Let's get right to it.
Bachelorette JoJo is reeling from her "very tough" week last week in which she did not send Alex or James Taylor home despite probably WANTING to send them both home. I mean, come on. There's no way either of them are winning this thing.
Papi H walks in to greet the guys in their Argentinian hotel room, looking casual in a sweater. He informs them there will be three one-on-ones, and a group date. No more date roses though (except for the group date rose - confusing).
This week is a big deal, apparently, because after this, it's HOMETOWN dates.
The first date card goes to Alex who hasn't had much play time since his two-on-one hero date with Chad a few weeks back. The other guys are relieved that Alex will now SHUT THE FUCK UP about having his one-on-one time with JoJo. Like the rest of them haven't been complaining about anything at all...
They out into the countryside together. It's....not great you guys. They are a little awkward together.
Meanwhile, the others get on their bus to the next location. This is the season of songwriters, apparently. They decide to freestyle rap about Alex's date and it's kind of funny because they drag him pretty hard for being short.
Alex, also, decides to freestyle to JoJo. This must be a hobby within the house.
They seem to be driving for a very long time, and not talking at all. So that's promising.
They finally arrive at an authentic Argentinian ranch where they will be gauchos. NOW I know where the pant style comes from. You guys, The Bachelor/ette has finally taught me a useful lesson. This is very exciting. Alex is really hoping that J feels the way about him the way he feels for her (?) Not really sure how he feels about her as they've barely talked aside from him complaining about Chad.
Speaking of Chad. Everyone follow his snapchat immediately. I think his name is ChadJohnson.
So Alex walks out in his gaucho attire. I don't know why he has to wear this little beret/hat thing yet JoJo doesn't have to. I definitely think she should be wearing the weird hat, too.
Meanwhile, the guys are enjoying their bro-date. I think they should start a boy-band. They spend the time talking about JoJo/Alex and eating questionable meat. Cool. Goodtimes.
Are we supposed to take Alex seriously with that hat?
They watch a gaucho seduce its horse. It's more romantic than any sort of chemistry between JoJo and Alex, that's for sure. Never underestimate a man's love for his horse. This is both sexyyyyyy and creeeeppppy.
Apparently, Alex is a horse whisperer and this turns JoJo on. so now there is chemistry between them, I guess!
I feel like allllll of Alex's clothes are just A LITTLE TOO TIGHT. I mean, I'm not complaining, but good Lord in heaven. He may pop out at any minute.
Meanwhile, the next date card is delivered to the Bachelorette Boys. Jordan gets YET ANOTHER one-on-one date. It's only his second but seems like his thirteenth. He needs to cut his FUCKING hair.
ok.
I'm sorry.
I know you guys all like his hair.
Alex tells JoJo, back during their cocktail hour, that he is fallen for her....and that he fell in love with her the moment he first saw her.
WHAT?!
Also, what lip stick does JoJo wear because she licks her lips CONSTANTLY and it still looks great. Wonder if it's Kylie's lip kit...
She looks super hesitant as to what to say next.
I do feel like Alex may murder her if she sends him home.
Oh. dear.
She just did.
She tries to explain the reasoning as to why she is NOT vibing.
He's clearly pissed off. She walks him out and it's the longest walk ever. Will Alex cry?
J is like, "I have no idea how to do this!"
WELL COME ON. I mean, you had to think about sending people home. It's not all roses and wine, betches. THERE IS HEARTBREAK HERE.
"I don't know what the fuck I'm doing!" she claims.
Hey, don't worry about it. No one knows what the fuck they're doing.
You'd have to be a sociopath to be "good" at this show.
Alex barely says a word, doesn't look her in the eye (very mature), and DOESN'T cry. The producers are probably pissed off - he refuses to talk at all. No sappy outro speech for Alex.
Alex was good-looking, a little dramatic, and definitely not useful to the show. Sorry. I said it.
I just feel bad he had to endure a long day in that ridiculously beautiful beret for NOTHING.
