Woo! We have made it, we have survived, and we are doing wonderful. At least, I hope we are. I know it's been about a month since I've written and I'm sorry about that, but how much of me do you really want anyways?
I'm going to start a new blog post segment today called Betchy Bachelor Monday.
My roommate, Rebekah, so kindly (and not so forcefully) forced me to watch the Bachelor tonight and let me just tell you...OH MY GOSH.
I've always prided myself on being one of those people who can't stand the Bachelor/Bachelorette/etc. HOWEVER, I now see the error in my ways. In which before I took the show far too seriously.
Now I understand.
All The Bachelor is is a bunch of highly attractive people with weird personality disorders getting together and finding "love".
After that realization dawned on me, I began to really engross myself in it.
So now. I shall comence.
For those of you who don't watch, you're missing out and I think you should...and if you want, I will fill you in now. Which I'm going to. In case you were wondering.
Before I begin, I want you all to know..I've never been fully involved in The Bachelor before, so this is like a new experience for me. Thank God for my roommate who had to explain to me some basic things such as the concept of the "first impression rose" and the epic "bachelor gaze" that the bachelors all get in the intro as they look off into the distance like Legolas.
The episode starts off with Bachelor Sean. Apparently, Bachelor Sean's heart was previously broken when he came in 3rd place, as in 2nd loser, during Bachelorette Emily's season last year. In case you were wondering, Emily ended up with Jeff, and then they broke up because autonomic Barbie dolls with zero personality tend to not do well in serious relationships.
I know it all seems irrelevant, but I promise it has a purpose. We need to give Bachelor Sean some back story to make him interesting.
So there Sean is, blonde, beautiful, muscular, and all too perfect for real life situations. He's not some fucking annoying prick with a bad hair cut like Bachelor Ben. Sean is actually attractive and may actually be the man of my dreams and I don't even like blondes. Bachelor Sean is literally the guy standing on a mountainside saying, "Here I am, climbing a mountain in a sweater from LL Bean" or lifting without a shirt, saying, "Here I am lifting, without a shirt" AS IF HE BELONGS IN A BOFLEX AD or "Here, I am climbing up a cliff, free style, no biggie...lovin life...without a shirt" AGAIN. I DO NOT MIND THOUGH.
Here he is without a shirt. So this is what it looks like.
Then, you know to make him deep, they show him sitting against a tree stump looking all poetic and shit as he talks about his dark days "getting over Emily". It makes you hate Emily, HATE. They also show him playing with his little niece and nephew which is enough to make any normal, straight woman wet immediately.
So Bachelor Sean is basically perfect with his v-neck t-shirts (that is, when he is wearing a shirt, it will be a v-neck). It is almost enough to make me question him. WTF is wrong with him that he can't pick up a girl at the bar, at the grocery store, the mall, the street, a funeral, in any place where there is a massive amount of people with a vagina generally? If he can't find someone, like, what does that say about him, you know?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM.
I try to put this worry back into my mind.
Low and behold, his intro ends and my roomie, Rebekah says she's disappointed that there was no "shower scene". At that I immediately questioned her obsession with pornography. She calmed me down and informed me that usually they will have a scene with the Bachelor in a shower, but they will NOT show any lower parts.
At that, I was also disappointed there was no shower scene.
But I think climbing a cliff shirtless is kind of more impressive.
Anyone can lather themself in soap.
Bachelor Sean gets a visit from a buddy from Emily's season who was the first loser, 2nd placer. They seem to be quite the bro's now and they take the time to pour a beer out of a bottle and into a mug to enjoy on the patio together. Just bro-ing out. Sean's buddy gives him some important advice and Sean says he is worried because he won't be able to use the "it's not you, it's me" excuse on these women because it most definitely will be them. At this, the buddies laugh as they share a cold one. I've come to realize that if put in a competition for the affection of one man or woman, men will just bro out about it all while women will most likely Tonya Harding a bitch and knock her knees out with a lead pipe in order to get herself ahead.
So that was an important moment.
because of this ass hole...
