Also, I had to pause House of Cards for this...so it better be worth it tonight.
We start off with Papa Harrison telling the girls that this is now getting very serious and Bachelor Chris is FOR SURE in it for the long haul. He also then says that this week they'll be trying something new...Chris's three sisters will be picking who goes on the one on one date.
WHOA BOY.
We proceed then to the first group date which includes 8 girls that I don't feel like writing the names down for. The card reads "let's keep things natural" which I find comical considering most of these women wouldn't know how to be natural if they tried. So let's watch this mess unfold.
Megan says she is feeling "really great" about it, like almost to the point where I think she might be high on something.
So anyways. They're at some lake apparently in the middle of nowhere. Chris says he is really excited to see how these girls will be in nature aka how good they all look in their bikinis.
Ashley I Kardashian claims to be "so shy" and doesn't know how the hell she is going to talk to him. UM HELLO. Let's flashback to last week when she almost kissed him off of a balcony!?
Naturally, she decides to take her top off of her bikini and jump into the lake.
Don't worry, Kaitlyn then takes her bottoms off to make things even.
Meanwhile, back at Bachelor Mansion, Chris's three very sweet looking sisters arrive. God help them. They do not know what they're walking into. Carly the Cruise Ship Singer answers the door, already prepared to do a lot of sucking up. Jillian Michaels is asleep out by the pool aka probably passed out drunk, in her bikini with her blacked out ass, again.
She claims to be super embarrassed, although I am not really sure how someone like her could even be embarrassed about anything. Yet, I don't really blame her. They pull Whitney, the Sperm Nurse aside first. They seem to get along really well. They then talk to some of the other girls including Hollywood Britt who seems really, really confident. The girls all seem to be getting along with the sisters just fine.
Jade comes up and acts like this sweet, innocent girl from Nebraska. OK. We all remember last week when you pulled him into his bachelor pad in your little vixen heels and made out with him on his bed. I remember the way he grabbed your ass, girlfriend. So don't play innocent with me.
Just saying.
We go back to the date then. They're all enjoying lakeside fun and playing Red Rover, which is my grade school nightmare, personally. Kelsey, the skinny girl with the short hair that lost her husband, is not pleased. She claims that this is the worst time she's ever had, that she hates how they are in the middle of nowhere and outdoors, and then complains about being stung by a bee. Someone needs her nap.
Also, bitch...can I just say, how the fuck do you expect to be a farmer's wife in Iowa if you can't even handle a lake trip..?
Do you realize what Iowa is?
She goes as far as to say she wants to stab herself with a fork in her eye.
As the queen of dramatic statements, that is a little dramatic to me.
Chris then informs them all that they'll be camping their tonight together.
YAY.
Let's pretend to enjoy this!
They set up tents and by some miracle, Mackenzie and Ashley I Kardashian manage to get theirs together after what was probably hours.
Meanwhile back at Bachelor Mansion, the sisters continue grilling the ladies of the house. Carly, the Cruise Ship singer gets asked about her past relationships. She starts crying saying her ex was a jack-ass, and we feel you girl. She then says she wants a relationship like her grandparents, and don't we all?
I'm sure she'll win the date now because she cried.
The girls then make dinner together and talk about who the sisters will pick. The date card then comes and goes to 'Sweet', 'Innocent', 'Shy' Jade. Everyone pretends to act happy. Britt is shocked and jealous, of course, because she truly believes she is number one. Don't blame her.. I think Jade is a little faker IMO.
Back to the camping trip from hell.
The rose suddenly appears and all of the girls' eyes get glossy with hunger. Ashley I Kardashian gets emotional and wants the rose more than anything in the world.
Plow My Fields Kaitlyn pulls Chris aside and they talk--they seem to have a real connection. Against my better judgment, I am enjoying them together TBH. They seem natural together. Is it because she's really good with guys? Or is there really something there? IDK. Because she definitely seems like the kind of girl who people like.
Kelsey is still sulking and pouting like a child. However, when Chris comes around, her smile shines through and she peps up like the energizer bunny. He pulls her aside and she smiles wildly, laughing fakely. It's all so fake, I hate it. I'm mad at myself for ever liking her.
Drinks are flowing then, and the women start getting a little loose and crazy. In particular, Ashley S, who probably shouldn't be mixing alcohol with her meds. Mackenzie talks about aliens.
Chris then scares them whilst wearing a mask, which is really a great idea.
Shit is just getting weird. Ashley S then takes some time with Chris and attempts to talk about astrology (which I can appreciate) but then she sort of goes off on a tangent that neither he nor we can understand. God bless him. She leans forward and kisses him, which he lets her, probably in fear for his life. The girls then save him from her by screaming his name.
