Writing as I go again, so be prepared.
We start off the episode in Sante Fe, New Mexico...which yes, my friends, is in America. Contrary to the belief of half of the women on this television program. Specifically Megan, who genuinely thinks they are going to a Mexican beach town out of the country.
Bachelor Chris lets us know that this week his expectations are 'really high.'
Good luck.
Ashley I Kardashian reiterates again that she is, in fact, a virgin.
Cruise Ship Singer Carly gets the first one-on-one date. She's really, really excited. But how couldn't you be when you act like a cartoon character?
Bachelor Chris greets her and is LOOKING GOOD. He wants to figure out if there is a romantic connection/romantic chemistry between them.
He takes her into an abandoned southwestern ranch home.
Oh, namaste, there is woman meditating in the backyard. Word up.
I can't pronounce or spell this woman's name but apparently she is a love guru who knows the secrets of intimacy. I had no idea Bachelor Chris was so into spirit. They put on some white Ghandi robes and light some incense and shit.
Then they sit back to back and start breathing heavily and humming and all that jazz. Next it's time to get in touch with their sexuality. Carly covers Chris's eyes with a blindfold ..some Fifty Shades shit. Carly is not allowed to talk to him but must feed him and breathe in his face. She says she's not 'into physical intimacy' and I can understand that, especially on national television.
So she feeds him this chocolate covered strawberry and gets it all over his mouth. Next, Bachelor Chris is supposed to basically dry hump Carly.
So then this Love Guru/Sex Guru is like "it's time for the de-robing" and they're like 'WTF?!'
This is a lot for a first date. It's so awkward. So they have to keep eye contact while taking each other's clothes off. And I am genuinely surprised both parties can do this with a straight face. Carly takes Chris's shirt/robe cloth off and it's like NBD, love his body, whatever. So then he takes her shirt/robe cloth off and Carly's got, like, this really cute bandeau bra on that I want to know where it is from for future reference. But then it's time to take the pants off and Carly gets a quick little feel of Chris's ass then goes "I'm uncomfortable"
Good, because so is America.
They stop de-robing one another on THEIR FIRST DATE. The Love Guru tells them this is okay and that instead of STRIPPING EACH OTHER physically...they can just talk. She asks them to each say their fears about love. Chris says something about wanting to find true love or something and Carly goes "My fear is that I'm not worthy of love"
AND OKAY GIRL, PREACH.
Then Chris like whispers to only her, "You are worthy."
OH MY GOD AM I GETTING EMOTIONAL DURING THE BACHELOR?!
DING DING DING....TEARS.
Not really.
But my heart did swell a bit.
To end the date, Carly is to sit on his lap and they are only allowed to breath, not kiss, and touch one another a lot. It feels too intimate to be watching. Like wtf? Is this episode rated NC-17 because I definitely think the editor's had to do some work to hide Chris's boner.
And the fucking Love Guru is sitting there staring at them.
Damn.
Awkward shit.
Meanwhile back at the hotel, Kelsey talks about the death of her husband. She tells Ashley I Kardashian and Mackenzie the alien lover. Ashley I reveals that she finds it a little weird how nonchalant Kelsey is about her husband's death. And I'll, for once, agree with Ashley. Kelsey is quite flippant about this tragedy. She's definitely an actress. I don't doubt that she's lost her husband, but this girl is a fucking actress. Mark my words. Anyways, Kelsey wants the one-on-one so that she can tell Chris her story i.e. get the sympathy rose.
Sorry if that's mean, but it's true.
Juelia did it a few weeks back. And she was most likely going home that night, too.
Back to the date.
Carly and Chris talk a bit, drink, do the usual. Carly talks about her ex, which is probably the number one no-no on a first date. God Bless Chris for listening to that...because she talks about him quite a bit. She does refer to him in terms of his ex making her feel bad about herself. He never wanted to touch her and stuff...WHICH RED FLAG BYE FELICIA. What an ass! So she has low self confidence...which I want to believe...but like, you came on a reality show for love? How low is your self confidence?
Maybe that's just me being bitchy.
I can understand that though. It sucks when you're constantly comparing yourself to other women and when your jack ass of a boyfriend doesn't make you feel good about yourself.
Maybe just don't talk about it at such lengths on the first date. Or maybe at all...to the new guy you're dating. IDK though. Like wtf do I know?
So they seem to have a real connection, they kiss, he gives her a rose, she accepts.
