Sorry for the delay. It's been a busy week.
I've got a lot of feelings about this week's episodes. Read ahead to learn more.
We start with all the gals together at the mansion, cheers-ing to Ben, and pretending to like one another. Meanwhile, we get a nice shot of Ben putting pants on over his little briefs in his hotel room. Could we just do two hours of this? That would be fine with me.
We get the ball rolling with the First Date card--a group date: Jackie, LB, Lauren H, Becca, Amber, Mandi, JoJo, Jubilee, Jennifer, and Lace pretend to be thrilled that they get to all hang out with Ben at the same time in a date-like format. Although, we all know these dates are fucked up on so many levels. Lace lets us all know that she excited to redeem herself. Yeah, Lace, really can't wait to see your Road to Redemption. I'm sure we're all going to immediately love you now.
Bachelor Ben 2.0 leads us to believe that he came up with this date. We're in "Bachelor High" where Ben wants to re-live his high school days, which he tells us were his best days. Yeah, we know, Ben, because those days weren't THAT long ago.
Papi Harrison takes the mic as "Professor Harrison" where he finally gets to live out some aspect of a dream of an acting career that was lost long ago when he signed his contract in blood with ABC Television.
The girls learn they will be put in teams of two, then will be participating in various "classes", in which at the end of each class one team will be eliminated. Ultimately, the winner will be Ben 2.0's "Homecoming Queen."
Sounds like fun.
Who the fuck comes up with these dates?
We start with a "science experiment" in which the first team to make Ben's volcano EXPLODE will go on. (side eye)
I'm not purposefully trying to make that an innuendo...that's literally what they said. Lace and Jubilee aren't doing well because Lace is having a hard time reading. She lets us know that she never really "did well" in school. Huh!
Imagine that.
Jubilee and Lace are cut from the first round. Jubilee is trying to stay positive, but inside wants to bury Lace's body somewhere deep where no one will find her.
Next is "lunch" where the girls must bob for the correct red apple and take it to their lunch tray successfully. Again, okay.
Then we move on to Geography. The women must find the state of Indiana (Ben's home state) and place it (correctly) on a map of the United States. I pour myself a cup of tea, ready to tear them apart.
Unsurprisingly, every single team got it wrong. I honestly don't think Indiana is that hard to find..? Is this just because I'm from Ohio? Maybe. The losing team--Becca and JoJo, were way off and put his state in Pennsylvania's spot.
That's gotta hurt.
Next, we have gym class. All they have to do is make a free throw. And oddly enough, this is like real school in which your gym grade is based upon your athletic ability. Ah, the horrific memories. (come on Kaitie, just one pull up..)
The final humiliation: the last two girls, our favorite Whack Job Dentist Mandi, and "I'm Baaack" Amber, must jump hurdles on a track in order to get one on one time with Ben. I'm sorry, I mean the title of Homecoming Queen.
Excellent.
Unfortunately, Mandi wins. Ben pretends to be excited about that.
The other girls are emotional wrecks, full of rage and jealousy.
Finally, this high school obstacle course is over, and we move on to the cocktail hour Starring Lace's Teeth. "I'm Baaack" Becca takes Ben 2.0 first and they have some sweet moments on some random basketball court on this rooftop club? Okay! Convenient.
Under the radar Jennifer gets some one on one time with Ben. He thanks her for their great conversation the other night at the first cocktail party. THEN THEN THEN...
FIRST KISS OF THE SEASON AWARD!
Nice work, Jennifer!
And then she returns to the gals, and they, of course, ask her if they kissed. To which she RESPONDS! Ugh, god. Way to put a target on your back.
Meanwhile, back at Bachelor Mansion: a date card arrives! Olivia is so excited that she screams with joy. AND PS DID ANYONE SEE HER MOUTH?? IT IS FUCKING HUGE. And terrifying!!!
Caila (from Ohio!) gets the one on one date card, and oh dear lord doesn't she look like Catherine from Sean's season!? In, like, a big way.
Now back to this group date. Lace is concerned that he is not noticing her, so she goes to take him away from Mandi (who is still wearing her Homecoming crown...) She wants him to see the "Good Girl" version of Lace. "He saw a side of me I didn't want him to see the other night..." Lace literally says.
LOL
Yeah, like your REAL side?
"Well, uh, I'm very happy you're here," he says. "I love it. I'm here for you!" she says, before gripping him with, what she thinks is, a bewitching eye stare.
