Betchy Bachelor Monday: Bachelor Ben Week 4

Good evening.
Can't wait to see where tonight's chapter of Ben 2.0's love journey takes us.
Without further ado.



The episode kicks off with the women congregating in the living room of Bachelor Mansion. They discuss how exhausted they are, how empty the house is now (okay?), and how there is a weird vibe/energy.

Yes. That weird vibe is called: loathing the people you live with in jealousy that they are in "love" with the same man you are.

A familiar feeling for all.

Papi comes in and tells them that they are all going to Las Vegas. The girls are very excited about this.
We see Ben, still in his Mustang, driving around the Nevadian desert.
He surprises the girls by with a big neon sign. They all literally begin jumping up and down. JoJo cries, "this is so romantic! I'm falling in love with him!"
Yeah, very romantic. A sign just for you.
Oh, wait, no. It's for everyone.



Well, maybe it was just for JoJo, since she snags the first one-on-one date card. Olivia somehow has convinced herself that she and Ben are in an exclusive relationship.

We get a little moment with the Twins, talking about how they literally do everything together: work out, watch movies, live in the same place, have the same job...
so somehow are they telling us that they would be okay with marrying the same guy..?
Are they polygamists?

That's a first on this show.

I wish I was kidding, but I don't think I am.

Ben 2.0, my love and light, brings JoJo up on a rooftop or something, where a...you guessed it, helicopter picks them up. The wind from the propellers knocks a table over into them, which is kind of comical. But, they kiss behind said fallen table nonetheless. Meanwhile, all the girls in Hotel Las Bachelor are looking on in rage and jealousy. Olivia is getting very nervous that she is losing Ben to another lover.

Jesus, take it.



JoJo and Ben kiss some more in a helicopter..boring.

Back at the hotel, the ladies receive the group date card. Amanda, Jubilee, Caila, Lauren B, Amber, Haley, Emily, Leah, Lauren H, Jennifer, Rachel, and Olivia get the date...meaning our favorite Bachelor-Vet, Becca will get the one-on-one.

JoJo and Ben sit down to eat (but not really because no one ever eats) and drink. They talk about all the "moments" they've had. Ben says "moment" about forty times. JoJo talks about how much her guard has fallen and how scared she is because of all of the "stuff in her past" that is making her "cautious." MEANING she's been cheated on.
And we find out that she only broke it off with this other guy five months ago. Meaning that to help herself getting over a guy who was not faithful to her and did not give her all of his love and dedication she decided to go onto a Reality Television dating competition show in which she must duel with other women for one man's affection.
I think we need some on-sight therapy?!
Papi, can you help us out? You are a self-proclaimed love doctor, right?

Ben gives JoJo the rose. Which is nice. She seems like a nice gal.

I just hope this show doesn't really fuck her up.

They go on top of the building and watch fireworks going off (literally) from another building.
The other girls hear the fireworks and are, you guessed it, jealous.
Olivia is fuming. She is having a mental breakdown.
Whatever.




The group date begins. The Twins won't shut up. The date has something to do with a "Show" and this is Vegas, so duh. Lauren H hopes they won't have to wear nipple tassles. Can someone send her home please? She just bothers me when she speaks.

So they sit in this theater with some puppet guy who is apparently very famous. He tells the girls they will be performing a talent show. The girls are having a hard time thinking of a talent because they've relied almost entirely upon their appearance their entire lives and not their actual brains or talent.




Everyone is very concerned about Olivia's talent and what it will be. I personally think she should just try to put as many objects in her mouth as she can. Olivia puts on some skimpy showgirl outfit. It becomes apparent that either a- Olivia is up to something or b- she has no talent.

I'll go with the latter.

The puppet guy then tells them they have an hour to get ready because they will be his opening act. To be honest, does this crowd have high expectations when they're going to see one man do a puppet show?

I think not likely.



Haley and Emily kick off the "talent" show with their Irish step dancing which is actually pretty good...but is freaky because it looks like a mirror image...their hair even moves the same way.
Jubilee goes next and plays the cello. Ben is impressed.
Lauren B juggles. Caila belly dances..? Rachel makes balloon animals in her pajamas (accurate depiction of my entire life actually). Lauren H sings a dumb song in a chicken suit. Amanda hula hoops. Leah dressed like a clown. Jennifer hit tennis balls.
Like the bar is pretty low.
Olivia says she has no trouble being "the one that shines" and come out in a cake in her skimpy little outfit then dances around awkwardly. Caila laughs at her saying "I don't know what her talent is, but it's hard to look away" umm..it's not like your supposed "belly dancing" was much better.
If anyone is judging this, it's going to be me.



Finally, thank God, it's over. The girls cheers together. Olivia begins to have a panic attack.
Same.
I felt the same way after watching that talent show.

PS Did anyone see Amber's talent because I didn't?

She is taking the talent show really hard. She realizes that she has no talent, at least none she can show on network television. NO no that was mean. IM SORRY.
It becomes apparent that Olivia is a perfectionist who can't stand the idea of not being the best at something and losing.
Which makes her...really...endearing...

*coughs awkwardly*



After this debacle, the cocktail party starts. Caila says she really "wants to stand out" but not in a "loud obnoxious way" so she makes out with him because that's not obnoxious. Ben calls her a "Sex Panther"
*cringes*
Caila feels like she's been hidden in the background even though she got the first one-on-one date...YEAH CAILA, I REMEMBER.
Caila, the Sex Panther, although from Ohio, is not my favorite for Ben. I won't lie to you all. I mean, he could obviously do worse...but eh...I don't know. I know they've got a lot in common but she just seems like too much for me.



Ben takes Lauren H aside, along with his puppet, to get some one on one time. She kisses the puppet. That's real. And then she kisses Ben as well. Which is fine. If Ben wants to marry a real housewife, then yeah, it's cute.

Olivia pulls Ben aside (of course) and tells him how embarrassed she was. She tells him she is "not good at being show-y"
HUH!
Interesting!
Haley, or Emily, I don't know interrupts them. Olivia walks away feeling "VERRRY UNSURE" of herself and scared. And she doesn't understand "what happened."

What happened is that Ben is starting to like other people more than you, which is easy to do because you're evil. Not today Satan. Not today.



I'm sorry if this seems like it's turning into an Olivia bashing blog...am I turning into one of those girl's who blogged about Olivia's cankles??
But she just makes it too easy.

Lovely guitar music plays as Lauren B (obvious winner IMO) approaches Ben. They make out and she tells him she missed him "sooooo" much. She tells him she doesn't know how to comprehend her feelings. What, the feelings of being forced to fall in love with someone and put into an unrealistic environment with a really nice-seeming guy? You're having a hard time comprehending that?

If someone stuck me under a palm tree, gave me a glass of Cab, and put a guy like Ben Higgins in my line of sight, I would think I was falling in love too.

