Bachelorette JoJo kicks of the episode by talking about how hopeful she feels and how crazy this all is. The men are also very excited, in their too-tight for their size shirts.
The Resident Psycho, Chad, wastes no time making America hate him, and all of the men as well.
Papi H strolls in with his casual blue button down to give the first group date card which goes to my fave country boy, Luke - as well as Grant, Will, Evan, Daniel, Vinny, Ali, James F, Wells, and Robby. (with a Y, my apologies for spelling it Robbie yesterday)
There is a large crashing sound outside. The men run out to see a limo on fire, exploding in the driveway. Much like my love life.
Casual.
A fire truck pulls up, and Bachelorette JoJo hops out to extinguish the limo fire. Half of the men become erect and I am very uncomfortable about it.
At the mansion, Chad decides to do some sort of cross fit I've never heard. He hangs a suitcase from his belt and does some pull ups. The other men rightfully make fun of him.
Anyways, on to the date. The group date pulls up to the fire academy (on crack I think because it seems very intense). The chief informs them they will be competing to see who is the best firefighter. The winners gets some Qual Time with our girl J. Grant, the firefighter, obviously has a leg up. Did JoJo forget this was his career when she invited him on this date...? I feel like if he doesn't win it'll be pretty questionable.
Wells, the cute and quirky radio DJ, is not super confident in his abilities claiming he it not as ripped as some of these others machos. Would still totally make out with him though. He becomes a concern as the competition goes on as he looks like he in moments from passing out.
The chief says 'no go' and makes him take a break. Wells lays back, full of the exhaustion of being the ideal American macho man. J takes some time to sit with him and he manages to charm her in all his nerdy ways.
Meanwhile, back at the mansion, the guys are all spending some Qual Time bonding (whilst shirtless), writing fun songs about JoJo, as Chad looks on evilly from the side. He isn't a huge fan of the songwriting. In his defense, the song is actually very stupid.
Back on the date, the chief gives his scores for the top men to compete for J's heart in the firefighting competition - Luke, Grant, and...Wells?
Whatever.
The chief puts J on a rooftop and the three men will compete to see who can get to her and "save" her first.
Our country boy, Luke is actually in the lead. Wells, is as suspected, losing terribly. It becomes neck and neck!
Full of suspense, you guys.
Grant proves to be a successful firefighter, and wins. Luke seems very distraught and needs to honestly calm down. It's not that serious. Grant carries her down, a big knife in the heart apparently to all of these men who have known her a literal day.
Moving on. We go to - guess:
A- a Helicopter
B- a Hot Tub
C- a Rooftop Bar
The correct answer?
If you guessed C, you are correct!
So we're on the rooftop bar. The other men are very, very sad puppies while they watch Grant and JoJo spend some quality time together. Grant and J share a nice, long intimate kiss. Well, as intimate as a kiss can get with all of America watching.
Meanwhile...
Back at the mansion.
The next date card comes. Derek, the quiet yet attractive nerd-like one, surprisingly gets the one-on-one date! Not mad about it, y'all.
Back on the date, JoJo tries to get to know her suitors. She takes some time with Wells, who is exceedingly charming! (just please don't bring an acapella group out) He shows her some pics of his dog *swoon*
Luke, in the mean time, is getting antsy that he's not getting any time with her. He is jealous of the time the other men are getting with her. BUT DON'T WORRY, we know he's going to be a front-runner this season and will PROBABLY get the date rose.
Also, you can tell she really likes him.
Texas Forever.
they make out a bit, yee.
JoJo decides, though, to give the date rose to Wells, the CHARMING LOSER.
Luke is whiney about it - super sad. Like pull it together, man.
ON TO THE ONE-ON-ONE!
Derek is very pumped about having some fun with Jojo. Also, hey, Derek, you have reallllly dreamy blue eyes tbh. J comes and picks him up in her powder blue convertible, and he gets in the passenger seat. You go girl. She tells him they will be deciding their date together. How exciting!
They make decisions on where the date goes next together - but nothing too life changing. This isn't a "choose your own destiny" book or anything. IF ONLY. Those were so fucking fun.
They end up drinking wine on a picnic blanket overlooking the Golden Gate Bridge.
Also, how is JoJo so good at dating?
