This week, we're in St. Croix, Virgin Islands which is actually the polar opposite of Canada weather-wise. So if I were these girls, I'd be sick as shit. It's a beautiful place, of course. Sean continues to be the rebellious bachelor and rides the private jet in with the girls as opposed to taking his own. Really, The Bachelor is just trying to cut on expenses though. This is a recession.
The ladies all get into their hotel and freak out as all people do when they get into a hotel. Tierra wastes no time ostracizing herself and gets a fold out bed, shoving herself in a broom closet. No one cares.
AshLee gets the first date card from Sean, and once again, no one cares.
AshLee and Sean go to the beach and frolick around a lot in tropical waters and white sand beaches. They show multiple views of Sean and AshLee making out in their swim suits as the waves crash around them. Each time, they are in a different position. Unfortunately, no '69'..because that's the only part of that montage that would've been remotely interesting.
After rolling around for a while, they have some wine. Sean asks AshLee if she has anything else to tell him. She starts freaking out and all I keep thinking is: oh, my gosh...she killed someone.
I don't know why my trail of thought just automatically took me there. For some reason, AshLee just seems like the type of person that murdered someone. I mean, I think she would do it for a good reason. I don't necessarily think she's some serial killer...more like a vigilante or something.
Instead, she says that she was married at 17. To which, we all yawn. Sean's like "really, that's it?"
All that really says about her is that she was one of those annoying girls in high school that thought she didn't have to play by social rules.
Meanwhile, back at the hotel, the next date card comes. The girls call Tierra out from her fold out bed in her closet and tell her she got the second one-on-one date. Despite the fact that she's been bitching about needing time with Sean and a one-on-one, Tierra is not pleased though because she doesn't want to go outdoors and sweat. "He knows I like boating."
I cannot..
Sean appears, once again in an outfit that seemingly comes from the realm of "button down long sleeve, unbuttoned twice and colored shorts with matching tennis shoes". He just walked out an Old Navy summer ad, basically.
So finally, Tierra gets her blessed date and I don't even remember what they did, but I remember IT WAS STUPID. She says at one point, "These girls aren't going to be around much longer" ..making it weird.
Sean's like...
Desiree, Catherine, and Lindsay get the group date then. It starts with Sean ripping them from their beds sans-makeup at 4:30 am. Sounds like a good time. Desiree is all "SHOTTIE!" and literally for the rest of the date, she monopolizes Sean's life. Catherine and Lindsay are annoyed. Well, Catherine's annoyed, Lindsay doesn't know where the fuck she is. Put a set of male organs in front of her, and she'll just put her mouth on them, no questions asked!
So they're traveling around the islands from place to place in some Jeep. This time Sean appears to know how to actually drive it, so that's good. Then they go into a treehouse and pretend to be Tarzan. But it's not cute or funny, it just reminds me of non-funny people trying to be funny. They all play on the tree house, which has a tire swing. Dez uses this as her chance to spread her legs open as wide as possible.
After this, they cut to commercial break and show some jewelry commercials, because that's what they do on the Bachelor.
When we get back fom the commercials, they show a Pelican diving into the water WHICH IS WHAT THEY DO WHEN THEY ARE ABOUT TO ATTACK A FISH. I wasn't sure how to take this. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe the bird wasn't attacking...but a- I'm not a fucking bird expert and b- I found it STRANGE, okay?
Anyways, Sean and Catherine and frolicking now. As a person, Catherine is really growing on me. She opens up to Sean and he looks like he's about to cry, which is nice. Afterwards, Dez and him walk off and she starts crying about something, too and it's just very much an emotional time. Of course, Lindsay gets her alone time too. She doesn't know how to communicate effectively, so she just sucks his lips some more.
Instead of giving the date rose to one of the two girls who gets emotional, he gives it to the ever-desperate Lindsay.
Sense is not made, but whatever, Sean.
Lesley gets a date card and I can see how nervous she is. I would be too if I were her. Last time they went on a date one-on-one, he forced her to stand on a podium in front of a bunch of people and kiss on screen for three and a half minutes. Lesley begins talking about how they are in "a secret garden" which has all kinds of innuendos that I don't even want to begin to talk about.
Turns out it's an abandoned fruit factory.
