We're going to cut out a lot of bull shit this week, so here we go.
And let me tell you: this week the girls are thirsty as ever.
We start the episode off with Bachelor Juan Pablo being adorable with his daughter, Camila, talking about how sad he will be to leave her. Next, Chris Harrison shows up looking casually handsome in a classic flannel. He tells the women that they will be going to Seoul. Every reaction is the same: "OMG YAYYYY"
Let me tell you, I've never seen anyone get so absolutely ecstatic to go to South Korea than I have with this group of women. The only place that I can think of that would be more exciting to go to than South Korea is probably North Korea.
Can you even imagine?
So the cast of the Bachelor arrives in South Korea and they are all very thrilled to be there.
"I can think of nothing more exciting than going to South Korea!" to which South Korea says, "No, thank you."
Anyways. Bachelor Juan Pablo is lost on the streets on Seoul, alone, buying tea and playing games and stuff.
Finally, some of the women are invited on group date number 1.
I think the most appropriate way to sum up with date is to do it with bullet points:
- Nikki the Nurse is not thrilled.
- K-Pop
- JP loves dancing and will make sure everyone loves it too, damnit!
- Cassandra thinks because the date card says "Pop!" it must have something to do with making popcorn or bubble gum...because that is definitely something you can only do in Korea.
- Nikki won't shut up about how much she hates dancing. Hey Nikki! Shut the fuck up and cry me a river.
- What are those pants, JP? Male yoga pants?
- 2NE1, the most famous band in South Korea apparently, takes time to go on the Bachelor and show them how to dance..and they're all like "what did we get ourselves into?"
- Kat thinks she is the best dancer to ever grace the world with her presence
- Oops! Did I just get way into this date? I just danced in my living room without realizing it.
- They perform on a big mall stage for hundreds--I mean thousands?--of people
- Kat thinks these people are here to see her.
After the big date, they go off to do drinks as per usual and Kat decides she wants to take some time for the focus to be on her for once. She sits Juan Pablo down and says that she knows they have so much in common with their dancing, but she also wants him to see a deeper side of her.
Meanwhile, Nikki is throwing major shade Kat's way, and everyone else's way really. She's not afraid to talk shit about whoever comes in her way of Juan Pablo. Nikki is fake, and apparently we're all supposed to be really surprised by this?
Why?
Because she's a children's nurse and we were supposed to believe that she was different and not fake and catty and bitchy? But wait...this is The Bachelor, where women compete for a man's love and affection.
What do you expect?
And she is one of the many reasons that feminists hate this show.
But that doesn't stop her from getting the date rose. Which she does.
I like the bullet point thing...so we'll do that for the one-on-one date too, which goes to Sharleen. Shockingly...(not really because I think JP is obsessed with her)
But before we can go do that, we naturally have to make sure we see a Bachelor Juan Pablo signature shower scene which has nothing to do with whatever plot they think they are coming up with.
Sharleen's Date:
- Walk around, eat weird food
He always wants to feed them
- They sit at a very small table and talk about opera
- He wants her to sing
- She does not want to sing
- He is relentless
- So she sings...
- They suck face again
- She is clearly too intelligent for him
- The Big Q: "How many kids do you want?"...to which she answers honestly that she doesn't want kids. As a reward for her honesty, Bachelor Juan gives her the rose despite the fact that he said the whole point of this show is to find a mother for his daughter.
Ultimately, I have no idea why...but Bachelor JP seems to really like Sharleen. I must admit, there is something different about her than the other girls. She doesn't seem as shallow, honestly. And I think he likes that she seems, for the most part, indifferent to him.
Group Date #2:
- "Let's get krazy in Korea"...Ha. Ha..
- The most awkward karaoke I have ever seen because they couldn't speak the language and didn't know the words to any of the songs...? So, super great choice.
- Walk around, eat weird food.
- Clare will NOT eat octopus (which, as Alli put it, isn't that weird considering you can go to the Italian restaurant down the street and get octopus any old time)..and Kelly says she is sure that Clare has swallowed bigger things than that in her, to which I couldn't help but laugh
- Paddle boats
- Dead skin on feet being eaten off by fish...super sexy
- I decide that Clare's teeth bother me
- Clare won't get off his dick in any way, shape, or form.
- JP decides, while with Renee, that he will no longer be kissing any of the girls because he doesn't want to set a bad example for his daughter...despite the fact that he has already kissed half a dozen of them
- Lauren tries to kiss him and when he denies her, she cries...making it weird.
- JP gives up his resolution to not kiss any more of the girls when Clare shows her weird witch teeth to him, licks her lips, and says "OMG I CAN'T BELIEVE I ATE OCTOPUS"
Clare would definitely be the evil future-stepmom from The Parent Trap to Camila.
