It's time.
Also, to give some of you proper warning: if you love and value the Bachelor and what it stands for then maybe you shouldn't be reading my blog. Just a heads up.
We start off tonight's episode with the usual speculation on who is going to get the coveted one-on-one date card. Chris Harrison comes out and says that it is hard to believe that they're down to 15 girls already even though it's actually not that hard to believe because these people are awful and should be sent home. Almost as awful as his two-tone blue shirt.
Cassandra, surprisingly (not really after her breakdown last week) gets the date card.
While Cassandra gets ready, they show Bachelor Juan Pablo playing with his daughter Camila and trying to force her to eat her chicken. It's all very charming and adorable, I suppose.
Bachelor Juan picks Cassandra up in some weird Jeep/Boat hybrid to which Cassandra utters the brilliant: "I've never seen a car like this. It looks like a Jeep!"
Well, probably because it is. It's a Jeep Watermobile that looks like the cars from Jurassic Park.
Cassandra, who is only 21, keeps telling us, repeatedly, over...and over...and over again that she has no been a date in 3 WHOLE YEARS since she was 18 years old.
You know what honey? Welcome to the fucking club.
You try finding a guy who wants to take you out to a nice dinner now-a-days at our age. It's not going to happen.
So anyways, JP takes Cassandra through the water on this crazy boat/car thing and they then proceed to go on a yacht. Which hello, why didn't he just pick her up in that and get this thing started off the correct way? As they arrive, they are playing this corny, weird music that sounds like it belongs on the Limited Too playlist.
Cassandra is clearly nervous because she will not stop saying "like" or fake laughing. And it is actually like listening to nails on a chalk board. After playing in the water together, they cook dinner together and Juan Pablo forces her to dance with him after saying "I have to do something to make her more comfortable" (nothing makes me personally feel more comfortable than dancing with one other person in the middle of a kitchen in front of an entire camera crew)...and none of us are that shocked when she turns it into a bump and grind considering a- she's a former NBA dancer and b- she's 21, that's all we know.
And the music is of course cheesy, way too loud, and terrible.
Also, I'm not sure where I read this but someone said that Cassandra being with Bachelor Juan Pablo reminds them of a young woman home for the summer from college who has a fling with her newly single, much older neighbor, slightly creepy neighbor. Which I think is hitting the nail on the head precisely.
Cassandra shows him pictures of her son and Juan shows her a single picture of Camila on his phone and just keeps zooming in on it because I guess that is the only picture he has?
Anyways, it becomes painfully clear that literally the only things these people are in common are their children and their love of dancing.
And you can't build a marriage on Meringue.
Date Summary: Cassandra hasn't been on a date since she was 18, which really isn't all that heartbreaking considering she's 21. To quote JP: "Damn Cassandra is beautiful...but..." she's a child? and "She's beautiful, she's a dancer...and...she's funny..? I like that about her." THEN BAM: AWKWARD KISS.
Meanwhile, back at Bachelor Mansion Elise and Renee bond over Elise's touching story about how her late mother's last wishes were apparently that Elise go on the Bachelor. I think that's kind of weird, but who am I to judge...I guess.
The girls get their group date invitation then and the only ones who don't get to go (who haven't already had one-on-one's) are Chelsi and Elise.
We find out, through the lame date card clue, that they will almost definitely be playing soccer. Which is my worst nightmare, again.
Cut to Bachelor Juan playing on the field of the LA Galaxy, who I am so sure were THRILLED to be featured on an episode of the Bachelor.
"I'm a soccer star!"
The ladies arrive and they begin to put on their cleats and practice a bit. If I were them I would definitely be hitting on those Galaxy soccer players and try to make JP jealous. Two can play THAT came, buddy. Let's see how you like it.
No but anyways.
Juan tells the girls that they will be split into two teams and will play a game of soccer in which he will be the ref. He then says "I can't wait to see these girls play against eachother"
HI. THEY ALREADY ARE! Adding physical competition into this love competition could get really, really ugly. But don't take my word for it. It's not like every other Bachelor in history has done something stupid like this...
They get split into a blue team and a red team. Alli, or as Juan likes to call her Allison, informs us all that she has played soccer her entire life and I'm really actually hoping she kicks Juan's ass.
Kelly (dog lover) and Sharleen (ungrateful opera singer) are probably the least athletic in the bunch. And I can feel their pain and am definitely sympathetic to that. Sharleen keeps getting nailed repeatedly with the ball, in the knee, in the side, and even in the face.
