It's Betchy Bachelor Monday (Tuesday) time.
Juan Pablo...I am NOT pleased with you this week. Not even a bit.
Let me start off by saying: can you even imagine how much it would suck to actually have to build a connection with someone who was dating 16 other women at the same time? And act like you were okay with it? This is further proof that these women are complete egomaniacs, in a big way.
The episode starts off with Crazy Clare getting the first date card from Bachelor Juan. All of the girls pretend to be really, really excited for her even though it's all total fakeness. In a confessional, Clare tells the camera i.e. us that she is not the type of woman to meet some guy at a bar and she doesn't go out to meet people like that because it doesn't seem real or genuine. Then I actually feel sorry for her that she thinks going on a reality show is a real and genuine way to fall in love. And don't give us this "I'm not a fake person" bull shit when you put on a fake pregnancy belly last week upon first meeting Juan Pablo.
Because that's creepy, you fucking weirdo.
She then proceeds to say: "I'm so excited that this adventure is starting for me!"...and 16 other women.
Anyways. Bachelor Juan picks her up and all of the girls seem super supportive and excited for Crazy Clare. He then blindfolds her which is my worst nightmare.
I made a deal with myself a long time ago that I would never let a man blindfold me in fear that I would wake up HALF DEAD IN A DITCH. But apparently Clare is into it. And maybe I'm really not romantic at all...who knows.
So the date card she got from JP says "let's chill" which can only mean one thing: playing in fake snow. JP and Crazy Clare frolic and she is laughing like she is having the best time playing in fake snow of anyone EVER. Seriously, this girl's giggling is absolutely out of control. She just keeps talking about what a big risk this for her, blah, blah, blah.
Then they start ice skating, which is the worst sport ever...and she keeps almost falling, which she is probably faking. If she's being serious then she is absolutely terrible at ice skating...which I can respect because I have too and it is an awful, awful hobby.
But my money's on that she's faking it and she's using allllll the tricks in the book.
Another great quote by Clare.
The music proceeds to be cheesy as hell and I cannot believe that the producers CONTINUE TO NOT HIRE SOMEONE TO REPRODUCE THESE MUSIC. During this musical interlude we have the token hot tub scene where JP and Clare bond together. Clare opens up to Bachelor Juan about her father and what he meant to her/how he died. And I feel bad for her, really, I do. I don't believe this part of her in ingenuine or anything.
However, as she is telling him all this she is massaging his back in a hot tub with her boobs pressed up against him.
Talk about a boner killer.
Next, Bachelor JP and Clare go and awkwardly dance on a towel in the fake snow to some B-list country singer/snow yeti that could only get a gig doing a Bachelor Hot Tub performance. Clare proceeds to touch Juan a bit more than I personally think is necessary for someone who just met the guy but hey...what do I know about reality love?
Clare and JP kiss and then she tells him that he "tastes like snow" and did you guys know snow had a flavor? Because I didn't. Where do the producers find these fucking people?
By the end of the date, all is well and Juan Pablo gives Crazy Clare the rose of safety.
Meanwhile, back at Bachelor Mansion, the girls are all "bonding" (as love competitors often do). Free Spirit Lucy decides to let it all hang out in the hot tub and none are surprised. (Hint: It's because she's so free) Molly, the dog, runs in with the next date card and I'm hoping the dog's stupid owner stays so that we can see this dog for the weeks to come because it's a very amazing dog.
So Kat, the girl that made sure Bachelor Juan Pablo knew she was a dancer, gets the date card and I'm guessing she will actually have to prove in some way that she is in fact a dancer.
For his second date with the lovely Kat, Bachelor JP takes her on a plane, makes her change into this ridiculous work out outfit and then they land in Salt Lake City and partake in what I can only describe as a rave/5k which actually looks kind of fun except that it's forced.
After the race, there is this concert thing and Kat and Juan go on stage and...dance, of course. And I must say, I'm not all that impressed with Kat's skillz. I think I could maybe even out dance her. And for those of you who don't personally know me or couldn't already guess, I'm very awkward and not at all a good dancer. So take that as you will.
Aside from this giant party, Kat and Juan's date goes on to be quite unmemorable.
After this, the girls get their GROUP DATE INVITES...and group dates are always extremely entertaining. The date card reads "be ready to say cheese" or something stupid like that and Genuis, Dog Lover, Kelly isn't sure if that means they are going to be taking photographs or testing cheeses.
