I hope everyone had a good weekend and is ready for some Betchy Bachelor Fun.
Once again, if you don't watch the Bachelor/think it's stupid, then just x out of this screen right now because IT'S HAPPENING WITH OR WITHOUT YOUR CONSENT.
In case you missed last week's rendition and are too lazy to go back and read, I, Kaitie, am a first-time Bachelor viewer (sort of) and have decided to document the happenings play by play for everyone.
Last week we were introduced to Bachelor Sean and his harem of lipglossed freakshows. He broke all popular Bachelor conventions and gave out a shit ton of "first impression" roses, which, was just like, so insane.
This week starts off with a bang. Sean is without a shirt within the first moment, so you know it's going to be a good night. Is anyone shocked that he is shirtless at this point? No. The answer is no.
Then, to my roommate and Bachelor Spirit-Guide, Rebekah's delight, this week there was a shower scene. I finally got to see the epic shower scene. In my mind, I cannot help but imagine a bunch of fat, bearded crew guys filming this Ken-Doll like demigod in an outdoor shower, lovin life. Then I giggle.
Not the shower scene I'm talking about. But also epic.
Okay, so it is clear in the beginning of the episode that no one loves Sean more than Chris Harrison. He has repeatedly told us and the girls that Sean is so genuine and awesome and sexual and it's like, Okay, Chris, TAKE A COLD SHOWER ALREADY.
Then OMG the first "date card" comes (a term I did not know prior to this, but apparently it's just a cute invite type thing that the bachelor will write to one of the ladies and make her feel special for a brief moment, while also making her the object of all the other girls' hateful looks). So anyways. The date card gets there and Sarah gets it. And it's very hard not to love Sarah because she's so sweet and has all of these self confidence issues because of her arm.
Then probably my favorite thing about The Bachelor in general happens and they cut to another girl giving her commentary. I want to say, for the record, that this is definitely the best part of the entire show...because the girls say exactly what they are feeling and it is seriously awesome.
So they cut to this other girl who basically says, "I'm happy for her only because I have to be because she has one arm...but I will still cut her", basically acting like Sean's decision to pick Sarah first is a charity thing, which is super bitchy of her to say.
Sean proceeds to pick Sarah up in a helicopter. And every mother will tell their daughter that if a guy picks you up in a helicopter for a date, you will have to put out by the end of the night. That is a lot of pressure for our dear Sarah.
However, you do not have to have sex with Bruce Jenner if he offers you a spin with his "mini-copter".
As if the sexcapade, heli-ride isn't enough, all this epic music is playing as they look at the scenery and there's this completely useless commentary in the back in which Sarah drones on and basically just says "I want to spend the rest of my life with him" over and over again in different ways.
Then the real fun begins when they land on a roof top. Roof top dinner? No.
They are going to be jumping off a building.
And Sean is actually wearing a shirt while doing it.
It's like a demented version of Spiderman. I'm just sitting here thinking that personally, if I was on this date with Sean, like what would happen when I pee all over myself in complete fear? Would Sean mind smelling like urine? He's so perfect that I can't imagine him being that mad about it.
OK so anyways. Sarah and Sean jump off a building and have a great time, then they drink some champagne and love life and talk about her. I realize this date is supposed to be the most exciting thing ever, but it is seriously so boring. I am not paying attention to anything they're saying because the conversation is so unbelievably boring and Sarah sounds like Kourtney Kardashian.
Then he gives her a "date rose" which I didn't know what it was, but my other Bachlor-Spirit Guide, roommate Emily informs me that the "date rose" is just basically a safeguard for the girls. Kind of like immunity in Survivor. But more important.
Anyways, Sarah is safe...so yay, I guess.
Then the next "date card" comes and WOO IT'S A GROUP DATE. What cracks me up about this scene is Sean literally selects like 8 girls to go on a group date with and each time a girl's name is called, the other girls cheer for her like THEY ARE ACTUALLY HAPPY FOR ONE ANOTHER. Girl, please.
So half these bitches get chosen to go on a group date in which Sean decides they're going to pose for Harlequin Romance-like covers.
At this point it's just fucking weird and I can't even believe this happened in a somewhat real life situation.
So Fabio's got his bitches all around him crawling and stuff. Meanwhile, Tiara's being all shady and witch-like. And I just can't help but think that I actually do think these people are clinically insane.
Then they cut to one of the Leslie's who says, "I'm here for love" and my fears of their insanity are solidified. Then she awkwardly kisses Sean after endearing us all to her because of her charm and shyness. This kiss, of course, makes all the girls hate her. So now I have to retract my statement from last week about hating her because she's actually kind of quirky.
Sigh.
I can't seem to understand why Sean and multiple girls keep using the word "explore" when they describe what they want out of their time together. They just keep saying it, too. It was seriously the keyword of the night. EXPLORE.
This isn't Dora, okay, I don't want to explore anyone. Just tell me what your problem is so it doesn't have to be some big fucking surprise, okay? I don't want an adventure in which I have to "explore" you. Unless you mean sexually, then I get it.
