Sorry that I've been so absent with this the past week and a half, I've been a little pre-occupied. But here I am, ready to discuss Juan Pablo.
We have a lot to cover...like 6 hours, to be exact.
Because last week, The Bachelor decided to subject America to 4 entire hours of Bachelor 'Hometown' dates in which Bachelor Juan Pablo visits the hometowns of his four remaining lady friends. Some may say this is too long of a time for this crap, and those people are right. However, that allows me 4 entire hours to make fun of Juan Pablo.
So let us begin.
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PART 1
We start will All-American girl doll, Nikki the Nurse, as she brings Bachelor JP to her hometown of Kansas City. As she is trying to show him her city, all he seems to want to do is make out with her. No one should really be shocked by this, since he's a walking tongue and all.
Nikki takes JP to a BBQ place to eat some good, old fashioned ribs. And not so shockingly, Juan Pablo has no idea what the hell BBQ is...even though he's lived in America for the past 10 years, at least...so whatever. Obviously, he and I can never date if he doesn't know what barbeque means.
Nikki decides that, while on this date, she will make him ride a mechanical bull. This provides many laughs for all as Juan Pablo struggles to stay on this thing and not look like a total moron. For once, it's his turn to be put out of his element, to which he repsonds, "If it's somefing that she liahkes, then it's somefing that ah liahke."
We get it, Juan Pablo, she's got "someeetttthiiiing that you liahke"
"Yee haw!" he yells...right before he falls off, and him falling off that mechanical bull may actually be my favorite moment of the entire season.
After their little BBQ date, Nikki takes JP home to finally meet her red-blooded, All-American family...who, by the way, have an almost unrealistically beautiful dining room.
They share stories of their "journey" thusfar with the family and Nikki pokes fun that JP always flies first class when they go to different countries and all that, while the other girls must all fly like US COMMONERS in coach. All he can say is "heheh, I slept like a babaay."
So that's nice.
After dinner, Nikki has a heart to heart with her mother while JP and Nikki's dad have a little chat. Nikki's father is probably the least intimidating person, I've ever seen. Like on a Mr. Rogers level.
Her father asks JP what he sees in Nikki, and Juan Pablo simply says, "With Nikki, it is so EZ."
Nikki and her dad also have a moment together and when he asks HER what she likes about Juan Pablo she says, "Well, come on Dad, have you seen him?!"
And Nikki's parents are so supportive and accepting THAT IT IS ALMOST ALARMING. Like, do they care about their daughter at all?
The answer is probably, yes, but just get her married and out of the house, for the love of God.
Next, we go to Lawyer Andi's rough and tough family in Atlanta. I'm surprised to see that Atlanta is not consumed by walkers, but more frighteningly...it's consumed by Juan Pablo.
Andi is almost a ridiculous level of excited to see Bachelor Juan when he arrives. They frolic in the streets, and Juan Pablo tell us that "Andi is just...mmmmmm."
CAN THIS MAN EVER ACTUALLY DESCRIBE ANYONE!?
Andi takes Juan Pablo to shoot guns, and I love because Andi could totally kill him because she hit the bulls-eye exactly on her first try. And poor Juan Pablo didn't even hit the paper in target practice until the very end of the date.
"MAKE LOVE, NOT WAR...KISS ME ANDI."
After they practiced how easily they could kill someone, Andi finally took him to meet her parents. He brings flowers, as he did for Nikki's family.
Andi's family is a little tougher on JP than Nikki's was, and rightfully so. Andi's father showed A LOT of concern over the fact that Juan Pablo only ever invited his smart and beautiful daughter on group dates up until the end. AS HE SHOULD BE. I think Andi's papa, Hy, was projecting every emotion on Juan Pablo that any actual normal human parent would and should.
Hy hits the nail right on the head when he says that "This is nothing but infatuation" (not to give anything away for later...but he ends up being totally correct).
Unlike Hy, Andi's mother is at least a little receptive of Juan Pablo, well...I mean, she wants him to teach her how to dance. That's about as deep as that connection will get. Andi also demonstrates some moves, and she is such a bad dancer that she just sort of stands there and sways.
The girl is a top prosecuter though, so we can cut here a break with the dancing.
