Who will Ben choose?
Spunky JoJo or the Lovely Lauren?
Do we really care?
Why are so invested?
Is this filling some sort of void in my life...?
Best not to ask questions.
Let us begin!
The Women Tell All
By far one of the best, most annoying parts of any Bachelor season: we get to catch all of the irrelevant LOSERS bitch about each other and Ben. Can't wait! Bring it Papi H. Apparently, Ben will make a startling revelation that will SHOCK EVERYONE. Wait, is Ben gay?!
FIGURES. ALL THE GOOD ONES ARE.
First, let's talk about the fucking audience. Are these women given some very large doses of drugs before they are allowed to enter the studio? Their facial expressions are honestly making me want to hurl everything I've eaten today on the floor.
Papi H and Ben go and crash some Bachelor viewing parties which cracks me up because literally everyone is white, and also really wild. I can't believe people throw these huge events every Monday night and dress their babies in onesies that say "Mrs. Higgins." And why have I not been invited...?
Next, we dive into the show. Chris introduces each irrelevant starting with Lace, Tiara (the chicken girl who literally I think got eliminated the first night? also she brought a live chicken with her...so that's passion), Amber, Jami, Izzy, Rachel, Jubilee, Jennifer, Shushanna, Lauren H, Olivia, Leah (who gets boos), Becca, Haley, Emily, Amanda (MAH GIRL), and Caila.
Papi H wastes no time showing the dramatic highlights of the season including but not limited to: Lace acting like a psycho moron, Jubilee pissing all the girls off with her 'tude, Leah straight up lying about Lauren B, and of course, the entire Olivia saga. We listen as the gals all sit in a room together listening to the other girls talk shit about them in the past: AWKWARD.
love it.
Jen gets the ball rolling, saying Olivia WAS her friend, but NOT after stealing Ben away from her after a two minute chat. Haley, or maybe Emily, starts stating her trouble with Olivia when the stupid chicken starts flying around the set. Come on, who invited the chicken girl anyway? And why bring a chicken? I'm just annoyed with it.
Papi is like "Wait, let's bring it back. I don't want to talk about Olivia yet, we have a whole segment on her later..including a couch interview...so let's move on to Leah" the lying bitch. The audience hates Leah, perhaps more than they hate Olivia...which is surprising. Leah denies lying, saying that Lauren made a comment about the girls being "losers" who didn't get to go on the date. Whatever. Even if that did happen when the girls confronted her about it, she said it wasn't her that said anything. Shady, shady, shady.
But that's not surprising.
Chris makes a segway to Jubilee and then the girls waste no time attacking her. Jami and Amber have a problem because Jubilee made a remark to the girls that she would be the first "real black girl' to make it to the end. Jami and Amber were offended by that because while not fully black, they are bi-racial. I mean that's awkward, but I don't think it's worth putting her on blast for? If it bothered them, why didn't they say anything to her in person on the show? I guess that bothers me because they're just doing it now for some air time... Maybe I just like Jubilee so this all seems forced to me.
Jubilee says she feels "very attacked" and starts getting emotional. She claims that if she said something like that she didn't mean it in the way they are taking it, blah, blah. Shushanna tells Jubilee that even if she thinks nothing is wrong, she should still apologize for offending Jami and Amber. Jubilee begins to apologize but Jami wants more airtime and is like "BUT I'M SO OFFENDED" and fucking Leah, of all people..., chimes in and snaps, "get over it!" to Jami and Amber. Everyone starts fanning themselves.
So much tea is being sipped, you guys.
Jubilee continues with her apology.
OH but that's not enough. Papi tells her to come down to the hot seat.
They talk about how Ben was really starting to fall for Jubilee, but then she was like "PEACE OUT CAN'T DO THIS SHIT ANYMORE" which is IMO understandable.
Papi asks her why she made the decision to leave. She says she couldn't handle the jealousy and felt like she couldn't get there with him, etc.
They pan to the audience and people are fucking crying.
