I'm having some troubles with change.
By that, I mean now the font is Helvetica. Not as stereotypical as Times News, but kind of like if Times New and Arial got together and had a little, serious baby.
Anyways.
Tonight I want to talk about the process of getting ready for the average college-aged female. I'm talking the All-American college female, not the "I go to Berkeley and don't wear make up or shave my arm pits" kind of girl.
Now, this is not a new idea that women are forever taking longer to get ready than men. It is just a known thing. I am going to explain why this happens.
First off, one must realize that getting ready isn't just slapping on a short skirt and heels, lathering your face in makeup, and calling it a night.
Oh no, no, no. Stop.
It is so much more than that.
It is, for the female, an entire part of the 'going out' experience that is detrimentally important for having a "prime night" as the British say.
I am going to take you through it step by step.
Step 1: "I need a drink"
It is a little after 1 o'clock in the afternoon on a Saturday. You've awoken, eaten some Cheerios, maybe worked out if you're a psycho, and had a nice hangover juice cleanse for the morning.
Now it is time to start again.
This, believe it or not, is a very important stage. It says: "I'm ready to go, let Saturday commence"
Your friend will most likely ask to you, "Are you still drunk?"
In which case you will most likely reply, "I'm not sure, but I ate a banana, so I think I'm good to go."
Step 2: "Let's eat something"
This happens around 4 pm. You've had a few cocktails, but nothing serious. It's time for some food that will count as both lunch and supper. So we must think wisely. (NOTE: Girls on diets don't count in this section...sorry, but good for you! keep up the good work!)
Chipotle is almost always the answer. Panera bread bowls are a close second. McDonalds is for broke bitches like me, and if you're feeling really crazy or have had more than a few cocktails before 4 pm--pasta.
After devouring your face into a pile of food that you know you could never work off in one work out on an elliptical, you are ready for the next step...
Step 3: Nap time
Nap time only counts and makes any sense if you fall asleep when it is still light out and wake up when it is dark.
It feels like a whole new day!
You may wake up feeling like this, but there is no guarantee.
Step 4: Shower
Necessary.
If it is winter or you plan on not getting laid that night, there is no need to shave, so that's good.
Step 5: "I need another drink"
You don't want to make yourself anything too crazy because you still have to do your makeup, beware of that.
Step 6: Turn up the music
You and your friends/roommates take this time to decide which one of you gets to play the nighttime DJ for the evening. It is usually the girl with the best playlist.
Attention--do not EVER let the girl who just went through a break up or fight with her boyfriend to be the DJ for the evening--she will most likely choose Celine Dion, Taylor Swift, and sad Beyonce songs for the rest of the night.
My personal favorite pump up song is "He Loves Me, He Loves U Not" by Dream.
No thank you.
Step 7 interlude: gossip
Step 7: Outfit choice
It is important to give yourself plenty of time to pick out an outfit. You will most likely always change 2-5 times before actually going out, so having an idea of what you want may or may not matter depending on who you are.
For me personally, I go into the night saying, "jeans and cute shirt" or "skirt and tights" or "tank top and skinny jeans". It's important to know these things.
Otherwise, it's like walking into Chipotle and there is no line and you can't decide whether or not you're in the mood for a burrito or a burrito bowl, but you have to make a decision because those Chipotle workers don't have time for YOUR BULLSHIT.
Just like that, there is no time for bull shit.
Pick a rough outfit and make sure if you decide to wear heels that you can commit to those heels for the remainder of the night.
As I always say, don't commit to shoes that you can't handle, bitch.
These are ALMOST never okay..
Step 8 Interlude: Pee.
Step 8: "Can someone mix me a drink?"
Congratulate yourself for narrowing down your outfit choice by having another cocktail.
Step 9: "Can I use your curler?"
The hair portion of the evening is probably the most annoying part of the night.
Because A- your straightener doesn't work, B- you can never curl the back of your own hair, and C- ain't nobody got time for that shit
Unless you have given yourself a proper amount of time to do your hair, this portion of the evening can be very tricky and suspenseful.
There's always that one girl in the group who gets done before everyone else and when you ask why she'll say, "I'm just letting my hair go natural," then she'll flip her ridiculously impressive hair in your face and you'll secretly hate her.
Pay no mind to her.
Your job now is to make sure that you are fully capable of finishing the task at hand.
Step 10 interlude: Pee.
Step 10: More people arrive
At this point, your guests begin to arrive, including men who just don't undersand anything about 'the process' so it becomes just...insane.
At this point, you feel rushed and annoyed.
But it's all so thrilling that you don't even care!
Also, you have to refill your drink at this point
Step 11 interlude: one of the girls in your group has a semi-mental breakdown, saying they cannot go, that they aren't ready to out this soon after the break up, that they feel fat, or are on their period...the women must ban together and convince this girl to stop being a whiny loser.
Step 11: Outfit change
After seeing that you're the only girl in your group wearing a skirt, you decide to change.
Step 12: Makeup Time
Just remember, no one likes a raccoon.
Hopefully you're not buzzed at this point, otherwise, you're screwed.
The time has come.
Step 13: Shot
Enough said.
Step 14 interlude: Pee.
Step 14: Obligatory theme song
Every group has a theme song.
Ours is usually a One Direction one.
Or play Gangnam Style--just to get everyone's blood flowing.
We will have a good time tonight, don't ruin this for me.
Step 15: Unneccessary Facebook/Twitter time
Just because you can, and you want to see what everyone else is up to.
Step 16: Outfit and/or shoe change
It's a rule that at least one person has to change something twenty minutes before you're about to leave.
Step 17: Put the clutch together
ID, PHONE, KEYS, ID, PHONE, KEYS!!! always. And sometimes the following:
Lipgloss, inhaler, gum, flask, tissues, tampon, spermicidal lube.. (joking. kind of..)
Step 18 interlude: Pee.
Step 18: Picture time!
At this point, you're running late. But you just took about 6 hours to get ready and want to document it somehow.
Make sure you get your shoes in the picture, especially if you plan on changing into more comfortable ones before you leave the house.
Guilty, Jean Luc, guilty..
Step 19: SHOT
See step 13
Step 20: "I can't find my ID."
There's always that one ass hole..
Step 21: Final pee time.
Step 22: Perfume/body spray
If you haven't already, please do, thanks.
Step 23: Eat a cupcake.
This might be a personal thing, but 23 is always my favorite step.
Step 24: SHOT
Step 25: Cry about being single
Step 26: Drunk text ex
Step 27: Lights off.
Step 28: Off we go!
____________________
Now see, isn't that just the most interesting thing you've ever read?
There you have it, The Process, the 28 simple steps of how the average female (with apparently a lot of free time on a Saturday..) operates before she is therefore prepared to go out on the town.
Obviously, there are varations.
However, the peeing ratio is almost always accurate to this process.
Until next time,
Kaitie
xo