Andi talks then to her sister and her sister says she just "doesn't know about this" and I think we can all relate to that and probably say the same exact thing if our sister brought that hooligan into our home.
Juan Pablo sweats it out under Hy's questioning, and can barely give the man a good answer of any kind.
JP asks Hy for his "blessing"...whatever the fuck that means...and Hy says straight up, "Don't even talk to me unless my daughter is the only woman you are with." Like, are you fucking kidding me Juan Pablo?!? You're asking for her father's BLESSING?! You've got some damn nerve, you crazy bastard.
OKAY, YES I give you my blessing to maybe, if you decide to choose her, propose to my daughter.
Juan Pablo is a lunatic.
BYE. NEXT!
Mama Renee is next and takes Bachelor JP to her hometown of Sarasota, Florida...which makes perfect sense because I can say from personal experience that Sarasota is beautiful...and it is very fitting that Renee, the beach goddess of sun is from there.
And SORRY that I cried like a blubbering child when Renee finally got to see her nine year old son, Ben, and they hugged for solid minutes. It was totally beautiful.
Too bad Juan Pablo was there, RUINING EVERYTHING.
Renee is so happy to be home, that I am so happy that she is home.
Ben is really cute and precious and in his baseball uniform because they are about to watch one of his games. Ben sort of looks at JP like "Mom, who is this crazy man who is staring at you like you're his next meal?"
Juan Pablo talks about he can't wait to one day have a son so that he "can play baseball, soccer, football..etc. with him" because apparently he cannot do any of those things with his daughter. Just because she's a girl?
Me and my dad played catch all the time! I mean, like maybe three times, but it was awesome. Mostly, I just made him act out The Lion King with me when I was little when he had to babysit me. He played Mufasa. (don't tell him I told you, he'd kill me)
Anyways.
Renee then introduces JP to the rest of her family, including her parents and brother, who are all very beautiful, and tan Floridians.
It becomes very apparent, very quickly (as if it wasn't already before) that Renee is simply way too good for him. The only common denominator these two people have is that they are parents.
Renee's mom is like "Did you get a chance to meet Ben's new coach?" and there is a huge part of me that hopes the coach is an attractive, loving, single dad who will one day steal Renee's heart.
I SHIP IT!
Renee/Coach. <3
Bye, Juan Pablo.
Finally, we get to go to Sacramento with Crazy Clare and meet her family.
Bachelor Juan Pablo let's us know that he "has a good time every time he's with her"...yeah JP, maybe a little TOO much fun.
They meet up and as per usual, Clare clings to him like a sloth. Like a sloth on crack, I tell you.
Because there is no letting up.
JP basically says he can't wait to meet her family because he can't wait to see what the fuck makes this girl the way she is.
Clare tells Juan Pablo an emotional story about her father and I get really teared up again. I don't know why I am so emotional during this episode, but whatever. Despite Clare being crazy, I feel for her in this moment..and any other moment she talks about her late father. I truly hope she's sharing these stories because of a genuine connection she is feeling...and not just to manipulate him for attention, but I don't know. I hate to accuse someone of something like that...but she DID show up with a fake pregnany stomach on day 1...let us never forget that. And I don't hate her, I just wish she wouldn't act the way she acts a majority of the time. (aka like Juan Pablo's puppy)
She take him home to meet her family...and this woman is the youngest of SIX sisters. So I'm starting to kind of get more a look into he family dynamic, and am not AS surprised anymore as to why she is the way she is. I mean...holy shit. No wonder, AMIRIGHT?
Not that all big family's are crazy, but you're bound to have one sibling that is a complete nutcase.
"He is doing well with all these women," Clare laughs to the camera as she talks about her mother and sisters...and yeah, like, no shit Clare. He's been surrounded by women for a month and a half straight, after all.
Some of the sisters are supportive, and some are not. It is hard to keep track of them all. One of the older sister's, Laura, decides to be the 'man of the house' and tells Clare that "they are not ready to give their blessing"...and apparently this is extremely upsetting to Clare.
Laura also accuses Clare of being manipulative to their mother. WHAT? CLARE? No.
Clare tells Laura, for lack of a better word, to fuck off and Laura goes and stands creepily in the corner like "Here I am Clare....Clare....I'm just over here...Clare...I don't want to say anything more...but I'll be back here....okay Clare?" It becomes very apparent that Laura cannot leave Mama alone for ONE SINGLE MOMENT in fear that Mama will actually tell Clare that marrying Juan Pablo is a good idea.