Twin #2 Emily is having a nice conversation about her dog with Ben and Olivia comes over and interrupts to re-hash everything all over again. Ben is trying to be as nice as humanly possible, but it is clear he is very annoyed. I mean, she walks over like a psychopath, awkwardly dancing around and apologizing for I don't even know what. Ben tells her not to apologize.

Meanwhile, one of my favorites, Jennifer, has not gotten any time with Ben.
BAH!
Anger.

Ben gives the date rose to Lauren B because that is his wife. It's done. Might as well end the show now. I'm calling it.
Well, I won't say that quite yet...IDK.

At Hotel Las Bachelor, Becca receives a package from Ben, and it's a fucking wedding dress. I'm not sure what to say. Some driver (not Ben) picks her up in this wonderful pink car and takes her to a wedding chapel. Ben wants to marry her really quick so that they can get it on, since she's waiting till marriage. Ben gets on one knee and we are all freaking out...especially Becca. But he says "Becca, will you marry...other people with me?"




Becca is "really excited" (she says so about forty times) but also visibly relieved that her first one on one with Ben is not turning into a shotgun wedding.

So Ben is ordained, which is definitely a pro in a quality you look for in a partner in my opinion.

And he actually does a really great job. The guy is a natural.
Becca I guess is just there to stand there and look good.

What a weird ass first date.

They sit down for their drink/eating portion of the date. Ben asks Becca why this season works better for her than last and she puts Chris on blast saying she's "more ready this time" and was "so closed off to Chris" which is funny to me because he almost married her. Ben asks her about being a virgin. She gives a nice enough answer and he appreciates her for that. Which is SO FUCKING CUTE BEN...SO FUCKING CUTE.
She tells him, "I like you so much"
YEAH, ME TOO BITCH!
Ben made some "vows" to her. Then Becca makes her vows to him. They're pretty cheesy, but it's cute as heck.
Did Becca just become a front runner?!
I THINK SO, BACHELOR BETCHES, I THINK SO.



Becca returns from her date at Hotel Las Bachelor when Papi walks in and gathers the bitches together. He then tells our favorite twins, Emily and Haley that Ben has requested a two on one date. He then informs us he's taking them on an early hometown date.
WTF?
OH MY GOD
OH MY GOD
THEY HAVE DACHSHUNDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wiener dogs mean THE WORLD TO ME.
You guys don't even know. I'm so distracted. I can't even write this blog.
There's four of them. oh my god.
And they're fat as hell.
*breathing heavily*
*crying*







ok.
I've composed myself.
Haley I think? brings Ben to her room and he looks at all of the pictures she has ...a few of which are with ex boyfriends. AWKWARD. Haley throws the pictures under her bed quickly. LOL.
This reminds me of Room Raiders.



Emily totally throws her sister under the bus and says she feels like Haley isn't "there yet" with Ben like Emily is. Ben takes some time by having a sit down with their mom?
Then he sits them ALL DOWN AT ONCE...INCLUDING THE DOGS.
And sends Haley home! Well, keeps her home.
Damn!
DAAAMMMMNNNN.
Awkward.
IN FRONT OF THE MOM!?
Whoa, Ben, whoa!

Emily is officially Twin #1

That was such a shock.
Mainly because I can't believe Ben was able to tell them apart in the end.

The pre-Rose cocktail party begins and Olivia plans to steal Ben first for some time to reflect about the debacle the other day AGAIN.
Jennifer YAY! grabs him first, beats Olivia to the punch. Ben barely gets to talk to Jennifer because Olivia walks over. WHY DON'T THE OTHER GIRLS RESTRAIN HER?!
I would be grabbing her cankles and dragging her away.
Poor Jen :(
I really think Ben likes Jen, but he's gotten actually no time with her so won't be surprised if she goes home. I hope it's Olivia...but it's still so early in the season. They need the ratings, so I'm sure she'll be around because we all hate her.

JoJo pulls Olivia aside to compare their relationships right away. Which is a really great idea.

Ben is kissing so many girls tonight that I'm pretty sure lip gloss is permanently smeared on his lips.

Jubilee is feeling insecure so she goes to talk to Ben. He assures her that he is interested basically telling her that she is safe.
Sigh. We'll see though.

Rose Ceremony Time:
(mind you, Olivia is narrating the entire time like PSYCHO..and her words don't even make sense anymore)
1- Amanda - has gotten the first or second rose every week! love her
2- Lauren H - eugh, fine..
3- Jubilee - obviously
4- Emily - Twin #1 is here to stay
5- Caila - eugh, fine..
6- Jennifer - yay!
7- Leah - forgot about her
8- Olivia - FUCK
We have to listen to her for another week, folks.
Come on, Ben.

Thus, he sends Rachel home - now I guess you'll have to find a job :\ and Amber who has been basically a ghost in this episode. I mean, has she talked ONCE in two hours?
I feel bad. Rachel seemed decently normal, and it sucks that she was literally the only one he didn't kiss. That can't feel good..
Amber is devastated because she has claimed that she "was ready to marry him"
OH CHILL OUT.
God, these people are lunatics.
Does ABC offer complimentary therapy for these women after they get rejected?

 Alright.

Losers of the Night:
Haley - sorry Twin #2, you didn't make the cut
Olivia - always a loser in my opinion
Caila - just trying too hard, lost some points with me, won't lie
Las Vegas - sorry of all the debauchery you've had to witness, these dates might be the worst

Winners of the Night:
JoJo - new front runner
Becca - obviously
Lauren B - Ben's wife
These three will go far. I really think that.
Puppets


Number of times Olivia flip flopped between thinking she is the front-runner/Ben's future wife to being "totally defeated": 8




Number of times I felt uncomfortable: 47

Number of emotional breakdowns:  9
(Olivia's panic attack, Jubilee upset at pre-rose cocktail hour, Olivia at the cocktail portion of her group date, Olivia again at the cocktail portion of her group date, Haley over leaving, Emily over Haley leaving, Olivia again before the rose ceremony, Rachel over leaving, Amber in a big way over leaving)

9 isn't as high as it has been. I'll tell you that.

Until next time,



Kaitie
xo

Betchy Bachelor Monday: Bachelor Ben Week 3

Hola.

Sorry the week long delay of getting this written out. My life is just so thrilling and exciting I just haven't had the time. No. I'm totally kidding. Obviously.

Anyways. Let's begin.



Can't wait to hear these emotionally unstable gals talk about how they're falling in love with a man they've known for a week.

We start off with Amanda and Lauren B. talking mad smack about O-LIVIA.

Papi brings in the first date card. Lauren B. (yay!) gets the first one-on-one date card of the episode. Olivia grips her arm, clearly "very happy" for her.

Ben 2.0 rides up in his Mustang that he apparently owns for the remainder of the season. AND HE IS LOOKING GOOD IN A NICE POWDER BLUE HENLEY. I SEE YOU, MY ANGEL.



