For those of you who care, I'm sorry for skipping last week's episode. I know it was a crazy episode with Clare drama/rich with material..but I'll try to make this week interesting despite it being a boring ass episode.
We kick off this week's episode in beautiful New Zealand aka The Land of Peter Jackson.
Bachelor Juan Pablo states New Zealand has "something that I liahke." Much like Clare has something that he "liahked" last week. If you know what I'm sayin'.
Enjoy...
https://vine.co/v/MagdbM15VPL
Bachelor Juan also lets us know that "this is getting harder" and we all feel very, very bad for him.
Anyways, Andi gets the first date card...and despite her being the only woman left who hasn't had a one-on-one date, Clare still thinks she deserves a one-on-one. I mean, maybe she does...considering the creators of this show made it look like they did it last week. So now she is very upset and paranoid that she is going home. She lets us know that she wishes she could "crawl back into her little turtle shell" (which is her favorite saying, I guess).
Before JP picks Andi up for their date, we get to watch Cassandra and Renee have a mommy heart to heart. I like Renee, and I'm sure Cassandra is a nice person...but when she talks, I hear nothing. I'm sorry. I know that's probably pretty mean...but that girl bores me to death.
Bachelor JP picks Andi up for their date wearing some really small scarf that I'm not sure men should wear. But whatever. They go on a boat through the rivers of New Zealand and are laughing and loving life, scarves blowing in the wind. Suddenly, things stop being fun and start getting real when the boat stops and Juan Pablo tells Andi to strip into her bathing suit because they are going swimming. Andi gives him a look like "really? must we?"...and yes, they must.
This is where the fiasco begins.
They start squeezing through these caverns in this cold ass water. I'm hoping they end up on some island with a violin quartet, lots of wine, and chocolate, and amazing things will happen. But they just end up at this shitty, little, cold waterfall that you could probably find in any town anywhere in the world.
BUT I will say Juan Pablo's back muscles really impressed me and it almost made me forget his idiocy, for a few moments anyway.
Nevermind it looking a scene from The Descent! Juan's back muscles make up for it!
After their cavern adventures, they finally are able to relax and drink champagne and eat food. BUT WAIT NOT REALLY because they're on top of geysers.
"Geysers! It's always been my dream to have dinner on top of geysers with a hot guy!" said every woman ever.
Andi and JP have an overall boring date and she ensures her safety and rose by sealing the deal with the phrase "I can't wait to start a family..."
DONE. ROSE.
So next we have the group date. Can you imagine being in a car with four other women that you know are going to be on the same date as you, with one guy? What...a nightmare.
The group date looks kind of fun actually. They have a picnic with cows and then go in these amazing hamster ball things that go downhill on a track and I would actually sign up for the Bachelor just for that.
Chelsie and Juan then spend a few moments together and Chelsie tells him that "This place is the most beautiful place I've ever been! New Zealand kind of reminds me of Ohio, but we have less hills!" Speaking from experience, I can vouch for the fact that Ohio looks nothing like New Zealand and Chelsie is wrong.
After the hamster balls they...WAIT FOR IT....
OMG OMG OMG THEY GO TO THE SHIRE!!!!! OMG OMG OMG shut the fuck up!
Now I would DEFINITELY go on this show just for that!
Obviously, Sharleen, being the huge nerd she is loves it...but Cassandra is all like "what's a hobbit?"
Juan uses his time in the house in the hill to make out with almost every single woman on the group date, and it's actually almost a little gross how he is able to exchange saliva with four different women.
Sharleen wastes no time attacking Juan with her mouth, but she does use the time to talk to Juan about how "inorganic" this all feels...and I'm pretty sure "organic" is her favorite fucking word ever. She opens up to him and tells him that she isn't so sure...and once again, he shuts her down and says "I understand. Just enjoy yourself. Live this with me," then proceeds to make out with her again.
Oh. Okay?
During the date, the clock turns midnight and all the girls celebrate Cassandra's 22nd birthday with her. They joke, laugh, and drink and Cassandra even uses the "my precious" joke in reference to the rose on the table, which I must admit is kind of funny.
