Random Christmas Things I Geek About

Hello. Good evening.

I want to start off by warning you that the first paragraph or so is going to be filled with a rant, then I'm going to talk about happy things like Christmas, okay? If you want to skip over the rant, just don't read the red...the fun stuff will be in green. Okay?

This week has been 50 Shades of Bull Shit.
And it is Monday.
Who is with me?
I don't want to make such a grand claim that I'm the voice of my generation, but I must defend my people. We have had ENOUGH. Speaking for those I love, family, friends, classmates, neighbors, dogs, elephants...I want to say, WE HAVE HAD ENOUGH CAN I GET AN AMEN?!
This week is complete and utter bull shit and I will tell you why. Personally, as a college student quickly approaching her final's week (as if that wasn't stressful enough) I have to deal with this week which doesn't even have a defintion, it's so bad. Walking onto campus today, I could feel the gloom of impending doom. No one I know is happy. I saw various people break down in tears today...TEARS. In class. In the hall way. In the bathroom. I myself cried twice from pure exhaustion and frustration.
Group projects (excuse my french..) can suck my big, non-existent dick. You know what I get for working my ass off all semester for mediocre 10/10 grades? I get a 200 point GROUP project that includes popsicle sticks. I am 21 years old. Everything I've worked for, every book I've read, every ridiculously pointless article I've read and analyzed...that stuff, eh, junk change. What really matters? Whether or not I can manage doing a group project in which my fate is COMPLETELY IN THEIR HANDS.
I understand the point of group projects, I get it. We need to learn to work as a team. Trust me, it's taught me so much...really, it has.
It has taught me THAT I HATE PEOPLE AND MY LIFE. THANKS.
Stubborn professors can also suck my beep. They, out of anyone, should understand frustrations students have. They're the ones who do this to us. Do they have a clue? Maybe. Maybe they did 25 years ago, but now they're old, mean, and send short, rude e-mails that make me feel like I am the size of a pin needle. Do you ever notice how they end their e-mails with: "come see me in office hours if you want to talk more". WHAT, so I can get rejected and belittled in person as opposed to e-mail?
I'll pass.
Final assessments are a sick joke.
"I'm going to give you multiple choice tests all semester, but at the end I want a 10 page essay describing to me what you've learned...it'll be worth half your points for your grade."
Bitch, bye.
Final papers. I'm honestly pissing myself off, I don't even want to talk about this. But you all get it.
Exams...having exams before finals week is basically like shooting someone in the leg, letting them lose half their blood, then shooting them in the face. Or it's like being let out of a prison cell only after months of oppression to be pushed to your death in front of a bus by Cady Heron.
The worst are when they're like "okay, here's your last exam in the class over chapters 17-20...oh but wait, then you have a cumulative final!" WERE YOU HUGGED AS A CHILD?
When people say, "oh the semester is really winding down.." really? I feel like I'm about to jump off a cliff and you're catching up on your Netflix Queue? What classes are YOU taking?

I'm done with my rant.
I just wanted to do that because I am in major warrior mood right now and I also drank a lot of soda.
Just know this fellow collegians, you're not alone. I believe in you, I really do. You've made it this far for a reason...we just have to get through this last week.
If I see you crying on a bench alone in the Library, I will understand. Just know, I'm rooting for ya.

NOW
On to fun things.
Bitches love Christmas. Christmas is just so jolly and fun! Actually, the whole Holiday season is super fun. Hanukkah is awesome. Kwanza. It's just all so exciting, and a perfect way to end the year. Even though you're dirt poor, cold, and in some cases have to deal with crazy family...it's Christmas, and you love it because that's what the world is telling you.
I don't want to talk about all the average fun things about Christmas traditions like Egg Nog and Singing Carols. I'm going to talk about the weird, random stuff that makes me happy about this season. Ready?
Okay!

That one creepy ornament.
Every year while decorating the tree, there's always that ornament. You know the one I'm talking about. The one that every year you look at and say, "why do we keep this? It's so ugly and disgusting." Then your mom tells you that some random customer from 25 yeas ago got it for her and she's had it ever since.
I love this ornament!
It's like the awkward outcast that no one understands, but it's still part of the grand scheme of things.
Without this ornament, the tree would simply NOT BE.

