This week we are transported to Bali. Bachelor Chris tells us this is, by far, the most exotic place he's ever been to, and I definitely believe that.
Chris is doing one of his dramatic look outs over the Bali scenery and there's just casually, like, four monkeys standing by him. I MEAN, HOW COOL.
If only they were sloths.
Like every other week, Chris is "really looking for clarity about who [he] wants as a wife."
The first date is with Plow my Fields Kaitlyn. They go into this temple or something where they aren't allowed to kiss...which is really hard for them. They carry baskets on their heads. Kaitlyn talks about how "natural" she feels with Chris. I feel very natural when me and my boyfriend are on camera, myself.
They go and grab a few brews. Chris introduces Kaitlyn as his 'girlfriend' which makes me feel SO WEIRD because he literally has two other girlfriends then. Next Chris and Kaitlyn go to feed the monkeys and this one massive monkey just hurls itself on Chris's back and it's quite alarming for everyone involved. But secretly, I enjoy watching him squirm (not the monkey..Chris) and get monkey urine on his shirt.
After the monkey excursion they have their "deep talk" moment/talk of the future. Pace yourselves, people..this is the first of MANY "deep talk" moments of the night, I am sure.
Finally, they arrive at their pre-fantasy suite dinner. Chris is shaking in his boots because he is TOTALLY ABOUT TO GET SOME.
I appreciate that the producers of this show no longer pretending the fantasy suite is anything but an excuse for them to "explore their intimacies" aka to do the deed.
Kaitlyn talks about having her guard up, nervous about loss, etc... I mean these are feelings human beings have. I would have a guard up, too, though...I mean your potential "husband" is dating two other women.
Who would have thought Kaitlyn would make it this far, tbh?
I mean. No offense to her, but I sure as hell didn't. He probably has been looking forward to their "intimate experience" since the day he met her and she told him he could "plow her fields."
He offers her the fantasy suite invite, and she, of course accepts. Chris says "I think we deserve this."
OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.
Try and hide your boner for, like, two more minutes, Chris.
Kaitlyn wants to say the 'three words' before they proceed with the plowing. So she says "I am definitely falling in love with you" which is close enough. Chris starts sucking her face, all the while thinking 'I wish this was Britt right now, I wish this was Britt right now...'
NO I'm kidding.
Sort of.
Poor Kaitlyn. The girl doesn't stand a chance.
She's all 'I can't wait to spend the rest of our lives together' which is aka the kiss of death on these shows.
*closes door shade for a night of passion*
++++++++++
We proceed next with Chris and Whitney the Sperm Nurse's date. As opposed to a repetition of the monkey date, Chris takes Whitney on a boat. Does Whitney's voice sound higher in Bali? Is that humanly possible?
So they begin their journey, sailing the seven seas together, but not before the captain of the boat crashes it into the dock. I'm not kidding about that, by the way.
They spend most of the day frolicking, kissing, while we get to enjoy the noises of the waves, some dramatic happy music (Bali version), and Whitney's Fern Gully voice.
Whit loves to talk. It becomes clear that she will be doing the one doing most of the talking in this relationship--probably because Chris isn't really listening to her and just agreeing with everything she says.
Is he going to pick his wife based upon whose voice he is able to block out the best?
Smart decision, my friend.
Whit is obsessed with perfection and because her sister didn't give her approval of the marriage quite yet, Whit spend a majority of their boat ride dwelling on this and assuring Chris that her sister's opinion doesn't matter...blah blah. She just wants everything to be perfect like the anal retentive woman we all know and love.
They go on their pre-fantasy suite dinner together. Chris expresses his worries about Whit leaving her job as a fertility nurse, a rewarding career, for a life on a farm in the middle of nowhere, Iowa.
And I think we are all wondering why she would leave, too.
Curious to see what she'll say.
She responds with the reason she has a career in the first place is to fill the void of what she truly wants: being a wife and mother.
I personally don't get that, but I do get it, if you know what I mean. You have to respect a woman who knows what she wants. Being a wife and mother is extremely rewarding, and if that's really what she wants..in Iowa...then very well.