After the grueling soccer match, the girls, of course, put their dresses on and have drinks with Juan Pablo. Bachelor Juan takes Nikki the Nurse aside for some one-on-one time where she gets a finger tap on her head and he tells her "You have something I like. I don't know what it is." ..."Maybe your boobs?"
He actually said that! Not the boob part...but still. Just what every girl wants to hear.
GIVE ME SOMETHING, BRO.
Next, Lawyer Andi and JP share a romantic rendevous at the...concession stand...? Cute. Anyways, they kiss and it's awkawrd and forgettable.
Finally, Sharleen gets her alone time with him and makes things really weird because she just keeps saying "that is a compliment"
Like, yes, bitch. WE KNOW.
We're not idiots. But then again, maybe he is.
Can't you think of anything better to say when he says nice, cheesey things to you?
She tops of their time with a nice tongue-y kiss that looks like something out of a porno.
Andi is shocked and sooo surprised that he is kissing other girls.
I wish someone would turn to her and just straight up ask, "Do you ever watch this show?"
Ultimately, Juan gives the date rose to Nikki the Nurse, who didn't even kiss him during their one on one time...making Sharleen and Andi feel weird and slutty.
Meanwhile, back at Bachelor Mansion, we are still forced to be focused on Elise. She keeps talking about how she cannot wait to have a one-on-one date with Juan and how she is very, very confident that she will be the one he chooses. Blah, blah. Which is why she is so surprised when the date card comes that it actually goes to Chelsie. Chelsi? idk.
Elise is completely heartbroken and gets real catty about it. She begins talking mad shit about Chelsie and how she is immature and "like a baby" and won't be a good mother.
Because talking about how immature and stupid another person is is definitely a mature thing to do.
Bachelor Juan Pablo picks Chelsie up for her date and plays some Venezuelan music that sounds eerily like a recording of himself singing. He proceeds to then sing along and act like a huge dork with her. Chelsie tries to play along and dances in the passenger seat. All I can picture in her head is "Great, how long is this going to be?"
This is when I realize that I have little to no interest in this date and all so I get up to get a snack.
Coming back, suddenly the two are on a bridge about to jump off. I'm not really that surprised because if I were on this show, I'd probably jump off a bridge, too.
Except then I realize they're attached to bungees.
Oh.
So basically, if she doesn't do this terrifying jump with him, he'll send her home because that's not the kind of mother he wants for his daughter.
I'm just kidding, but I mean, really, what a dumb date.
Chelsie really does not want to and she is completely losing her shit, crying, and having a panic attack. Instead of immediately saying "you don't have to do this" or "Come on, let's just go drink champagne and talk" like ANY NORMAL MAN WOULD...Juan just keeps saying "We're in this together. I'm right here." like it's symbolic of their relationship or something. Which, I'm sorry, but it isn't at all. Does trust really have anything to do with it? Should she trust this guy? They've only probably talked twice...The girl doesn't want to jump off a bridge with you...so what? Maybe she just really is afraid of passing out in fear.
Fifteen minutes into her mental breakdown, JP finally says "ok, we don't have to do this" but they finally just end up fucking jumping after all that ridiculous wasted airtime.
They cut back to the Bachelor Mansion where Elise is still acting like a catty cry baby and talking crap about Chelsie, continuing to say how she'll be a bad mother, etc. etc.
To directly counteract against this, we cut back to the date and Bachelor Juan is talking about how he can see Chelsie being a very good mother..probably because she's from Ohio.
At this point, my younger, highly critical sister walks in the room to watch for a few minutes and gives us her commentary.
Chelsie: "This is the best day of my entire life!"
Kellie: "Wow, that's actually really sad."
(Billy Currington!? - what the hell are you doing there - comes out and starts singing)
Kellie: "Oh God, I can't believe this show is real. This is the whitest show ever."
(then she leaves)
After Chelsie and Juan's date, Bachelor Juan decides to show up on the day of the Rose Ceremony in the morning and make the girls breakfast (a last meal...)
Kelly the Dog Lover, comes downstairs to let Molly out and sees Bachelor Juan in the kitchen and she completely freaks out, barely says two words to him, and covers her face with her hand...because God forbid this guy who could potentially be your husband see your true self, with your ugly ass face.
