Betchy Bachelor Monday: Part IV

Time to get betchy with it.

Episode #4 starts off as usual: me with a glass of wine, Chris Harrison updating us all that Sean is looking for a wife (in a disgusting purple shirt), and Sean without a shirt at all, working out in his one pair of blue shorts.


"Another day being me...damn it's rough."

They waste no time getting Sean shirtless, just as they waste no time getting the first date card out and the episode starts getting real and ready. Bachelor Sean picks Selma, who is definitely the most naturally beautiful girl there.

Leslie then begins to cry like a weirdo, so that happens again..



So Selma finally catches on to all of these other bitch's dates...all of which have been entirely too athletic for my liking...and wears workout clothes and little to no makeup. For that, I say: Kudos Selma. We love you.

                                                                 

Casually being Selma

Selma is an actual person and Sean takes her on this private jet, making her think the date will be classy and amazing...but oh, no. Sean continues to make everyone uncomfortable and takes Selma to the DESERT. If he took Amanda, I'm almost positive her hair would've been out of control, so this is a good thing.

                                                              

There's some useless commentary as usual in which Sean talks about how he wants a wife and Selma talks about finding her prince charming. Just some blah blah bull shit. Sean drives them off in this yellow Jeep, making us all eat his dust.

Sean once again tells us how he's "an outdoorsy guy" like we didn't already fucking guess that.

Then Sean's says, "Alright, Selma, we're going to climb Pride Rock" and the lovable, city-girl Selma, like myself, basically says "fuck no". But, of course, she doesn't.
So they start climbing and of course, Sean takes up the rear to get a good view. Selma is leading the way, A PERSON WHO HAS NEVER CLIMBED BEFORE AND RARELY WEARS ATHLETIC SHOES. (a girl of my own heart)

I begin to realize this is actually theh beginning of 127 Hours and soon Sean will fall and Selma will have to cut off her own arm. Making it weird.

                                       

"GET ME OFF THIS DATE"

Sean tells her (Direct Quote): "Your form looks unbelievable" as he lecherously stares at her ass. Then he says, "That helmet looks cute on you"...then, "I have a boner" and Selma must be concerned with not only falling, the fear of maybe having to cut her own arm off, but now Sean forcing himself on her on the side of Pride Rock!

                                                  

Sean thinks he's Simba

LIKE, WHAT IS HAPPENING.

So they finally get the top and spend about 6 seconds staring off into the distance before Sean goes, "alright let's go get dinner" then they cut to a commercial break and we don't even get to see the best part...them getting down from the cliff.

Anyways.

The boring part of the night commences and Sean wraps Selma around himself as they drink champagne. Selma looks like, at any moment, she could fall asleep.

To which Sean says, "You fall hard, I can tell"



WHAT?!
If that were me, I'd sit my ass up, give him my betch look and go, "Excuse me? STFU."
Sean is easily the most unnatural person in the world and so cheesy/corny/and cocky. I actually can no longer believe anything about this show.

Selma tells Sean she doesn't believe in kissing on national TV, which is interesting to say the least...
-__-

Sean then proceeds to GET EVEN CREEPIER and keeps kissinng the top of her head and rubbing her arm/leg like a creepy, single ex-high school teacher you'd see at the bar when you go back home for visits.
Needless to say, he gives her the rose.

We go to commercial break and ask what happens if he says he loves them, to which all four of my Bachelor Spirit Guides guffaw, "He NEVER is allowed to say it."
To which I say, "They're not ALLOWED to say 'I love you'?"
"That's exactly right, the girls are allowed to say it, but he's not."
I mean, honestly, I don't think anyone should be saying it becaue it's completely ludicrous to tell someone you love them in this type of situation!

Alright, so next the group date card-invite comes and of course, it's more sports...further proving I wouldn't fit in on a show like this. (can't they just go out drinking or something?)

So the girls go to their down and dirty date and find out it's a freaking roller derby which is the most intense female sport I know of besides figure skating and competitive cheerleading. It's so betchy, I cannot handle. Sean, once again, divides them into teams and makes them compete for his affections. We also learn that he not only requires his girls to be adventurous, good at taking practical jokes, able to break world records with him, and playing competitive "volleyball" (if you can call what they were doing a sport..), but they also have to be sassy roller skating girls now?!
What...a...nightmare.



He says, "Amanda and Tierra (I'm spelling it right this week!!) will be the toughest, I can feel," to which I say...UM YEAH BECAUSE THEY'RE BOTH CLINICALLY PSYCHOTIC. Those women would jump at the chance to side swipe/elbow attack another woman.

Robyn, the girl who fell on her ass in front of Sean when she first walked out of the limo, of course is super uncoordinated and hanging onto the sidebar. I had harsh flashbacks to gradeschool when my mom forced me to go to my friend's birthday parties at the RollerEna and I would just skate on the carpet while holding onto the wall while I watched all of the other girls do fun moves and stuff to songs like "Spice Up Your Life".