Despite Lauren B. being a full-time flight attendant, she is SOOOO SCARED to ride in one of those little two person planes. "Oh, my God, Ben, take my hand!!" They enjoy the beautiful sights of the coast and somehow all of Lauren's nerves instantly went away in the sky with Ben. They fly over Bachelor Mansion and tell all the other girls to suck it.

So they finally land in the middle of some wasteland and Lauren talks about how scared she is of getting hurt, but that she genuinely trusts Ben. He leads her to a hot tub in the literal middle of nowhere? Dinner and drinks would've been fine...but OK, I'll put my bikini on. No big deal.

Casual.



They talk for a few minutes then make out. Very comfortable making out in a hot tub in the middle of nowhere with a bunch of cameras around.

Meanwhile, back at Bachelor Mansion the girls are FREAKING OUT. I mean, it is WEEK 3 and there have already been so many emotional breakdowns. Caila is unhappy in particular. She begins crying frantically at the thought of Ben being with other girls to JoJo. Girl, chill. You're going to live through this, I promise.

Lauren and Ben have a nice convo during their cocktail hour/dinner (although I've never actually seen these people eat?!) Lauren fawns over her dad and talks about how she loves the "simple things." Sure ya do.

Meanwhile, we cut back to the mansion AGAIN and the girls receive the group date card: Amanda, Haley, Jennifer, Shushanna, Leah, Amber, Lauren H, Olivia, Jami, Rachel, Lace, and Emily get the group date. This leaves JoJo, Caila, Becca, and Jubilee for a chance to get the one on one. Jubilee is VERY UP IN ARMS ABOUT IT.

Lauren and Ben are still talking about their families, which is nice. I mean, what else can people in forced social situations really talk about..? Ben opens up to Lauren about his dad's scary open heart surgery. Lauren tells Ben she wants to meet his family. He pretends this doesn't freak him out and gives her the date rose.

Then we get to witness the second awkward private concert of the season.
Oh, God.



kill me

So then the real fun starts: the group date. Ben can't wait to see what kind of "attitudes they bring to the table" LOL

He invites them on this group date which takes place at the LA Coliseum in which they will all be forced into participating in a soccer match. Leah says she is very excited because she "loves football...loves sports" YEAH, WE GET IT. YOU'RE SUCH A GUY'S GIRL.

Ben brings out Kelley O'Hara and Alex Morgan from the US Women's Soccer Team. MAH GIRLS.
I wonder if they have any opinions on this fuckery.
Alex Morgan pulls Ben aside and is like, "I'm surprised at how little foot skills they have" LOL. can Alex Morgan and Ben Higgins date? I think that would be better.

Meanwhile, back at Bachelor Mansion, another girl starts crying to JoJo...this time it's Jubilee. She is afraid she is not standing out, and that Ben is more attracted to the girls who are "always happy" and the "nice girls" I've got NEW FOR YA: they're being FAAAAKE. No one is always happy. That would be fucking weird.
In these situations, which most girls won't find themselves in, you HAVE to be fake. It's reality TV for the love of God. There is a difference between Television Reality and Actual Reality.
So put on your fake smile, and get that rose, because Ben is not going to know the "real you" until the cameras are turned off and you already have a ring on your finger...

Back to the group date, Papi Harrison walks out and throws mad shade saying how he's seeing some skills out here...and then some not so great skills. He informs everyone that they will be broken up into teams : WHAT A SHOCK.
And that the winning team gets to go to the after party with Ben. ooooh damn.
I swear there was this EXACT same date in Juan Pablo's season. But whatever. I'll  have to look back into the archive of this stupid fucking blog.

The teams are divided into the "Stars" team and the "Stripes" team. And for some reason Coach Alex Morgan thought it would be a good idea to put Lace in as Goalie..basically handing the first goal to the other team. The game is INTENSE, and little Twin #2, Emily is blocking goals left and right thus impressing Ben. Everyone is VERY stressed. Especially Olivia. Ben is amped up.



Then Rachel falls down, injuring herself. She gets back up and wants to continue playing. Olivia says she is going to "take advantage of this weakness" like a TRUE PSYCHO. Like the Soviets in Rocky.

I said it: Olivia is a communist.

And not the fun, socialist type that always has something to say at parties.

SHE IS THE DEVIL.

Which is why it sucks when her team takes the win. DAMN IT. The Stars team goes home, saddened.
So we move on to the group hang out on your a-typical rooftop bar.

Ben says he is looking forward to talking to all the girls, then is about to pull someone aside, I feel like it was either Leah or one of the Twins...but then Olivia is like, "Can I grab you real quick?"

Everyone vomits, Exorcist style.

I seriously hate her. She's so annoying to look at and listen to. HOWEVER. As much as I despise Olivia I think it was pretty shitty that the other girls started talking about her supposed "fake teeth" (LOL though), her non-cute toes, and bad breath...? (I'm not making that up) Jami goes right to Olivia and tells her what the other girls were saying about how she has nasty man toes. Olivia is perplexed, but lets it slide off of her shoulder like a girl who is used to being hated on.

If the only reason Bachelor Ben 2.0 shouldn't marry Olivia let it not be for her nasty toes, but for her disgusting personality.

Meanwhile, back a the mansion, Jubilee is thrilled to find out that she got the second one on one date card after all of her bitching and moaning earlier.

Amber is desperately thirsty for some Ben 2.0 time...and finally gets some time. Instead of using the time to get to know him, she just starts making out with him. Ben gives the date rose to her though, claiming that he is so glad he got more time to get to know her. When? Did they talk off camera, perhaps?
That's what I'm figuring.



Olivia is convinced in her mind that Ben is completely on the same page as her.
okay.

Jubilee prepares for her one on one date. The girls ask her how she's feeling and she says "I still can't believe he chose me!" and Shushanna, my favorite Russian, is like "I can see you just being so excited on the date!" and Jubilee gives her this, like, death stare. It's kind of comical. I don't know why my girl Shush had to say anything, but I also don't think it was offensive at all, so Jubilee needs to chiiiillllll.

Ben rolls, sits with the gals, who all laugh and are excited to see him. Everyone is excited except for Jubilee..even though it's her date. He goes "are you excited?" to her, to which she responds, "Eh, yeah not really...you're 20 minutes late...but whose counting?"
OOOOHHH. Putting Ben 2.0 on blast.



We hear a plane above and Ben is like "I think our ride is here!"
Another plane date?
I'm sorry. I mean a helicopter. BIG DIFF.
Jubilee says she is afraid of heights, and asks if anyone else would like to go on her date.
The other girls are ENTHRALLED by this statement. Ben is sweating.

They have a somewhat decent time in the heli then land at some spa. NICE.
They spend some time eating--FINALLY! I've been waiting for someone to put food in their mouth on this show for 15 years!!!
Jubilee does not love the caviar. Don't blame her. She tells Ben that she would prefer hot dogs--which is actually more genuine sounding than Lauren B saying earlier that she enjoys the simple things like watching her father do yard work.

