Betchy Bachelor Monday: Episode 7

"Why can't I stop kissing you?"
"I don't know. You tell me."





Hey everyone! This week we're in Miami baby and Bachelor Juan Pablo tells us that "this is getting real." We kick off the episode with the ladies arriving at the very expensive hotel that Clare makes sure they all know they did NOT pay for, and waiting for them are packages of free string bikinis. Oh, goodie!

Sharleen sets the mood for the entire episode by being consistent in talking about her own "feelings."
Which is odd because I didn't know the women were allowed to have feelings for themselves. I thought this was all about Juan.



Sharleen immediately gets the first one-on-one date card via hand delivery by Bachelor Juan Pablo himself. He says they are leaving now so Sharleen must go rush to get ready as he cuddles with the other women. And although Sharleen is rushing, she somehow makes time to stand on the balcony and let the Miami breeze flow through her as she contemplates her place in the world...or at least in Juan Pablo's heart. Which matters way more anyways.

Crazy Clare, meanwhile, is very salty that she didn't get the one-on-one date card despite her getting one last week.



As soon as they leave the girls waste no time in beginning to shit talk Sharleen and say how they are not sure that she is ready to be in a serious relationship, blah blah. They also mention that she usually is really into "intelligent and intellectual" men...so even they are well aware that Juan Pablo is neither of these things.

It becomes clear as they are on their date that Bachelor JP is really, really into Sharleen (or at least kissing Sharleen, not actually hearing her speak) and Sharleen just has subpar feelings towards him/is sexually attracted to him. AKA she wants to makeout with him and all that, but when it comes to actually marrying the guy she has to second guess herself. Which I completely understand.



I would totally makeout with Juan Pablo, just to keep him from speaking. I would also make him take his shirt off.

An actual dialogue from last night's episode...
Sharleen: Do I seem uptight?
Juan Pablo: Today? Not so tight. Not like other days.
S: You're trouble
JP: Why am I trouble?
S: You know why you're trouble.
JP: Trouble?
S: Trouble.
JP: Trouble.
S: I wish I was dumber. Then this would be so much easier.
JP: You're good at not trying to impress me, but you impress me.
....

The stupidity writes itself. I feel like I am watching a horror movie every time they speak to one another.

Ultimately, they just make out a lot and call it chemistry. I feel like anyone could really makeout with Juan Pablo. He's a walking tongue.
Sharleen is clearly too smart for this show, and it becomes apparent this week when she actually starts considering her own feelings and stake in all of it. Realistically, it wouldn't work between them. She's a traveling, wordly, opera singer. He has a steady job and a daughter in Miami, and even though he sees something that he "liahkes" in her sexually, it doesn't mean they're going to actually work out.

Although, it would be nice if Sharleen even acted like she wanted to be there at all. Or pretended she was having some fun in Miami. I mean, it's a free trip to the beach, if nothing else.



Nikki the Nurse gets the next one-on-one date card and finds out there might be dancing involved again, which scares her. As she is sharing her fears of dancing, the girls look at her with murder in their eyes, because TBH they don't really want to hear her shit right now.



Nikki finds out soon that Juan Pablo is planning to take her to his daughter's dance recital. Which actually turns out to be a dating nightmare. Because not only is she meeting his daughter, but also his parents...and wait for it...his ex-wife.
All within the confined space of a child's dance studio.
Clearly, JP has no awareness at all.
Surprisingly, Nikki does fairly well when she meets the fam and ex. But it was just way, way too awkward still.
Can you imagine if he brought Sharleen to meet his family and Camila?
How hilarious would that have been?
After all that madness, Juan Pablo takes Nikki the Nurse to the Marlins stadium, which apparently also his place of employment. They have a picnic and an otherwise unextraordinary conversation.





However, I feel that Nikki the Nurse may go far..maybe even final two..because she has the meeting his family thing on her side.



That night after Nikki and JP's date, Sharleen makes her dramatic stage exeunt. She tells the other women she is leaving and they try to act sad. She then goes to JP and tells him. There is a lot of strange whispering and then a really long, really deathly looking embrace between the two of them in which he is clutching her neck as they sit on the couch.



"Look at me," he says to her...as he did to Clare a few weeks ago.
She tells him, "I just don't like making choices."

