Betchy Bachelorette Monday: Bachelorette JoJo Week 2

Good evening. 

Bachelorette JoJo kicks of the episode by talking about how hopeful she feels and how crazy this all is. The men are also very excited, in their too-tight for their size shirts. 

The Resident Psycho, Chad, wastes no time making America hate him, and all of the men as well. 

Papi H strolls in with his casual blue button down to give the first group date card which goes to my fave country boy, Luke - as well as Grant, Will, Evan, Daniel, Vinny, Ali, James F, Wells, and Robby. (with a Y, my apologies for spelling it Robbie yesterday)

There is a large crashing sound outside. The men run out to see a limo on fire, exploding in the driveway. Much like my love life.

Casual. 

A fire truck pulls up, and Bachelorette JoJo hops out to extinguish the limo fire. Half of the men become erect and I am very uncomfortable about it. 

At the mansion, Chad decides to do some sort of cross fit I've never heard. He hangs a suitcase from his belt and does some pull ups. The other men rightfully make fun of him. 

Anyways, on to the date. The group date pulls up to the fire academy (on crack I think because it seems very intense). The chief informs them they will be competing to see who is the best firefighter. The winners gets some Qual Time with our girl J. Grant, the firefighter, obviously has a leg up. Did JoJo forget this was his career when she invited him on this date...? I feel like if he doesn't win it'll be pretty questionable.  

Wells, the cute and quirky radio DJ, is not super confident in his abilities claiming he it not as ripped as some of these others machos. Would still totally make out with him though. He becomes a concern as the competition goes on as he looks like he in moments from passing out. 

The chief says 'no go' and makes him take a break. Wells lays back, full of the exhaustion of being the ideal American macho man. J takes some time to sit with him and he manages to charm her in all his nerdy ways. 

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, the guys are all spending some Qual Time bonding (whilst shirtless), writing fun songs about JoJo, as Chad looks on evilly from the side. He isn't a huge fan of the songwriting. In his defense, the song is actually very stupid. 

Back on the date, the chief gives his scores for the top men to compete for J's heart in the firefighting competition - Luke, Grant, and...Wells? 

Whatever. 

The chief puts J on a rooftop and the three men will compete to see who can get to her and "save" her first. 

Our country boy, Luke is actually in the lead. Wells, is as suspected, losing terribly. It becomes neck and neck! 

Full of suspense, you guys. 

Grant proves to be a successful firefighter, and wins. Luke seems very distraught and needs to honestly calm down. It's not that serious. Grant carries her down, a big knife in the heart apparently to all of these men who have known her a literal day. 

Moving on. We go to - guess:

A- a Helicopter

B- a Hot Tub

C- a Rooftop Bar

The correct answer?

If you guessed C, you are correct!

So we're on the rooftop bar. The other men are very, very sad puppies while they watch Grant and JoJo spend some quality time together. Grant and J share a nice, long intimate kiss. Well, as intimate as a kiss can get with all of America watching. 

Meanwhile...

Back at the mansion. 

The next date card comes. Derek, the quiet yet attractive nerd-like one, surprisingly gets the one-on-one date! Not mad about it, y'all. 

Back on the date, JoJo tries to get to know her suitors. She takes some time with Wells, who is exceedingly charming! (just please don't bring an acapella group out) He shows her some pics of his dog *swoon*

Luke, in the mean time, is getting antsy that he's not getting any time with her. He is jealous of the time the other men are getting with her. BUT DON'T WORRY, we know he's going to be a front-runner this season and will PROBABLY get the date rose. 

Also, you can tell she really likes him. 

Texas Forever. 

they make out a bit, yee. 

JoJo decides, though, to give the date rose to Wells, the CHARMING LOSER. 

Luke is whiney about it - super sad. Like pull it together, man. 

ON TO THE ONE-ON-ONE!

Derek is very pumped about having some fun with Jojo. Also, hey, Derek, you have reallllly dreamy blue eyes tbh. J comes and picks him up in her powder blue convertible, and he gets in the passenger seat. You go girl. She tells him they will be deciding their date together. How exciting!

They make decisions on where the date goes next together - but nothing too life changing. This isn't a "choose your own destiny" book or anything. IF ONLY. Those were so fucking fun. 

They end up drinking wine on a picnic blanket overlooking the Golden Gate Bridge. 

Also, how is JoJo so good at dating?

