Here we are.
The emotional ending.
Let's get loco.
Every difficult, heartbreaking decision has led Bachelorette JoJo to this.
Who is it going to be?
Former athlete Jordan? Former athlete Robby?
JoJo loves them both - but she isn't sure if either of them are ready for marriage. They surely aren't ready for a new haircut, unfortunately.
Let us begin this THREE HOUR event.
*cracks knuckles, chugs wine, deep breaths*
JoJo seems very light-hearted and happy at the beginning of this episode - which is funny to me because she's literally been an emotional MESS the past four weeks, at least.
Did someone give her some happy pills?
"When I'm with Robby, I think about Jordan. When I'm with Jordan, I think about Robby."
Probably because they are literally the same person.
We start off re-meeting JoJo's family - her stoic father, drunk mother, over-protective brothers, and some other girl who I assume is a sister/sister-in-law. She informs her family that she is, indeed, in love with both of them. Her mom is shocked. Although I am not sure because of all of the work she's had done.
Jordan is first up meeting the family.
JoJo's family seems very receptive towards Jordan at first, which means they reallllly want those Packers season tix. Jordan tells the family that he's gotten them each gifts aka embarrassing hats. I guess this is supposed to be charming.
JoJo's beautiful, drunk mother pulls Jordan over first and gets right to the chase. Trust. She can see that Jordan is a playboy and wants to get to the bottom of this.
"Give me your word you will never break my daughter's heart," she tells him.
Jordan is like
He's like, "I-I promise."
"Who doesn't like Jordan?" JoJo asks her mom happily later on when they're having some one-on-one time.
"That's what worries me..." her mom responds.
Um, his own brother doesn't even like him, so I'm not so sure JoJo's mom is wrong about being concerned.
Jordan wants nothing more than to get permission from JoJo's father for his daughter's hand in marriage. He chokes and isn't able to ask him. Who the hell knows why?
Probably to add more drama to the latter portion of the show.
Next, Jordan returns to the family the next day with some flowers.
OH WAIT sorry that's Robby now.
Hard for me to tell.
JoJo's mom wastes no time, "So what is it about JoJo that you like?"
Robby gives some ridiculous, generic answer about a light she exudes or something.
Robby gets really sappy, really quickly.
What's worse, Robby basically crying or Jordan making everyone in JoJo's family wear a ridiculous hat?
JoJo talks to her brothers about Robby. They have zero problem with the fact that she's dating multiple men now that it's her (although they took huge issue with Ben last season). They tell J that they think Robby is a great guy. Blah blah. clearly buying his BS.
Robby has a good convo with J's mom, telling her that JoJo is the Queen of his Heart.
Robby is very dead-set on asking both JoJo's father AND MOTHER (which I respect) for her hand in marriage.
Her dad cries, her mom is very touched.
Clearly they like him more.
Too bad JoJo doesn't.
The family thinks Robby is a better fit because he is clearly more ready for marriage. JoJo is unhappy. She wants her family to like her man, Jordan. Jordan, she learns, did not ask J's parents/father for her hand.
She immediately starts balling.
"I'll always wonder 'what-if' if I choose either of them?"
"What if I could've been more famous if I married Jordan?"
Also, side note: the music in tonight's episode is fucking ridiculous.
They're in Phuket, Thailand.
At this point J is literally going to have to say "fuck it" because it honestly does not matter who she chooses at this point.
Next, we move into the final one-on-one dates. The first goes to Robby. They spend the first part of the date making out. They frolic on the beach, they kiss underwater, etc.
Robby has the MOST punch-able face.
Then again, so does Jordan.
Is the winner going to be who has the LEAST punch-able face?
Robby talks about their future and having kids and cooking burnt meatloaf.
This is the speech every guy gives when they are trying to get laid.
Robby's already gotten laid, so I guess this is his "please marry me" ploy.
And drinking Sauvignon Blanc? come on, we all know Pinot Grigio is way better, Robby. GET WITH IT.
They go on to their dinner portion and JoJo assures Robby she does not "have a doubt" with him.
So it's obviously going to be him, right?
He then gives her gifts of photos between the two of them. who took those?
"This is when the fireworks went off in each other's hearts!" she says.
OH PLEASE.
Is everyone on this show a total fucking SAP?
I miss Chad.
Robby is soooo corny.
"I see a lifetime with Robby. I can see myself saying yes to him when he is down on one knee," she claims.
So...this is over? Just end the show now?
NOT LIKELY. We have another hour, and an after-the-final-rose peeps!
Let us move on to Jordan's date.
Eugh.
