It's that time of year again, the time of Juan Pablo.
BETCHY BACHELOR MONDAY IS BACK Y'ALL. And I'm fiesty as ever.
I'll be writing about episode one, and not that part one, get to know Juan bull shit that was on on Sunday. This is about Monday night's beautiful premiere.
So let's get started.
Let's start with the obvious. The intro. What is with the cheesey music and graphics? This show has been on for four decades now. Don't you think they could afford something less corn-ball?
This year we are introduced to Juan Pablo, also known as Prince Naveen or the central character in every spicy, Latin romance novel ever.
Juan is from Venezuela, a former pro soccer player, and has a cute little daughter named Camila. He claims that he is looking for a good, genuine woman to be his wife and the mother of his child. I don't know about you, but when I am trying to find genuine people to spend my life with...the first thought that occurs to me is to move to L.A. and go on The Bachelor, too.
It doesn't take long for the episode to get rolling. Within minute number two we are finally able to see Juan Pablo without a shirt on. So thanks for that!
Juan introduces himself to us a bit, talking about his life and his quest for love, the usual shit, but mostly about Camila. Is it just me or every time he says his daughter's name does it sound like it was sound chopped in somehow? It just doesn't sound real at all. Like Siri or something.
Maybe that's just me.
As he is talking about his quest, they show him climbing some mountain somewhere, much like Sean the season before. So there is a lot of symbolism here...the main one being: love is a journey, and it is not easy. I appreciate the producers of this show sticking to the routine of letting us know this, because as average human beings we didn't already know.
Next, our very own Bachelor Sean comes to visit Juan and give him some manly advice about surviving through a month and a half of trying to choose a wife from a pool of attractive women. Sean has a sweet moment where he sits on the swingset with Camila adorably before they get to the chase. After that they attempt to have some discussion about how Juan should view this situation, "the journey vs. the adventure". Sean tells Juan to avoid kissing too much to which Bachelor JP says, "wow this is hard, this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.'
Before we can cut to the chase, there has to be a token shower scene with Bachelor JP lathering his naked body in soap. Now I know why my grandmother likes watching the premiere as opposed to the entire season so much.
After the commercial break we cut to Chris Harrison standing in front of Bachelor Mansion talking about how great Juan Pablo is. Chris is look spritely as ever and hasn't changed or aged a bit in the 45 years this show has been on.
We get introduced to some of the girls next in little intro videos (half of which don't even make the cut at the rose ceremony, btw...tricky tricky, ABC..) where we meet Chelsea, the fun loving gal from Columbus, OH (represent!) who likes to roam about and pop her head through trees, Renee, the single mom, who is basically perfect for JP because they are both from Florida and both have kids, Andi the lawyer who rocks a good ombre and seems like she is hiding something, Amy with the bangs who comes rolling in on a bike like "HI I'M AMY! AND I LIKE TO GIVE EROTIC MASSAGES!", Nikki the nurse who seems adorable but also kind of sneaky (like most girls, Nikki is adament about not settling...so going on the Bachelor where you have no choice but to fight for one guy is a great idea), Lauren the mineral coordinator (whatever the fuck that means) tells us her depressing-as-hell story about how her ex-fiance dumped her weeks before her wedding...she then stares sadly at her wedding dress (clearly she is ready for a new relationship), Valerie, the cowgirl/personal trainer who claims "not only am I pretty but I'm not afraid to file my nails and scratch a bitch to death" which isn't alarming at all, Lacy who might actually be an angel, who owns her own nursing home AT 25...Jeez. What have I done? Ya know?, finally we meet Clare, a hairstylist from Sacramento who shares her heartbreaking story about her father dying and recording a DVD for her future husband to watch. That's a hell of a random group, if you ask me.
After that crap, the limos are finally about to arrive!
First out is obviously Bachelor Juan Pablo and I'm pretty sure Chris Harrison has never looked more excited to see someone come out of a limo. You'd think he was the one about to get engaged or something. Then he drops this apparent bombshell that JP will not actually have 25 women to choose from...but 27!!! WHOA.
JP seems overwhelmed, but also like he might have been drinking a little beforehand.
Let's describe the limos in numerical order.