Meanwhile, poor Sarah is struggling. I love Sarah. She and AshLee with a big L, seem like the only two genuinely okay people on the show. Sarah is having a hard time keeping balance and skating considering she only has one arm. WHY THE FUCK WOULD SEAN PICK HER TO GO ON THIS DATE??? WHAT IS HIS PROBLEM!?
Like, come on...
So anyways, she begins crying and when she cries, I cry, so that's problematic considering I don't actually know her. AshLee talks to Sarah while the other girls "practice".
Sean goes over and tells Sarah he believes in her or some bull shit like that.
Spirit-Guide Rebekah comments: "If that were Tierra, he'd be caressing her leg creepily," which is just so true.

While practicing, Amanda accidentally puts a hex aimed towards Lindsey on herself and falls chin first on the floor. I don't feel bad for her at all though because she was acting like this roller derby professional. Just because you're a witch, doesn't mean you can acquire athletic talent. She hurts her jaw, to which I say: "How can you hurt that monster, witch jaw???" Seriously, her mouth is huge.

                                                 

Sean decides this is getting too serious so he just makes it a "free skate" which is also my worst nightmare. After they skate around like 10 year olds, Sean takes them clubbing in some purple building. Things get weird on the rooftop.

Lindsey reaches her full desperation point, even though I thought she reached it weeks ago...and puts on a bikini to go hot tubbing.

Meanwhile, Tierra goes completely bonkers and bitches out all the girls, including AshLee and Robyn who are basically innocent bystanders. She goes off, "crying", to Sean. Creepily hunched in a corner, she waits for him to come out. When he does, she monopolizes all the time, continues to obsess over their time together, then expresses her "Fears and Concerns" about the other girls. Instead of kicking her ass to the curb like he did to Kacie when she did the exact same thing, Sean proceeds to give Tierra the fucking rose. Tierra gives this evil grin right into the camera and I am absolutely obsessed with her game skills.



 

She just loves roses so much.
They're her favorite flower.

 "I'M HERE FOR A ROSE."

Not to mention she's dressed like a cheap cocktail waitress.

They start kissing in the dark for a solid minute, to which no one can see anything and I feel like this is Zero Dark Thirty or something.

Amanda, the witch gets some alone time with Sean after her incident and shoves her chin in his face, telling him about her struggle. He basically looks at her and says, "I can't see shit..." then she goes, "no look, closer! feel this!"
So Sean looks closer at the chin, "oh yeah..I do see a bump..."
That's not a bump.
It's a boil.
She is a witch.



Finally, that stupid date ends.

Next one-on-one date goes to crying, Poker Dealer, Leslie, who is suddenly very pleased. With her invite card, she also gets a set of diamond earrings which I think is extremely weird. As soon as she opened the box, Bachelor Spirit Guide Haley says, "there is no way he's giving her a rose...she's going home."
Sean picks Leslie up and it becomes very clear they are the worst match ever. She's like a foot taller than him, first of all, and secondly, he just is clearly not into her.

He takes her to Rodeo Drive and lets her shop around for ugly clothes. Sean and Leslie both reference Pretty Woman frequently...which I'm pretty sure is kind of insulting.



Does Leslie not realize she is being compared to a cheap hooker? All Julia Roberts aside, at the end of the day, she was a hooker.

 <-- And she will be, too, in about 11 years.

So Sean acts like a sugar daddy and lets Leslie pick out this hideous bridesmaid dress basically. Then they go into Neil Lane and she picks out this $1 million dollar necklace or something which looks like Jasmine's necklace in Aladin and doesn't match her dress at all. Maybe if he went to Kay, he could've gotten a kiss.

After spending what could be 2.5 mil on the hooker, Sean takes Leslie to dinner in some warehouse. The first thing he asks her is to tell him about all of her past relationships. (what a fucking nightmare..) She continues to horse laugh and be annoying.

He ends the date by telling her that he can't give her a rose, after she spilled her entire romantic woes to him about her past relationships/parent's divorce.
Seriously, Sean, you are the definition of a prick.

He sends her home, but not before awkwardly taking off the necklace worth millions...which is uncomfortable for all.

Then Sean goes back into the restaurant alone, acting like he's all sad and depressed about it even though Leslie was basically irrelevant the entire time...while some weirdo guy is playing guitar in the corner. It's all getting very weird for me. But, wait, things get stranger, Sean drops the rose poetically onto an air shaft. The petals fall off in an epic way and they cut to commercial.

BOOM.

SO SYMBOLIC...

Alright. The climax of the night...the cocktail, pre-rose party. Robyn gets awkward as usual and asks Sean if he wants the chocolate.
ooOOOOoooh!...my.

Meanwhile, Tierra is up to her own tricks. She takes Robyn and Jackie (who the fuck is Jackie, right?) aside and "apologizes" to them, then demands that they also apologize to her. At this point...we're all just so exhausted from Tierra.

Catherine, another irrelevant, comes out of nowhere like the Tazmanian Devil and forces herself on Sean with her little nose stud, and is all, "here take this note from my thigh!" proceeding to let him take a piece of paper with lip marks on it. (little does Sean know that those lip marks are actually Chris Harrison's)

ROSE CEREMONY...HERE WE GO. wooooo!!!!