THEN they start introducting the girls which is super entertaining in itself because most of these girls are stone-cold weirdos. Like, this one girl, AshLee is obsessed with cleanliness and organization and at one point during her intro she's just sitting on this couch talking about how she can never find love and looking off into the distance LIKE A SOCIOPATH BEFORE THEY ARE ABOUT TO MURDER 10 PEOPLE.
Then there's this other bitch, Tiara, who is talking to her Yorkie about how it's going to have a "new daddy" and that was just over-confident and weird to me. Most of these girls are talking about how they are just "an average girl" ..I beg to differ.
My favorite gal of the night probably had to be the "50 Shades of Grey" fan. This woman was an absolute lunatic and I'm not saying it's because she had a cat...but it is not a strong case for people with cats. That's all I'm saying.
Alright, then my favorite part of the night commenced in which all of the girls got out of their limos and we got to see their dresses and Bachelor Sean's first reaction, as well as his handling of super awkward situations in which every girl makes eye contact to the point of NOT BLINKING and tries to do something to make him remember her.
By girl #4, I'm so uncomfortable, that I CANNOT LOOK AT THE SCREEN.
A few stand outs were as follows:
First girl is the OCD girl and breaths his name as she gets out of the car like she's in fucking Casablanca or some shit.
The second woman busts out some red lipstick and stains his cheek, maybe forever.
50 Shades Woman busts out a gray tie and makes sexual advances at Sean without knowing him. Later, she desperately shakes her booty for him and claims that her mother already considers him a son. She just sort of throws her cat around like it's NBD.
The "It's so crazy being me" wannabe-model girl who serves no purpose to my life.
This Nashville, Cruise-Ship working girl with big boobs singing Sean a song that was 20 seconds too long for comfort.
Robyn completely wiping out in front of Sean while doing a back flip (WHICH I THINK SHE DID ON PURPOSE TO MAKE HER MORE MEMORABLE AND ENDEARING..BUT WHATEV)
Tiara is given a rose after like 13 seconds of knowing Sean!!! He literally breaks all household rules in Bachelor history by giving this Yorkie-toting psychopath a rose before all the other girls. This automatically puts a chip on her shoulder and makes her both feel superior and be super hated by all the other girls. The sassy Asian girl with a nose ring was not pleased at all and claimed that Tiara was basically an ugly troll. So, that'll be interesting.
Desiree ..I was not impressed by her, but she seems like she's going to be quite the household name this season.
Dianna is super cute and we loved her...mostly because of her Katniss braid.
ABSOLUTELY despised the "football-loving", working in D.C. "guy's girl" that pretended to do a football play with Sean just so she could check out his ass like a little slut.
Then there's this bitch in a freaking wedding dress who is a walking nightmmare. She kisses him immediately, and is compeltely desperate...this becomes more obvious when he's "getting to know her" and she's toasted as fuck acting like a college freshman at her first frat party.
THEN OMG. Chris Harrison comes out and he's all like, "whew, look at all of these bitches" with raised eyebrows and stuff, then he's all, "SO WE'VE GOT A SURPRISE FOR YOU" and we're all like holy shit, it is Emily.
Then Rebekah is like "NO IT CANNOT BE EMILY" and I'm all "YES!" and then they cut to commercial, but they show us her legs...and we are thinking maybe it is his mother or sister...but like, okay, her legs were way too foxy.
Coming back from break, we find out it is indeed Kacie from Bachelor Ben's season.
GREAT! WE LOVE HER.
Well Rebekah does, and she is an avid watcher. I do not know Kacie, but she does seem like a nice girl.
Upon watching all of the girls introduce themselves and all that I begin to realize this show is basically Miss. America but with more self doubt and panic attacks and I honestly think meeting a former murderer would be less awkward than meeting these girls. Poor Sean.
OKAY, so after all the girls introduce themselves, they are given time to "get to know" Sean in which they have about five minutes to pitch themselves. It's like a fucked up job interview for "potential wife". All I am thinking while Sean is talking to these girls is how I cannot wait to see all of the claws come out. I mean, honestly, they are so sweet and weird and awkward with Sean and then they go inside, give them a Mai Tai and they are READY TO SLAP A BITCH.