INTO THE FANTASY SUITE THEY GO.
Is it the same one he and Kaitlyn were in?
Did they wash the sheets?
*closes window curtain for a night of passion*
+++++++++++++
ALRIGHT. It's Becca's turn aka my favorite aka the cool virgin. And Chris doesn't know. So this fantasy suite date SHOULD BE INTERESTING.
She better not have sex with him.
Unless he picks her, then fine.
Together, they go to explore Bali. I really like their dynamic. He seems most natural with her, and they look really freaking cute together.
"It's amazing. It's beautiful. It's magical."
I'M OUT OF WINE FOR THIS DRINKING GAME.
They sit down with the medium of the village they are in and pretend to not be freaked out. They ask him a lot of questions, which he answers sassily. Becca asks if the medium has any advice and he says "they should make love" and Becca is all like "oh shit"
WELL if the medium says it WE MUST DO IT.
We must make love for the spirits.
Then they talk about the usual shit and make out in a river that I'm pretty sure contains a dangerous fish of sorts.
I make a point not to make out with anyone in mysterious bodies of water because of my deep rooted fear of aquatic life.
I mean, there is a whole world in the water that WE DON'T EVEN KNOW ABOUT, PEOPLE.
Sorry, back to The Bachelor.
Becca spends the entire pre-fantasy suite dinner freaking out about telling Chris that she is a virgin. Sister better do it soon because he is horned up AF.
Chris asks Becca seriously if she can see her life and future in Iowa. Becca takes a deep breath, tries to look past his sweat, and says she honestly would need to try it out and live it before she could give him a for sure answer.
OKAY. THANK YOU. That is 100% logical.
He asks her how sure she feels and Becca says she is still trying to sort through her feelings and getting used to the feeling of being in love with someone. Coming from someone who has never been in love, I can't even imagine my first time loving someone to be on a reality show in a competition with other women. Then this guy is asking you if you'll move to Iowa and like what the FUCK are you supposed to say?!
She tells him a neutral, "I feel very close to you, I think I am falling in love with you" which is nice and truthful.
He hands her the fantasy suite invite. Becca is like "eh, oh god."
Becca faces the unavoidable need to finally confess. I personally think she could've waited even longer until he was on top of her to say it.
LOL
Jk Chris, wouldn't play you like that.
Although, maybe he deserves it.
Becca tells him that she would love to have some alone time with him to talk without cameras, etc.
He takes her up to the fantasy suite that is absolutely gorgeous, as the other two were.
I seriously love Becca and how she approaches her virginity as being a 'big deal to her' and something she takes very seriously. It's refreshing to see someone, especially on a reality show, be so candid about where they stand morally.
YOU GO GIRL.
So she tells him, "I'm a virgin."
Chris's face visibly drops and it would be kind of funny if it wasn't so sad. He takes a minute, sighs, smiles nervously, bumbles through his words. She's clearly nervous, too.
I don't think he's as disappointed to not be getting laid as he is to just genuinely not know what to say. He's not the most well spoken bachelor in history. He was probably just trying to figure out what to say.
Eventually, he says he respects her blah blah and good for her blah blah.
*closes window curtain (but not all the way) for a night of passionate talking*
++++++++++
Bachelor Chris is looking out at the water, in deep thought...Becca is walking down the shore, in deep thought...
He says he is falling in love with these last three girls and doesn't know what to do. He has no idea where Becca stands. Kaitlyn and Whit both said they were all in and loved him and would move to Arlington.
But Chris claims Becca still isn't 100% sure...BUT WHO WOULD BE? Whit and Kaitlyn are NUTS.
We can't fault Becca for being the only normal person on the show this season.
Chris seems to really, really like Becca and maybe borderline will choose her to win, but she wants to wait to move to Iowa and Chris wants a 'for sure' thing. OH SUCH COMPLICATION.
Papa Harrison and Bachelor Chris have a sit down. Chris tells Harrison that he is in love with all three of the women, and that he can see himself marrying all of them.