Well, you have to. So...



After she (FINALLY) leaves, the producers say "Okay, Juan Pablo go sit on the balcony and cry."
Which he does. And TBH it feels kind of good to see him cry for once.

Next, we go on the group date.
Just some highlights:

Juan Pablo picks them up in some sort of airplane, naturally.
Clare, of course, is the first to hug him.



Chelsie pulls JP aside and decides to read him all of her letters from home to which Bachelor JP is like "oh my! okayyy" (literally, he said that...but she still didn't take a hint)
Andi is nervous and upset, which is typical for her.
Clare and her teeth/mouth share emotional moments with Juan Pablo.


He ends up giving the rose to Andi, and they are able to then continue their date while the other girls must go back alone on the plane.
While on said plane, Clare shows her true feelings by saying "Let's fucking wrap this shit up and go home" (although they do bleep her out)...but she IS still smiling.

Like a serial killer.

She also says, "It's worse because I wanted it more."
OKAY, CRAZY CLARE.



JP takes Andi to dance and no one is really that surprised. We are all a bit surprised at how ridiculously terrible she is at dancing though. I can't make fun of her too much because no one has seen me emulating Beyonce in my living room before.



Meanwhile back at the hotel...
the battle of the season comes to its peak
"Nikki the Nurse vs. Crazy Clare"
(watch only if you are in the mood to see two basic white girls fight over a guy)

No actually, they don't really fight over Juan Pablo.
They fight because while talking about their group date, Clare makes a comment about how "Andi probably needs the date for reassurance" which actually is true, but also a pretty bitchy thing to say.
And also...SPEAKING OF PEOPLE WHO CONSTANTLY NEED REASSURANCE...cough cough Clare...




Apparently Nikki and Andi are friends and Nikki abruptly leaves the room after Clare says that. Clare decides to confront her about how "rude" she is. They just argue back and forth for a few minutes about I'm not really sure what and then Clare goes, "You're a piece of work, Nikki" to which Nikki replies, "Yeah, and you're fucking crazy."



Finally. Someone says it.

But anyways, next we have the completely silent and overly heated Rose Ceremony.
Nikki reminds me a bit of Regina George as she sits there, ignoring that Clare is even in her presence. But at least she is blunt about what she wants. She says "I want to get this night over with so I can take my boyfriend home to meet my family."
So there ya go.
Nikki then refers to Clare as "Crazy Clare" which makes me pretty happy since I actually coined that name for Clare. Sort of.
At one point, somehow, Clare and Nikki are left alone together during this cocktail party. I don't know where the other girls are...but it seems like the longest five minutes of my life. Finally, the other women come back one by one...but it is till uncomfortably silent.

It kind of reminds me of seeing your ex's new girlfriend in the waiting room at your gyno, and the other women must unknowingly be awkward with you.

So this scene is very relatable. And really what we all want to see.

Chris Harrison, as usual, breaks the tension by coming in and using a fake accent (wtf?) while saying "Juan Pablo...it's time."



I hate how Juan Pablo acts like he doesn't know who he's going to send home, like he has "a lot of thinking to do". PLEASE. That guy knows what he's doing. And he's definitely sending either Chelsie or Renee home.

The ceremony starts and the MUSIC GETS SO INTENSE. As usual.
He picks Nikki first, then Clare, and finally Renee...sending Chelsie back home to Ohio.
It's an emotional goodbye between the two of them, because I guess they had a really deep connection?



"They always say 'you're a great girl...you'll meet a great guy' but hearing it gets old," Chelsie says.
I know honey, but you're only 24. I've said it before and I'll say it again...this is not it for you.
And you have to...in some sense...be prepared to go home/get broken up with/not receive a rose. That's apart of signing up for the show. Am I right? Or not?

Anyways.
Juan Pablo cries again, and he seems to be choking up a lot in this episode.
They show previews for next weeks 2 episode special (oh great) featuring the hometown dates...which look completely terrifying.
"This will shock America."
WHAT?! I CANNOT WAIT.

At the end of every episode and also during commercial breaks they always have a little thing asking us "Would you like to date our next Bachelor or Bachelorette?"
To which I say, if he is anything like this one...then no thanks.



