As we've had a hiatus last week, I'll try to make this blog somewhat decent, but I make no promises.
Here we go.
WE IN FRANCE TONIGHT, Y'ALL!
"It's, like, the perfect place to fall in love," Andi says, as she has said every week previously.
The men are all very pumped also, with the exception of Andrew, who comes out like the pretentious nerd that he is and says "I've hung out in Saint Tropez and Monaco...but at least this time I get to be with Andi."
Alright, buddy. That's nice. Way to make yourself more likeable.
CHarrison finds Andi and looks absolutely stunning in a turtleneck/sports jacket combo. Wow, very European CHarrison! Glad to see you're branching out!
Their conversation went as follows:
Chris: Are you falling in love?
Andi: STAAAAAHHHWP
Chris: Are you?
Andi: (smiles slyly)
Chris: Is it just one guy?
Andi: No.
WHAT?!
How can you fall in love with multiple people? And please tell me you are not falling in love with Needy Marcus.
Anywhooo.
Josh, the former pro-balla, gets the first one-on-one date card and all the other guys are butt hurt. But not one is more hurt by this than Andrew. And I don't see why, since he's actually shown no interest in Andi this entire time IMO.
So Bachelorette Andi takes Josh for a stroll about the city. They walk around and do boring shit like buying sandwiches. JK I WOULD TOTALLY LOVE THAT!
Josh and Andi then proceed to engage in what I assume is supposed to be "Flirty Conversation"
Suddenly they are on a yacht with really, really overly aggressive epic music.
Andi shows her doubts about dating an athlete (because I guess athletes are all exactly the same? and how many professional athletes have you dated Andi? And if it is a lot, where do you hang out? And can you invite me?)
"I always date these athlete types and it never works out," she says. OOOKAY Andi, I feel really, really sorry for that you always have to date athletic guys. Life must be hard.
I'm lucky if a 60 year old hits on me at a gas station!
To assure her that he's not a playa playa, Josh starts, like, mumbling in Andi's jacket...which is, you know, a little off putting. Is it really cold there or something?
Why am I having flashbacks of being uncomfortable at some crowded bar with a creepy guy breathing down my neck?
Just me?
Okay.
"I'm still trying to figure Josh out," Andi claims. Okay, that is understandable...considering you've known him for a month and haven't really spent any time alone together...
That's totally normal. Don't worry.
They go have dinner at a palace then. Which is not that impressive. The Bachelor/ette sets standards wayyy too high for us now.
Alright I'M ONLY JOKING. The palace is nice.
I feel like once you're done talking about sports with Josh, there would be nothing really all that interesting to talk about. In typical fashion, Andi tries to deepen shit up and ask him about his past. YAWN.
"I feel like I've known you, like, so long...in such, like, a good way," Josh tells her (I quote verbatim)...yikes.
Andi brings up the five year situation in which Josh claims he hasn't been with a woman seriously in 5 years. And in this way, I can see her having her doubts...because, I mean, look at him.
There's no denying those huge, pearly whites.
It's at this boring point in the date that I come to the realization if you just listen to the audio of the show and don't actually watch it how extremely boring their conversations, and also you can literally hear the bull shit.
Then finally, the annoying dinner is over and it's AWKWARD PRIVATE CONCERT TIME?!
Wait, haven't they already filleld their awkward private concert time for the season?!
Andi must love music..
Anyways...it's really...romantic...?
Shit the bed, I'm out of moscato....ALREADY.
Actual conversation between Josh and Andi:
J: Awesome.
A: Good.
J: I'm so happy with you.
A: Good.
J: I can't stop smiling at you.
A: Aww...
J: Wow.
A: This is awesome.
And I'll leave you with that snore fest.
NOW IT GETS GOOD BECAUSE IT'S GROUP DATE TIME Y'ALL!
The invite comes and IT'S A TRICK CARD aka it's blank.
So we know some weird shit is about to go down.
(PS SIDE NOTE: Has anyone else noticed Andi starts 65% of her sentences with "To me.."?)
So the men arrive and they learn that they will be learning how to mime today.
And please stop.
Mimes are the scariest fucking thing ever, I wish I could fast forward this entire date, I am so afraid and uncomfortable.
Mimes are sexual predators.
They're like, allowed to touch you and stuff, and you're supposed to think it's funny and cute?! No. It's terrifying. Get your white gloves away from me, you mute clown freak!!
Needy Marcus will like this...
because he's a predator.
Why does Andi keep making them do these terribly uncomfortable performances? Tell me! TELL ME WHY.
Roided Macklemore, aka Cody, aka C Money, aka Mime Cody (who really loves this date) coins the new catchphrase for mimes (if they could talk, that is): "I've got my mime on my money, and my money on my mime."
Brill.
So okay. Then they start miming in public, in the streets, in front of people...and What is Happening.