It almost seems like these girls are having a fun hangout time, until Juan Pablo comes back into the picture AND RUINS IT ALL. He decides to give the rose to Sharleen in front of everyone and then takes Cassandra aside. We all think "oh, how nice, he's going to give her a bday surprise!"
Which, I guess, in some twisted way he does.
Because he sends her ass home.
"You're gorgeous. You're funny. You're so nice," he tells her. "But I need to send you home to your son."
Well, okay.
I definitely understand his promise to her that if he wasn't feeling it with her, he would send her home right away to be with her baby as opposed to making her wait it out any prolonged period of time. In a way, I guess I respect that..? But COME ON BRO, IT WAS HER FUCKING BIRTHDAY.
Like, worst birthday ever.
Getting sent home from the Shire must be the worst feeling ever.
Once the group date is over, it's inevitable that Crazy Clare gets the one-on-one date. Obviously, she is thrilled to the point of needing sedation.
Although I will never forget Clare showing up on Day 1 with a fake, pregnant belly attachment like a fucking lunatic and her constant lip licking, I can appreciate the fact that she demanded answers from Juan Pablo about why he acted the way he did towards her. She didn't just pretend it was okay. And she put him a little under the heat for what happened.
Of course, JP came up with more bull shit and sort of, kind of, maybe apologized? I don't know.
Immediately after, Clare is back to her bubbly, totally fake self.
She basically tells him "Normally, I wouldn't deal with this kind of shit from guys...but since this is a reality show competition, I don't care because I obviously need to win."
Juan Pablo and Clare continue to talk and have an overall boring date. She talks about God knows what and he tells her "I like listening to you," which is actually what every woman wants to hear though. No matter how completely unentertaining she is.
Later, they spend more time in a hotel room or something? Which in retrospect probably isn't the safest space for a sexual predator like Clare, but whatev.
She puts on his pants and dances around "Adorably", I guess. A song comes on and she jumps up and down saying "I love this song!" I'm not sure what the song is, but I am pretty sure it was Track 7 on The Bachelor Soundtrack...meaning I've literally never heard it.
Once again, the music on this program pisses me off to no end.
^never forget.
He gives her the rose and no one is shocked.
Before the rose ceremony, Chris Harrison sits Juan Pablo down and they talk about "his journey" and basically waste five minutes of our time.
Like, can we just GET TO IT!?
The cocktail party comes around and all the girls who don't have roses once again thirst for Juan Pablo's attention. Nikki the Nurse, of course, grabs him first and kisses the crap out of him to ensure her spot for the week. I think she thinks that if she just keeps making out with him that he will continue to keep her. At the end of their "conversation" (or I guess whatever that was that somewhat resembled a conversation) he tells her "Nikki, watch out" LIKE A COMPLETE SERIAL KILLER!!! And he has this grin on his face, too...it's just...awful. And I'm getting the chills thinking about it.
Terrifying.
Next, Chelsie and Renee both share moments with JP and I'm pretty sure Chelsie is always ridiculously caffeinated. Kat, who I forgot about, takes her time with JP and sorry I'm not sorry that I totally fast-fowarded their entire conversation :\
We all know she was next to go home.
Which she was....
It would actually really suck to be the only girl who was leaving. Up until now, the women have all left two at a time. I feel like leaving by yourself would be more upsetting than anything else.
All Kat can seem to say to him as she's leaving is "good luck" with awkward hugging.
"GOOD LUCK, BASTARD" is what she wanted to say. "THANKS FOR RUINING MY ENTIRE LIFE!!"
Kat says a few good lines:
"I thought it was a marathon, not a sprint. Apparently, I just didn't get up to speed."
Um yeah, because you didn't make out with him soon enough.
Good analogy though.
"I thought I was a good catch. But here I sit."
OKAY CALM DOWN.
You are still a catch. Just because you're not HIS catch doesn't mean you're not a catch. You do not need a television show to find love! This is not IT for you.
God, pull it TOGETHER.
So that's that.
Next week, I'm excited to see some cat fights between Crazy Clare and Nikki the Nurse (who, in my opinion, are probably his front runners at this point)
Until next time,
Kaitie
xo
PS: Also, some good one liners from my dad tonight that I wanted to share:
"What if he has VD or something?"
"He's making out with HER now, too?"
"That's not a man."
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