Until next time,

Kaitie
xo

Betchy Bachelor Monday: Episode 6

Hey all!

For those of you who care, I'm sorry for skipping last week's episode. I know it was a crazy episode with Clare drama/rich with material..but I'll try to make this week interesting despite it being a boring ass episode.



We kick off this week's episode in beautiful New Zealand aka The Land of Peter Jackson.
Bachelor Juan Pablo states New Zealand has "something that I liahke." Much like Clare has something that he "liahked" last week. If you know what I'm sayin'.

Enjoy...
https://vine.co/v/MagdbM15VPL


Bachelor Juan also lets us know that "this is getting harder" and we all feel very, very bad for him.



Anyways, Andi gets the first date card...and despite her being the only woman left who hasn't had a one-on-one date, Clare still thinks she deserves a one-on-one. I mean, maybe she does...considering the creators of this show made it look like they did it last week. So now she is very upset and paranoid that she is going home. She lets us know that she wishes she could "crawl back into her little turtle shell" (which is her favorite saying, I guess).

Before JP picks Andi up for their date, we get to watch Cassandra and Renee have a mommy heart to heart. I like Renee, and I'm sure Cassandra is a nice person...but when she talks, I hear nothing. I'm sorry. I know that's probably pretty mean...but that girl bores me to death.



Bachelor JP picks Andi up for their date wearing some really small scarf that I'm not sure men should wear. But whatever. They go on a boat through the rivers of New Zealand and are laughing and loving life, scarves blowing in the wind. Suddenly, things stop being fun and start getting real when the boat stops and Juan Pablo tells Andi to strip into her bathing suit because they are going swimming. Andi gives him a look like "really? must we?"...and yes, they must.



This is where the fiasco begins.

They start squeezing through these caverns in this cold ass water. I'm hoping they end up on some island with a violin quartet, lots of wine, and chocolate, and amazing things will happen. But they just end up at this shitty, little, cold waterfall that you could probably find in any town anywhere in the world.

BUT I will say Juan Pablo's back muscles really impressed me and it almost made me forget his idiocy, for a few moments anyway.



Nevermind it looking a scene from The Descent! Juan's back muscles make up for it!



After their cavern adventures, they finally are able to relax and drink champagne and eat food. BUT WAIT NOT REALLY because they're on top of geysers.

"Geysers! It's always been my dream to have dinner on top of geysers with a hot guy!" said every woman ever.

Andi and JP have an overall boring date and she ensures her safety and rose by sealing the deal with the phrase "I can't wait to start a family..."
DONE. ROSE.

So next we have the group date. Can you imagine being in a car with four other women that you know are going to be on the same date as you, with one guy? What...a nightmare.



The group date looks kind of fun actually. They have a picnic with cows and then go in these amazing hamster ball things that go downhill on a track and I would actually sign up for the Bachelor just for that.

Chelsie and Juan then spend a few moments together and Chelsie tells him that "This place is the most beautiful place I've ever been! New Zealand kind of reminds me of Ohio, but we have less hills!" Speaking from experience, I can vouch for the fact that Ohio looks nothing like New Zealand and Chelsie is wrong.



After the hamster balls they...WAIT FOR IT....

OMG OMG OMG THEY GO TO THE SHIRE!!!!! OMG OMG OMG shut the fuck up!
Now I would DEFINITELY go on this show just for that!
Obviously, Sharleen, being the huge nerd she is loves it...but Cassandra is all like "what's a hobbit?"



Juan uses his time in the house in the hill to make out with almost every single woman on the group date, and it's actually almost a little gross how he is able to exchange saliva with four different women.



Sharleen wastes no time attacking Juan with her mouth, but she does use the time to talk to Juan about how "inorganic" this all feels...and I'm pretty sure "organic" is her favorite fucking word ever. She opens up to him and tells him that she isn't so sure...and once again, he shuts her down and says "I understand. Just enjoy yourself. Live this with me," then proceeds to make out with her again.
Oh. Okay?

During the date, the clock turns midnight and all the girls celebrate Cassandra's 22nd birthday with her. They joke, laugh, and drink and Cassandra even uses the "my precious" joke in reference to the rose on the table, which I must admit is kind of funny.




