Betchy Bachelorette Monday: Bachelorette JoJo - The Final Rose

We have done it.

Here we are.

The emotional ending.

Let's get loco.




Every difficult, heartbreaking decision has led Bachelorette JoJo to this.
Who is it going to be?
Former athlete Jordan? Former athlete Robby?

JoJo loves them both - but she isn't sure if either of them are ready for marriage. They surely aren't ready for a new haircut, unfortunately.

Let us begin this THREE HOUR event.
*cracks knuckles, chugs wine, deep breaths*

JoJo seems very light-hearted and happy at the beginning of this episode - which is funny to me because she's literally been an emotional MESS the past four weeks, at least.
Did someone give her some happy pills?

"When I'm with Robby, I think about Jordan. When I'm with Jordan, I think about Robby."

Probably because they are literally the same person.

We start off re-meeting JoJo's family - her stoic father, drunk mother, over-protective brothers, and some other girl who I assume is a sister/sister-in-law. She informs her family that she is, indeed, in love with both of them. Her mom is shocked. Although I am not sure because of all of the work she's had done.



Jordan is first up meeting the family.

JoJo's family seems very receptive towards Jordan at first, which means they reallllly want those Packers season tix. Jordan tells the family that he's gotten them each gifts aka embarrassing hats. I guess this is supposed to be charming.

JoJo's beautiful, drunk mother pulls Jordan over first and gets right to the chase. Trust. She can see that Jordan is a playboy and wants to get to the bottom of this.

"Give me your word you will never break my daughter's heart," she tells him.
Jordan is like




He's like, "I-I promise."

"Who doesn't like Jordan?" JoJo asks her mom happily later on when they're having some one-on-one time.
"That's what worries me..." her mom responds.
Um, his own brother doesn't even like him, so I'm not so sure JoJo's mom is wrong about being concerned.

Jordan wants nothing more than to get permission from JoJo's father for his daughter's hand in marriage. He chokes and isn't able to ask him. Who the hell knows why?

Probably to add more drama to the latter portion of the show.

Next, Jordan returns to the family the next day with some flowers.

OH WAIT sorry that's Robby now.
Hard for me to tell.



JoJo's mom wastes no time, "So what is it about JoJo that you like?"

Robby gives some ridiculous, generic answer about a light she exudes or something.

Robby gets really sappy, really quickly.
What's worse, Robby basically crying or Jordan making everyone in JoJo's family wear a ridiculous hat?

JoJo talks to her brothers about Robby. They have zero problem with the fact that she's dating multiple men now that it's her (although they took huge issue with Ben last season). They tell J that they think Robby is a great guy. Blah blah. clearly buying his BS.

Robby has a good convo with J's mom, telling her that JoJo is the Queen of his Heart.



Robby is very dead-set on asking both JoJo's father AND MOTHER (which I respect) for her hand in marriage.

Her dad cries, her mom is very touched.

Clearly they like him more.

Too bad JoJo doesn't.

The family thinks Robby is a better fit because he is clearly more ready for marriage. JoJo is unhappy. She wants her family to like her man, Jordan. Jordan, she learns, did not ask J's parents/father for her hand.

She immediately starts balling.



"I'll always wonder 'what-if' if I choose either of them?"
"What if I could've been more famous if I married Jordan?"



Also, side note: the music in tonight's episode is fucking ridiculous.

They're in Phuket, Thailand.
At this point J is literally going to have to say "fuck it" because it honestly does not matter who she chooses at this point.

Next, we move into the final one-on-one dates. The first goes to Robby. They spend the first part of the date making out. They frolic on the beach, they kiss underwater, etc.

Robby has the MOST punch-able face.
Then again, so does Jordan.
Is the winner going to be who has the LEAST punch-able face?

Robby talks about their future and having kids and cooking burnt meatloaf.



This is the speech every guy gives when they are trying to get laid.
Robby's already gotten laid, so I guess this is his "please marry me" ploy.

And drinking Sauvignon Blanc? come on, we all know Pinot Grigio is way better, Robby. GET WITH IT.

They go on to their dinner portion and JoJo assures Robby she does not "have a doubt" with him.
So it's obviously going to be him, right?

He then gives her gifts of photos between the two of them. who took those?

"This is when the fireworks went off in each other's hearts!" she says.



