Yes, I know...it's Thursday.
And yes, I know, I'm not talking about the Bachelor.
I can feel the pressure already.
Before we get tonight rolling, I encourage you all to go vote on the poll in the top right corner. So far there are two voters and that's kind of weird because I know (and hope) there are more of you reading this. So thanks!
Now, to the subject at hand.
Tonight I'm going to be talking about the world of Twitter, in some senses. If you don't have a Twitter, you probably won't know what's going on...(also, who are you? get a Twitter, this is 2013)
In my years on Twitter, I've come to realize there are 13 types. And that is it.
If you are on Twitter, you are one of these types, or a mixture of these types.
Not to be biased or to seem like I'm being judgmental, I enlisted the help of three famed Twitter people. For purposes of my blog, I have changed their names.
Allow me to introduce my panel:
Jonah- age: 22, followers: 1,081, following: 87 [so you know he's cool], occupation: student, studying film, specifically film editing, favorite month: March, favorite Lay's chip flavor: "I don't like chips" (weirdo) favorite thing to do on a Thursday afternoon: drink PBR and watch youtube videos
[think of Jonah as a cool guy who generally gets offended when people call him a hipster even though he definitely is]
Britt- age: 20, followers: 342, following: 218, occupation: student, studying fashion merchandise, favorite month: June, favorite Lay's chip flavor: Dill Pickle (to which Ashley says, "ew that's gross"), favorite thing to do on a Thursday afternoon: eat food and hang out with my best friend, Ashley
[think of Britt as that short, talkative girl whose hair is always done, likes to party on week nights, and always carries lotion in her purse]
Ashley- age: 20, followers: 216, following: "It changes daily, I tend to keep it under 300 if possible", occupation: student, studying education, favorite month: September, favorite Lay's chip flavor: Original with Helluva Good dip, favorite thing to do on a Thursday afternoon: hanging out with Britt and making fun of people
[think of Ashley as a taller, more calm version of Britt with blonde hair that is never done but manages to always look good, who wears leggings as pants with riding boots and pulls it off, and has a tattoo of a Marilyn Monroe quote on her back]
*Note: these are sort of random people I realize, but they're awesome.
SO LET'S GET STARTED!
Twitter Type #1: The Emotional Tweeter
Definition: These people tend to only tweet things they are feeling. Most of the time, it is anger, frustration, or sadness. Occassionally, these people are happy, but it is rare.
Fun trait: These are the people who post the best song lyrics.
Panel Weighs in:
J: I can't stand people like this. They'll tweet random, depressing shit about not having friends or drinking alone on a Tuesday.
B: For me, it's usually my girlfriends who are going through break ups that post the most annoying stuff. Like, I get it, you're sad. We all get sad and angry sometimes. I don't want to see it all over my feed. Maybe you should channel that energy and go write a poem. It could get published someday...or like, you could sell your feelings to Taylor Swift.
A: Britt's just being nice. If you are one of these people, then you need to fucking stop. No one wants to read tweets about your depressing life. Writing down a few sentences in 140 characters isn't going to make things better. It's really fine if it happens once in a while, like once in a blue moon, but when you're tweeting this every day, it's terrible.
B: I guess so, it's like I always tell my friends when they go through a break up: "You have two days to listen to depressing music, then you have to pull your shit together."
Good advice, good advice.
Twitter Type #2: The Conversationalist
Definition: The only time this person ever tweets in when they are responding or having a conversation with another twitter-goer.
Fun trait: You won't hear from this person for days and then in a time span of two hours, they've tweeted 65 times.
Panel Weights In:
J: Here's my issue. I feel like people only do this when they are kind of friends with someone but aren't close enough friends with them to actually get a number. It's mostly irritating. If you're going to have a conversation with someone, do it through texting. We don't all want to witness your conversation about what you're doing tomorrow night.
B: Ash and I made a rule about this.
A: What are you talking about?
B: There's a limit to how long we have a twitter convo.
A: Oh, yeah, we have that.
B: Three tweets to each other max, then if it goes beyond that, we text.
J: Oh, and also, I do this all the time...if I feel like it's turning into a conversation, or I don't want to respond, I just 'favorite' the person's last tweet. It's kind of the like the final word of the conversation.
A: You mean kind of like when you text someone a smiley face, implying that the conversation is over?
J: Exactly. The smiley face is the end-all.