Can she give me some tips???
Meanwhile, back at the mansion, the men are still singing their dumb song which just includes a melodic tune and the repetition of JoJo. Chad sulks off on his own - but is now joined by Canadian/Fellow Psycho, Daniel, who for sure has a crush on Chad as they talk mad smack. What even is Daniel? He reminds me of something other worldly, but I can't put my finger on it. Maybe an actor in a commercial for athlete's foot medication?
Chad claims these nice guys are actually just being fake. He also uses some sort of protein shake analogy which is just not a safe zone for so many people. "If you blended these guys to make a protein shake...you would have...just like, a protein shake..."
Okay. Well. Maybe work on that a little.
The next date card arrives for Jordan, Christian, Nick, James T, Alex, and Chad get the group date. Chase, the hipster, and another guy I can't remember don't get any dates at all. They are sad about it. Resident Psycho Chad tells them it's no big deal. Wells defends his boys, "easy for you to say, your name is on that card!" Chad looks like he can snap at any moment.
Someone get him a protein shake immediately.
Back on the date, JoJo and Derek are having a good time. Derek seems like a super safe guy, like the actual only nice guy out of your boyfriend's douchebag friends that he hangs out with - the one no one understands why he's still single. Derek tells J he is afraid of opening up because of his past relationships aka his ex cheated on him.
Understandable.
The only way to get over that is to come on a reality TV show, for sure.
ALSO, he looks like Jim Halpert with black hair and that is very real.
She gives him a rose of course.
The group date heads to the ESPN studio. JoJo loves sports, and enlists the help of Sports Nation hosts. The men will be put through a series of challenges to see who is worthy of JoJo. Afterwards they will be power ranked, just like on Sports Nation. If only we all had Max Kellerman and Marcellus Wiley as our wingmen/stand-in brothers, AMIRIGHT ladies??
The first competition is a victory dance-off. LOL can't wait to see what Chad does.
Spoiler alert. Nothing impressive.
Next they have to spin their head on a baseball bat and run to J, getting on one knee, pretending to propose. It's all very silly. Chad is NOT A FAN of the silliness. He is very serious about this, and does not like the idea of a fake proposal. Chad simply asks, "Will you marry me?" this does not impress the others. J says she wants "more words", Chad says she is being nag-y.
oh boy.
The next round is a "press conference" round. The men are asked 'grilling' questions. And we are all...on the edge...of our seats.
During the "conference" the men are asked who they think has performed the worst today. Everyone answers with Chad, who grows exceedingly more defensive and angry claiming he is just trying to "keep it real"
Because "keeping it real' has worked for so many.
Chad calls Jordan an actor and fake. JoJo is confused as to why all of the men are dragging Chad so hard. Really, J, you don't see anything weird about him?
During Chad's interview, he has a bit of a hulk moment and freaks out on the other guys. "Keeping it real."
Marcellus and Max deliberate and give out the power rankings.
1- James, the singer songwriter
2- Chad, for his 'honesty'
3- Alex, War Vet
Chad is very mad because he thinks he is the only one being honest in the house. He can't tell JoJo what he loves about her because he doesn't know her. I get that, I do. But, like, this is the Bachelor. This isn't real life, bro. So why you here?????????
They move on to the drink portion of the evening. J says she is ready to pay attention to James - the singer, songwriter. J pulls him aside to talk. He reads her some sort of poem or something that he wrote for her. I guess just a note. He says very nice things. JoJo is very touched by this. They kiss a lil bit.
JoJo and Chad spend some time together. J appreciates his honesty. She does feel like he's over-compensating for something. She asks him about his past. He says it's been four years since he's dated seriously - that he's been concentrating on himself and work. Then tells her about his beautiful little dog (AWW, CHAD!) that he inherited from his mother...who passed away.
OH SHIT. OOOOH :(
He's becoming more likeable and the mother/baby dog things WORKED ON ME.
They share a cute moment and throw a coin in a wishing well.
She gives the date rose to James....and I will not lie, I was slightly disappointed she didn't give it to Chad??!? WHO AM I? WHAT HAVE I BECOME?
"He's like a super-villains that falls the main heroine," to quote my sister.
Like we hate him, and we know it's wrong, but we also want it. We also sort of ship it.
