But for real, I'm going to TRY to be a bit more brief than usual because four hours is a whole lot.
The episode starts off ominously, with the carnage of Resident Pyscho Chad's meat plates from the rose ceremony. There's a lot of sexual tension, obviously.
Papi H walks in and informs the gents that there will be two one-on-ones this week, and only one group date, and lays that first date card on the table. The first one-on-one date goes to Chase, who did not get a date at all last week.
We finally get to see Bachelorette JoJo fifteen minutes into the episode. JoJo wants to see if she can connect with Chase. "Are we gonna do some yoga?" Chase asks, as they literally stand right in front of a big ass red sign that reads "YOGA" in all caps. Trying not to hold this against him.
The yoga instructor informs the couple that this will be a very "intimate" experience, then asks them how long they've been "intimate" AS IF SHE DOESN'T KNOW THIS IS THE BACHELORETTE.
They do these weird exercises where they have temper tantrums, which isn't anything unusual for me. Most times I watch this show I roll around on the ground and scream of discomfort.
After the tantrums, they do this exercise where she literally just straddles him, sexy music Mulan music plays. Chase decides to kiss her. It's, like, really romantic(?)
"I'm lovin' yoga," Chase informs us.
After yoga, they share a romantic boring evening together. She gives him the date rose. duh.
Want to guess what happens next?
A- Helicopter ride
B- Rooftop bar
C- Hot tub
D- Awkward private concert
If you guessed, D, then you are correct.
When you find a formula that works, I guess you stick to it, ya know.
I like J and Chase. What's not to like tbh?
Meanwhile, back at the mansion, everyone is hating Chad. Chad and Daniel are in love. The group date card arrives and goes to: Jordan, Grant, Wells, James F, Christian, Ali, Daniel, Vinny, Nick, Evan, Alex, Chad.
Does this seem like A LOT of people to anyone else?
James T the songwriter, is sad that he is not getting a date (which like, let's be real he probably gets the one-on-one later..) and Chad is like "you can go for me, I'd rather not go"
Everyone is very outraged at this.
Chad claims that he would much rather go on a one-on-one, and would rather not go at all then go on a date with a bunch of other dudes. Jordan and Robby take great offense to this. Jordan is like, "you realize this is a dating show...right?"
Which, like, he's right.
Why does Chad think he is any different than these other guys?
This is what you signed up for.
I am so confused.
If you didn't want to compete with other men for a woman's love, then go on match.com or tinder like all the other fucking people in this universe.
Evan is like, "um we can cross your name out with a Sharpie if you don't want to go"
and Chad goes, "Hey, Evan, SHUT UP!" sounding like every douchebag in my highschool
Jordan says, "whatever team Chad is on let's hope it's a bench press and not a spelling bee" (or some shit like that) and everyone laughs.
Chad takes great offense and fires one back at Jordan, calling him a worthless has-been. Alex calls Chad a piece of shit. Chad calls him a bitch.
OH MY GOD THE TESTOSTERONE!!
And people think women are bad?!
Alex and Chad might actually fight you guys.
Also, you guys, I think Wells is the perfect guy for me. That's just a side-note.
J brings the guys to some theater. So they'll be doing some sort of performance. Great. This is great.
Some female comedian comes out and starts orgasming (not being dramatic, that's what she does) and talking about her sex stories. Which makes the guys super uncomfortable, which I LOVE. Chad looks exasperated. The host tells the audience that tonight is a special night where a bunch of people will be telling their deepest darkest sexual stories.............
This is a great first date. No, truly.
Best to get it all out in the open if you ask me.
Would love if Chad was like, "I'm a virgin."
J says she wants to see what these guys are made of. HAHA YASSS ME TOO. She considers sex to be a very important part of anyone's relationship - and people shouldn't be afraid to talk about it. I definitely agree with her. However, this is televised...and you are not intimate with any of these men YET....is all I'm saying. I get it but it's verging on crossing a line if you ask me!
Can you imagine if they did this on the Bachelor? the outrage
This show you guys.
Evan is super pumped because he loves talking about sex since it's his career as an erectile dysfunction specialist. God help us all for what he's about to divulge.
Daniel says he is comfortable talking about anything that has to do with the body, any bodily functions, anything weird. Yeah, Daniel, we are not surprised. God bless you, son.
