RIP Wisdom Teeth

Hello all, and Happy Monday.

Now that the Bachelor is officially over and Sean is official a "star" on Dancing with the Stars I can finally talk about something else.

I say we start this new chapter off right and I talk about something very important: myself. What is more important to one's self than their teeth/dental hygiene?

Not much. I daresay.

Like most people, I hate the dentist (you can read a whole blog about it!). Also, like most people, I'm obsessed with teeth. How straight they are, how white they are, making sure they smell nice, etc. etc.

So when someone tells me I have a mouth deformity (aka Wisdom Teeth), I don't take the news lightly.



Seriously, I've been lamenting over this for months. My dentist has been telling me I need to get them removed for almost two years. I choose to ignore her, obviously. My excuse? That wisdom teeth are nothing but a fable...a legend...something that dentists make up in order to get your money. Even as they shoved the creepy x-ray of my mouth in my face (which looks like a creature frmo Alien) with the impacted freak-teeth, I refuse to abide by the common rules.

Low and behold. I finally caved.

My dentist told me that if I don't get my wisdom teeth out that they would have to amputate my mouth off. So that was alarming. (not really)

 this bitch...she doesn't really know the struggle...

The real fear I had was that once my teeth were gone, I would lose any wisdom I may have acquired in these past 21 years of life. Then I googled all the brilliant women that no longer have their wisdom teeth...and I felt a whole lot better!

So we schedule the appointment, my mother and I, for a beautiful Friday morning in March (aka last Friday). I am nervous as a common mouse ready to be tested on because I've never, in my 21 years of intelligent life, had any sort of medical surgery.


My biggest fears (in order of most fear to least) going into a surgery that requires anesthesia:
1- Death
2- Farting without knowing
3- Total mouth paralyzation
4- Peeing my pants
5- Telling my much older doctor that I think he is very attractive for an older man
6- Drooling on my shirt
7- Going 6 hours without eating
8- Waking up in the middle of surgery

So anyways.

They tell me I can't have any alcohol for 24 hours before the surgery which is just a huge problem for me because what else do they expect me to do on a Thursday? Don't they know that Thrusday is trivia night at Applebee's and I like to spend way too much money on vodka flavored juice and get half off apps?
The struggle.



They also tell me I cannot eat or drink anything 6 hours before my surgery. This doesn't seem like it will be a problem because my appointment was scheduled for 10:20 am. To me, this is early. I have no problem waking up at 9:45 and not eating/drinking. It's the whole waiting for an hour to actually get in the surgery that became problematic. Not to mention, the waiting room window looks out at a Wendy's. Their nuggets literally beckon! Of all places that I have to stare at...a Wendy's? The torture. I mean, it was like a mirage in the desert, let me tell you.

 it IS better here

The next set of instructions is to not wear any lip gloss (which was hard because I love getting dolled up for my dentist appointments regularly), not wear any nail polish, and wear a short sleeved shirt. I decided upon wearing leggings as pants and a t-shirt...and I did NOT wear seamless underwear, and they WERE full butt, if you were wondering. And guess what? I liked it. Not a fuck was given.



So anyways. I'm all set to go with my completely empty stomach, clean liver, and leggings. They sit me in the surgery room and take my blood pressure which scares me in itself. Mostly, I am afraid of getting my BP taken because I honestly have no clue what a healthy BP rate is. I know that's sad, but whatever...I'm not a med student.

Then the nurse asks me my weight and height, just making it weird because I don't believe in weighing myself. I make a joke, "However much a baby elephant weighs!" but she doesn't seem to find my funny. Little does she know that inside, I am having a complete breakdown. My parents are in the waiting room and I'm all alone about to get my gums ripped open with a bunch of strangers! All I wanted was mommy, daddy, a pillow, and some chicken nuggets.

Finally, after what seems like hours of waiting, my doctor finally comes in, acting all happy because he's a doctor that he makes 2,000 bucks every time he does one of these things (which is about 20 times a day..you do the math). I'd be one Happy-Henry myself! So my doctor is happy to see me. Meanwhile, I'm about ready to just pass out because the BP thing is still on my arm and I'm feeling light headed.

The doctor starts looking for a vein to put the needle for the anesthesia in and I obviously look away because needles freak me out, much like they freak 98% of people out, I'm sure. Besides heroin addicts and all that.