Like come on, really bitch? Pull it together.
Once all the girls are awake, Bachelor Juan gathers them together and pretends he is Chris Harrison (which elicits so many giggles hehe) and informs them that he is cancelling the cocktail party and instead is making it a pool party! So yay! Now instead of getting drunk before potentially facing major rejection in front of millions of viewers at a cocktail party, they can cannon ball their way through their misery!
Oh, for Joy.
Free Spirit Lucy actually is really excited about the pool party.
Kat acts desperate and climbs on JP's shoulders, challenging anyone to a fight, which is kind of annoying. The Dog Lover then says "Kat is acting like a slut".
Oh, Kelly. Aside from your job title, that statement is just one of many reasons you seem to think you need a reality show to find love.
Sharleen gets more one-on-one time with JP, which not surprisingly, is nothing short of extremely uncomfortable. She begins crying to which I say Stop. Stop crying. STOPPP CRYING. Like most, if not all of the other girls there, Sharleen proves herself to be far too needy.
If you're going on a reality show competition to find love (which is ridiculous anyway) you have to toughen up and not feel like you need attention at all times. I'm sorry, but it's just the way it is. I'm not saying it's right, and I don't blame the girls for getting upset that the guy they like is giving other girls tons of attention...BUT YOU SIGNED UP FOR IT.
Anyways, after her crying spree, Sharleen attacks Juan Pablo with her mouth again and we all have to witness the horror for a second time in one night.
Crazy Clare then starts getting way too emotional, too and acts like a complete basketcase. She runs off to the bathroom and has her breakdown. Renee, of course, is there to comfort her as she has been for all the other girls that have cried like this thusfar.
These girls are dropping like flies.
Seriously, are they always like this? Maybe they have been, but this season just seems worse to me for some reason.
Clare says, and I quote verbatim: "This is really hard for me...because, um, like...I actually really, really like Juan Pablo."
OH SWEETIE.............
Spare me.
She then proceeds to say how scared she is. These girls are so annoying. They all say the same crap over and over again, relentlessly.
"I'm scared! I'm so scared! I'm so so scared! I don't want to go home and have to meet someone like NORMAL PEOPLE!" (sobs)
Clare wants more time with JP, she wants him to ask her out again... you had a date with him last week. Don't you realize what situation you are in? You're on a TV show. JP pulls her aside and is forced to deal with yet another girl breaking down...to which I say: good, you deserve it.
Clare tells him, "It's not a jealousy thing at all. I just...I wish it was me, you know?"
That is the definition of jealousy actually, but okay Clare.
As usual, I am beyond relieved when the Rose Ceremony finally arrives.
The women have all calmed down (I guess) and put on their party dresses. Bachelor JP comes out and starts handing out roses, but first Chris Harrison must let us all know how dire this is.
So he gives out roses:
1- Andi
2- Renee
3- Kelly
4- Sharleen
5- Elise (apprently their eye fucking was enough of a connection to save her another week)
6- Kat
7- Allison (even though her name is ALLI he just keeps calling her Allison)
8- Clare (eugh)
9- Lauren (who is that?)
10- Danielle (no really, who is THAT?!)
Thus sending Free Spirit Lucy (goodbye to all of my joy and entertainment for the remainder of this show) and Christy, whoever the hell that is?!
Christy cries, of course, even though I've maybe seen her for a minute and a half the past 3 weeks. She says the reason she is leaving is because she's not as open as the other girls, which yes, I agree since I don't even know who she is.
Lucy handles it surprisingly well, like a champ, and says she is glad that he kicked her off now before she got too attached. She then proceeds to wish that everyone there finds the happiness they seek.
My thoughts and summation for the week: I feel like there is no possible way you can connect with someone on a truly personal level by only having a few moments with them at a time, or on some cheesey, made-for-TV date that is not realistic in any way. It takes a long time to build a connection and build trust, sorry, but jumping off a bridge with someone on a bungree cord isn't going to make me feel more connected to you. At least to me, I can't imagine falling for someone in a few minutes...and these girls feel the need to compensate by putting their entire sob / life story out there to try and impress him...even when it just doesn't even seem genuine at all.
Also, I can't stand Juan Pablo and his homophobic comments in the news recently. You dropped the ball with this group, ABC, because I no longer even have a favorite and its week 3.
So bye.
Until next time,
Kaitie
xo
No comments:
Post a Comment