After the caviar, they play some shuffle board then go into a hot tub. Ben loves hot tubs! I will invest in a hot tub if that means Ben will love me.

Jubilee tells Ben she is surprised that he is into black girls and he is very thrilled to tell her that he is then he starts blushing. She tells him that he doesn't laugh for real a lot, but laughs more uncomfortably usually. LOL. I feel sooo awkward. J tells Ben that he needs to chill out, which is a very confident thing to say...because no other girl has the balls to do that.

Unpopular opinion: I like Jubilee and Ben!
We'll see if I feel this way as the episode continues.

They go to their dinner hour with some drinks and Ben tells J that he really appreciates her realness and honesty, because he doesn't get that much from the other girls--which I agree with. Maybe J is a little rough around the edges and snooty but at least she's more honest with Ben. He asks her about her past and she opens up to him about losing her ENTIRE FAMILY.
holy shit!
Ben is shocked, but handles it well, by telling her that she is a strong woman and he appreciates that. EVERYTHING YOU'VE EVER BEEN THROUGH HAS LED TO THIS J: you being on the Bachelor?
No, you finding love. That's right, okay. Back on track.
He gives her the rose.
Because obviously.

The other girls are "very shocked" to see Jubilee is back, meaning she got the rose, and gets to stay another week. They talk mad shit about her--saying that they can't see Ben wanting to marry someone who can't get along with anyone else. (what?) Lauren H is like "Ben wants to marry someone who will drive the kids to soccer, and plan parties with the other moms"
WHAT?
First off, what makes you think you know Ben, bitch? Secondly, that's the shallowest shit I've ever heard. And third, why CAN'T Jubilee do those things? Because she isn't fake to this group of girls who all hate each other but won't admit it?



Fuck off.

COCKTAIL PARTY TIME!
Ben 2.0 walks in and drops some sad news that two close family friends passed away that morning.
:( poor Ben.
The girls all compete to see who can have the most genuine-looking reaction.
Ben just finishes speaking, and is not even able to get a word in when Olivia swoops in, of course, "can I steal you?"

We think she's going to try to one-up everyone by consoling Ben during this hard time, but instead she starts off, "I am not proud of my body from the waist down...I hate my legs. People have written blogs about my cankles."
Then she starts, like, tearing up? She sniffs back tears and says "I'm sorry...I'm just, trying to be strong all the time."
Then she says, "It's the scariest thing ever."
WHAT THE HELL, OLIVIA?
Like well know you're an evil queen...but that's so much.



Ben is not pleased.

Amanda steps in and comforts him, which is nice. Jubilee comforts him, too, by giving him a massage...thus pissing EVERY girl off.

Half of this show is made up of the dialogue: "I just want more time. She already had her time."
I swear.

Jami goes and interrupts the awkward rub down. Amber wants to take it upon herself to be the "voice of the people" and confront Jubilee. She goes outside to bring J inside to get attacked by the firing squad of bitches. Jubilee, instead, runs upstairs and locks herself in the bathroom. JoJo, who everyone has been crying to as of late, goes to check on her. J tells JoJo to leave her the "fuck alone!" and JoJo is all wide-eyed innocence "me? wait me? but I'm JoJo..."

Good stuff.
Casually, Ben is walking around the upstairs of Bachelor Mansion.
How convenient.

He goes to console her. Amber wants to make her intentions clear so she goes up their too and I'm dying. Amber brings up the comments Jubilee made about "does anyone else want this date?" from their date the day before. J starts crying. Everything is uncomfortable because BEN IS RIGHT THERE.

He wants to be very "considerate of everyone's emotions" and just "wants this to work."
It's not up to you, Ben. In some cases: yes, it is the Bachelor's fault...in this case the women are just absolutely insane.

Just when Ben thinks he's got a break, Lace pulls him aside for her time. UGH GOD SHOOT ME. She is visibly worked up, and Ben is drowning in the drama of multiple women.



Lace decides to play the "this isn't me" card and cries a lot, saying that she thinks going home might be better for her, because LIKE HER TATTOO SAYS "You Can't Truly Love Someone Else Until You Love Yourself"
dumb.
Awe, poor baby. Not even an hour ago she was talking shit about some other girl's feet. Glad she feels the need to change. We'll see.

Nothing like putting yourself through grueling and testing self esteem hindering situations on national television to make a person really think about life, ya know?

So she leaves. Ben is like "okay, peace out..probably was going to send you home tonight anyway."

Rose Ceremony Time..Thank God:

1- Lauren H. - damn it, I don't like her, judgey, sounded a little racist earlier in the episode..
2- Amanda - YAY!
3- Becca - forgot you were here, girl!
4- Haley - Twin
5- Emily - Other Twin
*surprised they're BOTH still here*
6- Rachel - you're only here because you injured your foot and stood out
7- Caila - Ohio
8- JoJo
9- Jennifer
10- Leah
*omg Olivia still doesn't have a rose for the first time in three weeks, man can that girl SWEAT*
**My father walks in at this point: "what's wrong with these girls? do they really care that much..? they're not that great looking...I wouldn't be giving them roses" shots fired by Ron!**
11- Olivia - NOOooooOOOOoooooO, I thought we might've had her, you guys...damn, another week with this bitch
**Dad: Why are their faces all red and sweaty? Is it real hot there or something?**

Sending Shushanna, my favorite Russian and Jami home.
Jami is really bitter about it, and says to "never trust humans"

Slow down, bitch. Take a pill.

Everyone needs to chill.



Losers of the night:
Lace - once again, you're a loser
Olivia - your crazy has really shown, you got the last rose, and your toes were shamed
Team Stars - sucks to suck
Amber - you came off pretty nasty tonight, not gonna lie, and somehow got a rose for no reason
Jojo - sorry you had to listen to all those bitches crying

Winners of the night:
The Twins - for both still being there even though they literally do nothing of interest
Lauren B - is clearly a front runner
Jubilee - I know a lot of people don't like her, but Ben does, and I have to appreciate that she's not super fake like everyone else
Amanda - she's just great, I love her!

Hot Tub Count:
3

Number of times I felt uncomfortable:
1,000

Number of times Olivia thought she and Ben had secret moments:
6

Until next time,



Kaitie
xo

Betchy Bachelor Monday: Bachelor Ben Week 2

Hello all!
Sorry for the delay. It's been a busy week.

I've got a lot of feelings about this week's episodes. Read ahead to learn more.



We start with all the gals together at the mansion, cheers-ing to Ben, and pretending to like one another. Meanwhile, we get a nice shot of Ben putting pants on over his little briefs in his hotel room. Could we just do two hours of this? That would be fine with me.

We get the ball rolling with the First Date card--a group date: Jackie, LB, Lauren H, Becca, Amber, Mandi, JoJo, Jubilee, Jennifer, and Lace pretend to be thrilled that they get to all hang out with Ben at the same time in a date-like format. Although, we all know these dates are fucked up on so many levels. Lace lets us all know that she excited to redeem herself. Yeah, Lace, really can't wait to see your Road to Redemption. I'm sure we're all going to immediately love you now.