Now, at this point I fall into a deep, sleeping beauty like sleep in which I remember absolutely nothing. Actually, if you think about it, anesthesia is a great, great thing. I wish that I could have anesthesia for all sorts of things like:

1- Waiting at the DMV
2- Waiting to get an oil change
3- In any sort of waiting room, period.
4- Every time I am at the dentist
5- Economics class
6- Trying to sleep at night with my thunderous neighbors above me
7- Waiting for my friends to get done drinking as I sit, bored as the DD
8- Jury duty (not really..that would be wrong..)

I think anesthesia is a beautiful tool that should be used more often in society.
I endorse.

Back to the teeth...

So, the next thing I know I'm being woken up and led to a 'recovery room' in which I sit next to two women who look even more cracked out than I think I am. All I seem to capable of thinking of is a Frostry from that Wendy's across the street and the disgusting gauze that is stuffed into my mouth.

The lady next to me starts talking, but I can't understand her. I assume it's about the comfort of the chairs we were sitting in because those chairs were awfully comfy. I see my doctor walk by and immediately sit up. I don't know why, maybe it's because I think he's kind of hot for an old guy.

Because, clearly, the best time to pick up attractive, older doctors is when you're stoned, wearing seamed underwear with leggings, and have bloody gauze hanging out of your mouth.



He pats me on the head and asks how I'm doing and I suddenly feel like Cindy Lou-Hoo.

I don't remember what I said but I remember giving him a 'thumbs up'. Unforuntely, for me, this is my idea of flirting regularly so this action cannot be blamed on my buzzed out state.

To make matters worse, he was drinking a Mountain Dew and I do remember what I said then...and so eloquently.. "I like Mountain Dew."

"You should get one!" he tells me.

"I want a Frosty," I reply.




Yeah, so basically this must have been an indicator that I was "good to go" so they released me to mother, who led me to an elevator full of people that I just sort of smiled at with my disgusting, torn apart, no longer wise mouth.

I pray to God there was no one I know on that elevator...and if there was...and if you're reading this blog...sorry.

The rest of my weekend consisted mostly of me demanding more Frosties from Wendy's, popping Vicodin like it was totally normal, and watching a whole lot of 'Veronica Mars'.

Was it terrible?
Not really.

Sure, my mouth feels absolutely awful and my cheeks look about three times their normal size...but I must say, it is quite the weight lifted off of my shoulders.

I am worried, however, that I have lost some of my wisdom. I seem to be unable to speak correct words the past few days. Just today I asked my roommate what she was learning about in her book. She tells me, "Universal and accessible design" and I reply, "You lost me at universable."



Also, I no longer know what the word 'prohibit' means.

And, I knocked over a whole aisle of soup at Wal-Mart today.

Not sure if this has anything to do with my new lack of wisdom (teeth) or the newfound appreciation I have for Vicodin.

All I know is this whole "soft food" thing is getting really old, really fast.

For those of you who are getting your wisdom teeth out, I recommend eating so much hard  and spciy food the day before...crackers, chips, chicken fingers, burgers, salsa, tacos, cereal...eat it all. Because as much as people say how awesome it is to eat ice cream and milkshakes...it's really not that great after about 2 days. Now I know why babies cry so much...they have to eat that mushy food.

And you know, they also poop their pants a lot, so I'm sure that gets uncomfortable...

Anyways.

Sorry this blogpost was pretty egomaniacal, but I had to share my experience.

Have a lovely week.

Until next time,

Kaitie
xo

p.s. Hungry? Need a Diet Tool? This.





You're welcome!

Betchy Bachelor Monday: The Final Rose

Well, loyal followers, our time to discuss the Bachelor has come to a close.
I cannot stop crying about it.



But let's get started.



The episode starts off basically where we left last week. Sean is looking for a wife, and this is the last time we have to endure hearing about it. We're currently in Thailand, which apparently is very romantic. I don't know about you, but last time I had Thai food, my stomach wasn't feeling so romantic. Just saying.



We start off and we FINALLY get to meet Sean's infamous family, and they do not disappoint. Sean's parents are sweet, loving people, his sister only dresses in watermelon colors, and his niece and nephew are adorable. They're the perfect American family. And they're all blonde, so that's cute.
Seriously, I think they modeled Old Navy commercials after Sean's life!

Sean goes to embrace his 3 year old nephew when his mother asks, "why are we hear?" and the child responds beautifully: "Emily didn't pick you!"  Making it weird. But also very entertaining.



