Betchy Bachelorette Monday: Bachelor Nick - Week 1

Hello everyone.

'Tis the season for public and artificial love, my friends.



Well, he finally did. He finally got what he has always wanted. Nick Viall is our Bachelor, America. It's almost as fitting as Donald Trump being our president. For those of you who are new to Bachelor nation and don't know the story of Nick - let me fill you in:

He was the runner-up on Andi's season. When she turned him down, he turned around and told everyone that they slept together in the fantasy suite and he thought that was #shitty.



He was also on Kaitlyn's season and was also denied by her.

Let us not also forget his stint on Bachelor in Paradise in which he had a romantic fling with nice-girl, Jen. Nick somehow made us all believe he was a good guy after 'Paradise,' which, didn't take much because they literally scrape the bottom scum of the barrel for 'Paradise.'



So. Alas.
Here we are.

Now America's favorite TV Personality Douchebag, Nick Viall is our champion. The guys on JoJo's season are all "WTF?!" but let's be real: who was it actually going to be? Chase - snore. Robby - probably a bigger douche than Nick. Luke - we already had a sexy farm boy and nobody wanted to move to his little oasis in the middle of nowhere.

Nick is the bachelor we deserve, America.



I can't lie. I'm not actually mad about it. Did I used to hate Nick? Yes. Bachelor in Paradise does make him more likable, I will say. So let's see if I'm still saying this by the end.

So let's enjoy this ride together.
For those of you not doing a fantasy league, you totally should, and invite all of your boyfriends and straight guy friends to do it as well so that they can pretend they are not TOTALLY into it and  haven't been waiting for a chance to do this for the past five years.

ALRIGHT. I'M PRESSING PLAY.

To his credit, Nick seems as freaked out to be the Bachelor as we are.

Cue scenes of Nick running around his native city of Chicago sans shirt, then cue the naked shower scene and throwback scenes of him mumbling his way into the ladies' hearts. We see some dumb scenes of him with his family, playing soccer with his sister who gives him some love advice. Why didn't this little child give him this advice four years ago and spare us all this season?



Before he makes his way to the mansion he gets some bro-hugs from Bachelor-alums Ben, Farmer Chris, and Sean Lowe - three of the more (debatable) liked bachelors of their time. They drink whiskey and talk about love - as you do.

Nick, of course, is nervous that he won't find love.
And frankly, so am I. What if we have to watch another season of a Nick appearance?

Papi Harrison greets us all. YAY I'VE MISSED YOU. He looks tired, guys. He has been doing this for forty-five years now.
The Bachelor Mansion looks as fake as ever.

Let's meet some of the ladies!



Rachel, an attorney from Dallas, TEXAS is first on the docket. She's a boss who likes dancing in a hotel living room with a fake vacuum. She is 31 (which means she is actually close to Nick's age) and is ready to #SettleDown.

Danielle L. owns three small businesses and looks like a less-Anorexic version of Jen, IMO. She looks out on a beach, hoping Nick will love her.

Vanessa is from Quebec (another Canadian, I have no words) and is a very sweet, French and Italian-speaking special education teacher. She looks out on a body of water, not an ocean like the last girl, but a small pond, also hoping Nick will love her.



Next we meet Josephine, a nursing student who somehow found a Halloween nurse costume to wear for her intro video. She likes talking to her fucking cat and playing on the boardwalk. She's the "it takes a certain kind of guy to handle my energy" girl.

Raven from Arkansas is a boutique owner who is obsessed with family, faith, football, and cute floral jumpers. She's lonely and wants love, however, there is no body of water for her to look out on, so she stands in front of the train tracks and contemplates love and her future instead.

Corinne from Miami is a business "owner" who has a nanny  that does everything for her. I don't think she means her grandmother? I think she literally has a nanny? I don't know. I'm very confused. She walks down a beach, looking sadly at the waves, thinking about loving Nick.

Alexis is from Jersey, and looks out onto a body of water - her backyard swimming pool, contemplating love. She's an "aspiring dolphin trainer" (in New Jersey) aka she has no fucking job who hopes that she and Nick can be dolphin trainers together. You read it here first folks.



Next, we meet another Danielle (M.) from Nashville who has the most calming voice ever. She's a newborn baby nurse. She looks out onto a river, contemplating love with Nick.