OH PLEASE.

Is everyone on this show a total fucking SAP?
I miss Chad.

Robby is soooo corny.

"I see a lifetime with Robby. I can see myself saying yes to him when he is down on one knee," she claims.

So...this is over? Just end the show now?

NOT LIKELY. We have another hour, and an after-the-final-rose peeps!

Let us move on to Jordan's date.
Eugh.

They go on some pirate ship, drink wine, and makeout.
JoJo is excited to see Jordan but she is also "anxious."

"Today's like, such a big day," she tells Jordan.
No pressure, buddy.
She apparently cannot stop thinking about why Jordan didn't ask for anyone in her family for her hand in marriage. Such a big gesture in her opinion. Doesn't she realize the situation she's put him in? They are on a reality dating show. Maybe he didn't know how to handle that...?

Why am I defended Jordan?



Jordan tells her that he did not ask because he always imagined as he was growing up that the conversation would go so differently, and when he was in the moment he didn't want to ask if he was unsure of her feelings...or some BS like that.

I mean, I get it. I get why he didn't.
She's upset because he said he would.

This is the only thing stopping her from choosing him?
Oh, please.
I'm so over this "conflict-with-Jordan" plotline.

JoJo has no idea what he's talking about. Neither do I.

He's saying he would be on one knee in a heartbeat if it was totally up to him. But because he is unsure of her feelings, he can't be on one knee?

IDK.
I get that he wants assurance that he is the one for her before he gets on one knee. I get that asking someone to marry you is serious. What I don't get is why suddenly he values this so much. If you valued marriage, why are you ON THIS SHOW?



"I have all these doubts," she says.

All signs are pointing to her choosing Robby.

But do we believe that?

JoJo is scared, again.



Jordan claims he only wants to be on one knee once in his life.
So he will manipulate JoJo into thinking he loves her without a doubt when he proposes to her?
So she will have a sense that he is more serious about her than Robby is BECAUSE he is unsure?

This is all very confusing.
Like a Trump speech.

Jordan is goooooood. That's all I have to say.
He knows how to play her, and how to get her.

He knew he couldn't beat Robby's corny ass, so he took the opposite approach, being genuine to a fault.

So when he DOES get on one knee she'll know how absolutely serious he is, and will have to choose him. And if not, hey, he'll be the next bachelor.

Win, win for him.



It comes time to pick out "the ring." Robby writes her a sappy note, of course. He then picks out this hugely gaudy ring. Although it would probably look good on her.

Jordan, meanwhile, is thinking about a lot on his balcony, sans shirt.
He decides he needs to call JoJo's parents.
BTW, Did you know JoJo's dad's name is Joe?

Jordan asks the parents if he has their blessing and blah blah. They say yes, of course.
He's really teeing himself up here.

Jordan also decides to write a note.

Gosh, the handwriting on these guys....yikes.

I guess penmanship is not top priority for hot former athletes with floppy hair.

Jordan picks out his ring, which is also a bit large, but less gaudy and ridiculous than Robby's IMO.

Actually, it's totally gorgeous.
Yeeeeeee.

Alright y'all.
Here we go.



Bachelorette JoJo puts her proposal gown on.
She then reads the letter from Jordan aloud, with Jordan's dumb voice over in the back.
Yuck.

They play dramatic music as Robby looks in the mirror with a douchey look on his face.
The letter tells her that he has asked for her parents' hand/blessing, and that he will love her for the rest of his life.

Robby ALSO has a note.
JoJo reads this as well.

Is this a thing?
Do they always do this?

At least Jordan's was letter-style. Robby's looked like it was pulled of a college ruled notebook.

A pink tie, Robby?

Bold.



Who is she going to choose you guys?
I'm going to be mad if it's Jordan.
I'm going to be mad if it's Robby.

I'm just so scared. I'm just so torn.
*sobs*

Robby steps out of the car first. His outfit is totalllllllly ridiculous.
He looks like a character from the Capitol in The Hunger Games.

He is also sweating very badly.
He says "forever love."
COME ON ROBBY.

Forever love?!

You've known her a month!

"I promise I will love you until the day I DIE," Robby claims.



She stops him and promptly begins to cry.
She gives him basically the same exact speech that Ben gave her last season.