Can she give me some tips???

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, the men are still singing their dumb song which just includes a melodic tune and the repetition of JoJo. Chad sulks off on his own - but is now joined by Canadian/Fellow Psycho, Daniel, who for sure has a crush on Chad as they talk mad smack. What even is Daniel? He reminds me of something other worldly, but I can't put my finger on it. Maybe an actor in a commercial for athlete's foot medication? 

Chad claims these nice guys are actually just being fake. He also uses some sort of protein shake analogy which is just not a safe zone for so many people. "If you blended these guys to make a protein shake...you would have...just like, a protein shake..." 

Okay. Well. Maybe work on that a little. 

The next date card arrives for Jordan, Christian, Nick, James T, Alex, and Chad get the group date. Chase, the hipster, and another guy I can't remember don't get any dates at all. They are sad about it. Resident Psycho Chad tells them it's no big deal. Wells defends his boys, "easy for you to say, your name is on that card!" Chad looks like he can snap at any moment. 

Someone get him a protein shake immediately. 

Back on the date, JoJo and Derek are having a good time. Derek seems like a super safe guy, like the actual only nice guy out of your boyfriend's douchebag friends that he hangs out with - the one no one understands why he's still single. Derek tells J he is afraid of opening up because of his past relationships aka his ex cheated on him. 

Understandable. 

The only way to get over that is to come on a reality TV show, for sure. 

ALSO, he looks like Jim Halpert with black hair and that is very real. 

She gives him a rose of course. 

The group date heads to the ESPN studio. JoJo loves sports, and enlists the help of Sports Nation hosts. The men will be put through a series of challenges to see who is worthy of JoJo. Afterwards they will be power ranked, just like on Sports Nation. If only we all had Max Kellerman and Marcellus Wiley as our wingmen/stand-in brothers, AMIRIGHT ladies??

The first competition is a victory dance-off. LOL can't wait to see what Chad does. 

Spoiler alert. Nothing impressive. 

Next they have to spin their head on a baseball bat and run to J, getting on one knee, pretending to propose. It's all very silly. Chad is NOT A FAN of the silliness. He is very serious about this, and does not like the idea of a fake proposal. Chad simply asks, "Will you marry me?" this does not impress the others. J says she wants "more words", Chad says she is being nag-y. 

oh boy. 

The next round is a "press conference" round. The men are asked 'grilling' questions. And we are all...on the edge...of our seats. 

During the "conference" the men are asked who they think has performed the worst today. Everyone answers with Chad, who grows exceedingly more defensive and angry claiming he is just trying to "keep it real"

Because "keeping it real' has worked for so many. 

Chad calls Jordan an actor and fake. JoJo is confused as to why all of the men are dragging Chad so hard. Really, J, you don't see anything weird about him?

During Chad's interview, he has a bit of a hulk moment and freaks out on the other guys. "Keeping it real." 

Marcellus and Max deliberate and give out the power rankings. 

1- James, the singer songwriter

2- Chad, for his 'honesty'

3- Alex, War Vet

Chad is very mad because he thinks he is the only one being honest in the house. He can't tell JoJo what he loves about her because he doesn't know her. I get that, I do. But, like, this is the Bachelor. This isn't real life, bro. So why you here?????????

They move on to the drink portion of the evening. J says she is ready to pay attention to James - the singer, songwriter. J pulls him aside to talk. He reads her some sort of poem or something that he wrote for her. I guess just a note. He says very nice things. JoJo is very touched by this. They kiss a lil bit. 

JoJo and Chad spend some time together. J appreciates his honesty. She does feel like he's over-compensating for something. She asks him about his past. He says it's been four years since he's dated seriously - that he's been concentrating on himself and work. Then tells her about his beautiful little dog (AWW, CHAD!) that he inherited from his mother...who passed away. 

OH SHIT. OOOOH :( 

He's becoming more likeable and the mother/baby dog things WORKED ON ME. 

They share a cute moment and throw a coin in a wishing well. 

She gives the date rose to James....and I will not lie, I was slightly disappointed she didn't give it to Chad??!? WHO AM I? WHAT HAVE I BECOME?

"He's like a super-villains that falls the main heroine," to quote my sister. 

Like we hate him, and we know it's wrong, but we also want it. We also sort of ship it. 