Twitter Type #3: I Hate My Life Tweeter
Definition: Not to be confused with the Emotional Tweeter, the I Hate My Life Tweeter is the one who complains...about everything.
Fun trait: They make you realize what a happy person you are.
Panel Weighs In (*Note: Britt left to get a Diet Coke for this one)
J: I think you should go first. I don't really know what to say.
A: Okay. These people drive me nuts! I hope I'm not one of them...and I get it, everyone's life sucks sometimes, but these people are terrible. They tweet about wanting to pound the head in of someone just because they cut them in line.
J: I've got a few people like this on my timeline. The other day, some girl complained that she wanted to 'end her life' because the people at Wendy's forgot her BBQ sauce.
A: Or like "Missed the bus again...nothing ever works for me. #fuckthisday"
J: These people act like they are the only people in the world who know struggle.
B: (comes back with Diet Coke) The machine stole my dollar...this is the worst day.
Twitter Type #4: Social Tweeter
Definition: Not to be confused with the Conversationalist, the Social Tweeter is one who rarely if ever tweets on a normal basis unless they are doing something social/in the social atmosphere. (i.e. Concert with @kaitiekates!!!)
Fun trait: You always know when they have a bad weekend because they won't tweet at all.
B: I feel like I'm this person.
A: I feel like we're both this person.
J: I don't necessarily find this type of tweeter annoying, I just find them kind of pointless. They only tweet on like a Friday night or something saying "Hanging out with @person1 and @person2...going to get margaritas!" I just kind of don't care.
B: This reminds me a lot of 'checking in' on facebook. It's more of a "ha, I'm hanging out, doing this cool thing and you're not!"
A: Yeah like The Social Tweeter won't be one to sit there and go, "watching Gossip Girl in my underwear, alone on a Saturday night with some chocolate covered peanuts."
B: Why chocolate covered peanuts?
A: Well, that's what we did last Saturday...so that's why I thought that.
B: Oh. Yeah.
J: You guys were in your underwear?
B: Well, we were wearing hoodies!
I felt this discussion had taken a turn, so I moved us onto the next category...
Twitter Type #5: The Once in a Blue Moon Tweeter
Definition: You'll forget you even follow this person because they tweet so little. They're the type of person who has less than 100 tweets on their page.
Fun Trait: They themselves forget they have a twitter, or just don't know how to work it.
They're like..
Panel Weighs In:
A: I wish I used Twitter like this. It consumes my life.
J: It's so random when they tweet though, I'll look at my feed and I'll just say to myself, "oh I forgot I knew you."
B: I guess we feel like we really know people a lot more than we actually do just because of social networking. So when people don't tweet a lot, it makes them mysterious, but you also get a sense that they have other, more important things to do.
A: Like a super hero.
Twitter Type #6: The RTer
Definition: This person almost always re-tweets other people. They rarely speak for themselves, and when they do, it's usually irrelevant.
Fun Trait: It's a good way to find new, funny twitter accounts to follow.
Panel Weighs In:
J: Actually, I think this is me.
B: I love RTers, but NOT when they are re-tweeting for free stuff. There seems to always be people on my feed that RT like companies or something like : "If you retweet this 200 times, you can get a free iPad!" I don't know how people can be so gullible.
A: Or they retweet quotes all the time, like the emotional tweeter. Like country quotes or the notebook or something.. I should watch what I say because [name] always does that when she tweets. She'll probably read this and get pissed at me.
B: Kaitie's not using our real names though.
A: Oh, yeah! Ooh, so we can talk shit about people and stuff and they won't know.
B: They might be able to figure it out.
J: What is going on?
Moving on.
Twitter Type #7: The Passive Aggressive Tweeter
Definiton: This person often tweets when they are mad at someone else, or instead of facing the problem like an adult and in person, they do it via Twitter.
Fun Trait: We're almost all guilty of this.
B: Our roommate does this all the time. She'll tweet stuff like "well, looks like I'm going to have to clean up the kitchen again #typical #peoplearesorude"
A: Or when you're out with a group of girls and one girl tweets "I hate hanging out with trashy skanks." LIKE WHO IS SHE TALKING ABOUT?
J: I love when people actually hashtag 'subtweet'...like just making us all aware that that is what is happening and they're not just randomly saying this.
A: On that note, when they hashtag 'oomf' (one of my followers) like 'oomf owes me $100...you know who you are'. Like, that's kind of scary.
B: It's so annoying though. I don't understand it.
A: You do it.
B: No I don't.