Catherine gets the first rose because Sean literally still  had her saliva taste in his mouth. He continues to hand out roses left and right, leaving Daniella and Amanda till the end.

My spirit guides and I are so sure Amanda is going to get it.

We're like "PEACE OUT DANIELLA AND YOUR DUCK FACE!" (seriously, everytime the camera cuts to her, her lips are quirked to the side).




But no.

Sean gives the rose to Daniella (who surprisingly still exists)--who I think is more shocked than anyone. As she should be. I don't think she even talks to Sean...? She's literally there for sassy commentary and duck faces.

So Amanda leaves and we're like "BETCH, BYEEEE!"

They show Amanda leave in her emotional flapper outfit. Her hexes didn't work apparently, and Sean has told her to hit the road.

The girls later discover that Amanda, indeed, left her veneers behind.

The episode ends with an outtake of Sean completely losing his man card on his date with Selma as he cannot figure out how to drive the Jeep. Selma is laughing hysterically, as she should. She finally points out to him that the e-brake is on.

My 16 year old sister who just learned how to drive knows that, Sean.
Way....to....go.



Anyways, next week is a 2 night episode, and I just don't think I can take two nights in a row of heavily drinking like this...but I honestly need to to get through this dumb ass show.



The moral of the story tonight that I found alarming and troubling is this: both Amanda and Leslie talked about how they wish they had more time to basically "prove themselves" to Sean.

Um...hold on.

You should never, in life, have to prove yourself to any man.
Don't be a pathetic excuse for a woman.
Believe what you believe, show who you are, and if he doesn't like it...then fuck him.
Constantly trying to prove your worth to someone doesn't lead to love, it leads to a lie. And lies get messy, lots of webs, and all that stuff.

Just ask Manti Te'o.



Wait...
TE'O FOR THE NEXT BACHELOR.

Until next time,

Kaitie
xo
(P.S. I didn't proofread this and I'm kinda drunk, so don't judge, y'all)


Also....

Tierra <3's Doritos

Thank you Spirit Guide Emily for the photos!

Problematics: A Thursday Blog

Hello, all.

Tonight I'll be writing in the 'courier' font because I just feel like it. Also, I'm going to do my best not to curse in this blog. We shall see how long it lasts.

I just wanted to diverge away from The Bachelor for a night. I know, you're all very heartbroken.

I just want to talk about a few things I find troubling and see if I'm the only one.

Celeb Crushes Destroying Relationships

I'm not sure how I feel about this, which is perhaps why I'm writing about it. I just simply have not much reasoning on this one. What I find problematic about this is the following:
Women are allowed to talk about hot celebrity males as much as they want, BUT if the tables are turned and the boyfriend says how he thinks a female celebrity is hot, the girlfriend gets angry.
I'm not saying this is with all cases, but I find that it happens a lot.
Women can drool all over Channing Tatum, Bradley Cooper, Ryan Gosling, and in my case, Thorin the dwarf. Their boyfriends cannot say anything. All that happens is occassionally the man's jaw will tighten and he'll roll his eyes.
HOWEVER.
When a man is watching some irrelevant action movie and claims Jessica Biel is hot, the girlfriend becomes deeply offended.

"Really? Her? She's ugly!"
"Megan Fox looks like an old woman..."
"Carrie Underwood is so fake, how can you like her?"
"Yeah, she's pretty I guess, except for her yellow teeth."
"Rihanna is a whore. If you're into whores...then whatever, I guess."
or my favorite...
"Well, why don't you go date her then?" -storms off, slams door-

OBVIOUSLY nothing about any of these situations is realistc. None of us gals will ever get Mark Wahlberg (circa 1996) to fall in love with us, just like no guy is going to snag Emma Stone while getting a drink at BW3's on a Thursday night out with the 'dudes'.

I just want to know what the reason is for this. If anyone has an answer, let me know.

                              

"Would you have sex with her...WOULD YOU?"

The "I Want to Marry Rich" Girl

Now, before I begin I just want to state that although I consider myself a mindful and aware person, as well as a feminist, I just want to say that I am in no way "hating" on women who want to just marry rich and enjoy life easily. That's fine. At least these women admit that they have no career ambitions and just want to get married.
Fine! Do it!
If that is what empowers you, then I'm glad you found it.
However, in my experience...(NOT IN ANY WAY SAYING EVERY GIRL WHO SAYS THIS IS LIKE THIS) the girls who MOSTLY say this "I am just in college to meet a guy, I just want to marry rich and live happily/comfortably" (or something to this variation) are the same girls who go to college dive bars every weekend and end up going home and blowing some freshman frat guy.
Alright...
If you are trying to find a rich husband, my first piece of advice is to stop dating/fucking (woops, I swore.) people who are younger than you and in most cases people your own age.
You are going to need to up the ante and go to a bar where drinks are more than $3 each.
Also, you might need to invest in something classier than a zebra sparkle top you got off the Express clearance rack.
Then, you are going to have to accept the fact that you will have to most likely look for someone with a receding hairline or is at least 28-35 years old. With the exclusion of attractive doctors--they are not looking for serious relationships, they know they are attractive and will screw as many girls as they can before they reach past their prime.
Also, you're going to have to learn to talk about other things besides drinking, partying, your major, college classes, and whatever you read on E!Online, or your Gender Studies text book.
Once again, I am in no way condemning this idea of finding a rich husband. KUDOS to you. BUT, ladies, be smart about it. There is no time to be wasted...the clock is ticking. You'll be graduating soon and you won't want to have to look for a job.