The rose ceremony is about to begin. The men are gathered, drinking, waiting for JoJo. One person is noticeably missing - Chad. He is waiting for her to get out of the limo outside. They share a few moments, they kiss, then they walk in together. POWER PLAY. 

The guys are NOT PLEASED. Alex really doesn't like him. A group of men decide to confront Chad about his douche bagery. It's the most awkward petty shit I've ever seen. They ask him what his fucking problem is basically and Chad laughs them off - not believing this is real. I don't really believe it either. It's interesting that the guys confronting him are all the guys I put in my season hopefuls list last week...

Do I like Chad now?

I'm so problematic and conflicted. 

Chase is upset that he didn't get a date with JoJo, but doesn't harp on about it. He pulls J aside and plans a little winter getaway for them (with fake snow). It's all very sweet. Chase is the "under the radar" guy that I think we can all appreciate. 

Meanwhile, Chad is stress-eating. Also, he missed his protein shake. The guys are really judging him for eating so much, like so much shaming. 

#LetChadEat

I am Chad. 

Chad is me. 

Also, have NEVER seen food at the rose ceremony cocktail hour before. Is this strictly a Bachelorette thing? Do the women on the Bachelor not get food during cocktail hour? Is this a sexism issue? Or do these buff heads just need their protein?

At least Chad has Daniel, who is clearly in love with him. 

Alex gets a bit of time with JoJo, and Chad comes up to cut in. As if Alex didn't hate this guy enough...

The bros, once again, decide to shame Chad for his eating habits and confront him. Alex calls him an ass hole. "This is like if the carebears surround you and threaten to beat you up," Chad says. LOL

He's not wrong. 

I'm so over this Chad saga. Like, just ignore him. This situation is making all of the other men look so petty and weak AF. Alex decides to CONFRONT CHAD FOR THE THIRD TIME after he hurts Evan's  (the Viagra doctor) feelings. As if Evan is really going to win this show...

This is like every confrontation I've  ever seen at a frat party or a sleazy night club. The threat of violence is "REAL"

Not really. 

They need to chill. Everyone, chill.

Papi H is like...ok it's time to hand out some ROOOOOOOOSES BITCH. 

(ps also how many fucking game shows can Steve Harvey host?)

Let us begin. 

Remember, James T, Wells, and Derek are safe. 

I'm going to let Chad write the rest of this blog.

1- Alex: "She's going to keep Alex around because she doesn't want America to think she hates short people" - Chad 

2- Christian: "Christian, Christian, I don't even know who Christian is. Another short guy." - Chad

3- Robby: Chad has no commentary

4- Luke: YAY MY BOY! 

5- Chase: undercover cutie

6- Jordan: guys I just decided although he is the other Rodgers, his hair is definitely too much

7- Grant: firefighter

8- Ali

9- Ali's eyebrows

9- Daniel: eugh really.

10- James: I FORGOT ABOUT THIS JAMES, I LIKE HIM

11- Nick: ooh, little Saint Nick!

12- Vinny: ew, come on

13- Evan: lives to see another day

14- Chad: DUH, I MEAN COME ON, and the sanctity of the rose and everything it stands for is WORTHLESS NOW (according to the dramatic, Alex)

We say goodbye to Will, one of the James (Bachelor Super Fan...bye) "that's probably for the best, he would've melted if she left him in the sun" - Kellie, and Hozier, sorry I mean the hipster. 

Winners of the night:

Chad - this has officially turned into Chad's season of the Bachelorette

Wells - what a cutie, IMO

Chase - he may have hope to go far, y'all!

Derek - nice job getting that one-on-one

Vinny - there is literally no reason he should be there, so good for him

James T - getting that date rose! moving on up

Losers of the night:

Alex - I think he just generally needed to calm down and confronting someone three times is just trying to get attention and start trouble

Evan - for putting himself in the "victim" light, stop being a whiney baby

Christian - what was with that credits scene with him stripping and getting into a tub?? I was NOT a fan. it was not funny or cute, it was just awkward

James - being a Bachelor super fan will not get you that far in life

Number of times I felt uncomfortable:

7

Number of deli meats Chad consumed:

17

Gallons of sweat produced:

11

Until next time, 

Kaitie

xo

Betchy Bachelorette Monday: Bachelorette JoJo Week 1

HEY EVERYONE! I'M BAAAAAAAAACK.



