Betchy Bachelor Monday: Episode 4

Hello, beautiful people.





We're going to cut out a lot of bull shit this week, so here we go.
And let me tell you: this week the girls are thirsty as ever.

We start the episode off with Bachelor Juan Pablo being adorable with his daughter, Camila, talking about how sad he will be to leave her. Next, Chris Harrison shows up looking casually handsome in a classic flannel. He tells the women that they will be going to Seoul. Every reaction is the same: "OMG YAYYYY"



Let me tell you, I've never seen anyone get so absolutely ecstatic to go to South Korea than I have with this group of women. The only place that I can think of that would be more exciting to go to than South Korea is probably North Korea.



Can you even imagine?

So the cast of the Bachelor arrives in South Korea and they are all very thrilled to be there.
"I can think of nothing more exciting than going to South Korea!" to which South Korea says, "No, thank you."

Anyways. Bachelor Juan Pablo is lost on the streets on Seoul, alone, buying tea and playing games and stuff.

Finally, some of the women are invited on group date number 1.

I think the most appropriate way to sum up with date is to do it with bullet points:
- Nikki the Nurse is not thrilled.
- K-Pop
- JP loves dancing and will make sure everyone loves it too, damnit!
- Cassandra thinks because the date card says "Pop!" it must have something to do with making popcorn or bubble gum...because that is definitely something you can only do in Korea.
- Nikki won't shut up about how much she hates dancing. Hey Nikki! Shut the fuck up and cry me a river.
- What are those pants, JP? Male yoga pants?
- 2NE1, the most famous band in South Korea apparently, takes time to go on the Bachelor and show them how to dance..and they're all like "what did we get ourselves into?"
- Kat thinks she is the best dancer to ever grace the world with her presence
- Oops! Did I just get way into this date? I just danced in my living room without realizing it.
- They perform on a big mall stage for hundreds--I mean thousands?--of people
- Kat thinks these people are here to see her.




After the big date, they go off to do drinks as per usual and Kat decides she wants to take some time for the focus to be on her for once. She sits Juan Pablo down and says that she knows they have so much in common with their dancing, but she also wants him to see a deeper side of her.

Meanwhile, Nikki is throwing major shade Kat's way, and everyone else's way really. She's not afraid to talk shit about whoever comes in her way of Juan Pablo. Nikki is fake, and apparently we're all supposed to be really surprised by this?
Why?
Because she's a children's nurse and we were supposed to believe that she was different and not fake and catty and bitchy? But wait...this is The Bachelor, where women compete for a man's love and affection.
What do you expect?



And she is one of the many reasons that feminists hate this show.

But that doesn't stop her from getting the date rose. Which she does.

I like the bullet point thing...so we'll do that for the one-on-one date too, which goes to Sharleen. Shockingly...(not really because I think JP is obsessed with her)

But before we can go do that, we naturally have to make sure we see a Bachelor Juan Pablo signature shower scene which has nothing to do with whatever plot they think they are coming up with.

Sharleen's Date:
- Walk around, eat weird food


He always wants to feed them

- They sit at a very small table and talk about opera
- He wants her to sing
- She does not want to sing
- He is relentless
- So she sings...
- They suck face again



- She is clearly too intelligent for him
- The Big Q: "How many kids do you want?"...to which she answers honestly that she doesn't want kids. As a reward for her honesty, Bachelor Juan gives her the rose despite the fact that he said the whole point of this show is to find a mother for his daughter.

Ultimately, I have no idea why...but Bachelor JP seems to really like Sharleen. I must admit, there is something different about her than the other girls. She doesn't seem as shallow, honestly. And I think he likes that she seems, for the most part, indifferent to him.

Group Date #2:
- "Let's get krazy in Korea"...Ha. Ha..
- The most awkward karaoke I have ever seen because they couldn't speak the language and didn't know the words to any of the songs...? So, super great choice.
-  Walk around, eat weird food.
- Clare will NOT eat octopus (which, as Alli put it, isn't that weird considering you can go to the Italian restaurant down the street and get octopus any old time)..and Kelly says she is sure that Clare has swallowed bigger things than that in her, to which I couldn't help but laugh



- Paddle boats
- Dead skin on feet being eaten off by fish...super sexy
- I decide that Clare's teeth bother me
- Clare won't get off his dick in any way, shape, or form.
- JP decides, while with Renee, that he will no longer be kissing any of the girls because he doesn't want to set a bad example for his daughter...despite the fact that he has already kissed half a dozen of them
- Lauren tries to kiss him and when he denies her, she cries...making it weird.
- JP gives up his resolution to not kiss any more of the girls when Clare shows her weird witch teeth to him, licks her lips, and says "OMG I CAN'T BELIEVE I ATE OCTOPUS"

Clare would definitely be the evil future-stepmom from The Parent Trap to Camila.

- To which JP says "I know I said I wasn't going to kiss anyone anymore...but Clare is so sexy." With her annoying mouth!? OK NICE BRO!!!!!!
- Although, I must say no more satisfaction could have come to me than when he gave the rose to Andi instead of Clare.



Summation of the date: What a mess. And what a slap in the face. If you're going to be a whore and kiss all these women, at least follow through and don't come up with some bull shit excuse using your daughter as a reason to reject some women.
As my dad is eating dinner in the other room, he sees this and goes, "Why don't these girls just say 'forget it, dude!'?"
I don't know, Dad, I don't know!

After an otherwise uneventful group date, we cut to commercial and come back to the Rose Ceremony. The girls make a pact together that the ones who got a rose will not take up any time with JP that could be otherwise spent with other women. The other women need the time more than they do for any "last chance" desperate pleas for salvation.

As Clare so infuriatingly puts it, "At the end of the day, it's all about him and who makes him happy."


All I see is her annoying mouth, even in this comedic meme.

If that phrase being uttered doesn't make you furious, then please see that red 'x' in the corner and stop reading my blog.

Because that is complete bull shit.

It is not all about him. Even though the show is titled "The Bachelor", that doesn't mean that everyone else's feelings just get pushed to the side. It's definitely not great to build the foundations of a relationship with the idea that "this is all for him."