Carly is making her way to the top 5 along with Whitney, Kaitlyn, Britt, and Jade.
the group date arrives and the invite goes to Jade, Megan, Kaitlyn, Whitney, Mackenzie, Becca, Ashley, Kelsey, Samantha, and probably others get the group date card. Kelsey is pissed...says this is 'unacceptable'
But this means Hollywood Britt gets her first one-on-one.
The girls arrive at the Rio Grande. Kelsey continues to discuss how angry and annoyed she is that she isn't alone on this date right now. Kelsey. Go on fucking match.com and not the Bachelor then you stupid fucking moron. I'm sorry but I hate when the girls get like this. THIS IS WHAT YOU SIGNED UP FOR.
Good Lord.
We find out they're going to be going rafting down the river. Megan lightens my mood by talking about how nervous she is to possibly discover alligators or dead bodies in the Rio Grande. I'm pretty sure she still thinks they are in Mexico, too.
Chris says it is important to find a girl who can handle the outdoors because most of his life consists of the outdoors. Ashley or Kelsey with a farmer? IDK.
So the rafting gets intense. Whitney gets the shotgun seat next to Chris. I'm sure the girls want to murder her. Jade falls in the water, gets conveniently rescued by Chris. She says she has a condition in which when she gets too cold she can go into hypothermic shock. Chris takes some time to massage her numb feet and hands. The other girls get jealous and bitchy, as expected. Kelsey cackles angrily.
After that catastrophe, the girls go back to have their usual cocktail party. Bachelor Chris heads down to meet up with them, but as he's walking through the hotel lobby he runs into Jordan...Drunk Jordan who was eliminated three weeks ago!
The shock!
Jordan basically says that she felt bad that she didn't get to know him and that she feels bad AF about being WASTED her entire time on the show. She asks him for a second chance. Chris has a lot to think about.
Meanwhile the girls are in the lounge freaking out. But what else is new?
Then Chris arrives, WITH JORDAN ON HIS ARM.
Like these women aren't going to be pissed off..
Ashley I Kardashian is particularly mad...basically calls Jordan a drunk mess and 'not ladylike'
Okay, bitch, you know what's not ladylike...shoving your disgusting tongue down someone's throat every time you can't think of anything to talk about.
Also, does anyone else just cringe every time Ashley I speaks? Her voice makes me consider BANGING MY HEAD REPEATEDLY ON A WALL UNTIL I'VE PASSED OUT. I wish I was Ursula so that I could steal her voice away.
And that dress is so short I CAN SEE YOUR VIRGINAL VAG.
Ashley makes sure Chris knows that Jordan is not wife material .. and that she and Jordan are 'fundamentally so different' yeah because she's nuts when she drinks, but YOU'RE NUTS ALL THE TIME.
I'm really full of rage tonight.
Please God, let her go home soon.
Chris tells the girls that Jordan will be joining them for the date, and everyone just stares blankly. Jordan takes a seat on the couch with the others and takes a sip of water. When in reality, if she ever needed a drink, tonight would be the night.
Then the rest of the date, the girls all spend time talking about Jordan as opposed to talking about anything else with Chris. I mean, how annoying. Aren't they supposed to be talking about their ex boyfriends or their parents or something?
ALSO, has Samantha talked ONCE?
Who even is she?!
She's really pretty and probably normal, so naturally he will probably send her home.
Ashley I Kardashian and Sperm Nurse Whitney get into a heated little convo about Jordan...and once again, why why why why are they so focused on this other girl? This show makes me want to throw up. And not in a good way. Ashley thinks everyone should be mean to Jordan...Whitney thinks that's petty.
Which it is......
but is Whitney really surprised that Ashley is a bitch?
No one else is.
If I saw Ashley I Kardashian in public I would projectile vomit ON HER just by looking at her and then I would tell her to never speak again and rip her three inch long fake eye lashes off. Then I would be arrested and it would be awful.
Meanwhile back at the hotel...
The mood is light. Carly and Britt talk about the pressures of one-on-one dates. Carly asks Britt if she's going to shower. And apparently Britt doesn't shower. Which is alarming.
The one-on-one card comes to Britt and the card reads "The Sky's the Limit"
Immediately Britt starts rolling around Kaitie Nock style all over the place, so upset. In her little interview thing she begins crying saying she is 'terrified of heights'...and 'I just can't do it'
Bitch, pull it together.
And this is coming from me. The Queen of Over Reaction.
Back to the date.
Bachelor Chris pulls Jordan aside telling her "look this is awkward AF and you need to go home because these bitches will KILL you and ME."
they come back in as Ashley is shit talking. Jordan hugs the gals who just basically crucified her and says her goodbyes. Kelsey creepily whispers "I will always admire you" in Jordan's ear.
