I cannot stop crying about it.
But let's get started.
The episode starts off basically where we left last week. Sean is looking for a wife, and this is the last time we have to endure hearing about it. We're currently in Thailand, which apparently is very romantic. I don't know about you, but last time I had Thai food, my stomach wasn't feeling so romantic. Just saying.
We start off and we FINALLY get to meet Sean's infamous family, and they do not disappoint. Sean's parents are sweet, loving people, his sister only dresses in watermelon colors, and his niece and nephew are adorable. They're the perfect American family. And they're all blonde, so that's cute.
Seriously, I think they modeled Old Navy commercials after Sean's life!
Sean goes to embrace his 3 year old nephew when his mother asks, "why are we hear?" and the child responds beautifully: "Emily didn't pick you!" Making it weird. But also very entertaining.
I can't help but think what a pain in the ass a flight to Thailand probably was with those brats.
Unlike the others, Mom seems to be a logical human being and actually questions Sean and why he seems to think THIS, of all things, is the best way to find love. He just tells her the same bull shit he's been telling us all season. She's not buying it. Mom's never do.
First, the family meets Catherine and I actually almost got emotional during the Bachelor. Sean's dad acts all precious and tells Catherine that he already sees her as a daughter--which is even more emotional and makes me feel so much because her father died. So emotional.
Catherine is obviously my favorite for a lot of reasons, mainly because she is smart by default. Anyone would be against Lindsay (sorry Linds fans!)
Plus, Catherine and Sean would make ridiculously good looking babies. You can't pair a blonde football stud and a beautiful Filipina and not produce something magical.
Next, almost immediately after, the family meets Lindsay and within moments she is already annoying me with her dumb mouth. None of us thought she'd make it this far, let's be honest. I mean, come on, that girl who came out of the limo in a wedding dress. I just can't.
"Remember when I showed up like a desperate, drunk sloo? I'M ADORABLE THOUGH!"
Lindsay proceeds to talk to Mom, telling her that she loves Sean because they can talk about "serious subjects". I immediately put on the breaks. When in the world did those two talk, let alone talk abotu serious "subjects"? After telling Sherry (S's Mom) that they talk so much about serious subjects, she goes on to tell Sher that she is a girl with a lot of values....huh! I'm not going to judge here, but I'm also choosing not to say anything.
Sean and his family have a little pow wow and then he walks back to his hotel room because he has a lot to think about, obviously. His shoes seem to be absent for the bulk of the episode, and I can't help but wonder if he just left them at their last fantasy location.
All Sean really wants is "clarity"...which may or may not come. However, this seems to be his keyword for this week's episode so we'll just let him seek that clarity. To seek said clarity, he decides to talk to his already skeptical mother. Sherry doesn't seem pleased. She says she loves the girls a lot but that she is worried that her son is jumping into marriage too soon. To which I say: Thank you, Sherry for MAKING SENSE. His mom starts getting emotional and they take a walk together, Sean is not wearing shoes...and the camera crew awkwardly follows them through the tall Thai plants. I keep hoping an elephant pops out.
Just as soon as I begin thinking this episode will never get going because it's been about forty minutes and nothing has really happened but emotional parents and Lindsay acting like a dumb ass, CHRIS HARRISON COMES ON FROM A LIVE STUDIO LIKE "HEY, HERE I AM!"
Thank God Almighty!!!
Chris lets us know that later on in the live show, Sean will have a surprise...which, if you think about it, is not that surprising. Sean's always got something up his sleeve...that trickster.
The second third of the episode kicks off with the final two dates. Lindsay gets to go first so I decide this is a good time to take a shot of vodka, or four (no just kidding). She shows up, dressed like I did in 7th grade in Abercrombie shorts that show her ass cheeks and a tank top tied up like she's got something to prove. She's just a girl with values, we can't fault her for that.
Sean takes Linds on some dirty river that seperates Thailand and Laos, which is actually pretty cool. When Sean points this out to her she acts really surprised because it turns out, she thought they were in Epcot this entire time!
When Sean sees that Linds clearly didn't know Laos was a country, he says, "Hey, look at those mountains." So she looks there, happily, mouth agape.
At one point they are both pretending to wear binoculars or something weird with their hands and laughing like this is a fun activity.
If my boyfriend thought that was entertaining, I'd jump out of that boat and swim to Laos right away.
Later once they are off the "raft" as Linds calls it, they sit and of course are drinking some champagne and talking. Before Sean leaves for the night, Linds pulls him in and tells him she loves him to which he replies, "Awe, I know." Which is probably my worst nightmare besides being forced to attend a Blue Man Group concert or being locked in a dark church alone.