Taylor is a Mental Health Counselor (HAH!) from Seattle. She specializes in relationships and connections. Some may say "oh she may have a leg up!" I say : she's probably a fucking lunatic. What kind of sane, intelligent human with a background in psychology go on this show? We'll see though. I could be wrong.

Liz from Vegas has a PAST with Nick *gasps* Liz was Jade's Maid of Honor (of the Jade and Tanner chapter of this fucked show, if you follow that - they met on Bachelor in Paradise - neither here nor there) where she met Nick who was in attendance. When asked if they spent the night together she says, "it depends on you define that term...hehehehhe I plead the fifth."
Whatever, okay, so she fucked him.
Don't be ashamed, girl.
I would be more ashamed that you have to go on this show to get his attention and have him remember you.



So that's enough of the introductions.
LIMO TIME.

Limo 1 arrives. Bachelor Nick arrives first, greets Papi H, and is nervous about if this will actually work this time. "One thing I am thankful for in this world is putting myself out there, and being vulnerable," Nick says, along with some other cheesy crap that flies right over my head.

First out, who will it be?! THE NERVES.

- First we see Danielle L. who we met in the intro videos. She nervously laughs and it totally normal which is refreshing. No theatrics. Appreciated.
Anyway. Next.
- Elizabeth, a marketing manager from Texas rolls up looking like she is wearing a fucking wedding dress. Rule of thumb: don't wear white the first night. Just don't. Who do you think you are?



- Rachel, the attorney comes out next and gives some cheesy joke about football, but whatever it's fine.
- Christen in a yellow prom dress walks out doing her version of a geisha dance? I don't know. She looks like Stephanie Tanner from Full House but with darker hair, right? OK moving on
- Taylor, the mental health counselor, walks out and is like "I wanted to join this show for you! even though all of my friends were like 'no, he's an ass hole!'" ummm...Taylor. Honey. Not great. I mean, we are all thinking it, but you're awkward and that's not a good first introduction. Yikes. you think a wannabe-shrink would know this. Nick mutters, "I cannot wait to meet her friends..." which I actually chuckled at.



- Kristina, an irrelevant dental hygienist who didn't even really get an intro is next
- Angela, a model, also irrelevant
- Lauren, a law school graduate, makes a comment about his last name being "Viall" and hers being "Hussy" saying that combined their names sound like "Disgusting Slut." I'll let you all make your own jokes about this. But I definitely cringed at that one.



- Michelle, a FOOD TRUCK OWNER (sweet) is next
- Dominique, a waitress with a nose ring
- Ida Marie, a sales manager, who couldn't look less thrilled to be there honestly does a trust fall and screeches like a maniac.
*Meanwhile inside the girls are all talking about how this is literally Nick's fourth time on this show and he's not the villain everyone thinks he is.
-  Olivia from Alaska walks up in a fucking fur coat and gives Nick Eskimo-kisses, which is kind of racist..? then ditches the big ole coat
- Sarah, a Grade School Teacher, runs up in tennis shoes...like literally runs up the driveway and tells a cute and funny joke about being a "Runner-Up" and that Nick is not a "Runner-Up" in her heart. Very sweet. Very sporty spice.
- Jasmine G., a former pro-cheerleader, walks up and brings fucking Neil Lane with her with RING CHOICES...oh God. Please send her home. That is psycho.



- Hailey, a photographer, comes up and decides she will take on the "funny girl" role this season by telling a very #hilarious joke. "Do you know what a girl wearing underwear says?" Nick is confused. "I don't?" he replies. "Neither do I." agh..ok.
- Astrid walks up talking all kinds of German and tells him all these dirty-NSFW things. Nick is confused and excited. Seems accurate.

The next limo arrives.

- Liz is the first out. OH GOD DOES HE REMEMBER? DOES HE NOT REMEMBER? I AM ON THE EDGE OF THE FUCKING CHAIR. It seems like he KIND OF does. Or maybe it's just all staged? IDK. How do you sleep with sooo many women you can't remember? She's also kind of shitty for assuming he wouldn't remember. It's just shitty all around - and a weird narrative that I want to be excluded from.