Just, what?
Lesley proceeds to act and feel awkward and repeats "literally" about twenty times. I don't blame her for feeling uncomfortable. Sean brought that upon himself when he LITERALLY took her on the most awkward date ever. Sean bitches about how Lesley may not be the one because she basically doesn't kiss him enough. LIKE FOUR MINUTES ON SCREEN ON A PODIUM BREAKING A WORLD RECORD ISN'T ENOUGH.
palm. slap. to. the. face.
They go back to the hotel and Sean's sister, Shay, surprises him in a watermelon outfit and they just sit and talk. I like Shay because, unlike her brother, she seems like a realistic and self-actualized person. She straight up tells him, "you're going to break hearts. these bitches will get over it."
Sean brings up Tierra, saying he worries about her and how she doesn't get along with the other girls. Shay rolls her eyes, sits back, and files her nails, like "yeah, and what do you want me to say about it?" His sister tells him that any girl who doesn't get along with other girls is a huge warning sign.
UM, YEAH SEAN, HELLLLOOOO.
Meanwhile, inside the hotel suite/villa/whatever Tierra is "confronting" AshLee about what she said to Sean on their one-on-one. (Sean had asked AshLee what Tierra's real deal was, and Ash told him straight up that Tierra was a nutcase) There's a lot of sassy yelling involved and Tierra storming off angrily, yelling about how her parents told her she has a "sparkle" and how she "can't control" her eyebrow. Wish I had that excuse when someone was acting like a fucking idiot in front of me and I could just blankly stare, "sorry, did that offend you? I CAN'T CONTROL MY FACE."
Wouldn't that be nice???
At the height of Tierra's argument she says, "Men love me, girls are jealous of me."
Sean, PLEASE.
So Sean rolls into the house conveniently (producers, wink, wink) to grab Tierra so his sis can interrogate her while Ash and Tierra are bitching abour eyebrows and sparkles.
Sean comes in and Tierra is in her closet, crying like a lunatic. Shock.
Sean tries to comfort her, but he's completely lost control of the situation. He steps out to think a minute, comes back, and finally tells Tierra to get packing.
Everyone audience member stood up and clapped happily when this happened.
I know I did.
Tierra continues to be annoying up until the very end. If I were Sean I would've slammed that van door in her face and been like "PEACE!"
Tierra at the end....
We continue to the rose ceremony and the air is full of tension. Sean walks in and informs the ladies that Tierra is indeed gone. The women try to contain their delight until he informs them that there will be no cocktail party. I'm all like "WHAT?!?!" but my bachelor spirit guides inform me that this is not the first time this has happened.
Sean knows what he needs to do. And he'll do it.
AshLee is freaking out because he looked directly at her and said he didn't want to "keep girls who cause drama"...UM you kept Tierra for weeks knowing she caused drama...so that's a weird and invalid point. AshLee feels like this is directed at her nevertheless, and I can only imagine the other women having to listen to her freak out about it for at least an hour as they prepare for the ceremony.
The ceremony finally gets kicking and Sean sends home Literally Lesley. The girls are pretty sad, Catherine takes it harder than anyone. Lesley was her bestie in the house, so this is a very shocking blow for her. Catherine claims that Lesley and Sean had way more in common than she and Sean do..so she is sad/worried. Obviously, she was not on that awkward as hell date at the fruit factory with them...
I do, however, appreciate Catherine being sad that her friend left. You've got to give the girl props. Even though she is in a reality competition in which she has to beat out 20+ other women for the affections of one man, she still decides to pretend that this is about making friends. All the remaining girls seem to be friends, which is weird to me. Granted, they did all have a common enemy (Tierra's eyebrow). Still, it's bizarre that these women do (pretend to) get along so well.
As Sean continues on his hunt for his soulmate, or whatever bull shit, I think we should all just evaluate the reason that people like this show. Is it for the love? I don't think so. The success rate of the 17 Bachelor seasons has been about 10%. Do we like watching women fight with one another over a man? Or do we just like to make fun of them?
I don't have an answer.
I wish I did.
I know why I like it personally--I like having an excuse to drink on a Monday night in excess.
Until next time,
Kaitie
xo
No comments:
Post a Comment