Sorry the week long delay of getting this written out. My life is just so thrilling and exciting I just haven't had the time. No. I'm totally kidding. Obviously.
Anyways. Let's begin.
Can't wait to hear these emotionally unstable gals talk about how they're falling in love with a man they've known for a week.
We start off with Amanda and Lauren B. talking mad smack about O-LIVIA.
Papi brings in the first date card. Lauren B. (yay!) gets the first one-on-one date card of the episode. Olivia grips her arm, clearly "very happy" for her.
Ben 2.0 rides up in his Mustang that he apparently owns for the remainder of the season. AND HE IS LOOKING GOOD IN A NICE POWDER BLUE HENLEY. I SEE YOU, MY ANGEL.
Despite Lauren B. being a full-time flight attendant, she is SOOOO SCARED to ride in one of those little two person planes. "Oh, my God, Ben, take my hand!!" They enjoy the beautiful sights of the coast and somehow all of Lauren's nerves instantly went away in the sky with Ben. They fly over Bachelor Mansion and tell all the other girls to suck it.
So they finally land in the middle of some wasteland and Lauren talks about how scared she is of getting hurt, but that she genuinely trusts Ben. He leads her to a hot tub in the literal middle of nowhere? Dinner and drinks would've been fine...but OK, I'll put my bikini on. No big deal.
Casual.
They talk for a few minutes then make out. Very comfortable making out in a hot tub in the middle of nowhere with a bunch of cameras around.
Meanwhile, back at Bachelor Mansion the girls are FREAKING OUT. I mean, it is WEEK 3 and there have already been so many emotional breakdowns. Caila is unhappy in particular. She begins crying frantically at the thought of Ben being with other girls to JoJo. Girl, chill. You're going to live through this, I promise.
Lauren and Ben have a nice convo during their cocktail hour/dinner (although I've never actually seen these people eat?!) Lauren fawns over her dad and talks about how she loves the "simple things." Sure ya do.
Meanwhile, we cut back to the mansion AGAIN and the girls receive the group date card: Amanda, Haley, Jennifer, Shushanna, Leah, Amber, Lauren H, Olivia, Jami, Rachel, Lace, and Emily get the group date. This leaves JoJo, Caila, Becca, and Jubilee for a chance to get the one on one. Jubilee is VERY UP IN ARMS ABOUT IT.
Lauren and Ben are still talking about their families, which is nice. I mean, what else can people in forced social situations really talk about..? Ben opens up to Lauren about his dad's scary open heart surgery. Lauren tells Ben she wants to meet his family. He pretends this doesn't freak him out and gives her the date rose.
Then we get to witness the second awkward private concert of the season.
Oh, God.
kill me
So then the real fun starts: the group date. Ben can't wait to see what kind of "attitudes they bring to the table" LOL
He invites them on this group date which takes place at the LA Coliseum in which they will all be forced into participating in a soccer match. Leah says she is very excited because she "loves football...loves sports" YEAH, WE GET IT. YOU'RE SUCH A GUY'S GIRL.
Ben brings out Kelley O'Hara and Alex Morgan from the US Women's Soccer Team. MAH GIRLS.
I wonder if they have any opinions on this fuckery.
Alex Morgan pulls Ben aside and is like, "I'm surprised at how little foot skills they have" LOL. can Alex Morgan and Ben Higgins date? I think that would be better.
Meanwhile, back at Bachelor Mansion, another girl starts crying to JoJo...this time it's Jubilee. She is afraid she is not standing out, and that Ben is more attracted to the girls who are "always happy" and the "nice girls" I've got NEW FOR YA: they're being FAAAAKE. No one is always happy. That would be fucking weird.
In these situations, which most girls won't find themselves in, you HAVE to be fake. It's reality TV for the love of God. There is a difference between Television Reality and Actual Reality.
So put on your fake smile, and get that rose, because Ben is not going to know the "real you" until the cameras are turned off and you already have a ring on your finger...
Back to the group date, Papi Harrison walks out and throws mad shade saying how he's seeing some skills out here...and then some not so great skills. He informs everyone that they will be broken up into teams : WHAT A SHOCK.
And that the winning team gets to go to the after party with Ben. ooooh damn.
I swear there was this EXACT same date in Juan Pablo's season. But whatever. I'll have to look back into the archive of this stupid fucking blog.
The teams are divided into the "Stars" team and the "Stripes" team. And for some reason Coach Alex Morgan thought it would be a good idea to put Lace in as Goalie..basically handing the first goal to the other team. The game is INTENSE, and little Twin #2, Emily is blocking goals left and right thus impressing Ben. Everyone is VERY stressed. Especially Olivia. Ben is amped up.