In my opinion, Bachelor Juan Pablo reminds me of a dumb dog. Which is probably why Kelly likes being there so much.
(P.S. Did Molly come to Seoul, does anyone know?!)

Douche.

Anyways.
The Rose Ceremony.

Clare takes JP to the side, of course. And I cannot honestly stand this girl with her constant lick liping, and lip biting, and teeth showing, and talking to make sound..,

Nikki the Nurse decides that she will break the pact made at the beginning of the ceremony and go for the kill. Even though she has a rose, she wanted time with Juan Pablo. She goes and interupts Clare's time with JP (and I can't decide what is worse: watching Clare's lip licking or enduring Nikki's fakeness with him)

DRAAAAMAAAA.

Before the ceremony begins, Clare decides to confront Nikki about what happened. She says, "You're one way with the girls, and one way with Juan Pablo."
Which, hello, they all are...?
Give me one genuine person in the bunch and I will shit twice and die. Thanks.

To be honest, I wouldn't mind seeing Nikki and Clare fight. And to the death, preferably.

Oops, did I just say that out loud?

Finally, the ceremony arrives and the music gets very tribal and serious and it feels like we're on Survivor Island.

The roses are distributed as follows:
1- Renee
2- Chelsi (who literally pushes the girls out of her way to get to him)
3- Kelly
4- Danielle (who makes it another week without anyone knowing who she is, still)
5- Cassandra (at this point there is a dramatic gong sound that is just all around ridiculous)
6- Allison (who's name is Alli, Juan Pablo...still)
7- Clare (teeth)
8- Kat (dancer)

So Bachelor Juan Pablo sends first grade teacher, Elise and Lauren S. who didn't get a kiss packing. As these women are walking away (as fast as their heels can take them, actually) they have to endure being watched by not only us at home, but by the other women, Juan Pablo, and probably Chris Harrison in the distance. Talk about annoying and embarassing.
Elise is upset, of course. Maybe she shouldn't have spent her only one-on-one time with him talking about how dramatic the other girls are. Just saying.
Lauren S. continues to cry and says she really wished she wouldn't have tried to kiss him. She then proceeds to keel over in pain and cry out dramatically, "I shouldn't have made so many mistakes"

COME ON GIRL!
Beyonce is side-eyeing you right now!
Are you even serious?
You did NOTHING wrong. If anything, this is his fault.



At this point in the episode, I am absolutely livid. Juan Pablo has no principles and goes back on what he says. He has no convictions and I'm not even sure what kind of person he is because he talks to these women like they are children, or something. His condescending "Aww"'s and constant pressuring are really starting to get me heated. And not in the way Clare seems to be getting heated and horny like in the previews for next week's episode.

Besides Juan Pablo pissing me off, and the catty, childish woman who make other women look bad pissing me off, I don't think anything made me more angry this week than the cheesy music.

Seriously, Bachelor people, you need a new music coordinator. And quickly. Because your show is drowning in a soundtrack that sounds similar to music I would hear on a soap opera or like, an ABC family original movie.

I think my father summed up everything I was feeling all night long about this episode when he walked into the room as Lauren S. was crying about how many mistakes she had made...he says to me:

"Kaitie, why do you watch this? This show is bad for women."

And I'll leave you with that.

Until next time,
Kaitie

xo



P.S. Sure, Juan Pablo is sexy...but you need a man who will treat you like this:

And you deserve a love like this:

Betchy Bachelor Monday: Episode 3

Hey everyone!

It's time.



Also, to give some of you proper warning: if you love and value the Bachelor and what it stands for then maybe you shouldn't be reading my blog. Just a heads up.

We start off tonight's episode with the usual speculation on who is going to get the coveted one-on-one date card. Chris Harrison comes out and says that it is hard to believe that they're down to 15 girls already even though it's actually not that hard to believe because these people are awful and should be sent home. Almost as awful as his two-tone blue shirt.



Cassandra, surprisingly (not really after her breakdown last week) gets the date card.
While Cassandra gets ready, they show Bachelor Juan Pablo playing with his daughter Camila and trying to force her to eat her chicken. It's all very charming and adorable, I suppose.

Bachelor Juan picks Cassandra up in some weird Jeep/Boat hybrid to which Cassandra utters the brilliant: "I've never seen a car like this. It looks like a Jeep!"
Well, probably because it is. It's a Jeep Watermobile that looks like the cars from Jurassic Park.





Cassandra, who is only 21, keeps telling us, repeatedly, over...and over...and over again that she has no been a date in 3 WHOLE YEARS since she was 18 years old.
You know what honey? Welcome to the fucking club.
You try finding a guy who wants to take you out to a nice dinner now-a-days at our age. It's not going to happen.

So anyways, JP takes Cassandra through the water on this crazy boat/car thing and they then proceed to go on a yacht. Which hello, why didn't he just pick her up in that and get this thing started off the correct way? As they arrive, they are playing this corny, weird music that sounds like it belongs on the Limited Too playlist.

Cassandra is clearly nervous because she will not stop saying "like" or fake laughing. And it is actually like listening to nails on a chalk board. After playing in the water together, they cook dinner together and Juan Pablo forces her to dance with him after saying "I have to do something to make her more comfortable" (nothing makes me personally feel more comfortable than dancing with one other person in the middle of a kitchen in front of an entire camera crew)...and none of us are that shocked when she turns it into a bump and grind considering a- she's a former NBA dancer and b- she's 21, that's all we know.
And the music is of course cheesy, way too loud, and terrible.

Also, I'm not sure where I read this but someone said that Cassandra being with Bachelor Juan Pablo reminds them of a young woman home for the summer from college who has a fling with her newly single, much older neighbor, slightly creepy neighbor. Which I think is hitting the nail on the head precisely.

Cassandra shows him pictures of her son and Juan shows her a single picture of Camila on his phone and just keeps zooming in on it because I guess that is the only picture he has?
Anyways, it becomes painfully clear that literally the only things these people are in common are their children and their love of dancing.
And you can't build a marriage on Meringue.

Date Summary: Cassandra hasn't been on a date since she was 18, which really isn't all that heartbreaking considering she's 21. To quote JP: "Damn Cassandra is beautiful...but..." she's a child? and "She's beautiful, she's a dancer...and...she's funny..? I like that about her." THEN BAM: AWKWARD KISS.



