Betchy Bachelor Monday: Episode 2

Hey everyone.

It's Betchy Bachelor Monday (Tuesday) time.



Juan Pablo...I am NOT pleased with you this week. Not even a bit.



Let me start off by saying: can you even imagine how much it would suck to actually have to build a connection with someone who was dating 16 other women at the same time? And act like you were okay with it? This is further proof that these women are complete egomaniacs, in a big way.

The episode starts off with Crazy Clare getting the first date card from Bachelor Juan. All of the girls pretend to be really, really excited for her even though it's all total fakeness. In a confessional, Clare tells the camera i.e. us that she is not the type of woman to meet some guy at a bar and she doesn't go out to meet people like that because it doesn't seem real or genuine. Then I actually feel sorry for her that she thinks going on a reality show is a real and genuine way to fall in love. And don't give us this "I'm not a fake person" bull shit when you put on a fake pregnancy belly last week upon first meeting Juan Pablo.
Because that's creepy, you fucking weirdo.
She then proceeds to say: "I'm so excited that this adventure is starting for me!"...and 16 other women.

Anyways. Bachelor Juan picks her up and all of the girls seem super supportive and excited for Crazy Clare. He then blindfolds her which is my worst nightmare.
I made a deal with myself a long time ago that I would never let a man blindfold me in fear that I would wake up HALF DEAD IN A DITCH. But apparently Clare is into it. And maybe I'm really not romantic at all...who knows.

So the date card she got from JP says "let's chill" which can only mean one thing: playing in fake snow. JP and Crazy Clare frolic and she is laughing like she is having the best time playing in fake snow of anyone EVER. Seriously, this girl's giggling is absolutely out of control. She just keeps talking about what a big risk this for her, blah, blah, blah.
Then they start ice skating, which is the worst sport ever...and she keeps almost falling, which she is probably faking. If she's being serious then she is absolutely terrible at ice skating...which I can respect because I have too and it is an awful, awful hobby.
But my money's on that she's faking it and she's using allllll the tricks in the book.



Another great quote by Clare.

The music proceeds to be cheesy as hell and I cannot believe that the producers CONTINUE TO NOT HIRE SOMEONE TO REPRODUCE THESE MUSIC. During this musical interlude we have the token hot tub scene where JP and Clare bond together. Clare opens up to Bachelor Juan about her father and what he meant to her/how he died. And I feel bad for her, really, I do. I don't believe this part of her in ingenuine or anything.
However, as she is telling him all this she is massaging his back in a hot tub with her boobs pressed up against him.
Talk about a boner killer.
Next, Bachelor JP and Clare go and awkwardly dance on a towel in the fake snow to some B-list country singer/snow yeti that could only get a gig doing a Bachelor Hot Tub performance. Clare proceeds to touch Juan a bit more than I personally think is necessary for someone who just met the guy but hey...what do I know about reality love?
Clare and JP kiss and then she tells him that he "tastes like snow" and did you guys know snow had a flavor? Because I didn't. Where do the producers find these fucking people?
By the end of the date, all is well and Juan Pablo gives Crazy Clare the rose of safety.

Meanwhile, back at Bachelor Mansion, the girls are all "bonding" (as love competitors often do). Free Spirit Lucy decides to let it all hang out in the hot tub and none are surprised. (Hint: It's because she's so free) Molly, the dog, runs in with the next date card and I'm hoping the dog's stupid owner stays so that we can see this dog for the weeks to come because it's a very amazing dog.

So Kat, the girl that made sure Bachelor Juan Pablo knew she was a dancer, gets the date card and I'm guessing she will actually have to prove in some way that she is in fact a dancer.

For his second date with the lovely Kat, Bachelor JP takes her on a plane, makes her change into this ridiculous work out outfit and then they land in Salt Lake City and partake in what I can only describe as a rave/5k which actually looks kind of fun except that it's forced.