Can you believe it's the season of artificial love already? This summer we get to experience Bachelorette JoJo aka The Girl Your Boyfriend Would Definitely Leave You For, as she hunts for love. She is healing her broken heart after Ben 2.0 told her he loved her only days before dumping her ass on national TV. Our poor JoJo :(



Never fear, it is your time to shine, Joelle! And don't forget we love you and your antics.



#relatable

We start the episode off with a little recap of Joelle Fletcher aka JoJo's journey of love with Ben Higgins last season on The Bachelor. Our hearts break all over again when JoJo tells Ben she loves him and he says it back and her voice breaks as she asks, "Wh-what?" SOOO SAD. MY HEART. IT BREAKS. How can this be repaired, you ask?!

Give the girl her own season, of course. THANK GOD IT'S NOT CAILA, AMIRIGHT?

Bachelorette JoJo looks out hopefully at the ocean as she sits on a rock, contemplating love and the journey ahead of her.



JoJo rolls up in a beautiful baby blue convertible before meeting with former Bachelorettes, Desi, Kaitlyn, and Ali. They talk betchy things while drinking wine which I personally love. They inform JoJo that she needs to be completely honest with what she's feeling. Our girl, J is ready to find love.

Bring on the limos, please. Can't wait to see these bro's bro it out. Bro-ing for love.



Is it just me or is Papi Harrison more devilishly handsome than he was last season? Is that even possible?

Time to meet some of the men pre-limo. We start with Grant, a firefighter (of course, drools) from San Francisco who just loves to help people (drools more). He says he is ready to fall in love and he hopes that JoJo is the one who "lights his fire."
niiiiiiice pun.



Second, we move to Jordon in that nice gray henley. He looooves sports. ALSO HE IS AARON RODGERS' little brother. DROOOOOOOOOOOLS. He sits in the rain, talking about the sadness of living in the shadow, and compensating by throwing himself into the game. He closed himself off from love (oh no :( ) and now he is in a place where he is ready to find a husband. Um, he's way more attractive than Aaron Rodger's IMO. He hopes he will be JoJo's #1 Draft Pick.
niiiiiiiiiice pun.

Next, we meet Alex, a US Marine who rides a motorcycle and is a total hotttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttie with tattoos and a jawline that won't quit. Is this a character from a $5.99 romantic novel I buy while waiting to get pictures printed at Wal-Mart?? I think yes!!!!

Then we meet James S. whose job description reads "Bachelor Superfan" so this is super promising! He is awfully cute, but definitely a little...well, quirky. Do you have a real job though, James? Just curious. If I meet someone at a bar or a gala (because I go to so many of those) and they ask me what I do for a living can I tell them I'm a "Bachelor Superfan"?

Next we meet Evan from Nashville, a former pastor who now works for the cure of erectile dysfunction. So he's basically the human form of Viagra. Talk about a career change.



Then we meet Eyebrows, I mean Ali. He has a cute dog and is a bartender looking for a nice wife, and a life path of any kind. He calls JoJo the girl of his dreams which is a little hasty since he doesn't actually know her but alright I will allow that to be said for now.

We are then introduced to Christian from L.A. who calls himself "the most motivated guy you'll ever meet" He also calls himself a hardworker and a geek. So basically the perfect catch. He has a rough family past, and RAISES HIS OWN BROTHERS WHO LIVE WITH HIM. OMG CHARMED. I am charmed.

Down on the ranch, we meet Luke. He's a country boy who wears really nice clothes while he releases the fodder to the chickens. FINE. I'll allow this because he looks good doing it. He is also a former war vet. And he's from Texas, which is where our girl J hails from. Could this be a good match? I think yes y'all. It'll be like the perfect country music video.




It's hilarious how these guys are all packed in these limos talking about how JoJo is their "dream girl." They need to honestly chill.

J arrives and this is honestly like a fucking fairy tale I am so excited. Papi H greets her happily, looking dapper in his black suit.

How do I get JoJo's hair?

Anyways.

First man out of the limo is Jordan aka the other Rodgers brother. Nice. They have a nice, normal meeting with DARE I SAY sparks?! I hope so. Crossing my fingers.

Derek, a banker walks out looking slightly like Jim Halpert. Super normal guy, definitely the kind of guy we all HOPE to meet on Tinder but never actually do.

Grant, the firefighter arrives next. He looks a little #lit. Drunk. That is.

Now we meet James F. a boxing club owner. HMMMM. I like his facial structure.