                                              


Yoda

What is he? Species wise..? I need to know. Thanks.

                                                 

This is not Hugh Hefner. 

Delivery Fees

Are they tips? Does this $7 salad I just bought have to turn into an $11 one because of tip/delivery fee?

               

"Fuck it, here's a five."

Benches Without Backs

This seems cruel to me. How can I rest here? I might as well sit on the floor.

                                                  

Neck Scarves

Are we french? Is this 1962? Then I don't understand. Every time someone wears one of these, I just want to hand them a beret and a baguette.

                                                     

         


Ice Skating

Who thought of getting a steel blade, attaching it to a shoe, then trying to balance on frozen water and do twirls originally?
For the record, I am a freak and unAmerican and do not find ice-skating fun or pleasing. Feeling the cold sweat, uncoordinated, and like at any moment I can lose all control over my body is not something I am fond of. Like my worst sexual nightmare.
Then the whole ankle sore thing afterwards and how many people have used those rental skates with their sweaty sock feet..?
I just...I can't.
Does anyone else feel this way about ice skating or am I alone? I feel alone so often.

                                                 

Loud Talking Nerds

I'd like to state for the record that I consider myself pretty nerdy, but in like an "awkward-I-like-Harry-Potter-and-quote-Tolkien-daily" kind of nerd. Not the kind that will scream-argue with someone about Norse gods at a bus stop...in public, with various people around.
Have you ever noticed how some of the nerdiest people are also some of the loudest and most obnoxious?
And it wouldn't be so bad if they were nice people.
For example, I say how I only like plot-centered video games as opposed to ones where zombies come out and kill me (I don't like being surprised) and I get this judgemental smirk from Super-Dork over here like "So you've never played Halo?" in the most judgemental tone. Or when I ask someone whether they'd choose Batman or Wolverine first to save them and they get all condescending and say something like, "Well they're completely different realms of heroes..."
Or my favorite is trying to give my Skyrim character cute hair and my sister rolls her eyes, asking if I will ever stop designing characters and just play already.
Then I feel like I just don't belong.
I'm not cool enough.
But I'm not cool enough for cool people either.
I don't fit in anywhere.
Here I am...blogging about my sad life...

Loud Mean Super Dork:

Me:



Forever 21's Return Policy

I hate it and I just want it to change. Who wants to riot with me?



Hashtagging Everything

Hashtagging in general I find very strange. When people hashtag completely irrelevant things is when I get very confused.
Like:
"Single and ready to mingle! #lovingit #idontneedyou #yourpeniswassmallanyways #drunk"
or:
"Working out #legday #toomanywaffleslastnight #protein #pumped"
or:
"Having a lazy day, here is a pic of my slippers http://instagram #lounging #relaxation #nofilter" (why would you NEED to filter your slippers? I thought we only filtered our disgusting pale faces to make us look tanner..?)
or:
"It's snowing! #babyitscoldoutside #cuddlingweather #hotcocoa #winterwonderland"

JUST STOP. I DON'T GET IT.



Claire Danes' Facial Expressions

How does she do it?



People who Shipped Rachel/Joey

What..? #rachelandross4eva



Wax Lips/Bottles

I just don't feel comfortable consuming these..



Justin Bieber

What is he? Species wise..? I need to know. Thanks.



That's all for tonight.

Hope you liked, if not...well, get over yourself.

Until next time (Bachelor Monday),

Kaitie
xo

Also....

Some wise words from Justin Bobby

Betchy Bachelor Monday: Part III

Hey ya'll!

Hope everyone had a splendid long weekend thanks to the incredible Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

As per usual, tonight will be dedicated to The Bachelor. For those of you who are mad that I haven't written about anything else--DON'T WORRY! I'll have another blog up about something completely different later this week (hopefully).

So once again, if you don't like the Bachelor (I hate it, too) or find this blogging about it irritating/confusing, then don't read it because I promise you nothing in the blog tonight will be any different than what's been written before.

ALRIGHT HERE WE GO.

So in preparation for tonight's events, I not only drank a lot of pink wine, but I also pressed "info" on The Bachelor button to get a little preview. It says that tonight is the night that Sean makes a "revelation"--so obviously, this is when I became intrigued.

The episode starts off as all the others have thusfar and as I suspect the rest of them will start off. Sean without a shirt. Working out. In his blue shorts. To some dramatic sequence music as he blathers on about the hunt and quest for true love.
So we're all falling for the bull shit as usual.