Meanwhile, back at Bachelor Mansion Elise and Renee bond over Elise's touching story about how her late mother's last wishes were apparently that Elise go on the Bachelor. I think that's kind of weird, but who am I to judge...I guess.

The girls get their group date invitation then and the only ones who don't get to go (who haven't already had one-on-one's) are Chelsi and Elise.

We find out, through the lame date card clue, that they will almost definitely be playing soccer. Which is my worst nightmare, again.

Cut to Bachelor Juan playing on the field of the LA Galaxy, who I am so sure were THRILLED to be featured on an episode of the Bachelor.



"I'm a soccer star!"

The ladies arrive and they begin to put on their cleats and practice a bit. If I were them I would definitely be hitting on those Galaxy soccer players and try to make JP jealous. Two can play THAT came, buddy. Let's see how you like it.

No but anyways.

Juan tells the girls that they will be split into two teams and will play a game of soccer in which he will be the ref. He then says "I can't wait to see these girls play against eachother"
HI. THEY ALREADY ARE! Adding physical competition into this love competition could get really, really ugly. But don't take my word for it. It's not like every other Bachelor in history has done something stupid like this...



They get split into a blue team and a red team. Alli, or as Juan likes to call her Allison, informs us all that she has played soccer her entire life and I'm really actually hoping she kicks Juan's ass.




Kelly (dog lover) and Sharleen (ungrateful opera singer) are probably the least athletic in the bunch. And I can feel their pain and am definitely sympathetic to that. Sharleen keeps getting nailed repeatedly with the ball, in the knee, in the side, and even in the face.



After the grueling soccer match, the girls, of course, put their dresses on and have drinks with Juan Pablo. Bachelor Juan takes Nikki the Nurse aside for some one-on-one time where she gets a finger tap on her head and he tells her "You have something I like. I don't know what it is." ..."Maybe your boobs?"
He actually said that! Not the boob part...but still. Just what every girl wants to hear.
GIVE ME SOMETHING, BRO.

Next, Lawyer Andi and JP share a romantic rendevous at the...concession stand...? Cute. Anyways, they kiss and it's awkawrd and forgettable.

Finally, Sharleen gets her alone time with him and makes things really weird because she just keeps saying "that is a compliment"
Like, yes, bitch. WE KNOW.
We're not idiots. But then again, maybe he is.
Can't you think of anything better to say when he says nice, cheesey things to you?
She tops of their time with a nice tongue-y kiss that looks like something out of a porno.



Andi is shocked and sooo surprised that he is kissing other girls.
I wish someone would turn to her and just straight up ask, "Do you ever watch this show?"

Ultimately, Juan gives the date rose to Nikki the Nurse, who didn't even kiss him during their one on one time...making Sharleen and Andi feel weird and slutty.

Meanwhile, back at Bachelor Mansion, we are still forced to be focused on Elise. She keeps talking about how she cannot wait to have a one-on-one date with Juan and how she is very, very confident that she will be the one he chooses. Blah, blah. Which is why she is so surprised when the date card comes that it actually goes to Chelsie. Chelsi? idk.
Elise is completely heartbroken and gets real catty about it. She begins talking mad shit about Chelsie and how she is immature and "like a baby" and won't be a good mother.
Because talking about how immature and stupid another person is is definitely a mature thing to do.

Bachelor Juan Pablo picks Chelsie up for her date and plays some Venezuelan music that sounds eerily like a recording of himself singing. He proceeds to then sing along and act like a huge dork with her. Chelsie tries to play along and dances in the passenger seat. All I can picture in her head is "Great, how long is this going to be?"

This is when I realize that I have little to no interest in this date and all so I get up to get a snack.

Coming back, suddenly the two are on a bridge about to jump off. I'm not really that surprised because if I were on this show, I'd probably jump off a bridge, too.
Except then I realize they're attached to bungees.
Oh.

So basically, if she doesn't do this terrifying jump with him, he'll send her home because that's not the kind of mother he wants for his daughter.

I'm just kidding, but I mean, really, what a dumb date.

Chelsie really does not want to and she is completely losing her shit, crying, and having a panic attack. Instead of immediately saying "you don't have to do this" or "Come on, let's just go drink champagne and talk" like ANY NORMAL MAN WOULD...Juan just keeps saying "We're in this together. I'm right here." like it's symbolic of their relationship or something. Which, I'm sorry, but it isn't at all. Does trust really have anything to do with it? Should she trust this guy? They've only probably talked twice...The girl doesn't want to jump off a bridge with you...so what? Maybe she just really is afraid of passing out in fear.



Fifteen minutes into her mental breakdown, JP finally says "ok, we don't have to do this" but they finally just end up fucking jumping after all that ridiculous wasted airtime.

They cut back to the Bachelor Mansion where Elise is still acting like a catty cry baby and talking crap about Chelsie, continuing to say how she'll be a bad mother, etc. etc.

To directly counteract against this, we cut back to the date and Bachelor Juan is talking about how he can see Chelsie being a very good mother..probably because she's from Ohio.
At this point, my younger, highly critical sister walks in the room to watch for a few minutes and gives us her commentary.
Chelsie: "This is the best day of my entire life!"
Kellie: "Wow, that's actually really sad."
(Billy Currington!? - what the hell are you doing there - comes out and starts singing)
Kellie: "Oh God, I can't believe this show is real. This is the whitest show ever."
(then she leaves)

After Chelsie and Juan's date, Bachelor Juan decides to show up on the day of the Rose Ceremony in the morning and make the girls breakfast (a last meal...)



Kelly the Dog Lover, comes downstairs to let Molly out and sees Bachelor Juan in the kitchen and she completely freaks out, barely says two words to him, and covers her face with her hand...because God forbid this guy who could potentially be your husband see your true self, with your ugly ass face.

Like come on, really bitch? Pull it together.

Once all the girls are awake, Bachelor Juan gathers them together and pretends he is Chris Harrison (which elicits so many giggles hehe) and informs them that he is cancelling the cocktail party and instead is making it a pool party! So yay! Now instead of getting drunk before potentially facing major rejection in front of millions of viewers at a cocktail party, they can cannon ball their way through their misery!