Thank God this girl has a dog to watch over her.
When it becomes clear that they will in fact be going to a photoshoot...with dogs, nonetheless, Kelly absolutely orgasms.
In case you missed that, yes, Bachelor Juan takes his group date of egocentric women to a PHOTOSHOOT. Because that...is an excellent idea...
Someone is bound to lose it.
Lucy tells the girls that she is happy she got asked on a group date, and was actually hoping for it, because she "flourishes" in getting attention in larger groups. And I don't see how she couldn't considering she's always partially naked or insane.
So the dogs are very adorable and everyone is given outfits/costumes to dress up in. Chelsi does Ohio proud by being funny and a trooper with her ridiculous outfit. Free Spirit Lucy is asked to wear a fire hydrant costume. Kelly, ironically, is dressed as a dog and looks like some weird space creature with spots.
And now here in the episode is where I get really pissed off.
Andi and Elise are asked to do a nude photoshoot with Juan Pablo. HELLLLOOOOO.
That's weird.
Of course, lawyer Andi, who probably has to deal with putting creeps who prey on women in jail is now being asked to pose naked in front of millions of viewers? And Elise is a first grade teacher. Naturally, neither of them want to do it. And who can blame them? I sure as hell don't.
Elise manages to switch with Free Spirit Lucy (who has no problem being naked, of course) and poses in the fire hydrant costume instead.
Andi, however, isn't as lucky and proceeds to have a slight freak out...which I don't blame her for. Bachelor Juan sees that she is upset and decides to be a stand up fucking guy and sits her down to discuss. He tells her that he is posing nude with her (which...um, is that supposed to make her feel better?) and that this is for a good cause.
OH OKAY.
So I should abandon whatever principals I have left (after losing most of them for signing up for this dumb, fake show) to help save dogs?
I love dogs more than most, ask anyone...but I would never pose nude for them. There are other ways to show support. I don't get why them being naked was so crucial...and I don't like how Juan Pablo was so nonchalant and nonunderstanding about it. SO WHAT if it's for charity? "IT'S FOR THE DOGS"
You know what? GO FUCK YOURSELF.
Juan Pablo, I am not enthused with you. What kind of message is that sending your young daughter who you love so much? He is such a whore.
Usually it takes me about three episodes to really start disliking the Bachelor, but congrats Juan Pablo, it only took you one and a half episodes to make me dislike you.
Anyways. She ends up doing it, which I'm kind of disappointed about. But also not surprised about.
After all that photoshoot bull shit, Bachelor JP takes the girls up to a rooftop pool where I know someone is bound to jump in. (Bet is on Lucy)
He takes this time to get to know the girls but some girls can't handle not being in the spotlight the whole time and lash out quite a bit.
INTERLUDE: At this point my father walked in the room as my mother and I are watching and goes "How come these people fall in love so fast? Don't people think it's kind of phony?"
Um yes, Dad. No one actually believes this is real.
Oh...
You did?
Sorry.
Don't be dumb.
How could you think this was genuine with THAT CORNY MUSIC?!
Back to the group date...
So 21 year old, former NBA Dancer, Cassandra is nervous to tell Juan that she has a son...which I think is odd considering he has a daughter..? Why would she think he would judge her? It becomes apparent in this scene where she is nervously telling him about her son that she is very obviously only 21 and probably not ready for this.
Also, JP is super, super, SUPER close to her face as she is telling him this. And I'm sorry, once again, maybe I'm not romantic but that is wayyy too close for comfort. I can't even imagine trying to tell someone I barely know something personal and having them all up in my grill in that.
I'm also very self aware of my breath which is why you always see me chewing gum, but what if, like my breath smelled?!
Next, JP talks to Single Mom Renee, and they talk about their kids and peck and it's super boring.
Everyone is wanting that one on one, but no one seems to want it more than Victoria who I didn't even know about until tonight. She wants a date with JP so badly that she takes all of that energy and focuses it on getting compeltely shitfaced on champagne.
She says some pretty fun things like "That's what life is all about...straddling people...and things" and "Hymen Maneuver."
As Victoria is getting more and more plastered, Nikki the Nurse has her one on one time with Juan. Victoria decides to photobomb the date and walks over like a creep before turning away.