A: 'My roommate needs to learn to keep her voice down when she's having skype sex with her boyfriend'.
J: Jesus...
A: What? No one knows who I am...this is an anonymous discussion.
B: Okay, so I did that before, but I didn't think Skype sex was even a real thing until I started living with you.
Jonah, once again, looks uncomfortable, so we move this convo along...
Twitter Type #8: The 'I Think I'm Hilarious' Tweeter
Definition: This person often tweets jokes, funny circumstances, and nothing else. We have no idea what their life is all about except that they are good at making fun of people.
Fun Trait: If you follow me, this is basically what you'll find...that I think I'm very funny, when in actuality...
Panel Weighs In
J: There's a difference though, some people really are funny.
A: Except some days they are funnier than other days.
J: Yeah, you know when they're having an off day.
B: I don't know, I don't have a problem with this tweeter, unless they really aren't funny. Then again, I suppose I'd rather hear unfunny jokes than annoying tweets about how much they hate everything.
J: I like to play by this rule: If you think you are tweeting funny shit and no one favorites or RT's you in two days time, then you need to stop.
A: Wait, do people who tweet inside jokes count under this???
Me: Sure!
A: Ugh, then yes, I hate that.
B: You do that ALL THE TIME.
J: I feel like everyone always tweets inside jokes with each other. It's only ever annoying when you're on the outside.
Isn't that life though?
Twitter Type #9: The Sports Tweeter
Definition: This tweeter only tweets if it has anything to do with sports, or is sports related. Mostly, during important games on television, sometimes non-important ones, or when major things happen (i.e. trades, drafts, or scandals)
Fun Trait: Unless you're a sportscaster, most don't care, unless you have an opinion about it.
B: Meet Ashley's boyfriend!!!
A: He tweets other things too.
B: NOT really.
J: I like the sports tweeter actually. I don't follow ESPN or anything because I just feel like they blow up my feed with useless information. I know if it's really important one of my sports tweeter friends will tweet it and then I'll be informed.
B: Ashley's boyfriend only has like 35 followers though. I doubt anything he has to say is that informative.
A: Wow...you're bitter today.
B: Maybe you should stop keeping me up with your skype fucking.
A: (gives me a look) You live tweeted the entire super bowl...like no one cares what you have to say about it (laughs)
B: That's different, that's the super bowl...and Beyonce was performing.
A: Brittany has a poster of Beyonce in her room.
B: Actually, it's Destiny's Child, and I still love them.
Don't we all?
Twitter Type #10: The Inappropriate Tweeter
Defintion: This person tweets a lot of personal information that we just don't need to know, ever.
Fun Trait: You'll always know when this person has had sex or taken a dump.
Panel Weighs In
J: These people make me uncomfortable as much in real life as they do on twitter.
A: I just really don't want to hear racist things on twitter, it's super offensive.
B: A lot of my friends always tweet mean things about, like Asians or someone and it makes me really annoyed. I've actually blocked people before. LIKE HELLO, I'M ASIAN, that's offensive.
A: Maybe you shouldn't have told people you're Asian, now they might know who you are.
B: I'm not the only Asian girl in [city]...but I am the hottest [winks]
A: My ex boyfriend twitpic'ed a picture of his friend peeing on a fire hydrant...like a beagle.
B: He was a frat guy.
A: So? It's still gross.
B: Well, I mean there are certain expectations.
J: I'm not in a frat, and I've peed on a hydrant before.
A: Ew, really?
J: No. Well, I've peed in bushes though.
A: I haven't.
B: When I go camping I do. It's exhilerating.
Twitter Type #11: The Instagramer/I Love Myself Tweeter
Definiton: This person is constantly tweeting pictures or themself, or things around them that make them who they are, apparently. Mostly they're just egomaniacs.
Fun Trait: If your twitter background is of yourself, you might be one of these people. Beware.
Panel Weighs In
A: I get wanting to tweet a picture of yourself if you got a new hair cut or something, BUT I'm really fine with not seeing a new picture of you everyday. What is this, a 365 days project that we all have to participate in unwillingly?
J: Girls Instagram EVERYTHING.
B: I don't get what's so bad about it.
J: What's so bad is that no one gives a shit. I guess no one should give a shit about tweets either, but tweeting pictures of yourself is worse.
A: I hate when girls tweet pictures of themselves with a quote that has nothing to do with what they're doing.