Are these wannabe actresses who just moved to LA or something?
Papi H is like, "Jubilee, I want you to realize that a good guy like Ben saw you, got you, and felt he could love you, you are a good person, etc." and like ???
Cool?
So even a good guy like Ben could love such a complex and "difficult" woman. Wow, thanks for that Papi H. Thanks for validating her through the eyes of a man. That was really unnecessary. I get he was trying to be nice, but how patronizing. Like, "see if this awesome guy could love a complicated woman like you then ANYONE can!"
Sorry, I'll stop. I just get annoyed.
He asks her what is new in her life, and she says she just made sergeant in the Army. Nice!
Next, Chris brings our favorite girl named after a cloth material, Lace, down to the stage. We re-watch some of her highlights on the show: you know all the moments she talked about she WASN'T crazy over and over again?
I still think she was consistently drunk the entire time, you guys.
Which. Yeah. Me too.
Lace talks about how uncomfortable and not herself she was on the show. Chris asks her what has changed about her since the show. She says that she doesn't use the word "crazy" anymore, is a better listener, and more aware of her facial expressions (POR QUE?)
I guess I should be more aware of my facial expressions to..? Is this a step in the path of self-discovery that I wasn't aware of?
Chris then asks her about her tattoo. She says that she feels like she has to love herself before she can love anyone else. At this moment, some RANDOM MAN in the audience.
I can't go on...
ok.
Some random man in the audience fucking stands up, lifts his shirt, revealing a TATTOO OF LACE'S FACE on his rib. He calls her beautiful and everyone is both shocked and scared. Who is this guy!? Who is this PSYCHO that they let in off of the street?!
Lace needs an escort out of the building and a RESTRAINING order. How uncomfortable...GOD.
He asks to come up on stage to take a picture with Lace, Chris is like "Uh...okay, just don't touch her, okay?"
I'm so uncomfortable.
I mean, I'm sure this was all fake and staged...and that can't be a REAL tattoo right?
After that MESS, Chris asks Lace to come on Bachelor in Paradise which will be GREAT for her self-esteem problems. And she says yes.
Commercial break.
I fill my glass of wine.
Chris brings Olivia up next to the hot seat. We all are ready to rumble. Chris runs the highlight reel. We see many views of Olivia's large mouth.
She then talks about how Ben was the man of her dreams and how much she really felt like she was loving him, how smitten she was, blahblahblahblah
Haley/Emily are NOT having it, making judgey faces from the group back in the chairs, and even the audience is judgey-mcJudgesters.
Amanda confronts her about talking smack about her kids and says "you know being a mom is kind of MY JAM" which is hilarious because Olivia said being smart was "her jam"
YES DRAG HER, AMANDA.
Things start getting heated. Leah comes to Olivia's defense and literally everyone is like "shut the fuck up, Leah, no one asked you, LIAR."
And Chris is like "LADIES, let's continue this shit talking...AFTER the commercial break" *wink*
Olivia continues to defend herself and her actions. Jen says, "hey, guess what...you're a bitch because you called us all dumb by saying you were the only girl in the house who likes to 'talk smart things'...we like to read books too.." or something like that. Olivia is like "ugh, ok, fine you're not ALL dumb..sorry"
Haley/Emily can't let it go, proceeding with their attack.
Don't mess with twins, Olivia, just don't...however dumb they may seem. Those little ones are vicious.
Olivia says she is very introverted even though she is a (self-proclaimed) public figure. She says this is because she was severely bullied as a child. I wonder why, you ass hole. Will admit, feel bad that Olivia was bullied about her feet, breath, etc. I should be nicer on this blog, too. Bullying is not cool. But sorry, she's a ridiculous person, and maybe her and Lace should both be more aware of their facial expressions.
NO I'M JUST KIDDING.
SORT OF.
Guess what: don't be an ass hole and people won't make fun of you! learn it now, folks.
Pretty girls can't have it all. They need to be put on blast too.