Baby fetus with combat gear ornament. (bow not included)

 

 

These Things

 



 

I honestly don't know what could be more festive than these. I particularly love the trees with the snow on them and how they are so fun to brush your hair with. Plus, they light up, sometimes they make noise, sometimes they change color, sometimes they are magnetic and the little figures ice skate on them. Sometimes you get a random, disproportionately large character that is super awkward but you put him in the middle anyways. You'd spend an hour setting it up, moving it around every which way, then you're little sibling would fuck it all up and you'd cry.

 

Advent Calendars

 

There is something all too satisfying about opening a little door and not knowing what is behind it. Sometimes, there are even treats. I feel for non-Christians because they don't even know what this is. I tell you, even if you don't believe in God, you should get one because they are super fun.

 

                                                            

 

Leaving Carrots for the reindeer

 

A lot of people leave cookies for Santa, but how many leave carrots for the reindeer. How amazing is that? It's interesting that you'd only put out about 4 carrots and all 9 reindeer were to be fed. Who gets to decide who gets the carrots? Maybe they take turns? Santa is a fat ass and just eats all the cookies, but those reindeer, gosh, they're the ones flying about in the air! They need protein, man. This year I'll leave them powder.

 

                                                

 

Hallmark Romantic Holiday Movies

 

I have gone 21 years of life and still ask the question: how can you be a human being an not like Hallmark Rom-Coms?

They're light hearted, fun, full of predictable wonder, and most importantly always contain two very attractive individuals who are able to find one another against all odds.

I'm not asking to watch a movie that challenges my intellectual capablities. I've seen Fight Club. I've seen Pulp Fiction. But I will never feel as good and satisfied figuring out what Inception means in comparison to the feeling my heart gets at the end of a Hallmark movie when she says, "I do."

 

                                                 

 

Festive dog scarves

 

Dressing up your dog in festive gear on Halloween and Christmas is almost essential if you want to be a real person. Putting reindeer ears on my dog automatically makes her cuter. She also loves her festive holiday scarf. My love for her knows no bounds when she puts her scarf on. That's how I know it's really Christmas.

 

 

 

Lame ass Kay Jeweler Commercials

 

Some of my favorite things in life to make fun of are Kay Jeweler commercials, and I do so on a daily basis. But nothing brings me more joy than when the holiday season comes around and the VERY and particularly stupid/hilarious Kay commercials arive.

 

Here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ltA50HKyM14

This one is my favorite, you're so welcome: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YSsFX0RaPMc

 

Those Classic and Awesome Hershey's and Campbell Soup commercials

 

Who didn't have a VCR recorded tape of the Grinch Who Stole Christmas on a Sunday night special on abc from when they were 4? These were the commercials always on.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iEvqAXKGa54

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m9L-_EMuGRU

 

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT.

 

Velvet outfit sets.

 

Ladies, can I get a what-what?!?!

 

                                                            

 

Clark Griswold

 

We can all see a little bit of Clark in our fathers. Especially when Mom decides to host Christmas this year.

 

"Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse."

 

                                                        

 

"Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn... the clean, cool chill of the holiday air... an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer... "

 

                                                     

 

"Hey Griswold, where do you think you're gonna put a tree that big?"

"Bend over and I'll show you."

"You've got a lot of nerve talking like that, Griswold."

"I wasn't talking to you."

 

                                                 

Todd and Margo <3

 

 

Ralphie and Randy

 

Why can't I, too, have pink bunny pajamas?

I learned a lot from that  movie, like you can't put your arms down till you get to school, that I better be sure to drink my Ovaltine (son of a bitch), sticking your tongue to a frozen flag pole is no bueno, it's not just a lamp, it's a major award, and you most likely will shoot your eye out with a Red Rider BB Gun.

Also, little kids swearing will always be hilarious.

 

NADDAFINGA!!

 

                                               

 

Having batteries.

There is nothing more disheartening (besides finals week) than opening a brand new toy and not having any freaking batteries to go with them.

Santa, you're a cruel man for this reason.

When they are present, you cherish them. I LOVE YOU, BATTERIES.

 

Men Christmas Eve shopping.

Go to the mall on the day of Christmas Eve. Now, go to the jewelry story (Kay Jeweler's..).

Good luck not seeing any females in that place at all.

It never ceases to amaze me that men wait till the absolute last minute for everything.

Women, we've got it right...Black Friday shopping, Small Business Saturday, Cyber Monday...Christmas shopping is a sport.

