Before we get started, I encourage you to vote for the poll in the top right corner if you haven't already and also read my Thursday blog from last week about Twitter, it's enlightening. At least, I thought so.
But first let's get this out of the way:
My Queen.
And then this...happened.
And I tried not to cry. And yes that is Hugh Jackman and Bradley Cooper.
ALRIGHT. BACHELOR. RIGHT. Staying on track. (also shout out to loyal fans Sarah and Ally, lylas!!)
Sean arrives in the episode like a gay pirate on some ship standing at the bow as if he were Jack looking for his Rose on the Titanic. He begins speaking uselessly, as usual.
He says, "I'm crazy about all three of them."
Well that's not going to work, now is it, Sean? You're going to have to choose someone. This isn't Sister Wives. They continue to show him frolicking alone. At one point he is laying on a hammock with his arms folded behind his head, sighing happily, yet the background commentary is him saying "this is the hardest decision I've ever had to make."
I'm not sure who is in charge of the editing of this show, but they've got quite the sense of humor.
Sean gives us a play by play of each of the girls that are left and tells us why he likes each of them. But basically he is just saying the same thing over again three times in different ways.
Once again, I learn that tonight's episode will be 2 hours.
I pour myself a glass of wine.
Each of these people has a catch phrase:
Sean- "This is by far the hardest decision I've had to make thusfar."
AshLee- "Sean was made for me. He is my soulmate."
Lindsay- "Oh, my gosh."
Catherine- actually, I can't think of one. You go, Glen Coco.
He goes on his first get-away date, or whatever they're called with Lindsay. I decide to count how many times she says "oh my gosh" on their date. Every time she sees him she tells him how good he looks, which yeah, okay, he does...but girl, come on.
Let him compliment you for once.
She's so desperate and dumb, it makes me cringe. Anyone who thinks Lindsay is the right choice is poorly mistaken.
remember this?
Lindsay and Sean go shopping around some Thailand outdoor mall thing. They eat bugs, even though Lindsay didn't want to (she's willing to put anything in her mouth at least once!...for Sean!)...
Speaking of Lindsay's mouth...I don't like it.
That's all I can think to say about that.
Anyways, they eat the bugs then shop around a little bit. Sean picks out some stupid, multi-colored shorts, which just doesn't shock anyone. Then they go to the beach and fool around a little bit and I'm having Deja Vu. The most exciting part of this date is when they fed the little monkeys that I just kept hoping would attack them and make this show somewhat interesting.
But somehow Lindsay still manages to be "so amazed" by everything.
Sean gives her the "fantasy suite" card, which I still don't get. Somehow it just reminds me of prostitution. I know it's not really, but it just strikes that chord with me...therefore, I'm very weary.
So L goes with Sean into the fantasy suite which doesn't look that fantastic to me, but she and her bustier of desperation manage to contort her annoyingly weird mouth and render the words "I love you" making me feel like this is actually the first time she's said this to anyone, ever. It was so awkward, I actually had to look away. Sean reacts by pulling her in for a kiss, like she did something great.
"I love you, kiss me! NOW."
Wrap up: LINDSAY IS SO DUMB, I'M SORRY...I really did try to like her, I did. Also, she said "oh my gosh" 21 times.
Moving on.
Sean takes AshLee on their fantasy date, or whatever, next. I decide to count how many times AshLee says that Sean is her "soulmate" or something of that variation. They go swimming into a dark, creepy cave and Sean tells her to trust him. I don't know why he thinks he's earned this from her. She claims that he is "half of her whole" and I'm just feeling very weird about it.
He asks her to trust him and to relax, yet Sean himself is freaking out like a scared kitten.
Eventually, they find their way out into this really awesome private beach where he is free to fondle her as much as he pleases. (I learned tonight that Sean is definitely an ass man)
They eat and drink wine, and I've blocked this part but I can almost promise you something was said about he has filled a hole in her life of misery.
Ash is just one of those girls that talks about love as if it is some mythical, magical thing and I realize that nothing she says actually makes sense in a real world context. But then again, this is The Bachelor. I don't know.
