Betchy Bachelor Monday: Part IX

Good evening all. I'm going to try and not make this an Oscar blog really, really bad because I desperately would rather write about those...BUT I have people who depend on me. (maybe?)

Before we get started, I encourage you to vote for the poll in the top right corner if you haven't already and also read my Thursday blog from last week about Twitter, it's enlightening. At least, I thought so.

But first let's get this out of the way:



My Queen.

And then this...happened.



And I tried not to cry. And yes that is Hugh Jackman and Bradley Cooper.

ALRIGHT. BACHELOR. RIGHT. Staying on track. (also shout out to loyal fans Sarah and Ally, lylas!!)

Sean arrives in the episode like a gay pirate on some ship standing at the bow as if he were Jack looking for his Rose on the Titanic. He begins speaking uselessly, as usual.

He says, "I'm crazy about all three of them."

Well that's not going to work, now is it, Sean? You're going to have to choose someone. This isn't Sister Wives. They continue to show him frolicking alone. At one point he is laying on a hammock with his arms folded behind his head, sighing happily, yet the background commentary is him saying "this is the hardest decision I've ever had to make."

I'm not sure who is in charge of the editing of this show, but they've got quite the sense of humor.

Sean gives us a play by play of each of the girls that are left and tells us why he likes each of them. But basically he is just saying the same thing over again three times in different ways.

Once again, I learn that tonight's episode will be 2 hours.
I pour myself a glass of wine.

Each of these people has a catch phrase:
Sean- "This is by far the hardest decision I've had to make thusfar."
AshLee- "Sean was made for me. He is my soulmate."
Lindsay- "Oh, my gosh."
Catherine- actually, I can't think of one. You go, Glen Coco.

He goes on his first get-away date, or whatever they're called with Lindsay. I decide to count how many times she says "oh my gosh" on their date. Every time she sees him she tells him how good he looks, which yeah, okay, he does...but girl, come on.



Let him compliment you for once.

She's so desperate and dumb, it makes me cringe. Anyone who thinks Lindsay is the right choice is poorly mistaken.

remember this?

Lindsay and Sean go shopping around some Thailand outdoor mall thing. They eat bugs, even though Lindsay didn't want to (she's willing to put anything in her mouth at least once!...for Sean!)...
Speaking of Lindsay's mouth...I don't like it.
That's all I can think to say about that.

Anyways, they eat the bugs then shop around a little bit. Sean picks out some stupid, multi-colored shorts, which just doesn't shock anyone. Then they go to the beach and fool around a little bit and I'm having Deja Vu. The most exciting part of this date is when they fed the little monkeys that I just kept hoping would attack them and make this show somewhat interesting.

But somehow Lindsay still manages to be "so amazed" by everything.





Sean gives her the "fantasy suite" card, which I still don't get. Somehow it just reminds me of prostitution. I know it's not really, but it just strikes that chord with me...therefore, I'm very weary.

So L goes with Sean into the fantasy suite which doesn't look that fantastic to me, but she and her bustier of desperation manage to contort her annoyingly weird mouth and render the words "I love you" making me feel like this is actually the first time she's said this to anyone, ever. It was so awkward, I actually had to look away. Sean reacts by pulling her in for a kiss, like she did something great.

"I love you, kiss me! NOW."




Wrap up: LINDSAY IS SO DUMB, I'M SORRY...I really did try to like her, I did. Also, she said "oh my gosh" 21 times.

Moving on.

Sean takes AshLee on their fantasy date, or whatever, next. I decide to count how many times AshLee says that Sean is her "soulmate" or something of that variation. They go swimming into a dark, creepy cave and Sean tells her to trust him. I don't know why he thinks he's earned this from her. She claims that he is "half of her whole" and I'm just feeling very weird about it.



He asks her to trust him and to relax, yet Sean himself is freaking out like a scared kitten.

Eventually, they find their way out into this really awesome private beach where he is free to fondle her as much as he pleases. (I learned tonight that Sean is definitely an ass man)

They eat and drink wine, and I've blocked this part but I can almost promise you something was said about he has filled a hole in her life of misery.



Ash is just one of those girls that talks about love as if it is some mythical, magical thing and I realize that nothing she says actually makes sense in a real world context. But then again, this is The Bachelor. I don't know.




Wrap up: I like AshLee at first, felt like she was genuine and kind, now I just sort of think she's delusional and too serious about herself. Also, she said "soulmate" (or variation of) 9 times.

Next, Sean takes Catherine out on their date. They ride a boat for a while and Catherine continues to feed Sean's rising ego by telling him repeatedly that he is "such a hunk".



Maybe I misread something in the "Laws of Dating" book but I don't ever remember the girl as constantly being the one who has to give compliments to the guy. I mean, what is this? We're not in 7th grade, we don't have awkward bodies and repulsive facial acne anymore. People don't constantly need to be reassured that they look amazing.



Especially someone like Sean.

Because trust me, he knows.



Otherwise Sean and Catherine's date actually seems real and believable unlike the others. They actually talk about real things and not just " you fill the pieces of my soul" or "oh my gosh, I want to kiss you"  talk. (obviously, we can see who my pick/favorite is...just saying)

Plus, Catherine had more reservations about accepting the fantasy date card, which is kind of commendable. AshLee acted like she was worried about it, but really, you knew that bitch was going to accept him the entire time. Like, please.