Oh, for Joy.

Free Spirit Lucy actually is really excited about the pool party.

Kat acts desperate and climbs on JP's shoulders, challenging anyone to a fight, which is kind of annoying. The Dog Lover then says "Kat is acting like a slut".
Oh, Kelly. Aside from your job title, that statement is just one of many reasons you  seem to think you need a reality show to find love.

Sharleen gets more one-on-one time with JP, which not surprisingly, is nothing short of extremely uncomfortable. She begins crying to which I say Stop. Stop crying. STOPPP CRYING. Like most, if not all of the other girls there, Sharleen proves herself to be far too needy.

If you're going on a reality show competition to find love (which is ridiculous anyway) you have to toughen up and not feel like you need attention at all times. I'm sorry, but it's just the way it is. I'm not saying it's right, and I don't blame the girls for getting upset that the guy they like is giving other girls tons of attention...BUT YOU SIGNED UP FOR IT.

Anyways, after her crying spree, Sharleen attacks Juan Pablo with her mouth again and we all have to witness the horror for a second time in one night.

Crazy Clare then starts getting way too emotional, too and acts like a complete basketcase. She runs off to the bathroom and has her breakdown. Renee, of course, is there to comfort her as she has been for all the other girls that have cried like this thusfar.

These girls are dropping like flies.
Seriously, are they always like this? Maybe they have been, but this season just seems worse to me for some reason.

Clare says, and I quote verbatim: "This is really hard for me...because, um, like...I actually really, really like Juan Pablo."
OH SWEETIE.............
Spare me.

She then proceeds to say how scared she is. These girls are so annoying. They all say the same crap over and over again, relentlessly.
"I'm scared! I'm so scared! I'm so so scared! I don't want to go home and have to meet someone like NORMAL PEOPLE!" (sobs)

Clare wants more time with JP, she wants him to ask her out again... you had a date with him last week. Don't you realize what situation you are in? You're on a TV show. JP pulls her aside and is forced to deal with yet another girl breaking down...to which I say: good, you deserve it.
Clare tells him, "It's not a jealousy thing at all. I just...I wish it was me, you know?"
That is the definition of jealousy actually, but okay Clare.

As usual, I am beyond relieved when the Rose Ceremony finally arrives.

The women have all calmed down (I guess) and put on their party dresses. Bachelor JP comes out and starts handing out roses, but first Chris Harrison must let us all know how dire this is.

So he gives out roses:
1- Andi
2- Renee
3- Kelly
4- Sharleen
5- Elise (apprently their eye fucking was enough of a connection to save her another week)
6- Kat
7- Allison (even though her name is ALLI he just keeps calling her Allison)
8- Clare (eugh)
9- Lauren (who is that?)
10- Danielle (no really, who is THAT?!)

Thus sending Free Spirit Lucy (goodbye to all of my joy and entertainment for the remainder of this show) and Christy, whoever the hell that is?!

Christy cries, of course, even though I've maybe seen her for a minute and a half the past 3 weeks. She says the reason she is leaving is because she's not as open as the other girls, which yes, I agree since I don't even know who she is.
Lucy handles it surprisingly well, like a champ, and says she is glad that he kicked her off now before she got too attached. She then proceeds to wish that everyone there finds the happiness they seek.

My thoughts and summation for the week: I feel like there is no possible way you can connect with someone on a truly personal level by only having a few moments with them at a time, or on some cheesey, made-for-TV date that is not realistic in any way. It takes a long time to build a connection and build trust, sorry, but jumping off a bridge with someone on a bungree cord isn't going to make me feel more connected to you. At least to me, I can't imagine falling for someone in a few minutes...and these girls feel the need to compensate by putting their entire sob / life story out there to try and impress him...even when it just doesn't even seem genuine at all.

Also, I can't stand Juan Pablo and his homophobic comments in the news recently. You dropped the ball with this group, ABC, because I no longer even have a favorite and its week 3.

So bye.



Until next time,
Kaitie

xo

Betchy Bachelor Monday: Episode 2

Hey everyone.

It's Betchy Bachelor Monday (Tuesday) time.



Juan Pablo...I am NOT pleased with you this week. Not even a bit.



Let me start off by saying: can you even imagine how much it would suck to actually have to build a connection with someone who was dating 16 other women at the same time? And act like you were okay with it? This is further proof that these women are complete egomaniacs, in a big way.

The episode starts off with Crazy Clare getting the first date card from Bachelor Juan. All of the girls pretend to be really, really excited for her even though it's all total fakeness. In a confessional, Clare tells the camera i.e. us that she is not the type of woman to meet some guy at a bar and she doesn't go out to meet people like that because it doesn't seem real or genuine. Then I actually feel sorry for her that she thinks going on a reality show is a real and genuine way to fall in love. And don't give us this "I'm not a fake person" bull shit when you put on a fake pregnancy belly last week upon first meeting Juan Pablo.
Because that's creepy, you fucking weirdo.
She then proceeds to say: "I'm so excited that this adventure is starting for me!"...and 16 other women.

Anyways. Bachelor Juan picks her up and all of the girls seem super supportive and excited for Crazy Clare. He then blindfolds her which is my worst nightmare.
I made a deal with myself a long time ago that I would never let a man blindfold me in fear that I would wake up HALF DEAD IN A DITCH. But apparently Clare is into it. And maybe I'm really not romantic at all...who knows.

So the date card she got from JP says "let's chill" which can only mean one thing: playing in fake snow. JP and Crazy Clare frolic and she is laughing like she is having the best time playing in fake snow of anyone EVER. Seriously, this girl's giggling is absolutely out of control. She just keeps talking about what a big risk this for her, blah, blah, blah.
Then they start ice skating, which is the worst sport ever...and she keeps almost falling, which she is probably faking. If she's being serious then she is absolutely terrible at ice skating...which I can respect because I have too and it is an awful, awful hobby.
But my money's on that she's faking it and she's using allllll the tricks in the book.



Another great quote by Clare.

