We start off the episode with some ominous music and a mysterious guest arriving at Bachelor Mansion. It turns out to be Jimmy Kimmel (which we learned last week from the preview, but whatever) and he's here to read us some mean tweets.
Jimmy wakes Bachelor Chris up during a slumber and Chris is a bit overwhelmed to say the least, as most would be.
Jimmy then goes on to meet the girls and refers to them as "sister wives" which is pretty funny. The girls cheer madly for him. I'm sure a few of them *cough cough Hollywood Britt* see it as their opportunity to maybe get their name out there and become a star. He claims that he is here to help, and God help us all.
Jimmy Kimmel also provides an 'Amazing Jar' in which every time anyone says the word "amazing" they have to put a dollar in the jar. So that's kind of funny, too.
Because Jimmy is there, Papa Harrison takes a step back and he is dressed super casual, looking good.
Jimmy delivers the first one on one date card of the night to Plow My Fields Kaitlyn, who excitedly accepts. We discover that Jimmy is the one who will be planning the dates tonight. The card reads that they'll be going to an exclusive club with high beams and hor d'oeuvres.
Plow My Fields Kaitlyn and Bachelor Chris spend a majority of their limo ride trying to figure out where it is they might be going.
Then the limo parks in front of Costco.
They should just have Jimmy Kimmel plan the dates every week, making this show even more of a joke than it already is.
Chris and Kaitlyn aren't particularly excited about being at Costco which...EXCUSE ME! Costco is awesome! Have you ever been in Costco?? It's grocery shopping if grocery shopping was doing some serious cocaine. Everything is bigger and better at Costco. How DARE they insult Costco.
Rude.
Anyways. They are inside of Costco and "making the best of it." They do seem to be having quite a good time. They buy ketchup and steaks in bulk.
Kaitlyn finds this blow up ball that she goes in and Chris joins in her in the inflatable nightmare ball and they have some stranger children roll them around in it before making out.
I have no idea how two grown adults fit in there, or how they got out but I'm sure the producers at this show have seen some weirder shit than that.
Chris really seems smitten with Kaitlyn, and I would even go as far as to say Hollywood Britt (the first love) has a run for her money.
The two begin preparing dinner for when Jimmy Kimmel shows up to ruin it. They flirt and laugh and make fun of each other, and it's all light hearted and fun. Jimmy arrives and makes things awkward by asking about sex and the fantasy suite. Kaitlyn handles the questions with grace and ease. Jimmy goes as far as to call Kaitlyn a man...because apparently women who drink bourbon, eat steak, and don't think sex is a big deal are not real. I must say, I don't think anyone could have handled this date quite as well as she did. I mean, can you imagine if this was Ashley I (Kardashian) or Ashley S (Actual Headcase) on this date? (cringes)
After the date, Kaitlyn definitely seems to be a front-runner for now. Although, while she is fun, light hearted, and the token 'cool girl' does she really seem like the kind of girl who wants to settle down, marry, and move to a farm in Iowa? I'm not so sure.
you go girl
That's why they're on here, right? To get married? I didn't miss the point, correct?
Plus, I think Kaitlyn is kind of bitchy when she talks about the other girls...not that it's not warranted considering that's what I'm doing now. I guess I don't have room to talk.
BUT I MEAN COME ON, THESE GIRLS ARE INSANE.
Next comes the group date which includes Hollywood Britt, Jillian Michaels, Becca, Tracy, Mackenzie, Kelsey, Amber, Ashley S, Juelia, Samantha, Nikki, and Carly if that means anything to you.
Jillian Michaels makes sure to get in a good workout before the date and works out her ass, the producers black it out again...I guess I'm just confused. Is she not wearing panties?
Moving on.
We arrive at the date. Jimmy Kimmel has a 'farming challenge' set up including milking a goat, frying an egg, and catching a pig. It's all very humiliating.
Jillian, of course, makes it into some kind of obstacle course which will allow her to show off her ass.
Carly wins the competition surprisingly. If you don't remember who this is, don't feel bad. She's the girl who arrived out of the limo singing on what I refer to as a Barbie karaoke machine. She also had thin eyebrows.
Carly and Chris spend a few moments taking an 'American Gothic' photo together, which I don't really think is a fun gift personally. I'm more of a Van Gogh kind of gal.