Now it's Jordan's turn to shine. Ah, the framing of their "overcoming all odds" relationship trope continue. I wonder what kind of shit from his past JoJo will bring up with him on this date.
In comparison to their long ass ride in a Jeep through the country, J takes Jordan in a private jet. She takes him to a vineyard where they're going to get wasted AF. But first, they must crush the grapes with their nasty feet after hiking through the vineyard. Yum.
"That feels kind of good!" Jordan says. The FREAK.
So as if this wasn't gross enough they reach their wine glasses into the barrels and scoop out some foot juice - then they fucking DRINK IT LIKE THE SICK FREAKS THEY ARE.
OH BUT WAIT.
There's a strategically placed hot-tub to bop on in to.
Nice.
Meanwhile, the guys back at the hotel talk mad smack about Jordan using his brother's fame to win JoJo's heart. So this means A- they're petty AF B- they're fake because they suck up to Jordan and C- they're insulting JoJo's character and intelligence.
So that's fucking shitty.
"When she looks at him, does she see a husband, or box seats at a football game?"
oh cut the dramatics.
No but really though.
A girl's gotta get her season tickets somehow.
The date card arrives and Chase, James, and Robby are going on the group date.
SERIOUSLY all of these guys look the same LMAO.
I usually am so good with names, but they keep confusing me. Same haircut, same facial hair, same whiney voices. Also, I've had a lot of pino grigio.
"So...who am I going to meeting on your hometown?" JoJo asks, stars in her eyes, hoping that he'll say Aaron, of course. He says everyone but, and tells her Aaron won't be there. He proceeds to tell her that he's not close with Aaron and they've chosen very different paths in life. Jordan has decided to remain close to home/his family.
aka he wasn't as good of a football player as Aaron.
Also, way to drag your brother into the street for all to see ON NATIONAL TELEVISION, Jordan. Damn, that was the only reason JoJo was going to marry you! Now what?!
Talking mad shit.
He says he doesn't even think Aaron knows that Jordan is doing this show.
LOL
So much for those box seats.
Drank his foot juice for nothing.
BUT WAIT
Then he tells her "I am so in love with you"
REALLY?
She responds by making out with him.
To us, she says, "I feel love...I mean, I feel really loved."
OH GOD. She can't even hide the fact that she so clearly loves Jordan. This show is a bore y'all. Throw it in now. Jordan will win this show.
I'm willing to put $50 and my last bottle of wine on that.
Moving on.
Group date time.
The date gets rained out. BOOOOOOOOOO this FUCKING SUCKS.
They're just hanging out in a hotel.
You're trying to tell me they couldn't post-pone ONE DAY?
So instead, JoJo has them all hanging out in her suite where she orders shitty room service food. James Taylor bets the others he can eat the most food of all of them. No one doubts him. But he continues with the play anyway. JoJo dares him to shove as many french fries in his mouth as possible. And it's way too much/really disgusting. Dare I say, grosser than foot/wine juice.
JoJo get on a bit of a power trip, demanding the men massage one another, and then they play charades. She then dares Robby to strip to his underwear and run down the hallway of this 5 star hotel. He looks...very nice. I daresay....in those Calvins.
Also, how DRUNK are they?
When does the orgy begin?
James Taylor decides that Robby is getting too much attention and it's time to end that. So he tells JoJo that Robby was checking out other girls outside of the hotel. Right there. In front of everyone. Well then!
The orgy begins with a little spooning on the bed with J and her three guys, watching the Bachelor: Brazil edition. So meta.
James won't stop with the "Wandering Eye Robby" and it's clearly bugging Drunk Robby. Chase is like, "What's happening?" very confused.
Also, stop all laying on the bed together.
This makes me uncomfortable.
If this were a bachelor with three women - can you even imagine?
I feel like I'm intruding.
Can we just send James Taylor home?
I'm sick of his mansplaining and bitchiness.