So far none of the men have been too outrageous (dare I say this has been a bit of a snooze fest) and I hope I haven't jinxed myself. Robby walks up with a very odd walk like maybe he's trying to hold in a fart. He is also a former swimmer. He brings a bottle of wine and they drink straight from the bottle. That's my speed, ya feel.

"My mom would like him" she says LOL. never forget.



Limo number 2 arrives!

Alex, the Marine arrives, his muscles barely being held in by his suit. He is very adorable and nervous. J puts his mind at ease and says they will all have a great time, this is going to be fun.

I don't know about all that.

Then this absolute nerd, Will steps out and "accidentally" drops a bunch of notecards on the ground them performs some sort of schtick and it's weird and awkward but he's not too weird so we'll let this "funny" moment slide.

We meet Chad next and he is super over the top. He grabs both her hands and leans into her, breathing deeply, saying how excited he is to meet her. Let's not leave those two alone just yet, okay?

Daniel, a Canadian (as his job description reads) arrives and has clearly killed people before for money.



Ali with the eyebrows walks out with very wide eyes and says he is "Awestruck" J is like "uh I promise I'm normal"

James Taylor a singer-songwriter that I think we are supposed to know (will google after for sure) comes out strumming a guitar. I try not to shake my head, but it's hard. The judgmental nature of myself just goes there.
She's like trying to meet him and talk and he just keeps singing.
He's cute though.
I'll let this slide.

Jonathan, a half-Chinese, half-Scottish walks out in a fucking kilt claiming to have a big dick. J keeps her cool. Jonathan walks in and the other guys are really not having it.

But never fear, things only get weirder from here.




Some weirdo in a Santa outfit walks up claiming to be Saint Nick hailing from the North Pole. She plays along but like what does this guy even look like...? The Canadian is NOT HAPPY, he swears a bit and acts very Canadian, saying "eh" a lot.

Chase, a guy with a fake mustache walks out with a corny AF joke. Snooze button.

Jake, an architect who literally gets three seconds of airtime.  Snooze button x2.

A guy named Sal, brings two blue stress balls and tells J if she feels stressed she can feel free to squeeze his balls. *cringes*



A man with the name Coley (not sure why the "Y" was added) uses a real estate joke to break the ice. Didn't know those even existed.

Brandon, a "hipster" according to his job description tells JoJo he doesn't know why he's here and knows nothing about her. So I suppose THAT is a way to get a girl's attention?

James S., superfan, arrives and says he is very nervous.

the Canadian guy, Daniel, says that JoJo is very lucky...there are a lot of good looking guys here and if he was gay he would be in paradise.

hmmmmm.....



methinks our Canadian friend is a little half in the closet half out, eh?

We start the montage.

The "Serious About JoJo" guys are taking great offense to the guys that are using gimicks. Like this has never been done before and this was such a shock?

Let the montage of weirdness continue.

Nick S. walks up, does the splits, then dances with JoJo. A barber, named Vinny brings a literal piece of toast..? Peter brings a heart pillow and uses a heart joke. Evan, the walking Viagra makes it weird by popping a boner.



jk.

This cutie named Wells walks up saying she is so "out of his league" and brings out an acapella group. I know the other guys are mad about it, but I think it's cute AF.

My initial fave, Christian rides up on a motorcycle. J is excited. He is very charming.

Not to be shown up by a motorcycle. This guy rolls in on a unicorn. Well, I mean, a horse with a fucking horn attached to it, but it's the sentiment that counts right?! We all remember JoJo's arrival last season with her unicorn mask.
OMG IT'S COUNTRY BOY WAR VET LUKE!!! How cute are they?

Shipping it.



With that, all of the men have arrived....

or have they???????????

anyways. J goes in to mingle with the fellas.



The guys are very excited to talk to JoJo as they cannot stop talking about how gorgeous she is. Can you imagine standing in front of like 25 GQ models and trying to coherently speak? JoJo is a stronger woman than I.

Alex grabs JoJo right away. The other guys are not pleased. "Someone had to be the douchebag that steals her first," one says. They make fun of his shorter stature. Alex starts doing pushups and tells her to sit on his back.

Next, Derek, one of my personal faves. Super cute takes her aside and tells her how big of a dork he is. He is very sweaty and nervous.