"I wanted it to be you. Every day I woke up wanting it to be you," she says, "but for some reason my heart is somewhere else."
Um, cool. Can't wait to see how Jordan reacts to hearing his fiance saying that to the other guy lol.

She just keeps saying "I wanted it to be you."

So weird to say that.
Like this is ON FILM, you realize that, right?

Robby is torn up.
"I've gotta go..." he says... "prepare to be the next bachelor, hopefully, fingers crossed."

JoJo sobs some more.

"I just want you to be happy," Robby tells her, "don't settle."

"My heart is physically hurting right now!" she cries.
Yeah, me too, JoJo. But because all of my organs are shutting down, my brain is turning them off because its mad at me for watching this stupid FUCKING...

show.



So now we all have to act SURPRISED that she's picked Jordan?

They cut dramatically to the live studio audience, who is sitting in dead silence like this is a national tragedy or something.

JoJo's heart is totally broken.
So this is the perfect time for her to quickly proceed into getting engaged.

JoJo manically talks herself out of crying "I am so ready, I love Jordan, I am so ready!"
Whatever you say, sweetheart.

Jordan approaches and gives his speech. JoJo does her best to look neutral.

JoJo tells him that she loves him, finally.
He looks super relieved before getting down on one knee and giving her that ring.
She looks at the ring like



just kidding.

They are screaming happily and kissing, shaking, being boring.

So that's it, y'all.

I hate to say I called it from the beginning...but honestly, I think we all did.



Can't wait to watch After the Final Rose in which JoJo must face her ex, Robby, and her ex, Ben Higgins in the audience.

If you want to read about it, continue on....if not, it's been real y'all!

_________________________________

After the Final Rose

Papi H, says, for the eighth time tonight, "Green Bay Packers Quarterback, Aaron Rodgers".

Papi H summarizes the events of the evening before inviting Robby onstage to re-live his heartbreak. Robby, again, looks like a Hunger Games character.

I'm happy to see my somewhat violent, overly-masculine boyfriend Chad, in the studio audience, though.

Also, can Robby stop calling JoJo "Jo" now?



Chris brings JoJo out to see Robby for the first time since Thailand when she REJECTED HIS ASS.
She has to sit right next to him.

Robby: How are you?
JoJo: Good. How are you?
Robby: Good.

Yup. Great stuff.

Robby's like "I'm just kind of wondering....um...what the fuck, JoJo?"

She tells Robby that she always felt "it" with Jordan.
She tells Robby that she felt more friendship with Jordan that she didn't feel with Robby - which is hilarious because when Wells said that a marriage should be a friendship, she got mad at him and told him passion was everything.
But WHATEVER you need to tell yourself to sleep at night, J.



Papi H and JoJo talk, sending Robby back to the pit of frat boy hell he came from. They chat about the emotions she felt blah blah.

Chris then asks JoJo who she thinks the next bachelor should be. She says "Luke or Chase" the audience cheers for Luke. THEN, from the audience, my boy Chad stands up. JoJo is like "sit down, Chad."

LOL

Then Chad is like "no but for real I think I deserve love."

WHY NOT?

I mean, let's make Chad the next bachelor.

This show isn't even serious anyway. I think it would be ridiculously entertaining!

"Let's see how Bachelor in Paradise goes..." Chris Harrison says diplomatically.
"Eh...let's not," Chad says.
Everyone chuckles.

"You guys should watch tomorrow night, seriously, it's a trainwreck," Papi H says.
HAHAHAHAHAHAH



yesssssssssss

JoJo addresses the rumors and tabloids about Jordan not really loving her blah blah. She says it's been hard on their relationship. Ha. Yeah. This is what happens when you choose a high profile guy on a reality dating show? I'm confused. I get that it sucks for her, but like, sorry don't reallllly feel that bad for you.

Also, just saying, no one wanted her to choose Jordan really...just like no one wanted Andi to choose Josh. I feel like this is practically the same situation as that, and look how that turned out.

I hope I'm wrong. I really do.
Because I do like JoJo. Was she the best, least annoying bachelorette? Eh, probably not/debatable. But I do think she's a sweet person and I loved her on Ben's season, so I hold on to that.

They finally bring Jordan out who acts like a public speaker - and really just sort of takes the mic from J. I mean, once he comes out we don't hear much from her.
Ha.

Great...