After the race, there is this concert thing and Kat and Juan go on stage and...dance, of course. And I must say, I'm not all that impressed with Kat's skillz. I think I could maybe even out dance her. And for those of you who don't personally know me or couldn't already guess, I'm very awkward and not at all a good dancer. So take that as you will.



Aside from this giant party, Kat and Juan's date goes on to be quite unmemorable.

After this, the girls get their GROUP DATE INVITES...and group dates are always extremely entertaining. The date card reads "be ready to say cheese" or something stupid like that and Genuis, Dog Lover, Kelly isn't sure if that means they are going to be taking photographs or testing cheeses.

Thank God this girl has a dog to watch over her.
When it becomes clear that they will in fact be going to a photoshoot...with dogs, nonetheless, Kelly absolutely orgasms.

In case you missed that, yes, Bachelor Juan takes his group date of egocentric women to a PHOTOSHOOT. Because that...is an excellent idea...
Someone is bound to lose it.



Lucy tells the girls that she is happy she got asked on a group date, and was actually hoping for it, because she "flourishes" in getting attention in larger groups. And I don't see how she couldn't considering she's always partially naked or insane.

So the dogs are very adorable and everyone is given outfits/costumes to dress up in. Chelsi does Ohio proud by being funny and a trooper with her ridiculous outfit. Free Spirit Lucy is asked to wear a fire hydrant costume. Kelly, ironically, is dressed as a dog and looks like some weird space creature with spots.

And now here in the episode is where I get really pissed off.



Andi and Elise are asked to do a nude photoshoot with Juan Pablo. HELLLLOOOOO.
That's weird.

Of course, lawyer Andi, who probably has to deal with putting creeps who prey on women in jail is now being asked to pose naked in front of millions of viewers? And Elise is a first grade teacher. Naturally, neither of them want to do it. And who can blame them? I sure as hell don't.

Elise manages to switch with Free Spirit Lucy (who has no problem being naked, of course) and poses in the fire hydrant costume instead.

Andi, however, isn't as lucky and proceeds to have a slight freak out...which I don't blame her for. Bachelor Juan sees that she is upset and decides to be a stand up fucking guy and sits her down to discuss. He tells her that he is posing nude with her (which...um, is that supposed to make her feel better?) and that this is for a good cause.

OH OKAY.

So I should abandon whatever principals I have left (after losing most of them for signing up for this dumb, fake show) to help save dogs?

I love dogs more than most, ask anyone...but I would never pose nude for them. There are other ways to show support. I don't get why them being naked was so crucial...and I don't like how Juan Pablo was so nonchalant and nonunderstanding about it. SO WHAT if it's for charity? "IT'S FOR THE DOGS"

You know what? GO FUCK YOURSELF.



Juan Pablo, I am not enthused with you. What kind of message is that sending your young daughter who you love so much? He is such a whore.

Usually it takes me about three episodes to really start disliking the Bachelor, but congrats Juan Pablo, it only took you one and a half episodes to make me dislike you.

Anyways. She ends up doing it, which I'm kind of disappointed about. But also not surprised about.

After all that photoshoot bull shit, Bachelor JP takes the girls up to a rooftop pool where I know someone is bound to jump in. (Bet is on Lucy)

He takes this time to get to know the girls but some girls can't handle not being in the spotlight the whole time and lash out quite a bit.

INTERLUDE: At this point my father walked in the room as my mother and I are watching and goes "How come these people fall in love so fast? Don't people think it's kind of phony?"
Um yes, Dad. No one actually believes this is real.

Oh...
You did?
Sorry.

Don't be dumb.

How could you think this was genuine with THAT CORNY MUSIC?!

Back to the group date...

So 21 year old, former NBA Dancer, Cassandra is nervous to tell Juan that she has a son...which I think is odd considering he has a daughter..? Why would she think he would judge her? It becomes apparent in this scene where she is nervously telling him about her son that she is very obviously only 21 and probably not ready for this.
Also, JP is super, super, SUPER close to her face as she is telling him this. And I'm sorry, once again, maybe I'm not romantic but that is wayyy too close for comfort. I can't even imagine trying to tell someone I barely know something personal and having them all up in my grill in that.
I'm also very self aware of my breath which is why you always see me chewing gum, but what if, like my breath smelled?!