The music proceeds to be cheesy as hell and I cannot believe that the producers CONTINUE TO NOT HIRE SOMEONE TO REPRODUCE THESE MUSIC. During this musical interlude we have the token hot tub scene where JP and Clare bond together. Clare opens up to Bachelor Juan about her father and what he meant to her/how he died. And I feel bad for her, really, I do. I don't believe this part of her in ingenuine or anything.
However, as she is telling him all this she is massaging his back in a hot tub with her boobs pressed up against him.
Talk about a boner killer.
Next, Bachelor JP and Clare go and awkwardly dance on a towel in the fake snow to some B-list country singer/snow yeti that could only get a gig doing a Bachelor Hot Tub performance. Clare proceeds to touch Juan a bit more than I personally think is necessary for someone who just met the guy but hey...what do I know about reality love?
Clare and JP kiss and then she tells him that he "tastes like snow" and did you guys know snow had a flavor? Because I didn't. Where do the producers find these fucking people?
By the end of the date, all is well and Juan Pablo gives Crazy Clare the rose of safety.

Meanwhile, back at Bachelor Mansion, the girls are all "bonding" (as love competitors often do). Free Spirit Lucy decides to let it all hang out in the hot tub and none are surprised. (Hint: It's because she's so free) Molly, the dog, runs in with the next date card and I'm hoping the dog's stupid owner stays so that we can see this dog for the weeks to come because it's a very amazing dog.

So Kat, the girl that made sure Bachelor Juan Pablo knew she was a dancer, gets the date card and I'm guessing she will actually have to prove in some way that she is in fact a dancer.

For his second date with the lovely Kat, Bachelor JP takes her on a plane, makes her change into this ridiculous work out outfit and then they land in Salt Lake City and partake in what I can only describe as a rave/5k which actually looks kind of fun except that it's forced.

After the race, there is this concert thing and Kat and Juan go on stage and...dance, of course. And I must say, I'm not all that impressed with Kat's skillz. I think I could maybe even out dance her. And for those of you who don't personally know me or couldn't already guess, I'm very awkward and not at all a good dancer. So take that as you will.



Aside from this giant party, Kat and Juan's date goes on to be quite unmemorable.

After this, the girls get their GROUP DATE INVITES...and group dates are always extremely entertaining. The date card reads "be ready to say cheese" or something stupid like that and Genuis, Dog Lover, Kelly isn't sure if that means they are going to be taking photographs or testing cheeses.

Thank God this girl has a dog to watch over her.
When it becomes clear that they will in fact be going to a photoshoot...with dogs, nonetheless, Kelly absolutely orgasms.

In case you missed that, yes, Bachelor Juan takes his group date of egocentric women to a PHOTOSHOOT. Because that...is an excellent idea...
Someone is bound to lose it.



Lucy tells the girls that she is happy she got asked on a group date, and was actually hoping for it, because she "flourishes" in getting attention in larger groups. And I don't see how she couldn't considering she's always partially naked or insane.

So the dogs are very adorable and everyone is given outfits/costumes to dress up in. Chelsi does Ohio proud by being funny and a trooper with her ridiculous outfit. Free Spirit Lucy is asked to wear a fire hydrant costume. Kelly, ironically, is dressed as a dog and looks like some weird space creature with spots.

And now here in the episode is where I get really pissed off.



Andi and Elise are asked to do a nude photoshoot with Juan Pablo. HELLLLOOOOO.
That's weird.

Of course, lawyer Andi, who probably has to deal with putting creeps who prey on women in jail is now being asked to pose naked in front of millions of viewers? And Elise is a first grade teacher. Naturally, neither of them want to do it. And who can blame them? I sure as hell don't.

Elise manages to switch with Free Spirit Lucy (who has no problem being naked, of course) and poses in the fire hydrant costume instead.

Andi, however, isn't as lucky and proceeds to have a slight freak out...which I don't blame her for. Bachelor Juan sees that she is upset and decides to be a stand up fucking guy and sits her down to discuss. He tells her that he is posing nude with her (which...um, is that supposed to make her feel better?) and that this is for a good cause.

OH OKAY.

So I should abandon whatever principals I have left (after losing most of them for signing up for this dumb, fake show) to help save dogs?

I love dogs more than most, ask anyone...but I would never pose nude for them. There are other ways to show support. I don't get why them being naked was so crucial...and I don't like how Juan Pablo was so nonchalant and nonunderstanding about it. SO WHAT if it's for charity? "IT'S FOR THE DOGS"

You know what? GO FUCK YOURSELF.



Juan Pablo, I am not enthused with you. What kind of message is that sending your young daughter who you love so much? He is such a whore.

Usually it takes me about three episodes to really start disliking the Bachelor, but congrats Juan Pablo, it only took you one and a half episodes to make me dislike you.

Anyways. She ends up doing it, which I'm kind of disappointed about. But also not surprised about.

After all that photoshoot bull shit, Bachelor JP takes the girls up to a rooftop pool where I know someone is bound to jump in. (Bet is on Lucy)

He takes this time to get to know the girls but some girls can't handle not being in the spotlight the whole time and lash out quite a bit.

INTERLUDE: At this point my father walked in the room as my mother and I are watching and goes "How come these people fall in love so fast? Don't people think it's kind of phony?"
Um yes, Dad. No one actually believes this is real.

Oh...
You did?
Sorry.

Don't be dumb.

How could you think this was genuine with THAT CORNY MUSIC?!

Back to the group date...

So 21 year old, former NBA Dancer, Cassandra is nervous to tell Juan that she has a son...which I think is odd considering he has a daughter..? Why would she think he would judge her? It becomes apparent in this scene where she is nervously telling him about her son that she is very obviously only 21 and probably not ready for this.
Also, JP is super, super, SUPER close to her face as she is telling him this. And I'm sorry, once again, maybe I'm not romantic but that is wayyy too close for comfort. I can't even imagine trying to tell someone I barely know something personal and having them all up in my grill in that.
I'm also very self aware of my breath which is why you always see me chewing gum, but what if, like my breath smelled?!

Next, JP talks to Single Mom Renee, and they talk about their kids and peck and it's super boring.

Everyone is wanting that one on one, but no one seems to want it more than Victoria who I didn't even know about until tonight. She wants a date with JP so badly that she takes all of that energy and focuses it on getting compeltely shitfaced on champagne.