It's awful. The crowd is so freaked out, and they're FRENCH. That's telling you something.
This is so scary I hate this.
JJ and Marquel are actually pretty good at it though because they're so fucking cookey!
Otherwise, everyone looks like a predator.
Like Cody.
Cody goes up to this little girl who literally runs away from him to her mommy.
And, same.
Average Guy Nick V is really hating it because he's as emotional as a thirteen year old girl on her period and can literally never have fun with anything unless it's one of his freaky love letters.
All he wants to do is play Dungeons and Dragons, with Andi, alone.
His bad attitude is very unattractive, but Andi's all like "hehe I get it!" because for some reason beyond me she likes this guy.
Once the miming is over (THANK GOD) they have their usual cocktail party together. JJ grabs Andi right away FTW and takes her on a ferris wheel...which is actually very romantic and cute. And he gets some points with me tonight, even though his pants are a little too groovy.
Meanwhile...
back at the partayyy with the gents shit GOES DOWN:
Cody tells Nick V straight up, to his face, that he is full of himself and feels entitled to Andi. Nick apologizes for acting that way, but basically retracts his apology when he says immediately after: "I'm the frontrunner right now"
And all the guys are like 'wtf bro?' because in Nick's mind, he is the front runner, and for some reason Andi has allowed him to think this...which is frustrating.
Bachelorette Andi can tell there is some tensions so she pulls my darling sweetie pie, Farmer Chris, aside to talk. She asks him what is happening and he politely tells her what went down with Cody and Nick.
Andi then talks to both Cody and Nick (very dramatic shit) and Cody tells Andi he was offended that Nick called him Mr. Thankful.
And I can see why Cody is single...he gets triggered by really stupid shit...
When she talks to Nick, he just proceeds to say, once again, how this all seems so unnatural to him. OKAY NICK, IT IS UNNATURAL. It is a reality show that no one forced you to be apart of. You can leave at any time. In fact, please do. Go find a girlfriend on the internet, like everyone else, if you want something more 'natural'. God, he sounds like fucking Sharleen from last season!
ORGANIC.
Anyways.
Nick talks about what happened with Cody and Andi questions is she can trust him, and if he is manipulating her.
He then reads her some letter he must've written in the bathroom because it's terrible...a poem titled, "When I See You", then she kisses him, so if she's feeling manipulated and still letting this guy kiss her, then I have ZERO PERCENT SYMPATHY.
Marquel then decides to make this night really pretty dramatic when he confronts Andrew about the racist comment he made during night one. JJ and Nick had told Marquel earlier that day that during the first rose ceremony, Andrew mentioned to JJ that Andi had accepted both the black guys (but used a negative term). Rightfully so, Marquel took offense to this when he heard it, and it bothered him all day apparently. So he brings it up 'man to man' to Andrew, in front of all the other guys. Andrew, of course, like everything else, denies ever saying it. Is he telling the truth? Probably not. Although, JJ really does seem to have it out for Andrew...so who it to know.
IMO Andrew is scummy, and only jealous because Marquel is 50 times more attractive than he is.
Poor Marquel :( He is so sweet and quirky with his weird outfits and love of cookies...
Meanwhile, Needy Marcus is laying some bull shit on Andi. He tells her that she is "worth going to the edge of the world for" and that he is falling in love with her (again?!) making it weird.
He really needs to calm the fuck down.
Andi concludes the group date by giving the rose to JJ, which I think is good personally.
Nick and Marcus are, of course, butt hurt that they didn't get the rose. They both think they are entitled to these roses all the time, and it's annoying...and reminiscent of Crazy Clare. AMIRIGHT?
Next, we get the next one-on-one date...which goes to Brian the Basketball Coach.
Andi arrives to pick him up looking absolutely fierce in her leather jacket!
They're cute, and he's cute, but I must say: I really don't think they match well together. I like Brian but I can't see this being a long term thing. He just seems to...IDK real for her? Andi wants a cheesy guy and Brian is not that.
So anyway. They go to see a movie which gives them plenty of time to get to know each other...
Brian claims to be "having a blast" yeah...I'm sure it's a real blast watching the biggest chick flick of the season.
It's a movie about cooking, so naturally then after they go to shop for fresh food in the streets together.
Andi is enjoying using french words like "merci" and "salad" and "bonjour" repeatedly...
So they get to buy food then cook it all together. VERY FUN SHIT.
Brian gets so weird because he is stressed about cooking, and when I say he gets "so weird" I mean, he doesn't give Andi 100% attention, and she does NOT like that.
Apparently, Brian concentrating on not fucking up the pan seared frog legs that she made him cook, was really "off putting" to Andi and "upset" her.
IMO she was just mad that he wasn't entertaining her the entire freaking time.