Chris Harrison walks in and is all, "Alright ladies, shit is getting real" and informs them that there will be two one-on-one dates and one group date. All the girls cheer like this is exciting and I palm slap my own forehead. If I were picked for a group date, I'd refuse to go.

                      
 
Lesley gets chosen by Bachelor Sean for the first one on one date and everyone shits butterflies about it. Leslie H., meanwhile, is pissed because she thought maybe she'd be the Leslie that would be going on the date with Sean...but no.

So Lelsey puts on her cute as heck lace dress and Sean's all, "I'm going to take you on THE CREEPIEST DATE EVER" to the Guinness World Record Museum and Lelsey looks uncomfortable the entire time. I would be, too if some guy took me to a place where people's 31" toe nails were on display.

                                                 

Most spoons balanced on a man. Ever!

Sean gets annoying and is all "here's a pic of my dad who's been all over the country" because he's obsessed with his parents and then it cuts to him commentating and he literally says, "she's just so fun to interact with" and it makes me realize that these people just say the same thing over and over and over again but put different words in. He's already said that she's fun to talk to, so now he has to say "interact". I don't know. I found it annoying.

Since Lesley is SUPER comfortable walking around this freakshow museum, Sean decides that he's going to take their date to a new level and surprises Lesley by telling her they will be taking part in a mission to have the longest on-screen kiss ever. This is when I realize Sean's flaw: he wants to make every girl uncomfortable.

It finally makes sense. Jumping off of buildings, posing for romance novel covers, now this? I cannot.

So Sean and Lesley stand up on this platform and kiss for four minutes and we all have to watch and endure it. Chris Harrison is watching and is so pleased, the music is epic as hell, and I just can't help but think to myself: I just watched an episode of The Bachelor that MADE HISTORY. But not the good kind. Then I become very sad for our world and drink more wine.

                 

Then, as if making us all watch them suffocate one another with lips for four minutes isn't enough, we have to endure them drinking champagne annoyingly. Thus I learn that I actually don't even like the dating/"romance" part of the show. I just want to see the bitches fight. That's what it's all about anyways.

At the end of the date, they kiss (again) and a bunch of confetti is falling around them and I feel like I'm at the end of a Jonas Brothers concert. Bachelor Spirit Guide, Rebekah states to us "Why is there confetti falling down? Why is no one questioning this?" to which I giggle. Sean and Lesley have unrealistic expectations about dates now in which confetti will always fall when you kiss someone.

After the groundbreaking date with Lesley, Sean makes his group date pick in which he takes 12 girls to the beach.

Cool.

I've been on better dates in middle school.

12 girls on a group date and Sean's all "heh-heh" and I realize I actually hate him now for being so weird and annoying. He's too perfect, also meaning he's got major issues. I'm now starting to realize.

So all the girls are frolicking with Sean, playing in the waves in matching bathing suits. (I'm not actually joking about this--they are indeed wearing matching swim suits...) Bachelor Spirit Guide Emily points out that it is commendable that some of the girls actually kept their shorts on and did not bare all. To which, I agree.

The date is seemingly irrelevant and lame until Chris pops up in a metro pink button down and board shorts, casually, then says, "Alright ladies, time to play volleyball for Sean's heart'

Shit gets real.

The girls are split up into teams, and the winning team gets more alone time with Sean (once again, I wish I were kidding). The teams huddle together and shout enthusiastically, "FOR SEAN!" (not joking)

The girls all warm up and practice, then the game begins. One girl says, "what started out as fun turned very frustrating" which sums up my ENTIRE BACHELOR BLOG EXPERIENCE THUS FAR PERFECTLY! Leslie H. and her huge jaw are getting serious and I swear the theme music from The Amazing Race is playing. I realize that this vball match (if you can even call it that) is not violent enough and way too erotic for my taste. If I were a women's volleyball player, I'd be offended at this whole display of playing for a man and not the glory of it all. I am barfing.

The red team loses and model/proclaimed oompa-loompa Kristy starts fucking crying all over the place.

                                                

Commercial break happens and Bachelor Spirit Guide Haley says, "I want to be married!...Eh, not really, I just want a Range Rover."

This has nothing to do with the show, but I needed to add it in because I thought it was very fun.

Sean takes a liking to Lindsey, the girl who will forever be known as the one who came in a bridal gown, and she is so desperate, it makes me cringe. She is easily the type of girl who would drop her life for a guy like Sean...which makes me so sad. Also, I'm sorry but I can never like her. Her first impression with me just did not cut it. Sean finds her weirdly endearing though, which further makes me realize his terrible judgement.

Meanwhile, I am thinking that I cannot believe anything any of these people say. It's all just such bull shit and I honestly do not understand how so many people can watch this show and fall for it all.

ANYWAYS. CUT TO THE BACHELORETTE PAD/HOUSE.

They get the next "date card" and Tiara reads aloud, "AshLee...and Selma" and everyone is all like "WTF?!?!" then Tiara laughs like a ghoul, "JK!" then this sharp music happens dramatically and the mood is entirely changed. AshLee is mad, Selma is mad, everyone is mad. Tiara is ridiculous. And I love her. (but not really)



BACK TO THE GROUP DATE.