Wrap up: Catherine is the happy medium between the sweet/fun Lindsay and the serious/romantic AshLee. Sean is repeating every week how he is "looking for a wife". Well, here you have it. She's your last best bet, dude.

Once the dates are over, they cut to Chris Harrison and we think he's about to say something serious and interesting but then he just dramatically introduces this random ass movie that has nothing to do with The Bachelor: "Here, we have a clip of Oz: The Great and Powerful".



Oh. Kay.

We get back from that weirdness and it's time for Sean to decide.

They take up a half hour of the show, and my life, as Sean decides who is going home. What a struggle it is. So hard, in fact, that he has to consult the pictures of the girls to make his decision. If I were these girls, I would feel very pressured at the beginning to take the perfect one of those pictures.

What emotion to convey? Fun, serious, loving, funny, charming, flirty, carefree, sexy, pensive, excited, lover of life, sultry, intelligent (no just kidding), outdoorsy?
The answer:
All of them.

That's a lot of pressure to get in one photograph.

She managed:

Sean takes his time looking at the pics of the girls and talks, once again, about how this is the hardest and biggest decision of his life...even though most of these "marriages" end in divorce anyway.

We can have hope though.

Each of the ladies recorded a video, basically telling Sean all the things that they've been telling him the whole time and also the things they've been telling us during their useless commentaries.




AshLee's video is so overly sentimental, it's almost painful to watch. She actually begins crying, which makes me think maybe she should just go get an acting job on one of those serious-adult shows our parents like to watch on Sunday nights while we watch good stuff like the Walking Dead or Once Upon a Time.

AshLee brings up how Sean has "torn down her wall". She's obsessed with her "wall" like Tierra was with"time".



Ouch, my keyboard just burned me for mentioning Tierra's name.

Oop, it did it again.

Curses.

Anyways, the rose ceremony starts and Sean gives out the first of the two to Lindsay, who looked like she forgot where she was for a minute there. His face then gets really red and he gives the second to Catherine, who graciously accepts.

Ash is just like, "oh hell no" and her "Wall" goes right back up.

She storms off like an ice queen straight to the car, not saying bye to the girls, not even saying bye to Sean. She commands him to "stay there/back" and he tells her he wants to explain himself.

When she gives him the chance to do that, he stands there like a bumbling idiot saying the same things he said to Dez last week.

Ash is like,

Unlike the emotional Dez who cried and practically begged him to let her stay, Ash is cold and emotionless--even though at any moment her boobs look like they could jump out and kill us all.

I don't blame her though. The only thing worse than coming in 2nd is coming in 3rd...your name is still remembered and you don't even get the honor of being close...you were close, but not close enough.

It does suck because if she meant everything she said about Sean saving her and healing her and all that shit, then her life is about to get real messy and effed up.

Although, maybe it's her own fault for going on a reality show to find love and completely giving herself over to a guy who has two-four other bitches in the line up right next to you.

Better luck next time, Ash.

Until next time,

Kaitie
xo

Types of Tweeters

Hello, and good evening!
Yes, I know...it's Thursday.
And yes, I know, I'm not talking about the Bachelor.
I can feel the pressure already.

Before we get tonight rolling, I encourage you all to go vote on the poll in the top right corner. So far there are two voters and that's kind of weird because I know (and hope) there are more of you reading this. So thanks!



Now, to the subject at hand.
Tonight I'm going to  be talking about the world of Twitter, in some senses. If you don't have a Twitter, you probably won't know what's going on...(also, who are you? get a Twitter, this is 2013)
In my years on Twitter, I've come to realize there are 13 types. And that is it.

If you are on Twitter, you are one of these types, or a mixture of these types.

Not to be biased or to seem like I'm being judgmental, I enlisted the help of three famed Twitter people. For purposes of my blog, I have changed their names.
Allow me to introduce my panel:

Jonah- age: 22, followers: 1,081, following: 87 [so you know he's cool], occupation: student, studying film, specifically film editing, favorite month: March, favorite Lay's chip flavor: "I don't like chips" (weirdo) favorite thing to do on a Thursday afternoon: drink PBR and watch youtube videos
[think of Jonah as a cool guy who generally gets offended when people call him a hipster even though he definitely is]

Britt- age: 20, followers: 342, following: 218, occupation: student, studying fashion merchandise, favorite month: June, favorite Lay's chip flavor: Dill Pickle (to which Ashley says, "ew that's gross"), favorite thing to do on a Thursday afternoon: eat food and hang out with my best friend, Ashley
[think of Britt as that short, talkative girl whose hair is always done, likes to party on week nights, and always carries lotion in her purse]

Ashley- age: 20, followers: 216, following: "It changes daily, I tend to keep it under 300 if possible", occupation: student, studying education, favorite month: September, favorite Lay's chip flavor: Original with Helluva Good dip, favorite thing to do on a Thursday afternoon: hanging out with Britt and making fun of people
[think of Ashley as a taller, more calm version of Britt with blonde hair that is never done but manages to always look good, who wears leggings as pants with riding boots and pulls it off, and has a tattoo of a Marilyn Monroe quote on her back]

*Note: these are sort of random people I realize, but they're awesome.

SO LET'S GET STARTED!