Then Bachelor JP does something so annoying and goes "Awe, poor Victoria."
WHAT?! Shut the fuck up, Juan.
So Victoria continues on with her drunken rant and starts yelling at everyone that she wants to go home. It gets to the point where a Bachelor producer gets involved and let me just say he looks nothing like what I would expect a Bachelor producer to look like but instead like some drummer in a metal band.
They clearly need a better screening process for getting these women on this show because Victoria isn't just typically crazy like the rest of them, but like take-a-lock-of-your-hair-while-you-sleep crazy.
She just didn't like having to compete with other women for attention, so she snapped. Moral of the story.
So the girls all talk shit about her and make fun of her as this is happening, which whatever, we'd all do it...but then after Bachelor Juan attempts to talk to Victoria he comes out and tells the girls he is worried for her and the girls just completely shift moods.
One minute they're laughing and giggling about how crazy she is, the next they're going "Awwe, yeah, poor thing" in front of Juan.
HELLO, HOW CAN YOU NOT HATE THESE PEOPLE?
For some really weird reason, Bachelor Juan gives Dog Lover Kelly the rose.
Excuse me? Why?
How could you even think to proceed in this "journey of love" with someone who, when people ask what her job is, says she is A DOG LOVER?!
Whatever, Juan.
The next day Victoria is hungover as shit, and clearly embarassed. She tries to apologize and come up with excuses, saying that she "feels everything very strongly" (which is super attractive to any guy...) but Juan kicks her out because he says that can't have some hot mess around his daughter.
FINALLY, WE ARRIVE AT THE ROSE CEREMONY...THANK GOD.
We need to get some people out of here.
So before the ceremony, Juan takes some time to talk to the girls that he didn't get to take on any dates. Crazy Amy, who is not very memorable, decides to use her time with Juan to interview him..? and JP uses his catchphrase of the night: "Oooh, okay..."
He then talks to Sharleen, who apologizes for being so ungrateful for the FIR from last week and she actually seems down-to-earth and freaked out by this whole thing, as she should be.
Meanwhile, inside, 21 Year Old Cassandra is having a full on, emotional breakdown. She begins the night by acting like what happened with Victoria will somehow be reflected on her? I don't know, but she's freaking out.
She keeps saying "It's really hard for me...with my son...so..." but doesn't finish the sentence! I guess I don't get it because I don't have a kid...but I really don't get why she is using her son as an excuse? Wasn't she aware of all of this when she signed up?
Has she not watched this show before? (the show probably first premiered when she was 11, but whatever)
OK so she doesn't want to compete with other girls for a husband. Great. So don't join the show. She is 21 years old, and gorgeous. I do not dislike her...but this is not IT FOR HER. You can't go on a reality show for love hoping for the "Real Deal."
It's not gonna happen, honey.
Her whole breakdown further proves just how young she is.
Finally, the ceremony finally takes place.
Juan Pablo calls Cassandra first, so apparently all the crying worked, then Nikki the Nurse, Lawyer Andi, Elise, Sharleen, Single Mom Renee, Danielle (WHO IS THAT, by the way?), Lucy (gag), Allison (thought her name was Alli but apparently Bachelor JP wanted to call her Allison. If a guy ever called me Kaitlin, I'd strangle him and walk away forever), Chelsie, Lauren (who I just remembered is the piano lady), and then Chris Harrison comes out and makes sure we all know that the final rose is about to be given...to which we all say "THANKS CHRIS"
And Bachelor Juan calls.....Christy, whoever that is.
So he sends home Chantel and Amy, the one who interviewed him earlier in the night.
No one is really all that devastated.
What I learned from this episode is that these women are completely clueless when it comes to this situation.
Most of these women have gone their whole lives being "the prettiest girl in the room." They are used to getting men, they are used to getting hit on, and being the center of attention.
And now that they are no longer the only pretty girl in the room, they cannot handle it.
Some REALLY can't handle it and they have breakdowns because of it.
I feel that.
To have to actually compete for one man with a bunch of other really gorgeous women.... it's a nightmare.
My personal nightmare is losing my cable the night Game of Thrones premieres or the Keurig breaking...but some girls consider not having a man's attention all the time as being a horrifying nightmare.
So whatever. To each their own.
Until next time,
Kaitie
xo
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