Boy, Kelsey is really shining in this episode.
Chris gives the rose to Whitney saying that he truly feels she is there for the right reasons. Ashley is obviously pissed and 'so hurt'
Who cares.
she continues to complain to anyone who will listen about Whitney. Mackenzie is like "I don't think Whitney is bad, I think you just don't like her."
for once, Mackenzie hits the nail on the head.
It's time for the one-on-one date with Hollywood Britt. Chris decides it's a great idea to go into her hotel room (along with two other girls) and wake her up at 4:30 am.....
EW BYE.
Chris goes "Britt looks just as beautiful in the morning as she does any other time" um yeah because she literally sleeps in full makeup..? But okay.
Meanwhile, Carly and Jade are like in their bed like 'stfu'
Carly is annoyed because she can hear them kissing and makes fun of Britt for doing her makeup before going to bed. Which is stupid as hell, but CARLY LITERALLY HAD HER MAKEUP ON TOO.
Don't make fun of someone for doing the same thing as you. That's so annoying.
Britt can't stop talking about her severe fear of heights and how nervous she is. I wonder if she's afraid of showering, too.
They arrive at their date which is a hot air balloon. Britt acts super pumped. Like jumping around like a lunatic pumped. She claims that Chris gives her strength.
(rolls eyes to the heavens)
She's very touchy feely with him. I feel that she's good at making people fall in love with her. I'm not saying anything against her character, but she's come on so strong since the first night out of that limo when she fucking cried and embraced him for five minutes. Like, let's not forget. She's good at making an impression. Does she really have feelings for him? IDK. Does he really have feelings for her? IDK.
Let's just watch this damn show, shall we?
The balloon takes off and epic music plays.
I must admit, that would be pretty cool.
"This is probably the best date of my life," Hollywood Britt says. It's probably the best date of her life because a camera is on her.
Only kidding.
Kind of.
Meanwhile back at the hotel the girls are talking MAD SMACK. Sweet little Jade is even in on it. Carly is the biggest shit talker of all, even over Kaitlyn and Ashley (which is saying something)
also PS does Megan contouring her face ALWAYS bother anyone else? I realize she is a makeup artist but she's wearing pajamas in this scene
Anyways. Carly is telling the girls that Britt doesn't shower, blah blah...they laugh at her..it's kind of mean actually. Again, I realize this sounds hypocritical because I literally write a blog making fun of all of them, but still. Jeesh. It just goes to show Cruise Ship Singer Carly is not a sweet girl, and is totally faking it around Chris. After all that breathing together, too...man, oh man.
They talk about Britt is always saying how she likes being single and is in no rush to get married or have kids...which I'm sure was said out of context, but of course, the girls make A HUGE deal out of it. GOD FORBID she doesn't want to marry the guy after dating him for 10 weeks ON A REALITY TV SHOW.
Chris takes Britt back to his room. They talk about having tons of kids, which directly contrasts the conversation the girls are having about Britt back in their room. Chris and Britt kiss a bunch, lots of suction noises, he tells her the date isn't over yet and she gives her 300th Taylor Swift surprised face of the night.
They make out more and probably have sex because they're rolling around on his bed and he closes the door on us.
How rude.
Kelsey has a little rant about Britt and how threatened she feels. She goes to Chris's room to talk to him about her story and their relationship. I mean, I know everyone is freaking out about Kelsey. But I think she's fucking hilarious.
"I don't want to go home before telling him that I'm a widow"
lol...okay...?
Like, God love her. She's so wild.
"His name was Sanderson Poe..." and it was a dark and dreary night filled with unbridled passion...
After telling Chris her story we get a little interview with her in which she goes "isn't my story amazing? It's just tragic...but it's amazing. I love my story."
OKAYYY.
So is it real? Did you kill Sanderson Poe? Was there even a Sanderson Poe?
She might have legit killed Sanderson Poe, you guys.
Maybe Mackenzie and her alien friends can summon the spirit of Sanderson Poe so we can get some answers.
I feel bad for her. Because she's actually crazy, too, like Ashley S. was. She's probably fucked up from her husband dying. I would be. It's too soon for her to be on this show, probably. She probably had a huge mental breakdown, wanted to become an actress for some reason, and came on this show.
Finally, it's time for the cocktail party.
Everyone is really stressed because apparently this week the 'stakes are higher' than any other week. Maybe it's the New Mexican air (still America).
One person, however, is very calm and confident: Kelsey.