Wrap up: I like AshLee at first, felt like she was genuine and kind, now I just sort of think she's delusional and too serious about herself. Also, she said "soulmate" (or variation of) 9 times.
Next, Sean takes Catherine out on their date. They ride a boat for a while and Catherine continues to feed Sean's rising ego by telling him repeatedly that he is "such a hunk".
Maybe I misread something in the "Laws of Dating" book but I don't ever remember the girl as constantly being the one who has to give compliments to the guy. I mean, what is this? We're not in 7th grade, we don't have awkward bodies and repulsive facial acne anymore. People don't constantly need to be reassured that they look amazing.
Especially someone like Sean.
Because trust me, he knows.
Otherwise Sean and Catherine's date actually seems real and believable unlike the others. They actually talk about real things and not just " you fill the pieces of my soul" or "oh my gosh, I want to kiss you" talk. (obviously, we can see who my pick/favorite is...just saying)
Plus, Catherine had more reservations about accepting the fantasy date card, which is kind of commendable. AshLee acted like she was worried about it, but really, you knew that bitch was going to accept him the entire time. Like, please.
Wrap up: Catherine is the happy medium between the sweet/fun Lindsay and the serious/romantic AshLee. Sean is repeating every week how he is "looking for a wife". Well, here you have it. She's your last best bet, dude.
Once the dates are over, they cut to Chris Harrison and we think he's about to say something serious and interesting but then he just dramatically introduces this random ass movie that has nothing to do with The Bachelor: "Here, we have a clip of Oz: The Great and Powerful".
Oh. Kay.
We get back from that weirdness and it's time for Sean to decide.
They take up a half hour of the show, and my life, as Sean decides who is going home. What a struggle it is. So hard, in fact, that he has to consult the pictures of the girls to make his decision. If I were these girls, I would feel very pressured at the beginning to take the perfect one of those pictures.
What emotion to convey? Fun, serious, loving, funny, charming, flirty, carefree, sexy, pensive, excited, lover of life, sultry, intelligent (no just kidding), outdoorsy?
The answer:
All of them.
That's a lot of pressure to get in one photograph.
She managed:
Sean takes his time looking at the pics of the girls and talks, once again, about how this is the hardest and biggest decision of his life...even though most of these "marriages" end in divorce anyway.
We can have hope though.
Each of the ladies recorded a video, basically telling Sean all the things that they've been telling him the whole time and also the things they've been telling us during their useless commentaries.
AshLee's video is so overly sentimental, it's almost painful to watch. She actually begins crying, which makes me think maybe she should just go get an acting job on one of those serious-adult shows our parents like to watch on Sunday nights while we watch good stuff like the Walking Dead or Once Upon a Time.
AshLee brings up how Sean has "torn down her wall". She's obsessed with her "wall" like Tierra was with"time".
Ouch, my keyboard just burned me for mentioning Tierra's name.
Oop, it did it again.
Curses.
Anyways, the rose ceremony starts and Sean gives out the first of the two to Lindsay, who looked like she forgot where she was for a minute there. His face then gets really red and he gives the second to Catherine, who graciously accepts.
Ash is just like, "oh hell no" and her "Wall" goes right back up.
She storms off like an ice queen straight to the car, not saying bye to the girls, not even saying bye to Sean. She commands him to "stay there/back" and he tells her he wants to explain himself.
When she gives him the chance to do that, he stands there like a bumbling idiot saying the same things he said to Dez last week.
Ash is like,
Unlike the emotional Dez who cried and practically begged him to let her stay, Ash is cold and emotionless--even though at any moment her boobs look like they could jump out and kill us all.
I don't blame her though. The only thing worse than coming in 2nd is coming in 3rd...your name is still remembered and you don't even get the honor of being close...you were close, but not close enough.
It does suck because if she meant everything she said about Sean saving her and healing her and all that shit, then her life is about to get real messy and effed up.
Although, maybe it's her own fault for going on a reality show to find love and completely giving herself over to a guy who has two-four other bitches in the line up right next to you.
Better luck next time, Ash.
Until next time,
Kaitie
xo
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