Confessions of a Wing Woman

Good evening, blogger world! Tonight, I racked my brains for ideas on what to write my blog about for the coming week and came up with a few bright ones. This one seemed to be fresh in mind though, so hear we go..

Every guy claims to need a "wingman" when they go out, you know...a buddy that helps them to get laid. Or as Urban Dictionary (which, if you think about it, is far more reliable than Webster's anyways) puts it:
A Wingman is a guy you bring along with you on singles
outings (like to bars) that helps you out with the women.

Typically in these ways :
• The Wingman will always be there to “occupy” least
attractive girl of the pair so that you may engage in the “hotty”
• Often, when an attractive girl is out with an ugly friend, she often feels restricted to not leave that ugly friend alone, thus making the hot girl, un-touchable.
• When the wingman technique is used, both girls are
approached by the men, and the Wingman automatically
engages in conversation with the ugly girl.
• Now that the hot friend sees that the ugly girl has finally found a man, she is now free to start scouting.
• This is where you come in “unexpectidly” and “accidentaly”, and begin catching up on “old times” with the Wingman.
• The Wingman then offers the ugly girl to dance, (which
rarley happens to her) so she wont be able to resist.
First of all, great grammar and spelling, Urban Dictionary. Second of all, I have witnessed this because I am the ugly friend set out in bullet point #2, but that is okay because for every wingman, there must be a wing woman.

I am that Wing Woman.

The job of a wingwoman is simple:
-Don't you DARE dress as cute as your girl. (meaning I wear yoga pants and a tank top and pray for a miracle..this includes hairstyle)
-Keep quiet.
-Only speak when spoken to.
-Laugh and nod when the boys say funny things, but once again, don't speak.
-Let your friend do the talking.
-Also, if your friend wants to grind on you to look sexy/appeal to her boy's fantasies, you let her.
-You are in charge of getting drinks...but don't speak, still.
-You are also in charge of going to the bathroom with your girl when she needs your opinion question.
-Carry a condom and breathmints for your bestie.
-Make sure the guy she's talking to is not a serial killer or frat boy.
-Do not twat block your girl. Meaning, don't go out with her at all if you are the slightest bit tired and there is a chance of you wanting to go home early.
-For the love of God, don't sing.
-Or speak. Did I say that one?
-Be her beer pong partner if necessary and let her look better than you...this also goes with being the wingman's beer pong partner.
-Don't leave her alone for more than 5 minutes unless she asks you to.
-Try to keep her from spilling on herself and barfing.
-If she starts dancing too early on in the timeline of the party, distract her by laughing and talking about something pointless.
-Don't bring up her ex.
-Don't bring up any of your personal life.
-Make sure your friend's vagina, bra, boobs are not exposed at any point.
-Also, try to keep her from getting arrested.
-And warn her BEFORE you go out to not wear the uncomfortable heels if she is planning on getting trashed. Do not commit to shoes you cannot handle, bitch.
-Try to seem as uninteresting as possible to all members of the opposite sex..to the point where they think you might be a lesbian.
-Don't do your sexy dance...this isn't about you.
-Also, don't play with your hair.
-Compliment your friend as much as possible.
-If your friend screams the boy's name obnoxiously in a way that she would never do in real life if she was sober (i.e. "TYYY---lllllLLLeeerR!!!!!") do not hold it against her character.
-Make sure your friend has her cell phone, ID, etc. if she decides to leave you at the end of the night with her boy-toy, which she inevitably will.
-Give the guy your friend's number if she is too intoxicated to do so herself...also make sure he knows her correct first name.

See! Simple!
Now, I've become an expert on being a wing woman as of lately. Girls are no longer matchmakers, they are babysitters and keepers.
Also, if you are a guy and trying to get with my friend, you should at least try to be nice to me. I don't care if my hair is in a pony tail and I'm not wearing a short enough skirt, you still have to be nice to me. Without me, you are not getting laid tonight. So be careful.

Being an expert wingwoman I have also become very good at spotting fellow wingwomen/men. Especially wingmen. They sort of approach you and ask you the basic questions showing that they are the wingman and not exactly interested in you persay. Take the following conversation for example. This is a real life convo that I had while performing wing woman duty for my friend last weekend.

Boy: What's your name?
Me: Kaitie.
Boy: What?!
Me: KAITIE.
Boy: Cool. I'm (we'll call him...Cody) Cody. What year are you?
Me: Junior. (sips cup--clearly not buying this, annoyed) You?
Boy: Freshman. (ew..)
Me: Where are you living?
Boy: (says dorm name) What's your major?
Me: English. (he doesn't care anyways) You?
Boy: Business. (of course..) Are you a Pi Phi? (sorority)
Me: No.
--At this point the conversation is practically over--
Boy: Do you want to dance?
Me: (takes another sip...pretend to be drunk) I have to pee. Nice to meet you though!

This is how it should've went....
Boy: What's your name?
Me: What does it matter? We both know what you're doing. Don't worry, you don't have to waste your time with me. And I'm not letting your creepy friend take my friend away, so nice try.

But alas, we all have social norms we must follow.

Plus, I don't want to make my friend look bad. It's my job to make her look as good as possible, after all.

These are all very simple guidelines to live by. Sometimes being the sidekick is not a bad thing. Hey, you're not the one making a fool of yourself after all! And sometimes you even get free drinks out of the deal.

Well, hope you liked it and found it somewhat informative.

Until next time,

Kaitie xo