Clare is the perfect example of what happens when you have SISTERS THAT CARE ABOUT YOU, but actually cannot mind their own business because of it.
Ultimately, Juan Pablo comes out and flexes his muscles saying "eeeessss okay", charming everyone so that by the end of the date they are begging him to marry Clare.
Mama finally opens her mouth, too...and is very sweet and welcoming, unlike her neurotic daughters.
Finally, we reach the Rose Ceremony.
By this point, we have realized that all four women (except maybe Andi, we don't know..) have admitted that they are "in love" with Juan Pablo, but have no yet told him. Even though, Juan Pablo has stated several hundred times how much he values honesty.
And really...? You love him? Really?
"Ay yi yi! What to do?" JP proclaims before beginning the ceremony.
He gives Nikki the first rose, which I'm pretty sure he's done the past few weeks? I can't remember.
He then gives Clare the second rose (token Nikki death glare here)...and finally...
*INSERT CHRIS HARRISON: "Okay everyone, this is the final rose. Juan Pablo, when you're ready..." *DISAPPEARS AGAIN INTO THIN AIR
... he gives the last rose to Andi, sending Mama Renee home.
And whatever shred of a heart I have left after this grueling season has been broken because Renee just looks so unbelievably devastated. The girls try to act sad, and then Juan Pablo starts crying...
OH GOD, SPARE ME, JUAN.
"You are so special, Renee," he tells her....just not special to you, apparently?
"I can't force him to love me," Renee says. AND YEAH, you can't, dear.
Competing for love is not healthy, okay? Why are we just learning this now?
Renee also says, "I just...I can't believe there is someone who exists like him."
YEAH, ME EITHER, RENEE.
(Renee/Coach 4eva)
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PART 2
Oh boy, here we go.
It's night 2 of the Bachelor extravaganza. We arrive in yet another exotic and sexual location, Saint Lucia. Bachelor Juan Pablo is ready for a fun-filled three days to spend with his final three girlfriends, one of which will become his "wife", we think. Maybe.
OK, and this final date week is all about the Fantasy Suite. Which means Juan Pablo is going to be doing a lot of "talking" with his last three women, "talking" that will not be shown on screen.
So something more intimate and private.
And he'll be GETTING SOME.
"It's not easy, but I'm going to try to make the best decision," he says. And I really, really hope he is just saying that and he hasn't reached this point in the show and not know who he is actually going to choose to BE HIS POTENTIAL WIFE.
Come on.
He knows.
Right?
Crazy Clare is first this week, and gets a nice greeting from Juan Pablo: a pat on the booty.
And I realize that for a hair stylist, Clare's hair always looks exactly the same. Just an observation.
Clare cackles a lot and Juan Pablo takes off his shirt and they frolic in the sea.
Clare is having 'Nam flashbacks in which she recalls Juan Pablo slut shaming her for sneaking into his room in the middle of the night so they can go for a late night "swim."
So basically, ever since JP called Clare a slut, she's having a hard time deciding if she should accept the fantasy suite date, or not. There is a "big" part of her that is "hesitant", but the other part of her is spreading her legs apart, and ready to go.
I hate how she pretends throughout their entire date that she is not going to accept the fantasy date card...LIKE SISTER, PLEASE.
JP takes her cover up off before they go swimming and it's just way too sexual for my liking. Clare keeps talking about how fucking nervous she is.
They talk about Camila a lot, and let's not forget how scary of a step-mom Clare would be. Camila would be on the first bus to boarding school.
They have a 'deep' conversation in which Clare shares some of her doubts and observations...all he can manage to say is "you've been doing a lot of thinking here, I liahke that."
Yeah, well someone's got to, Juan Pablo.
They are delivered the fantasy suite date card, signed from Chris Harrison, which contains the key to JP's pantelones...I mean, room. His room key.
Clare responds a quick "Yes!" despite having talked about how hesitant she was throughout the entire damn episode thusfar.
"Ever since he blindfolded me on that first date, I knew I loved him," is probably the first and only time that sentence will be uttered.
