Let's begin to waste some time by watching this program together, shall we?
Papa Harrison is really pumped, introduces the 'dramatic' women of season 205 of The Bachelor. But first we see a little video montage of Harrison and Chris crashing some random Bachelor parties, Chris kisses some old ladies. On the mouth. This is fine.
At one party, every time Chris kisses someone, they have to all take a shot. I think we can all agree we would be passed out every Monday evening.
Harrison next introduces us to all the women we love, all the women we hate, and all the women we forgot existed. All in front of a LIVE audience! Such excitement.
We see a montage of clips from the season, reliving all of the laughs and tears..and all of the saliva exchanged.
Britt gets emotional directly after the montage, confronts Carly about all of her hurt feelings, is super weepy. Carly isn't sure how to respond, talks about how she doesn't want to create drama in the house, although she was always the one talking the most shit. The women begin attacking..I don't even know who they're attacking but they are all like "WE AREN'T HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS" like some random ass women in the back who I don't even remember existing.
CHRIS HARRISON HAS LOST ALL CONTROL.
They all start talking over one another. Although, this isn't really surprising. It's just like a real housewives reunion where you don't even know what they're saying. Except Nene Leakes...you always know what she's saying.
So anyways, Britt keeps crying. She defends herself when people start attacking her about not wanting kids by informing everyone of all the villages she has volunteered to build in Africa for the children, how many kids she has babysat, how she was a nanny for many years, wanted to be a teacher, etc etc. I mean I'm really not exaggerating.
We get it.
You're perfect.
You love kids.
How nice for you.
It quickly becomes Britt vs. Carly. Many high pitched voices
Why are people cheering for Britt and against Carly?
They're both completely annoying and dramatic. Britt can't stop crying.
Really wants to be the next Bachelorette...
Luckily, we get a break..36 minutes later..we can move on to something else: Kelsey and Sanderson Poe.
OH GREAT. THE THRILL.
"How did this woman who was a widow become known as a 'black widow' by the other women?" Chris asks. LOL.
Jeesh. No chill, man.
How can Kelsey watch this back and think that she could possibly be perceived as anything but psychotic? Isn't she a GUIDANCE COUNSELOR? Like doesn't she recognize abnormal human behavior? Chris brings her up to the hot seat. I'M UNCOMFORTABLE.
The other women are NOT having it. Kelsey demands a tissue. Harrison gives her his ascot and she blows her nose snot all over it. She informs him that she will not be giving it back. Harrison is like, "that's fine."
The women look horrified. I'm pretty horrified myself.
I just begin blocking everything Kelsey says out. No idea what she's talking about now. The girls really want a chance to tear Kelsey apart.
"Can I say something?' some irrelevant asks. Chris shoots them down, "NOT YET."
So anyways. We cut to a commercial break and when we get back Chris Harrison allows the women to 'go at it' with. Everyone takes their turn tearing her apart. Dumb ass Megan is like "my dad dropped dead and my mom didn't act like you," THOSE WERE HER WORDS.
Way to be insensitive, lady!
Juelia is like "as a woman who has also experienced a lost loved one, I would never use that to further myself in the competition" LOL but YOU DID. You did it at a pool party, if I remember correctly.
Maybe you're not as weird and dramatic as Kelsey, but you did the same thing.
These women.
I mean, pot...meet kettle.
"We've all lost people in our lives!" the women cry. That is true. Everyone experiences loss. It's human. We don't all lose our brand new husbands who we love, though.
I'm not saying Kelsey's fake tears and dramatic gasps and pauses aren't annoying. But can we stop with this bashing? I mean, how terrible are the women on this show??!
They're almost as bad as me.
On to lighter things, like making fun of mental health: Ashley S
Ashley takes the hot seat, while wearing "The Dress" (which could be gold and white, could be blue and black..not sure), tells Harrison that she has started to grow onions, and hands Chris one. So that was nice.
Ashley: I thought the tree was fake.
Harrison: But it wasn't?
Ashley: No. It had real fruit on it.
Harrison: But it wasn't.
Ashley: No.