I can't help but think what a pain in the ass a flight to Thailand probably was with those brats.

Unlike the others, Mom seems to be a logical human being and actually questions Sean and why he seems to think THIS, of all things, is the best way to find love. He just tells her the same bull shit he's been telling us all season. She's not buying it. Mom's never do.




First, the family meets Catherine and I actually almost got emotional during the Bachelor. Sean's dad acts all precious and tells Catherine that he already sees her as a daughter--which is even more emotional and makes me feel so much because her father died. So emotional.
Catherine is obviously my favorite for a lot of reasons, mainly because she is smart by default. Anyone would be against Lindsay (sorry Linds fans!)
Plus, Catherine and Sean would make ridiculously good looking babies. You can't pair a blonde football stud and a beautiful Filipina and not produce something magical.



Next, almost immediately after, the family meets Lindsay and within moments she is already annoying me with her dumb mouth. None of us thought she'd make it this far, let's be honest. I mean, come on, that girl who came out of the limo in a wedding dress. I just can't.



"Remember when I showed up like a desperate, drunk sloo? I'M ADORABLE THOUGH!"

Lindsay proceeds to talk to Mom, telling her that she loves Sean because they can talk about "serious subjects". I immediately put on the breaks. When in the world did those two talk, let alone talk abotu serious "subjects"? After telling Sherry (S's Mom) that they talk so much about serious subjects, she goes on to tell Sher that she is a girl with a lot of values....huh! I'm not going to judge here, but I'm also choosing not to say anything.



Sean and his family have a little pow wow and then he walks back to his hotel room because he has a lot to think about, obviously. His shoes seem to be absent for the bulk of the episode, and I can't help but wonder if he just left them at their last fantasy location.

All Sean really wants is "clarity"...which may or may not come. However, this seems to be his keyword for this week's episode so we'll just let him seek that clarity. To seek said clarity, he decides to talk to his already skeptical mother. Sherry doesn't seem pleased. She says she loves the girls a lot but that she is worried that her son is jumping into marriage too soon. To which I say: Thank you, Sherry for MAKING SENSE. His mom starts getting emotional and they take a walk together, Sean is not wearing shoes...and the camera crew awkwardly follows them through the tall Thai plants. I keep hoping an elephant pops out.



Just as soon as I begin thinking this episode will never get going because it's been about forty minutes and nothing has really happened but emotional parents and Lindsay acting like a dumb ass, CHRIS HARRISON COMES ON FROM A LIVE STUDIO LIKE "HEY, HERE I AM!"




Thank God Almighty!!!

Chris lets us know that later on in the live show, Sean will have a surprise...which, if you think about it, is not that surprising. Sean's always got something up his sleeve...that trickster.

The second third of the episode kicks off with the final two dates. Lindsay gets to go first so I decide this is a good time to take a shot of vodka, or four (no just kidding). She shows up, dressed like I did in 7th grade in Abercrombie shorts that show her ass cheeks and a tank top tied up like she's got something to prove. She's just a girl with values, we can't fault her for that.

Sean takes Linds on some dirty river that seperates Thailand and Laos, which is actually pretty cool. When Sean points this out to her she acts really surprised because it turns out, she thought they were in Epcot this entire time!



When Sean sees that Linds clearly didn't know Laos was a country, he says, "Hey, look at those mountains." So she looks there, happily, mouth agape.

At one point they are both pretending to wear binoculars or something weird with their hands and laughing like this is a fun activity.

If my boyfriend thought that was entertaining, I'd jump out of that boat and swim to Laos right away.

Later once they are off the "raft" as Linds calls it, they sit and of course are drinking some champagne and talking. Before Sean leaves for the night, Linds pulls him in and tells him she loves him to which he replies, "Awe, I know." Which is probably my worst nightmare besides being forced to attend a Blue Man Group concert or being locked in a dark church alone.
They kiss one last time and my Bachelor Spirit Guides and I cringe because it's just so gross the way these two kiss. It's like they're actually sucking one another's lips off, and not in the fun way.


(this is a big deal I even googled this because I really am terrified..)

Lindsay actually states: "Kissing is his only way of expressing himself to me"



That sounds healthy.

At this point I'm very where-the-hell-is-Chris-Harrison?


But then we go to Catherine and Sean's date aka the Elephant date.