Then Rachel falls down, injuring herself. She gets back up and wants to continue playing. Olivia says she is going to "take advantage of this weakness" like a TRUE PSYCHO. Like the Soviets in Rocky.
I said it: Olivia is a communist.
And not the fun, socialist type that always has something to say at parties.
SHE IS THE DEVIL.
Which is why it sucks when her team takes the win. DAMN IT. The Stars team goes home, saddened.
So we move on to the group hang out on your a-typical rooftop bar.
Ben says he is looking forward to talking to all the girls, then is about to pull someone aside, I feel like it was either Leah or one of the Twins...but then Olivia is like, "Can I grab you real quick?"
Everyone vomits, Exorcist style.
I seriously hate her. She's so annoying to look at and listen to. HOWEVER. As much as I despise Olivia I think it was pretty shitty that the other girls started talking about her supposed "fake teeth" (LOL though), her non-cute toes, and bad breath...? (I'm not making that up) Jami goes right to Olivia and tells her what the other girls were saying about how she has nasty man toes. Olivia is perplexed, but lets it slide off of her shoulder like a girl who is used to being hated on.
If the only reason Bachelor Ben 2.0 shouldn't marry Olivia let it not be for her nasty toes, but for her disgusting personality.
Meanwhile, back a the mansion, Jubilee is thrilled to find out that she got the second one on one date card after all of her bitching and moaning earlier.
Amber is desperately thirsty for some Ben 2.0 time...and finally gets some time. Instead of using the time to get to know him, she just starts making out with him. Ben gives the date rose to her though, claiming that he is so glad he got more time to get to know her. When? Did they talk off camera, perhaps?
That's what I'm figuring.
Olivia is convinced in her mind that Ben is completely on the same page as her.
okay.
Jubilee prepares for her one on one date. The girls ask her how she's feeling and she says "I still can't believe he chose me!" and Shushanna, my favorite Russian, is like "I can see you just being so excited on the date!" and Jubilee gives her this, like, death stare. It's kind of comical. I don't know why my girl Shush had to say anything, but I also don't think it was offensive at all, so Jubilee needs to chiiiillllll.
Ben rolls, sits with the gals, who all laugh and are excited to see him. Everyone is excited except for Jubilee..even though it's her date. He goes "are you excited?" to her, to which she responds, "Eh, yeah not really...you're 20 minutes late...but whose counting?"
OOOOHHH. Putting Ben 2.0 on blast.
We hear a plane above and Ben is like "I think our ride is here!"
Another plane date?
I'm sorry. I mean a helicopter. BIG DIFF.
Jubilee says she is afraid of heights, and asks if anyone else would like to go on her date.
The other girls are ENTHRALLED by this statement. Ben is sweating.
They have a somewhat decent time in the heli then land at some spa. NICE.
They spend some time eating--FINALLY! I've been waiting for someone to put food in their mouth on this show for 15 years!!!
Jubilee does not love the caviar. Don't blame her. She tells Ben that she would prefer hot dogs--which is actually more genuine sounding than Lauren B saying earlier that she enjoys the simple things like watching her father do yard work.
After the caviar, they play some shuffle board then go into a hot tub. Ben loves hot tubs! I will invest in a hot tub if that means Ben will love me.
Jubilee tells Ben she is surprised that he is into black girls and he is very thrilled to tell her that he is then he starts blushing. She tells him that he doesn't laugh for real a lot, but laughs more uncomfortably usually. LOL. I feel sooo awkward. J tells Ben that he needs to chill out, which is a very confident thing to say...because no other girl has the balls to do that.
Unpopular opinion: I like Jubilee and Ben!
We'll see if I feel this way as the episode continues.
They go to their dinner hour with some drinks and Ben tells J that he really appreciates her realness and honesty, because he doesn't get that much from the other girls--which I agree with. Maybe J is a little rough around the edges and snooty but at least she's more honest with Ben. He asks her about her past and she opens up to him about losing her ENTIRE FAMILY.
holy shit!
Ben is shocked, but handles it well, by telling her that she is a strong woman and he appreciates that. EVERYTHING YOU'VE EVER BEEN THROUGH HAS LED TO THIS J: you being on the Bachelor?
No, you finding love. That's right, okay. Back on track.
He gives her the rose.
Because obviously.
The other girls are "very shocked" to see Jubilee is back, meaning she got the rose, and gets to stay another week. They talk mad shit about her--saying that they can't see Ben wanting to marry someone who can't get along with anyone else. (what?) Lauren H is like "Ben wants to marry someone who will drive the kids to soccer, and plan parties with the other moms"
WHAT?