Twitter Type #1: The Emotional Tweeter
Definition: These people tend to only tweet things they are feeling. Most of the time, it is anger, frustration, or sadness. Occassionally, these people are happy, but it is rare.
Fun trait: These are the people who post the best song lyrics.



Panel Weighs in:
J: I can't stand people like this. They'll tweet random, depressing shit about not having friends or drinking alone on a Tuesday.

B: For me, it's usually my girlfriends who are going through break ups that post the most annoying stuff. Like, I get it, you're sad. We all get sad and angry sometimes. I don't want to see it all over my feed. Maybe you should channel that energy and go write a poem. It could get published someday...or like, you could sell your feelings to Taylor Swift.

A: Britt's just being nice. If you are one of these people, then you need to fucking stop. No one wants to read tweets about your depressing life. Writing down a few sentences in 140 characters isn't going to make things better. It's really fine if it happens once in a while, like once in a blue moon, but when you're tweeting this every day, it's terrible.

B: I guess so, it's like I always tell my friends when they go through a break up: "You have two days to listen to depressing music, then you have to pull your shit together."

Good advice, good advice.

Twitter Type #2: The Conversationalist
Definition: The only time this person ever tweets in when they are responding or having a conversation with another twitter-goer.
Fun trait: You won't hear from this person for days and then in a time span of two hours, they've tweeted 65 times.



Panel Weights In:
J: Here's my issue. I feel like people only do this when they are kind of friends with someone but aren't close enough friends with them to actually get a number. It's mostly irritating. If you're going to have a conversation with someone, do it through texting. We don't all want to witness your conversation about what you're doing tomorrow night.

B: Ash and I made a rule about this.

A: What are you talking about?

B: There's a limit to how long we have a twitter convo.

A: Oh, yeah, we have that.

B: Three tweets to each other max, then if it goes beyond that, we text.

J: Oh, and also, I do this all the time...if I feel like it's turning into a conversation, or I don't want to respond, I just 'favorite' the person's last tweet. It's kind of the like the final word of the conversation.

A: You mean kind of like when you text someone a smiley face, implying that the conversation is over?

J: Exactly. The smiley face is the end-all.


Twitter Type #3: I Hate My Life Tweeter
Definition: Not to be confused with the Emotional Tweeter, the I Hate My Life Tweeter is the one who complains...about everything.
Fun trait: They make you realize what a happy person you are.
Panel Weighs In (*Note: Britt left to get a Diet Coke for this one)



J: I think you should go first. I don't really know what to say.

A: Okay. These people drive me nuts! I hope I'm not one of them...and I get it, everyone's life sucks sometimes, but these people are terrible. They tweet about wanting to pound the head in of someone just because they cut them in line.

J: I've got a few people like this on my timeline. The other day, some girl complained that she wanted to 'end her life' because the people at Wendy's forgot her BBQ sauce.

A: Or like "Missed the bus again...nothing ever works for me. #fuckthisday"

J: These people act like they are the only people in the world who know struggle.

B: (comes back with Diet Coke) The machine stole my dollar...this is the worst day.

Twitter Type #4: Social Tweeter
Definition: Not to be confused with the Conversationalist, the Social Tweeter is one who rarely if ever tweets on a normal basis unless they are doing something social/in the social atmosphere. (i.e. Concert with @kaitiekates!!!) 
Fun trait: You always know when they have a bad weekend because they won't tweet at all.



B: I feel like I'm this person.

A: I feel like we're both this person.

J: I don't necessarily find this type of tweeter annoying, I just find them kind of pointless. They only tweet on like a Friday night or something saying "Hanging out with @person1 and @person2...going to get margaritas!" I just kind of don't care.

B: This reminds me a lot of 'checking in' on facebook. It's more of a "ha, I'm hanging out, doing this cool thing and you're not!"

A: Yeah like The Social Tweeter won't be one to sit there and go, "watching Gossip Girl in my underwear, alone on a Saturday night with some chocolate covered peanuts."

B: Why chocolate covered peanuts?

A: Well, that's what we did last Saturday...so that's why I thought that.

B: Oh. Yeah.

J: You guys were in your underwear?

B: Well, we were wearing hoodies!

I felt this discussion had taken a turn, so I moved us onto the next category...

Twitter Type #5: The Once in a Blue Moon Tweeter
Definition: You'll forget you even follow this person because they tweet so little. They're the type of person who has less than 100 tweets on their page.
Fun Trait: They themselves forget they have a twitter, or just don't know how to work it.

They're like..


Panel Weighs In:
A: I wish I used Twitter like this. It consumes my life.

J: It's so random when they tweet though, I'll look at my feed and I'll just say to myself, "oh I forgot I knew you."

B: I guess we feel like we really know people a lot more than we actually do just because of social networking. So when people don't tweet a lot, it makes them mysterious, but you also get a sense that they have other, more important things to do.

A: Like a super hero.

Twitter Type #6: The RTer
Definition: This person almost always re-tweets other people. They rarely speak for themselves, and when they do, it's usually irrelevant.
Fun Trait: It's a good way to find new, funny twitter accounts to follow.



Panel Weighs In:
J: Actually, I think this is me.

B: I love RTers, but NOT when they are re-tweeting for free stuff. There seems to always be people on my feed that RT like companies or something like : "If you retweet this 200 times, you can get a free iPad!" I don't know how people can be so gullible.

