Tonight, America was subjected to "The Women Tell All" special of The Bachelor, which could also have been called "The Tierra Show". Are you panicking? Because I am.
Chris Harrison starts off by talking about what a "record breaking" season this has been thusfar. Obviously, this is because of me and my blog. I know, I know. There aren't many bachelor blogs out there. Thank God you found mine...
Chris introduces the ladies (mostly all of the irrelevant bitches that you forgot were even ever on the show) then says that we'll soon be seeing the enigmatic Tierra. The crowd rightfully boo's and I can't help but think that the women in the audience are just rejected Bachelor contestants--because they are terrible actors. Seriously, those facial expressions from the audience members make my stomach churn. This isn't Jerry Springer, it's a Bachelor reunion special and everyone needs to calm down.
Chris shows a segment of him and Sean crashing some various Bachelor viewing parties across America (or at least in the southern Cal area). Can you imagine if he crashed my and my Bachelor spirit guides' viewing party every week? Sean would be overwhelmed with the smell of brownies, bath and body works candles, and pink wine...not to mention it would be more like a 6 month job review feel for him than a celeb icon feel.
Sean then goes to a sorority house and I can't help but be concerned that all of these girls look like they're about 16 years old. I didn't know high schools had sororities...
They demand Sean take his shirt off and while I enjoy it, I feel slightly icky as well. It's a weird feeling. It's almost the exact same feeling I have when I go out in public without a bra.
The funny part is that Sean acted like he didn't like it, like he was embarassed about taking his shirt off...oh please. We all saw your dick blowing in the wind in week one.
They cut back to Chris in the studio with the ladies, some of them important, most of them, not so much. Tierra is somewhere backstage, we know. Chris assures the ladies they're going to have plenty of time to talk shit about her...because we haven't heard enough of that all season thusfar.
Lesley assures everyone "drama is not her thing"...yet she comes on a reality competition for a husband and rolls her eyes dramatically every time the camera is on her in the context of Tierra bashing.
Whatever, bitch. Drama is your thing. Drama is everyone's thing. Unless you're a cowboy or a gangster and have real problems--you have to actually come up with problems to make your life more interesting.
Chris lets the girls talk a little bit of crap about T-Dog (Tierra, not the only black guy from S1 of The Walking Dead) then they show her backstage putting a bunch of perfume on her smelly body. Which was weird.
So Tierra then comes out, probably feeling threatened. Chris sits her down on the couch next to him while all of the girls give her their own versions of the T-Dog stink eye. Here's just a brief overview of their 30 minute discussion....really all you need to know.
Chris: Did you come on this show thinking you'd be "THAT" girl?
Tierra: Yes and no. I have a light.
Chris: Did you feel you were treated unfairly?
Tierra: They judged me because of what I look like...which is beautiful. I feel victimized.
Chris: The girls claimed you always ignored them when they said good morning to you...it's okay if you're mad girls, that was a pretty bitchy thing to do (Regina George voice)
Tierra: Yes, I guess it was pretty bitchy...but I'm not here to make friends. I'm here for the prize...which is the rose...I mean Sean's penis...I mean Sean.
Chris: There's a fine line between making friends and just being friendly...do you have a reason for not even being friendly?
Tierra: They hated me right away because I'm so beautiful.
Chris: Is there anything you want to apologize for?
Tierra: Hmm. No.
Chris: Nothing, nothing you've lied about?
Tierra: (internally: just that you sell drugs) No.
Chris: I'm disappointed in you, Cady....Alright. I guess I'll feed you to the wolves now. Ladies, what do you want to say to Tierra?
[at this point, everyone takes a turn attacking T-Dog. She tries to defend her sparkle, but alas, it is becoming tarnished each and every time one of the women either: a- rolls their eyes b- scoffs c- laughs at her as they try to hold on to any shred of their 'five minutes of fame' that they can..even though they know they cannot be as legendary as Tierra and her Sparkling Stink Eye Eyebrow]
After the attack, Chris cuts to commercial and says "when we return we'll talk about the Battle at St. Croix" LIKE THIS IS SOME KIND OF HISTORICAL FUCKING EVENT.
Um, Chris, do you not have daughters? This sort of thing shouldn't be so exciting to you and I find it hard to believe you actually enjoy this like you seem to.
Back to the interview...
Chris: Did you feel attacked by AshLee?
Tierra: I felt attacked by everyone. I'm the victim. The victim of love.