For men, it's a forgotten nightmare that can somehow only be realized 12 hours before the actual event.

 

Everyone says they're going to watch A Christmas Carol, when really, they watch Elf.

 

Let's just be honest.

 

Wreaths.

 

Wreaths get zero respect. They deserve it. Christmas Trees are fun, but they're bulky and can sometimes be tacky and ridiculous. Wreaths are always classy bitches. I see you, wreath.

 

                                                      

 

The calm after.

 

There is normally a feeling of sadness the night you get home from all the Christmas festivities, however, it is also a time of peace and calm. The presents may still be lying all about the living room, wrapping paper everywhere, Dad's still hungover, you've got your ugly pajamas on and have already eaten half your stocking candy, but it's calm, it's wonderful...and it's completely underrated.

 

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Now, I hope you all enjoyed the blog. It was a long one, I know. If you have other random little loves and quirks of Christmas, let me know! I'll write about it some other time. I know I left out tons.

 

I hope that my blog, however ridiculous and crazy it is, cheers you up during this chaotic time in your life/week/month/year/whatever. And know that I give a shit about you, otherwise I wouldn't be writing this to try and please/entertain you.

 

Have a good one.

 

Until next time,

 

Kaitie

xo

 

 

**ALSO, forgive any spelling mistakes. I didn't edit this before I posted. And if you can't forgive me then go screw yourself and get a life.

 

Happy Holidays.



The Process

Good evening.

I'm having some troubles with change.

By that, I mean now the font is Helvetica. Not as stereotypical as Times News, but kind of like if Times New and Arial got together and had a little, serious baby.

Anyways.

Tonight I want to talk about the process of getting ready for the average college-aged female. I'm talking the All-American college female, not the "I go to Berkeley and don't wear make up or shave my arm pits" kind of girl.

Now, this is not a new idea that women are forever taking longer to get ready than men. It is just a known thing. I am going to explain why this happens.

First off, one must realize that getting ready isn't just slapping on a short skirt and heels, lathering your face in makeup, and calling it a night.

Oh no, no, no. Stop.

It is so much more than that.

It is, for the female, an entire part of the 'going out' experience that is detrimentally important for having a "prime night" as the British say.

I am going to take you through it step by step.

Step 1: "I need a drink"

It is a little after 1 o'clock in the afternoon on a Saturday. You've awoken, eaten some Cheerios, maybe worked out if you're a psycho, and had a nice hangover juice cleanse for the morning.
Now it is time to start again.
This, believe it or not, is a very important stage. It says: "I'm ready to go, let Saturday commence"
Your friend will most likely ask to you, "Are you still drunk?"
In which case you will most likely reply, "I'm not sure, but I ate a banana, so I think I'm good to go."

Step 2: "Let's eat something"

This happens around 4 pm. You've had a few cocktails, but nothing serious. It's time for some food that will count as both lunch and supper. So we must think wisely. (NOTE: Girls on diets don't count in this section...sorry, but good for you! keep up the good work!)
Chipotle is almost always the answer. Panera bread bowls are a close second. McDonalds is for broke bitches like me, and if you're feeling really crazy or have had more than a few cocktails before 4 pm--pasta.

After devouring your face into a pile of food that you know you could never work off in one work out on an elliptical, you are ready for the next step...

Step 3: Nap time

Nap time only counts and makes any sense if you fall asleep when it is still light out and wake up when it is dark.
It feels like a whole new day!

You may wake up feeling like this, but there is no guarantee.

Step 4: Shower

Necessary.
If it is winter or you plan on not getting laid that night, there is no need to shave, so that's good.

Step 5: "I need another drink"

You don't want to make yourself anything too crazy because you still have to do your makeup, beware of that.

Step 6: Turn up the music

You and your friends/roommates take this time to decide which one of you gets to play the nighttime DJ for the evening. It is usually the girl with the best playlist.
Attention--do not EVER let the girl who just went through a break up or fight with her boyfriend to be the DJ for the evening--she will most likely choose Celine Dion, Taylor Swift, and sad Beyonce songs for the rest of the night.

My personal favorite pump up song is "He Loves Me, He Loves U Not" by Dream.

No thank you.