Papi is like "let's bring up some of those tabloid headlines..."
lol

"We never understood why this was happening. I can't read this garbage."

Well, some people in America feel like this show is garbage, so I mean you say potato, I say potato, you know.

"We can't wait to go to Chipotle together!"

ok that may be the first REAL thing they said this entire show

Papi asks Jordan about his brother Aaron, but Jordan skillfully avoids answering. Chris Harrison pushes on. JoJo responds, "it's the same situation it was..."
Then Chris finally moves on from this awkwardness.

Why even bring it up?
I can't.
Cringing.

I do not get this hour long show. I'm so over it.



They close the show with a shameless plug for Nemacolin, which is the woodland resort they visited earlier in the season. OK great.

"I LOVE NEMACOLIN!" JoJo shouts happily.

Good for you.

And finally, you better believe I'll be watching Bachelor in Paradise.

Thanks, and so long.

Until next time,

Kaitie
xo

Betchy Bachelorette Monday: Bachelorette JoJo Week 9

Hey peeps! Sorry there was no blog last week. Life's been weird.

But I did finally watch the absolutely useless episode in which we sat through four boring hometowns only for it to not even end with JoJo sending anyone home.



We begin this week's episode where last week's left off.

Who will JoJo send home?
Luke? Jordan? Robby? Chase?

They all look the same!!! I don't even know who is who anymore.

Then men are all very disturbed as Luke pulled her aside right before she started the rose ceremony to tell her he loves her. They thought he might have been going home. NOW IT'S ANYONE'S GAME.

Jordan gets the first rose.
No shock there.
He'll probably win. I don't even know how or why it matters anymore.

Robby gets the second rose. So she still has no problem with the fact that he's only been single three months. Very well.

The third and final rose.........
Who will it be?

the stress.

Chase is given the final rose, thus sending MY LOVE Luke home.
I can't say I'm not surprised that she saved Chase over Luke. Luke - who has been a front runner since the beginning, is going home over Chase who just recently learned how to formulate sentences.



It is very clear that everyone is in shock - especially Luke. JoJo doesn't even know what to say. Luke is super confused, and clearly just wants to get the hell out of there but JoJo just keeps trying to explain herself through sobs, "It's not that, I don't know what I want, I'm sorry, I'm going to miss you" she keeps saying.
OK...?

I'm mad.
Luke is LOVELY, and an American Hero and I AM SAD YOU GUYS.

Also, this is the most dramatic exit I've ever seen in Bachelor/ette history. So many lingering looks, so many tears, so much confusion. Mostly on my part, I guess.

"What if that was a mistake?" she asks the camera, and us I suppose. "I miss him!"





THEN WHY DID YOU SEND HIM HOME, YOU LUNATIC.

Suddenly, as if no time has passed, after a nice little commercial break we are amazingly in Thailand.
"It feels amazing to be here!" JoJo says happily, like she wasn't just sobbing two moments ago.

Wait, is this fantasy suite week???



"I'm hoping this week brings me clarity..." AND DICK.

She kicks it off with Robby, her sex partner.
"I've been completely honest with you since day one," says no honest guy ever, but whatever Robby.

Ugh, these last few episodes are sooo boring.
They have to pretend to be in love for real now and it's just all the same. We the viewers have to watch the same thing repeatedly for two hours.

JoJo reminds us that this time last season, she was with Ben and told him that he loved her...and he said it back. #Ridiculous
She knows what this date means.
Aside from the sex...there's also the whole 'time alone with no cameras' thing.

Robby pulls out a sweet note his dad apparently wrote for him during hometowns when he was downtrodden about JoJo finding out about his ex-girlfriend. "I want you to keep this," Robby tells JoJo in regards to the note, "just in case you forget."
and also so now you must feel bad if you want to send me home because now my fucking father is involved.




She offers him the fantasy suite date card signed from Papi H. Of course he says yes. These two have been wanting to get it on since day 1.

Robby just keeps saying, "you know how I feel about you."

Whatever, Robby.

Has anyone ever said 'no' to the fantasy date?
LOL



We move on to Jordan's date. JoJo takes Jordan on a hike. Ew.

They finally make it to the top and there's some creepy cave that they probably shouldn't be in.
The cave leads them to a temple in the middle of a cavern which is actually very cool. J informs us that they are not allowed to kiss in said temple. I wonder if they will break this rule?