Sean takes Cat to ride an elephant bareback, which is kind of weird and exciting all at the same time. Once again, I become emotional when Cat and Sean are talking/together. Later in the night before he leaves her and kisses her for the last time, they spend a moment embracing and you can actually hear their hearts beating...which sounds romantic, but it's actually very scary and weird.

I found myself breaking out into hives from anxiety over it because I thought someone might kill someone.

Cat finally tells Sean she loves him and is waiting for some kind of reciprocation...which he doesn't give. She promptly begins freaking out, which while is very nerve-racking for us audience members, shows that she actually has human emotion and can express her feelings unlike Lindsay who just sucks his mouth.

Sean begins to "think" about everything in one of his ever present v-necks.

Next scene, he is still talking, the v-neck is off and he's now lotioning his practically naked body.




Oh, how I'll miss it.




So as Sean is lotioning his body we get a view of the beautiful Thai morning and along those lines I ask myself...WHERE ARE THEY RIGHT NOW? Like, what is this decor...?

Did the Bachelor just decide to build some weird commune in Thailand?
Seriously, there are no other guests at this hotel and elephants frolicking about.

I don't know.

He goes to pick out this huge ass rock which is worth more than my soul, probably.

Sean then begins crying about how hard this all is at 9:26 pm, and doesn't really stop crying until 10:10 pm.

Sean takes his place on the ugly altar/proposal dock thing which literally looks like a nightmare. There are some sort of thorny design thingies coming out of the ground...which is...romantic.



They cut to Catherine and Lindsay getting ready for the day. Both women must've been told to wear ugly sparkle dresses from Zenon, Girl of the 21st Century. Cat is in gold, Linds is in silver.

Just saying.



Just as tension is builing and Sean begins breathing heavily amongst the thorn branches, they cut back to the live studio audience and Chris Harrison interviews the irrelevants from the crowd before asking former contestants Lesley, Jackie, AshLee, and Sarah who they think is going to win.

Lesley says Catherine because "She is smart" (not a dumbass like Linds)
Sarah is very diplomatic in her answer but ultimately decides Lindsay will be his choice.
AshLee takes a moment to admit that she understands she acted like a lunatic this season before saying that Lindsay should be the one Sean picks.
Cute, little Jackie who we all forgot existed tells us she thinks both girls are "great" but that Lindsay will probably win...she is also very nervous about the letter.

FINALLY, it's like 9:45 and time for Sean to "make his decision". As if we haven't waited long enough, somehow they manage to draw out the anticipation.

OMG THE ANXIETY!!!



Oh, hey! Chris Harrison is back! He decided to fly all the way to Thailand just to walk the girls half a mile to Sean on his altar, apparently.

Lindsay arrives first, and she is feeling good. She thinks she has it in the bag. She's saying shit like, "Today is my engagement day!" "Today is the happiest day of my life!"



Alright..

Chris greets Linds at her SUV and walks her metaphorically to her destiny. Linds walks up to Sean and he takes her hands, smiling. We're all very "oh shit, he's going to pick her!! UGH."

He begins saying all these nice things and even tells her he loves her...
which probably wasn't good considering moments later he sighed and goes "uhh...but..."

Lindsay's dumb smile fades and her face completely crumples.



Despite the fact that I don't like her, she is just so dumb...but she is also sweet in many ways and seeing her that upset really did make me sad. I think you'd have to be kind of soulless not to feel sorry for her. She honestly thought Sean was the love of her life. She's also 24 and jobless so that factors in.

But anyways.

Sean tells her that he is so sorry and this is "so hard" and he feels "so bad". He can't give her a solid reason beyond the fact that Catherine won by "a sliver"...how nice.

Lindsay is very hurt and steps away, trying to keep herself together. She tells him to "stop". I don't blame her. At that point, I would've jumped in that river and swam far, far away.

There is nothing I can imagine more mortifying than being rejected like that on television.

But...

you did sign up for it.

Linds kicks off her heels, literally. (she's very fuck-this-shit at this point) Sean walks her back to the SUV to Chris, who helps her in. My only consolation in this situation would obviously be Chris Harrison...but he says nothing to her. It would probably feel like the way Regina felt after Gretchen and Karen told her she could no longer sit with them at the lunch table...and not even Cady Heron comes to your defense.

Ouch.



Lindsay promptly begins crying, understandably, in the car. She is completely blindsided and basically whines that her life is basically over and this "always happens to her".

GIRL, You are 24 years old.