Juan Pablo is really, really happy that Clare said yes because she's sooo sexy. He keeps touching her ear, eyebrow, other weird places on her head. It's very predatory and makes me feel icky to watch.
"Why are you thinking so much?" he asks her.
UMMMM.
Will you stop touching my face for one fucking second?
They finally head in for the night and JP tells us how excited he is to "talk" with Clare alllll night long.
Clare tells JP, "You've melted me..."
And then we all collectively vomit.
Next, they show Juan Pablo waking up, looking tired because of all the talking, and whatnot.
He says, "We talked and talked, and cuddled in bed...but now is my time with Andi."
lol. Okay.
Lawyer Andi comes and is really pleased to see him again. They hang out in town and make friends with the locals, they play steel drums (JP didn't know what they were), they play futbol with the children (but not before JP takes his shirt off), it's all very fun and hunky dory. JP even lets one of the little boys have a sip of his margarita.
He then takes Andi to yet another waterfall, which I guess is their thing.
He seems to be different with Andi when they talk, less sexual...more intellectual. No, that's definitely no the right word...
Well, as intellectual as he can possibly be...which isn't much, but you know.
Just a little rundown of their gripping convo:
Andi tells JP he's "easy" which makes us all laugh, collectively.
She asks him what he is thinking and he asks, "what do you mean: what am I thinking?"
"What do you think my head is made of air or something?" (he didn't actually say that, but imagine him saying it and try not to laugh)
Andi asks him if he thinks she will make a good mother, and he basically says "probably not, but you're gorgeous."
Ultimately, JP decides that Andi has a lot of qualities that he liahkes, he just can't tell you what they are. Because "his English..eesss not so good"
But I'm sure he knows how to say "fuck me, please, Andi" pretty well.
They get their invite to the suite from Chris Harrison and I'm pretty sure the key is different from the last one, which is kind of weird.
And Andi says yes...and they're going to talk...allllll night long.
He is going to talk her so good that she'll never want to talk another man again.
The next morning, JP let's us know just how much they talked. "For hours...and hours...HOURS, yeah we had a great time...so much fun, she's got funny cheeks (then he squeezes his own cheeks)...round," he says.
Meanwhile, Andi is walking alone, looking off into the distance with this sad, distraught look on her face. So obviously, he is lying or just really out of touch. Either way.
Apparently, she has had a complete 180 in her feelings since the night before. She claims that she has realized so much since the night before. All he did was talk about himself, he didn't show any interest in her, or take her seriously, she even pretended to fall asleep so he would leave her alone. OK, Andi, any of us could have told you that he was full of himself, week 1. What kind of man needs a reality show to find love? I'll tell you: one that needs attention.
In my opinion, I don't now how real Andi's feelings ever were, or what exactly happened...but I think they're teeing her up to be the next Bachelorette and not being so subtle about it (if I'm wrong, fine)...but it's kind of like we all know he's most likely going to pick Nikki. There's no way in hell they'd make Clare the next Bachelorette, she's too clingy/she'll probably never get over JP/she's annoying as hell. Plus, after his anti-gay comments in recent "news", the showrunners probably decided they needed to straighten this out (pun intended) and make him look like kind of a bad guy. Andi was the perfect one to deliver the punch, a good old southern girl with a kick ass career and good head on her shoulders? Just what America would want to see from their new Bachelorette.
But we'll talk more later.
For now, on to Nikki the Nurse.
JP talks about how great it was to stare at Clare in a bikini all day, and that he loved kissing Andi, and he can't wait to see what is in store for his date with Nikki (I'm not kidding. He said this.)
Then he...growled? It was weird.
See here:
https://mtc.cdn.vine.co/r/videos/732A3252FB1052788229851488256_122964a4a6e.4.4.11253351020550586731.mp4?versionId=sdOPfeSghVnjZIRLfBCE0t8eFnkBEEy2
Nikki arrives and I don't now what the fuck she is wearing but she looks like some sort of Navajo-Hippie Princess. Directly after JP says, "she is so sexy...sooo sexy" he claims, "you look so happy, like a little girl!"
I just felt weird about that, and had to share.
They ride horses and whatnot and things got super creepy, super fast with Nikki.