They talk about their families, etc.
boring stuff.

"My brothers are super protective," she tells him. Yes. We remember from last season.

"Is this guy too good to be true?" JoJo asks.

The answer is YES.



JoJo begins to confront her fears about a relationship with Jordan YET AGAIN.
Same shit, different day.
She seems to give Jordan more crap for everything he says even though he says the same thing as all the other guys. Like, the producers are really trying to play the "overcoming hardship" angle with Jordan and JoJo.

I'm so over it.

"How do you know you love me?" she asks.
"Uh...I'm a better person with you? I feel different when I'm with you? I like who I am with you?"

Jordan just keeps trying any phrase that will work.

JoJo buys it and pulls out the fantasy suite invite from Papi H, who has literally become a pimp.
Jordan accepts. Because obviously.



JoJo shares with us what we already have known all along: that she is in love with Jordan.

Sorry JoJo, but no one is surprised.

"Waking up this morning I just had a smile on my face...." Jordan grins...."and a boner"

In a sick twist of fate, JoJo admits to us that she is in love with two people. I assume Robby and Jordan?

But she's just not sure.



Chase rolls up, ready for his date, in some moped that the producers surely gave him to make him seem more quirky and interesting.

I definitely think Chase had a few shots before this date because he's acting a little off the wall.

Playing with dead fish and shit.
no thanks

Chase is still the only one left pulling off that hairstyle, and I will stand by that.

Would prefer if he stopped talking about fish though.

As JoJo is preparing for her evening date with Chase, she hears a knock on the door, and it's...Robby? They make you think it's going to be Chase finally telling J he loves her.



JoJo is ridiculously surprised to the point where I am annoyed.

"I keep thinking of you, non-stop...I keep thinking of you, dreaming of you..."

OK Robby, stop creeping me out.

He leaves after professing his love...again. Jojo is very conflicted.

Chase and J head to their dinner and Chase is wearing a very weird see-through shirt that I'm not in love with. He tells JoJo that he is 100% in love with her, and that he is ready to carry the burden of that phrase for her. Cheeeeesy.

It's clear that JoJo is not feeeeeeeeeelin it.

She goes, "um can you hold on one minute I'll be right back."

And leaves.

What the hell, JoJo??



He's out of here, y'all.

"When you said that to me what I thought I would feel I didn't," she stutters, "I don't know if I'm in the same place as you."

what happened?
They had a great date together, I thought??

"I don't think spending this night together would be fair to you," she says.

"Uh, okay."



Chase is not pleased. I don't blame him. He just professed his love for her and this is how she responds??? How rude!

I mean I guess it's good she's being honest. But what is honesty really in terms of this show?

She has no idea what to say.
"Just stop," he sighs.
"Talk to me!" she cries.
"WHY?" he asked. "What do you want me to say? That was so terrifying of me to say."

I don't blame him at all. He has a right to be mad. She's been asking him to share his feelings and be more open and basically forced him to say he loves her. When he finally does she rejects him. Like, why pressure him so much if you're just going to turn him away?

This is sick.

Then she goes, "If we met outside of this and I didn't have any other relationships to compare it to you, I would be so happy and so lucky."

what?



Just stop.
you're making this worse, J.

I mean I get that she wants to be honest about her feelings, I do. I get her wanting to be fair to him, but it just sucks she made him jump through so many hoops.

Chase clearly doesn't handle rejection well. He is angry and upset. He doesn't cry though. Chad would be proud.

I don't get how JoJo can be so fucking upset and then bright and chipper the next day at the rose ceremony.

"I just feel really confident about these relationships that we have left."

Really?
Because Jordan and Robby are DOUCHEBAGS.

AND THEIR HAIR BOTHERS ME OK I SAID IT

AND I CAN NO LONGER TELL THEM APART.

And they're BOTH former pro athletes. Will that provide them for the rest of time? I'm confused. What kind of life will they live with JoJo?

During the rose ceremony, J begins telling Jordan and Robby how terrible she feels about sending Chase home and just as she is saying this, Chase conveniently STROLLS IN.



Chase pulls her away, "Can I talk you for a sec?"

dramatic music swells.

He's already gone.
She's not bringing him back. Everyone calm down.

He actually has a job so she's NOT interested.