"my life is my business, she hasn't earned the right to know about my sexual past yet," Chad whines.
oh boy.
Evan wants to mess with Chad today, and is going to fucking call Chad out. He'll also probably be murdered, so RIP Evan.
Nice knowing you.
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Think of all the men who will not be able to get their dicks hard because of Evan's helpful hand anymore :(
Firefighter Grant (fire emoji, fire emoji, fire emoji) kicks this shit off, and is very charming and nervous, but ends up killin' it. J is v. impressed.
JoJo is impressed with all the guys, she says "You know, I look at these guys and I see these adorable, kind mama's boys...but it turns out they're kinkier than I thought!"
LOL
Unsurprisingly, Daniel's story is completely psycho. "so she's tied up at this point, and I always carry a knife on me........."
"......so I cut a piece of her hair off."
THEN KILLED HER????
Daniel, get help.
ALRIGHT, IT'S EVAN'S TURN....nervous about it. He talks about the "dangers of using steroids" and begins to totally drag Chad. Daniel is sweating because he knows some shit is about to go down. Chad is fuming. Alex obviously is loving this and nods all along the way.
Wells, my sweet, innocent (minus the threesome story) Wells, is like "uh me and Evan are the smallest guys in the house and I would never pick on someone like Chad"
ME CHAD. ME BIG AND SCARY. ME MASCULINE.
Evan makes his way back to his seat. Of course, Chad is next up and they cross paths. JoJo goes to hug Evan and Chad pulls him off of her, ripping his shirt, making him stumble. A few other guys break up the "altercation." J is super confused and nervous. "Are you okay?!? What is going on?" as if she didn't know the steroid story was about Chad......uh....awkward times had by all.
For the "grand finale" (ugh so annoying how Chad is just completely stealing this show away at this point) Chad decides to bring J up to the stage. She's still shaken about Evan.
Chad is still fuming, he says "They don't know a thing about me," (in front of all of these strangers), "I'm not doing this, because today isn't about the past, it's about the future" then he leans down to kiss her and she turns her head away. Chad throws the microphone across the stage.
OOOOOH MAN.
YYEEEEEIKES.
Alex is LOVING this.
Afterwards, the guys go backstage while the crowd deliberates the winner. Chad gets violent now. The producers are salivating. However, this is actually a frightening situation.
This show is a joke. It's all in good fun. You suck it up and bear it. You don't choke a guy for messing with you. This isn't a boxing match!
Even Daniel is like "whoa bro, chill out." So that's saying something.
They move on to the cocktail hour.
Great, let's add more alcohol to this situation. That always makes things better.
Jordan pulls JoJo aside first and they talk about him being afraid to open up, but how he has a lot of feelings for her that scare him. Blah, blah, you know, the usual shit.
The rest of the one-on-one time is a complete montage. Which means its useless. As much as they are framing Chad as the bad guy, they're framing Jordan as the front runner.
BUT WHAT ABOUT WELLLLLLLS?
Evan and Chad are clearly in love with each other. Sexual tension.
In front of all the guys, Evan confronts Chad. OK I agree, Chad is a maniac. But Evan needs to chill out, too. they're both being little babies.
Meanwhile, back at the mansion...
Luke, Chase, Robby, and James T are lamenting and discussing how badly the group date is surely going. The one-on-one date card comes and goes to James Taylor, not THE James Taylor, but A James Taylor.
Not mad about it.
Back to the date though!
Chad is wasted, mixed with his Roid Rage, and crippling self doubt......not a good combo. He's lurking around, waiting for his time with JoJo, making fun of the other guys, making most of them feel uncomfortable. He finally has his time with J. She is trying to "figure him out."
I mean, you guys, really he probably needs some help. He did lose his mother not even a year ago. He shouldn't be on this show. He's clearly unstable.
THEN FUCKING "you know you ruined my shirt" EVAN comes waltzing out.........needing to tell JoJo THE TRUTH.
I'm done with these fuck boys, you guys.
WHERE IS WELLS?
Evan gives her the ultimatum: me or Chad. If Chad doesn't go home, Evan will be leaving. He tells her that she doesn't have to choose him, but she cannot end up with a guy like Chad. OK. That's fine. But Evan is annoying me nonetheless.