A: Or they retweet quotes all the time, like the emotional tweeter. Like country quotes or the notebook or something.. I should watch what I say because [name] always does that when she tweets. She'll probably read this and get pissed at me.

B: Kaitie's not using our real names though.

A: Oh, yeah! Ooh, so we can talk shit about people and stuff and they won't know.

B: They might be able to figure it out.

J: What is going on?

Moving on.

Twitter Type #7: The Passive Aggressive Tweeter
Definiton: This person often tweets when they are mad at someone else, or instead of facing the problem like an adult and in person, they do it via Twitter.
Fun Trait: We're almost all guilty of this.



B: Our roommate does this all the time. She'll tweet stuff like "well, looks like I'm going to have to clean up the kitchen again #typical #peoplearesorude"

A: Or when you're out with a group of girls and one girl tweets "I hate hanging out with trashy skanks." LIKE WHO IS SHE TALKING ABOUT?

J: I love when people actually hashtag 'subtweet'...like just making us all aware that that is what is happening and they're not just randomly saying this.

A: On that note, when they hashtag 'oomf' (one of my followers) like 'oomf owes me $100...you know who you are'. Like, that's kind of scary.

B: It's so annoying though. I don't understand it.

A: You do it.

B: No I don't.

A: 'My roommate needs to learn to keep her voice down when she's having skype sex with her boyfriend'.

J: Jesus...

A: What? No one knows who I am...this is an anonymous discussion.

B: Okay, so I did that before, but I didn't think Skype sex was even a real thing until I started living with you.

Jonah, once again, looks uncomfortable, so we move this convo along...

Twitter Type #8: The 'I Think I'm Hilarious' Tweeter
Definition: This person often tweets jokes, funny circumstances, and nothing else. We have no idea what their life is all about except that they are good at making fun of people.
Fun Trait: If you follow me, this is basically what you'll find...that I think I'm very funny, when in actuality...



Panel Weighs In
J: There's a difference though, some people really are funny.

A: Except some days they are funnier than other days.

J: Yeah, you know when they're having an off day.

B: I don't know, I don't have a problem with this tweeter, unless they really aren't funny. Then again, I suppose I'd rather hear unfunny jokes than annoying tweets about how much they hate everything.

J: I like to play by this rule: If you think you are tweeting funny shit and no one favorites or RT's you in two days time, then you need to stop.

A: Wait, do people who tweet inside jokes count under this???

Me: Sure!

A: Ugh, then yes, I hate that.

B: You do that ALL THE TIME.

J: I feel like everyone always tweets inside jokes with each other. It's only ever annoying when you're on the outside.

Isn't that life though?

Twitter Type #9: The Sports Tweeter
Definition: This tweeter only tweets if it has anything to do with sports, or is sports related. Mostly, during important games on television, sometimes non-important ones, or when major things happen (i.e. trades, drafts, or scandals)
Fun Trait: Unless you're a sportscaster, most don't care, unless you have an opinion about it.



B: Meet Ashley's boyfriend!!!

A: He tweets other things too.

B: NOT really.

J: I like the sports tweeter actually. I don't follow ESPN or anything because I just feel like they blow up my feed with useless information. I know if it's really important one of my sports tweeter friends will tweet it and then I'll be informed.

B: Ashley's boyfriend only has like 35 followers though. I doubt anything he has to say is that informative.

A: Wow...you're bitter today.

B: Maybe you should stop keeping me up with your skype fucking.

A: (gives me a look) You live tweeted the entire super bowl...like no one cares what you have to say about it (laughs)

B: That's different, that's the super bowl...and Beyonce was performing.

A: Brittany has a poster of Beyonce in her room.

B: Actually, it's Destiny's Child, and I still love them.

Don't we all?

Twitter Type #10: The Inappropriate Tweeter
Defintion: This person tweets a lot of personal information that we just don't need to know, ever.
Fun Trait: You'll always know when this person has had sex or taken a dump.



Panel Weighs In
J: These people make me uncomfortable as much in real life as they do on twitter.

A: I just really don't want to hear racist things on twitter, it's super offensive.

B: A lot of my friends always tweet mean things about, like Asians or someone and it makes me really annoyed. I've actually blocked people before. LIKE HELLO, I'M ASIAN, that's offensive.

A: Maybe you shouldn't have told people you're Asian, now they might know who you are.

B: I'm not the only Asian girl in [city]...but I am the hottest [winks]

A: My ex boyfriend twitpic'ed a picture of his friend peeing on a fire hydrant...like a beagle.

B: He was a frat guy.

A: So? It's still gross.

B: Well, I mean there are certain expectations.

J: I'm not in a frat, and I've peed on a hydrant before.

A: Ew, really?

J: No. Well, I've peed in bushes though.

A: I haven't.

B: When I go camping I do. It's exhilerating.

Twitter Type #11: The Instagramer/I Love Myself Tweeter
Definiton: This person is constantly tweeting pictures or themself, or things around them that make them who they are, apparently. Mostly they're just egomaniacs.
Fun Trait: If your twitter background is of yourself, you might be one of these people. Beware.




Panel Weighs In
A: I get wanting to tweet a picture of yourself if you got a new hair cut or something, BUT I'm really fine with not seeing a new picture of you everyday. What is this, a 365 days project that we all have to participate in unwillingly?