Still, it makes me very irritated and I have a hard time enjoying anything these people are saying at this point.
Who made this? This is pedophilic...
Some other fun things that occur during the group date are Kacie acting like a borderline stalker/manipulater. Daniella's practically useless commentary. The nearly irrelevant, fuzzy haired Katie not "being comfortable" on the show and Sean's just like BITCH, BYE, and "I'll walk you out." He didn't even blink.
Don't let the door hit you on the way out.
OK SO NEXT TOPIC.
Desiree is chosen for Date #2 and she's all charming and brunette and smiley and you just want to be her friend but also punch her at the same time.
She's that person.
Sean decides to be hilarious and the jokester that he is and pulls a little prank on her. It's staged like the hidden camera show, Boiling Points or something.
Needless to say, it was the most fun Chris Harrison has had in 9 years.
I'm just thinking to myself that if a guy did that to any normal girl on a first day, she'd be peacing out pretty fast.
But Desiree just laughs it off and acts like it's going to be such a fun story to tell at their 6th date wedding.
After the prank, Sean and Desiree sit down and get drunk. She tells him that she doesn't know anything about him and I could've answered for her and said, "Well, I'm perfect, I like climbing things while not wearing a shirt."
After talking about their parents for a ridiculously long time, they get into their swim wear and fool around in the pool. Sean gets into some sort of Captain America-like swim shorts that solidify his Ken-doll status.
Meanwhile, during commercial break, Spirit-Guide #3, Ellen asks all of us "What would your perfect first date be?"
And I most definitely wouldn't answer jumping off of buildings, posing for Harlequin romance novel covers, or getting pranked in an art gallery...but that's just me.
Any date that doesn't end with me wanting a pint of Ben and Jerry's or a vat of wine by the end of the night to shake it off, is a good date to me.
We get back from commercial break and suddenly, everyone hates Amanda. I don't blame anyone for hating her because her yellow dress is hideous like a bad bridesmaid's dress from 1983. Daniella, of course, has some interesting commentary about this and calls Amanda a "tornado of negativity", which I think is very beautifully said.
Amanda sits there like a psychopath, not speaking with anyone as she broods, sweats, and gets frizzy hair. Then Sean comes around and she beams her full teeth smile (you know, upper and lower teeth show the same amount...yikes) and acts like she's just this nice girl.
Robyn decides she wants to bring up race and ask Sean why he picked her/does he like black girls. Sean proceeds to be perfect and says he likes "all girls", which just, ugh, makes my heart beam.
Then, thank God, the rose ceremony starts and at this point, I'm sweating like Amanda and drunk off of pink wine like a betch.
Sean gives his first rose to Ashley.
Which led me to ask, WHO IS THAT?
She literally was not even on the episode tonight, so that was awkward.
I just can't stop watching on the edge of my seat as each girl gets her name called. There is so much chest heaving on these ladies' parts, you'd think they were close to passing out. Maybe they are. I would be. Hell, I am, and I'm not even directly involved.
Tiara gets a rose and everyone just rolls their eyes. Personally, Tiara is growing on me because she's doing everything right...playing Sean like the fool he is. She doesn't want love. She wants the rose.
Isn't that what this show is really about, though?
Then....
the last rose.
My heart patters with thrill and nerves.
I feel my palms sweating.
It's almost like that moment in The Dark Knight Rises when Batman is climbing out of that pit in the ground without the rope and all those old guys are chanting a different language. I feel so much.
Here is Tom Hardy's back.
He gives to Amanda.
And every single girl cringed as she gave her her full mouth smile like a shark.
Once all the roses are handed out, Chris Harrison walks up and is like "Ladies, I'm sorry, you did not receive a rose," to which literally everyone goes, "YEAH NO SHIT, CHRIS!"
Then we watch as the irrelevant ones walk off into the distance and cry.
Even though I am kind of sad that Dianna and her Katniss braid will be leaving us.
So my ultimate recap for the night:
Sean is a jokester, and still shirtless. But also, I cannot help but get very angry at this concept of the show, as I do every time I watch.
These "marriages" rarely work out and you wonder if it's because these people watch the show back once they've already decided if they're going to marry a person and see how truly awful their bonny lass really is.
But isn't it their own faults?
They claim they "feel special" and "feel the connection", but aren't feelings deceiving even for these fake people just like they are for us real people?
How can you feel special on a show that is literally set up to make you feel non-special?
"OH WOO! I HAVE A GROUP DATE WITH SEAN!"...?? Why is that OK?!?!
If a guy isn't giving you his full attention, how can there really be a basis for a relationship?
As Hannah from GIRLS once wisely said, "I just want someone who wants to hang out all the time, and thinks I'm the best person in the world, and wants to have sex with only me."
Maybe some people are worse than others and don't deserve amazing things in life, but I think we all agree that we deserve this basic one-on-one love relationship.
If I were on The Bachelor, this is definitely a topic I'd like to bring up with Sean. Then I'd steal all the roses and run off into the sunset with the flawless Chris Harrison.
Until the next Betchy Monday,
Kaitie
xo
No comments:
Post a Comment