"She is smiling, so I know she is very happy," Juan Pablo is really great at observational skills and he'd definitely be the guy at the bar who thinks that because you ordered a Sex on the Beach in front of him that that was your opening for him to molest your face with his greedy hands.
It's obvious Nikki has what he wants: she has the sex appeal Clare has (but without the crazy) and the quick wit that Andi has (but without the doubt of his character/the 'over'-thinking).
However, he cannot say that he is 100% for Nikki, because hello...this is a TV show and there is still another week. The world needs to see Clare get her heartbroken on national television (maybe, maybe he does send Nikki home..IDK)
They sit down to a nice dinner and I have no idea what they talk about, or if they talk at all. But when she tries to get emotional with him, he says "Oh, Nikki, Nikki, Nikki, you think so much."
He doesn't seem to like when they think.
So that's an issue.
He keeps touching her ear, as per usual, and they get the invite from Chris Harrison.
BTW...Does Chris Harrison actually write those..because his handwriting is fucking beautiful! Can we make a font on Microsoft Word called "Chris Harrison"??
She says yes, of course and then he gets really, really predatory.
She opens up and tells him that she is, indeed, falling in love with him. They kiss, and his repsonse? "I love...kissing you."
Oh, that's nice. And...also, no shit.
The next morning, JP wakes up and looks EXTREMELY tired. Who wouldn't be? After spending three sleepless nights in a row, "talking" to these beautiful women?
Chris Harrison sits Juan Pablo down for a chat and JP tells us, once again, how "horrrrrrible it is having three to choose from and not knowing." AWWWWEEE, JUAN :'( WEEPING FOR YOU.
Chris is kind of like "Listen, buddy, really...you have no idea? At this point? Come on...CAN YOU ACTUALLY TELL US WHAT YOU ARE THINKING FOR ONCE?"
Juan Pablo's exact response?
"Yeah, I like them. I feel good."
Whatever the hell that is supposed to mean.
OBVIOUSLY you like them...and obviously it feels good making out with three stunning women. Tell us something new, you prick.
Chris allows JP a few moments to collect whatever 'thoughts' are in his puny little brain. JP spends this time staring at the photographs of the three women, because looking at pictures will definitely help him in this decision for his future. Next, we watch the women's video messages to Juan Pablo. both Nikki and Clare leave him very generic messages (except Clare, who actually tells him that she is in love with him in her message...eek) and it is obvious that these two would be perfect for JP because they would worship the ground he walks on.
Andi leaves her video message basically saying "listen, we need to talk...face to face."
So she comes around the riverbend and sits him down.
She opens up to him and says "look, you don't know a damn thing about me, how can we go into the final rose and you don't even know my beliefs or values?"
And he just sits there, dumbfounded that someone wouldn't like him based on looks alone and keeps telling her "eeeesss okay."
EEESSS NOT OKAY, JUAN.
I don't blame Andi in the slightest for wanting to leave your weird, shallow, chauvinistic ass!
He is so nonchalant about her doubts, and acts like he doesn't take her the least bit seriously (not that any of us are surprised)
Andi begins to get more and more fired up and tells him to stop saying that "it's okay" that these are her feelings, and he needs to explain to her why he doesn't take her seriously. He blames their language barrier and that he doesn't know what the hell she's talking about.
OKAY, BULL SHIT.
Any words he does manage to say make zero sense. Andi tells him that she is going to die if he says "eess okay" one more time and I actually lol at that one because I was thinking the same thing. Or maybe she could just SHOOT HIM IN THE HEAD like a walker.
Andi also brings up some jerky things he said in the fantasy suite about how he mentioned that Andi got through by "default."
Juan Pablo takes this as a HUGE attack because, I quote: "I would never use the word 'default'...'default' is not a word in my vocabuularie. I don't know that word. (which I actually kind of believe)...I said, 'You BARELY made it through'...not default."
OH OKAY.
Thanks for the clarification, you complete and total ASS HOLE.
Even if he didn't say 'default' and said that she 'barely' made it through, it's still probably the most hurtful thing you could say to someone in her position...who is competing with other women for a husband. I mean, is this guy for real? Is he really that out of touch with women?
I can believe it, but I also can't.
No wonder his ex left him. I would have used him for sperm, too, and then kicked him to the curb.