Bachelor Ben 2.0 leads us to believe that he came up with this date. We're in "Bachelor High" where Ben wants to re-live his high school days, which he tells us were his best days. Yeah, we know, Ben, because those days weren't THAT long ago.

Papi Harrison takes the mic as "Professor Harrison" where he finally gets to live out some aspect of a dream of an acting career that was lost long ago when he signed his contract in blood with ABC Television.

The girls learn they will be put in teams of two, then will be participating in various "classes", in which at the end of each class one team will be eliminated. Ultimately, the winner will be Ben 2.0's "Homecoming Queen."

Sounds like fun.



Who the fuck comes up with these dates?

We start with a "science experiment" in which the first team to make Ben's volcano EXPLODE will go on. (side eye)
I'm not purposefully trying to make that an innuendo...that's literally what they said. Lace and Jubilee aren't doing well because Lace is having a hard time reading. She lets us know that she never really "did well" in school. Huh!
Imagine that.
Jubilee and Lace are cut from the first round. Jubilee is trying to stay positive, but inside wants to bury Lace's body somewhere deep where no one will find her.
Next is "lunch" where the girls must bob for the correct red apple and take it to their lunch tray successfully. Again, okay.

Then we move on to Geography. The women must find the state of Indiana (Ben's home state) and place it (correctly) on a map of the United States. I pour myself a cup of tea, ready to tear them apart.
Unsurprisingly, every single team got it wrong. I honestly don't think Indiana is that hard to find..? Is this just because I'm from Ohio? Maybe. The losing team--Becca and JoJo, were way off and put his state in Pennsylvania's spot.

That's gotta hurt.



Next, we have gym class. All they have to do is make a free throw. And oddly enough, this is like real school in which your gym grade is based upon your athletic ability. Ah, the horrific memories. (come on Kaitie, just one pull up..)

The final humiliation: the last two girls, our favorite Whack Job Dentist Mandi, and "I'm Baaack" Amber, must jump hurdles on a track in order to get one on one time with Ben. I'm sorry, I mean the title of Homecoming Queen.
Excellent.

Unfortunately, Mandi wins. Ben pretends to be excited about that.
The other girls are emotional wrecks, full of rage and jealousy.

Finally, this high school obstacle course is over, and we move on to the cocktail hour Starring Lace's Teeth. "I'm Baaack" Becca takes Ben 2.0 first and they have some sweet moments on some random basketball court on this rooftop club? Okay! Convenient.

Under the radar Jennifer gets some one on one time with Ben. He thanks her for their great conversation the other night at the first cocktail party. THEN THEN THEN...

FIRST KISS OF THE SEASON AWARD!
Nice work, Jennifer!



And then she returns to the gals, and they, of course, ask her if they kissed. To which she RESPONDS! Ugh, god. Way to put a target on your back.

Meanwhile, back at Bachelor Mansion: a date card arrives! Olivia is so excited that she screams with joy. AND PS DID ANYONE SEE HER MOUTH?? IT IS FUCKING HUGE. And terrifying!!!




Caila (from Ohio!) gets the one on one date card, and oh dear lord doesn't she look like Catherine from Sean's season!? In, like, a big way.

Now back to this group date. Lace is concerned that he is not noticing her, so she goes to take him away from Mandi (who is still wearing her Homecoming crown...) She wants him to see the "Good Girl" version of Lace. "He saw a side of me I didn't want him to see the other night..." Lace literally says.
LOL
Yeah, like your REAL side?
"Well, uh, I'm very happy you're here," he says. "I love it. I'm here for you!" she says, before gripping him with, what she thinks is, a bewitching eye stare.
And then, bam! Jubilee comes in right before Lace is about to go for the kiss.

American women everywhere jump off of their couches with delight.

Jubilee and Ben have a nice moment, then she moves in for the kiss. And how can he say no after she just opened up to him about her past?

Lace is PISSED AND SHE WANTS MORE TIME! (even though half of the other girls haven't talked to him) So then she gets into it with Jubilee, then she goes and steals time with him AGAIN. The other girls have HAD ENOUGH. JoJo gets sassy, but then gets the final laugh when Ben comes and takes her away individually for a nice romantic rooftop escapade. WHERE THEY ALSO KISS.
SUCK IT, LACE.

After one date, JoJo, says she has never felt this happy before in her life.
LOL
Okay, chill out, bitch.



Ben takes the time, at the end, to tell every girl how much he appreciates them. Then he gives the Date Rose to JoJo...and the others are, of course, angry. Especially Lace. She says "I know he appreciated me and our conversation, and we had such a good conversation..." (did you though? or was your aggressive questioning and eye rape a bit too much?) "...so I'm really upset I didn't get the rose..." AND NOW I MUST KILL.

Finally, this date is over.

Ben 2.0 comes into Bachelor Mansion to retrieve Caila. Papi Harrison informs them all that he's "called in a few friends" then fucking Kevin Hart and Ice Cube walk in.
LOL
 (Shameless Plug:**Go see Ride Along 2, in theaters everywhere, Friday!**)

Kevin and Ice take Ben aside and tell him that they've got a fun day in store. Kevin Hart is playing Kevin Hart.
The interviewer asks them what is the most romantic thing they've ever done for a woman. Ice Cube replies, "Um, I married one."
Good stuff. Gooood.

Ben tries to get to know Caila with two movie stars in the back seat. And it seems to be going well!?
They end the portion of the cheap date in the hot tub store. Kevin Hart wants them to test out a hot tub, so there's this whole gag with the three of them in the hot tub, Kevin farts, they laugh, he stands up with no swim trunks on, butt naked. Ice Cube tells Kevin it is definitely time to go and give these two lovebirds some alone time.

Oh, how I chuckle!



Meanwhile, another date card arrives at Bachelor Mansion. Olivia's mouth is once again open and scaring me. Amanda, the single mom of two, talks about how much she misses her kids, and hopes this is all worth it, reminding us that she is a mother. Emily, Shoshanna, Sam, Olivia, Haley, and Amanda get the invite.

Back to the date!
Ben 2.0 sits down with Caila and asks her the rough questions about love and they really get INTO IT. Well, as INTO IT as you can get whilst being filmed for a date.
I'm not going to lie to you all, I really think they match well.
He obviously gives her the rose.

Afterwards, they walk around and go into this theater (CUE AWKWARD MUSICAL PERFORMANCE/DANCE NUMBER)




Neither of them can stop smiling and it's almost TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE, you know?

Thus, we begin the group date. Olivia is excited...her mouth is of course, open.

They walk into this place called the "love lab" which is alarming. There are robots, and people in lab coats who supposedly can tell if people are matches or not?