Chris: How do you feel about the popularity of your eyebrow?
Tierra: Who cares about my eyebrow?! Like, who cares? I don't get it.
Chris: America.
[I think that's a pretty broad generalization, Chris. I could care less about her eyebrows. She could shave them off and I still wouldn't give a shit about her life.]
At the end of the interview, T-Dog drops the bomb that she's engaged...and has been since January...meaning that her fiance [assuming he does exist] actually has watched all of the episodes and still finds her to be dazzling enough to marry.
I won't understand it ever, but at least she found a father for her Yorkshire terrier.
Once the first hour is over and has been consumed entirely by Tierra, Chris brings Sarah to the hot seat and makes her re-live her entire heartbreak over again. Also, we'll show that time you fell a lot rollerblading again, just to make you EVEN MORE DEPRESSED.
With one sentence, Sarah summed up the entire reason she should've never been on the show because she's too good for it anyways: "I think a lot of girls can relate to the 'you're great, but not great for me' excuse from guys." YUP. YUP WE CAN.
I appreciate Sarah not playing the victim card here, as she so could've done because of her disability. No, she managed to bring us all back down to earth and say "yeah I got rejected by a guy, and it's happened before, and I'm not the only one who has...it may not have anything to do with my arm, but it still sucks to be turned away from someone you thought cared about you."
You go, Glen Coco.
Next Chris calls Dez to the couch and everyone is like "wait, who is that?" because this Dez is bangless...so she looks like a totally different person. At least to me. Then I remembered, 'oh yes, remember how your brother fucked everything up for you because he had to 'holla' at Sean?...classic.'
I don't know. Dez keeps on her brave face and talks about how she still thinks Sean made a mistake and how it wasn't meant to be or whatever. I know everyone in America loved her but to me, she just still seems like the type of girl who keeps all their valentines they've ever gotten from first grade on from the boys they like in a special box in her closet. You know the type.
Speaking of creepy stalkers, Chris then calls AshLee up to stage. They pan through the audience as they cheer and I can't help but notice the ONE MALE there...and it's weird because he's old. Like, who's dad got dragged there?
AshLee starts off her interview with a bang, looks like her ombre hair gave her a little more sass. She makes the bold statement that Sean acted like a southern gentleman in front of her and then "acted like a frat boy" in front of the other girls. Please, girl. I know frat boys way less douchey than Sean.
AshLee starts pouring out all of these secrets like how Sean told her "she was the one" and that he didn't "have a connection at all with the other girls"...and basically told her in the fantasy suite that he loved her.
So things got...crazy.
They brought Sean out and had him talk to AshLee right there, in person about the whole thing. I found this annoying, because like, how much time does AshLee really need to speak? It's all she's been doing all fucking season. YOU HAVE SAID ENOUGH, WOMAN. I feel like I can never, as hard as I may try, forget AshLee's nasally, Disney princess voice cooing "Sean is my soulmate" or "I am whole" FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE ON THIS EARTH.
My hell would be spent in the cold rain with someone like AshLee talking to me as I sit in a dentist's office.
When Ash tells Sean what he said, he gets all red and weird, claiming he never said such a thing. It's hard to know who to believe. Ash is so crazy that it's hard to take her seriously, but Sean is getting all awkward, so I assume that maybe he is the one lying.
Fact of the matter is, we won't ever know who was telling the truth. And I don't really care. I hope you don't either.
Cut to Chris, making a face like "woops, this got weird" then he tells us to watch some bloopers.
The outtakes are probably the best part about the entire season. We get to see Chris Harrison swear a lot and we get to see Sean incapable of opening several bottles of alcohol, therefore solidifying the fact that he and I would be a terrible couple. Whew. Dodged a bullet there.
The episode ends with a "look back" on his journey so far with Catherine and Lindsay.
Sean says "When I first met Lindsay in that wedding dress, she scared the crap out of me!" Yeah, us too, Sean.
To wrap up this entire "special episode" I just want to let everyone know that you didn't miss much. Turns out "The Women" didn't have all that much to tell that we didn't already know a- Tierra's crazy b- Dez felt Sean made a mistake c- Sarah was a hurt d- AshLee was taken aback
So thanks for wasting two hours of my life, Chris Harrison.
But what else is new?
Until next time [THE FINALE],
Kaitie
xo
ps: RIP, Magic :(
No comments:
Post a Comment