It almost seems like these girls are having a fun hangout time, until Juan Pablo comes back into the picture AND RUINS IT ALL. He decides to give the rose to Sharleen in front of everyone and then takes Cassandra aside. We all think "oh, how nice, he's going to give her a bday surprise!"

Which, I guess, in some twisted way he does.

Because he sends her ass home.



"You're gorgeous. You're funny. You're so nice," he tells her. "But I need to send you home to your son."

Well, okay.

I definitely understand his promise to her that if he wasn't feeling it with her, he would send her home right away to be with her baby as opposed to making her wait it out any prolonged period of time. In a way, I guess I respect that..? But COME ON BRO, IT WAS HER FUCKING BIRTHDAY.

Like, worst birthday ever.



Getting sent home from the Shire must be the worst feeling ever.

Once the group date is over, it's inevitable that Crazy Clare gets the one-on-one date. Obviously, she is thrilled to the point of needing sedation.
Although I will never forget Clare showing up on Day 1 with a fake, pregnant belly attachment like a fucking lunatic and her constant lip licking, I can appreciate the fact that she demanded answers from Juan Pablo about why he acted the way he did towards her. She didn't just pretend it was okay. And she put him a little under the heat for what happened.
Of course, JP came up with more bull shit and sort of, kind of, maybe apologized? I don't know.
Immediately after, Clare is back to her bubbly, totally fake self.
She basically tells him "Normally, I wouldn't deal with this kind of shit from guys...but since this is a reality show competition, I don't care because I obviously need to win."



Juan Pablo and Clare continue to talk and have an overall boring date. She talks about God knows what and he tells her "I like listening to you," which is actually what every woman wants to hear though. No matter how completely unentertaining she is.

Later, they spend more time in a hotel room or something? Which in retrospect probably isn't the safest space for a sexual predator like Clare, but whatev.

She puts on his pants and dances around "Adorably", I guess. A song comes on and she jumps up and down saying "I love this song!" I'm not sure what the song is, but I am pretty sure it was Track 7 on The Bachelor Soundtrack...meaning I've literally never heard it.
Once again, the music on this program pisses me off to no end.


^never forget.

He gives her the rose and no one is shocked.

Before the rose ceremony, Chris Harrison sits Juan Pablo down and they talk about "his journey" and basically waste five minutes of our time.
Like, can we just GET TO IT!?

The cocktail party comes around and all the girls who don't have roses once again thirst for Juan Pablo's attention. Nikki the Nurse, of course, grabs him first and kisses the crap out of him to ensure her spot for the week. I think she thinks that if she just keeps making out with him that he will continue to keep her. At the end of their "conversation" (or I guess whatever that was that somewhat resembled a conversation) he tells her "Nikki, watch out" LIKE A COMPLETE SERIAL KILLER!!! And he has this grin on his face, too...it's just...awful. And I'm getting the chills thinking about it.



Terrifying.

Next, Chelsie and Renee both share moments with JP and I'm pretty sure Chelsie is always ridiculously caffeinated. Kat, who I forgot about, takes her time with JP and sorry I'm not sorry that I totally fast-fowarded their entire conversation :\

We all know she was next to go home.

Which she was....

It would actually really suck to be the only girl who was leaving. Up until now, the women have all left two at a time. I feel like leaving by yourself would be more upsetting than anything else.

All Kat can seem to say to him as she's leaving is "good luck" with awkward hugging.
"GOOD LUCK, BASTARD" is what she wanted to say. "THANKS FOR RUINING MY ENTIRE LIFE!!"



Kat says a few good lines:
"I thought it was a marathon, not a sprint. Apparently, I just didn't get up to speed."
Um yeah, because you didn't make out with him soon enough.
Good analogy though.
"I thought I was a good catch. But here I sit."
OKAY CALM DOWN.
You are still a catch. Just because you're not HIS catch doesn't mean you're not a catch. You do not need a television show to find love! This is not IT for you.
God, pull it TOGETHER.

So that's that.
Next week, I'm excited to see some cat fights between Crazy Clare and Nikki the Nurse (who, in my opinion, are probably his front runners at this point)

Until next time,

Kaitie
xo

PS: Also, some good one liners from my dad tonight that I wanted to share:
"What if he has VD or something?"
"He's making out with HER now, too?"
"That's not a man."