They kiss one last time and my Bachelor Spirit Guides and I cringe because it's just so gross the way these two kiss. It's like they're actually sucking one another's lips off, and not in the fun way.
Lindsay actually states: "Kissing is his only way of expressing himself to me"
That sounds healthy.
At this point I'm very where-the-hell-is-Chris-Harrison?
But then we go to Catherine and Sean's date aka the Elephant date.
Sean takes Cat to ride an elephant bareback, which is kind of weird and exciting all at the same time. Once again, I become emotional when Cat and Sean are talking/together. Later in the night before he leaves her and kisses her for the last time, they spend a moment embracing and you can actually hear their hearts beating...which sounds romantic, but it's actually very scary and weird.
I found myself breaking out into hives from anxiety over it because I thought someone might kill someone.
Cat finally tells Sean she loves him and is waiting for some kind of reciprocation...which he doesn't give. She promptly begins freaking out, which while is very nerve-racking for us audience members, shows that she actually has human emotion and can express her feelings unlike Lindsay who just sucks his mouth.
Sean begins to "think" about everything in one of his ever present v-necks.
Next scene, he is still talking, the v-neck is off and he's now lotioning his practically naked body.
Oh, how I'll miss it.
So as Sean is lotioning his body we get a view of the beautiful Thai morning and along those lines I ask myself...WHERE ARE THEY RIGHT NOW? Like, what is this decor...?
Did the Bachelor just decide to build some weird commune in Thailand?
Seriously, there are no other guests at this hotel and elephants frolicking about.
I don't know.
He goes to pick out this huge ass rock which is worth more than my soul, probably.
Sean then begins crying about how hard this all is at 9:26 pm, and doesn't really stop crying until 10:10 pm.
Sean takes his place on the ugly altar/proposal dock thing which literally looks like a nightmare. There are some sort of thorny design thingies coming out of the ground...which is...romantic.
They cut to Catherine and Lindsay getting ready for the day. Both women must've been told to wear ugly sparkle dresses from Zenon, Girl of the 21st Century. Cat is in gold, Linds is in silver.
Just saying.
Just as tension is builing and Sean begins breathing heavily amongst the thorn branches, they cut back to the live studio audience and Chris Harrison interviews the irrelevants from the crowd before asking former contestants Lesley, Jackie, AshLee, and Sarah who they think is going to win.
Lesley says Catherine because "She is smart" (not a dumbass like Linds)
Sarah is very diplomatic in her answer but ultimately decides Lindsay will be his choice.
AshLee takes a moment to admit that she understands she acted like a lunatic this season before saying that Lindsay should be the one Sean picks.
Cute, little Jackie who we all forgot existed tells us she thinks both girls are "great" but that Lindsay will probably win...she is also very nervous about the letter.
FINALLY, it's like 9:45 and time for Sean to "make his decision". As if we haven't waited long enough, somehow they manage to draw out the anticipation.
OMG THE ANXIETY!!!
Oh, hey! Chris Harrison is back! He decided to fly all the way to Thailand just to walk the girls half a mile to Sean on his altar, apparently.
Lindsay arrives first, and she is feeling good. She thinks she has it in the bag. She's saying shit like, "Today is my engagement day!" "Today is the happiest day of my life!"
Alright..
Chris greets Linds at her SUV and walks her metaphorically to her destiny. Linds walks up to Sean and he takes her hands, smiling. We're all very "oh shit, he's going to pick her!! UGH."
He begins saying all these nice things and even tells her he loves her...
which probably wasn't good considering moments later he sighed and goes "uhh...but..."
Lindsay's dumb smile fades and her face completely crumples.
Despite the fact that I don't like her, she is just so dumb...but she is also sweet in many ways and seeing her that upset really did make me sad. I think you'd have to be kind of soulless not to feel sorry for her. She honestly thought Sean was the love of her life. She's also 24 and jobless so that factors in.
But anyways.
Sean tells her that he is so sorry and this is "so hard" and he feels "so bad". He can't give her a solid reason beyond the fact that Catherine won by "a sliver"...how nice.
Lindsay is very hurt and steps away, trying to keep herself together. She tells him to "stop". I don't blame her. At that point, I would've jumped in that river and swam far, far away.
There is nothing I can imagine more mortifying than being rejected like that on television.
But...
you did sign up for it.
Linds kicks off her heels, literally. (she's very fuck-this-shit at this point) Sean walks her back to the SUV to Chris, who helps her in. My only consolation in this situation would obviously be Chris Harrison...but he says nothing to her. It would probably feel like the way Regina felt after Gretchen and Karen told her she could no longer sit with them at the lunch table...and not even Cady Heron comes to your defense.
