Just Keep Dancing: August 2013

Hey guys. I'm back.

I know it's been a while, but I'm ready to rock and roll.

Tonight I'll be discussing the VMA's, also known as 'that awards show that celebrates and gives awards to all those people you hear on KISSFM all day on loop'. DON'T FORGET, THEY WERE IN BROOKLYN THIS YEAR.
For those of you who don't know about the VMAs, you must not have twitter because those tweeters were wild savages tonight and I was proud to be one of them.
If you find the whole discussion tiring and annoying, then there is a little 'x' button in the top right corner of your screen.

The best thing about the VMAs is the fact that it seems like the music "artists" are all trying to out-weird each other. I love it because you KNOW awkward shit is about to happen and you're forced to accept it.

PRESHOW
Alright. So we started the night with the 'already a cluster' of a pre-show in which various "VJ"'s (which I did not even know existed anymore) uncomfortably interviewed seemingly unwilling famous musicians (if you can call them that). BTW, Sway is ageless because I swear that guy has been on MTV since 98 and has not changed the way he's looked AT ALL.
Then they start cutting to commercials and I can already tell the commercials of the night are going to be awful. The Trojan one, in particular, was probably played 12+ times. I've never seen two people happier to be lubricated in my entire life.
Meanwhile, back on the red carpet, rappers I do not even know are walking down it like they are Jesus Christ, they had to give out the 'best rock video' award on the pre-show because they needed more time for the bull shit during the actual show and none of those 'rockers' would come to the actual show. Also, never have I seen such blatant lip syncing in my life than I did from that character from Step Up: The Streets aka Austin Mahone.
Next, they talked to Selena Gomez and at first I was a huge fan of her dress, then I was confused by it because it looked like she was wearing a square necklace, and then I was just baffled because it looked like she was having a wardrobe malfunction.
Some other quick thoughts:
-I'd totally do Harry Styles because he's adorable and I don't care what anyone says about it.
-Who invited Willow and Jaden Smith?
-The Divergent trailer looks amazing and Shailene Woodley is adorable.
-Kellie (my younger and absolutely angelic sister/comic genius/lover of BBQ Chicken Pizza) says: "I'm hoping for a blood sacrifice during Lady Gaga's first performance."

Flawless

LADY GAGA'S A BLANK CANVAS WITH A NICE BOD/OPENING NUMBER
The first freaking we are all subjected to as normal, average humans is the sight of Lady Gaga's bug eyes and head in a hole on what can only be described as a massage table..? Anyways, what I gather from this performance is that Gaga considers herself a 'blank canvas'. As she is walking to the stage, there is a track of a crowd boo-ing, which confuses viewers at home who think something crazy is happening and the actual audience is boo-ing. Anyways, once she starts singing about how she lives for the applause and whatnot, the colors start coming out and it's time to put on a show.
To wrap it up, it was fucking weird, but not as weird as when she dressed as a greasy, Italian guy a few years ago or wore a dress made of meat. So, good job Gaga. Even though your face at the beginning of this song reminded me of something out of an SNL skit.
Oh yeah! And then she was a mermaid in a thong!

Kellie's Summation: I liked it.

MILEY CYRUS CANNOT STOP EVEN IF SHE WANTED TO
Arguably the biggest mess of the night came when MiCy took the stage and decided to try her hand at 'entertaining'. Her idea of entertaining is shaking her butt awkwardly and calling it twerking. Meanwhile, people dressed as high teddy bears dance behind her while she gyrates and slaps their butts/her own vagina. There is a big difference between proper twerkage and looking like an idiot, as an awkward/tall white girl, I definitely know this firsthand.
Guys, I wanted to like this. I really did.
But I wasn't ready.
I tried so hard to like Miley's new thing. I thought 'oh cool, she's being herself'. But this performance tonight was nothing short of a nightmare.
I simply couldn't.
As if it couldn't get any worse, or turn into any more of a trainwreck, Robin Thicke joins her and they start singing a duet of "Blurred Lines". I really was not prepared for the weirdness that was about to ensue. Miley takes off her sparkly teddy bear one piece in this nude colored, pleather matching panties and bra. It wasn't flattering and she has a nice body...so I'm just not even sure anymore.
So she grinds all over Robin Thicke and gets this foam finger, rubbing it on his dick, then on her vagina, then she bites the top.
Want to know how many times she stuck her tongue out? I'll tell you. Because I counted. 19 and a half times. My point is: it just didn't feel right while she was grinding on Robin and licking his neck. He's married, and much older than her.
MiCy reminded me of a drunk girl at the club, desperately trying to get the attention of a guy she likes, but he is not interested. Or she was like a girl who had to GYRATE FOR HER LIFE OR BE SACRIFICED.
She was a lunatic. Robin was just trying to stay alive. I'VE NEVER IN MY LIFE BEEN MORE RELIEVED TO SEE 2 CHAINZZZ COME ON THE STAGE BECAUSE IT MEANT THAT MILEY HAD TO GET OFF.
The best part about the whole thing was the crowd's reaction.
1- One Direction: looked like they were about to barf
2- Drake: trying not to look at her because she's so uncomfortable
3- Taylor Swift: [visible thoughts] "We were friends once...I think..."
4- Ellie Goulding: [trying to be nice, clapping along]
There is a big difference between being a sexually liberated womana and being a dirty little skank in super short pigtails.