Step 7 interlude: gossip

Step 7: Outfit choice

It is important to give yourself plenty of time to pick out an outfit. You will most likely always change 2-5 times before actually going out, so having an idea of what you want may or may not matter depending on who you are.
For me personally, I go into the night saying, "jeans and cute shirt" or "skirt and tights" or "tank top and skinny jeans". It's important to know these things.
Otherwise, it's like walking into Chipotle and there is no line and you can't decide whether or not you're in the mood for a burrito or a burrito bowl, but you have to make a decision because those Chipotle workers don't have time for YOUR BULLSHIT.
Just like that, there is no time for bull shit.
Pick a rough outfit and make sure if you decide to wear heels that you can commit to those heels for the remainder of the night.
As I always say, don't commit to shoes that you can't handle, bitch.

These are ALMOST never okay..

Step 8 Interlude: Pee.

Step 8: "Can someone mix me a drink?"

Congratulate yourself for narrowing down your outfit choice by having another cocktail.

Step 9: "Can I use your curler?"

The hair portion of the evening is probably the most annoying part of the night.
Because A- your straightener doesn't work, B- you can never curl the back of your own hair, and C- ain't nobody got time for that shit
Unless you have given yourself a proper amount of time to do your hair, this portion of the evening can be very tricky and suspenseful.
There's always that one girl in the group who gets done before everyone else and when you ask why she'll say, "I'm just letting my hair go natural," then she'll flip her ridiculously impressive hair in your face and you'll secretly hate her.
Pay no mind to her.
Your job now is to make sure that you are fully capable of finishing the task at hand.

Step 10 interlude: Pee.

Step 10: More people arrive

At this point, your guests begin to arrive, including men who just don't undersand anything about 'the process' so it becomes just...insane.
At this point, you feel rushed and annoyed.
But it's all so thrilling that you don't even care!
Also, you have to refill your drink at this point

Step 11 interlude: one of the girls in your group has a semi-mental breakdown, saying they cannot go, that they aren't ready to out this soon after the break up, that they feel fat, or are on their period...the women must ban together and convince this girl to stop being a whiny loser.

Step 11: Outfit change

After seeing that you're the only girl in your group wearing a skirt, you decide to change.

Step 12: Makeup Time

Just remember, no one likes a raccoon.
Hopefully you're not buzzed at this point, otherwise, you're screwed.

The time has come.

Step 13: Shot

Enough said.

Step 14 interlude: Pee.

Step 14: Obligatory theme song

Every group has a theme song.
Ours is usually a One Direction one.
Or play Gangnam Style--just to get everyone's blood flowing.

We will have a good time tonight, don't ruin this for me.

Step 15: Unneccessary Facebook/Twitter time

Just because you can, and you want to see what everyone else is up to.

Step 16: Outfit and/or shoe change

It's a rule that at least one person has to change something twenty minutes before you're about to leave.

Step 17: Put the clutch together

ID, PHONE, KEYS, ID, PHONE, KEYS!!!  always. And sometimes the following:
Lipgloss, inhaler, gum, flask, tissues, tampon, spermicidal lube.. (joking. kind of..)

Step 18 interlude: Pee.

Step 18: Picture time!

At this point, you're running late. But you just took about 6 hours to get ready and want to document it somehow.
Make sure you get your shoes in the picture, especially if you plan on changing into more comfortable ones before you leave the house.

Guilty, Jean Luc, guilty..

Step 19: SHOT

See step 13

Step 20: "I can't find my ID."

There's always that one ass hole..

Step 21: Final pee time.

Step 22: Perfume/body spray

If you haven't already, please do, thanks.

Step 23: Eat a cupcake.

This might be a personal thing, but 23 is always my favorite step.

Step 24: SHOT

Step 25: Cry about being single



Step 26: Drunk text ex

Step 27: Lights off.

Step 28: Off we go!

____________________

Now see, isn't that just the most interesting thing you've ever read?

There you have it, The Process, the 28 simple steps of how the average female (with apparently a lot of free time on a Saturday..) operates before she is therefore prepared to go out on the town.

Obviously, there are varations.

However, the peeing ratio is almost always accurate to this process.

Until next time,

Kaitie
xo

Halloween : Part Deux

Hey everyone! Como estas?

I've decided to go for a whole new look for the blog--and when I say "whole new look" I mean that I've changed the font.

OK so this time last year I made a post about Halloween costumes and all that jazz. This year I'm just sort of going to wing it and see how it goes so stick with me if you can or get off the crazy train before you get too confused and/or annoyed.