J: Girls Instagram EVERYTHING.

B: I don't get what's so bad about it.

J: What's so bad is that no one gives a shit. I guess no one should give a shit about tweets either, but tweeting pictures of yourself is worse.

A: I hate when girls tweet pictures of themselves with a quote that has nothing to do with what they're doing.

J: People always tweet sunsets too, like I've never seen one. Sunsets in a picture aren't the same as sunsets in real life, so I don't know what you're trying to do there..Or a picture that's caption is "driving to school" then they tweet a pic of themself smiling about life or something.

A: Or a picture of themself like "did my hair in a bun today!" um...awesome. Award of the year?

J: Instagraming/tweeting pictures of yourself is one thing, but I hate when girls tweet pictures of their food all the time. Especially lattes.

B: Notice how they always tweet pictures of cute foods like cupcakes, or cookies, or something precious, or pictures of healthy foods like salads or fish...I'm just waiting for the day some girl tweets a picture of her Cheez-Its, Diet Coke, in my case Dill Pickle Lay's, Oreo ice cream, and Chipotle, BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT NORMAL PEOPLE EAT.

Much like Britt, I am just waiting for the day someone Instagrams a picture of themselves taking a shit.

Twitter Type #12: Celebrity Tweeter
Definition: This person is one that often tweets to random celebrities, no matter how big or popular the celebrity is, they are tweeting them constantly.
Fun Trait: Once in a while, they'll get a tweet back and feel the need to RT it...what gets awkward is when you're the only person who actually knows who the person is..making the RT irrelevant.

"PLEASE TWEET BACK!!!"

Panel Weighs In
J: Do people still do this?

B: Ash and I do it all the time.

J: Have you ever gotten a tweet back?

A: I did once, from Kyle from The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.

B: I did from a character from the Real World...Matt, I think?

A: I really want Sean Lowe to tweet me. That's been my goal for months.

J: Who is Sean Lowe? [all three of our mouths obviously dropped open]

J: Oh, just kidding. I think I tweeted an author once, he tweeted me back.

A: That's cool, but yeah, I probably wouldn't know that because I don't read much.

B: We read, just like, magazines though. Mostly Cosmo and People. I really want a tweet back from Taylor Swift, but I know it will never happen.

A: I'm getting pretty close to a tweet back from a Shah of Sunset.

B: Which one?

A: Any of them!

J: What's s Shah of Sunset?

[before you pass judgement on these girls, just know that they became best friends 5 years ago when they both discovered they were dating the same guy. Instead of hating one another, as most girls would, they plotted sweet revenge against him, then became the best of friends...so GIRL POWER]

Twitter Type #13: The Nonsensical Tweeter
Definition: This person only tweets things that pertain to them personally and benefit nothing to the rest of us.
Fun Trait: Average tweeters do this as well, usually while intoxicated.



Panel Weighs In:
J: These are the people who tweet stuff like "DONUTS ARE MY DEMISE" right?

Me: Sort of.

A: I have this one guy who always tweets his own song lyrics, but they're not cute or anything, they're actually kind of scary.

B: You should report him. You don't want to be the person on one of those crime shows on E!Investigates that says "I saw the warning signs, I should've said something."

A: I'm sure he's fine.

J: [looking through his phone] Here's one! [shows us the tweet: some guy tweeted "Sapphire Penis"]

B: Oh yeah, that's real weird.

A: I think people just tweet things that pop in their mind sometimes.

B: Or when they're high.

J: These are almost the guys or girls in high school that thought they were alternative. I'm surprised they're even on twitter because it's so conformist.

B: Whatever. I can't stand when people say Twitter is stupid. Those are precisely the same people who make annoying statuses on facebook. Twitter is a good outlet for people who have things to say but don't want to piss their friends off on facebook. Also, to say what you really feel so that all of your family on facebook can't see it.

A: My mom has a twitter though.

B: Yeah, but she doesn't even know what a hashtag is, I think you're fine.

A: I personally think the hashtag is dying down. Like now, it's not as ironic or funny anymore.

J: Twitter in general is not as funny or ironic as it use to be in general.

A: That's what a hipster would say.

J: I'm not a hipster.

B: You're wearing a beanie.
___________________________________________________________________

As you can see, there are many different versions of people we can portray ourselves as on Twitter. Some of us are more extreme versions of one of these 13 than others, or, as I said, a mixture of one of more depending on day and mood. But ultimately, this is the diagram of what Twitter really is. I had the pleasure of opening up this discussion to people who actually seemed to care! Imagine that.

I'd like to thank "Jonah", "Britt", and "Ashley" for helping me out tonight.
Who knows? Maybe they'll appear in another blog sometime soon!
I'd personally love Ashley and Britt's Bachelor input, so we'll see.

Have a good weekend, y'all.

Until next time,

Kaitie....OUT!

Betchy Bachelor Monday: Part VIII

Happy Monday. We've arrived. Let's run this.



Alright, so tonight started off and we learn that it's time for the Hometown Dates. Things get way serious, way fast.

Our lovely Bachelor Sean is going to visit the four hometowns of his four remaining ladies. Of course, he starts with AshLee because she is the most boring. In my naive state, I wonder if the remaining shows are going to be only an hour as opposed to two since there are only four girls left. But alas, I am wrong. The Bachelor still manages to monopolize two hours of my night every Monday.