Moral of the Story: We know you can't stop, but you need to.

Kellie's Summation: I'll never be the same after this. I'll never recover.

KANYE WEST THINKS HE IS GOD
Next, we got a performance by Kanye West.
It starts off making me very, very nervous. All the lights go out and the only lumination is a red light shining down on him as he angrily rap-sings. Immediately, I feel like he is about to pull a Carrie and kill everyone in the building. Not figuratively with his music, but ACTUALLY KILL THEM.
So, he doesn't kill them.
The song, or at least what I could hear of it (most was blanked out--causing me to think my cable was going out) was actually very good. Pretty passionate, even though we barely saw his face. He was only a shadow.
I suppose that has something to do with the fact that he thinks he is some sort of modern prophet, to which I say...OKAY WHATEVER, I won't take you seriously while you're still with Kim Kardashian (PS: HAVE WE FIGURED OUT IF SHE'S EATING HER OWN PLACENTA YET? THIS IS IMPORTANT)

Kellie's Summation: I like it.

"I STILL RUN THIS BITCH" -JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE/WHERE IS NSYNC?
The past few months have been endless hype for the VMAs this year between those 'NO SLEEP TILL...' commercials and the big performances. Then, this week, it 'leaked' that NSYNC was going to be making a surprise appearance during JT's performance. So, obviously, we were all at the edge of our seats.
Anyways, the performance starts off with Justin walking up the steps backstage singing 'Take Back the Night' and we're all "alright, cool."
BUT THEN...he starts singing all of these songs from his past and present and future and it's just COMPLETELY AMAZING AND MIND BLOWING.

Shits on them all.
JT is obviously a dream boat, but he's also one hell of a performer! No one can really argue that.
The only thing that pissed me off was that the sound was off and static-y, and I found that really irritating because I mean, COME ON...THIS IS JT. This was hands down the best part of the entire show, and made up for everything else to the point where I would have been 100% fine with the rest of the show just consisting of a Justin Timberlake concert as opposed to whatever other fuckfest this actually was.
BASICALLY, HE'S THE REASON WE WERE ALL HERE.
All the celebrities were on their feet, dancing, loving life. Particularly, they wanted to make sure we knew that Taylor Swift and Selena Gomez were having a good time. We kind of got it after about 8 shots towards them in which Taylor was shaking her elbows. So, IDK what that was all about, but cool.
Anyways, his performance was worth the whole damn thing.
NSYNC came out briefly to keep up with the rumors. And it was phenomenal...and not long enough. They sang maybe for 25 seconds, but it was long enough for JC Chasez to try and impress us with his vocals and me to remember how much I love Lance Bass and his beauty. He was a big crush of mine, which explains why I have terrible gaydar even now.
We kept thinking the concert was going to end, but it kept going, and I was totally fine with it.
After the awesomeness JT got an award from Jimmy Fallon, who is great and clearly in love with him. Justin thanks his band members, which is classy. Meanwhile, we thank God for Justin Timberlake. But we don't thank Kanye for Justin, because Kanye and God are not the same. Despite what Kanye tries to tell you.

Kellie's Summation: THE THIRST IS REAL.

MACKLEMORE'S ONE LOVE
I won't say anything because I don't want to turn this into a political thing. Obviously, gay rights are human rights. Obviously, gay men and women have the same exact right as any of us to love and marry and share a life together.
Mack won 'Video With a Message' and performed the song in which FREAKING JENNIFER HUDSON, THE LOVE OF MY LIFE, came on stage and performed with them!!!
I simply love her, and Lady Gaga/Will Smith seemed really happy with the win for Mack/his speech. So if they're happy, then I am too.