*After she walks inside, Papi H comes out to investigate the tension. Typical. He asks Nick what that awkwardness was all about. Nick was like "I think I met her before at Jade and Tanner's wedding, but she didn't say anything? And Papi goes, "You have some investigating to do." oh dear God. please, can we not? I hope he sends her home tonight so we can nip this in the bud immediately.
- Corinne walks out - serious music swells. She gives him a "hug token." I mean, like, what is this bitch, Chuck-E-Cheese?



- Vanessa walks out, confident, with no little mousey girlie voice, which I appreciate. She is totally normal and he says, and I quote, "Yeah, that's a keeper" under his breath. Shit you not. Vanessa, you go girl. Do we think she'll get the FIR? Let us watch and find out.
- Danielle M. the baby nurse walks out and gives Nick homemade maple syrup and lets him lick it off her finger - super sexy and sticky.......?
- Raven comes out and does some weird Arkansas cheer that we all get to learn. She does the cheer with Nick, which is actually kind of cute.
- Jaimi, a chef with an evil face comes out of the limo and says "you have some balls....and so do I..." and, like, Nick pretends not to be totally freaked out. lol. Then she takes her nose piercing from out of her nose and shows him. OK. Like, come on, bitch. Those aren't balls. That's a nose ring. We get it, you're a total badass. Jesus Christ, let's move on.



*Meanwhile, back in the mansion, one of the women comment "Everyone seems really nice..." HAH. But things are starting to get real bitchy, if you ask me. The pinot grigio is FLOOOOWING
- Briana, another nurse, "listens" to Nick's heart...lame
- Susannah gives Nick a beard massage...which isn't a thing....and goes "There is more where that came from" and Nick pretends not to be weirded out
- Josephine, the "nurse," comes out with a book...and inside of the book is an uncooked hotdog. She asks if he wants to Lady-and-the-Tramp it. And it's just, like, a lot for me to process at this juncture. He does it, then they bite it and she says "ooh that goes down hard" and like are we all NOT supposed to make a "that's-what-she-said" joke? Please. end this.



- Brittany, another nurse (seriously...did he say he wanted a nurse?) puts a glove on and tells Nick to turn around and bend over. Nightmare. This is a nightmare. The level of cheesiness has reached an ultimate high.
- Jasmine B., a flight attendant walks up in a red dress....mind you, this is literally the 10th girl in a red dress
- Whitney, a Pilates instructor, another red dress, irrelevant
- Lacey comes up on a fucking camel.......and goes "I heard you like a good hump, and so do I" then slides off the camel hump. Alright. So. This seems like the beginning scene of an SNL skit making fun of a porno. Can you imagine if Nick picks this girl? One day they will tell their grandchildren this story: "Well, kids, your grandmother claimed to be a sex-crazed maniac and I just...knew."
- Alexis, the jobless aspiring dolphin trainer, comes out in a Left Shark costume and says she is "dolphinately" excited to be here. I'm confused on the message here.

There seems to be some dissent within the group:
Is she a dolphin?
Is she a shark?
Will the world ever know?



She claims she is a dolphin.
The outfit is very clearly a shark costume.
Maybe it's an art-think-piece? Maybe it's a social experiment?
Maybe some people in America see a dolphin costume, and some see a shark. Is this like "The Dress?"



Shark/Dolphin girl says she is "thankful" she didn't wear a red dress like everyone else there.
Yes, thank God, because then she would really look like a tool.

So we've officially met all the contestants for Bachelor Nick's heart. He walks in, ready to mingle, and the girls literally scream. They actually scream. I'm not making that up.

Liz tells us she hopes that their interaction at Jade and Tanner's wedding will give them more of a connection, and says she thinks it will. Uh... ok? She seems like a big, old fake to me. But whatever. And her smile looks kind of evil, too.



Nick gives them a pep-talk about his time in the house. LOL
He claims to be looking for a "truly empowered" woman. NICE. I hope he means that. Doubt it.

Nick and Rachel, the civil litigation lawyer hit it off. She seems like a very strong, intelligent lady. Can Nick handle her? I don't know.

Christen teaches Nick how to dance. I'm confused as to how we got here. I'm also confused as to how he has gotten this far in life without knowing basic dance steps. It's fine. I'll let it go.