First off, what makes you think you know Ben, bitch? Secondly, that's the shallowest shit I've ever heard. And third, why CAN'T Jubilee do those things? Because she isn't fake to this group of girls who all hate each other but won't admit it?
Fuck off.
COCKTAIL PARTY TIME!
Ben 2.0 walks in and drops some sad news that two close family friends passed away that morning.
:( poor Ben.
The girls all compete to see who can have the most genuine-looking reaction.
Ben just finishes speaking, and is not even able to get a word in when Olivia swoops in, of course, "can I steal you?"
We think she's going to try to one-up everyone by consoling Ben during this hard time, but instead she starts off, "I am not proud of my body from the waist down...I hate my legs. People have written blogs about my cankles."
Then she starts, like, tearing up? She sniffs back tears and says "I'm sorry...I'm just, trying to be strong all the time."
Then she says, "It's the scariest thing ever."
WHAT THE HELL, OLIVIA?
Like well know you're an evil queen...but that's so much.
Ben is not pleased.
Amanda steps in and comforts him, which is nice. Jubilee comforts him, too, by giving him a massage...thus pissing EVERY girl off.
Half of this show is made up of the dialogue: "I just want more time. She already had her time."
I swear.
Jami goes and interrupts the awkward rub down. Amber wants to take it upon herself to be the "voice of the people" and confront Jubilee. She goes outside to bring J inside to get attacked by the firing squad of bitches. Jubilee, instead, runs upstairs and locks herself in the bathroom. JoJo, who everyone has been crying to as of late, goes to check on her. J tells JoJo to leave her the "fuck alone!" and JoJo is all wide-eyed innocence "me? wait me? but I'm JoJo..."
Good stuff.
Casually, Ben is walking around the upstairs of Bachelor Mansion.
How convenient.
He goes to console her. Amber wants to make her intentions clear so she goes up their too and I'm dying. Amber brings up the comments Jubilee made about "does anyone else want this date?" from their date the day before. J starts crying. Everything is uncomfortable because BEN IS RIGHT THERE.
He wants to be very "considerate of everyone's emotions" and just "wants this to work."
It's not up to you, Ben. In some cases: yes, it is the Bachelor's fault...in this case the women are just absolutely insane.
Just when Ben thinks he's got a break, Lace pulls him aside for her time. UGH GOD SHOOT ME. She is visibly worked up, and Ben is drowning in the drama of multiple women.
Lace decides to play the "this isn't me" card and cries a lot, saying that she thinks going home might be better for her, because LIKE HER TATTOO SAYS "You Can't Truly Love Someone Else Until You Love Yourself"
dumb.
Awe, poor baby. Not even an hour ago she was talking shit about some other girl's feet. Glad she feels the need to change. We'll see.
Nothing like putting yourself through grueling and testing self esteem hindering situations on national television to make a person really think about life, ya know?
So she leaves. Ben is like "okay, peace out..probably was going to send you home tonight anyway."
Rose Ceremony Time..Thank God:
1- Lauren H. - damn it, I don't like her, judgey, sounded a little racist earlier in the episode..
2- Amanda - YAY!
3- Becca - forgot you were here, girl!
4- Haley - Twin
5- Emily - Other Twin
*surprised they're BOTH still here*
6- Rachel - you're only here because you injured your foot and stood out
7- Caila - Ohio
8- JoJo
9- Jennifer
10- Leah
*omg Olivia still doesn't have a rose for the first time in three weeks, man can that girl SWEAT*
**My father walks in at this point: "what's wrong with these girls? do they really care that much..? they're not that great looking...I wouldn't be giving them roses" shots fired by Ron!**
11- Olivia - NOOooooOOOOoooooO, I thought we might've had her, you guys...damn, another week with this bitch
**Dad: Why are their faces all red and sweaty? Is it real hot there or something?**
Sending Shushanna, my favorite Russian and Jami home.
Jami is really bitter about it, and says to "never trust humans"
Slow down, bitch. Take a pill.
Everyone needs to chill.
Losers of the night:
Lace - once again, you're a loser
Olivia - your crazy has really shown, you got the last rose, and your toes were shamed
Team Stars - sucks to suck
Amber - you came off pretty nasty tonight, not gonna lie, and somehow got a rose for no reason
Jojo - sorry you had to listen to all those bitches crying
Winners of the night:
The Twins - for both still being there even though they literally do nothing of interest
Lauren B - is clearly a front runner
Jubilee - I know a lot of people don't like her, but Ben does, and I have to appreciate that she's not super fake like everyone else
Amanda - she's just great, I love her!
Hot Tub Count:
3
Number of times I felt uncomfortable:
1,000
Number of times Olivia thought she and Ben had secret moments:
6
Until next time,
Kaitie
xo
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