Limo 1-
General Feeling: Ecstasy (except when the door opens then everyone is awkward as hell)
Passengers of Limo-What to Remember:
Amy L. - red dress, very "excited", very "nervous", comes out strong with a big old hug like she's greeting her brother's best guy friend at his wedding or something
Cassandra - only 21 years old, very "excited", very "nervous", basically the same as Amy, feels very much like a conversation you'd have at a job interview
Christy - dressed in white with a white headband, looks like a bad wedding dress, very "excited", very "nervous", geeks out over Juan awkwardly
Christine (not to be confused with Christy, but also blonde) - a bit more controlled than the other girls, brings JP a gift for his daughter which is cute but also pretty brown-nosing
Nikki the Nurse - has him listen to her heart, so she has the vulnerability and memorability points right out of the gate
Limo 2-
General Feeling: Rambunctious to the point of needing sedation
Passengers- What to Remember
Kat - red dress, makes sure JP knows that she is a dancer (automatic rose), JP says she smells good
Chantel- makes sure she knows that Juan knows how to pronounce her name
Victoria - from Brazil
Lucy - Her job description is "free spirit" meaning that she absolutely will be my least favorite person but most favorite person to write about, not wearing shoes
Danielle - says she has a present for him inside and I'm hoping it's her wooden leg
Lauren S. - comes wheeling a fucking piano up Bachelor Drive and plays it terribly despite being a composer, makes sure JP knows that she is "super nervous"
Limo 3-
General Feeling: Pretty Frisky
Passengers- What to Remember
Chelsea - from Columbus, does a science experiment and makes sure it's super awkward and cringeworthy by using puns on chemistry
Valerie- cowgirl, makes sure to show JP her boots
Elise- first grade teacher, quiet, nervous, tells JP they have"so much in common and will talk later"
Ashley- also a first grade teacher, talks to JP like he is a first grader as well
Clare- comes out with a fucking fake pregnant belly on and JP thinks this is adorable? meanwhile, I'm very disturbed at the implications
Alli - comes out kicking a soccer ball (terribly), and implies to JP that she is "such a guy's girl" which automatically makes me think of my nemisis Erin Andrews and makes me dislike her
Renee- single mom, actually seems like the only natural one of this entire group
Maggie - country accent, gives him a fishing hook, loves fishin'
Molly (the dog) and Kelly (the human)- Kelly's job description is "dog lover" (does that mean I can tell people at parties when they ask me what I do that I am a "teriakyi sauce lover"?), gets lost on her way inside (because they haven't been doing the same fucking routine for the past 13+ seasons..) and Molly her dog is able to lead her to the door...thank God this girl has the animal companion, is all I can say.
Lacy - the angel, brings headache medicine from "Cupid's Pharmacy" (which Juan will clearly need for the wicked hangover he will have the next morning)
Alexis- bubbly and nervous like 99.99% of the other women
Ariel...I mean Kylie- red head, SO EXCITED, so excited that she runs inside within 7 seconds of talking to Juan
Sharleen- opera singer, from Canada/Germany, JP really, really likes her dress and will proceed to tell her so several more times, awkward and self-depricating, so I obviously like her
Andi- the last one, and the music changes, so obviously she is important, ombre haired lawyer, the only girl who actually flirts with Juan Pablo, surprisingly
After checking out the ass of every single woman who showed up, Juan Pablo says to the camera, "How am I going to do this? How am I going to send people home?"
Inside, the girls are all talking about how gorgeous Juan Pablo is when the man and legend himself appears. I haven't seen so many grown women screaming and weeping and shit since the New Kids on the Block reunion tour.
Bachelor Juan is funny because he actually seems to realize how crazed these women are and the way they are all looking at him with crazy eyes. He does what any normal person would do in this situation and drinks heavily. He turns on the music and has a dance party, there is also a photo booth in the mansion now which encourages female bonding, apparently. It becomes very clear that everyone is so drunk.
Nikki the nurse makes the first power move and grabs Bachelor Juan for some one-on-one. Next Renee, single mom, takes him for a few minutes. Free Spirit Lucy asks Juan "Do I really seem like I need extra confidence?" to which I say, "No. But you do seem like you need a fucking job." Lady Erotica takes Juan and makes him smell essential oils while she rubs his back.
Then Chris brings the coveted First Impression Rose into the room and the mood automatically shifts from goofy and crazy to pensive and serious. The music gets darker, shit is getting so real. The girls become more animalistic than Molly and begin losing their hair and shit.
Juan Pablo, meanwhile, continues to talk to the girls and is the first Bachelor is history to seem to really be absolutely terrible with names.
Typically, the most aggressive women seem to get time with the Bachelor during the initial meeting period, I've noticed. Because nothing says true love like extreme social aggressiveness.
The mineral coordinator is about to pop a gasket because she is not the center of attention. She has an emotional breakdown, as so many before her have. She is upset because she cannot get her time with him. WELL THEN GO GET HIM GIRL! It's been done before. You're not hot shit here, you're just like everyone else, ya little piranha.