He mingles with more of the ladies. What a star.
Papi H comes in and FUCKS everything by bringing in the FIR (First Impression Rose).
"You know what to do," he says.



The women begin to salivate.

"It's scary, my heart is in my ass right now," one woman claims. Ain't that the damn truth?

Corinne, who seems about 67% evil, pulls Nick aside and gives him a bag of tokens. Again with the tokens. Corinne is a huge frequent of Dave and Busters, clearly. "Are these hug tokens?" he asks. "There's all kinds of tokens," she says seductively.
I can only imagine.

Nick and Vanessa take some time to talk. She tells him how her friend submitted her for the show and she only wanted to do it if it was Nick. Nick also had a friend submit him for the show (I assume the first time he was on?) so they already have this in common. There is a lot of chemistry. Or at least there seems to be a lot of chemistry because the music got really serious. They look like THEY ARE ABOUT TO KISS when FUCKING CORINNE comes up with her TOKEN BAG.

"I want Nick right now," she tells the camera like a horned up serial killer.
"I want to do something that I wanted to do earlier," she says.
"I don't have my tokens on me!" Nick says, very stressed about it, trying to get rid of her, I'm sure.
She kisses him. AGH NOOOO. Corinne no.
This is not who should've gotten the first kiss. Gross. No.



Nick tells the camera he didn't feel comfortable and hopes no one saw. How romantic.

The other girls take ISSUE with this. Of course.
You can't kiss the bachelor on the first night and get away with it.
Liz is smiling like the Cheshire Cat and is all like "it doesn't bother me at all. I kissed him 9 months ago..so..."

"Fighting for a guys attention - I'm not used to that!" one of the Jasmine's claims.
Yes. Typical. This always happens. These women have always been the hottest chick in the room and they can't take it mentally to have actual competition.

I'm sorry. I don't feel bad for you. Crying on the first night and getting so worked up in pathetic. It's all just a hit on your ego, and when you cry, I laugh.

Good. Glad you're being taken down a notch you ego-maniacal, self-centered crazy lady! Come back down to earth and be a real person.



The dolphin-whale uses her dolphin-call to get Nick's attention...from the pool...she's in the water now. He comes over to talk. They chat about her love for dolphins. Nick, very calmly, tells her that she is in fact wearing a shark costume. She says "no, this is a dolphin costume," with much conviction.

Nick says it is "a concern" that there is a shark that thinks she is a dolphin.
Yes.
That is the concern here.

Liz is still ranting about knowing Nick (to the audience/camera) and she's convinced he does not remember her, "I'm, like, kind of relieved" she lies, "I like that he doesn't remember we had sex like, I like the mystery of it...like hmm let's see..."

Are you joking?



There is no mystery to that.
That's just trashy.
Stop trying to make this your own person rom-com, Cheshire Cat.

Liz finally gets her moment with Nick and they talk. He says, "So we've met before..."
And she is surprised, "Oh I didn't think you would remember"
And Nick KIND OF flips out. He literally calls her out. Not surprised by this. He's the king of calling people out. *Cough Cough* Andi *Cough Cough* Josh (on 'Paradise')..He's like, the best character on the Real Housewives who yells at everyone all the time on their shit.



Nick gives us his side of the story. Apparently he was at this wedding, they had a wild night, had sex, he asked for her number...HE asked for HER number...and she didn't give it to him.
Now she's on his TV show.
Hmmmm.
"I didn't want you to think I was only here because you're the Bachelor," she says, not making any sense, and also planting that seed in all of our heads that that actually IS the exact reason she is here.
He goes on saying, well it's been 9 months...you could've gotten my number between then and now?
OOOOOOH!
"You could've asked Jade for my number"
"I'm not one to be like 'oh hey, give me this person's number!'" Liz claims. Oh, what a modest little mouse you are, Liz...
No, you're just one that is like, "Hey, I think I'll go on this reality show and surprise my C-List celebrity one-night stand and make him feel like trash when in actuality I am the trash."
UGH Liz. Send her home, Nick. None of us has time for this Cheshire Cat!



Let's move on to the FIR.
Nick pulls Rachel - the lawyer - aside to give it to her.
YAY!
I am sooooo glad he didn't give it to Corinne.

