I want to start off by warning you that the first paragraph or so is going to be filled with a rant, then I'm going to talk about happy things like Christmas, okay? If you want to skip over the rant, just don't read the red...the fun stuff will be in green. Okay?
This week has been 50 Shades of Bull Shit.
And it is Monday.
Who is with me?
I don't want to make such a grand claim that I'm the voice of my generation, but I must defend my people. We have had ENOUGH. Speaking for those I love, family, friends, classmates, neighbors, dogs, elephants...I want to say, WE HAVE HAD ENOUGH CAN I GET AN AMEN?!
This week is complete and utter bull shit and I will tell you why. Personally, as a college student quickly approaching her final's week (as if that wasn't stressful enough) I have to deal with this week which doesn't even have a defintion, it's so bad. Walking onto campus today, I could feel the gloom of impending doom. No one I know is happy. I saw various people break down in tears today...TEARS. In class. In the hall way. In the bathroom. I myself cried twice from pure exhaustion and frustration.
Group projects (excuse my french..) can suck my big, non-existent dick. You know what I get for working my ass off all semester for mediocre 10/10 grades? I get a 200 point GROUP project that includes popsicle sticks. I am 21 years old. Everything I've worked for, every book I've read, every ridiculously pointless article I've read and analyzed...that stuff, eh, junk change. What really matters? Whether or not I can manage doing a group project in which my fate is COMPLETELY IN THEIR HANDS.
I understand the point of group projects, I get it. We need to learn to work as a team. Trust me, it's taught me so much...really, it has.
It has taught me THAT I HATE PEOPLE AND MY LIFE. THANKS.
Stubborn professors can also suck my beep. They, out of anyone, should understand frustrations students have. They're the ones who do this to us. Do they have a clue? Maybe. Maybe they did 25 years ago, but now they're old, mean, and send short, rude e-mails that make me feel like I am the size of a pin needle. Do you ever notice how they end their e-mails with: "come see me in office hours if you want to talk more". WHAT, so I can get rejected and belittled in person as opposed to e-mail?
I'll pass.
Final assessments are a sick joke.
"I'm going to give you multiple choice tests all semester, but at the end I want a 10 page essay describing to me what you've learned...it'll be worth half your points for your grade."
Bitch, bye.
Final papers. I'm honestly pissing myself off, I don't even want to talk about this. But you all get it.
Exams...having exams before finals week is basically like shooting someone in the leg, letting them lose half their blood, then shooting them in the face. Or it's like being let out of a prison cell only after months of oppression to be pushed to your death in front of a bus by Cady Heron.
The worst are when they're like "okay, here's your last exam in the class over chapters 17-20...oh but wait, then you have a cumulative final!" WERE YOU HUGGED AS A CHILD?
When people say, "oh the semester is really winding down.." really? I feel like I'm about to jump off a cliff and you're catching up on your Netflix Queue? What classes are YOU taking?
I'm done with my rant.
I just wanted to do that because I am in major warrior mood right now and I also drank a lot of soda.
Just know this fellow collegians, you're not alone. I believe in you, I really do. You've made it this far for a reason...we just have to get through this last week.
If I see you crying on a bench alone in the Library, I will understand. Just know, I'm rooting for ya.
NOW
On to fun things.
Bitches love Christmas. Christmas is just so jolly and fun! Actually, the whole Holiday season is super fun. Hanukkah is awesome. Kwanza. It's just all so exciting, and a perfect way to end the year. Even though you're dirt poor, cold, and in some cases have to deal with crazy family...it's Christmas, and you love it because that's what the world is telling you.
I don't want to talk about all the average fun things about Christmas traditions like Egg Nog and Singing Carols. I'm going to talk about the weird, random stuff that makes me happy about this season. Ready?
Okay!
That one creepy ornament.
Every year while decorating the tree, there's always that ornament. You know the one I'm talking about. The one that every year you look at and say, "why do we keep this? It's so ugly and disgusting." Then your mom tells you that some random customer from 25 yeas ago got it for her and she's had it ever since.
I love this ornament!
It's like the awkward outcast that no one understands, but it's still part of the grand scheme of things.
Without this ornament, the tree would simply NOT BE.
Baby fetus with combat gear ornament. (bow not included)
These Things
I honestly don't know what could be more festive than these. I particularly love the trees with the snow on them and how they are so fun to brush your hair with. Plus, they light up, sometimes they make noise, sometimes they change color, sometimes they are magnetic and the little figures ice skate on them. Sometimes you get a random, disproportionately large character that is super awkward but you put him in the middle anyways. You'd spend an hour setting it up, moving it around every which way, then you're little sibling would fuck it all up and you'd cry.