You need to calm down. You've got a lot of time to worry about that.

Chris walks up to Sean, pats him on the back and tells him how hard he knows this must be. And also, "oh hey, here's a letter from Catherine...bye."

The music gets serious and dramatic as Sean opens the mystery letter from Catherine.

He is so pale and shaky, I'm thinking that he got denied and the vines are indeed going to engulf him and pull him down to hell.

BUT...

Then we cut back to the studio audience.

Let me tell you, no one is more upset about such a cliffhanger of love as a TV studio full of women. They even showed one woman mouthing a very dramatic: "What the fuck?"

Seriously, where do they find these people?

I myself am pretty shocked they cut to yet another commercial break and start screaming about my frustrations. I can't help but feel a sick satisfaction at being the most disturbingly annoying person in my apartment building for once. The guys above me yell about sports, I yell about the Bachelor cliffhangers.

The commercial FINALLY ends and Sean reads Cat's note aloud. Phew, turns out she is just telling him how much she loves him. What a relief.



Guess we freaked out ALL SEASON for nothing with those stupid teasers...

Chris, as usual, meets Cat at the car and metaphorically walks her down the aisle.

Sean smiles brightly when he sees her and takes her hands, starting off basically the same way he started with Lindsay (there's no way of knowing!) He tells her he loves her and then gets on one knee.

Catherine begins freaking out as any human would as Sean pulls out the beautiful rock send from the mythical gods. He opens the case and "Neil Lane" is "discretely" product placed on the box, (WINK!)

She obviously accepts and he slips the ring on, which fits her pretty loosely, making me wonder if choosing her really was a last minute decision.



We were all thinking it.

Then, of course, an elephant picks them up from the altar of love. This time, the elephant has a saddle...so that was nice.



I'm very emotionally happy about all of this. Honestly. I didn't think I'd get emotional about something like this, but I did...and I cannot believe it.

But wait, it's NOT over!

Next we go to After the Final Rose.
All you really need to know about this is Chris Harrison hosted it beautifully, Sean comes out like "Oh, hey! It's me! Sean Lowe (WINK! CHARM!)"
Lindsay was hurt but is happy for them now.
Catherine and Sean are still together, and planning their wedding. They're simply giddy...you know the type. They DEFINITELY will be registered at multiple stores, causing mass confusion, because that is who Sean is.
They announce the big "secret" (which I thought was Sean being on Dancing with the Stars...I was wrong). All it was is that they plan on airing the wedding on abc soon. Like woopdeedoo. I would air my wedding on abc, too, if I could. There is nothing shocking or groundbreaking about this.
Chris says, if they want, he can perform the ceremony right now because he is ordained. He is such a minister of love.
Finally, the last part of the finale commences and we find out who is going to be the next Bachelorette.....

The winner is....

"Fan Favorite" Dez.



Sigh. No one is surprised since E! leaked the story four days ago. THANKS A LOT, YOU JERKS.

Honestly, yeah Dez is sweet and all...but I can only imagine what a snooze fest her season is going to be. Plus, now she's all big headed because she was seen as "America's Favorite". Not sure who they surveyed there, but whatever.

I guess I'll just have to do a Bachelorette blog this summer ;)

Ultimately, my first Bachelor experience has taught me a lot of things...such as:
a: I would hate to be the second to last girl who didn't get picked, but I would hate to be the last girl even more. Can you imagine what happens when you DO get married? In the back of your mind, during every fight you'd be thinking...or maybe even say aloud: "Well maybe you should've picked LINDSAY THEN!!" Like, just bad.
b: Roses mean a lot to certain people
c: you aren't allowed to tell people you love them even if they tell you they do first
d: The best dates you can go on are competitive group dates in which you fight to the death for a man's affection against other women




No but really. I know I talk a lot of crap about the show and Sean and the girls, but there is a reason we all watch and enjoy it, right? It's not just to see who he picks in the end, but to hope in some way that they will work it out. Seeing "love" unfold in front of our eyes is always kind of fun and makes us feel bubbly.

Whether it was rolling my eyes at AshLee's craziness, yelling at Sean for his awkward dates, making devil jokes about Tierra, or crying a bit when Sarah got sent home...I had a good time watching this show. Maybe that's all that matters.

I hope you did too, and I hope you continue to read my blog every week even though I won't be betching as much.



Until next time,
Kaitie

xo

Betchy Bachelor Monday: Part X

Good evening all. Happy Monday.