Anyways, the creators of the show spent WAY too much time with this girl and how sad she is about not getting time with Juan because she feels rejected still from when her fiance dumped her (that's 4 and a half minutes of my life that I won't be getting back, fyi). She says, and I quote, "I want him to see the asset that I can be". Referring to yourself as an "asset" in terms of a relationship is really, really healthy lady! Seriously. This woman is so NOT ready to be on a reality show competition for love. What kind of sick fool accepted her?
As time is progressing through the meet and greet period of the show, I'm beginning to realize a few things:
1- Bachelor Juan has great facial expressions and I cannot tell if he's drunk or not but he really seems like it
2- These girls are my age, or only a bit older, and that makes me very, very concerned
3- The mansion looks huge but they all only stay in one to two rooms during this entire thing
Back to the details.
Andi and her ombre finally get some time with Bachelor Juan and once again the music changes, so I'm beginning to really think Andi is a top choice for Juan.
I like Sharleen, as well. She seems different and definitely doesn't seem like she wants to be there. So that's interesting in a lot of ways. Bachelor JP finds her interesting too because he gives her the holy grail, the First Impression Rose. And she accepts it as ungratefully as any normal human being probably would by saying "...sure, thanks."
Some might call Sharleen annoying and ungrateful, but I think she is realistic. She signed up for a reality show for god knows what reasons...but she is here and not like the others and definitely not into it. She even says that she doesn't know if she feels the chemistry with Juan...WHICH WHO WOULD AFTER ONLY MEETING SOMEONE FOR A FEW MINUTES? She says the connection seems "forced", which is pretty much hitting the nail on the head.
As much as I like her, she will most likely leave within the next few weeks because she's not as crazy and weird as the other girls. Despite Juan Pablo really liking her dress.
OK FINALLY. LET'S GET DOWN TO BUSINESS.
THE ROSE CEREMONY.
Let the dirty looks and self loathing begin.
Bachelor Juan Pablo sets a great example for his daughter and begins selecting future compatible partners from a group of 27 women...and here is the order:
1- obviously, Sharleen gets the FIR (First Impression Rose)
2- Clare (as a reminder, this is the lady with the fake pregnany belly)
3- Renee (single mom)
4- Nikki the Nurse
5- Lawyer Andi with cute ombre
These are Juan Pablo's first five picks, and in my opinion, the five most likely to make it far in the competition for love.
Meanwhile, they cut to a very nervous, panting Molly. (the dog, in case you forgot...although that Marketing Consultant in all white looked pretty pant-y too)
Let's continue...
6- Alli (soccer ball/guy's girl)
7- Chantel (the only black girl)
8- Lauren (piano girl)
9- Molly...and Kelly (dog lover)
10- Cassandra (21 year old, you old dog, you!..no offense, Molly)
11- Danielle (exotic, but forgettable)
12- Chelsea (Ohio girl)
13- Kat (dancer)...this part is funny because red-headed Kylie mistakingly thinks he said "Kylie" not Kat and steps forward, causing the most awkwardness ever to ensue on Bachelor, First Rose Ceremony History...omg...so mortifying...so hilarious. The best part is Juan Pablo wincing and whispering "I said Kat."
14- Victoria (Brazil, I think? can't remember)
15- Christy (nervous girl in all white)
16- Lucy (free spirit)...can we talk about how she twirled on her way back from getting her rose? Please give me a fucking break.
17- Elise (teacher, sweet, kind of boring)
18- Amy (no idea)
And the other girls get sent packing, including the massage girl who I am so glad didn't make it because she seemed nuts, Kylie the red head who thought her name was called but never was, Lauren the mineral consultant who had an emotional breakdown on night one and never should've been there in the first place after her traumatizing breakup, and other forgettable people.
Next, they showed previews for the upcoming season and it looks just as juicy as last season, so I cannot wait to share these weeks ahead with all of you...especially my lovely Russian fans.
So recap: I think Bachelor Juan Pablo is in way over his head. He had to turn to the drink after only the first night. He has goofy facial expressions and has no idea how fucking crazy some of these women will actually turn out to be. He's so clueless that he gave the FIR to a woman who doesn't even like him or want to be there.
JP will take Lawyer Andi, Nurse Nikki, Single Mom Renee, Fake Preggo Clare, and Sharleen (unless she leaves on her own) a far way, in my opinion.
I like the top five so far. I think they're all good for Juan, or as good as you can be just knowing someone from a reality show. I also like Elise, Kat, and Chelsea.
I can tell I'm going to despire Lucy and probably that girl with the dog.
This has been Betchy Bachelor Monday.
Until next time,
Kaitie
xoxo
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