AshLee starts talking, saying the same three things she always says over and over again:
1- I had no idea what true love was until I met Sean. (that's sad..)
2- It's like Sean was made for me. (oh jeesh)
3- I've completely abadoned myself to Sean. (okay, what are you saying)

Seriously. That's all she knows how to say. She talks about how perfect Sean is and how he just completely gets her. STAHP AND REWIND. Here's the thing. Why in the world is this girl going on and on about how amazing and perfect this guy is? Does she realize she still has to beat out three girls for his affection? If I were her, I'd still be A LITTLE guarded. But no. AshLee with the big L has completely given herself over to this guy like it's a done fucking deal.



This is a reality competition show, in case we forgot. Just sayin.

AshLee's dad sits Sean down and gets all emotional, immediately asking Sean: "do you love my daughter?"...do you blame him?

Sean passive aggressively responds: "I see love on the horizon."

Which means no.

AshLee starts her commentary again and I'm jut about to fall asleep to her Disney princess voice as she talks about "fireworks and pixie dust" (I'm not making it up, she did say that) and then they cut to commercial break and the emotional, Pro-America Jeep commercial plays, making me more emotional in twenty seconds than I have been thusfar on the Bachelor.


Did you just tear up? I did.

Next, Catherine gets her "take me home" date or whatever the fuck it's called and Sean travels to Seattle. They play catch the fish with the seafood guys which is comical. Sean says he likes a girl that can get her hands dirty. I don't think I could be with a man who wanted my hands to smell like fish constantly. Fucking creep. JUST...SAYIN.



Catherine takes Sean to her all female family. Her older sisters appear to be rigid, bitter bitches who don't like the fact that their younger sister has the prospect of marriage before they do. It reminds me of a demented Pride & Prejudice.

Her date is slightly less boring than AshLee's, but nevertheless, we must cut away to Lindsay's date. Then I remember that I'm still not sure why Lindsay's there.



She takes Sean to her hometown, an army base where her dad is this big shot general. Sean doesn't seem to be too worried though...which angers me. He's a little too comfortable with the fact that he's dating four women to the point where he is meeting their parents and still thinks he's the saint of love or some shit like that.



Lindsay shows Sean the sights, taking him to some empty cupcake shop then forcing him to wear a turtleneck and do push ups...making it weird. Every time she speaks, something inside of me dies.

So Sean goes on to meet Lindsay's family. Her mom's darling and her father is stern, as to be expected, with various rifles hanging on the wall. Where I'm from, this isn't weird...but Sean thinks it's kind of cray cray.

MAYBE HE SHOULD BE SCARED NOW.

Sean talks to the General about his daughter and when he asks Sean what he likes about his baby girl Sean basically says, "She's just so sweet and dumb, I can't resist her." Nothing about Lindsay's personality makes me go, "what a catch!" I don't remember anything that girl has said that's been remotely intelligent.

But.

That's not what this show is about.

Finally, Sean goes to meet Desiree's family. We'll call her Dez.
First they start off with a hike along the trail in the Hollywood hills. Sean is wearing pink shorts with a baseball shirt that is blue and purple. I almost can't handle how metro he looks.
As they are sitting in her condo, waiting for her fam, some rando knocks on the door. Dez answers it, looking horrified. It's some guy who claims he needs to talk to her and that the cameras need to be shut off...to which the cameras get even closer.

It's so unbelievably stupid that I don't even know how we could've thought for a moment it was real. It reminded me of an episode of 'Days of Our Lives'.

The guy starts saying how he still loves Dez and Sean's getting all red and full of fury when Dez drops the bomb on him that....she's playing a practical joke on him (much like he did to her on their first one-on-one)


HA. HA. ha.



Once that awkwardness is over, Sean pretends to be calm and laugh about it when Dez's real family arrives consisting of her happy parents and tattoo artist type brother. Her parents are so freakishly nice and weird that it makes you wonder how they raised someone as normal and conceited as Dez and likewise, someone as playa-playa like as her brother.

Right off the bat, Dez's brother hates Sean and is questionable of everything.

Alright.

I definitely don't blame him. If I moronically joined this show and had an older brother, I would hope he'd question it a bit. He was being protective, which is understandable...but then it turns into this whole thing where I wonder if he's acting like a dick on purpose just to stir up trouble.

Sean clearly doesn't appreciate being called out as a "playboy"...which, if you think about it, is exactly what he is right now. Playboys are "sexy" guys who date multiple women at once.

Right..?

Well.

None of us like to hear our true colors, do we?



So anyways. Sean gets all red and awkward when Dez's brother gets sassy.
Dez knows at this point that she is screwed because Sean is obsessed with family, almost as much as mountains and anything outdoors..and blue shorts.

Once all the dates are over, Sean "has a lot to think about". They show him rummaging through his closet, looking for his tux, wearing no shirt. HEY, IT'S BEEN A WHILE, SEAN'S ABS!



Getting back to the basics.

When Chris Harrison comes up for his weekly pep talk, Sean informs him that he knows Lindsay and AshLee will deff be picked because their families were well behaved. However, he cannot decide if should keep Catherine or Dez because their families actually questioned him.

Sigh.

Sean stands in the little room off to the side with all of the girls' pictures, just in case he forgets what they look like, and contemplates.