Amanda is being strange and creepy with her big teeth and sweaty face. I begin to realize that the revelation that Sean may behold is that Amanda is, in fact, a witch.

Kacie gets a few minutes alone with Sean and brings up the Amanda/witch situation. Making it weird. (well, not the witch part, just the bitch part)

Sean completely dismissed Kacie (even though they're apparently friends), shoots her down for stickign up for Desiree, and calls her a "weirdo"...he actually did. He basically says, "You shouldn't be worrying about any 'friends' you make in the house. I don't want to hear about it. This is about ME, finding love..."

This is when I actually begin hating Sean.

So Kacie's fucked forever for some reason now. Poor Kacie.

Then we go back to the house and Kacie's could-be sister, AshLee (with a big L) is getting ready for her one on one with Sean, looking all cute, and we remember she does actually exist. Then Tiara falls down the steps like an imbecile. Once again, making it weird.

Coincidentally this happens RIGHT before Sean arrives to pick up AshLee for the date. Tiara couldn't possibly have known though.. So the paramedics come and it's all hyped up for nothing because Tiara's plan backfires--instead of Sean giving her attention, she gets put in a disgusting neck brace, to which she immediately freaks out towards, "this is so stupid! get me off! get this off me! Sean will think I'm ugly in this neck brace!"

                               

Obviously, this is when we all realize she's faking it.

Tiara is just that hot, bitchy girl that Sean could never get in college, and that is why he's creepily rubbing her leg and so enamoured by her. I'm telling you, that's what it is.

Eugh.
At this point, I JUST CAN'T!

So FINALLY Sean takes AshLee on their date. They go to Six Flags and meet up with two best friends and young girls with illnesses which is just very nice and makes up for the rest of this shitty show. The four have a great time together and then randomly the Eli Young Band shows up to play some tunes. This is when I picture Eli Young sitting with his guys talking to a few producers and Chris Harrison like, "Alright, we'll do it for the kids..."

Sean and AshLee talk about their plans for the future and it seems at this point anything commendable the girls say Sean will say "Oh, yeah, me too!" AshLee shares a lot with Sean about her childhood and wanting to adopt children later in life and he just jumps right on that band wagon. He's creepy. I think he's shady and a liar. We all know that men with no flaws DO NOT EXIST...SO STOP SEAN.

Finally, the cocktail party/rose ceremony starts. Sean takes Sarah aside randomly and brings her her little, ugly dog for a visit. (the dog is so ugly, it's cute kind of thing) I don't really understand why this happened, but the dog arrived in its own limo...so that was fun.

Then things get whack.

Tiara is talking to Sean on the private lounge couch and instead of talking about anything with meaning she just keeps talking about how badly she wants more than ten minutes with him. BITCH STOP WASTING TIME TALKING ABOUT TIME AND SPEAK! What a fool.

                                 

Desiree comes out, stirring the pot, and steals Sean away. Tiara is not happy about this so she steals him back. Lesley gets in on the action and steals Sean from Tiara. Then it just becomes this fucked up cycle and Sean is so pleased with himself that I WANT TO SLAP HIM TILL HE BLEEDS.

Desiree cries annoyingly, "I hate this game!" And if I were there, I'd be rolling my eyes, filing my nails, flipping my hair and turn to her, "Bitch, you started it!" Obviously, Desiree thinks she's above these people somehow.

Anyways. The rose ceremony starts and all the girls are wasted.

Before he starts, Sean calls Kacie outside to talk. This is where he tells her that he just sees them as friends and obviously he's still taking the whole Desiree/Amanda thing too seriously. Kacie is heartbroken, as am I for her. Then Sean says something that puts the cherry on my dislike for him: "I just can't put you through another rose ceremony like this, I respect you too much."


               
O_o

I do not understand.

Isn't calling her out and apart from everyone else more embarassing and less respectful than anything? Also, is he saying he doesn't respect the other girls..? (obviously, this is true, but come on!)

Then he proceeds to tell the other girls what happened. MAKING. IT. WEIRD. Because they don't GIVE A FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK that Kacie is gone! One less in the competition.

Sean hands out roses all over the place, including one to Daniella, who I forgot existed because of her lack of commentary in this episode.

Chris pops out and is like, "As you know this is the last rose." And literally everyone rolls their eyes.

Sean idiotically sends probably the most normal person home (Taryn) and then the Bronzer-Happy model Kristy who has always been irrelevant.

Upon watching tonight's episode I am beginning to understand the world of The Bachelor. The guy is a complete fool. I cannot wait till he goes back and watches everything and realizes that Kacie was right, that Tiara is crazy, that Amanda is a witch. These things. Also, Sean it too much for me. I can no longer stand him after what happened tonight and I almost hope he picks Tiara in the end and that they fail..as much as I HATE saying it. He needs a reality CHECK.

We all do, actually, for taking this show seriously....

Me especially.

Alright, well,
Until next time,

Kaitie
xo

Betchy Bachelor Monday: Part II

Howdy, ya'll! Happy Monday!

I hope everyone had a good weekend and is ready for some Betchy Bachelor Fun.