Chase comes back to apologize for the way he behaved. He didn't want to end things that way.

OK Chase. You're not a great and interesting guy all of the sudden. You're not going to be the next bachelor....

I mean you're nice and all but I can't with him for a whole season.

TEAM CHAD4THEBACHELOR2016

He says she is great and knows she will make the right decision, blah, blah bull shit.

"When did falling in love get so HARD?" JoJo cries.

oh PLEASE bitch.



"It's so hard being in love with two men!"

LOL ok like the love I feel for both Jon Snow and Robb Stark?

And they're brothers.

*spoiler alert*

well not really.

I feel so bad for JoJo. Life's rough, man.



Well. I may or may not write tomorrow for the men tell all. I'm prepared to throw down for Chad.
If need be.

I just can't watch JoJo cry one more time. Not because I feel bad for her but I feel like Kourtney does towards Kim.



Until then,

Kaitie

xo

Betchy Bacehlorette Monday: Bachelorette JoJo Week 7

Hey everyone! Damn, we have been apart far too long you guys.



Let's get right to it.

Bachelorette JoJo is reeling from her "very tough" week last week in which she did not send Alex or James Taylor home despite probably WANTING to send them both home. I mean, come on. There's no way either of them are winning this thing.

Papi H walks in to greet the guys in their Argentinian hotel room, looking casual in a sweater. He informs them there will be three one-on-ones, and a group date. No more date roses though (except for the group date rose - confusing).



This week is a big deal, apparently, because after this, it's HOMETOWN dates.

The first date card goes to Alex who hasn't had much play time since his two-on-one hero date with Chad a few weeks back. The other guys are relieved that Alex will now SHUT THE FUCK UP about having his one-on-one time with JoJo. Like the rest of them haven't been complaining about anything at all...

They out into the countryside together. It's....not great you guys. They are a little awkward together.

Meanwhile, the others get on their bus to the next location. This is the season of songwriters, apparently. They decide to freestyle rap about Alex's date and it's kind of funny because they drag him pretty hard for being short.

Alex, also, decides to freestyle to JoJo. This must be a hobby within the house.

They seem to be driving for a very long time, and not talking at all. So that's promising.



They finally arrive at an authentic Argentinian ranch where they will be gauchos. NOW I know where the pant style comes from. You guys, The Bachelor/ette has finally taught me a useful lesson. This is very exciting. Alex is really hoping that J feels the way about him the way he feels for her (?) Not really sure how he feels about her as they've barely talked aside from him complaining about Chad.

Speaking of Chad. Everyone follow his snapchat immediately. I think his name is ChadJohnson.

So Alex walks out in his gaucho attire. I don't know why he has to wear this little beret/hat thing yet JoJo doesn't have to. I definitely think she should be wearing the weird hat, too.

Meanwhile, the guys are enjoying their bro-date. I think they should start a boy-band. They spend the time talking about JoJo/Alex and eating questionable meat. Cool. Goodtimes.



Are we supposed to take Alex seriously with that hat?

They watch a gaucho seduce its horse. It's more romantic than any sort of chemistry between JoJo and Alex, that's for sure. Never underestimate a man's love for his horse. This is both sexyyyyyy and creeeeppppy.

Apparently, Alex is a horse whisperer and this turns JoJo on. so now there is chemistry between them, I guess!

I feel like allllll of Alex's clothes are just A LITTLE TOO TIGHT. I mean, I'm not complaining, but good Lord in heaven. He may pop out at any minute.

Meanwhile, the next date card is delivered to the Bachelorette Boys. Jordan gets YET ANOTHER one-on-one date. It's only his second but seems like his thirteenth. He needs to cut his FUCKING hair.
ok.
I'm sorry.

I know you guys all like his hair.



Alex tells JoJo, back during their cocktail hour, that he is fallen for her....and that he fell in love with her the moment he first saw her.
WHAT?!
Also, what lip stick does JoJo wear because she licks her lips CONSTANTLY and it still looks great. Wonder if it's Kylie's lip kit...

She looks super hesitant as to what to say next.
I do feel like Alex may murder her if she sends him home.

Oh. dear.
She just did.