Who knows.
But I'm not surprised this is a Bachelor date.
First, the girls must look at various pictures. I'm not sure what that does, but fine. Next, they must run on treadmills, then Ben puts a blindfold on and smells their sweaty bodies. Again, very casual.
Also, can we talk about how the descriptors under Haley and Emily's names are "Twin" like that is their only profession.
So Ben's sniffing their bodies with his blindfold on and to everyone he is like "ooh flowery...beachy...etc." but when he gets to Sam he's like "hmm...a little sour"

DAMN SHOTS FIRED.
Olivia chuckles to the side, "I guess he didn't like the way you smell. Bummer."
She is "very confident in their relationship"
WHAT RELATIONSHIP?
He gave you the FIR...that's it...calm down.
They go into this heat radiating room or something? They have to sit on a bed together and like pretend like they're about to fuck..? But not? I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T GET THIS.
Someone went to school for this?

This might be the most uncomfortable date I have actually ever seen.

The doctor reveals the highest and lowest score--annoyingly enough, Olivia gets the highest compatibility score, and Sam gets the lowest (must've been the sour smell)




They move on to the cocktail hour portion of the evening. Ben takes Olivia away first (TO HIS ROOM?!) and I vomit. I'm sorry if you like her, but she is SO ANNOYING!

Ben apologizes to Sam for calling her smell "sour" so he re-smells her and redeems himself by saying "passionfruit" AKA "SOUR AF"
Amanda is very concerned about talking to Ben and making sure that he knows she has two daughters. I'm not going to lie to you all. Although, she has a high pitched voice, I like her!
Ben is so cute, too. I can see them matching so well together, as well.
He assures her that kids don't scare him and that he can't wait to start a family...and THEN THEY KISS.

Then he gives the FUCKING ROSE to FUCKING OLIVIA.



I HATE EVERYTHINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGG.

Come on, Ben!

"I don't know what Rose Ceremonies are really. Olivia Higgins...it's mine...come on, let's just end the show now!" she says in her interview.

I wish Ben could see that.

And then Amanda feels upset.

I HATE YOU OLIVIA AND YOUR, BIG, STUPID MOUTH.



Ben assures the girls that didn't get any date time that he hasn't forgotten about them. Olivia doesn't care. Despite having a rose, she wants to have more time. She tells us that "having a rose is never a guarantee of a having a connection" even though on her date she was talking all kinds of smack saying they should end the show now and shit.

Then she sits back with the girls and is like "Well, I had my time. So now you girls can have at it."
And everyone is just like
"Gee, thanks, C U Next Tuesday."



Lace is freaking out, of course, and pulls Olivia aside. Olivia is like "just because I have this rose means nothing!" as she clutches the rose to her chest all night. She then goes to Ben and tells him that she used to be an ugly freak.  ALL SHE WANTS IT TIME. AND ANOTHER GLASS OF PINOT.

Like, is this girl always drunk?
I can't even understand what she's saying.

Ben gives Lauren B., the first girl out of the limo last week, who also did not get a date this episode, a picture of them meeting. WHICH IS CUTE AF. Ben really, really likes her. I've never seen anything like that in my life as a Bachelor "fan" (using the term "fan" loosely)

Then OMG THEN....he pulls Amanda aside and has these like, little hair clip things, he wants to make with her for Amanda's daughters. WHAT THE FUCK BEN?????????????????? I LOVE YOU SO MUCH PLEASE MARRY ME.



So sweet.
So so sweet.
I'm crying.

Maybe I am a fan of this show...?
No.

Let's get started with my favorite part: The Rose Ceremony. And let's get this blog finished.

1- Amanda - The mom. GOOD. You better.
2- Jubilee  - The veteran. OK GOOD.
3- Lauren B. - YUP, MAKES SENSE.
4- Lea - "I'm such a guy's girl, let me hike up my dress and throw you this football"
5- Becca - "I'm BAAACK, BITCHES"
6- Rachel - I don't even know who this is?
7- Lace - OH GOD WHY....
8- LB - *LB has been talking about how much pressure this is, and how it's lowering her self esteem, etc in the background interview of this entire ceremony...suddenly, she's having some sort of moral qualm with the show*
She pulls Ben aside and tells him she is going to go home, this just ISN'T her scene.
Ben is fine with it since they barely talked anyway. He tells the girls that he wants to make sure this is a "two way street" and he understands it's "not for everyone" then says "BUT now I can one of you REJECTS a rose when I wasn't going to!"
so anyways.
8- Jennifer - THE FIRST KISS
9- Emily - Twin.
10- Jaimi- ? no idea
11- Lauren H. - teacher, I think?
12- Shushanna - Russian who loves vodka (same)
13- Haley - Twin.
DRAMATIC MUSIC...FINAL ROSE..
14- Amber - "She's BACK TOO!"

Thus sending home Sam the Lawyer (don't worry, you'll do better things..), Jackie?, and Mandi (THANK GOD)



So I guess Ben believes in the science of love and the power of a sour scent.

Losers of the night:
Sam - a season hopeful's time was cut short because she smelled
Lace - you sound like a psychopath
Mandi - goes to show being the Homecoming Queen doesn't always mean a promising future

Winners of the night:
Amanda- shines as a new front runner
Jennifer - nabs the first kiss of the season
Caila - first one on one date, I mean come on, she's obviously a winner.
Kevin Hart and Ice Cube - more people will have seen you on this episode of the Bachelor than they will in Ride Along 2, so enjoy that.

Brow games that were strong:
maybe 6

Number of times I felt uncomfortable:
maybe 600

Number of times Olivia's mouth was open:
30




Until next week,

Kaitie



xo

Betchy Bachelor Monday: Bachelor Ben Week 1

This is a ho friendly blog.

Hi everyone.
Sorry I've been gone so long. I just didn't watch The Bachelorette...based upon some principles I guess I have? IDK, if you want to get into it, message me.



I hope everyone is having a nice 2016 and haven't fucked it up for themselves yet (day 4)

Tonight I'm not drinking wine but favoring the HOT COCOA. Don't worry everyone, it's still super lit here.
Let's begin.



I'm already a fan of Bachelor Ben Biggins because I've always honestly seen myself with a 'Ben' personally. Ben is a great name. NOT to be confused with Bachelor Ben the First (yikes).



We'll call the new and improved Bachelor Ben, Bachelor Ben 2.0.




Ben 2.0 is from Warsaw, Indiana..small town guy..never seen that one before! He loves basketball like the Hoosier he is. He also works in software development (SNORE) He looks like every guy in high school that I had a crush on and really thought we had a connection but he actually thought my name was "Melissa" or something.

Bachelor Ben 2.0 says he has "come close" to finding a person he wants to spend the rest of his life with but they REJECTED HIM?! What an IDIOT! LUCKY FOR US, AMERICA.

 

Ben tells us he is super nervous to start dating 25 women as he casually leans against a tree on his land. Pro Tip, Bachelor Ben 2.0:
Every bachelor that has said that has been absolutely fine with dating 25 women, I promise.