Advent Calendars
There is something all too satisfying about opening a little door and not knowing what is behind it. Sometimes, there are even treats. I feel for non-Christians because they don't even know what this is. I tell you, even if you don't believe in God, you should get one because they are super fun.
Leaving Carrots for the reindeer
A lot of people leave cookies for Santa, but how many leave carrots for the reindeer. How amazing is that? It's interesting that you'd only put out about 4 carrots and all 9 reindeer were to be fed. Who gets to decide who gets the carrots? Maybe they take turns? Santa is a fat ass and just eats all the cookies, but those reindeer, gosh, they're the ones flying about in the air! They need protein, man. This year I'll leave them powder.
Hallmark Romantic Holiday Movies
I have gone 21 years of life and still ask the question: how can you be a human being an not like Hallmark Rom-Coms?
They're light hearted, fun, full of predictable wonder, and most importantly always contain two very attractive individuals who are able to find one another against all odds.
I'm not asking to watch a movie that challenges my intellectual capablities. I've seen Fight Club. I've seen Pulp Fiction. But I will never feel as good and satisfied figuring out what Inception means in comparison to the feeling my heart gets at the end of a Hallmark movie when she says, "I do."
Festive dog scarves
Dressing up your dog in festive gear on Halloween and Christmas is almost essential if you want to be a real person. Putting reindeer ears on my dog automatically makes her cuter. She also loves her festive holiday scarf. My love for her knows no bounds when she puts her scarf on. That's how I know it's really Christmas.
Lame ass Kay Jeweler Commercials
Some of my favorite things in life to make fun of are Kay Jeweler commercials, and I do so on a daily basis. But nothing brings me more joy than when the holiday season comes around and the VERY and particularly stupid/hilarious Kay commercials arive.
This one is my favorite, you're so welcome: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YSsFX0RaPMc
Those Classic and Awesome Hershey's and Campbell Soup commercials
Who didn't have a VCR recorded tape of the Grinch Who Stole Christmas on a Sunday night special on abc from when they were 4? These were the commercials always on.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT.
Velvet outfit sets.
Ladies, can I get a what-what?!?!
Clark Griswold
We can all see a little bit of Clark in our fathers. Especially when Mom decides to host Christmas this year.
"Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse."
"Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn... the clean, cool chill of the holiday air... an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer... "
"Hey Griswold, where do you think you're gonna put a tree that big?"
"Bend over and I'll show you."
"You've got a lot of nerve talking like that, Griswold."
"I wasn't talking to you."
Todd and Margo <3
Ralphie and Randy
Why can't I, too, have pink bunny pajamas?
I learned a lot from that movie, like you can't put your arms down till you get to school, that I better be sure to drink my Ovaltine (son of a bitch), sticking your tongue to a frozen flag pole is no bueno, it's not just a lamp, it's a major award, and you most likely will shoot your eye out with a Red Rider BB Gun.
Also, little kids swearing will always be hilarious.
NADDAFINGA!!
Having batteries.
There is nothing more disheartening (besides finals week) than opening a brand new toy and not having any freaking batteries to go with them.
Santa, you're a cruel man for this reason.
When they are present, you cherish them. I LOVE YOU, BATTERIES.
Men Christmas Eve shopping.
Go to the mall on the day of Christmas Eve. Now, go to the jewelry story (Kay Jeweler's..).
Good luck not seeing any females in that place at all.
It never ceases to amaze me that men wait till the absolute last minute for everything.
Women, we've got it right...Black Friday shopping, Small Business Saturday, Cyber Monday...Christmas shopping is a sport.
For men, it's a forgotten nightmare that can somehow only be realized 12 hours before the actual event.
Everyone says they're going to watch A Christmas Carol, when really, they watch Elf.
Let's just be honest.
Wreaths.
Wreaths get zero respect. They deserve it. Christmas Trees are fun, but they're bulky and can sometimes be tacky and ridiculous. Wreaths are always classy bitches. I see you, wreath.
The calm after.
There is normally a feeling of sadness the night you get home from all the Christmas festivities, however, it is also a time of peace and calm. The presents may still be lying all about the living room, wrapping paper everywhere, Dad's still hungover, you've got your ugly pajamas on and have already eaten half your stocking candy, but it's calm, it's wonderful...and it's completely underrated.
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Now, I hope you all enjoyed the blog. It was a long one, I know. If you have other random little loves and quirks of Christmas, let me know! I'll write about it some other time. I know I left out tons.
I hope that my blog, however ridiculous and crazy it is, cheers you up during this chaotic time in your life/week/month/year/whatever. And know that I give a shit about you, otherwise I wouldn't be writing this to try and please/entertain you.
Have a good one.
Until next time,
Kaitie
xo
**ALSO, forgive any spelling mistakes. I didn't edit this before I posted. And if you can't forgive me then go screw yourself and get a life.
Happy Holidays.