She tries to explain the reasoning as to why she is NOT vibing.
He's clearly pissed off. She walks him out and it's the longest walk ever. Will Alex cry?
J is like, "I have no idea how to do this!"
WELL COME ON. I mean, you had to think about sending people home. It's not all roses and wine, betches. THERE IS HEARTBREAK HERE.
"I don't know what the fuck I'm doing!" she claims.
Hey, don't worry about it. No one knows what the fuck they're doing.
You'd have to be a sociopath to be "good" at this show.

Alex barely says a word, doesn't look her in the eye (very mature), and DOESN'T cry. The producers are probably pissed off - he refuses to talk at all. No sappy outro speech for Alex.



Alex was good-looking, a little dramatic, and definitely not useful to the show. Sorry. I said it.
I just feel bad he had to endure a long day in that ridiculously beautiful beret for NOTHING.

Now it's Jordan's turn to shine. Ah, the framing of their "overcoming all odds" relationship trope continue. I wonder what kind of shit from his past JoJo will bring up with him on this date.

In comparison to their long ass ride in a Jeep through the country, J takes Jordan in a private jet. She takes him to a vineyard where they're going to get wasted AF. But first, they must crush the grapes with their nasty feet after hiking through the vineyard. Yum.

"That feels kind of good!" Jordan says. The FREAK.

So as if this wasn't gross enough they reach their wine glasses into the barrels and scoop out some foot juice - then they fucking DRINK IT LIKE THE SICK FREAKS THEY ARE.

OH  BUT WAIT.

There's a strategically placed hot-tub to bop on in to.
Nice.



Meanwhile, the guys back at the hotel talk mad smack about Jordan using his brother's fame to win JoJo's heart. So this means A- they're petty AF B- they're fake because they suck up to Jordan and C- they're insulting JoJo's character and intelligence.
So that's fucking shitty.

"When she looks at him, does she see a husband, or box seats at a football game?"

oh cut the dramatics.

No but really though.
A girl's gotta get her season tickets somehow.

The date card arrives and Chase, James, and Robby are going on the group date.
SERIOUSLY all of these guys look the same LMAO.

I usually am so good with names, but they keep confusing me. Same haircut, same facial hair, same whiney voices. Also, I've had a lot of pino grigio.

"So...who am I going to meeting on your hometown?" JoJo asks, stars in her eyes, hoping that he'll say Aaron, of course. He says everyone but, and tells her Aaron won't be there. He proceeds to tell her that he's not close with Aaron and they've chosen very different paths in life. Jordan has decided to remain close to home/his family.

aka he wasn't as good of a football player as Aaron.

Also, way to drag your brother into the street for all to see ON NATIONAL TELEVISION, Jordan. Damn, that was the only reason JoJo was going to marry you! Now what?!

Talking mad shit.

He says he doesn't even think Aaron knows that Jordan is doing this show.
LOL

So much for those box seats.
Drank his foot juice for nothing.



BUT WAIT
Then he tells her "I am so in love with you"

REALLY?

She responds by making out with him.
To us, she says, "I feel love...I mean, I feel really loved."

OH GOD. She can't even hide the fact that she so clearly loves Jordan. This show is a bore y'all. Throw it in now. Jordan will win this show.

I'm willing to put $50 and my last bottle of wine on that.

Moving on.

Group date time.
The date gets rained out. BOOOOOOOOOO this FUCKING SUCKS.
They're just hanging out in a hotel.
You're trying to tell me they couldn't post-pone ONE DAY?
So instead, JoJo has them all hanging out in her suite where she orders shitty room service food. James Taylor bets the others he can eat the most food of all of them. No one doubts him. But he continues with the play anyway. JoJo dares him to shove as many french fries in his mouth as possible. And it's way too much/really disgusting. Dare I say, grosser than foot/wine juice.

JoJo get on a bit of a power trip, demanding the men massage one another, and then they play charades. She then dares Robby to strip to his underwear and run down the hallway of this 5 star hotel. He looks...very nice. I daresay....in those Calvins.

Also, how DRUNK are they?

When does the orgy begin?



James Taylor decides that Robby is getting too much attention and it's time to end that. So he tells JoJo that Robby was checking out other girls outside of the hotel. Right there. In front of everyone. Well then!

The orgy begins with a little spooning on the bed with J and her three guys, watching the Bachelor: Brazil edition. So meta.