She says some pretty fun things like "That's what life is all about...straddling people...and things" and "Hymen Maneuver."

As Victoria is getting more and more plastered, Nikki the Nurse has her one on one time with Juan. Victoria decides to photobomb the date and walks over like a creep before turning away.

Then Bachelor JP does something so annoying and goes "Awe, poor Victoria."

WHAT?! Shut the fuck up, Juan.

So Victoria continues on with her drunken rant and starts yelling at everyone that she wants to go home. It gets to the point where a Bachelor producer gets involved and let me just say he looks nothing like what I would expect a Bachelor producer to look like but instead like some drummer in a metal band.

They clearly need a better screening process for getting these women on this show because Victoria isn't just typically crazy like the rest of them, but like take-a-lock-of-your-hair-while-you-sleep crazy.

 

She just didn't like having to compete with other women for attention, so she snapped. Moral of the story.

So the girls all talk shit about her and make fun of her as this is happening, which whatever, we'd all do it...but then after Bachelor Juan attempts to talk to Victoria he comes out and tells the girls he is worried for her and the girls just completely shift moods.
One minute they're laughing and giggling about how crazy she is, the next they're going "Awwe, yeah, poor thing" in front of Juan.

HELLO, HOW CAN YOU NOT HATE THESE PEOPLE?

For some really weird reason, Bachelor Juan gives Dog Lover Kelly the rose.
Excuse me? Why?

How could you even think to proceed in this "journey of love" with someone who, when people ask what her job is, says she is  A DOG LOVER?!

Whatever, Juan.

The next day Victoria is hungover as shit, and clearly embarassed. She tries to apologize and come up with excuses, saying that she "feels everything very strongly" (which is super attractive to any guy...) but Juan kicks her out because he says that can't have some hot mess around his daughter.

FINALLY, WE ARRIVE AT THE ROSE CEREMONY...THANK GOD.



We need to get some people out of here.

So before the ceremony, Juan takes some time to talk to the girls that he didn't get to take on any dates. Crazy Amy, who is not very memorable, decides to use her time with Juan to interview him..?  and JP uses his catchphrase of the night: "Oooh, okay..."
He then talks to Sharleen, who apologizes for being so ungrateful for the FIR from last week and she actually seems down-to-earth and freaked out by this whole thing, as she should be.

Meanwhile, inside, 21 Year Old Cassandra is having a full on, emotional breakdown. She begins the night by acting like what happened with Victoria will somehow be reflected on her? I don't know, but she's freaking out.
She keeps saying "It's really hard for me...with my son...so..." but doesn't finish the sentence! I guess I don't get it because I don't have a kid...but I really don't get why she is using her son as an excuse? Wasn't she aware of all of this when she signed up?
Has she not watched this show before? (the show probably first premiered when she was 11, but whatever)
OK so she doesn't want to compete with other girls for a husband. Great. So don't join the show. She is 21 years old, and gorgeous. I do not dislike her...but this is not IT FOR HER. You can't go on a reality show for love hoping for the "Real Deal."
It's not gonna happen, honey.
Her whole breakdown further proves just how young she is.

Finally, the ceremony finally takes place.
Juan Pablo calls Cassandra first, so apparently all the crying worked, then Nikki the Nurse, Lawyer Andi, Elise, Sharleen, Single Mom Renee, Danielle (WHO IS THAT, by the way?), Lucy (gag), Allison (thought her name was Alli but apparently Bachelor JP wanted to call her Allison. If a guy ever called me Kaitlin, I'd strangle him and walk away forever), Chelsie, Lauren (who I just remembered is the piano lady), and then Chris Harrison comes out and makes sure we all know that the final rose is about to be given...to which we all say "THANKS CHRIS"
And Bachelor Juan calls.....Christy, whoever that is.
So he sends home Chantel and Amy, the one who interviewed him earlier in the night.
No one is really all that devastated.

What I learned from this episode is that these women are completely clueless when it comes to this situation.
Most of these women have gone their whole lives being "the prettiest girl in the room." They are used to getting men, they are used to getting hit on, and being the center of attention.
And now that they are no longer the only pretty girl in the room, they cannot handle it.
Some REALLY can't handle it and they have breakdowns because of it.

I feel that.
To have to actually compete for one man with a bunch of other really gorgeous women.... it's a nightmare.
My personal nightmare is losing my cable the night Game of Thrones premieres or the Keurig breaking...but some girls consider not having a man's attention all the time as being a horrifying nightmare.
So whatever. To each their own.

Until next time,

Kaitie
xo

Betchy Bachelor Monday: Episode 1, Juan Pablo

Hello friends.

It's that time of year again, the time of Juan Pablo.

BETCHY BACHELOR MONDAY IS BACK Y'ALL. And I'm fiesty as ever.



I'll be writing about episode one, and not that part one, get to know Juan bull shit that was on on Sunday. This is about Monday night's beautiful premiere.

So let's get started.




Let's start with the obvious. The intro. What is with the cheesey music and graphics? This show has been on for four decades now. Don't you think they could afford something less corn-ball?
This year we are introduced to Juan Pablo, also known as Prince Naveen or the central character in every spicy, Latin romance novel ever.
Juan is from Venezuela, a former pro soccer player, and has a cute little daughter named Camila. He claims that he is looking for a good, genuine woman to be his wife and the mother of his child. I don't know about you, but when I am trying to find genuine people to spend my life with...the first thought that occurs to me is to move to L.A. and go on The Bachelor, too.



It doesn't take long for the episode to get rolling. Within minute number two we are finally able to see Juan Pablo without a shirt on. So thanks for that!



Juan introduces himself to us a bit, talking about his life and his quest for love, the usual shit, but mostly about Camila. Is it just me or every time he says his daughter's name does it sound like it was sound chopped in somehow? It just doesn't sound real at all. Like Siri or something.
Maybe that's just me.

As he is talking about his quest, they show him climbing some mountain somewhere, much like Sean the season before. So there is a lot of symbolism here...the main one being: love is a journey, and it is not easy. I appreciate the producers of this show sticking to the routine of letting us know this, because as average human beings we didn't already know.