Three of America's favorite Bachelors come in to give Ben 2.0 some advice..led by the marvelous Juan Pablo. JUST JOKING.
Good to see Sean Lowe, Farmer Chris, and that other "nice guy" bachelor.
They tell Ben to give everyone a "good experience" and to "not kiss a girl in front of all the others"
YEAH GOOD TIP.



Ben is cute and nervous and "knows there is someone out there for him"
which is so nice...but like, where is the shirtless shower scene..?

We are 20 minutes in and there is no shower scene. Not trying to sound pervey or anything, but come on.



We get to start meeting some of the women.
First we meet Lauren, playing with a beach ball alone on some beach in California. She's "so single and so sad."
Second, we meet Caila from Hudson, OH HOLLLLLA! SHE'S SO CUTE AND FROM OHIO, I HAVE A FAVORITE. She tell us she basically broke up with her boyfriend to come on this show, so that's nice.
Next we meet Jubilee, the military gal, who is both beautiful and strong. She's ready to settle down and she's ready for love.
Then we meet Mandi, who lets us know that she embraces the "weird", she says "who wants to be like everyone else?" and then tells us that she is a dentist.
Um, okay. That's a super thrilling job. Cool.
"Ben seems like he flosses but I'm going to have to do an oral exam"
OK, YOU SICK FREAK.



Next we meet Emily and Haley, the "twins" who will easily become everyone's least favorite characters on this show this season. They're just like roller blading and riding a two-person bicycle.
Amanda from The OC who sounds like a mouse. She has two very young little girls and she is 25. Like, she's been through a marriage, college, two children, and a divorce. WHAT HAVE I BEEN DOING WITH MY LIFE? I wanted to be on my first divorce by now.

Next we meet Tiara whose job description is "Chicken Enthusiast" which means "Unemployed"
If I were on this show would mine be "Sloth Enthusiast."
She casually admires her framed photographs of chickens, a framed photo of Ben sits amongst the chicken photos, as well..don't worry.
Between the kooky dentist, the annoying twins, and this chicken lady, I'm super scared of these freaks right now.
Then we meet Sam, an attorney from Florida. She shares her emotional story about her father--then directly after is like "but I can't wait to be the future Mrs. Higgins!", but otherwise seems like a very smart, down to earth gal.

IT'S ALMOST LIMO TIME, MY FRIENDS.
PAPI CHRIS HARRISON IS LOOKING FIIIINE.



Seriously, does this man ever AGE? HE COULD GET IT.

Bachelor Ben 2.0 lets us know that although he is only 26, he is READY FOR LOVE. Which actually seems to be the age any decent guy I know decides they want to settle down (just not with me) ((it's fine)) (((not bitter)))



The First Girl out is Lauren, the flight attendant girl who was playing with a ball on the beach earlier. She's charming and cute, and Ben is very excited.
Second girl out is Caila from Ohio who decides it's a good idea to LEAP into his arms. I mean, he could've fallen over, there has to be some sort of liability here?! Where's that attorney at?
Jennifer, a small business owner who forgets to give her name...VERY CHARMING.
Next out is Jami, who is from Canada and knows Justin Bieber and Caitlyn. She tells him that Caitlyn told her that he has a really, really, really big.....heart.



Sam, the attorney, says that this is the best week of her life because she gets to meet him and also JUST PASSED THE BAR! Woo! you go girl. At least you have a future after this. And you'll probably make more money than he ever will..
Jubilee, the War Vet, comes out of the first limo and is very pretty and charming and attempts a lame pick up line and they both chuckle.
Amanda, the single mom from The OC, comes out next and I have a feeling she'll go far.
This bitch named Lace comes out and gives Ben a kiss, saying she wanted the "first kiss." Ben blushes. She can't go by Lacey? Please help me.
Lauren R. is a math teacher (yuck) who admits that she's been stalking Ben. She then tells him to come find her later because she has a "special surprise" for him. Okay, put away your Kylie Jenner lip kit, Lauren R. and calm down. Also, she forgets to tell him her name...not once, but twice...even after he asks. AWKWARD TIMES.
Shushanna comes out not speaking English and I am unsure of her ethnicity but Ben seems very excited to talk later...and I'm sure he is hoping in his language.

The second limo pulls up.
Thank God, because this is starting to get too awkward for me and I'm ready for fresh material.
First girl out is Leah, an event planner, who wants to play a round of touch football, bending her ass over right in front of him. He's thrilled, I'm sure.
Some bitch comes out wearing a unicorn mask which is both scary and bizarre. Her name is Joelle, but apparently goes by "JoJo." He seems supportive of the unicorn fetish!
Next, is Lauren H. a kindergarten teacher...does your name have to be Lauren to be a teacher? She tells him
Laura, "but-my-friends-call-me-red-velvet", a ginger, comes out and we think she's fine and nice, then she says the 'red velvet' thing and really scares me.
Mandi, the weird ass dentist puts some floral monstrosity on the top of her head and continues to instill fear in our hearts. Ben is trying to be cool, but she continues the charade, saying she "picked this out of her garden" and "she's the first impression rose" and "maybe you can pollinate me later"



Honest to god am mad she stole my pollination pick up line.
Damn you, Mandi!

As if things weren't FREAKY enough the fucking TWINS come out to make it weird again.
"Uh...group hug...?" Ben asks.
How cute is he?
They literally are the same. Like they could trade dresses and he would never ever really know?
They tell him that they can't wait to date him?
Like, does he just have two halves of one rose for them or something. I guess this isn't any weirder than trying to have two bachelorettes last season AMIRIGHT?
"But-My-Friends-Call-Me-Red-Velvet" was really nervous about seeing twins. Don't blame her.

Maegan, an actual, real life cowgirl, approaches with a miniature horse that she found on the streets of Los Angeles. She then proceeds to bring the fucking horse into the house. I'm sure that's animal abuse! Why subject this poor animal to all of these bitchy women?? I hope he shits on one of their dresses.
Breanne comes up with a picnic basket of bread which she then destroys because she 'HATES GLUTEN' and is some nutritionist. OK, as someone who is a huge fan of gluten, HOW DARE YOU waste food like that? WHAT KIND OF MONSTER ARE YOU, BITCH?
This kook in a pajama onesie named Izzy walks in. Now, I am personally a huge fan of onesies. However, time and place my friend, time and place.



Rachel: Unemployed rolls up on one of those electronic scooter things. Like, honestly, who is surprised?
A very pretty accountant named Jessica comes out and gives Ben 2.0 a nice, big hug. She looks like the girl in high school that definitely got voted "Best Hair"

Tiara, our favorite (an maybe only) Chicken Enthusiast comes up and tries to act normal, but all she is really thinking about is how much she misses her chickens.
Relatable.
Lauren "LB" walks up, nervously laughs, and is excited to be here.
A gal named Jackie comes up to Ben, verrrrry excited, "Is this even real right now?!" hands him a pre-made save-the-date with a #ToHigginsAndToHold on it...which is both cute and just enough ca-reepy.