And then, bam! Jubilee comes in right before Lace is about to go for the kiss.
American women everywhere jump off of their couches with delight.
Jubilee and Ben have a nice moment, then she moves in for the kiss. And how can he say no after she just opened up to him about her past?
Lace is PISSED AND SHE WANTS MORE TIME! (even though half of the other girls haven't talked to him) So then she gets into it with Jubilee, then she goes and steals time with him AGAIN. The other girls have HAD ENOUGH. JoJo gets sassy, but then gets the final laugh when Ben comes and takes her away individually for a nice romantic rooftop escapade. WHERE THEY ALSO KISS.
SUCK IT, LACE.
After one date, JoJo, says she has never felt this happy before in her life.
LOL
Okay, chill out, bitch.
Ben takes the time, at the end, to tell every girl how much he appreciates them. Then he gives the Date Rose to JoJo...and the others are, of course, angry. Especially Lace. She says "I know he appreciated me and our conversation, and we had such a good conversation..." (did you though? or was your aggressive questioning and eye rape a bit too much?) "...so I'm really upset I didn't get the rose..." AND NOW I MUST KILL.
Finally, this date is over.
Ben 2.0 comes into Bachelor Mansion to retrieve Caila. Papi Harrison informs them all that he's "called in a few friends" then fucking Kevin Hart and Ice Cube walk in.
LOL
(Shameless Plug:**Go see Ride Along 2, in theaters everywhere, Friday!**)
Kevin and Ice take Ben aside and tell him that they've got a fun day in store. Kevin Hart is playing Kevin Hart.
The interviewer asks them what is the most romantic thing they've ever done for a woman. Ice Cube replies, "Um, I married one."
Good stuff. Gooood.
Ben tries to get to know Caila with two movie stars in the back seat. And it seems to be going well!?
They end the portion of the cheap date in the hot tub store. Kevin Hart wants them to test out a hot tub, so there's this whole gag with the three of them in the hot tub, Kevin farts, they laugh, he stands up with no swim trunks on, butt naked. Ice Cube tells Kevin it is definitely time to go and give these two lovebirds some alone time.
Oh, how I chuckle!
Meanwhile, another date card arrives at Bachelor Mansion. Olivia's mouth is once again open and scaring me. Amanda, the single mom of two, talks about how much she misses her kids, and hopes this is all worth it, reminding us that she is a mother. Emily, Shoshanna, Sam, Olivia, Haley, and Amanda get the invite.
Back to the date!
Ben 2.0 sits down with Caila and asks her the rough questions about love and they really get INTO IT. Well, as INTO IT as you can get whilst being filmed for a date.
I'm not going to lie to you all, I really think they match well.
He obviously gives her the rose.
Afterwards, they walk around and go into this theater (CUE AWKWARD MUSICAL PERFORMANCE/DANCE NUMBER)
Neither of them can stop smiling and it's almost TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE, you know?
Thus, we begin the group date. Olivia is excited...her mouth is of course, open.
They walk into this place called the "love lab" which is alarming. There are robots, and people in lab coats who supposedly can tell if people are matches or not?
Who knows.
But I'm not surprised this is a Bachelor date.
First, the girls must look at various pictures. I'm not sure what that does, but fine. Next, they must run on treadmills, then Ben puts a blindfold on and smells their sweaty bodies. Again, very casual.
Also, can we talk about how the descriptors under Haley and Emily's names are "Twin" like that is their only profession.
So Ben's sniffing their bodies with his blindfold on and to everyone he is like "ooh flowery...beachy...etc." but when he gets to Sam he's like "hmm...a little sour"
DAMN SHOTS FIRED.
Olivia chuckles to the side, "I guess he didn't like the way you smell. Bummer."
She is "very confident in their relationship"
WHAT RELATIONSHIP?
He gave you the FIR...that's it...calm down.
They go into this heat radiating room or something? They have to sit on a bed together and like pretend like they're about to fuck..? But not? I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T GET THIS.
Someone went to school for this?
This might be the most uncomfortable date I have actually ever seen.
The doctor reveals the highest and lowest score--annoyingly enough, Olivia gets the highest compatibility score, and Sam gets the lowest (must've been the sour smell)
They move on to the cocktail hour portion of the evening. Ben takes Olivia away first (TO HIS ROOM?!) and I vomit. I'm sorry if you like her, but she is SO ANNOYING!