He says he can't be with someone who's brother can't stand him...so that's Dez.
But then he says he can't be with someone who is on a "different life path" than him...implying Catherine, who told Sean she's very career focused and isn't ready to start a family right away.



GOD FORBID.
The girl is only 26. Can we calm down?
If Sean loves the girl, why doesn't he wait a few years till making her pop out a few kids? If the young woman wants to be independent and work/explore the world...why should that be such an issue for him?

That doesn't mean you're on different "life paths", that just means she wants time to live with you before producing your heirs.
WEIRDO.




The rose ceremony finally commences (only after Dez pulls him aside in a panic, crying and apologizing for her brother when Sean sings his own rendition of "Apologize" by One Republic...IT'S TOO LATE FOR THAT) and Sean gives out the first two easily to Ash and Lindzzz. As he is about to make his choice, he puts the rose down like a fucking diva and walks back to the 'contemplation room'.



The producers are like, "HEY, FLICK THE LIGHTS BACK ON...LIGHT SOME CANDLES!"
Sean looks at the pictures.
Chris Harrison walks in, "What the fuck buddy?"
Sean gives Chris his puppy dog eyes, as if he hasn't already pushed the limits enough, he basically is asking Chris if he just let them both stay this week. Chris just is like "NO MAKE A DAMN CHOICE, you cannot break every rule."
It reminded me of when my mom knew I was faking sick and told me, "NO YOU HAVE TO GO TO SCHOOL, GET UP."

MAN UP, Sean...pull off the band-aid nice and quick...don't make them linger.



Sean "takes his time" to think about it, then gives Catherine the rose.
Obviously! This may be the only time he can get a hot Asian. Even if she is a disgusting career woman. Yucky.

Dez continues to cry and beg, saying "this is a huge mistake"...a 100% mistake...not a 99.99%. Serious statement. But I didn't say it, she did.
Except, she can't actually give Sean an explanation besides "this is a mistake, you're making a huge mistake, this isn't right."




ACCEPT IT. Stop being pathetic, and swerve left girl.

You can do better.
Even if your brother scares them all away.

Needless to say, she'll never talk to her brother again.

Until next time,

Kaitie
xo

PS!!!!!!!: Vote for your favorite female celebrity currently out of the four in the poll in the top right corner of this blog, THANKS!

Betchy Bachelor Monday: Part VII

Alright betches. Let's sparkle.




This week, we're in St. Croix, Virgin Islands which is actually the polar opposite of Canada weather-wise. So if I were these girls, I'd be sick as shit. It's a beautiful place, of course. Sean continues to be the rebellious bachelor and rides the private jet in with the girls as opposed to taking his own. Really, The Bachelor is just trying to cut on expenses though. This is a recession.



The ladies all get into their hotel and freak out as all people do when they get into a hotel. Tierra wastes no time ostracizing herself and gets a fold out bed, shoving herself in a broom closet. No one cares.

AshLee gets the first date card from Sean, and once again, no one cares.

AshLee and Sean go to the beach and frolick around a lot in tropical waters and white sand beaches. They show multiple views of Sean and AshLee making out in their swim suits as the waves crash around them. Each time, they are in a different position. Unfortunately, no '69'..because that's the only part of that montage that would've been remotely interesting.

After rolling around for a while, they have some wine. Sean asks AshLee if she has anything else to tell him. She starts freaking out and all I keep thinking is: oh, my gosh...she killed someone.

I don't know why my trail of thought just automatically took me there. For some reason, AshLee just seems like the type of person that murdered someone. I mean, I think she would do it for a good reason. I don't necessarily think she's some serial killer...more like a vigilante or something.

Instead, she says that she was married at 17. To which, we all yawn. Sean's like "really, that's it?"

All that really says about her is that she was one of those annoying girls in high school that thought she didn't have to play by social rules.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel, the next date card comes. The girls call Tierra out from her fold out bed in her closet and tell her she got the second one-on-one date. Despite the fact that she's been bitching about needing time with Sean and a one-on-one, Tierra is not pleased though because she doesn't want to go outdoors and sweat. "He knows I like boating."
I cannot..




Sean appears, once again in an outfit that seemingly comes from the realm of "button down long sleeve, unbuttoned twice and colored shorts with matching tennis shoes". He just walked out an Old Navy summer ad, basically.




So finally, Tierra gets her blessed date and I don't even remember what they did, but I remember IT WAS STUPID. She says at one point, "These girls aren't going to be around much longer" ..making it weird.

Sean's like...

Desiree, Catherine, and Lindsay get the group date then. It starts with Sean ripping them from their beds sans-makeup at 4:30 am. Sounds like a good time. Desiree is all "SHOTTIE!" and literally for the rest of the date, she monopolizes Sean's life. Catherine and Lindsay are annoyed. Well, Catherine's annoyed, Lindsay doesn't know where the fuck she is. Put a set of male organs in front of her, and she'll just put her mouth on them, no questions asked!



So they're traveling around the islands from place to place in some Jeep. This time Sean appears to know how to actually drive it, so that's good. Then they go into a treehouse and pretend to be Tarzan. But it's not cute or funny, it just reminds me of non-funny people trying to be funny. They all play on the tree house, which has a tire swing. Dez uses this as her chance to spread her legs open as wide as possible.


After this, they cut to commercial break and show some jewelry commercials, because that's what they do on the Bachelor.