- To which JP says "I know I said I wasn't going to kiss anyone anymore...but Clare is so sexy." With her annoying mouth!? OK NICE BRO!!!!!!
- Although, I must say no more satisfaction could have come to me than when he gave the rose to Andi instead of Clare.
Summation of the date: What a mess. And what a slap in the face. If you're going to be a whore and kiss all these women, at least follow through and don't come up with some bull shit excuse using your daughter as a reason to reject some women.
As my dad is eating dinner in the other room, he sees this and goes, "Why don't these girls just say 'forget it, dude!'?"
I don't know, Dad, I don't know!
After an otherwise uneventful group date, we cut to commercial and come back to the Rose Ceremony. The girls make a pact together that the ones who got a rose will not take up any time with JP that could be otherwise spent with other women. The other women need the time more than they do for any "last chance" desperate pleas for salvation.
As Clare so infuriatingly puts it, "At the end of the day, it's all about him and who makes him happy."
All I see is her annoying mouth, even in this comedic meme.
If that phrase being uttered doesn't make you furious, then please see that red 'x' in the corner and stop reading my blog.
Because that is complete bull shit.
It is not all about him. Even though the show is titled "The Bachelor", that doesn't mean that everyone else's feelings just get pushed to the side. It's definitely not great to build the foundations of a relationship with the idea that "this is all for him."
In my opinion, Bachelor Juan Pablo reminds me of a dumb dog. Which is probably why Kelly likes being there so much.
(P.S. Did Molly come to Seoul, does anyone know?!)
Douche.
Anyways.
The Rose Ceremony.
Clare takes JP to the side, of course. And I cannot honestly stand this girl with her constant lick liping, and lip biting, and teeth showing, and talking to make sound..,
Nikki the Nurse decides that she will break the pact made at the beginning of the ceremony and go for the kill. Even though she has a rose, she wanted time with Juan Pablo. She goes and interupts Clare's time with JP (and I can't decide what is worse: watching Clare's lip licking or enduring Nikki's fakeness with him)
DRAAAAMAAAA.
Before the ceremony begins, Clare decides to confront Nikki about what happened. She says, "You're one way with the girls, and one way with Juan Pablo."
Which, hello, they all are...?
Give me one genuine person in the bunch and I will shit twice and die. Thanks.
To be honest, I wouldn't mind seeing Nikki and Clare fight. And to the death, preferably.
Oops, did I just say that out loud?
Finally, the ceremony arrives and the music gets very tribal and serious and it feels like we're on Survivor Island.
The roses are distributed as follows:
1- Renee
2- Chelsi (who literally pushes the girls out of her way to get to him)
3- Kelly
4- Danielle (who makes it another week without anyone knowing who she is, still)
5- Cassandra (at this point there is a dramatic gong sound that is just all around ridiculous)
6- Allison (who's name is Alli, Juan Pablo...still)
7- Clare (teeth)
8- Kat (dancer)
So Bachelor Juan Pablo sends first grade teacher, Elise and Lauren S. who didn't get a kiss packing. As these women are walking away (as fast as their heels can take them, actually) they have to endure being watched by not only us at home, but by the other women, Juan Pablo, and probably Chris Harrison in the distance. Talk about annoying and embarassing.
Elise is upset, of course. Maybe she shouldn't have spent her only one-on-one time with him talking about how dramatic the other girls are. Just saying.
Lauren S. continues to cry and says she really wished she wouldn't have tried to kiss him. She then proceeds to keel over in pain and cry out dramatically, "I shouldn't have made so many mistakes"
COME ON GIRL!
Beyonce is side-eyeing you right now!
Are you even serious?
You did NOTHING wrong. If anything, this is his fault.
At this point in the episode, I am absolutely livid. Juan Pablo has no principles and goes back on what he says. He has no convictions and I'm not even sure what kind of person he is because he talks to these women like they are children, or something. His condescending "Aww"'s and constant pressuring are really starting to get me heated. And not in the way Clare seems to be getting heated and horny like in the previews for next week's episode.
Besides Juan Pablo pissing me off, and the catty, childish woman who make other women look bad pissing me off, I don't think anything made me more angry this week than the cheesy music.
Seriously, Bachelor people, you need a new music coordinator. And quickly. Because your show is drowning in a soundtrack that sounds similar to music I would hear on a soap opera or like, an ABC family original movie.
I think my father summed up everything I was feeling all night long about this episode when he walked into the room as Lauren S. was crying about how many mistakes she had made...he says to me:
"Kaitie, why do you watch this? This show is bad for women."
And I'll leave you with that.
Until next time,
Kaitie
xo
P.S. Sure, Juan Pablo is sexy...but you need a man who will treat you like this:
And you deserve a love like this:
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