Hi everyone.
Sorry I've been gone so long. I just didn't watch The Bachelorette...based upon some principles I guess I have? IDK, if you want to get into it, message me.
I hope everyone is having a nice 2016 and haven't fucked it up for themselves yet (day 4)
Tonight I'm not drinking wine but favoring the HOT COCOA. Don't worry everyone, it's still super lit here.
Let's begin.
I'm already a fan of Bachelor Ben Biggins because I've always honestly seen myself with a 'Ben' personally. Ben is a great name. NOT to be confused with Bachelor Ben the First (yikes).
We'll call the new and improved Bachelor Ben, Bachelor Ben 2.0.
Ben 2.0 is from Warsaw, Indiana..small town guy..never seen that one before! He loves basketball like the Hoosier he is. He also works in software development (SNORE) He looks like every guy in high school that I had a crush on and really thought we had a connection but he actually thought my name was "Melissa" or something.
Bachelor Ben 2.0 says he has "come close" to finding a person he wants to spend the rest of his life with but they REJECTED HIM?! What an IDIOT! LUCKY FOR US, AMERICA.
Ben tells us he is super nervous to start dating 25 women as he casually leans against a tree on his land. Pro Tip, Bachelor Ben 2.0:
Every bachelor that has said that has been absolutely fine with dating 25 women, I promise.
Three of America's favorite Bachelors come in to give Ben 2.0 some advice..led by the marvelous Juan Pablo. JUST JOKING.
Good to see Sean Lowe, Farmer Chris, and that other "nice guy" bachelor.
They tell Ben to give everyone a "good experience" and to "not kiss a girl in front of all the others"
YEAH GOOD TIP.
Ben is cute and nervous and "knows there is someone out there for him"
which is so nice...but like, where is the shirtless shower scene..?
We are 20 minutes in and there is no shower scene. Not trying to sound pervey or anything, but come on.
We get to start meeting some of the women.
First we meet Lauren, playing with a beach ball alone on some beach in California. She's "so single and so sad."
Second, we meet Caila from Hudson, OH HOLLLLLA! SHE'S SO CUTE AND FROM OHIO, I HAVE A FAVORITE. She tell us she basically broke up with her boyfriend to come on this show, so that's nice.
Next we meet Jubilee, the military gal, who is both beautiful and strong. She's ready to settle down and she's ready for love.
Then we meet Mandi, who lets us know that she embraces the "weird", she says "who wants to be like everyone else?" and then tells us that she is a dentist.
Um, okay. That's a super thrilling job. Cool.
"Ben seems like he flosses but I'm going to have to do an oral exam"
OK, YOU SICK FREAK.
Next we meet Emily and Haley, the "twins" who will easily become everyone's least favorite characters on this show this season. They're just like roller blading and riding a two-person bicycle.
Amanda from The OC who sounds like a mouse. She has two very young little girls and she is 25. Like, she's been through a marriage, college, two children, and a divorce. WHAT HAVE I BEEN DOING WITH MY LIFE? I wanted to be on my first divorce by now.
Next we meet Tiara whose job description is "Chicken Enthusiast" which means "Unemployed"
If I were on this show would mine be "Sloth Enthusiast."
She casually admires her framed photographs of chickens, a framed photo of Ben sits amongst the chicken photos, as well..don't worry.
Between the kooky dentist, the annoying twins, and this chicken lady, I'm super scared of these freaks right now.
Then we meet Sam, an attorney from Florida. She shares her emotional story about her father--then directly after is like "but I can't wait to be the future Mrs. Higgins!", but otherwise seems like a very smart, down to earth gal.
IT'S ALMOST LIMO TIME, MY FRIENDS.
PAPI CHRIS HARRISON IS LOOKING FIIIINE.
Seriously, does this man ever AGE? HE COULD GET IT.
Bachelor Ben 2.0 lets us know that although he is only 26, he is READY FOR LOVE. Which actually seems to be the age any decent guy I know decides they want to settle down (just not with me) ((it's fine)) (((not bitter)))
The First Girl out is Lauren, the flight attendant girl who was playing with a ball on the beach earlier. She's charming and cute, and Ben is very excited.
Second girl out is Caila from Ohio who decides it's a good idea to LEAP into his arms. I mean, he could've fallen over, there has to be some sort of liability here?! Where's that attorney at?
Jennifer, a small business owner who forgets to give her name...VERY CHARMING.
Next out is Jami, who is from Canada and knows Justin Bieber and Caitlyn. She tells him that Caitlyn told her that he has a really, really, really big.....heart.
Sam, the attorney, says that this is the best week of her life because she gets to meet him and also JUST PASSED THE BAR! Woo! you go girl. At least you have a future after this. And you'll probably make more money than he ever will..
Jubilee, the War Vet, comes out of the first limo and is very pretty and charming and attempts a lame pick up line and they both chuckle.
Amanda, the single mom from The OC, comes out next and I have a feeling she'll go far.
This bitch named Lace comes out and gives Ben a kiss, saying she wanted the "first kiss." Ben blushes. She can't go by Lacey? Please help me.