Ouch.
Lindsay promptly begins crying, understandably, in the car. She is completely blindsided and basically whines that her life is basically over and this "always happens to her".
GIRL, You are 24 years old.
You need to calm down. You've got a lot of time to worry about that.
Chris walks up to Sean, pats him on the back and tells him how hard he knows this must be. And also, "oh hey, here's a letter from Catherine...bye."
The music gets serious and dramatic as Sean opens the mystery letter from Catherine.
He is so pale and shaky, I'm thinking that he got denied and the vines are indeed going to engulf him and pull him down to hell.
BUT...
Then we cut back to the studio audience.
Let me tell you, no one is more upset about such a cliffhanger of love as a TV studio full of women. They even showed one woman mouthing a very dramatic: "What the fuck?"
Seriously, where do they find these people?
I myself am pretty shocked they cut to yet another commercial break and start screaming about my frustrations. I can't help but feel a sick satisfaction at being the most disturbingly annoying person in my apartment building for once. The guys above me yell about sports, I yell about the Bachelor cliffhangers.
The commercial FINALLY ends and Sean reads Cat's note aloud. Phew, turns out she is just telling him how much she loves him. What a relief.
Guess we freaked out ALL SEASON for nothing with those stupid teasers...
Chris, as usual, meets Cat at the car and metaphorically walks her down the aisle.
Sean smiles brightly when he sees her and takes her hands, starting off basically the same way he started with Lindsay (there's no way of knowing!) He tells her he loves her and then gets on one knee.
Catherine begins freaking out as any human would as Sean pulls out the beautiful rock send from the mythical gods. He opens the case and "Neil Lane" is "discretely" product placed on the box, (WINK!)
She obviously accepts and he slips the ring on, which fits her pretty loosely, making me wonder if choosing her really was a last minute decision.
We were all thinking it.
Then, of course, an elephant picks them up from the altar of love. This time, the elephant has a saddle...so that was nice.
I'm very emotionally happy about all of this. Honestly. I didn't think I'd get emotional about something like this, but I did...and I cannot believe it.
But wait, it's NOT over!
Next we go to After the Final Rose.
All you really need to know about this is Chris Harrison hosted it beautifully, Sean comes out like "Oh, hey! It's me! Sean Lowe (WINK! CHARM!)"
Lindsay was hurt but is happy for them now.
Catherine and Sean are still together, and planning their wedding. They're simply giddy...you know the type. They DEFINITELY will be registered at multiple stores, causing mass confusion, because that is who Sean is.
They announce the big "secret" (which I thought was Sean being on Dancing with the Stars...I was wrong). All it was is that they plan on airing the wedding on abc soon. Like woopdeedoo. I would air my wedding on abc, too, if I could. There is nothing shocking or groundbreaking about this.
Chris says, if they want, he can perform the ceremony right now because he is ordained. He is such a minister of love.
Finally, the last part of the finale commences and we find out who is going to be the next Bachelorette.....
The winner is....
"Fan Favorite" Dez.
Sigh. No one is surprised since E! leaked the story four days ago. THANKS A LOT, YOU JERKS.
Honestly, yeah Dez is sweet and all...but I can only imagine what a snooze fest her season is going to be. Plus, now she's all big headed because she was seen as "America's Favorite". Not sure who they surveyed there, but whatever.
I guess I'll just have to do a Bachelorette blog this summer ;)
Ultimately, my first Bachelor experience has taught me a lot of things...such as:
a: I would hate to be the second to last girl who didn't get picked, but I would hate to be the last girl even more. Can you imagine what happens when you DO get married? In the back of your mind, during every fight you'd be thinking...or maybe even say aloud: "Well maybe you should've picked LINDSAY THEN!!" Like, just bad.
b: Roses mean a lot to certain people
c: you aren't allowed to tell people you love them even if they tell you they do first
d: The best dates you can go on are competitive group dates in which you fight to the death for a man's affection against other women
No but really. I know I talk a lot of crap about the show and Sean and the girls, but there is a reason we all watch and enjoy it, right? It's not just to see who he picks in the end, but to hope in some way that they will work it out. Seeing "love" unfold in front of our eyes is always kind of fun and makes us feel bubbly.
Whether it was rolling my eyes at AshLee's craziness, yelling at Sean for his awkward dates, making devil jokes about Tierra, or crying a bit when Sarah got sent home...I had a good time watching this show. Maybe that's all that matters.
I hope you did too, and I hope you continue to read my blog every week even though I won't be betching as much.
Until next time,
Kaitie
xo
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