Olivia apologizes to everyone and now all these bitches are cool I guess.
Hey, Leah, you're still a liar though so shut up.
Papi brings Caila down to the hot seat where she must re-live all her moments on the show, including her "terrible" heartbreak from last week
Caila does her typical dramatic speech that was practiced in front of her mirror countless times, I'm sure. I do feel bad, she's definitely not as smiley as she was on the show. Plus her makeup is ON POINT. A much more natural look than some of the others. I like bright pink lipstick as much as the next gal, but I appreciate a nice au natural look.
Caila says she is very hurt that he said he loved two women, but says she hopes a guy will love her the way he loves (both) JoJo and Lauren (supposedly).
Finally, Papi brings Ben out to the hot seat. The women clap and smile fakely, trying to calm the rage inside of them. Ben is like "ah, I'm so nervous...hey, is that a chicken?" no joke.
Chris asks Ben if he realizes what a mess he's in by telling two women he loves them. Ben is like "eh, thanks...yeah..not really prepared for that.." Papi tells Ben it's time to talk to Caila. Ben is very sweet, blah blah. Caila is questioning some things like her apparent confusion of her feelings for him at that one date. Ben says that has nothing to do with it: he just didn't "get there" with Caila.
Leah (are you fucking kidding me..) decides to take a moment to talk to Ben. Arguably, one of the worst relationships Ben had on the show...she asks why he told Lauren about their conversation. Ben is like "well, I wanted to give Lauren a chance to defend herself, and I needed to know the truth and how you handled the situation with the girls was on you."
OOOOH BURN, YES BEN YES.
I love Good Guy Ben but this bitch needs to be put in line.
Leah is like, "just so you know, Lauren and I are good now, everyone."
And everyone is just like ...eh yeah...right, right. I'm sure she's lying about this too...
Ben says something very important after a brief convo with Jubilee. He states that none of this is on them, he's not blaming them for there not being a connection, they're all amazing women. Which is basically a really nice way of saying "it's not you, it's me."
It just didn't work out, ya know.
Appreciate you, Ben. and i love you please marry me instead.
Ben finally says, "I am very in love, and I would marry that woman tomorrow if I could."
And everyone is like OOOHHH SHIT, BUT WHO!?
The suspense!
Papi is like, "Hey Ben...big question. Which one of those girls is Haley and which one is Emily because I do not know?"
Ben looks more nervous than he has the entire show.
But he gets it right.
Chris shows some bloopers and we all laugh. Chris tells Ben he has been a great man, and a great Bachelor and we all cry because this is the true love story: Chris and Ben.
AND THIS CONCLUDES THE WOMEN TELL ALL!
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
The Final Rose/The Proposal?
oh. my. god.
It's here BETCHES!
What we've worked so hard for. We've come so far. Thanks for riding with me, y'all.
What a crazy episode this looks to be! Not like we've been seeing highlights for this episode for literally a month, but whatever. We are all up in this live studio right now, and you all know how much I love a live Bachelor studio audience.
You're right. Not at all.
Papi H tells us that Ben may be getting married on After the Final Rose which means crap I'll be up till midnight tonight. Ben's pastor is there - as well as all the families. How real... this has all become....
so....he's in love with ONE woman enough to marry them tonight...? When all we've seen is how torn he has been between two women for weeks....? Alright, ABC, whatever you say.
Lauren walks around the patio of her Jamaican hotel talking about how, like, oh my god, how like in love with him she is. And how, like amazing she feels.
JoJo borrows Lauren's exact same cut off shorts and is like "I feel so secure and confident in this" which I've got news for you, JoJo, you probably shouldn't because he literally loves two people.
Supposedly.
Oh man. I mean I think it's kind of cool that he's being honest. Everyone else is allowed to say "I love you" except him? that seems wrong. Just didn't ever think he would tell two people that.