Next, our very own Bachelor Sean comes to visit Juan and give him some manly advice about surviving through a month and a half of trying to choose a wife from a pool of attractive women. Sean has a sweet moment where he sits on the swingset with Camila adorably before they get to the chase. After that they attempt to have some discussion about how Juan should view this situation, "the journey vs. the adventure". Sean tells Juan to avoid kissing too much to which Bachelor JP says, "wow this is hard, this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.'




Before we can cut to the chase, there has to be a token shower scene with Bachelor JP lathering his naked body in soap. Now I know why my grandmother likes watching the premiere as opposed to the entire season so much.

After the commercial break we cut to Chris Harrison standing in front of Bachelor Mansion talking about how great Juan Pablo is. Chris is look spritely as ever and hasn't changed or aged a bit in the 45 years this show has been on.



We get introduced to some of the girls next in little intro videos (half of which don't even make the cut at the rose ceremony, btw...tricky tricky, ABC..) where we meet Chelsea, the fun loving gal from Columbus, OH (represent!) who likes to roam about and pop her head through trees, Renee, the single mom, who is basically perfect for JP because they are both from Florida and both have kids, Andi the lawyer who rocks a good ombre and seems like she is hiding something, Amy with the bangs who comes rolling in on a bike like "HI I'M AMY! AND I LIKE TO GIVE EROTIC MASSAGES!", Nikki the nurse who seems adorable but also kind of sneaky (like most girls, Nikki is adament about not settling...so going on the Bachelor where you have no choice but to fight for one guy is a great idea), Lauren the mineral coordinator (whatever the fuck that means) tells us her depressing-as-hell story about how her ex-fiance dumped her weeks before her wedding...she then stares sadly at her wedding dress (clearly she is ready for a new relationship), Valerie, the cowgirl/personal trainer who claims "not only am I pretty but I'm not afraid to file my nails and scratch a bitch to death" which isn't alarming at all, Lacy who might actually be an angel, who owns her own nursing home AT 25...Jeez. What have I done? Ya know?, finally we meet Clare, a hairstylist from Sacramento who shares her heartbreaking story about her father dying and recording a DVD for her future husband to watch. That's a hell of a random group, if you ask me.

After that crap, the limos are finally about to arrive!
First out is obviously Bachelor Juan Pablo and I'm pretty sure Chris Harrison has never looked more excited to see someone come out of a limo. You'd think he was the one about to get engaged or something. Then he drops this apparent bombshell that JP will not actually have 25 women to choose from...but 27!!! WHOA.

JP seems overwhelmed, but also like he might have been drinking a little beforehand.

Let's describe the limos in numerical order.

Limo 1-
General Feeling: Ecstasy (except when the door opens then everyone is awkward as hell)


Passengers of Limo-What to Remember:
Amy L. - red dress, very "excited", very "nervous", comes out strong with a big old hug like she's greeting her brother's best guy friend at his wedding or something
Cassandra - only 21 years old, very "excited", very "nervous", basically the same as Amy, feels very much like a conversation you'd have at a job interview
Christy - dressed in white with a white headband, looks like a bad wedding dress, very "excited", very "nervous", geeks out over Juan awkwardly
Christine (not to be confused with Christy, but also blonde) - a bit more controlled than the other girls, brings JP a gift for his daughter which is cute but also pretty brown-nosing
Nikki the Nurse - has him listen to her heart, so she has the vulnerability and memorability points right out of the gate

Limo 2-
General Feeling: Rambunctious  to the point of needing sedation


Passengers- What to Remember
Kat - red dress, makes sure JP knows that she is a dancer (automatic rose), JP says she smells good
Chantel- makes sure she knows that Juan knows how to pronounce her name
Victoria - from Brazil
Lucy - Her job description is "free spirit" meaning that she absolutely will be my least favorite person but most favorite person to write about, not wearing shoes
Danielle - says she has a present for him inside and I'm hoping it's her wooden leg
Lauren S. - comes wheeling a fucking piano up Bachelor Drive and plays it terribly despite being a composer, makes sure JP knows that she is "super nervous"

Limo 3-
General Feeling: Pretty Frisky


Passengers- What to Remember
Chelsea - from Columbus, does a science experiment and makes sure it's super awkward and cringeworthy by using puns on chemistry
Valerie- cowgirl, makes sure to show JP her boots
Elise- first grade teacher, quiet, nervous, tells JP they have"so much in common and will talk later"
Ashley- also a first grade teacher, talks to JP like he is a first grader as well
Clare- comes out with a fucking fake pregnant belly on and JP thinks this is adorable? meanwhile, I'm very disturbed at the implications
Alli - comes out kicking a soccer ball (terribly), and implies to JP that she is "such a guy's girl" which automatically makes me think of my nemisis Erin Andrews and makes me dislike her
Renee- single mom, actually seems like the only natural one of this entire group
Maggie - country accent, gives him a fishing hook, loves fishin'
Molly (the dog) and Kelly (the human)- Kelly's job description is "dog lover" (does that mean I can tell people at parties when they ask me what I do that I am a "teriakyi sauce lover"?), gets lost on her way inside (because they haven't been doing the same fucking routine for the past 13+ seasons..) and Molly her dog is able to lead her to the door...thank God this girl has the animal companion, is all I can say.
Lacy - the angel, brings headache medicine from "Cupid's Pharmacy" (which Juan will clearly need for the wicked hangover he will have the next morning)
Alexis- bubbly and nervous like 99.99% of the other women
Ariel...I mean Kylie- red head, SO EXCITED, so excited that she runs inside within 7 seconds of talking to Juan
Sharleen- opera singer, from Canada/Germany, JP really, really likes her dress and will proceed to tell her so several more times, awkward and self-depricating, so I obviously like her
Andi- the last one, and the music changes, so obviously she is important, ombre haired lawyer, the only girl who actually flirts with Juan Pablo, surprisingly

After checking out the ass of every single woman who showed up, Juan Pablo says to the camera, "How am I going to do this? How am I going to send people home?"

Inside, the girls are all talking about how gorgeous Juan Pablo is when the man and legend himself appears. I haven't seen so many grown women screaming and weeping and shit since the New Kids on the Block reunion tour.