Tonight, America was subjected to "The Women Tell All" special of The Bachelor, which could also have been called "The Tierra Show". Are you panicking? Because I am.

Chris Harrison starts off by talking about what a "record breaking" season this has been thusfar. Obviously, this is because of me and my blog. I know, I know. There aren't many bachelor blogs out there. Thank God you found mine...



Chris introduces the ladies (mostly all of the irrelevant bitches that you forgot were even ever on the show) then says that we'll soon be seeing the enigmatic Tierra. The crowd rightfully boo's and I can't help but think that the women in the audience are just rejected Bachelor contestants--because they are terrible actors. Seriously, those facial expressions from the audience members make my stomach churn. This isn't Jerry Springer, it's a Bachelor reunion special and everyone needs to calm down.

Chris shows a segment of him and Sean crashing some various Bachelor viewing parties across America (or at least in the southern Cal area). Can you imagine if he crashed my and my Bachelor spirit guides' viewing party every week? Sean would be overwhelmed with the smell of brownies, bath and body works candles, and pink wine...not to mention it would be more like a 6 month job review feel for him than a celeb icon feel.

Sean then goes to a sorority house and I can't help but be concerned that all of these girls look like they're about 16 years old. I didn't know high schools had sororities...

They demand Sean take his shirt off and while I enjoy it, I feel slightly icky as well. It's a weird feeling. It's almost the exact same feeling I have when I go out in public without a bra.

The funny part is that Sean acted like he didn't like it, like he was embarassed about taking his shirt off...oh please. We all saw your dick blowing in the wind in week one.




They cut back to Chris in the studio with the ladies, some of them important, most of them, not so  much. Tierra is somewhere backstage, we know. Chris assures the ladies they're going to have plenty of time to talk shit about her...because we haven't heard enough of that all season thusfar. 

Lesley assures everyone "drama is not her thing"...yet she comes on a reality competition for a husband and rolls her eyes dramatically every time the camera is on her in the context of Tierra bashing.




Whatever, bitch. Drama is your thing. Drama is everyone's thing. Unless you're a cowboy or a gangster and have real problems--you have to actually come up with problems to make your life more interesting.

Chris lets the girls talk a little bit of crap about T-Dog (Tierra, not the only black guy from S1 of The Walking Dead) then they show her backstage putting a bunch of perfume on her smelly body. Which was weird.



So Tierra then comes out, probably feeling threatened. Chris sits her down on the couch next to him while all of the girls give her their own versions of the T-Dog stink eye. Here's just a brief overview of their 30 minute discussion....really all you need to know.

Chris: Did you come on this show thinking you'd be "THAT" girl?
Tierra: Yes and no. I have a light.
Chris: Did you feel you were treated unfairly?
Tierra: They judged me because of what I look like...which is beautiful. I feel victimized.
Chris: The girls claimed you always ignored them when they said good morning to you...it's okay if you're mad girls, that was a pretty bitchy thing to do (Regina George voice)
Tierra: Yes, I guess it was pretty bitchy...but I'm not here to make friends. I'm here for the prize...which is the rose...I mean Sean's penis...I mean Sean.
Chris: There's a fine line between making friends and just being friendly...do you have a reason for not even being friendly?
Tierra: They hated me right away because I'm so beautiful.
Chris: Is there anything you want to apologize for?
Tierra: Hmm. No.
Chris: Nothing, nothing you've lied about?
Tierra: (internally: just that you sell drugs) No.
Chris: I'm disappointed in you, Cady....Alright. I guess I'll feed you to the wolves now. Ladies, what do you want to say to Tierra?
[at this point, everyone takes a turn attacking T-Dog. She tries to defend her sparkle, but alas, it is becoming tarnished each and every time one of the women either: a- rolls their eyes b- scoffs c- laughs at her as they try to hold on to any shred of their 'five minutes of fame' that they can..even though they know they cannot be as legendary as Tierra and her Sparkling Stink Eye Eyebrow]

After the attack, Chris cuts to commercial and says "when we return we'll talk about the Battle at St. Croix" LIKE THIS IS SOME KIND OF HISTORICAL FUCKING EVENT.
Um, Chris, do you not have daughters? This sort of thing shouldn't be so exciting to you and I find it hard to believe you actually enjoy this like you seem to.