Next, JP talks to Single Mom Renee, and they talk about their kids and peck and it's super boring.

Everyone is wanting that one on one, but no one seems to want it more than Victoria who I didn't even know about until tonight. She wants a date with JP so badly that she takes all of that energy and focuses it on getting compeltely shitfaced on champagne.

She says some pretty fun things like "That's what life is all about...straddling people...and things" and "Hymen Maneuver."

As Victoria is getting more and more plastered, Nikki the Nurse has her one on one time with Juan. Victoria decides to photobomb the date and walks over like a creep before turning away.

Then Bachelor JP does something so annoying and goes "Awe, poor Victoria."

WHAT?! Shut the fuck up, Juan.

So Victoria continues on with her drunken rant and starts yelling at everyone that she wants to go home. It gets to the point where a Bachelor producer gets involved and let me just say he looks nothing like what I would expect a Bachelor producer to look like but instead like some drummer in a metal band.

They clearly need a better screening process for getting these women on this show because Victoria isn't just typically crazy like the rest of them, but like take-a-lock-of-your-hair-while-you-sleep crazy.

 

She just didn't like having to compete with other women for attention, so she snapped. Moral of the story.

So the girls all talk shit about her and make fun of her as this is happening, which whatever, we'd all do it...but then after Bachelor Juan attempts to talk to Victoria he comes out and tells the girls he is worried for her and the girls just completely shift moods.
One minute they're laughing and giggling about how crazy she is, the next they're going "Awwe, yeah, poor thing" in front of Juan.

HELLO, HOW CAN YOU NOT HATE THESE PEOPLE?

For some really weird reason, Bachelor Juan gives Dog Lover Kelly the rose.
Excuse me? Why?

How could you even think to proceed in this "journey of love" with someone who, when people ask what her job is, says she is  A DOG LOVER?!

Whatever, Juan.

The next day Victoria is hungover as shit, and clearly embarassed. She tries to apologize and come up with excuses, saying that she "feels everything very strongly" (which is super attractive to any guy...) but Juan kicks her out because he says that can't have some hot mess around his daughter.

FINALLY, WE ARRIVE AT THE ROSE CEREMONY...THANK GOD.



We need to get some people out of here.

So before the ceremony, Juan takes some time to talk to the girls that he didn't get to take on any dates. Crazy Amy, who is not very memorable, decides to use her time with Juan to interview him..?  and JP uses his catchphrase of the night: "Oooh, okay..."
He then talks to Sharleen, who apologizes for being so ungrateful for the FIR from last week and she actually seems down-to-earth and freaked out by this whole thing, as she should be.

Meanwhile, inside, 21 Year Old Cassandra is having a full on, emotional breakdown. She begins the night by acting like what happened with Victoria will somehow be reflected on her? I don't know, but she's freaking out.
She keeps saying "It's really hard for me...with my son...so..." but doesn't finish the sentence! I guess I don't get it because I don't have a kid...but I really don't get why she is using her son as an excuse? Wasn't she aware of all of this when she signed up?
Has she not watched this show before? (the show probably first premiered when she was 11, but whatever)
OK so she doesn't want to compete with other girls for a husband. Great. So don't join the show. She is 21 years old, and gorgeous. I do not dislike her...but this is not IT FOR HER. You can't go on a reality show for love hoping for the "Real Deal."
It's not gonna happen, honey.
Her whole breakdown further proves just how young she is.