Ashley I Kardashian aka the new star of this show apparently, puts on some lipgloss before getting her alone time with him. She tells him that she has a huge crush on him, babbles about that for a few minutes, and then runs out of things to say, so just makes out with him, as she usually does.
CHRIS, COME ON. STOP KISSING THEM.
Who the hell is he going to give this rose to? I mean, this is a stone cold pack of weirdos we've got on our hands.
He gives the rose to the only option, Kaitlyn. Who is coincidentally also the only one of them who actually had a conversation with him.
Ashley I decides that tonight is the night that she is going to tell him that she is a virgin and has never had a boyfriend before. *cringes*
So what's the appropriate way to tell a man that you're a virgin whilst on a camping trip? Sneaking into his tent in the middle of the night, of course.
I mean this guy was in the midst of a deep sleep and she wants to tell him now?!
I'm confused by her.
So she basically tells him without telling him. Mind you, he's in a confused daze. Instead of telling him point blank, she dances around the subject, saying she's a 'huge nerd' which apparently coincides with 'virgin.'
He nods in understanding, but is clearly lost. He lets us know in his interview that he had no idea wtf she was talking about.
They return from the group date and find out that Jade got the one-on-one date card from Chris's sisters. The card reveals that the date will be Cinderella themed. Everyone pretends to act really happy. Except, of course, Ashley I. Ashley throws a tantrum, running around the house, acting like this was supposed to be her date because she's a princess, and it's always been her dream to be a Disney princess.
UM HELLO BITCH. It's everyone's dream to be a Disney princess. That doesn't mean it's going to fucking happen. Pull it together. Good LORD.
So these odd people come running into the house, shouting Jade's name, demanding that it's time for her makeover. The fairy godmother has pink hair, FYI. So they have her try on dresses and jewelry as all the girls watch in excited jealously. Ashley I looks like she might actually murder for this and continues acting like a fucking psychopath as she has since day one.
(^Jade and Ashley)
The godmother shows Jade her glass slippers and also a trailer for the new Cinderella film..?
{INSERT SHAMELESS PLUG FOR DISNEY'S LIVE ACTION CINDERELLA HERE}
This blog is sponsored by Disney.
Also, holla at Robb Stark playing Prince Charming. u look good boi, miss u.
So we see the finished product of Jade, who looks lovely in a modern day Cinderella dress. I'm not wild about it personally, but she pulls it off. Her carriage aka a white Rolly comes on up and whisks her away.
While Bachelor Chris is awaiting his mystery date, he practices his ballroom dancing alone.
God awful, btw.
So she appears at the top of the steps, it's all very romantic. They smile at one another, acting all cute and happy. It's a true joy. There's violins and music and candles and a big glass slipper.
He is clearly relieved it's her and not any of the crazies.
Plus, he really enjoyed pinching her booty last week, if you catch mah drift.
So they sit together and eat and talk. Jade tells him about her life and whatnot. They both talk about their broken off engagements from a young age. They talk about some more insignificant things and are really hitting it off I guess.
IDK why but I'm just not crazy about Jade. I wish I could be. I just don't buy the act I suppose. I feel as if she's faking this whole 'Even though I live in LA, I'm from Nebraska and I'm a cute, shy girl at heart'.
IDK though.That's just my dumb ass opinion. I'm sure she's a lovely girl.
Chris gives her the rose and then they go ballroom dancing on this platform with a live symphony. It's all so romantic and sweet.
But wow. I mean if this isn't setting the standards WAY WAY high for dating, then I don't even KNOW.
I mean, the most romantic date I've ever been on was appetizers and drinks at TGIF Fridays in which he paid for my Mudslide.
OH FINE. THEY'RE CUTE. FINE, JADE, FINE.
No beds on this date, sorry Chris.
Once the clock strikes midnight, she must be off. So I guess the producers told her she has to run down the steps, which is kind of cheesy and also dangerous.
Run bitch, run!
Meanwhile, back at the house Ashley I wears a gown and does her hair and makeup. She's very sad and upset that she didn't get to go on the princess date, so she makes her own. She sits alone and forlorn as the girls make fun of her while eating corn on the cob.
The group date card arrives along with six wedding gowns?
Uh, okay. Fine. I'll bite.
So the girls for this date all wear their dresses, looking like brides and whatnot. Next, they arrive at a Muck Fest aka some sort of mud run for charity. Of course, to be clever, they'll do it in the wedding dresses. Duh.
Obviously this date is rigged up to where Jillian Michaels can win. None of the other girls even stand a chance. One girl's dress is literally huge and she can't even make it through the first obstacle. A definite unfair disadvantage.
Can you imagine Kelsey in this situation? She'd weep.
Jilllian starts off strong, and then of course dominates, leaving the other girls in her trail. Carly claims that Jillian is probably a man and that's why she's winning...which is a little rude IMO. Just because she's athletic and strong she's a man? Okay..? Idk who Carly thinks she is all of the sudden, but she's acting like a little bitch. I would know because I'm a bitch too.