Robby and JoJo take some one-on-one time together. Robby talks about his ex - who he SURPRISE just broke up with before the show...........
JoJo is uneasy about this.
Understandably so.
Although she is dating four other guys...so..
Robby drunkenly assures her that he is in this for her, for love, for THE WIN. I mean, the guy in an Olympian. He wants to win.
J takes some time with Chase. How is he still here?
I mean, he's a nice guy. But super neutral. Hey, maybe he's the dark horse. Maybe he'll win?
Can you imagine?
I am always surprised when he gets a full sentence out.
That's bitchy of me, but whatever.
James takes his time with J to talk about their connection. JoJo tries to ask him about hometowns/his family, and he changes the subject...yet again comparing himself to the other guys in the house. "I feel like you have a more physical relationship with them...and our relationship is more...sweet"
Yet again, playing the nice guy angle.
I literally can't.
So what, is he asking her to put out now?
JoJo reassures him that he's a good man/gives him the validation that his sensitive ass needs.
She tells him that she can see him being her husband.
Which is unfortunate because he definitely isn't winning.
It's either him or Chase going home this week y'all.
"I am...very much in the process of falling for you," James says.
LOL
How romantic.
The three men get into a...riveting...conversation about who the "front-runner" is. James says he thinks Luke and Jordan are. This pisses Robby off, in particular. Robby's shirt is ridiculous. Can he please button it at some point? Once again, Chase is just sitting there, trying to comprehend it all.
JoJo is ready to give out the date rose, the only safety rose of the week - and gives it to Robby. Which means she is ready to meet his family, for sure. I guess he was right about being the "front runner" (at least amongst this group). They're all so wasted.
J tells the other two "ok you've got to go now...byyyyyyeeeee"
James spills his drink on the way out whilst hugging her. Awkward.
Ten bucks Robby and JoJo FUCK tonight.
I'm sorry James just bugs me with his whole "nice guy", "kicked puppy" act. Guys like this are so good at making women fall for them out of pity/feel guilty when they don't feel anything back for the guy. Like stop being so self-loathing and "woe-is-me."
I don't feel sorry for him.
And if you do, DON'T.
He put himself in this situation on this reality shwo, and positioned himself as the self-proclaimed nice guy. I don't doubt he's a nice guy, but he needs to cut it out with the cry-baby routine.
I won't be sad if he goes, that's for sure.
Go find a nice girl who is willing to listen to your shit.
(not that I think Robby is a great guy/picture of perfection, let me just say that FYI)
oh god. Do I sound like Chad?
Time for Luke and JoJo's date. She takes him to a horse barn. So they're going to do some riding/playing with horses. Also, his shirt is a little too unbuttoned too.
Also, is he drunk?
Are they always DRUNK?
I'M SORRY BUT I SHIP THEM.
Every time they are together it's just perfect.
If she doesn't pick him to win I'll be sad.
Also, what the hell with the two horse dates?
That seems like a lot to me.
Luke returns from the date. The men are surprised at how short his date was? Luke is like, "uh well I think we're going straight into the rose ceremony."
THE MEN FREAK OUT.
"If JoJo sends me home...it would just be...catastrophic," Chase says.
Whoa, big word.
Also, cut it with the dramatics, dude. This isn't Pompeii.
The Rose Ceremony gets started.
JoJo reminds them that this is hard for her.
Remember, Robby is safely with a rose.
Let's get to it.
1- Luke
2- Jordan
oh, surprise surprise...it's between James and Chase.
3- Chase
Thus, sending dear old James Taylor home.
Not THE James Taylor, but A James Taylor.
Jim says bye to his bros.
J walks him out and they sit to talk for a second.
They have a very tearful goodbye.
HE'LL BE FINE YOU GUYS.
Meanwhile, back inside Chase JUST realized he got a rose.
WELL guys. We have our final four!
Luke, Jordan, Robby, and Chase(?!)
Next week is hometowns and it's going to be a wild ride.
Until then,
Kaitie
xo
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