Finally, the ceremony finally takes place.
Juan Pablo calls Cassandra first, so apparently all the crying worked, then Nikki the Nurse, Lawyer Andi, Elise, Sharleen, Single Mom Renee, Danielle (WHO IS THAT, by the way?), Lucy (gag), Allison (thought her name was Alli but apparently Bachelor JP wanted to call her Allison. If a guy ever called me Kaitlin, I'd strangle him and walk away forever), Chelsie, Lauren (who I just remembered is the piano lady), and then Chris Harrison comes out and makes sure we all know that the final rose is about to be given...to which we all say "THANKS CHRIS"
And Bachelor Juan calls.....Christy, whoever that is.
So he sends home Chantel and Amy, the one who interviewed him earlier in the night.
No one is really all that devastated.

What I learned from this episode is that these women are completely clueless when it comes to this situation.
Most of these women have gone their whole lives being "the prettiest girl in the room." They are used to getting men, they are used to getting hit on, and being the center of attention.
And now that they are no longer the only pretty girl in the room, they cannot handle it.
Some REALLY can't handle it and they have breakdowns because of it.

I feel that.
To have to actually compete for one man with a bunch of other really gorgeous women.... it's a nightmare.
My personal nightmare is losing my cable the night Game of Thrones premieres or the Keurig breaking...but some girls consider not having a man's attention all the time as being a horrifying nightmare.
So whatever. To each their own.

Until next time,

Kaitie
xo

Betchy Bachelor Monday: Episode 1, Juan Pablo

Hello friends.

It's that time of year again, the time of Juan Pablo.

BETCHY BACHELOR MONDAY IS BACK Y'ALL. And I'm fiesty as ever.



I'll be writing about episode one, and not that part one, get to know Juan bull shit that was on on Sunday. This is about Monday night's beautiful premiere.

So let's get started.




Let's start with the obvious. The intro. What is with the cheesey music and graphics? This show has been on for four decades now. Don't you think they could afford something less corn-ball?
This year we are introduced to Juan Pablo, also known as Prince Naveen or the central character in every spicy, Latin romance novel ever.
Juan is from Venezuela, a former pro soccer player, and has a cute little daughter named Camila. He claims that he is looking for a good, genuine woman to be his wife and the mother of his child. I don't know about you, but when I am trying to find genuine people to spend my life with...the first thought that occurs to me is to move to L.A. and go on The Bachelor, too.



It doesn't take long for the episode to get rolling. Within minute number two we are finally able to see Juan Pablo without a shirt on. So thanks for that!



Juan introduces himself to us a bit, talking about his life and his quest for love, the usual shit, but mostly about Camila. Is it just me or every time he says his daughter's name does it sound like it was sound chopped in somehow? It just doesn't sound real at all. Like Siri or something.
Maybe that's just me.

As he is talking about his quest, they show him climbing some mountain somewhere, much like Sean the season before. So there is a lot of symbolism here...the main one being: love is a journey, and it is not easy. I appreciate the producers of this show sticking to the routine of letting us know this, because as average human beings we didn't already know.

Next, our very own Bachelor Sean comes to visit Juan and give him some manly advice about surviving through a month and a half of trying to choose a wife from a pool of attractive women. Sean has a sweet moment where he sits on the swingset with Camila adorably before they get to the chase. After that they attempt to have some discussion about how Juan should view this situation, "the journey vs. the adventure". Sean tells Juan to avoid kissing too much to which Bachelor JP says, "wow this is hard, this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.'




Before we can cut to the chase, there has to be a token shower scene with Bachelor JP lathering his naked body in soap. Now I know why my grandmother likes watching the premiere as opposed to the entire season so much.

After the commercial break we cut to Chris Harrison standing in front of Bachelor Mansion talking about how great Juan Pablo is. Chris is look spritely as ever and hasn't changed or aged a bit in the 45 years this show has been on.