A lot of guys are talking about how nervous they are to meet JoJo. OK guys, like chill. Have you no game?! She's just a human being. Why are you sweating sooo much?

J is over it and wants them to relax. A part of me thinks they are playing it up a little bit to make her "take care" of them or something by playing the little victim card. Ugh, please. Stop.

Thankfully, Jordan, the other Rodgers brother walks in, cool as a cucumber, ready to learn more about JoJo. I enjoy them, too! She seems to enjoy him, of course, I mean this episode is already framed around him. Like they're holding hands and shit already. He talks about his sporty past, not name dropping his brother once which is very commendable IMO. He says he wishes he would have kissed her and regrets not doing it because of their instant connection.

J handles the night with grace and is making some LOVE CONNECTIONS HOLLLLLA.

Will plays one of my favorite games ever in grade school, the foldable fortune game. No idea what it's actually called. The fortune says he will kiss her. J is like "oh are we doing this?" and he's like "yeah!!!" and they have this really platonic peck and it's like watching a brother and sister kiss on the mouth.

OH WAIT. Here comes hero boy, Jordan. He is ready to make his move.

I'm kind of hoping Luke comes busting in on the unicorn to make some drama.

Jordan kisses her, and it's super romantic. Or at least I think it is because the dramatic music begins to play.

"His butt!" she cries as he walks away "oh man, I've got to start doing squats!"
LOL, same girl.

Papi H brings out the coveted First Impression Rose (FIR) and I still don't know who half of these guys are?!??

Chad has been giving a LOT of commentary about his opinions of the other men throughout the episode. I have a feeling he may be this season's troublemaker. unless she keeps the Canadian serial killer around (which I doubt).

((Also holla, did you guys see that Beauty and the Beast teaser trailer?!?! SO EXCITED.))

Wells has his time with JoJo and the fucking acapella group is still there. It's just all a bit much. I mean, he's cute, but like release these men of their duty please. This is uncomfy for me.

Chad, the shit talker, has some time with J. Don't trust him as far as I can throw him tbh. She likes him though. Don't be fooled, Jojo!!! GUARD YOUR HEART.

OH GOD the serial killer, Daniel aka Canadian takes J aside and there is zero connection and he's really creepy. Probably sloshed.

The drinks are definitely flowing.

And Daniel has had a lot. He'll definitely be fully out of the closet by the end of the night.
Daniel went and poked erectile dysfunction specialist, Evan in the bellybutton (not with his dick, with his finger surprisingly) And for some reason this really freaked Evan out.



Not sure why.

He definitely wants you, Ev. It is revealed that Daniel is wearing a clip on tie that is far too short to be a men's tie. "Let's just get naked!" Daniel says randomly, making it weird.

He might kill someone now.

But first. He strips.

JoJo is like "PUT YOUR CLOTHES BACK ON!"

Daniel jumps into the pool.



These guys are fucking messes. I mean honestly. Men cannot handle their liqour as well as they think they can, OK? This one guy (no idea of his name) wanders into the interview room where JoJo is talking to bring her lemon water, completely incoherent. Vinny, the barber, walks in next to the interview room, ready for some time and tells J that he will never make her beg for love on the bathroom floor. She's very freaked out. Don't blame her. This is frightening.

What is honestly wrong with these people?

Ali tries to turn the tides and plays a beautiful piano solo for our girl, J.

Saint Nick is STILL in costume. J sits on his lap and tells him all she wants for Christmas is to see his face, and SURPRISINGLY he's cute. Who knew?

Who is getting the coveted FIR, you guys???



James Taylor, the singer, pulls J aside and they have some cute moments, both Texans. He stutters a little bit. Nice.

Then my country boy Luke!! FINALLY has some time with J. He brings her some cowgirl boots. REMEMBER HE CAME IN ON A UNICORN OK?

Who is she going to give the rose to?!?

JoJo takes Jordan aside, of COURSE. Ah, I should've known. His hair is incredible by the way.
She, of course, gives him the FIR!!!!!!!
not mad about it.

oh no the jealously begins.........

Chad is particularly unhappy and feels Jordan is not the guy J thinks he is. He feels that Jordan is "putting on a front" OK like you aren't Chad??

I hate to love Chad, alright. He is definitely the guy I pretend I hate but actually find very sexually appealing.

OK sue me I said it!



ugh, you were all thinking it. don't hate me. don't judge me.

