As we speak I should be writing an actual real life thing called an essay for a lit class that I can't stand. Due tomorrow. I've come pretty far and written a- my name b- the date and c- a lame title that will have to be changed. That was 40 minutes ago.
Here I sit wondering what my life has come to and why I feel that it is okay to write on this blog instead of write this paper. My answer is...that I do not know, but I do know that I am a horrible, awful person and should feel like a huge fat idiot for not even attempting to write an introduction paragraph before logging onto blogspot.
Anyways.
The other day I was at home cleaning out my bookshelf. Deep within the confines of said bookshelf I found some pretty frightening things, like yearbooks from 5th grade that I wish I could burn for fear that people will see my man haircut and awkward chub. I also found a cell phone from like 1985 (it didn't even have A CAMERA!!! shock ensues..) some books from when I was probably 2 years old. Goodnight Moon, anyone?
But my most important find was my journal from freshman year of high school where I wrote about literally the stupidest things ever including boys I liked that didn't even know I existed, family problems that I cringe at now (but really Mom, couldn't you have picked me up at 11 instead of 10:30...what difference does that half hour really make?), songs that I wrote that sounded eerily like Kelly Clarkson's Miss. Independent, some pictures that I thought were good at the time (I had a strange obsession with eyes and eyebrows...which are just frightening) just really a lot of embarassing shit that I don't ever want anybody to see. Like I really need to burn this stuff in case I ever die in a freak accident like those people in Final Destination because I don't want my parents going through my stuff and finding this ridiculously disturbing journal with badly ryhmned songs and a bunch of sketches on human eyeballs.
My journal seemed to be going pretty well for about three months and then I just sort of forgot about it, which is so typical for journals or diaries if you think about it. Really, anyone who has kept a diary and/or journal for more than a year and ACTUALLY writes in it daily or every other day or something, I commend you.
One of my last entires was something that terrified me as I sat there reading it in my room at 2 am this past weekend, I died laughing and also died of embrassment for my 14-year old self.
This is what it says:
"Dear Diary,
Today I was thinking that I really need to make a life plan. I feel so pressured to have a plan. I want to go to college DUH. So I'm going to make a list of things I want to do:
1-Pass my OGTs next year (woo! go me, I did pass, much like the other 98% of my grade..)
2-Get my license (barely made that one...road rage)
3-Find a date to homecoming next year and not be so lame!!! (ha...that never happened, I will forever be lame)
4-See Rascal Flatts before I graduate (I did actually see them, can't name one song they have out now though)
5-Dye my hair black (I dyed it dark brown and hated my life for a year)
6-Go out with ****** (HAHAHA...never happened...)
7-Be in a musical (nope)
8-Get a car (realistic)
7-Go to prom with my boyfriend (what boyfriend?! what was I thinking?!)
9-Graduate (well..no shit 14-year old self)
10-Go to Hawaii the summer before college (With what money?)
11-Go to Purdue (my hopes were high....)
12-Intern in Chicago for a summer-age 19 (Once again, high hopes and suddenly my 14 year old self decided to add age restrictions...she had very high standards for me)
13-Study Abroad in Italy, Paris, or Spain-age 20 (All of which would be challenging since I know none of those languages, apparently I was to learn them though)
14-Meet the love of my life--future husband-roughly age 20-21 (me learning 3 different languages would have been more likely than this one)
15-Go to Las Vegas for my 21st birthday!! age 21 (yes...age 21, I'm lucky if I can go to Put-In-Bay for my 21st now)
16- Graduate with honors age 21 (we'll see about that)
17- Work in New York, Boston, or Chicago age 21-23 (only two years, then I can come back to this hell hole apparently)
18- Marry boyfriend age 23 (the image of me getting engaged within the next 2 years literally makes me want to shit my pants right now, my clock is obviously ticking)
19- Get steady job age 23 (doing what? did I have any clue about my life?)
20- Travel to Europe [with husband] age 24 (that's nice that I wanted to include him in that fun)
21- Have first child age 24 (this frightens me so much, was I serious?)
22- Buy my parents a house age 25 (WOW! Was I planning on becoming a Hollywood movie star or a rapper?)
23- Have second child age 25 (My body will be stretched and torn before I even hit 26!)
24- Take kids to Disney World age 27 (Obviously this was more important in my life plan than picking a career choice)
25- Buy beach house in North Carolina age 28 (yes, many people under the age of 60 have beach homes where I'm from)
26- One more kid...maybe? age 28 (We'll flip a coin for that one)
27- Take kids to Europe when they're teenagers (I didn't add an age on this one because I was and still am terrible at math and couldn't figure out at one age I would be when my children would be teenagers)
28- live life age 28-65 (what does living life consist of?!?! really, Kaitie? this was crucial to the list)
29- Retire at age 65, move to Florida (and finally, one of the more realistic goals on my list)
30- write books during retirement (really?)
31- Have grandkids! (this scared me for many reasons)
I can do anything I set my mind to, I just have to work hard and believe I can!
Well, that's all for now :)
Kaitie"
Obviously I was a weird kid. Reading through this list just made me realize that we really have no freaking clue of anything when we're that young. I don't remember feeling young at 14, I thought I knew everything.
I'm sure 6 years from now I'll look back at my 20 year old self and say WTF were you thinking 20-year old Kaitie?!
Did I seriously want to have kids by age 24? Did I really think I would meet the love of my life in college? Did I honestly believe that I would get to travel and work in all of these places? Who knows?
All I know is that the list is comical and the fact that dying my hair dark and having grandchildren were both their own seperate categories on this list scares me. I suppose we all prioritize things differently as we grow up and we're all constantly still growing up...even after retirement.
I hope you found it enjoyable and that it made you feel better about your own life and say "Whew! Good thing I was never THAT psychotic!"
To my 14 year old self I say, "Oh honey, that's cute. Get a clue."
And if for some strange reason I look through my web history 6 years from now and find this blog, I say to myself then, "I'm surprised you can afford a computer, you homeless weirdo cat lady."
AND FINALLY, to all of you: "You can do anything you set your mind to. You just have to work hard and believe you can!" -Kaitie Nock, 14 years of age.
Until next time,
Kaitie xo
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