We get introduced to some of the girls next in little intro videos (half of which don't even make the cut at the rose ceremony, btw...tricky tricky, ABC..) where we meet Chelsea, the fun loving gal from Columbus, OH (represent!) who likes to roam about and pop her head through trees, Renee, the single mom, who is basically perfect for JP because they are both from Florida and both have kids, Andi the lawyer who rocks a good ombre and seems like she is hiding something, Amy with the bangs who comes rolling in on a bike like "HI I'M AMY! AND I LIKE TO GIVE EROTIC MASSAGES!", Nikki the nurse who seems adorable but also kind of sneaky (like most girls, Nikki is adament about not settling...so going on the Bachelor where you have no choice but to fight for one guy is a great idea), Lauren the mineral coordinator (whatever the fuck that means) tells us her depressing-as-hell story about how her ex-fiance dumped her weeks before her wedding...she then stares sadly at her wedding dress (clearly she is ready for a new relationship), Valerie, the cowgirl/personal trainer who claims "not only am I pretty but I'm not afraid to file my nails and scratch a bitch to death" which isn't alarming at all, Lacy who might actually be an angel, who owns her own nursing home AT 25...Jeez. What have I done? Ya know?, finally we meet Clare, a hairstylist from Sacramento who shares her heartbreaking story about her father dying and recording a DVD for her future husband to watch. That's a hell of a random group, if you ask me.

After that crap, the limos are finally about to arrive!
First out is obviously Bachelor Juan Pablo and I'm pretty sure Chris Harrison has never looked more excited to see someone come out of a limo. You'd think he was the one about to get engaged or something. Then he drops this apparent bombshell that JP will not actually have 25 women to choose from...but 27!!! WHOA.

JP seems overwhelmed, but also like he might have been drinking a little beforehand.

Let's describe the limos in numerical order.

Limo 1-
General Feeling: Ecstasy (except when the door opens then everyone is awkward as hell)


Passengers of Limo-What to Remember:
Amy L. - red dress, very "excited", very "nervous", comes out strong with a big old hug like she's greeting her brother's best guy friend at his wedding or something
Cassandra - only 21 years old, very "excited", very "nervous", basically the same as Amy, feels very much like a conversation you'd have at a job interview
Christy - dressed in white with a white headband, looks like a bad wedding dress, very "excited", very "nervous", geeks out over Juan awkwardly
Christine (not to be confused with Christy, but also blonde) - a bit more controlled than the other girls, brings JP a gift for his daughter which is cute but also pretty brown-nosing
Nikki the Nurse - has him listen to her heart, so she has the vulnerability and memorability points right out of the gate

Limo 2-
General Feeling: Rambunctious  to the point of needing sedation


Passengers- What to Remember
Kat - red dress, makes sure JP knows that she is a dancer (automatic rose), JP says she smells good
Chantel- makes sure she knows that Juan knows how to pronounce her name
Victoria - from Brazil
Lucy - Her job description is "free spirit" meaning that she absolutely will be my least favorite person but most favorite person to write about, not wearing shoes
Danielle - says she has a present for him inside and I'm hoping it's her wooden leg
Lauren S. - comes wheeling a fucking piano up Bachelor Drive and plays it terribly despite being a composer, makes sure JP knows that she is "super nervous"

Limo 3-
General Feeling: Pretty Frisky


Passengers- What to Remember
Chelsea - from Columbus, does a science experiment and makes sure it's super awkward and cringeworthy by using puns on chemistry
Valerie- cowgirl, makes sure to show JP her boots
Elise- first grade teacher, quiet, nervous, tells JP they have"so much in common and will talk later"
Ashley- also a first grade teacher, talks to JP like he is a first grader as well
Clare- comes out with a fucking fake pregnant belly on and JP thinks this is adorable? meanwhile, I'm very disturbed at the implications
Alli - comes out kicking a soccer ball (terribly), and implies to JP that she is "such a guy's girl" which automatically makes me think of my nemisis Erin Andrews and makes me dislike her
Renee- single mom, actually seems like the only natural one of this entire group
Maggie - country accent, gives him a fishing hook, loves fishin'
Molly (the dog) and Kelly (the human)- Kelly's job description is "dog lover" (does that mean I can tell people at parties when they ask me what I do that I am a "teriakyi sauce lover"?), gets lost on her way inside (because they haven't been doing the same fucking routine for the past 13+ seasons..) and Molly her dog is able to lead her to the door...thank God this girl has the animal companion, is all I can say.
Lacy - the angel, brings headache medicine from "Cupid's Pharmacy" (which Juan will clearly need for the wicked hangover he will have the next morning)
Alexis- bubbly and nervous like 99.99% of the other women
Ariel...I mean Kylie- red head, SO EXCITED, so excited that she runs inside within 7 seconds of talking to Juan
Sharleen- opera singer, from Canada/Germany, JP really, really likes her dress and will proceed to tell her so several more times, awkward and self-depricating, so I obviously like her
Andi- the last one, and the music changes, so obviously she is important, ombre haired lawyer, the only girl who actually flirts with Juan Pablo, surprisingly