Andi asks JP if he has any idea of her values or beliefs, to which he responds "no"...she then goes on about something or another...and he has the nerve to ask her then, "what is my religion? do you know MINE?" and she responds easily, "Catholic" and he is struck dumb...unshockingly.
He then proceeds to blame her for having feelings and concerns, and that she should have told him that she wanted him to know more about her.
WHYYYY would she have to tell you "hey Juan, I would appreciate it if you wanted to know something about me"?!!?
He is so self-absorbed I want to murder myself.
By the end of the talk, it is clear she is exhausted of him because it's like having a conversation with a brick wall.
He then goes, "Andi, Andi..." and rubs her eyebrow...?
A re-enactment by Andi and Kelly, Dog Lover
She flicks his hand away like the bug he is and gets up, ready to get the hell out of Saint Lucia and far away from the fantasy suite from hell.
Her final statement: "He doesn't get it, and he will never get it."..."Are my standards so high that I just don't see it?" No, honey, you make complete sense. You can't go into marriage without the man knowing anything about you, really. And all he wants to do is kiss you and talk about his life.
His opinion on the matter, and I quote:
"I'm just maybe a little disappointed. That little argument to me? No. That's done. Even if she wanted to stay...that would have been it."
He doesn't like arguments. He wants you to shut up and listen to him so he can stroke your ear and kiss you...and he is so stupid that he thinks this is okay.
I've never seen a man on television that I despise more.
It's so bad that I can't even imagine how any woman could find him attractive anymore. How can you like a guy like that, ladies?!
Come on!
The Rose Ceremony, you ask?
Nikki and Clare stand together, confused and Juan Pablo comes out and tells them, "She decided it wasn't feeling right. Obviously, I am so hurt by this." (even though he just said that he was only a 'little disappointed, maybe' that Andi was leaving like this)
So he places the blame on Andi and makes sure the other women know that it's still anyone's game.
And now I feel sick.
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THE WOMEN TELL ALL
I don't have a ton to say about the Women Tell All, to be honest...because the women sort of spoke for me. They spent an hour and a half talking with Chris Harrison, and basically ripping on Juan Pablo and how awful he is. The ladies put JP on blast, to which I say: YOU GOOOO.
Which is interesting because each and every one of those women cried like babies when they left the house...except for maybe Free Spirit Lucy, and Dog Lover Kelly.
It kind of seemed like everyone jumped on Andi's "let's hate on Juan" bandwagon.
Which, please, by all means.
However, they weren't doing it for the right reasons. They weren't really that mad at him for acting like a complete bastard (because let's face it, most bachelors do act like Juan, but are better at pretending to care), but moreso acting like sour grapes that they had to go home and got denied.
Let's not forget, they also had time to go back and watch the episodes and figure out just how demeaning and wishy-washy he was. Let's face it, his "no kissing because of my daughter rule" reallllly came back to bite him in the ass. These women are not pleased.
But first! Before any of that, Chris brings out last season's Bachelor Sean and his beautiful new wife, winner, Catherine. They talk awkwardly about their honeymoon and how great the show was for them blah blah blah blah. Sean says he thinks it is great that their children (which they plan on having within the next year...) will be able to watch the show and the wedding show and see how their parents' love progressed.
I'm sorry, but would I ever let my children watch me make out with multiple dudes and not be able to decide who I wanted to marry until the very last episode? Fuck no.
"Yeah, let's see how daddy made out with all these other women besides mommy! How romantic!" What a great lesson on what love is, Sean.
Chris then asks Catherine about the wedding night because everyone knows that Sean and Catherine were waiting until they were married to have sex because Sean is a born again virgin. I'm all for it, but I don't see the need to talk about it...?
Catherine simply says, "It was magical. There were fireworks. Quick fireworks, but still."
And oh goodness, I haven't laughed that hard in a while at this stupid show.
Anyways, back to the other ladies. Chris shows the ladies flashbacks from the season, and they all cringe (as they should) at the way they acted/the way JP acted. This is around the time everyone jumped on the Andi bandwagon, and the women who were most fiesty, you ask? The women sent home week 1/2/3...like, okay betch, no one takes you seriously.
Like Danielle and Lauren? PLEASE!
WHO EVEN ARE YOU?