They go on some pirate ship, drink wine, and makeout.
JoJo is excited to see Jordan but she is also "anxious."
"Today's like, such a big day," she tells Jordan.
No pressure, buddy.
She apparently cannot stop thinking about why Jordan didn't ask for anyone in her family for her hand in marriage. Such a big gesture in her opinion. Doesn't she realize the situation she's put him in? They are on a reality dating show. Maybe he didn't know how to handle that...?
Why am I defended Jordan?
Jordan tells her that he did not ask because he always imagined as he was growing up that the conversation would go so differently, and when he was in the moment he didn't want to ask if he was unsure of her feelings...or some BS like that.
I mean, I get it. I get why he didn't.
She's upset because he said he would.
This is the only thing stopping her from choosing him?
Oh, please.
I'm so over this "conflict-with-Jordan" plotline.
JoJo has no idea what he's talking about. Neither do I.
He's saying he would be on one knee in a heartbeat if it was totally up to him. But because he is unsure of her feelings, he can't be on one knee?
IDK.
I get that he wants assurance that he is the one for her before he gets on one knee. I get that asking someone to marry you is serious. What I don't get is why suddenly he values this so much. If you valued marriage, why are you ON THIS SHOW?
"I have all these doubts," she says.
All signs are pointing to her choosing Robby.
But do we believe that?
JoJo is scared, again.
Jordan claims he only wants to be on one knee once in his life.
So he will manipulate JoJo into thinking he loves her without a doubt when he proposes to her?
So she will have a sense that he is more serious about her than Robby is BECAUSE he is unsure?
This is all very confusing.
Like a Trump speech.
Jordan is goooooood. That's all I have to say.
He knows how to play her, and how to get her.
He knew he couldn't beat Robby's corny ass, so he took the opposite approach, being genuine to a fault.
So when he DOES get on one knee she'll know how absolutely serious he is, and will have to choose him. And if not, hey, he'll be the next bachelor.
Win, win for him.
It comes time to pick out "the ring." Robby writes her a sappy note, of course. He then picks out this hugely gaudy ring. Although it would probably look good on her.
Jordan, meanwhile, is thinking about a lot on his balcony, sans shirt.
He decides he needs to call JoJo's parents.
BTW, Did you know JoJo's dad's name is Joe?
Jordan asks the parents if he has their blessing and blah blah. They say yes, of course.
He's really teeing himself up here.
Jordan also decides to write a note.
Gosh, the handwriting on these guys....yikes.
I guess penmanship is not top priority for hot former athletes with floppy hair.
Jordan picks out his ring, which is also a bit large, but less gaudy and ridiculous than Robby's IMO.
Actually, it's totally gorgeous.
Yeeeeeee.
Alright y'all.
Here we go.
Bachelorette JoJo puts her proposal gown on.
She then reads the letter from Jordan aloud, with Jordan's dumb voice over in the back.
Yuck.
They play dramatic music as Robby looks in the mirror with a douchey look on his face.
The letter tells her that he has asked for her parents' hand/blessing, and that he will love her for the rest of his life.
Robby ALSO has a note.
JoJo reads this as well.
Is this a thing?
Do they always do this?
At least Jordan's was letter-style. Robby's looked like it was pulled of a college ruled notebook.
A pink tie, Robby?
Bold.
Who is she going to choose you guys?
I'm going to be mad if it's Jordan.
I'm going to be mad if it's Robby.
I'm just so scared. I'm just so torn.
*sobs*
Robby steps out of the car first. His outfit is totalllllllly ridiculous.
He looks like a character from the Capitol in The Hunger Games.
He is also sweating very badly.
He says "forever love."
COME ON ROBBY.
Forever love?!
You've known her a month!
"I promise I will love you until the day I DIE," Robby claims.
She stops him and promptly begins to cry.
She gives him basically the same exact speech that Ben gave her last season.
"I wanted it to be you. Every day I woke up wanting it to be you," she says, "but for some reason my heart is somewhere else."
Um, cool. Can't wait to see how Jordan reacts to hearing his fiance saying that to the other guy lol.
She just keeps saying "I wanted it to be you."
So weird to say that.
Like this is ON FILM, you realize that, right?
Robby is torn up.
"I've gotta go..." he says... "prepare to be the next bachelor, hopefully, fingers crossed."
JoJo sobs some more.
"I just want you to be happy," Robby tells her, "don't settle."
"My heart is physically hurting right now!" she cries.
Yeah, me too, JoJo. But because all of my organs are shutting down, my brain is turning them off because its mad at me for watching this stupid FUCKING...
show.