In JoJo's mind she's probably like, "Um I'm actually sending you both home this week. BYE."
but outside she's like "ooh yeah you've given me a lot to think about..."
Who the hell is she going to give the date rose to...?
She says that before she can give someone the rose, she wants to talk to Evan for a minute. She starts off saying she really likes him but isn't sure she can send Chad home. America knows she is about to send Evan home.
BUT WAIT.
Then she offers him the fucking date rose, "I don't know if you'll want this because I can't guarantee Chad is going home, tbh" - JoJo (basically)
"UM WAIT WAIT WAIT yeah I mean, yeah...love is worth getting punched in the face for, right? I'll take it!" - Evan "can't wait to tell me kids I made out with Jojo!" - Evan, making it weirder than it had to be.
She and and the dick doctor return to the group. J explains why she gave the rose to Evan (yeah, I would like to know personally) and Chad is making all kinds of weirded out faces. J stops what she's saying and looks at him, CLAWS OUT, "Do you have a problem, Chad?"
YAS GIRL, CALL HIM OUT!
It gets weird, of course, because this is Chad. She tells him he's being rude and disrespectful and she doesn't like this side of him.
What, the drunk, hyper-masculine, borderline violent side of him?
Can't imagine why.
The next day we find out the guys have requested A SECURITY GUARD WATCH OVER CHAD! lol Jesus...what is going on.
Let's move on to James Taylor (not THE James Taylor) and JoJo's one-on-one. The theme is "old school." They are in their 1940s garb. Can't help but think how perfect Wells would be for this date.
Sorry.
Moving on.
James T is very cute. What a nice young man, ya know?
We meet this precious BEAUTIFUL old lady is going to teach the youngsters how to SWING dance!
I love this precious GEM OF A WOMAN.
After their lesson, James and JoJo walk into a flashmob outside which has transported them back to 1944. They're clearly having a grand old time. I LIKE THEM TOGETHER. Not gonna lie.
Meanwhile, back at the mansion: Chad is eating. Weirdo Daniel informs Chad that the guys think he is scary. Chad eats a whole yam, and it's VERY DISTRACTING to me. Daniel tells Chad, "look, like I'm getting a bad rap for being friends with you. like let's say you're Hitler..."
Chad is like "WHOA, what?"
And Daniel is like, "alright, let's say you're Donald Trump."
I LITERALLY CAN'T WITH DANIEL.
Where did they find this guy?
Back to the date. J and James are chilling, watching the sun set and the moon rise. James talks about how kids used to make fun of him for being ugly when he was younger, and called him "long neck James."
poor white boy.
awh, I'm JK he's a sweet guy. Would love to see him go far.
BUT WELLS TOO OK?
oh wait...is he pulling out a guitar...
oh no.
no no
He wrote her a song.
oh no.
Afterwards he is like "go buy my song on iTunes *wink*!"
This is my nightmare.
If my future husband is reading this: please never do this to me.
Papi H comes around and says JoJo has decided there will not be a cocktail party tonight, but instead will be spending the day with the guys. an all day pool party. what fun.
"I don't know why they're so happy. I know they're happy to see her in a bathing suit. I would rather them NOT see her in a bathing suit. I can get a pretty good idea of what she looks like in a bathing suit," Chad says.
UGH CHAD, STOPPPPP.
Crazy domineering boyfriend statement #300 for this one.......
yuck
Papi H goes to leave and Evan awkwardly runs after him. I'm sure it's to talk about...who else...but Chad.
Evan tells Chris Harrison that he feels unsafe. Papi H is like, "ok i'll handle this baby" and goes to pull Chad aside. Papi basically is stirring the pot at this point. He says he will not be sending Chad home (for the ratings) but Chad needs to go "apologize" and "clear the air".
OH GOD I AM SWEATY.
The guys are all like "wtf" when Chad comes waltzing back in. Evan shits his pants.
TO BE CONTINUED.........
You guys. I can't believe how long this blog is.
I will genuinely try to keep the next part short, I promise.
Here we go: part 2.
What the fuck is going on you guys
Also, what are these necklaces they are all wearing???
THE VIOLENCE THE VIOLENCE AHHHGHHHHH
Chad walks in and "explains" himself. He says he will not be violent. We are all still nervous. My beautiful darling, Wells, is just like "hey I mean we just want to keep this is a safe environment" and Chad agrees. Awh, my sweet Wells, speaking on behalf of the group in a mature manner!