He's so fucked. LOL
Ben's parents join him in Jamaica to meet the final two girls. Ben tells his parents that he is in love with two women. His mom is like "wtf Ben?!" she's like "this is really disturbing to me..." and yeah, we Americans are also disturbed, Ben's mom.
Lauren comes to meet the parents first and does her typically bubbly Lauren thing. Ben's dad pulls Lauren aside first and tells her that he sees a twinkle in his son's eye. She talks about how happy she is and how in love with him she is. Next, Lauren spends some time with Ben's mom. She tells her that she told Ben she loved him and Ben said it back, and she was so surprised. His mom says "it's not always about the rosey (no pun intended) and the wonderful but the hard times, too." Lauren is like "oh yeah, I am like soooo ready for the hard times!"
Are you though?
So far, your relationship has been pretttttty cushy, Lauren.
Like really non-real in a reality show type of way, my friend.
"You're still in love with two women," his parents remind him after a nice day with Lauren.
"Yeah, there's still some things we need to figure out..." Ben replies.
yeaaaaaaAAAh no shit.
JoJo comes next to meet the parents. She tells Ben she is sooo nervous to meet them. The parents have moved on to round two of mimosas for the day (more realistically round six, but JoJo is no stranger to heavy drinking habits).
She does pretty well though, impressing them right off the bat. She tells them she knows how hard Ben can be on himself and a part of me feels like maybe JoJo may know Ben slightly better than Lauren does.
JoJo tells Ben's dad that she truly loves Ben, etc. Then she tells his mom that she loves Ben and told him the other day, and he said it back.
WAIT. Are these the same exact convos Lauren had with the parents?
The answer is yes. Yes, they are.
JoJo tells his mom, though, that they've had some hard stuff come up already and she knows that he will be there for him. Feeling "safe" seems to be a big deal to Ben's parents, which both Ben and JoJo said they felt with one another.
Something tells me the parents like JoJo slightly more. I do think JoJo is a bit more genuine-seeming. Don't get me wrong: love Lauren, but she can be kind of fake happy-ish, whereas JoJo isn't afraid to cry and talk about stuff.
So who knows?
Maybe I was wrong.
Maybe he'll pick JoJo.
I just feel like his connection with Lauren has been so strong since the VERY beginning when she stepped out of the limo.
Ben was hoping for some clarity from him parents, but they tell him that both the girls are wonderful and both would be great partners for Ben.
Great. Thanks for the help, MOM AND DAD.
Ben and Lauren share another, final date before the big decision. Why is Lauren ALWAYS first? They take a nice sailboat ride and she refuses to put her hair up which is bothering me. Lauren says that she can tell something is up with Ben and he's acting odd. She asks him if he has any doubts about her, and he says no...but that it's been so perfect that it SOOOOORRRRT of doesn't feel real.
Well, this isn't real life, so maybe that's why? IDK
Ben's concerns are that Lauren and Ben's relationship hasn't really been tested. Which he is absolutely right: it hasn't been. Too good to be true. But is that enough of a reason to kick her to the curb when he literally cries when he thinks about her? I'm not sure.
As if the weather understands the conflict, it begins to rain.
Lauren and Ben go into the night together, Ben tells Lauren that he left confused today and she tells him that she is feeling very anxious. You can tell Ben kind of wants to tell Lauren his feelings for JoJo...and I'm not really sure why because that would be very dramatic.
"I'm just like, ready to like, spend my life with you," she says. Verbatim.
Only two 'likes' #Impressed
Ben tells Lauren that no matter what happens she has made him a better person, she's made this all worth it, and has stood by his side, etc. you know the usual BS. And I think he is being sincere, really, I do, I just have sort of started blocking all of this stuff out for some reason. This crap is like a separate language.
Lauren feels afraid that Ben loves JoJo more now after this emotional talk. She says that she feels like tonight is the last night that she'll hear Ben tell her he loves her.
And for the first time since Leah lied about her, we see Lauren really emotionally raw and crying, no makeup.