So now we all have to act SURPRISED that she's picked Jordan?
They cut dramatically to the live studio audience, who is sitting in dead silence like this is a national tragedy or something.
JoJo's heart is totally broken.
So this is the perfect time for her to quickly proceed into getting engaged.
JoJo manically talks herself out of crying "I am so ready, I love Jordan, I am so ready!"
Whatever you say, sweetheart.
Jordan approaches and gives his speech. JoJo does her best to look neutral.
JoJo tells him that she loves him, finally.
He looks super relieved before getting down on one knee and giving her that ring.
She looks at the ring like
just kidding.
They are screaming happily and kissing, shaking, being boring.
So that's it, y'all.
I hate to say I called it from the beginning...but honestly, I think we all did.
Can't wait to watch After the Final Rose in which JoJo must face her ex, Robby, and her ex, Ben Higgins in the audience.
If you want to read about it, continue on....if not, it's been real y'all!
_________________________________
After the Final Rose
Papi H, says, for the eighth time tonight, "Green Bay Packers Quarterback, Aaron Rodgers".
Papi H summarizes the events of the evening before inviting Robby onstage to re-live his heartbreak. Robby, again, looks like a Hunger Games character.
I'm happy to see my somewhat violent, overly-masculine boyfriend Chad, in the studio audience, though.
Also, can Robby stop calling JoJo "Jo" now?
Chris brings JoJo out to see Robby for the first time since Thailand when she REJECTED HIS ASS.
She has to sit right next to him.
Robby: How are you?
JoJo: Good. How are you?
Robby: Good.
Yup. Great stuff.
Robby's like "I'm just kind of wondering....um...what the fuck, JoJo?"
She tells Robby that she always felt "it" with Jordan.
She tells Robby that she felt more friendship with Jordan that she didn't feel with Robby - which is hilarious because when Wells said that a marriage should be a friendship, she got mad at him and told him passion was everything.
But WHATEVER you need to tell yourself to sleep at night, J.
Papi H and JoJo talk, sending Robby back to the pit of frat boy hell he came from. They chat about the emotions she felt blah blah.
Chris then asks JoJo who she thinks the next bachelor should be. She says "Luke or Chase" the audience cheers for Luke. THEN, from the audience, my boy Chad stands up. JoJo is like "sit down, Chad."
LOL
Then Chad is like "no but for real I think I deserve love."
WHY NOT?
I mean, let's make Chad the next bachelor.
This show isn't even serious anyway. I think it would be ridiculously entertaining!
"Let's see how Bachelor in Paradise goes..." Chris Harrison says diplomatically.
"Eh...let's not," Chad says.
Everyone chuckles.
"You guys should watch tomorrow night, seriously, it's a trainwreck," Papi H says.
HAHAHAHAHAHAH
yesssssssssss
JoJo addresses the rumors and tabloids about Jordan not really loving her blah blah. She says it's been hard on their relationship. Ha. Yeah. This is what happens when you choose a high profile guy on a reality dating show? I'm confused. I get that it sucks for her, but like, sorry don't reallllly feel that bad for you.
Also, just saying, no one wanted her to choose Jordan really...just like no one wanted Andi to choose Josh. I feel like this is practically the same situation as that, and look how that turned out.
I hope I'm wrong. I really do.
Because I do like JoJo. Was she the best, least annoying bachelorette? Eh, probably not/debatable. But I do think she's a sweet person and I loved her on Ben's season, so I hold on to that.
They finally bring Jordan out who acts like a public speaker - and really just sort of takes the mic from J. I mean, once he comes out we don't hear much from her.
Ha.
Great...
Papi is like "let's bring up some of those tabloid headlines..."
lol
"We never understood why this was happening. I can't read this garbage."
Well, some people in America feel like this show is garbage, so I mean you say potato, I say potato, you know.
"We can't wait to go to Chipotle together!"
ok that may be the first REAL thing they said this entire show
Papi asks Jordan about his brother Aaron, but Jordan skillfully avoids answering. Chris Harrison pushes on. JoJo responds, "it's the same situation it was..."
Then Chris finally moves on from this awkwardness.
Why even bring it up?
I can't.
Cringing.
I do not get this hour long show. I'm so over it.
They close the show with a shameless plug for Nemacolin, which is the woodland resort they visited earlier in the season. OK great.
"I LOVE NEMACOLIN!" JoJo shouts happily.
Good for you.
And finally, you better believe I'll be watching Bachelor in Paradise.
Thanks, and so long.
Until next time,
Kaitie
xo
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