Gosh, this is all so fucking annoying.
It's like the show isn't even about JoJo WHO IS THE MAIN CHARACTER.
ON TO HAPPIER THINGS.
Pre-Rose Pool Party! yaaaaa
So much testosterone. So much homoerotica.
The guys do a dive into the pool for JoJo and Evan, of course, starts bleeding. Everyone looks at Chad who is hundreds of feet away like "WAIT IT WASN'T ME!" LOL NOW IT'S ALL FUN!
What are these NECKLACES? All of the men are wearing them. Did they make them? For the pool party?
Jordan and JoJo share a cute little romantic time together. Yes, we get it, this show WANTS Jordan to be the frontrunner. we know we know we know. what about Luke? JoJo tells Jordan she feels like he's closed off to her. I don't really see this. but he does seem slightly phony. just telling it like it is.
I'm over this Chad-saga. I realize these necklaces are their microphones for the pool party!!
Whew. Glad I figured that out.
Apparently Derek has a problem with Chad, too. I enjoy Derek, I really do. I think he's generally a good guy and not sure what happened behind the scenes for him to request a room change, but at this point I'm over it. when is this rose ceremony????????? I've had so much wine
Rose Ceremony time:
let us not forget, Evan, James T, and Chase (doesn't that date seem like ages ago?) are safe.
1- Firefighter Grant
2- Derek aka Jim Halpert
3- Jordan, the other Rodgers
4- Luke YAY (my top pick still)
5- Robby (where has this guy been?!)
6- Wells - YAY MY BABY!
7- James F
8- Vinny - REALLY STILL HERE?
9- Daniel - WHATTTTTTTTT is happening
10- Alex - our tough guy!
11- (final rose....) Chad..........................
oh JoJo.....what is going on
Thus, sending Christian, Saint Nick, and Ali get sent home. I really do not understand why she would keep Vinny, Daniel, and Chad over Nick...I thought she liked him?!
I'm so confused!
J tells the guys that remain they will be traveling away from the mansion. THANK GOD. Let's get this shit going. They head on out to Nemacolin, PA.
huh! alright, I'm here, JoJo, very well...I'm still watching. hour 3 with you.
The men arrive in their mansion in the woods. They revel in the time but not before the first date card comes. Luke gets the one-on-one. YYYYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAY! I love Luke so much. I really think he's a genuine guy, and they would be good together.
Plus their date involves sled dogs!!! DOGS!
Guess what comes next?
A- Helicopter ride
B- Awkward private concert
C- Hot tub
D- Rooftop bar
If you guessed C, you are correct.
they take a dip into the hot tub and good god Luke has a nice body, and his dog tag around his neck?
I LOVE HIM SO MUCH.
Like I realize he and Wells are totally different but they are both my exact type. does that make sense?
This isn't about me.
Moving on.
He adorably helps her into the hot tub and they bond, as I always hoped they would!
Meanwhile, back at the woodland mansion, Chad is steaming, muscles rippling, veins popping out as he discusses how everyone keeps poking the bear. Producers use this opportunity to show an actual bear in the woods...nice. The date card arrives. Derek, James T, Daniel, Chase, Wells, Vinny, James F, Evan, Grant, Jordan, and Robby get the group date.
which means Chad and Alex are apparently getting the two-on-one date. UGH GOD. Could the producers have planned that any better? Honestly. Alex clearly hates Chad. Almost as much as Evan does.
Back to the date.
JoJo and Luke continue their trip down chemistry lane. I LOVE THEM SO MUCH. I love him. I can't say this enough. JoJo wants to learn more about him and why he is the way he is (quiet, rugged, mysterious). Luke talks about his experience as a small town boy on a ranch from Texas who got into West Point on a football scholarship. From there went into the military and talks briefly about his experience in Afghanistan.
I'm sorry but Luke is HEAD AND SHOULDERS above these other guys.
How many times can JoJo say someone has "really impressed" her?
God love her.
she gives him the rose. DUH.
J tells him she has "one more surprise"
Do you guys want to guess again?
A- hot tub
B- rooftop bar
C- awkward private concert
D- helicopter ride
If you guessed C, you would be correct.