(long pause)
Ashley "defends" herself by saying that she was so bored during her time on The Bachelor. She also continues being a complete weirdo and says that she just can't help but be silly when she's on camera. I can agree with that. I get that way myself when I've mixed by Xanax and too much wine. Put a camera on me and I'll go hunt for a pomegranate. Or more likely, a burrito.
Harrison: Is this the real Ashley S? Or an actress?
Ashley: This is me.
Harrison: Who are you? What are you?
Ashley: I like riding bikes.
He then asks her if she wants to be on Bachelor in Paradise. The crowd goes wild. She looks confused. "Isn't it weird we're on TV right now?"
And that's that.
Next, Papa H pulls Jade up to the hot seat. They talk about her 'relationship' with Chris, and her 'X Rated' past. (rolls eyes to the heavens)
She gets emotional and admits that she was falling in love with Chris. She says she "felt like things were good" until she told him the truth and he started realizing that she wasn't the 'sweet midwestern girl' that he thought she was/that she portrayed herself to be.
LET US NOT FORGET that this is television.
People are bound to not be themselves on TV ie Jade, ie Ashley S, ie Kelsey, the list goes on.
Finally, Papa H brings up Kaitlyn to the hot seat to talk about her experience on the show. The montage reveals her fun loving nature, but also how she uses her 'comedy' as a shield.
I mean, please. Who does that?
...
Anyways. We re-live Kaitlyn's heartbreak. Like we would've forgotten.
I ended up liking Kaitlyn in the end, but she isn't for Chris. Let's just all admit this now. Maybe her fun personality could have balanced out his boring one, but eventually she would've driven herself crazy living with him in Iowa.
YOU'LL FIND LOVE AGAIN, GIRL.
You will find someone to plow your fields.
She talks about how confident she was in her final rose ceremony. Apparently, some things happened in the fantasy suite that would have led her to be assured that she was safe. I think he definitely told her that he was falling for her, and I think that he was saying it because he doesn't know how to say no to anyone or anything.
She says she has never been more nervous for anything in her life as she is to confront Chris tonight. Okay. Calm down.
Harrison is like "well we will hear from him after the commercial break!" the crowd cheers, and the women whose hearts are 'broken' try to look happy about this.
Immediately when Chris comes out, the camera pans to Britt who instantly starts crying. Of course, she gets the first interview. She asks if she can come up to the hot seat. She embraces him for a long moment before sitting down and putting Carly down. She holds his hand and cries, tells him she forgives him. She's just so fucking annoying. How could any of us have ever liked her?
It's like she wants him to be like "I've changed my mind! It's you! It's always been you!"
I don't think so, honey.
Harrison hands it over to Kaitlyn, who doesn't need to come to the couch for attention, and just wants an explanation. She tells him she wants a genuine answer, wants him to not fumble through an explanation, and not to sugar coat it.
He claims his reasons are the same now as they were then...which are still unclear. Kaitlyn asks why he put her through that rose ceremony then if they had such a "connection." Chris uses the "I'm an inexperienced idiot" card as per usual.
Jade wants her turn. She wants to talk "to him" and not "at him" so she wants to join him on the couch. OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.
Can these people move on?
I mean, is this real?
Are these feelings real?
Aside from the feeling of rejection?
Was there really any love there?
She wants him to explain his blog.
UH OH.
Jade wants Chris to explain why he would say he found the situation "disturbing" (in his words)
Which, in her defense, was not the best word to describe the situation.
But, in his defense, it IS disturbing when you're on the track to marry someone and their entire family tells you that the person you're with is completely different than the person you thought you knew.
And let's not lie she was PUMPED to show him her video and photo shoot, and it was AWKWARD.
For everyone involved.
Including me.
Bye.
Chris Harrison lets us all know that he has written a romance novel.
That's not a joke.
I mean, if anyone knows romance, it's Chris Harrison...AMIRIGHT?
So good luck with that book, buddy.
Alright Y'ALL...it's been a long journey. But we'll talk next week during the FINALE.
Who will win?
Cool Virgin Becca?
Sperm Fairy Whitney?
'Who will he choose?'
Gosh, his life is so hard.
Until then,
Kaitie
xo