Back to the interview...
Chris: Did you feel attacked by AshLee?
Tierra: I felt attacked by everyone. I'm the victim. The victim of love.
Chris: How do you feel about the popularity of your eyebrow?
Tierra: Who cares about my eyebrow?! Like, who cares? I don't get it.
Chris: America.
[I think that's a pretty broad generalization, Chris. I could care less about her eyebrows. She could shave them off and I still wouldn't give a shit about her life.]



At the end of the interview, T-Dog drops the bomb that she's engaged...and has been since January...meaning that her fiance [assuming he does exist] actually has watched all of the episodes and still finds her to be dazzling enough to marry.



I won't understand it ever, but at least she found a father for her Yorkshire terrier.

Once the first hour is over and has been consumed entirely by Tierra, Chris brings Sarah to the hot seat and makes her re-live her entire heartbreak over again. Also, we'll show that time you fell a lot rollerblading again, just to make you EVEN MORE DEPRESSED.

With one sentence, Sarah summed up the entire reason she should've never been on the show because she's too good for it anyways: "I think a lot of girls can relate to the 'you're great, but not great for me' excuse from guys." YUP. YUP WE CAN.
I appreciate Sarah not playing the victim card here, as she so could've done because of her disability. No, she managed to bring us all back down to earth and say "yeah I got rejected by a guy, and it's happened before, and I'm not the only one who has...it may not have anything to do with my arm, but it still sucks to be turned away from someone you thought cared about you."
You go, Glen Coco.



Next Chris calls Dez to the couch and everyone is like "wait, who is that?" because this Dez is bangless...so she looks like a totally different person. At least to me. Then I remembered, 'oh yes, remember how your brother fucked everything up for you because he had to 'holla' at Sean?...classic.'

I don't know. Dez keeps on her brave face and talks about how she still thinks Sean made a mistake and how it wasn't meant to be or whatever. I know everyone in America loved her but to me, she just still seems like the type of girl who keeps all their valentines they've ever gotten from first grade on from the boys they like in a special box in her closet. You know the type.

Speaking of creepy stalkers, Chris then calls AshLee up to stage. They pan through the audience as they cheer and I can't help but notice the ONE MALE there...and it's weird because he's old. Like, who's dad got dragged there?

AshLee starts off her interview with a bang, looks like her ombre hair gave her a little more sass. She makes the bold statement that Sean acted like a southern gentleman in front of her and then "acted like a frat boy" in front of the other girls. Please, girl. I know frat boys way less douchey than Sean.
AshLee starts pouring out all of these secrets like how Sean told her "she was the one" and that he didn't "have a connection at all with the other girls"...and basically told her in the fantasy suite that he loved her.



So things got...crazy.



They brought Sean out and had him talk to AshLee right there, in person about the whole thing. I found this annoying, because like, how much time does AshLee really need to speak? It's all she's been doing all fucking season. YOU HAVE SAID ENOUGH, WOMAN. I feel like I can never, as hard as I may try, forget AshLee's nasally, Disney princess voice cooing "Sean is my soulmate" or "I am whole" FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE ON THIS EARTH.



My hell would be spent in the cold rain with someone like AshLee talking to me as I sit in a dentist's office.

When Ash tells Sean what he said, he gets all red and weird, claiming he never said such a thing. It's hard to know who to believe. Ash is so crazy that it's hard to take her seriously, but Sean is getting all awkward, so I assume that maybe he is the one lying.

Fact of the matter is, we won't ever know who was telling the truth. And I don't really care. I hope you don't either.

Cut to Chris, making a face like "woops, this got weird" then he tells us to watch some bloopers.



The outtakes are probably the best part about the entire season. We get to see Chris Harrison swear a lot and we get to see Sean incapable of opening several bottles of alcohol, therefore solidifying the fact that he and I would be a terrible couple. Whew. Dodged a bullet there.



The episode ends with a "look back" on his journey so far with Catherine and Lindsay.

Sean says "When I first met Lindsay in that wedding dress, she scared the crap out of me!" Yeah, us too, Sean.



To wrap up this entire "special episode" I just want to let everyone know that you didn't miss much. Turns out "The Women" didn't have all that much to tell that we didn't already know a- Tierra's crazy b- Dez felt Sean made a mistake c- Sarah was a hurt d- AshLee was taken aback

So thanks for wasting two hours of my life, Chris Harrison.

But what else is new?

Until next time [THE FINALE],
Kaitie

xo

ps: RIP, Magic :(