Except, they are not alone, they walk into a crowded concert hall of people. They dance on stage just the two of them. It's not as awkward as usual though. They're super cute.
Group date time!
at Heinz Field.
ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
yuck. (Go Browns)
Ben Rapist-berger is standing there. gross. Can I fast forward this date?
Other players come out who cares. Hines Ward. No big deal.
"It's not everyday my guys get to hang out with football legends," J says (um except Jordan is literally the brother of Aaron Rodgers...does she not know this?)
The men do some football warmups. Where the FUCK is Tim Riggins right now?
JoJo tells Big Ben her top guys (Chase, Jordan, James T, and...Evan...)
The gents are getting aggressive AF. I'll tell you what, there's a LOT of sexual tension. That's all I know.
James F literally makes James T BLEED. The medic tells James T, "Um, you need stitches" as he bleeds from his eye and he's like "um but I want to finish this first!!" so there's just like bandages all over his eye now, he looks like he's beet shot.
Hines Ward splits them up into two teams. The winning team gets to move on to the evening date with J.
Meanwhile, back at the mansion Luke is stuck in the middle is Alex and Chad as they await their two-on-one date card.
The blue team takes the W which means Vinny, Evan, Derek, Robby, Jordan, and James T get to continue on the date while the others go home (the losers are verrrrry devastated).
So much masculine man pain, y'all.
Robby finally gets some alone time with JoJo, and spends most of it making out with her.
Jordan gets jealous seeing her with the other guys and WANTS HIS DAMN TIME.
JoJo tells Jordan she still isn't sure about him. He's like "ugh shit I've got to do something to show her I care...." so he tells her he's falling in love with her. Appropriate response...obviously logical.
JoJo is like "yes, this is what I needed from him!"
What?
You forced it out of him though.
Whatever. It's enough to get him the date rose. I'm not going to lie to you all, I don't know if I am Team Jordan.
Meanwhile....back at the mansion. The dreaded date card arrives.
The men all sit around and Chad gets mad again. I feel like I've seen this before.
Who in this house has Chad NOT shouted at? How can even sweet Grant be so fed up he wants to physically fight Chad? Get him out of here, ugh this is so annoying. the ratings. I KNOW it's for the ratings...but please, dear God. Enough is enough. this is JoJo's show, not Chad's!!!
Chad threatens to find Jordan and kill him after the show.
so that's real.
The entire group sit in awkward and complete silence while Alex and Chad wait for the car or whatever to pick them up.
Ah, a helicopter!
Damn! Should've known.
They sit in silence obviously, and arrive to J. She takes them on a hike through the woods. Will a bear please maul Chad? The Revenant 2?
Alex has his alone time with J and unloads the whole story on Chad. As if she really had no idea. Oh, please. Unless the producers really tried to keep it from her?
She pulls Chad aside next and asks him what is going on and why he is threatening people. He tries to defend himself terribly. JoJo is horrified and walks away, knowing she has to think this through.
Um. What is there to think about?
Chad whistles like every murderer does as he approaches Alex...ugh god. Can we not?
Alex is super sexy. I'm just letting you all know.
They duke it out (verbally)
Alex brings up a good point, "why do you always have to go to violence?"
J comes to them, interrupts their fight and asks Chad point blank if he has threatened anyone.
He gives her a hazy answer - although there is proof - on camera.
She tells him "physical violence is not the answer" and gives the rose to Alex. OH DAMN.
Alex and J walk off romantically.
Back at the mansion, some producer comes and takes Chad's bag. The other men celebrate, pop some bottles.
Finally.
Thank god this saga is over.
oh but wait. IT'S NOT.
Because Chad is like, "She's fake, she's an actress...great. now I have to go find Alex!"
then they show him fucking going through the woods at night...walking BACK to the mansion.
oh please. spare me.
And Alex and J are in some cabin, drinking wine, and talking while this psycho wanders.
Chad knocks on the door, then rubs his hands down the window. I can't with this guy. I really cannot.
"Hey, Chad's at the door," James F says nonchalantly. they think he's kidding but he's like, "um, no he's really there."
TO BE CONTINUED!!!!!!!!!!!?
Again?!
Ugh, Chad.
Two weeks till the next ep. And thank god. I need a break.
I'm not doing winners/losers because I'm exhausted. Thank you if you made it this far.
Until next time,
Kaitie
xo
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