And I get it, this was probably a good opportunity to get to know someone and have some cookey fun..but when you put people in situations outside of their comfort zone, you have to let them get their bearings.
She was totally so quick to be like "this is not the Brian I know!" and like totally freaked the fuck out like a drama queen.
In his defense, he seems pretty awkward around women, and has said so. She should just accept this about him. He can't be all mopey and lovey dovey corny like some of the other guys.
"I don't think he is rising to the occasion," she says, literally as she is holding up a limp asparagus. lol.
He is cute, but she clearly wants constant entertainment. And maybe he should be trying a little harder since this a reality competition. idk.
Finally, he kisses her/makes out with her…and she’s like “tNow his is the Brian I gave my rose to!” wtf?
She gives his magic tongue the rose.
So
needy, Andi.
FINALLY we approach the cocktail party/rose ceremony, some notes:
Are they in a graveyard?
I like Andi's Elsa braid, very fun.
Andi tells CHarrison "NO COCKTAIL PARTY TONIGHT. I KNOW WHAT I FUCKING WANT. I WANT TO GET RID OF THREE MEN AND SEND THEIR ASSES BACK TO AMERICA"
"In order to get where I need to be, I need to start sending more guys home," she literally says. She is definitely on a power trip, and I don't love it. Brat!
Hey, Andi, send Marcus home!
jk, I know she won't. She loves his constant doting attention too much.
When CHarrison tells the guys that they won't be talking to Andi before the rose ceremony at the cocktail party, they are really thrown.
Cody is bummed because he wanted to "Steal" her for a few minutes...just like he stole your grandpa's style.
(no, the Macklemore jokes will never end until he leaves the show)
Patrick is sweating because he knows his time is definitely up. I think he's literally talked to Andi twice.
So instead of sitting through a cocktail party (which was totally Andi's decision and not the abc network's...) abc decides to cut to their new bull shit show "Rising Star" which looks extremely confusing in so many ways. Like I don't even know what the hell that was.
They have Josh Groban, Ludacris, Ke$ha, and Brad Paisley all together?
Is this a mad lib?
Then we have to watch this thermometer rise to 70% which I guess is a big deal? Then Groban's like "okay! Now back to your program!"
so IDK WHAT THE FUCK THAT WAS.
But no...we don't get to go to the rose ceremony quite yet.
Next, we have to watch a preview for "Bachelor in Paradise" which sounds like a gay porno, but okay. And it was just basically this really vague preview that looked more like The Bachelor Goes on Spring Break FEATURING OUR FAVORITE GIRL CRAZY CLARE! yay.
So we know literally nothing about that show....so whatever, abc.
FINALLY, THE ROSE CEREMONY:
Balls out tonight.
1- Marcus (eughhh)
2- Nick V. (eughhhhh)
3- Chris (TEAM IOWA FOREVER)
4- Dylan (Yeah BB!)
5- Cody (Macklemore!? No Marquel!?)
Sending Andrew, Patrick, and Marquel home. Andrew is "pretty bummed" that he has to leave because he was "bullied" in the house by the other guys...okay...
Wah wah. Go call that hostess you got the number from on night 1.
Patrick is sad, but also kind of relieved because he can be with Andrew now. And I actually do think he is gay, or bi because as he was leaving he told Andi that there are "a lot of great guys here" and he also told us that "lots of people, and not just girls, have told me I would make a good husband" so that was definitely his way of letting us know. My sweet Patrick! Be yourself, honey.
Marquel is also really sad, and I am sad for him. I really liked his personality, but let's be honest, Andi wants a guy who writes her poems and only talks about himself and his emotions.
Sorry Marquel, my darling cookie monster :(
don't ask how I found this gif
I vote that Marquel is the next Bachelor?! Wouldn't that be fun to actually have someone with a personality?!?!
Or even Patrick, but make it with guys and girls, you know?
Like this is 2014, people.
NEXT WEEK WE GOIN' TO VENICE BOYS YEEHAW!
Also, next week one of the dates is a lie detector test? Every girl's dream date.
Winners of the week:
Cody and Marquel for actually trying to have fun miming and also confronting the douchebags about being douchebags.
Farmer Chris for being sweet, as always.
JJ for making everything fun and full of fashionable pants.
Losers of the week:
Andrew "I've Been Bullied...I am NOT a racist" Douchelord
Patrick, so cute, but had zero chance of impressing Andi, apparently. Also, be true to yourself, Patrick. Be true to yourself.
Nick V. is starting to show his true colors, and they are not good colors.
"STAAAAHHWP" count:
at least 1, but I think I've become immune
Hottie of the Week:
Gotta give it to CHarrison for that turtleneck.
Until next time,
Kaitie
xo
Ps.
I can’t stand the way she talks, she literally inclines her voice the same
exact way every time she speaks and I just have to get that out there.
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