Hey everyone!
Hope you all are having fabulous weeks and had good weekends, AND HEY...it's almost Friday again. Well, there ya go.
Before I begin, I just want to put out a disclaimer that I do not believe that all dentists are like the one's I'm about to describe. I know lots of great people who are dentists (kind of) and wouldn't want to insult them. HOWEVER, for the sake of drama and art and all that is right, I'm about to totally rip the dental world apart.
Also, want to give a big shout out to Becky S.! I don't know who you are or where you are from (maybe a Russian fan?!!?) ...but thanks for the idea! And also, thanks for reading. I had no idea people outside of my small circle of friends that I pay to read this actually look at my blog.
We'll do this in a chronological order.
Dentists do all kinds of amazing things for the beauty of our mouths and oral hygiene. This I understand...but while saying this, I just want to discuss how absolutely annoying it is to have to go to the dentist's twice a year.
Sometimes I will talk to people and they'll be all like, "oh you only go to the dentist once a year?!" with this big, deep shame in their eyes.
Bitch, please.
Do you know why I only go to the dentist once a year--at most?
BECAUSE I FREAKING HATE IT.
Right?
First of all, you go there and you sit in this little waiting room that thousands of others have sat before you, probably sick, with their mouth germs floating about, sneezing, coughing, and for sure farting. You wait for HOURS it seems.
I kid you not, my childhood dentist made us wait for two and a half hours for a cleaning once. I wanted to kick a tree about it, it was so awful. And you can imagine as a child how completely long two and a half hours actually is. It's basically 14 days in child world.
Also, I could've waited in line twice to ride a really great rollercoaster in that time span. But no, I'm sitting here for 40 days and nights waiting for someone to pick my teeth with a metal tool and wipe a bunch of grainy "mint paste" in my mouth, then tell me I don't floss enough and am a terrible Catholic.
Oh, wait, wrong place.
That's when I go to confession.
Which, although is less often than I go to the dentist...is way more fun than the dentist.
So after you've waited a decade to get into the actual appointment and read every two year old issue of 'Women's Health', you finally are allowed to go into the room.
Here, they make you wait another fifteen minutes, at least.
Then the hygienist will come in and ask you about your life...which to them is how often you floss, if you use fluoride treatment, and if you think you have any cavities. DON'T WORRY, they will ask you alllll kinds of personal questions later when they've got six different torture devices shoved into your mouth and there is no way you can answer unless you're Prof. Quirrell and have another mouth that is able to speak (Voldy) coming out of the back of your head.
There's no way HE is brushing his teeth.
After the little pow-wow, she'll start working. You lay back, uncomfortably, in a chair that you feel like a giant in, and she'll put on bifocals that make her eyes look like crazy-ball bouncy balls and a little doctors mask so she isn't breathing her perfectly clean breath (because she's a dentist) into your mouth.
All of the sudden, there's all these metal tools coming at you, working your mouth like a construction zone. "Hmm, ahhh" the hygienist will say, making you think your mouth looks like a case study for ‘Plaque Weekly’.
As your mouth is being pulled every which way, your lips cracking, and drool overflowing in your tongue, now is when she will ask you where you're going to school, or where you're working.
It will come out something like this: "OahJO Schh-A--Aah-T" then a big spit bubble will erupt and you'll begin to choke on your own saliva.
Don't panic.
They have a huge ass suction tool that will vacuum all of your disgustingness out of you and also give you dry mouth syndrome.
I digress.
Back to work, she'll go. Picking, plying, making you bleed, making you cry, making you salivate..and not in the good "I'm-in-line-at-Chipotle" kind of way either.
After sitting there for what seems like hours (in adult world!) she'll sit back and say "OK, now we can get to cleaning"
WHAT?!
Isn't that what you've been doing?! I'm bleeding here, and my eyes are hurting from that stupid little light you have pointing in my face.
They'll take their little brush of pain and suffering, and put a grainy substance they call "toothpaste" on it before pushing on each individual tooth with it.
This part isn't even bad in comparison to the rest, it's almost like a little break.
Just don't accidentally swallow any of the toothpaste/saliva/whatever substance because then you'll choke...and the taste it awful.
You think she is done, but then she's all, "I'm going to floss now!"
They LOOOOOVE flossing.