:(
I'm so confused, too, Lauren! I mean, I was thinking it was her the whole season and now I JUST DON'T KNOW NOW I HAVE MY DOUBTS.
JoJo and Ben have their date next. They ride around Jamaica in a Jeep as people try to sell them weed. JoJo is very excited. They go hang out in a waterfall which they already did two weeks ago, but whatever. After they frolick. JoJo talks to Ben about what comes next: she lives in Dallas..he lives in Denver. She basically tells him she is willing to move to Denver, which is nice but also kind of unfair to her, but fine.
JoJo asks Ben how he is feeling and he says he's confused. JoJo starts freaking out, understandably so.
I mean, did you guys ever think that this girl who walked in with a unicorn mask on out of the limo the first night and told a cheesy joke would make it this far??
I mean, she's super pretty, and seems like a good gal, always getting along with the other girls in the house. I think that's a good sign for Ben. I wouldn't mind if he chose JoJo!
AGAIN, I'M SO TORN.
Ben and JoJo move into their night together - JoJo really wants to get some answers.
JoJo asks Ben to be honest with her about his concerns towards her. He says he doesn't have any concerns with JoJo and wishes there was one with either of the girls to make it easier on him.
Ugh, I don't want to see Jojo cry anymore :( poor dear.
He tells JoJo that she's become a best friend to him, which I think is really cute, and I think that's a good base of a relationship.
Off camera they have a very deep convo in the bathroom. She tells him she needs something from him. She asks him if he is love with Lauren. he says yes. She asks if he's said that to Lauren and he says yes.
JoJo starts crying and says she is so sick of competing with other people for love, and she feels foolish.
I feel genuinely bad for her. That would totally suck.
If he doesn't pick her I might actually cry now...not because I don't liker Lauren but because poor JoJo will seriously be devastated.
Ugh, JoJo. You shouldn't have to compete for anyone. I HATE THIS SHOW AND WHAT IT DOES TO PEOPLE.
bah
Neil Lane pops over for his endorsement deal and they pick out a ring. Ben still has no idea who he is going to pick. Neil is like "shit man, you don't know!?"
Ben says that in the moment he picks out the ring (quite an ugly, large ring IMO), he has made his decision. Amazing how expensive jewelry can light a fire under a man's ass. AMIRIGHT?
Lauren and JoJo get ready for the day: the Day of the Final Rose : the final day : the day of proposal : the day of our future : The First Day of the Rest of Our Lives
Also, are you trying to tell me they actually do their own hair and makeup on this last day? I highly doubt that.
Both of the dresses are totally bomb by the way. LOVE THEM.
I don't know guys, what do we think, what do we think?!
Who is it going to be?!
The girl he calls his best friend, or the woman he feels is too good for him?
I'm still going with Lauren despite my newfound love for JoJo.
Can he propose to both? I'm telling you: Polygamy is a thing still.
JoJo arrives by her private chopper first. Papi H walks her out, and she walks the remainder of the way on her own...
She approaches Ben and takes his hand. He pulls her into a hug. JoJo gives him a little speech about her love for him, her voice shaky, clearly nervous to death.
Ben tells her that he loves JoJo, but he loves someone else more.
Which means he is picking Lauren.
Which means I was right.
But holy hell, I really feel for JoJo. She's so blindsided and understandably so. Oh, Ben...why?! Why did you have to tell her you loved her? How could you have not known! I bet if he had a few more weeks with both girls off camera he might have chosen JoJo, I really think that.
He says he can't afford to lose Lauren. That he would be very happy with JoJo, but he loves Lauren with his entire heart.
Before Lauren arrives, Ben decides to do a really cute thing and calls Lauren's dad on his cell to ask for permission to marry his daughter. Mr. B says "Yes, of course!" and Ben gets emotional.
I'm mad at him but I'm so happy for him, you know?
Ugh, these emotions.
Ben is very excited to see Lauren and ask her to marry him now that JoJo is out of the way. doesn't take very long for those tears to dry.