Kellie's Summation: N/A...she went to bed after JT

OH, HERE'S DRAKE IF YOU WANT.
The show started taking a turn for the better after Justin. Drake came on and performed and no one was super interested, ESPECIALLY Rihanna. She looked like she was about to pass the fuck out or something.
That's really nice considering they're basically in love, right? I don't keep up with the Young Money/whatever drama.
Summation:
1- Rihanna hates it.
2- The Smiths were getting jiggy with it.
3- Started from the bottom, now the whole team fuckin here
4- Drake is ugly.
5- JK, but he can murder my v*$#@
^Thanks for the material, Amanda Bynes.

*fun side not: TLC IS FREAKING AWESOME and I was so thrilled to see them there presenting Drake...also, excited about the VH1 docudrama that is being made about them which I will definitely be watching.

BRUNO MARS IS A PYRO
Bruno Mars sings a song that sounds good but is actually about sex and humping gorillas.
Also, lots of fire.

KATY PERRY'S BIGGEST HIT EVER.
Allllllll freaking night we had to hear about how amazing and great "Roar" was going to be at the end of the night. Also, the narrator of the night assured us that this was going to be Katy's "biggest hit ever" which sort of confused me because, like, it's been out a week? So calm the fuck down.
Anyways.
We cut to Katy who is singing on a stage set up like a boxing ring outside by the Brooklyn Bridge (which they probably had to close for this...so talk about annoying).
We sort of just watch Katy sing while she does a kick boxing class and are supposed to be really, really impressed. Meanwhile, I'm still waiting for the live tiger or lion to come out AS I WAS PROMISED IN THE PROMO.
Said creature never appeared.
So you're saying they had to close the Brooklyn Bridge for a five minute performance that doesn't even include a tiger/lion/liger...for a song that is a blatant rip off of Sara Barielles's lesser known"Brave"?
Seems like bull shit.
I like Katy Perry. She's cute, seems like she has a good personality, and her songs are annoyingly catchy. Plus, she provides me with one of my theme songs. "I'm KAITIE NOCK!" (to the tune of 'Wide Awake'...which is probs a rip off of some other song I don't even know)
HOWEVER, this performance was so hyped up to the point where I was expected some JT-like levels of performing. Not so much. It was just sort of...good...but not great. Not great for a finale. It probably landed somewhere between Drake's boring ass song and JT's epic one.
I thought the promo commercial for the actual show was far more exciting than her actual performance.
that's just me.

THE AWARDS WERE AWKWARD TOO...
-Right after Lady Gaga's opening number, One Direction comes on to present the best pop video. So talk about Juxta Position. Liam is wearing a flannel tied around his waist and I cannot tell if he's going for a Cobain look or if he is just trying to hide his accidental period spot (we've all been there, don't worry Liam). They give the award to the ever adorable Selena Gomez, who wins for the thirstiest song of the year 'Come and Get It'... who I still can't figure out if she is having a dress malfunction or not.
-Mackelmore beats everyone for best rap video for "Thrift Shop". If I have to hear that fucking song one more time this year, I'm going to rip my ear drums out.
-MOST AWKWARD SAUCE: Taylor Swift wins for best Female Video and basically thanks Harry Styles for breaking her heart. (ROLLS EYES) It was super petty, and I'm very disappointed in her...but more disappointed in the camera guys/producers who cut right to Harry's reaction. He handled it with dignity and class, clapping and not looking disturbed in the slightest EVEN THOUGH THAT WAS CRAZY TO SAY. She has no room to really even talk because come on...he's a horny 19 year old boy bander. What did you expect? But they managed to keep Kanye off the stage (despite him pushing through the crowd) while she was giving her acceptance speech, so I guess the producers did okay.
- Austin Mahone wins for best new artist even though his preshow performance was annoying...but he is a cutie, and looks like a kid who would bag my groceries
- Taylor Swift gives Bruno Mars the best male video award and we realize just how short Bruno Mars is
- THE ONLY AWARD THAT MATTERS (i.e. Video of the Year) is awarded to Justin Timberlake. Joseph Gordon Levitt, for some reason, presents it and looks adorable despite his weird accent! Justin acts adorable in return and dedicates the award to his Granny

FINAL WRAP UP
What I gathered from the night as a whole:
1- OKAY MILEY, FINE, YOU'RE VERY EDGY....just please, don't lick us