Once again, if you don't watch the Bachelor/think it's stupid, then just x out of this screen right now because IT'S HAPPENING WITH OR WITHOUT YOUR CONSENT.

In case you missed last week's rendition and are too lazy to go back and read, I, Kaitie, am a first-time Bachelor viewer (sort of) and have decided to document the happenings play by play for everyone.

Last week we were introduced to Bachelor Sean and his harem of lipglossed freakshows. He broke all popular Bachelor conventions and gave out a shit ton of "first impression" roses, which, was just like, so insane.

This week starts off with a bang. Sean is without a shirt within the first moment, so you know it's going to be a good night. Is anyone shocked that he is shirtless at this point? No. The answer is no.

Then, to my roommate and Bachelor Spirit-Guide, Rebekah's delight, this week there was a shower scene. I finally got to see the epic shower scene. In my mind, I cannot help but imagine a bunch of fat, bearded crew guys filming this Ken-Doll like demigod in an outdoor shower, lovin life. Then I giggle.

                                  

Not the shower scene I'm talking about. But also epic.

Okay, so it is clear in the beginning of the episode that no one loves Sean more than Chris Harrison. He has repeatedly told us and the girls that Sean is so genuine and awesome and sexual and it's like, Okay, Chris, TAKE A COLD SHOWER ALREADY.

Then OMG the first "date card" comes (a term I did not know prior to this, but apparently it's just a cute invite type thing that the bachelor will write to one of the ladies and make her feel special for a brief moment, while also making her the object of all the other girls' hateful looks). So anyways. The date card gets there and Sarah gets it. And it's very hard not to love Sarah because she's so sweet and has all of these self confidence issues because of her arm.
Then probably my favorite thing about The Bachelor in general happens and they cut to another girl giving her commentary. I want to say, for the record, that this is definitely the best part of the entire show...because the girls say exactly what they are feeling and it is seriously awesome.
So they cut to this other girl who basically says, "I'm happy for her only because I have to be because she has one arm...but I will still cut her", basically acting like Sean's decision to pick Sarah first is a charity thing, which is super bitchy of her to say.

Sean proceeds to pick Sarah up in a helicopter. And every mother will tell their daughter that if a guy picks you up in a helicopter for a date, you will have to put out by the end of the night. That is a lot of pressure for our dear Sarah.

                                                
                                              

However, you do not have to have sex with Bruce Jenner if he offers you a spin with his "mini-copter".

As if the sexcapade, heli-ride isn't enough, all this epic music is playing as they look at the scenery and there's this completely useless commentary in the back in which Sarah drones on and basically just says "I want to spend the rest of my life with him" over and over again in different ways.

Then the real fun begins when they land on a roof top. Roof top dinner? No.
They are going to be jumping off a building.
And Sean is actually wearing a shirt while doing it.

It's like a demented version of Spiderman. I'm just sitting here thinking that personally, if I was on this date with Sean, like what would happen when I pee all over myself in complete fear? Would Sean mind smelling like urine? He's so perfect that I can't imagine him being that mad about it.

OK so anyways. Sarah and Sean jump off a building and have a great time, then they drink some champagne and love life and talk about her. I realize this date is supposed to be the most exciting thing ever, but it is seriously so boring. I am not paying attention to anything they're saying because the conversation is so unbelievably boring and Sarah sounds like Kourtney Kardashian.

Then he gives her a "date rose" which I didn't know what it was, but my other Bachlor-Spirit Guide, roommate Emily informs me that the "date rose" is just basically a safeguard for the girls. Kind of like immunity in Survivor. But more important.

Anyways, Sarah is safe...so yay, I guess.
Then the next "date card" comes and WOO IT'S A GROUP DATE. What cracks me up about this scene is Sean literally selects like 8 girls to go on a group date with and each time a girl's name is called, the other girls cheer for her like THEY ARE ACTUALLY HAPPY FOR ONE ANOTHER. Girl, please.
So half these bitches get chosen to go on a group date in which Sean decides they're going to pose for Harlequin Romance-like covers.
At this point it's just fucking weird and I can't even believe this happened in a somewhat real life situation.

                                                

So Fabio's got his bitches all around him crawling and stuff. Meanwhile, Tiara's being all shady and witch-like. And I just can't help but think that I actually do think these people are clinically insane.
Then they cut to one of the Leslie's who says, "I'm here for love" and my fears of their insanity are solidified. Then she awkwardly kisses Sean after endearing us all to her because of her charm and shyness. This kiss, of course, makes all the girls hate her. So now I have to retract my statement from last week about hating her because she's actually kind of quirky.
Sigh.

I can't seem to understand why Sean and multiple girls keep using the word "explore" when they describe what they want out of their time together. They just keep saying it, too. It was seriously the keyword of the night. EXPLORE.
This isn't Dora, okay, I don't want to explore anyone. Just tell me what your problem is so it doesn't have to be some big fucking surprise, okay? I don't want an adventure in which I have to "explore" you. Unless you mean sexually, then I get it.
Still, it makes me very irritated and I have a hard time enjoying anything these people are saying at this point.