So then they'll floss in a way that you didn't know was humanly possible--this is the one thing they do with extreme speed which makes you wonder if they're just sick of you at this point or if they just love flossing so much that they can't control themselves.
She'll sit the chair back up and you'll think "YES! I'M HOME FREE" But calm down, Mr. Hasty.
They're not done.
"I see you haven't been here in a year [FOREVER in dentist world], which means we have to get new X-Rays"
OK awesome.
So they'll stick the little camera in your mouth and put the anti-magnetic/whatever thing on your chest, but no other part of your body. Then they physically have to leave the room because it's unsafe for them to be in there while they X-Ray your teeth.
But it's safe for us, of course, so no big deal.
Once they take an X-Ray of your mouth, they'll put it up for you to see and it looks like something out of 'Alien'.
Next they'll point out ALLLLL kinds of flaws that you didn't even know you HAD.
I wish they'd just look at me, seriously, one day and be like : "Your teeth are fucked up"
WELL THANK YOU.
My parents spent thousands of dollars and I wasted probably the equivalent to a year of my time on getting braces, my braces checked every month, sealants, filling, etc. so that you can sit here and tell me alllll the things that are STILL wrong with my mouth.
Can I ever just be okay?
I'm never good enough for you am I?!
If you want to feel inadequate about yourself, just go to the dentist, let me tell you.
"You have two cavities and STILL have to get your wisdom teeth out..."
The look that you are then given is one of so much judgment I feel like I'm in the courtroom from 'A Few Good Men'.
"YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH....that your teeth need dental work."
After feeling like you're close to tears from the hygienist ripping you apart like one of your freshman year college professors ripped up your first term paper, THEN is the time the ACTUAL dentist comes in from out of the woodwork.
Or maybe from the backroom where they were reading all the good, new magazines of Cosmo or People while eating SUGAR FREE bon bons.
But not to worry, they'll still make you wait a half hour in the chair between cleaning and check-up, leaving you to sit and stare and all the "This is what will happen if you don't brush..." actual photographs that look like something out of a Saw movie.
They'll sit down and instantly it's like the hygienist becomes a little handmaiden. So you went to school a few years longer, big deal?! A cavity is a cavity and I already got ripped a new one so I don't want to hear it again.
Just let me go, please.
The dentist will then tell you all the things you've already heard over again and if you're lucky and it's just a cleaning, you won't have to endure another hour of actual torture with a big needle of Novocain (which yes, makes you drool even more and bite your lip, making it bleed, without ever knowing anything at all is wrong) or laughing gas that makes you high as a kite (legally...and not even Miley Cyrus "salvia" kind of legal).
They will always tell you, no matter how much you floss, brush your teeth, rinse your mouth, cut back on sweets...always always always will tell you: "You need to floss more."
THEY'RE OBSESSED! I DON'T GET IT.
I do floss every night, and I still get cavities. Sorry that I can't cut coffee, or cocktails, or candy out of my diet. I AM A HUMAN BEING. I NEED SUGAR.
Not want.
Need.
Finally, your time has come to a close. You get up awkwardly from the small chair, your ass is numb, lips chapped, mouth hurting like hell, not to mention your pride and any sense of fulfillment drained out of you because no matter what you do, you'll never be good enough.
Then to negate this, they'll hand you a "goodie bag" with...you guessed it, floss in it, among other things like baby toothpastes and a cheap-ass toothbrush.
"Have a nice day! Good luck at school! See you in a month to fill those cavities! FLOSS! STAY GOLDEN PONY BOY..."
You walk out hating yourself if only because you know you'll have to be back in a month to have your mouth numbed and filled, in which they will most likely find another problem that will need to be fixed. Then, it's just like this endless cycle of health that you can't escape.
But at the end of the day, I guess it's a good thing, because then you can look at that British girl in the Rimmel London commercials and say, "Wow, I'm glad my teeth aren't fucked up like hers...I could be a supermodel."
And all is right in the world.
ONCE AGAIN.
I hope that this was funny and that I didn't offend anyone. I know dentists work really hard and do awesome things for us, but I'm just a dramatic betch who has nothing else to talk about in life but complain about everyday things.
ALSO, for the record, I don't think all British people have teeth like the Rimmel London girl. Just in case you thought that...I love British people and their beautiful mouths.
Until Next Time,
Kaitie
xo