All I keep thinking is how I would really flourish in this type of environment because I think I'd be good at starting shit with the girls, therefore distracting them, then making Sean ride off with me in the sunset. However, I don't think Sean would choose me because I've never rock climbed and am not even a C cup.
So Bachelor Sean gets all unprecedented and starts handing out all of these "first impression roses" which is totally out of control and these bitches are like "CAN HE DO THAT? WHERE IS CHRIS HARRISON? MAKE HIM TELL SEAN TO CALM DOWN."
I personally do not like what Sean did here with the first impression roses because it can be very pressuring on a girl and make her feel very bad when she doesn't get one after a brief convo with him.
Besides, aren't the roses at the end of the show still technically all "first impression" roses...I mean, how long has he known these pyschos?!
It just all made me very anxious.
A lot of these girls are very delusional about love and what marriage really is, that's all I have to say.
I think Sean might be too, but I don't want to say anything bad about him.
So anyways. The night ends and Sean only has 6 roses to give out because he fucking gave away the rest of them ALREADY. And he picks like 6 randos and lets them stay.
All I kept thinking for 2 hours as I watched the show was how uncomfortable I was and how any single 10 second clip from this show could be seen on "The Soup".
Also, I cannot wait to see the cattiness of it all because really, this is how every girl WANTS to act when other girls like the guy they like. They want it to be a contest, when in reality it is much harsher. One girl stated, "I didn't come here to make best friends" and I'm like "no shit, you came here to find a 'husband' or an acting career..."
The Bachelor does indeed make it harsh though, with it's "you are picked last in gym"/"you are now voted off the island" type rose ceremonies.
A few good things come out of tonight's episode, and no, it's not just Chris Harrison's ageless perfection.
We decided collectively, as females (me and my 2 roommates) that we like certain girls more than others and are intrigued as to where their journey on the show will take them. They are as follows:
1. Sarah- Sarah is gorgeous, timid, and was born with only one arm. She seems to genuinely be a good person, which therefore means she probably shouldn't be on the show. But we're rooting for her.
2. Kacie- Kacie is that girl in high school that you just liked, even though she was prettier than you could ever be and had way better social skills. Her heart was broken by Ben, but she wants to try again with Sean. I personally could see them as a couple I get stuck sitting behind at some sort of event like a Kenny Chesney concert or a baseball game.
3. Taryn- We felt really bad for Taryn because she never really got a chance to talk to Sean and was almost in tears of frustration because of it. She said, "I can't fight over a guy, that's not who I am" and I wanted to shout "YEAH BECAUSE YOU ARE NORMAL!" but I think her timidness may save her in the end. Plus she has great hair.
4- Dianna- Dianna is a single mom, hair stylist who is naturally cute. She wears a bit too much make up, but that's okay because she has a Katniss side braid and seems like a pretty okay person.
5- Robyn- Robyn is a young business professional who so fatefully fell while doing a back flip during the awkward limo scene. While I hated her for doing a back flip, I also loved her for falling...she seems okay. We'll see.
6- Desiree- I didn't personally like her, but Rebekah said she did...I think she'll play a big role this season but eh..
7- Selma- Selma has a gorgeous face and we are pretty sure big, fake breasts BUT she seems fun and easy-going.
8- Paige- I don't remember who this is but I wrote her name down...?
Ultimately I will never understand why someone would want to be with someone who says they love you after knowing you for like, two days total. Are these people mentally stable? I'll never know.
I hate myself for writing this blog and conforming to this effed up society in which we have reality shows where we pick out our wives and husbands through basic competition and there are things in existence called "rose ceremonies".
With that being said, I can't wait to watch next week and am looking forward to this season.
Until the next Betchy Monday,
Kaitie
xo
And if you're mad at me for writing a blog about the Bachelor, go screw yourself.
PS: I vote Taylor Swift for next Bachelorette.
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