After checking out the ass of every single woman who showed up, Juan Pablo says to the camera, "How am I going to do this? How am I going to send people home?"

Inside, the girls are all talking about how gorgeous Juan Pablo is when the man and legend himself appears. I haven't seen so many grown women screaming and weeping and shit since the New Kids on the Block reunion tour.



Bachelor Juan is funny because he actually seems to realize how crazed these women are and the way they are all looking at him with crazy eyes. He does what any normal person would do in this situation and drinks heavily. He turns on the music and has a dance party, there is also a photo booth in the mansion now which encourages female bonding, apparently. It becomes very clear that everyone is so drunk.

Nikki the nurse makes the first power move and grabs Bachelor Juan for some one-on-one. Next Renee, single mom, takes him for a few minutes. Free Spirit Lucy asks Juan "Do I really seem like I need extra confidence?" to which I say, "No. But you do seem like you need a fucking job." Lady Erotica takes Juan and makes him smell essential oils while she rubs his back.

 here she is, my new nemisis, Lucy, Free Spirit

Then Chris brings the coveted First Impression Rose into the room and the mood automatically shifts from goofy and crazy to pensive and serious. The music gets darker, shit is getting so real. The girls become more animalistic than Molly and begin losing their hair and shit.




Juan Pablo, meanwhile, continues to talk to the girls and is the first Bachelor is history to seem to really be absolutely terrible with names.
Typically, the most aggressive women seem to get time with the Bachelor during the initial meeting period, I've noticed. Because nothing says true love like extreme social aggressiveness.

The mineral coordinator is about to pop a gasket because she is not the center of attention. She has an emotional breakdown, as so many before her have. She is upset because she cannot get her time with him. WELL THEN GO GET HIM GIRL! It's been done before. You're not hot shit here, you're just like everyone else, ya little piranha.
Anyways, the creators of the show spent WAY too much time with this girl and how sad she is about not getting time with Juan because she feels rejected still from when her fiance dumped her (that's 4 and a half minutes of my life that I won't be getting back, fyi). She says, and I quote, "I want him to see the asset that I can be". Referring to yourself as an "asset" in terms of a relationship is really, really healthy lady! Seriously. This woman is so NOT ready to be on a reality show competition for love. What kind of sick fool accepted her?



As time is progressing through the meet and greet period of the show, I'm beginning to realize a few things:
1- Bachelor Juan has great facial expressions and I cannot tell if he's drunk or not but he really seems like it


2- These girls are my age, or only a bit older, and that makes me very, very concerned
3- The mansion looks huge but they all only stay in one to two rooms during this entire thing

Back to the details.

Andi and her ombre finally get some time with Bachelor Juan and once again the music changes, so I'm beginning to really think Andi is a top choice for Juan.