J: People always tweet sunsets too, like I've never seen one. Sunsets in a picture aren't the same as sunsets in real life, so I don't know what you're trying to do there..Or a picture that's caption is "driving to school" then they tweet a pic of themself smiling about life or something.
A: Or a picture of themself like "did my hair in a bun today!" um...awesome. Award of the year?
J: Instagraming/tweeting pictures of yourself is one thing, but I hate when girls tweet pictures of their food all the time. Especially lattes.
B: Notice how they always tweet pictures of cute foods like cupcakes, or cookies, or something precious, or pictures of healthy foods like salads or fish...I'm just waiting for the day some girl tweets a picture of her Cheez-Its, Diet Coke, in my case Dill Pickle Lay's, Oreo ice cream, and Chipotle, BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT NORMAL PEOPLE EAT.
Much like Britt, I am just waiting for the day someone Instagrams a picture of themselves taking a shit.
Twitter Type #12: Celebrity Tweeter
Definition: This person is one that often tweets to random celebrities, no matter how big or popular the celebrity is, they are tweeting them constantly.
Fun Trait: Once in a while, they'll get a tweet back and feel the need to RT it...what gets awkward is when you're the only person who actually knows who the person is..making the RT irrelevant.
"PLEASE TWEET BACK!!!"Panel Weighs In
J: Do people still do this?
B: Ash and I do it all the time.
J: Have you ever gotten a tweet back?
A: I did once, from Kyle from The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.
B: I did from a character from the Real World...Matt, I think?
A: I really want Sean Lowe to tweet me. That's been my goal for months.
J: Who is Sean Lowe? [all three of our mouths obviously dropped open]
J: Oh, just kidding. I think I tweeted an author once, he tweeted me back.
A: That's cool, but yeah, I probably wouldn't know that because I don't read much.
B: We read, just like, magazines though. Mostly Cosmo and People. I really want a tweet back from Taylor Swift, but I know it will never happen.
A: I'm getting pretty close to a tweet back from a Shah of Sunset.
B: Which one?
A: Any of them!
J: What's s Shah of Sunset?
[before you pass judgement on these girls, just know that they became best friends 5 years ago when they both discovered they were dating the same guy. Instead of hating one another, as most girls would, they plotted sweet revenge against him, then became the best of friends...so GIRL POWER]
Twitter Type #13: The Nonsensical Tweeter
Definition: This person only tweets things that pertain to them personally and benefit nothing to the rest of us.
Fun Trait: Average tweeters do this as well, usually while intoxicated.
Panel Weighs In:
J: These are the people who tweet stuff like "DONUTS ARE MY DEMISE" right?
Me: Sort of.
A: I have this one guy who always tweets his own song lyrics, but they're not cute or anything, they're actually kind of scary.
B: You should report him. You don't want to be the person on one of those crime shows on E!Investigates that says "I saw the warning signs, I should've said something."
A: I'm sure he's fine.
J: [looking through his phone] Here's one! [shows us the tweet: some guy tweeted "Sapphire Penis"]
B: Oh yeah, that's real weird.
A: I think people just tweet things that pop in their mind sometimes.
B: Or when they're high.
J: These are almost the guys or girls in high school that thought they were alternative. I'm surprised they're even on twitter because it's so conformist.
B: Whatever. I can't stand when people say Twitter is stupid. Those are precisely the same people who make annoying statuses on facebook. Twitter is a good outlet for people who have things to say but don't want to piss their friends off on facebook. Also, to say what you really feel so that all of your family on facebook can't see it.
A: My mom has a twitter though.
B: Yeah, but she doesn't even know what a hashtag is, I think you're fine.
A: I personally think the hashtag is dying down. Like now, it's not as ironic or funny anymore.
J: Twitter in general is not as funny or ironic as it use to be in general.
A: That's what a hipster would say.
J: I'm not a hipster.
B: You're wearing a beanie.
___________________________________________________________________
As you can see, there are many different versions of people we can portray ourselves as on Twitter. Some of us are more extreme versions of one of these 13 than others, or, as I said, a mixture of one of more depending on day and mood. But ultimately, this is the diagram of what Twitter really is. I had the pleasure of opening up this discussion to people who actually seemed to care! Imagine that.
I'd like to thank "Jonah", "Britt", and "Ashley" for helping me out tonight.
Who knows? Maybe they'll appear in another blog sometime soon!
I'd personally love Ashley and Britt's Bachelor input, so we'll see.
Have a good weekend, y'all.
Until next time,
Kaitie....OUT!
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