The rose ceremony is about to begin. The men are gathered, drinking, waiting for JoJo. One person is noticeably missing - Chad. He is waiting for her to get out of the limo outside. They share a few moments, they kiss, then they walk in together. POWER PLAY.
The guys are NOT PLEASED. Alex really doesn't like him. A group of men decide to confront Chad about his douche bagery. It's the most awkward petty shit I've ever seen. They ask him what his fucking problem is basically and Chad laughs them off - not believing this is real. I don't really believe it either. It's interesting that the guys confronting him are all the guys I put in my season hopefuls list last week...
Do I like Chad now?
I'm so problematic and conflicted.
Chase is upset that he didn't get a date with JoJo, but doesn't harp on about it. He pulls J aside and plans a little winter getaway for them (with fake snow). It's all very sweet. Chase is the "under the radar" guy that I think we can all appreciate.
Meanwhile, Chad is stress-eating. Also, he missed his protein shake. The guys are really judging him for eating so much, like so much shaming.
#LetChadEat
I am Chad.
Chad is me.
Also, have NEVER seen food at the rose ceremony cocktail hour before. Is this strictly a Bachelorette thing? Do the women on the Bachelor not get food during cocktail hour? Is this a sexism issue? Or do these buff heads just need their protein?
At least Chad has Daniel, who is clearly in love with him.
Alex gets a bit of time with JoJo, and Chad comes up to cut in. As if Alex didn't hate this guy enough...
The bros, once again, decide to shame Chad for his eating habits and confront him. Alex calls him an ass hole. "This is like if the carebears surround you and threaten to beat you up," Chad says. LOL
He's not wrong.
I'm so over this Chad saga. Like, just ignore him. This situation is making all of the other men look so petty and weak AF. Alex decides to CONFRONT CHAD FOR THE THIRD TIME after he hurts Evan's (the Viagra doctor) feelings. As if Evan is really going to win this show...
This is like every confrontation I've ever seen at a frat party or a sleazy night club. The threat of violence is "REAL"
Not really.
They need to chill. Everyone, chill.
Papi H is like...ok it's time to hand out some ROOOOOOOOSES BITCH.
(ps also how many fucking game shows can Steve Harvey host?)
Let us begin.
Remember, James T, Wells, and Derek are safe.
I'm going to let Chad write the rest of this blog.
1- Alex: "She's going to keep Alex around because she doesn't want America to think she hates short people" - Chad
2- Christian: "Christian, Christian, I don't even know who Christian is. Another short guy." - Chad
3- Robby: Chad has no commentary
4- Luke: YAY MY BOY!
5- Chase: undercover cutie
6- Jordan: guys I just decided although he is the other Rodgers, his hair is definitely too much
7- Grant: firefighter
8- Ali
9- Ali's eyebrows
9- Daniel: eugh really.
10- James: I FORGOT ABOUT THIS JAMES, I LIKE HIM
11- Nick: ooh, little Saint Nick!
12- Vinny: ew, come on
13- Evan: lives to see another day
14- Chad: DUH, I MEAN COME ON, and the sanctity of the rose and everything it stands for is WORTHLESS NOW (according to the dramatic, Alex)
We say goodbye to Will, one of the James (Bachelor Super Fan...bye) "that's probably for the best, he would've melted if she left him in the sun" - Kellie, and Hozier, sorry I mean the hipster.
Winners of the night:
Chad - this has officially turned into Chad's season of the Bachelorette
Wells - what a cutie, IMO
Chase - he may have hope to go far, y'all!
Derek - nice job getting that one-on-one
Vinny - there is literally no reason he should be there, so good for him
James T - getting that date rose! moving on up
Losers of the night:
Alex - I think he just generally needed to calm down and confronting someone three times is just trying to get attention and start trouble
Evan - for putting himself in the "victim" light, stop being a whiney baby
Christian - what was with that credits scene with him stripping and getting into a tub?? I was NOT a fan. it was not funny or cute, it was just awkward
James - being a Bachelor super fan will not get you that far in life
Number of times I felt uncomfortable:
7
Number of deli meats Chad consumed:
17
Gallons of sweat produced:
11
Until next time,
Kaitie
xo
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