Also, am kind of surprised he would give it to someone that is eons more intelligent than he is. Go Nick. Maybe he has changed?

I mean, she didn't have to perform any gimmicks. She didn't have to be cheesy, or trashy, or all over him. There were no sexual innuendos or dirty jokes. There was no flirty-dancing. She literally just sat and talked to him, as if it were a real human date, and he liked her. Nick, this perceived hyper-sexual playboy, was able to have one meaningful conversation with a classy lady, and gave her a rose.



I am chuffed!
Real chuffed!

I am so ready for this Rose Ceremony.
I always am.
Bring on the tears.

1 - Vanessa - Canadian teacher with a lovely personality and seems #AboveIt
2 - Danielle L. - soft-spoken business owner
3 - Christen - girl in the yellow prom dress
4 - Astrid - German?
5 - Corinne - ugh, token girl
6 - Elizabeth - in her wedding dress
7 - Jasmine G. - ugh...the "I'm not used to men not flocking to me" cheerleader
8 - Raven - Arkansas
9 - Kristina - who the fuck is this? Is she French?
10 - Danielle M. - nurse, maple syrup
11 - Sarah - "Runner-Up" jokester
12 - Josephine - the "nurse" who talks to her cat
13 - Lacey - "I hear you like to hump"
14 - Taylor - the mental health counselor....
15 - Alexis - dolphin "expert"/costume enthusiast
16 - Hailey - won't shut up about anything
17 - Whitney - Pilates instructor? who knows? who cares
18 - Dominique - literally pushes someone out of the way to get to the rose LOL
19 - Jaimi - "I've got balls"
20 - Brittany - WHO IS THIS PERSON? Red dress, probably a nurse?
*Papi H comes out...this is the final rose....will Liz get it!?*
21 - Liz - ooh, Nick you are petty giving this rose to her last...hehe, I love it, hope he continues to give her a hard time over the wedding incident.

Some irrelevants leave including about 6-red dresses, the Eskimo-kisses girl, the "our last names are disgusting" girl, a couple nurses, they're all fucking crying...probably partially because it's 7 am at this point.

Nick gathers the ladies for a toast.
Corinne, the Dave and Busters super-fan, has her evil plot revealed, "I don't want to be the runner-up or something cute like that...I know what I need to do, and nothing is getting in my way," as she pulls out her knife.

"It's fun having our little secret," Liz says with her stupid smile.

Alright. Well, this season is fucked.



Let's do predictions, shall we?

My season hopefuls:

Vanessa - I honest to God think she is our winner. It's too soon for me to say I'm calling it, but when Nick said, "that's a keeper" and they were so close to actually kissing. There's a lot there. I'm intrigued.
Danielle L. - the soft-spoken small business owner seems like she will fly under the radar and be a definite possibility as Nick's final rozzzzeee
Christen - She seems fun. I think Nick is trying to get away from fun, and going more towards women with a head-on their shoulders, but I think there's more to her than meets the eye. We'll see.
Rachel - the lawyer. They FOR SURE had a huge connection. She got the FIR based solely on conversation. I genuinely think he's interested in her.
Raven - if Nick goes more "the fun" route, I think Raven from Arkansas is a definite possibility
Danielle M. - Again, more soft-spoken, could potentially fly under the radar, is a nurse that makes her own maple syrup

Losers of the night:

Corinne - Already seems like a mega-bitch, and can't stand rich people who have everything handed to them (yes, having a business handed to you is still privilage) and she looks like the season monster.
Liz - She got dragged pretty hard, and her cute "romantic" plan certainly did not turn out the way she hoped
Dolphins and Sharks - You do not all look the same, and I apologize on behalf of Alexis.
Red Dresses - yikes, leave them at home, ladies
Nanny - I'm so sorry you have had to deal with Corinne.

Winners of the night:

Corinne - Hate to say it. But she did get the first kiss of the season. Even if forced.
Rachel - FIR!
Sarah - Her runner-up joke was actually not stupid

Number of times I felt uncomfortable:
47

Number of red dresses:
12

Number of times I had to search for the differences between Sharks and Dolphins:
0 - because I'm not a total idiot



Until next time,

Kaitie
xo