                                                       

Who made this? This is pedophilic...

Some other fun things that occur during the group date are Kacie acting like a borderline stalker/manipulater. Daniella's practically useless commentary. The nearly irrelevant, fuzzy haired Katie not "being comfortable" on the show and Sean's just like BITCH, BYE, and "I'll walk you out." He didn't even blink.

Don't let the door hit you on the way out.

OK SO NEXT TOPIC.
Desiree is chosen for Date #2 and she's all charming and brunette and smiley and you just want to be her friend but also punch her at the same time.
She's that person.
Sean decides to be hilarious and the jokester that he is and pulls a little prank on her. It's staged like the hidden camera show, Boiling Points or something.

Needless to say, it was the most fun Chris Harrison has had in 9 years.

I'm just thinking to myself that if a guy did that to any normal girl on a first day, she'd be peacing out pretty fast.
But Desiree just laughs it off and acts like it's going to be such a fun story to tell at their 6th date wedding.
After the prank, Sean and Desiree sit down and get drunk. She tells him that she doesn't know anything about him and I could've answered for her and said, "Well, I'm perfect, I like climbing things while not wearing a shirt."
After talking about their parents for a ridiculously long time, they get into their swim wear and fool around in the pool. Sean gets into some sort of Captain America-like swim shorts that solidify his Ken-doll status.

Meanwhile, during commercial break, Spirit-Guide #3, Ellen asks all of us "What would your perfect first date be?"
And I most definitely wouldn't answer jumping off of buildings, posing for Harlequin romance novel covers, or getting pranked in an art gallery...but that's just me.
Any date that doesn't end with me wanting a pint of Ben and Jerry's or a vat of wine by the end of the night to shake it off, is a good date to me.

We get back from commercial break and suddenly, everyone hates Amanda. I don't blame anyone for hating her because her yellow dress is hideous like a bad bridesmaid's dress from 1983. Daniella, of course, has some interesting commentary about this and calls Amanda a "tornado of negativity", which I think is very beautifully said.
Amanda sits there like a psychopath, not speaking with anyone as she broods, sweats, and gets frizzy hair. Then Sean comes around and she beams her full teeth smile (you know, upper and lower teeth show the same amount...yikes) and acts like she's just this nice girl.

Robyn decides she wants to bring up race and ask Sean why he picked her/does he like black girls. Sean proceeds to be perfect and says he likes "all girls", which just, ugh, makes my heart beam.

Then, thank God, the rose ceremony starts and at this point, I'm sweating like Amanda and drunk off of pink wine like a betch.

                                         

Sean gives his first rose to Ashley.
Which led me to ask, WHO IS THAT?
She literally was not even on the episode tonight, so that was awkward.

I just can't stop watching on the edge of my seat as each girl gets her name called. There is so much chest heaving on these ladies' parts, you'd think they were close to passing out. Maybe they are. I would be. Hell, I am, and I'm not even directly involved.

Tiara gets a rose and everyone just rolls their eyes. Personally, Tiara is growing on me because she's doing everything right...playing Sean like the fool he is. She doesn't want love. She wants the rose.
Isn't that what this show is really about, though?

Then....
the last rose.

My heart patters with thrill and nerves.
I feel my palms sweating.
It's almost like that moment in The Dark Knight Rises when Batman is climbing out of that pit in the ground without the rope and all those old guys are chanting a different language. I feel so much.

                                                

Here is Tom Hardy's back.

He gives to Amanda.
And every single girl cringed as she gave her her full mouth smile like a shark.

Once all the roses are handed out, Chris Harrison walks up and is like "Ladies, I'm sorry, you did not receive a rose," to which literally everyone goes, "YEAH NO SHIT, CHRIS!"

Then we watch as the irrelevant ones walk off into the distance and cry.
Even though I am kind of sad that Dianna and her Katniss braid will be leaving us.

So my ultimate recap for the night:
Sean is a jokester, and still shirtless. But also, I cannot help but get very angry at this concept of the show, as I do every time I watch.
These "marriages" rarely work out and you wonder if it's because these people watch the show back once they've already decided if they're going to marry a person and see how truly awful their bonny lass really is.

But isn't it their own faults?
They claim they "feel special" and "feel the connection", but aren't feelings deceiving even for these fake people just like they are for us real people?
How can you feel special on a show that is literally set up to make you feel non-special?

"OH WOO! I HAVE A GROUP DATE WITH SEAN!"...?? Why is that OK?!?!
If a guy isn't giving you his full attention, how can there really be a basis for a relationship?

As Hannah from GIRLS once wisely said, "I just want someone who wants to hang out all the time, and thinks I'm the best person in the world, and wants to have sex with only me."

Maybe some people are worse than others and don't deserve amazing things in life, but I think we all agree that we deserve this basic one-on-one love relationship.

If I were on The Bachelor, this is definitely a topic I'd like to bring up with Sean. Then I'd steal all the roses and run off into the sunset with the flawless Chris Harrison.

Until the next Betchy Monday,

Kaitie
xo