Ben apologizes to Sam for calling her smell "sour" so he re-smells her and redeems himself by saying "passionfruit" AKA "SOUR AF"
Amanda is very concerned about talking to Ben and making sure that he knows she has two daughters. I'm not going to lie to you all. Although, she has a high pitched voice, I like her!
Ben is so cute, too. I can see them matching so well together, as well.
He assures her that kids don't scare him and that he can't wait to start a family...and THEN THEY KISS.
Then he gives the FUCKING ROSE to FUCKING OLIVIA.
I HATE EVERYTHINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGG.
Come on, Ben!
"I don't know what Rose Ceremonies are really. Olivia Higgins...it's mine...come on, let's just end the show now!" she says in her interview.
I wish Ben could see that.
And then Amanda feels upset.
I HATE YOU OLIVIA AND YOUR, BIG, STUPID MOUTH.
Ben assures the girls that didn't get any date time that he hasn't forgotten about them. Olivia doesn't care. Despite having a rose, she wants to have more time. She tells us that "having a rose is never a guarantee of a having a connection" even though on her date she was talking all kinds of smack saying they should end the show now and shit.
Then she sits back with the girls and is like "Well, I had my time. So now you girls can have at it."
And everyone is just like
"Gee, thanks, C U Next Tuesday."
Lace is freaking out, of course, and pulls Olivia aside. Olivia is like "just because I have this rose means nothing!" as she clutches the rose to her chest all night. She then goes to Ben and tells him that she used to be an ugly freak. ALL SHE WANTS IT TIME. AND ANOTHER GLASS OF PINOT.
Like, is this girl always drunk?
I can't even understand what she's saying.
Ben gives Lauren B., the first girl out of the limo last week, who also did not get a date this episode, a picture of them meeting. WHICH IS CUTE AF. Ben really, really likes her. I've never seen anything like that in my life as a Bachelor "fan" (using the term "fan" loosely)
Then OMG THEN....he pulls Amanda aside and has these like, little hair clip things, he wants to make with her for Amanda's daughters. WHAT THE FUCK BEN?????????????????? I LOVE YOU SO MUCH PLEASE MARRY ME.
So sweet.
So so sweet.
I'm crying.
Maybe I am a fan of this show...?
No.
Let's get started with my favorite part: The Rose Ceremony. And let's get this blog finished.
1- Amanda - The mom. GOOD. You better.
2- Jubilee - The veteran. OK GOOD.
3- Lauren B. - YUP, MAKES SENSE.
4- Lea - "I'm such a guy's girl, let me hike up my dress and throw you this football"
5- Becca - "I'm BAAACK, BITCHES"
6- Rachel - I don't even know who this is?
7- Lace - OH GOD WHY....
8- LB - *LB has been talking about how much pressure this is, and how it's lowering her self esteem, etc in the background interview of this entire ceremony...suddenly, she's having some sort of moral qualm with the show*
She pulls Ben aside and tells him she is going to go home, this just ISN'T her scene.
Ben is fine with it since they barely talked anyway. He tells the girls that he wants to make sure this is a "two way street" and he understands it's "not for everyone" then says "BUT now I can one of you REJECTS a rose when I wasn't going to!"
so anyways.
8- Jennifer - THE FIRST KISS
9- Emily - Twin.
10- Jaimi- ? no idea
11- Lauren H. - teacher, I think?
12- Shushanna - Russian who loves vodka (same)
13- Haley - Twin.
DRAMATIC MUSIC...FINAL ROSE..
14- Amber - "She's BACK TOO!"
Thus sending home Sam the Lawyer (don't worry, you'll do better things..), Jackie?, and Mandi (THANK GOD)
So I guess Ben believes in the science of love and the power of a sour scent.
Losers of the night:
Sam - a season hopeful's time was cut short because she smelled
Lace - you sound like a psychopath
Mandi - goes to show being the Homecoming Queen doesn't always mean a promising future
Winners of the night:
Amanda- shines as a new front runner
Jennifer - nabs the first kiss of the season
Caila - first one on one date, I mean come on, she's obviously a winner.
Kevin Hart and Ice Cube - more people will have seen you on this episode of the Bachelor than they will in Ride Along 2, so enjoy that.
Brow games that were strong:
maybe 6
Number of times I felt uncomfortable:
maybe 600
Number of times Olivia's mouth was open:
30
Until next week,
Kaitie
xo
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