She has probably overdosed on her medication.
Chris comes in acting all weird, saying how emotional his day was and bringing up Kelsey. He starts sighing heavily. Maybe Carly can fill us in on what these breathing patterns mean.
Where is the Love Guru right now?
So he's all shaky and walks away like a lunatic.
maybe he's on some drugs too. Maybe he is realizing that these girls are insane and doesn't want to do this show anymore. Maybe he's stressed about missing the harvest.
IDK
Kelsey tells the girls what was said between her and Chris. She acts all bizarre like the actress she is. This woman is a guidance counselor...let me remind you. She deals with the youths of America. Let THAT sink in. The girls all feel uncomfortable. Kelsey starts crying saying "every day is a gift and our time is precious.." Kaitlyn takes a sip of her drink.
"I'm going to be saying goodbye to people.." because I'm going to kill you - Kelsey
Everyone is confused.
Papa Harrison comes in and tells the girls Chris is stressed and that there will not be a cocktail party tonight. They're going straight to the rose ceremony.
Music gets serious.
Ashley I cries in the diary room, talking about how upset she is that she didn't have any time with him. (what so you can suck his face off again and not be able to hold a conversation?)
"I thought that Kelsey would be the one to go home tonight but because she has a story that is so much more traumatizing than me, she got to talk to him and I couldn't. But my story is just like nothing compared to her. Now it's just a big comparison game of sad stories." - Ashley
you guys.
I wish I could make this up.
Are we all realizing that this show is so fucking fake? Like you basically have to make a narrative for yourself and sell yourself to this man that you barely know in order to stay on television and go on cool dates. It's sick.
Can't wait to watch next week.
Kelsey runs off in the middle of the intense conversation with the girls talking about how nervous they are. We realize then that she has passed out in the hallway and is having a full out mental/emotional breakdown.
Is it real?
Who knows?
I doubt it.
although I don't doubt that she's mentally unstable.
She's just crying on the cold hard ground. We've all been there. Maybe not with millions of viewers, but still.
I think it's comical how all the girls are just in the other room like totally side-eye emoji-ing her.
Anyways.
They leave us hanging.
TO BE CONTINUED NEXT WEEK...
So since there was no rose ceremony (BS!) I'm going to rate the girls in order of their chances of actually becoming Chris's wife/why and hopefully you all agree with me.
1. Whitney the Sperm Nurse - something tells me that she'll go very far, if not become the winner. He has a connection to her, and although her voice is annoying, I think she's a genuine person in comparison to the others.
2. Plow My Fields Kaitlyn- although she's kind of a bitch, she's aware of it, she doesn't pretend to be something she's not, she's funny and cool and Chris really has liked her since day 1 you must admit
3. Cruise Ship Singer Carly- eugh. I don't know guys. They had a real connection to me. She's kind of an underdog, and although I'm not a huge fan, I think he is
4. Princess Jade- she's got the good girl, down home feeling, even though she's from LA. I wouldn't be horribly mad if he chose her as his wife. I just think she's playing up her 'nice girl' act a lot.
5. Becca- GO WITH ME ON THIS. I know she's hasn't gotten a lot of air time, but she is the least dramatic of the bunch. She also is the only girl who hasn't kissed him. Let's not forget this. And she's a cool virgin. I personally want her to win.
6. Hollywood Britt- I have many opinions on her. I really think he is mesmerized by her, but I think she is very aware of how to handle him, and perhaps is a bit manipulative/fake. I don't think he'll pick her. I think she'll find some way to put her bid in to be the next Bachelorette, though. Quote me.
7. Mackenzie, Mother of Kale - eh, he won't pick her, but out of the losers she's the preferable one...she's way too young, but hopefully the aliens can comfort her
8. Samantha- literally who is this? They've had no one-on-one time aired. But I am thinking back to Catherine and Sean...she flew under the radar for a majority of the season until their first one-on-one date. I hope the same happens for Samantha, but I doubt it. She'll probably go home next week.
9. Megan- I'm sorry...but he can't be serious?! I hope she's either drunk or playing dumb because that's just annoying. Their one-on-one was surprising, yet heartwarming, so who knows? Maybe she's an underdog...but I doubt it.
10. Kelsey- is clearly emotionally unstable and not ready to be on this show...plus is probably a wannabe actress the way she acts. I'd be very surprised if she didn't go home at the beginning of next week's episode. Thanks for the laughs, you crazy betch
Number of times I felt uncomfortable:
Mostly just throughout the entire episode.
Until next time,
Kaitie
xo
Me
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