I like Sharleen, as well. She seems different and definitely doesn't seem like she wants to be there. So that's interesting in a lot of ways. Bachelor JP finds her interesting too because he gives her the holy grail, the First Impression Rose. And she accepts it as ungratefully as any normal human being probably would by saying "...sure, thanks."
Some might call Sharleen annoying and ungrateful, but I think she is realistic. She signed up for a reality show for god knows what reasons...but she is here and not like the others and definitely not into it. She even says that she doesn't know if she feels the chemistry with Juan...WHICH WHO WOULD AFTER ONLY MEETING SOMEONE FOR A FEW MINUTES? She says the connection seems "forced", which is pretty much hitting the nail on the head.
As much as I like her, she will most likely leave within the next few weeks because she's not as crazy and weird as the other girls. Despite Juan Pablo really liking her dress.

OK FINALLY. LET'S GET DOWN TO BUSINESS.
THE ROSE CEREMONY.

Let the dirty looks and self loathing begin.



Bachelor Juan Pablo sets a great example for his daughter and begins selecting future compatible partners from a group of 27 women...and here is the order:
1- obviously, Sharleen gets the FIR (First Impression Rose)
2- Clare (as a reminder, this is the lady with the fake pregnany belly)
3- Renee (single mom)
4- Nikki the Nurse
5- Lawyer Andi with cute ombre

These are Juan Pablo's first five picks, and in my opinion, the five most likely to make it far in the competition for love.
Meanwhile, they cut to a very nervous, panting Molly. (the dog, in case you forgot...although that Marketing Consultant in all white looked pretty pant-y too)
Let's continue...

6- Alli (soccer ball/guy's girl)
7- Chantel (the only black girl)
8- Lauren (piano girl)
9- Molly...and Kelly (dog lover)
10- Cassandra (21 year old, you old dog, you!..no offense, Molly)
11- Danielle (exotic, but forgettable)
12- Chelsea (Ohio girl)
13- Kat  (dancer)...this part is funny because red-headed Kylie mistakingly thinks he said "Kylie" not Kat and steps forward, causing the most awkwardness ever to ensue on Bachelor, First Rose Ceremony History...omg...so mortifying...so hilarious. The best part is Juan Pablo wincing and whispering "I said Kat."
14- Victoria (Brazil, I think? can't remember)
15- Christy (nervous girl in all white)
16- Lucy (free spirit)...can we talk about how she twirled on her way back from getting her rose? Please give me a fucking break.
17- Elise (teacher, sweet, kind of boring)
18- Amy (no idea)

And the other girls get sent packing, including the massage girl who I am so glad didn't make it because she seemed nuts, Kylie the red head who thought her name was called but never was, Lauren the mineral consultant who had an emotional breakdown on night one and never should've been there in the first place after her traumatizing breakup, and other forgettable people.


Next, they showed previews for the upcoming season and it looks just as juicy as last season, so I cannot wait to share these weeks ahead with all of you...especially my lovely Russian fans.

So recap: I think Bachelor Juan Pablo is in way over his head. He had to turn to the drink after only the first night. He has goofy facial expressions and has no idea how fucking crazy some of these women will actually turn out to be. He's so clueless that he gave the FIR to a woman who doesn't even like him or want to be there.
JP will take Lawyer Andi, Nurse Nikki, Single Mom Renee, Fake Preggo Clare,  and Sharleen (unless she leaves on her own) a far way, in my opinion.
I like the top five so far. I think they're all good for Juan, or as good as you can  be just knowing someone from a reality show. I also like Elise, Kat, and Chelsea.
I can tell I'm going to despire Lucy and probably that girl with the dog.

This has been Betchy Bachelor Monday.
Until next time,

Kaitie

xoxo

The Mystery, The Allure, The Beauty of the Unknown: Secret Santa

Good evening, friends.

I know it's been a while, but give me a break.
I hope you're all doing great and enjoying the beginning of the holiday season. If not, then hang in there because it's only going to get crazier from here.

As most of you know, I love Christmas/the Holidays (if you want to be politically correct).
Everything about it from the candy cane scented lotion that makes my skin feel electrified to the copius amounts of cookies I consume and tell myself "it's okay because it's Christmas", is wonderful. Calories don't count during December...I guess.