Lauren arrives in her chopper, rocking her classic Lauren B hairstyle beach waves with a little clip. Papi H walks her halfway to Ben and lets her make the last leg of this journey across the bridge...alone...
Ben greets Lauren and gives her a big hug. The mood is definitely lighter than with JoJo, so like, duh he's going to ask her to marry him.
He tells Lauren he wants to spend the rest of his life with her, gets on one knee, and proposes. She says yes and they look so happy and cute that I feel tears spring to my eyes.
It's not easy to make fun of this show with all the cuteness that actually is happening now!
I think I should be invited to the wedding since I knew Lauren would win from day 1. ok?
After giving her the ginormous and heinous ring, he hands her the final rose.
Awwwwwww.
Ben swings her in his arms and carries her off to the...you guessed it...
no not the sunset
the Helicopter. Duh. What else??
There we have it! The love journey is complete!
Ben and Lauren 4eva.
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After the Final Rose
I said I wasn't going to write about AtFR but why the hell not? This blog is already like 8 pages long.
Want to see if Ben and Lauren tie the know on stage with Ben's pastor walking around flipping through the bible all night.
Also, want to find out who the next Bachelorette is.
It better not be Caila. I'm just not in the mood, y'all.
Papi H brings Bachelor Ben out and they have a nice talk about the final night and how Ben came to decide upon Lauren. Ben says that Lauren is the one who came to mind when Chris asked him who he can't picture life without.
Precious moments.
Papi H brings JoJo out to sit and chat for a bit. JoJo and Ben hug awkwardly. Ben reiterates that he doesn't regret anything with her, and he was always honest with her about his feelings.
They sort of talk things out. JoJo handles herself very well and doesn't get emotional or start falling apart.
Chris tells us he has "an announcement that will throw the world into a frenzy" is Chris Harrison about to announce the impending nuclear war?
Like, calm down Papi H...
JoJo tells us that she is moving forward and watching the show has been therapeutic to her in a way. She's spending time with family and friends. You do you, girl.
She also says she is very happy for Lauren and Ben. Sure. Sure.
At this moment, Papi H announces the new Bachelorette will be........
he makes a show of pointing backstage........
JOJO!
YAYAYAY!
I'm so happy!
Expected, but still exciting.
Glad it's not Caila.
no offense.
"Enough about that!" Chris Harrison literally says. -__-
He brings Lauren out. For the first time in public we get to see the happy couple.
Lauren talks about everything in her typical bubbly way. After the proposal they talked everything out. Ben told Lauren everything that happened on the show before it aired then. They both say that they are in love with one another - and fall more in love with one another everyday.
Awe. How nice.
How barfable.
Lauren tells us that she will be moving to Denver. "YEAH!" Lauren ends every sentence with this excited exclamation. They say they can't wait to be in public together and Lauren says she wants a short engagement.
Next, they do a Jimmy Kimmel bit which is laughable but dumb.
Chris hints to the on-stage wedding that may or may not happen: aka the ratings plot to keep us watching.
COME ON. let's end this thing.
Chris is like "alright, are we doing this? can we marry you guys here on this stage?"
Ben is like "uh no... we want all of our friends and family here"
Chris is like, "BUT THE RATINGS?!"
So Ben brings Lauren's family out and re-proposes.
Alright. Fine. Cute.
Is it just me or is Lauren's voice more annoying now than it has ever been?
What is this voice? I've never heard this before.
Chris has to keep the show running because there's still five minutes left and there is no wedding. So he brings both families on stage and interviews them awkwardly while Jimmy Kimmel runs back to his studio getting ready for his show.
OK, let's really wrap this up.
Ben gives another meaningful speech.
alright betches. This has been really fun.
Thanks for sticking with this blog.
I'll be posting a few blogs here and there, but definitely be expecting a new rendition of Betchy Bachelorette Monday with JoJo this May :)
Congrats Ben and Lauren - I TOLD YOU SO from this moment.
Until next time,
Kaitie
xo