It's time for the rose ceremony and I can't fucking wait. I'm sweating almost as much as these guys are.

BUT WAIT.

A limo appears.

who could this be?

Bachelorette JoJo is ready to start giving out the roses. make it rain on those hoes J.

AND THEN AND THEN AND THEN

Jake Fucking Pavelka walks in.

fuck

ugh.



really. we're sinking this low.

he doesn't even go here, get him off the stage, bounce out Jake, like seriously.

Convenient he comes in RIGHT as the roses are being handed out. Are they even trying anymore on this god damn show?

funny how half the guys have no idea who it even is, but Bachelor Super-Fan, James fills them all in on Jake's past.

Apparently, Jake is an old family friend of JoJo's. How convenient, again. Jake is very dramatic and says he has wanted to tell her this for such a long time...and like we're all sweating, me, the boys, America (all of America that is not watching the Cavs game, that is) and Jake is like "I want you to find love"

so uh what.



basically he's just giving her some friendly advice. *ROLLS EYES* what the fuck was this?

Jake needs to seriously MOVE ON from this career path.

Let the hunger games begin:

1- Luke - country boy shake it for me, #TexasForever, #IShipIt
2- Wells - where's the acapella group...? don't they get roses too?
3- James T - C list singer-songwriter
4- Grant - firefighter
5- Derek - aw, cutie! I liked him, nerdy, nervous
6- Christian - YAY! love him too
7- Chad - ok Chad, you can chill out and stop talking mad smack now, you have a rose STFU
8- Chase - no idea who this is I won't lie to you all
9- Alex - Marine, push ups, tight suit
10- Robbie - ex-swimmer
11- Brandon - the HIPSTER? really, J??
12- James F - boxing club owner, I enjoy him
13- Ali - eyebrows, pianist
14 - Saint Nick?? - his name really is Nick, right? (the guys are not pleased with this choice)
15 - Will - awkward first kiss, jokester......
16- James S. - (how many James are there?!) bachelor super-fan, secretly pleased he got a rose
17- Vinny - ew? really. that drunk idiot.
18- Evan - stop your whining Mr. Viagra
 LAST ROSE............WHO IS IT GOING TO BE?
19- Daniel - WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT?! WHY WHY WHY WHYYYYY ew god why. He's literally high and drunk AF.
I can't.
they always choose these crazy idiots last. we should know this by now.

Thus, sending others home including the kilt guy. Must be awkward leaving the show still wearing a kilt and Peter who was honestly a better choice than Daniel. Ugh. God.

Well y'all this is going to be a good season, I can feel it.



Let's make some predictions.

My season hopefuls:

Jordan - former footballer, brother of Aaron Rodgers, winner of the FIR, and the first true kiss of the season. Obviously, there is a serious connection between the two. But let's see how the season unfolds, shall we? I feel like he might be too good to be true.
Luke - country boy, war vet, and all around good guy. Seriously, they would be a Nicholas Sparks book waiting to happen. Plus, he's from Texas! How can you beat that? I am SO HERE FOR IT. SERIOUSLY THIS IS THE MAN I WANT MY DAUGHTER TO MARRY. or me. I would prefer him too.
Christian - I'm telling you, he's a good one. A good head on his shoulders, how could any woman NOT like this guy? I think he'll go far.
Robbie - there seemed to be a lot of focus on the ex-pro swimmer tonight. He's a little under the radar at the same time. These guys generally do well, so we'lls ee.
James T. - the singer-songwriter woos J early on. I do not think he'll win, but do believe he'll go far. Maybe I'm wrong.
Alex - stole JoJo away first, he may be a contender

Losers of the Night:
Kilt Guy - took a risk, failed
Daniel - what a nightmare, absolutely only here for entertainment purposes
Vinny - no reason he should've gotten a rose either
Chad - already setting himself up as the bad boy, not in the mood for your antics, Chad
Will - that awkward first kiss was terrible
Everyone for sweating so terribly (except for Papi H)
Canada

Winners of the Night: 
Jordan - GETTING THAT FIRST KISS and the FIR, dannnng
Saint Nick - who knows how he managed, I'll chalk that up to a W
Wells - acapella game strong

Number of times I felt uncomfortable:
A solid 14

Number of limp dicks Evan cured:
Zero

Number of times these men acted like complete wimps:
47

This'll be fun, peeps :)

Until next time,



Kaitie
xo