One of the best parts about Christmas are the  memories of childhood Christmases. I don't care what anyone says: there is no better feeling than coming down the steps on Christmas morning and seeing the tree lit up with presents wrapped beneath it.

 

 

I know, I know...the Holidays are not ALL about gifts. They are about family, friends, being thankful, showing others you love them, cookies, Santa, baby Jesus, and carols. I think some of the best Christmases I've had, besides my childhood Christmases, were the ones where I felt completely satisfied seeing someone I love opening a gift they love.

My literal emoji facial expression

 

 

One of my favorite aspects of Christmas is the mysterious and wonderful concept of "Secret Santa."

                                           

Seriously, I don't know who thought of this concept but it's great.
For those of you who do not know, aka the ones living in holes: You draw a random name and get that person a gift.
In extreme cases, like my 6th grade class, you write them secret notes giving them clues as to who you are only to reveal your true identity on Christmas.

BRILLIANT.

Personally, I remember getting really involved with Secret Santa in a way that probably isn't normal to most human beings. I would cut out letters from magazines and newspapers, you know..kind of like they do for ransom notes.

 

Fun Fact: Found this as a ransom note template on google. People now-a-days...too lazy to cut up their own ranson notes. That's what is wrong with our generation.

Each time I wrote a note I'd give my person a little gift whether it be a small candy cane or a piece of chocolate or a lock of my hair (joking.....maybe). I liked to pride myself on being an amazing Secret Santa.

I'd give them thought provoking clues like: "I'm a girl", "I have glasses", "I sit at your table at lunch", "I wear knee high socks" (I went to Catholic school, ok?)
I mean, basically, I was playing a game of 'Guess Who' but better because there were gifts involved.


Face it, Maria was the Miss. Scarlet of Guess Who...she was the prettiest and every girl wanted to be her. And she had an awesome green beret.

ANYWAYS.
I remember one year I got this kid and he was probably the exact opposite of someone I would consider a friend. I won't say names or anything but whatever. And that was tough. I mean, what do you get an 11 year old boy that you barely know?
With a five dollar spending limit?
I mean come on, I'm classy. I don't do cheap gifts.

Again, only sort of kidding.

See, this is where things..GOT INTERESTING.

I made excellent notes and clues, and I think he was growing suspicious of me...but never would I ever tell.

I decided to get him a Tech Deck. And for those of you who don't know or remember what this is...who even are you because hello: welcome to the 90s/early 2000's.
So anyways, I got this kid a Tech Deck and he was so thankful. He and all the boys in my class entertained themselves all of recess one day with that finger tip skate board, doing tricks and whatnot.



And that was the day I was a hero.

Aside from that other day I was a hero in which I saved my pet hermit crab from a fatal accident...but that's a different story, for a different day.

Anyways.

Coincidentally, that year was also the year that the person who drew my name forgot to get me a gift. It was painfully obvious when my name was called to reveal who my Secret Santa was and there was a long, awkward silence.

As I felt my face flush and my eyes well up with tears, my Secret Santa finally revealed himself and said he was sorry he couldn't get me anything. My teacher was so mortified, but also equally prepared. She handed me an extra gift that she'd wrapped: a giant Tootsie Roll.



So I mean whatever.

The point of my story is not that I got this one kid an awesome gift that was definitely beyond the $5 limit and I recieved some sort of odd chocolate candy (is it taffy? what is a tootsie roll, really?) and that life is totally unfair...BUT that what I remember most about that year was the pure joy I brought to the male population of my grade school class, if only for one day, during one recess period.

THE POINT BEING that Christmas isn't about receiving but about giving, and I truly believe that...if only through the silly example of a Tech Deck.

So I hope you all have a wonderful holiday season, whether you celebrate or not...take a second to appreciate the little joys in life. Because it's the little stuff that you remember on a bad day.

Also, I love Secret Santa.
And I'd probably make a really good kidnapper/blackmailer.

Until next time,

Kaitie
xo