Moving on to the cocktail portion of the date, Carly wastes no time pulling Chris aside and getting her time with him. They don't really talk much but she uses the "you're a man, and I'm a woman" and I begin pulling my own hair out. oh god oh god oh god...she's going in for the kiss.
I roll off of my couch in embarrassing anguish.
I can't even watch the thirst right now.
Jillian Michaels pulls him aside next, dances with him as if to pretend it is their first wedding dance, then she kisses him. But she's not alone. Chris kisses a few more girls, making everyone feel really, really special I'm sure.
Mackenzie, the fifteen year old in both personality, mentality, and looks, decides to stand up to Chris. She pulls him aside and asks him why he is kissing everyone. I feel for this situation. But a- you knew you were getting into this b- don't think you're special just because you get the first one-on-one date and c- you're annoying AF.
Someone had to say it to him, I just wish it wasn't her...and I wish she wasn't so damn annoying about it. She like giggles and acts crazy. It just simply shows that she is a child.
I can't stand girls who try so hard to be cute. Like just stop, please, for the love of all that is holy.
After all this craziness, Becca, who has flown rather under the radar takes a few minutes to talk to Chris. They seem very natural together. She's not crazy or overbearing. They just talk like two friends trying to get to know each other, and maybe date.
And then...
She tells him that she won't kiss him. She says that she wants to, but it doesn't feel right yet, and it is something special to her. He likes that because it means he has to work for it.
This earns her the rose.
The other girls are livid, but Becca deserves the rose IMO. She is literally the only girl I think at this point who hasn't made out with Chris.
I'd say so far, Kaitlyn and Becca are definitely at Britt's level...if not even exceeding her.
The one on one date card comes and it goes to Whitney the Sperm Nurse with the ridiculously high pitched voice. She kind of starts crying when she gets the invite and I feel like that is just a lot.
I'm just dreading listening to her talk on this date.
SORRY.
that was mean.
They go to this beautiful winery together and Whitney starts off the date strong, almost like a job interview, asking him exactly what he is looking for. You can tell she isn't afraid to ask for what she wants. She really seems to be listening to every single word he is saying. As opposed to the other girls who try so hard to lay their entire life story out on the line at first, Whitney wants to learn more about him, which I think is interesting.
Together, they spot a wedding happening far off in the distance.
Whitney gets the wild idea that they should cancel the rest of their planned date and crash the wedding. Chris seems hesitant at first, but definitely seems like he wants to try it.
The producers are like "uh, idk how this will work?" but at this point Whitney is really talking it up, and how could Chris deny her this? So fuck it, let's do this thing.
So sure enough, they dress up in nice clothes, she puts a fake wedding ring on, and they crash the reception.
This is wild!
I'm genuinely impressed with her, and this whole situation. I am also very on edge because I feel like they are totally going to get caught. I mean, I highly doubt this wasn't at least a LITTLE bit staged...or maybe even a lot, but still. It's nerve racking to me.
They take some time to dance like fools WITH THE BRIDE AND GROOM BTW.
This is a monumental moment. I definitely think Whitney the Sperm Nurse is a front runner now. After the wedding, Chris runs off to get the rose and offers it to her, but he does it in such a way that he looks like he is going to fucking cry...like is he in love with her or what?
He goes, "I can see myself marrying Whitney"
WHAT?!?! SAY WHAT?
She is in first place, for sure! And somehow her voice just got less annoying!
The next day, Bachelor Chris preps himself for the cocktail party/rose ceremony by bathing in his outdoor shower with Jimmy Kimmel (that's not a joke)
Jimmy then goes to find the girls and tells them that there won't be a cocktail party, but instead a pool party. The girls act excited and dress to the nines for this pool party adventure.
Gotta love a token pool party.
Bachelor Chris jumps into the pool and the girls literally swarm him like a bunch of crocodiles around a fat piece of meat.
Juelia decides that this is the only time she can tell him about her daughter and ex who killed himself.
Wow, way to bring the mood down.
I'm sorry. I don't mean to sound insensitive. But why is there this rush to tell him all this? I get that she wants him to know her, but it's kind of obvious she's doing this for pity and to get his attention. It's kind of sick, actually. I don't know, it just felt really weird to me and I wasn't a huge fan.