Then my DVR malfunctioned so I didn't meet the last few girls.

((Although I found out later that the girl's name was Olivia and Ben really likes her, and she has great eyebrows))

Skip ahead to Ben meet and greeting with the ladies.
Mandi, like every fucking dentist ever, decides this is a good time to tell Bachelor Ben he needs to floss...
Unicorn girl plays some pictionary to get to know Ben.
Caila from Ohio and Ben bond over their passion for software development..
Everything is going great.




OH WAIT.
WHAT'S THIS?
A surprise limo!

And who is in this limo, you ask?
Everyone's actual favorite, Becca. And then the neutral good Amber...both from last season with Bachelor Chris.
Papi Harrison is happy to see them, and SO AM I! I love a little shit-stirring myself.
Plus, Becca is #goals because she might actually be perfect looking. Do I have a girl crush? Yes.

They walk in and all of the girls, especially that bitch y'all love to hate "Lace", ARE NOT FUCKING PLEASED.



"Lace" is getting shit faced. I mean we've all had a little too much Pinot, right?
But she takes it to another level.
She's really torn up about Becca and Amber. She decides to interrupt my instant fave, Jubilee... -_-
Ben wants to take time to talk, but all Lace wants to do is talk about making out.
The crazy dentist comes and interrupts Lace...and so then Lace decides to start crying. Looks like another case of "I'm-used-to-being-the-prettiest-girl-in-the-room!"
Quick cut to the mini-horse ((appreciate))

Ben finds Lace and tells her that she needs to slow her roll and stop begging for a kiss...thirsty gal, but that he appreciates her as a woman and wants to get to know her. UGH, BEN...you're too nice, man...
You don't even know, BEN, you don't even KNOW what we're seeing!

Papi H brings in the coveted FIR (First Impression Rose) and the women turn into rabid dogs, frothing at the mouth like me the hour before Thanksgiving dinner is served.  



you guys, I really hate the dentist. She needs to shut the fuck up. Between her and Lace, I am getting a migraine.

Ben says "I may be the Bachelor, but I am way out of my league..and I hope they don't figure that out.."
AWWWWE, BEN! That is actually, really, really cute of him. I don't think anyone has ever said that on this show!

He also says that he thinks every girl deserves the FIR..which is ridiculous, and untrue...but God Bless him.

Ben 2.0 decides to the give the FIR to Olivia, who apparently left her job for him, and they had an 'amazing' conversation. I didn't see this part because of DVR. Olivia says "I deserve this. I'm really humble."

Right. Yeah. So humble.
She does have good eyebrows though, so..

the other girls freak out with jealousy and anger.



Papi H comes in in his pinstripe suit and is ready to fuck shit up.
Lace is upset because during his toast-speech-generic thing, Ben doesn't "look her in the eye even ONCE" and she's VERY HURT. "I juss don want him to forget about me in the lil rose ceRmony" she drunkenly slurs.
This girl has got to go. I can't deal with a season of this.

Everyone knows now to drink too much on the first night. EVERYONE. Like, hold your liquor, bitch!
COME ON.

Thankfully we get to the "tough part" aka my favorite part: The Rose Ceremony.

Bachelor Ben 2.0 is very "humble" and thankful to all of the girls for being there.

That's nice, honey.



Order of the Roses
1- Lauren B. - flight attendant, first out of the first limo
2- "LB" - kind of under the radar, shorty, with a high pitched voice
3- Caila - OHIIIO, software developer, leapt into his arms
4- Amber - "I'M BACK BITCHES"
5- Jami - the girl who knows Kaitlyn...
6- Jennifer - small business owner, a few nice moments with Ben
7- Jubilee - military gal, good connection with Ben
8- Amanda - single mom from the OC, high pitched voice, good ombre
9- JoJo - unicorn fetish
10- Leah - "I'm a guy's girl!" football girl
11- Rachel - unemployed on that fucking scooter...
12- Samantha - just passed the bar!!, emotional dad story, seems nice
13- Jackie - kind of under the radar, gave him the 'save-the-date'
14- Haley - Twin #1
15- Emily - Twin #2
16- Shushonna - mail order bride (sorry to my Russian fans... I love you all)
17- Lauren H. - kindergarten teacher
18- Becca - MY GIRL! THE COOL VIRGIN!
19- Mandi - WHAT THE FUCK, BEN?! Creepy Dentist girl.
((really intense music begins))
(((Lace is sooo pissed..."Who wants a fucking virgin?!" she shouts in her interview..umm ok, no need to be nasty. You want to be nasty, I can get nasty... you snaggle toothed mess. Don't insult my girl, Becca)))
20- LACE?!?! - "LOOK ME IN THE EYEEEE I WANNN MAH PINOT GRIGIIIOOO"

All the girls who leave are absolutely devastated. One girl started crying. I can never fathom that. Like, did they just have too much to drink? Are they really just that upset..?
Unfortunately, the cow girl and the Chicken Enthusiast did NOT make it.
Lace takes it upon herself to pull Ben aside and confront him about "not making eye-contact" with her. She is so upset, and wants to figure out this issue together, as a couple.
"You didn't look at me...ONCE. I watched you. Trust me."
Okay...
See what you've done, Ben. Do you see?

Have fun with that.

Alright. Time for some top picks.



My Season Hopefuls:
Lauren B. had something that I think Ben 2.0 really liked. She was the first one out of the limo, and she was also the first person we met in the intros. The show WANTS us to like her. It's working! He has a bit of a connection with her, it seems.
Caila although coming out a little strong with the "leap into his arms" they have a lot in common. She's got the American Girl Doll vibe, and they're both from similar parts of the country. Plus, gotta rep my Ohio girl.
Jennifer flew under the radar in a major way this episode. But I don't want to discount her. They had a really nice one-on-one moment/conversation in the driveway randomly. I would like to see them get to know each other better! I think she's got a real shot.
Jubilee stood out tonight. She was funny, charming, and her and Ben really seemed to hit it off. I think they have potential!
I also think Amanda (single mom), JoJo (unicorn), Becca, and Olivia will go far! Olivia got the FIR, which is a big deal...but she seems like she's going to be a shit-starter...and I don't think Ben is going to be into that. I don't think these girls will make it to the final four, but I could be wrong. It wouldn't be the first time.
I also think at least one of the twins might have a chance, and also new attorney, Samantha.

Losers of the night:
Lace - just stfu
"My-Friends-Call-Me-Velvet" -  "I guess he just doesn't like red-heads"
Chickens
Bronzer

Winners of the night:
Olivia for getting the FIR
Mandi for wearing a giant rose hat, giving him a dental exam, and still getting a rose...
Pinstripes (I'm looking at you, Papi H)

Brow games that were strong:
12

Number of times I felt uncomfortable:
How many seconds are in 2 hours...?

Amount of moments it took for me to fall in love with Ben 2.0:
3

Until next week,



Kaitie
xo