When we get back fom the commercials, they show a Pelican diving into the water WHICH IS WHAT THEY DO WHEN THEY ARE ABOUT TO ATTACK A FISH. I wasn't sure how to take this. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe the bird wasn't attacking...but a- I'm not a fucking bird expert and b- I found it STRANGE, okay?

Anyways, Sean and Catherine and frolicking now. As a person, Catherine is really growing on me. She opens up to Sean and he looks like he's about to cry, which is nice. Afterwards, Dez and him walk off and she starts crying about something, too and it's just very much an emotional time. Of course, Lindsay gets her alone time too. She doesn't know how to communicate effectively, so she just sucks his lips some more.

Instead of giving the date rose to one of the two girls who gets emotional, he gives it to the ever-desperate Lindsay.

Sense is not made, but whatever, Sean.



Lesley gets a date card and I can see how nervous she is. I would be too if I were her. Last time they went on a date one-on-one, he forced her to stand on a podium in front of a bunch of people and kiss on screen for three and a half minutes. Lesley begins talking about how they are in "a secret garden" which has all kinds of innuendos that I don't even want to begin to talk about.
Turns out it's an abandoned fruit factory.
Just, what?

Lesley proceeds to act and feel awkward and repeats "literally" about twenty times. I don't blame her for feeling uncomfortable. Sean brought that upon himself when he LITERALLY took her on the most awkward date ever. Sean bitches about how Lesley may not be the one because she basically doesn't kiss him enough. LIKE FOUR MINUTES ON SCREEN ON A PODIUM BREAKING A WORLD RECORD ISN'T ENOUGH.






palm. slap. to. the. face.

They go back to the hotel and Sean's sister, Shay, surprises him in a watermelon outfit and they just sit and talk. I like Shay because, unlike her brother, she seems like a realistic and self-actualized person. She straight up tells him, "you're going to break hearts. these bitches will get over it."

Sean brings up Tierra, saying he worries about her and how she doesn't get along with the other girls. Shay rolls her eyes, sits back, and files her nails, like "yeah, and what do you want me to say about it?" His sister tells him that any girl who doesn't get along with other girls is a huge warning sign.
UM, YEAH SEAN, HELLLLOOOO.

Meanwhile, inside the hotel suite/villa/whatever Tierra is "confronting" AshLee about what she said to Sean on their one-on-one. (Sean had asked AshLee what Tierra's real deal was, and Ash told him straight up that Tierra was a nutcase) There's a lot of sassy yelling involved and Tierra storming off angrily, yelling about how her parents told her she has a "sparkle" and how she "can't control" her eyebrow. Wish I had that excuse when someone was acting like a fucking idiot in front of me and I could just blankly stare, "sorry, did that offend you? I CAN'T CONTROL MY FACE."
Wouldn't that be nice???

At the height of Tierra's argument she says, "Men love me, girls are jealous of me."
Sean, PLEASE.



So Sean rolls into the house conveniently (producers, wink, wink) to grab Tierra so his sis can interrogate her while Ash and Tierra are bitching abour eyebrows and sparkles.
Sean comes in and Tierra is in her closet, crying like a lunatic. Shock.
Sean tries to comfort her, but he's completely lost control of the situation. He steps out to think a minute, comes back, and finally tells Tierra to get packing.

Everyone audience member stood up and clapped happily when this happened.
I know I did.



Tierra continues to be annoying up until the very end. If I were Sean I would've slammed that van door in her face and been like "PEACE!"

Tierra at the end....


We continue to the rose ceremony and the air is full of tension. Sean walks in and informs the ladies that Tierra is indeed gone. The women try to contain their delight until he informs them that there will be no cocktail party. I'm all like "WHAT?!?!" but my bachelor spirit guides inform me that this is not the first time this has happened.

Sean knows what he needs to do. And he'll do it.

AshLee is freaking out because he looked directly at her and said he didn't want to "keep girls who cause drama"...UM you kept Tierra for weeks knowing she caused drama...so that's a weird and invalid point. AshLee feels like this is directed at her nevertheless, and I can only imagine the other women having to listen to her freak out about it for at least an hour as they prepare for the ceremony.

The ceremony finally gets kicking and Sean sends home Literally Lesley. The girls are pretty sad, Catherine takes it harder than anyone. Lesley was her bestie in the house, so this is a very shocking blow for her. Catherine claims that Lesley and Sean had way more in common than she and Sean do..so she is sad/worried. Obviously, she was not on that awkward as hell date at the fruit factory with them...

I do, however, appreciate Catherine being sad that her friend left. You've got to give the girl props. Even though she is in a reality competition in which she has to beat out 20+ other women for the affections of one man, she still decides to pretend that this is about making friends. All the remaining girls seem to be friends, which is weird to me. Granted, they did all have a common enemy (Tierra's eyebrow). Still, it's bizarre that these women do (pretend to) get along so well.

As Sean continues on his hunt for his soulmate, or whatever bull shit, I think we should all just evaluate the reason that people like this show. Is it for the love? I don't think so. The success rate of the 17 Bachelor seasons has been about 10%. Do we like watching women fight with one another over a man? Or do we just like to make fun of them?

I don't have an answer.
I wish I did.
I know why I like it personally--I like having an excuse to drink on a Monday night in excess.



Until next time,
Kaitie

xo