Lauren R. is a math teacher (yuck) who admits that she's been stalking Ben. She then tells him to come find her later because she has a "special surprise" for him. Okay, put away your Kylie Jenner lip kit, Lauren R. and calm down. Also, she forgets to tell him her name...not once, but twice...even after he asks. AWKWARD TIMES.
Shushanna comes out not speaking English and I am unsure of her ethnicity but Ben seems very excited to talk later...and I'm sure he is hoping in his language.
The second limo pulls up.
Thank God, because this is starting to get too awkward for me and I'm ready for fresh material.
First girl out is Leah, an event planner, who wants to play a round of touch football, bending her ass over right in front of him. He's thrilled, I'm sure.
Some bitch comes out wearing a unicorn mask which is both scary and bizarre. Her name is Joelle, but apparently goes by "JoJo." He seems supportive of the unicorn fetish!
Next, is Lauren H. a kindergarten teacher...does your name have to be Lauren to be a teacher? She tells him
Laura, "but-my-friends-call-me-red-velvet", a ginger, comes out and we think she's fine and nice, then she says the 'red velvet' thing and really scares me.
Mandi, the weird ass dentist puts some floral monstrosity on the top of her head and continues to instill fear in our hearts. Ben is trying to be cool, but she continues the charade, saying she "picked this out of her garden" and "she's the first impression rose" and "maybe you can pollinate me later"
Honest to god am mad she stole my pollination pick up line.
Damn you, Mandi!
As if things weren't FREAKY enough the fucking TWINS come out to make it weird again.
"Uh...group hug...?" Ben asks.
How cute is he?
They literally are the same. Like they could trade dresses and he would never ever really know?
They tell him that they can't wait to date him?
Like, does he just have two halves of one rose for them or something. I guess this isn't any weirder than trying to have two bachelorettes last season AMIRIGHT?
"But-My-Friends-Call-Me-Red-Velvet" was really nervous about seeing twins. Don't blame her.
Maegan, an actual, real life cowgirl, approaches with a miniature horse that she found on the streets of Los Angeles. She then proceeds to bring the fucking horse into the house. I'm sure that's animal abuse! Why subject this poor animal to all of these bitchy women?? I hope he shits on one of their dresses.
Breanne comes up with a picnic basket of bread which she then destroys because she 'HATES GLUTEN' and is some nutritionist. OK, as someone who is a huge fan of gluten, HOW DARE YOU waste food like that? WHAT KIND OF MONSTER ARE YOU, BITCH?
This kook in a pajama onesie named Izzy walks in. Now, I am personally a huge fan of onesies. However, time and place my friend, time and place.
Rachel: Unemployed rolls up on one of those electronic scooter things. Like, honestly, who is surprised?
A very pretty accountant named Jessica comes out and gives Ben 2.0 a nice, big hug. She looks like the girl in high school that definitely got voted "Best Hair"
Tiara, our favorite (an maybe only) Chicken Enthusiast comes up and tries to act normal, but all she is really thinking about is how much she misses her chickens.
Relatable.
Lauren "LB" walks up, nervously laughs, and is excited to be here.
A gal named Jackie comes up to Ben, verrrrry excited, "Is this even real right now?!" hands him a pre-made save-the-date with a #ToHigginsAndToHold on it...which is both cute and just enough ca-reepy.
Then my DVR malfunctioned so I didn't meet the last few girls.
((Although I found out later that the girl's name was Olivia and Ben really likes her, and she has great eyebrows))
Skip ahead to Ben meet and greeting with the ladies.
Mandi, like every fucking dentist ever, decides this is a good time to tell Bachelor Ben he needs to floss...
Unicorn girl plays some pictionary to get to know Ben.
Caila from Ohio and Ben bond over their passion for software development..
Everything is going great.
OH WAIT.
WHAT'S THIS?
A surprise limo!
And who is in this limo, you ask?
Everyone's actual favorite, Becca. And then the neutral good Amber...both from last season with Bachelor Chris.
Papi Harrison is happy to see them, and SO AM I! I love a little shit-stirring myself.
Plus, Becca is #goals because she might actually be perfect looking. Do I have a girl crush? Yes.
They walk in and all of the girls, especially that bitch y'all love to hate "Lace", ARE NOT FUCKING PLEASED.
"Lace" is getting shit faced. I mean we've all had a little too much Pinot, right?
But she takes it to another level.
She's really torn up about Becca and Amber. She decides to interrupt my instant fave, Jubilee... -_-
Ben wants to take time to talk, but all Lace wants to do is talk about making out.
The crazy dentist comes and interrupts Lace...and so then Lace decides to start crying. Looks like another case of "I'm-used-to-being-the-prettiest-girl-in-the-room!"
Quick cut to the mini-horse ((appreciate))
Ben finds Lace and tells her that she needs to slow her roll and stop begging for a kiss...thirsty gal, but that he appreciates her as a woman and wants to get to know her. UGH, BEN...you're too nice, man...
You don't even know, BEN, you don't even KNOW what we're seeing!