UMMM.
Really?
How weird.
Harrison is like "dude, are you serious?"
Chris is all like "yeah, I have no idea what I want."
And like how bad would you feel if he chose you and then watched this back and saw how he loved every girl left and you were just won by a hair?
PRETTY BAD I'D SAY.
So we have to listen to this bull shit to fill the last forty minutes of this show.
They go woman by woman and Chris gives his summation.
All signs are sort of pointing towards him sending Becca home tonight because of how unsure she is.
However, I still really think Kaitlyn is going home because they've teased us too much with this Becca stuff throughout the whole show.
LET'S SEE IF I'M RIGHT.
So it's Rose Ceremony time.
Papa Harrison and Chris are wearing some religious, tae kwon do outfit because someone decided it was a good idea to have a rose ceremony in a place where no one is allowed to touch each other.
I'm not dissing religion, obviously!
But would you want the Bachelor to be filmed in your church or temple?
No thanks.
So the ceremony begins. Heavy breathing ensues.
Chris pulls Becca aside, and they walk away HOLDING HANDS...WHICH AREN'T THEY NOT SUPPOSED TO DO?!?
HE'S ABOUT TO GET SMITED. SMITED.
He needs validation from her that she'll give up her entire life for him.
She says the same thing she's been saying all week, that she isn't sure, she's willing to do whatever it takes, that she is falling for him, but looks forward to their journey AFTER the show.
Which is what this is all about, my friends.
So everyone thinks Chris is sending Becca home right now. Kaitlyn, meanwhile, is so happy and excited to see what comes next...which means she is for sure going home.
As this happens, Chris and Becca walk back, HAND IN HAND STILL meaning the 'no touching' rule is out the window. Kaitlyn is like "oh shit."
Whitney is pissed too, takes this as an opportunity to talk smack, "she's young, inexperienced, and I don't think she's ready..if she's right for him, how am I right for him?"
WHOAAAA...THAT'S PRETTY BITCHY, WHIT.
Looks like this Sperm Fairy has some pent up resentment in her.
I cannot BELIEVE how much they are dragging this last hour on!
Alright, so more deep breathing...more breathing...and then time for roses. ok. great.
The first rose goes to Whitney, who acts all sweet and innocent even though she was just being so freaking mean to Becca.
The second rose goes to....
dramatic pause
dramatic music
dramatic breathing
drama
drama
drama
BECCA.
Thus, sending Kaitlyn home. As I predicted. Just saying.
The girls go to hug her, but hugging isn't allowed, but apparently Becca forgot that.
Kaitlyn looks DEVASTATED. Like not able to even look at Chris, tears forming in her eyes. Dang, who would've thought?
So Chris takes her hand and walks her out.
Maybe they are allowed to hold hands...?
IDK. This is confusing.
I'll let this go, I suppose.
So they reach the outside of the temple. He tries his best to comfort her, breaths heavily some more.
"I'm so sorry" he whispers before sighing some more. Kaitlyn is clearly very upset, not giving into his embraces. She whispers "what happened?" to him.
His way of comforting her is to tell her he's following his heart and he isn't sure about any of his decisions.
lol
okay.
Like that's what everyone wants to hear when they're being dumped: "not sure if this is the right decision or not, but you know, I've got to make a decision"
Chris talks about being so scared, like he's the only one putting himself out there during this thing.
Kaitlyn gives him his chance to fumble through his words, as per usual. A rooster cries in the distance, totally ruining the moment.
She has no response to his pathetic apology.
She gets into the limo of rejection and self loathing and cries, but remains quite quiet compared to most of the women. She's crying, yes, but doesn't go on to tear herself down as most do. She says she is 'confused' and 'humiliated.'
Chris is crying back at the temple, with nothing but the howl of the roosters to give him comfort.
Couldn't they edit the roosters out?
Damn.
Alright.
See you next week for my personal favorite shit show, The Women Tell All.
Until then,
Kaitie
xo
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