Halloween

Well it's that time of year again, and by that time of year I mean Yom Kippur.
Just joking. Of course I mean Halloween. The only decent holiday left in my opinion. I mean, how great is it that people give out free candy?! What an act of compassion and caring! (except the people that give out raisins...you're an a-hole, shame on you)

I remember getting so excited, dressing up in my various costumes. Everyone has either been a Hippie, Witch, Rock Star, or Astronaut at least once, correct? One of my favorites was the year I went as a pilgrim. I was into it...I don't know. It was the same year that my sister went as a cow. She hated her life.

When you're younger, you either make your own costume or make your parents shell out the big bucks for a one time wear at super stores, like Target..which I love. You go out with your friends or neighbors or siblings, whatever and you walk around the neighborhood (or in my case your parents drive you to a nice part of town so you don't get attacked or have to walk around without streetlights) Plus the nice neighborhoods always have better candy anyways. I'm talking the Peanut M&M's and Kit Kat bars...ooooOOOooh yeah.

Every house you go to the nice old people would be all "OH WHAT'RE YOU! HOW CUTE! Here you goooo!!" all happily and whatnot and then you'd hop off to the next house hoping you don't run into any of those scary teenagers with their Scream or Michael Myers masks. They freaked me out!

At the end of the night you would all go back home and dump out your copious amounuts of candy on the floor and compare. There was always an unnecessary amount of Smarties and Nestle Crunch bars. And while those are good, enough is enough...you know? Where are the Reese Cups or Airheads?! But the WORST was when you got the Good n Plenty's or Riesen candies (eek! What are we, 70?)

Candy was a very defensive thing back then. My sister and I were very cut throat towards one another. If I thought she was stealing my candy I would yell and scream and threaten..(I was chubby, don't judge). It was all very intense.

Then the candy ended up in the communal bowl anyways because there is only so much candy you can eat in a month. That candy was always the Crunch Bars, Smarties, and Good n Plenty's, by the way.

When you get older, you hit that awkward stage where it's like...you're way too old to go trick or treating. My last year trick or treating was my sophomore year of high school (DON'T JUDGE) and it was such a mistake. Literally almost 75% of the houses we went to said the same thing: "Aren't you too old to be trick or treating?" And I felt like such a little piece of shit.

Yeah, that was my last year.
I say once you're old enough to stop wearing a training bra or have your temporary learner's permit, you are probably too old to be trick or treating.

Then Halloween basically turned into a whore show after that. It became all about who would have the "cutest" aka sluttiest costume of all. The more cleavage and leg showing, the better! Stripper heels CAN go with a firewoman's outfit...don't you know? Basically, shopping for Halloween costumes was easy, you just had to go to the sex shop.

It only got worse in college, because not only do girls dress like sluts, but they are drunk and acting slutty, barfing all over the place and showing their underwear to all. It's all very frightening indeed and gives a whole new meaning to a "scary" Halloween.

The worst is the couples that coordinate their outfits. It makes me want to die a little every time I see it. My parents went as dinosaurs one year. It was horrifying on all levels.

This all just goes to show that you don't need to wear a scary mask in order to frighten people.

Last year I went as Ke$ha, which was fun because I basically got to act like a hot mess the entire night and it was excusable! This year I'm going as a nerd. Which is basically myself, so that won't be too hard.

But I hope everyone has a great Halloween! Stay safe! Dress warm! And as my grandma once said, ladies, "If a guy only wants a scoop..don't give away the whole ice cream truck for free" (I do not think she orginated this statement, but we pretend she did..this is the same grandma that told me if I wasn't married by 30 I should just join a convent)

Anyways.
Happy Halloween!