Papi H brings in the coveted FIR (First Impression Rose) and the women turn into rabid dogs, frothing at the mouth like me the hour before Thanksgiving dinner is served.
you guys, I really hate the dentist. She needs to shut the fuck up. Between her and Lace, I am getting a migraine.
Ben says "I may be the Bachelor, but I am way out of my league..and I hope they don't figure that out.."
AWWWWE, BEN! That is actually, really, really cute of him. I don't think anyone has ever said that on this show!
He also says that he thinks every girl deserves the FIR..which is ridiculous, and untrue...but God Bless him.
Ben 2.0 decides to the give the FIR to Olivia, who apparently left her job for him, and they had an 'amazing' conversation. I didn't see this part because of DVR. Olivia says "I deserve this. I'm really humble."
Right. Yeah. So humble.
She does have good eyebrows though, so..
the other girls freak out with jealousy and anger.
Papi H comes in in his pinstripe suit and is ready to fuck shit up.
Lace is upset because during his toast-speech-generic thing, Ben doesn't "look her in the eye even ONCE" and she's VERY HURT. "I juss don want him to forget about me in the lil rose ceRmony" she drunkenly slurs.
This girl has got to go. I can't deal with a season of this.
Everyone knows now to drink too much on the first night. EVERYONE. Like, hold your liquor, bitch!
COME ON.
Thankfully we get to the "tough part" aka my favorite part: The Rose Ceremony.
Bachelor Ben 2.0 is very "humble" and thankful to all of the girls for being there.
That's nice, honey.
Order of the Roses
1- Lauren B. - flight attendant, first out of the first limo
2- "LB" - kind of under the radar, shorty, with a high pitched voice
3- Caila - OHIIIO, software developer, leapt into his arms
4- Amber - "I'M BACK BITCHES"
5- Jami - the girl who knows Kaitlyn...
6- Jennifer - small business owner, a few nice moments with Ben
7- Jubilee - military gal, good connection with Ben
8- Amanda - single mom from the OC, high pitched voice, good ombre
9- JoJo - unicorn fetish
10- Leah - "I'm a guy's girl!" football girl
11- Rachel - unemployed on that fucking scooter...
12- Samantha - just passed the bar!!, emotional dad story, seems nice
13- Jackie - kind of under the radar, gave him the 'save-the-date'
14- Haley - Twin #1
15- Emily - Twin #2
16- Shushonna - mail order bride (sorry to my Russian fans... I love you all)
17- Lauren H. - kindergarten teacher
18- Becca - MY GIRL! THE COOL VIRGIN!
19- Mandi - WHAT THE FUCK, BEN?! Creepy Dentist girl.
((really intense music begins))
(((Lace is sooo pissed..."Who wants a fucking virgin?!" she shouts in her interview..umm ok, no need to be nasty. You want to be nasty, I can get nasty... you snaggle toothed mess. Don't insult my girl, Becca)))
20- LACE?!?! - "LOOK ME IN THE EYEEEE I WANNN MAH PINOT GRIGIIIOOO"
All the girls who leave are absolutely devastated. One girl started crying. I can never fathom that. Like, did they just have too much to drink? Are they really just that upset..?
Unfortunately, the cow girl and the Chicken Enthusiast did NOT make it.
Lace takes it upon herself to pull Ben aside and confront him about "not making eye-contact" with her. She is so upset, and wants to figure out this issue together, as a couple.
"You didn't look at me...ONCE. I watched you. Trust me."
Okay...
See what you've done, Ben. Do you see?
Have fun with that.
Alright. Time for some top picks.
My Season Hopefuls:
Lauren B. had something that I think Ben 2.0 really liked. She was the first one out of the limo, and she was also the first person we met in the intros. The show WANTS us to like her. It's working! He has a bit of a connection with her, it seems.
Caila although coming out a little strong with the "leap into his arms" they have a lot in common. She's got the American Girl Doll vibe, and they're both from similar parts of the country. Plus, gotta rep my Ohio girl.
Jennifer flew under the radar in a major way this episode. But I don't want to discount her. They had a really nice one-on-one moment/conversation in the driveway randomly. I would like to see them get to know each other better! I think she's got a real shot.
Jubilee stood out tonight. She was funny, charming, and her and Ben really seemed to hit it off. I think they have potential!
I also think Amanda (single mom), JoJo (unicorn), Becca, and Olivia will go far! Olivia got the FIR, which is a big deal...but she seems like she's going to be a shit-starter...and I don't think Ben is going to be into that. I don't think these girls will make it to the final four, but I could be wrong. It wouldn't be the first time.
I also think at least one of the twins might have a chance, and also new attorney, Samantha.
Losers of the night:
Lace - just stfu
"My-Friends-Call-Me-Velvet" - "I guess he just doesn't like red-heads"
Chickens
Bronzer
Winners of the night:
Olivia for getting the FIR
Mandi for wearing a giant rose hat, giving him a dental exam, and still getting a rose...
Pinstripes (I'm looking at you, Papi H)
Brow games that were strong:
12
Number of times I felt uncomfortable:
How many seconds are in 2 hours...?
Amount of moments it took for me to fall in love with Ben 2.0:
3
Until next week,
Kaitie
xo
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