James won't stop with the "Wandering Eye Robby" and it's clearly bugging Drunk Robby. Chase is like, "What's happening?" very confused.

Also, stop all laying on the bed together.
This makes me uncomfortable.
If this were a bachelor with three women - can you even imagine?

I feel like I'm intruding.



Can we just send James Taylor home?

I'm sick of his mansplaining and bitchiness.

Robby and JoJo take some one-on-one time together. Robby talks about his ex - who he SURPRISE just broke up with before the show...........
JoJo is uneasy about this.
Understandably so.
Although she is dating four other guys...so..



Robby drunkenly assures her that he is in this for her, for love, for THE WIN. I mean, the guy in an Olympian. He wants to win.

J takes some time with Chase. How is he still here?
I mean, he's a nice guy. But super neutral. Hey, maybe he's the dark horse. Maybe he'll win?
Can you imagine?

I am always surprised when he gets a full sentence out.

That's bitchy of me, but whatever.



James takes his time with J to talk about their connection. JoJo tries to ask him about hometowns/his family, and he changes the subject...yet again comparing himself to the other guys in the house. "I feel like you have a more physical relationship with them...and our relationship is more...sweet"
Yet again, playing the nice guy angle.
I literally can't.
So what, is he asking her to put out now?
JoJo reassures him that he's a good man/gives him the validation that his sensitive ass needs.

She tells him that she can see him being her husband.
Which is unfortunate because he definitely isn't winning.

It's either him or Chase going home this week y'all.

"I am...very much in the process of falling for you," James says.
LOL
How romantic.



The three men get into a...riveting...conversation about who the "front-runner" is. James says he thinks Luke and Jordan are. This pisses Robby off, in particular. Robby's shirt is ridiculous. Can he please button it at some point? Once again, Chase is just sitting there, trying to comprehend it all.

JoJo is ready to give out the date rose, the only safety rose of the week - and gives it to Robby. Which means she is ready to meet his family, for sure. I guess he was right about being the "front runner" (at least amongst this group). They're all so wasted.

J tells the other two "ok you've got to go now...byyyyyyeeeee"
James spills his drink on the way out whilst hugging her. Awkward.

Ten bucks Robby and JoJo FUCK tonight.

I'm sorry James just bugs me with his whole "nice guy", "kicked puppy" act. Guys like this are so good at making women fall for them out of pity/feel guilty when they don't feel anything back for the guy. Like stop being so self-loathing and "woe-is-me."

I don't feel sorry for him.
And if you do, DON'T.

He put himself in this situation on this reality shwo, and positioned himself as the self-proclaimed nice guy. I don't doubt he's a nice guy, but he needs to cut it out with the cry-baby routine.

I won't be sad if he goes, that's for sure.
Go find a nice girl who is willing to listen to your shit.



(not that I think Robby is a great guy/picture of perfection, let me just say that FYI)

oh god. Do I sound like Chad?

Time for Luke and JoJo's date. She takes him to a horse barn. So they're going to do some riding/playing with horses. Also, his shirt is a little too unbuttoned too.

Also, is he drunk?

Are they always DRUNK?

I'M SORRY BUT I SHIP THEM.
Every time they are together it's just perfect.

If she doesn't pick him to win I'll be sad.

Also, what the hell with the two horse dates?
That seems like a lot to me.



Luke returns from the date. The men are surprised at how short his date was? Luke is like, "uh well I think we're going straight into the rose ceremony."

THE MEN FREAK OUT.

"If JoJo sends me home...it would just be...catastrophic," Chase says.
Whoa, big word.
Also, cut it with the dramatics, dude. This isn't Pompeii.

The Rose Ceremony gets started.
JoJo reminds them that this is hard for her.
Remember, Robby is safely with a rose.
Let's get to it.

1- Luke
2- Jordan
oh, surprise surprise...it's between James and Chase.
3- Chase

Thus, sending dear old James Taylor home.
Not THE James Taylor, but A James Taylor.

Jim says bye to his bros.
J walks him out and they sit to talk for a second.
They have a very tearful goodbye.

HE'LL BE FINE YOU GUYS.

Meanwhile, back inside Chase JUST realized he got a rose.





WELL guys. We have our final four!
Luke, Jordan, Robby, and Chase(?!)



Next week is hometowns and it's going to be a wild ride.

Until then,

Kaitie
xo