Chris takes some time to talk to them all and help them out,
probably putting off his date with Jillian as long as possible. Jk. But eventually
they all make it to the end and are sent packing, while Jillian wins the one on
one.
Chris explains that he really likes Jillian, says that she
is definitely one of the top choices as of now before the date…which is a shock
to all of us. Jillian begins talking on the date and doesn’t really stop.
Jillian talks about fitness a lot. As most people who are passionate about
things do. She talks a lot, and quickly, Chris can no longer comprehend.
He tells her that he can’t give her the rose because they
don’t have anything in common, basically. So he sends her home. She talks very
quickly even through her tears. And so we say goodbye to Jillian Michaels.
It's all very shocking. Also, did any of us actually take her seriously though?
I mean, come on.
God bless her.
The girls are all nervous after hearing he sent Jillian home. Megan pulls him aside first at the cocktail party. She doesn't know who
or where she is so that gives her a leg up because at least she’s relaxed. She
makes him taste food blindfolded in hopes that it’s romantic? I'm not really sure. But it's weird as hell.
Ashley I takes him next, and wants to clarify AGAIN that she is IN FACT a
virgin. She goes about it in the most awkward way possible.
OH GOD I AM
CRINGING.
Chris claims he admires that, but I feel like she’s just so insane
how could he take this well? She’s freaking the fuck out. They didn’t kiss. So
she walks away crying and upset thinking that because he didn’t kiss her that
he now hates her. She’s blowing it up like crazy. The girls try to comfort her,
but comforting a lunatic is no easy task.
I was trying to drink every time Ashley I had some sort of
meltdown but I PASSED OUT DRUNK IN FRONT OF MY FIREPLACE TWO HOURS AGO.
Meanwhile, he’s making out with Carly for the first time.
LOL.
Becca tells Ashley that she is also a virgin, but hasn’t
even thought to tell him. BECAUSE WHO WOULD? That’s her business, not everyone’s.
I don’t get why this virginity thing is such a big fucking deal to Ashley. I mean
I get your virtue is a big deal .. but Ashley blows everything way out of proportion like it's the end of the line for her. Also she then
looks upset that Becca is also a virgin like that’s not only her thing now.
Britt is upset that she hasn’t seen chris at all. So she
pulls him aside, upset about the other dates, particularly the camping date
where Kaitlyn took her pants off. She’s defensive against Kaitlyn for sure
because she’s more the number one bae than Britt is now.
Chris is upset that Britt
is questioning him and his intentions rather than talking about herself/bonding with him. Chris
bumbles, trying to think of a way to respond. Britt clearly just wants to hear that he
likes her the most still no matter what and he’s not saying that. So then he
comes back into the rose ceremony pissed saying if anyone doesn’t believe he’s
here for the right reasons then they can leave. Britt feels bad.
God forbid anyone try to call out the Bachelor/ette for acting like an ass hole on this damn television program.
But who cares. Let's begin.
Rose ceremony:
Everything is difficult.
- 1- Whitney
- 2- Carly
- 3- Megan
- 4- Samantha
- 5- Mackenzie
- 6- Kelsey
- 7- Becca
- 8- Ashley I
- 9- Britt
Sends Ashley S, Juelia, and some other girl who I do not recall the name of at the current moment.
He gives Juelia a special little goodbye, and she’s crying,
and it’s all very sad. He tells her that she is going to find someone and
whoever it is will be so lucky. Blah blah.
At the end of the episode Ashley S takes time to speak her truth and insists that she is really fine, and could care less about anything.
“I feel nothing” –Ashley S
Yes, that was apparent to us from day one.
Speaking for everyone, I hope you can get some help, Ashley S.
And quickly.
Losers of the night:
Jillian Michaels who didn't even make it ten minutes into her one on one date, it looks like.
Juelia and Ashley S...and also Nikki (I looked up her name) sorry Nikki. Your time on this show was brutally unfair. Also, you had to wear that very heavy wedding dress which was not cool.
Hollywood Britt...you pissed off Chris, that can't be good.
Ashley I...way to make America despise you.
Kelsey for acting like a whiny fake brat, we no longer like you.
All of those wedding dresses that never stood a chance.
Winners of the night:
Kaitlyn, duh for being the new bae
Princess Jade for getting the big romantic date and some expensive free shit
Becca for being the Cool Virgin
Glass slippers
Corn on the cob
Number of times Chris made out with someone tonight:
At least 5
Number of times Ashley I made me want to hurl myself off of a bridge:
anytime she was on screen, so probably like 35 times
Until next time,
Kaitie
xo
PS: I am not a fan of anyone's makeup on this show, and that's the truth.
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