I don't doubt going through that is the worst thing in the world, but to spill it all out on The Bachelor to some man you just met and are fighting for attention from seems a little...crazy to me.
Directly after this, Chris wastes no time making out with Britt. This pisses Jade off, who decides it is time to make a move. So she asks him to give her a tour of his bachelor pad. Of course, Chris can't deny this chance to have more of the kissing/groping. They test out the bed to make sure it's comfortable, and then they make out and he grabs her ass a bit. All the while she is wearing these really fancy heels that seem like a bit much for a pool party.
Meanwhile, Jillian Michaels decides to make her big move and waits outside of his bachelor pad in the hot tub. They black out her ass again. LOL this is too much.
So Jade and Chris come out, Jade goes back to the party, Chris goes to the hot tub with Jade's lipstick still on his face and wastes no time making out with Jillian then.
Soon enough the three dumbest girls in the competition: Mackenzie, Megan, and Ashley I arrive, looking for some time with Chris. Ashley I (Kardashian) is REALLY REALLY stressed that she won't get any time with Chris and they awkwardly all sit in the hot tub together as Ashley mumbles about how they will make their time equal. However, Jillian isn't letting up. Ashley takes this as a personal attack, thinking that Jillian should be letting her have her time. Ashley then storms off and cries like a twelve year old who didn't get her turn to sing karaoke at the sleepover party.
It just amazes me how obvious these girls are when they fight over Chris. It's actually really sad to watch.
YEEIKES.
Chris, being the nice guy he is, finds Ashley I after she's had a full on emotional breakdown like an immature child and they have some time together. She begins cry-laughing like a lunatic. She is so caught up on not having enough time with Chris and how Jillian wouldn't let her have time that she brings that up to Chris, who clearly doesn't know what to do or say. He tries to say he understands...but I mean who could understand this nut job? Ashley doesn't know what to do or say, so she just grabs him and begins making out with him again...sucking his face...I mean literally. There was a lot of suction.
She is definitely going to look back on her time on this show and regret how insane she acted. At least I hope she realizes.
And Chris CLEARLY does not know how to say no.
Yuck, what a fucking mess.
Finally, the rose ceremony arrives (don't forget Kaitlyn, Becca, and Whitney already have roses):
1- Jade (he wants to tests more mattresses with you)
2- Samantha (who is this?)
3- Juelia (best party pooper ever)
4- Mackenzie (the one who looks and acts 15, mother of Kale)
5- Kelsey (where have you been, girl?)
6- Hollywood Britt (she gives this look like 'duh, of course he's picking me' and it's kind of annoying tbh how she thinks she has this in the bag)
7- Megan (just the most)
8- Carly ("you're a man, I'm a woman")
9- Ashley S (okay...seriously Chris...Jesus..)
10- Nikki (who?!)
11- Jillian Michaels
Jimmy Kimmel comes out to let everyone know that this will be the final rose, Papa Harrison watches from the hallway proudly, but also excited for Jimmy to leave soon
12- Ashley I. (Kardashian...eugh)
We say goodbye to Trina, Tracy, Amber, and I think one other irrelevant. They focus on Amber crying and upset. She says she has nothing to say. I feel really awful because once again, the black woman is kicked off. It's like have they ever had ANY contestants or god forbid a bachelor/ette that hasn't been 100% white? It's really actually alarming and annoying. I'm sorry Amber, I'm sorry that this show fucking sucks.
Losers of the night:
Ashley I in a big way. She's solidified herself as perhaps being even crazier than Ashley S. Way to go.
Mackenzie everything about her now annoys me. It's time to go, Curly Sue.
Nikki and Samantha because I STILL DON'T KNOW WHO THEY ARE.
Jillian's ass. For all those workouts and how much she brags it sucks the world will never see it. Thanks producers.
Winners of the night:
Plow My Fields Kaitlyn for clearly being one of Chris's favorites
Whitney the Sperm Nurse...FOR SURE the front runner now.
Becca for being the only one not to kiss Chris.
Costco.
Number of times Chris made out with someone tonight:
At least 7
Brow games that were strong:
3, and negative points for Carly
Number of times I felt uncomfortable:
52
Until next time,
Kaitie
xo
stay safe
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