Bachelor Juan is funny because he actually seems to realize how crazed these women are and the way they are all looking at him with crazy eyes. He does what any normal person would do in this situation and drinks heavily. He turns on the music and has a dance party, there is also a photo booth in the mansion now which encourages female bonding, apparently. It becomes very clear that everyone is so drunk.

Nikki the nurse makes the first power move and grabs Bachelor Juan for some one-on-one. Next Renee, single mom, takes him for a few minutes. Free Spirit Lucy asks Juan "Do I really seem like I need extra confidence?" to which I say, "No. But you do seem like you need a fucking job." Lady Erotica takes Juan and makes him smell essential oils while she rubs his back.

 here she is, my new nemisis, Lucy, Free Spirit

Then Chris brings the coveted First Impression Rose into the room and the mood automatically shifts from goofy and crazy to pensive and serious. The music gets darker, shit is getting so real. The girls become more animalistic than Molly and begin losing their hair and shit.




Juan Pablo, meanwhile, continues to talk to the girls and is the first Bachelor is history to seem to really be absolutely terrible with names.
Typically, the most aggressive women seem to get time with the Bachelor during the initial meeting period, I've noticed. Because nothing says true love like extreme social aggressiveness.

The mineral coordinator is about to pop a gasket because she is not the center of attention. She has an emotional breakdown, as so many before her have. She is upset because she cannot get her time with him. WELL THEN GO GET HIM GIRL! It's been done before. You're not hot shit here, you're just like everyone else, ya little piranha.
Anyways, the creators of the show spent WAY too much time with this girl and how sad she is about not getting time with Juan because she feels rejected still from when her fiance dumped her (that's 4 and a half minutes of my life that I won't be getting back, fyi). She says, and I quote, "I want him to see the asset that I can be". Referring to yourself as an "asset" in terms of a relationship is really, really healthy lady! Seriously. This woman is so NOT ready to be on a reality show competition for love. What kind of sick fool accepted her?



As time is progressing through the meet and greet period of the show, I'm beginning to realize a few things:
1- Bachelor Juan has great facial expressions and I cannot tell if he's drunk or not but he really seems like it


2- These girls are my age, or only a bit older, and that makes me very, very concerned
3- The mansion looks huge but they all only stay in one to two rooms during this entire thing

Back to the details.

Andi and her ombre finally get some time with Bachelor Juan and once again the music changes, so I'm beginning to really think Andi is a top choice for Juan.

I like Sharleen, as well. She seems different and definitely doesn't seem like she wants to be there. So that's interesting in a lot of ways. Bachelor JP finds her interesting too because he gives her the holy grail, the First Impression Rose. And she accepts it as ungratefully as any normal human being probably would by saying "...sure, thanks."
Some might call Sharleen annoying and ungrateful, but I think she is realistic. She signed up for a reality show for god knows what reasons...but she is here and not like the others and definitely not into it. She even says that she doesn't know if she feels the chemistry with Juan...WHICH WHO WOULD AFTER ONLY MEETING SOMEONE FOR A FEW MINUTES? She says the connection seems "forced", which is pretty much hitting the nail on the head.
As much as I like her, she will most likely leave within the next few weeks because she's not as crazy and weird as the other girls. Despite Juan Pablo really liking her dress.

OK FINALLY. LET'S GET DOWN TO BUSINESS.
THE ROSE CEREMONY.

Let the dirty looks and self loathing begin.



Bachelor Juan Pablo sets a great example for his daughter and begins selecting future compatible partners from a group of 27 women...and here is the order:
1- obviously, Sharleen gets the FIR (First Impression Rose)
2- Clare (as a reminder, this is the lady with the fake pregnany belly)
3- Renee (single mom)
4- Nikki the Nurse
5- Lawyer Andi with cute ombre

These are Juan Pablo's first five picks, and in my opinion, the five most likely to make it far in the competition for love.
Meanwhile, they cut to a very nervous, panting Molly. (the dog, in case you forgot...although that Marketing Consultant in all white looked pretty pant-y too)
Let's continue...

6- Alli (soccer ball/guy's girl)
7- Chantel (the only black girl)
8- Lauren (piano girl)
9- Molly...and Kelly (dog lover)
10- Cassandra (21 year old, you old dog, you!..no offense, Molly)
11- Danielle (exotic, but forgettable)
12- Chelsea (Ohio girl)
13- Kat  (dancer)...this part is funny because red-headed Kylie mistakingly thinks he said "Kylie" not Kat and steps forward, causing the most awkwardness ever to ensue on Bachelor, First Rose Ceremony History...omg...so mortifying...so hilarious. The best part is Juan Pablo wincing and whispering "I said Kat."
14- Victoria (Brazil, I think? can't remember)
15- Christy (nervous girl in all white)
16- Lucy (free spirit)...can we talk about how she twirled on her way back from getting her rose? Please give me a fucking break.
17- Elise (teacher, sweet, kind of boring)
18- Amy (no idea)

And the other girls get sent packing, including the massage girl who I am so glad didn't make it because she seemed nuts, Kylie the red head who thought her name was called but never was, Lauren the mineral consultant who had an emotional breakdown on night one and never should've been there in the first place after her traumatizing breakup, and other forgettable people.


Next, they showed previews for the upcoming season and it looks just as juicy as last season, so I cannot wait to share these weeks ahead with all of you...especially my lovely Russian fans.

So recap: I think Bachelor Juan Pablo is in way over his head. He had to turn to the drink after only the first night. He has goofy facial expressions and has no idea how fucking crazy some of these women will actually turn out to be. He's so clueless that he gave the FIR to a woman who doesn't even like him or want to be there.
JP will take Lawyer Andi, Nurse Nikki, Single Mom Renee, Fake Preggo Clare,  and Sharleen (unless she leaves on her own) a far way, in my opinion.
I like the top five so far. I think they're all good for Juan, or as good as you can  be just knowing someone from a reality show. I also like Elise, Kat, and Chelsea.
I can tell I'm going to despire Lucy and probably that girl with the dog.

This has been Betchy Bachelor Monday.
Until next time,

Kaitie

xoxo