I remember Lauren being the one who crumbled up on the ground basically and asked what was wrong with her and why she wasn't good enough when Juan Pablo sent her home.
Now she's all "he's a jerk, I would've left too if I were Andi!"
I enjoy that Kelly, the Dog Lover (as she is petting Molly) calls her out on it and is like "ummm come on Lauren, you're just a bitter betch"
Kat, meanwhile, is all like "HOLD ON, LET ME TALK!" because we all really, really care what she has to say. She finds a way to sneak her way into almost every answer to Chris's questions.
Chris then calls Sharleen to the hot seat for them to talk about JP and why she "broke his heart" (basically implying that Sharleen would've had it in the bag if she hadn't walked out of the hotel that night). So Sharleen steps down with her strong eyebrow game and watches back on her journey with Juan Pablo...to which she says "oh no", especially when they show a clip of the two of them sucking face.
Sharleen then, surprisingly, defends Juan Pablo and says they actually did have really enlightening and intellectual conversations, and that he showed a lot of interest in what her life was like, what she had to say, etc. etc. (So...okay, where were those scenes then because I'm pretty sure we only ever saw you stick your tongue in and around his mouth, Sharleen)
"He wanted to know ME" she says, probably because she
After that, Chris talks to Renee and asks her how she is coping. She is all smilely, and clearly fine. She then says she has a special someone in her life and I KNOW IT'S THE BASEBALL COACH, OKAY?!
Chris is clearly then on Andi's side because he claims, "we've never seen anything like this on the Bachelor before, ever."
They then bring Juan Pablo out and it seems like each of the girls, even ones that I'm pretty sure he doesn't remember at all, takes a turn hitting him with a stick like the pinata that he is.
Chris then asks him, "Would you do anything differently?" and JP responds, "No."
They immediately cut to Cassandra who is all "Reallllly, bitch?" and let's face it, she had a right to be upset. He tells Renee he won't kiss her because of her son...but then turns around and makes out with Cassandra. So in that sense, I can get why she's pissed.
She then basically calls him out for this and asks why he didn't send Renee home if he wasn't feeling it with her, asks him why he went to meet Ben if he knew he wasn't going to pick Renee to move forward. Juan Pablo proceeds to act like Cassandra is so CRAZY and out of line for asking such a thing...even though it makes total sense.
He is the one who makes no sense, with all of his empty justifications.
(the gist:)
Chris: You're being offensive about this kissing rule, you know that right?
JP: Eeeesss okay.
Chris: No.
JP: Look, I didn't come here to kiss 27 women, okay?....I came here to kiss 12.
Truthfully, all he needed to do was come on the show, apologize for being a jerk, and call it a day. It wouldn't have really helped anything...but he only made himself look like a bigger ass wipe on this Women Tell All special.
Kelly, the Dog Lover, then decides that this special is the time to bring up Juan's comments about how gay families are perverse. She gets really emotional about it, which we realize is because her father is gay. And what does Juan Pablo do? He dismisses her by saying that was taken out of context and they could talk about it later.
Alright. Cool.
So as if this season hasn't made him look bad enough, he just put the cherry on the sundae there.
Sharleen, of course, has to add her two cents by saying, "in his defense, WE DID talk about equality"
And JP goes "yeah, yeah! I have gay friends! Like two or three...!"
Hey Juan Pablo,
I couldn't have been more excited to turn this stupid show off.
I didn't gather much from the Women Tell All that I didn't already know, but I will say the most entertaining part of the entire program was whenever they panned to the audience.
Like what was with that audience?
Are they paid actresses? Or is this an SNL skit?
They were just soooo involved in this show. Like, this one crazy woman was tearing up over I don't even know what!
They were living their lives for this thing! Breathing it! Loving it! Knowing it!
It was very, very creepy.
_______________________________
Alright y'all. I know this was a long one. And thanks for sticking with it.
Also, if you can't tell, I don't spell check these and obviously the grammar is not always correct. I like to write my blogs like I am having an actual conversation with you. If you have an issue with that, you do not have to read it. I know there are lots of other Bachelor blogs that you can look up!
Until next time,
Kaitie
xo
Oh, and I found this today!
PS: Thanks to 'OMG THE BACHELOR' for providing some of these awesome pics. Follow: http://omgthebachelor.tumblr.com/