The first thing I would like to say is SINCE when is Halloween a three week long holiday?

Seriously.

I feel like it will never end...and yet, it is still not Oct. 31st.

They were so stupid, I never understood how they were able to suck so many souls...

I used to love Halloween as a child, frolicking in costumes, eating way too much candy, and watching scary movies.
Now it's just all this pressure on what you're going to dress up as without looking too generic, or like too big of a slut, or offending someone by dressing up as an evil dictator. (you know who you are..shame, shame) and what party you're going to go to and how you must match the theme of someone else. LIKE this isn't about YOU, it's about me! I want to just sit back and watch a scary movie while eating anything I can see that is fall-ish, and not worrying about being uncomfortable in a skin tight cat suit that makes me look like a sausage and freeze my ass off while I watch frat boys shotgun natty lights on the front lawn.

I digress.

But seriously. It is dragging this year.


                                               

Okay, Marnie..calm the fuck down.

I feel like people have been celebrating it for a month now, and at this point I am seriously so excited for the lag time between Halloween and Thanksgiving in which I can mentally prepare myself for all the little Christmas elves bopping about.

If we're being honest, I love Christmas. LOVE IT. I buy the christmas scents from bath and body works earlier and earlier every year. I also start humming xmas tunes in August.

R.I.P. Kenny

NOW THERE is a holiday that is allowed to drag.
Halloween, no.
Stop.
I cannot wait for Oct. 31st to be done and over with.


The next thing I want to discuss while we are on the topic of Halloween is the concept of the scary movie.

Today I got to talking with my friend about who she would be if she was a character in a horror film. I'm talking like the classics/somewhat originals: Halloween, Friday the 13th, Jeepers Creepers, I Know What You Did Last Summer, Nightmare on Elm Street, etc.

I came to realize that a woman has two choices.
A- you can be the dumb slut that dies in the first ten minutes...or at least far enough in so we can see your breasts.
or...
B- the "heroine" who lives until the end but cries a lot and has some sort of connection with the killer/psycho. This character also can be the demise of the main guy (Mr. Hero ((not the sandwich)) ) who has most likely sacraficed himself for the beautiful laday.

So what to choose?

"Love you best friend, but you're definitely going to die because I'm the star of this movie.."

Can we also talk about why people found J-Love so hot? Her bangs in this were wretched.

 

Dumb slut gets it quicker ("it" being death..), feels less blame, and at least gets to enjoy her last few minutes on Earth, I suppose.

"Heroine" gets to be the last one standing with all kinds of mental issues following her around for the rest of her life because she's literally lost everyone close to her and has to deal with the fact that she hacheted a murderous villian that may or may not be actually dead depending on box office sales/whether or not there is a sequel.

Solid choices.

I say "yikes".

I said "NO PICKLE!!!"

Realistically, if I were put into this type of situation where there is a murderous lunatic chasing me around and a- the cops can't do anything, b- my boyfriend thinks he can protect me, c- I just happen to always love to be in the house alone/go chase things in the night...I'd probably just do everyone a favor and take a plane to Bermuda where I would spend the rest of my days drinking out of a coconut and getting a nice tan.

But honestly, if I had to choose which female character I would be in a horror movie, I'd probably go with the honorable sidekick that disappears early on in the movie.
I'd be the girl who says, "I'm going to call for help" after some weird shit happens and disappears, only later would my head be found, or something ridiculous like that.

But because I was so honorable in going off to find help, they wouldn't actually show my death scene, which is...you know, kind of nice, I guess. In comparison to the slutty girl at the beginning who sometimes even gets it before the opening credits (THAT SUCKS!..cough, cough skinny dipper from Jaws)

Moral of the story: if you're a slut, you have it coming and if you're brave, you're going to be the reason all your friends/family die.

People forget about her because she's such a slut.

Or if you want to get into the realm of "devil-in-my-soul"/"I-like-to-crawl-up-steps-backwards-and-barf-on-myself"/"I-levitate-and-my-head-spins-all-the-way-around" kind of movies, you as a female will most definitely get possessed by a demon and/or give birth to the anti-christ.

Talk about effective birth control methods.

I'm just going to have to take your baby when I become possessed by a demon in which our great-great grandfather agreed to give away the first male bloodline to. It'll be fine. Best god-mother ever!

Hope everyone has a safe and happy Halloween.

Until next time,

Kaitie
xo