Verrrrrry exciting shit.
Sorry I've been MIA the past two weeks. I don't always have time to sit around and write a blog. But never fear, I'm back to not having a life again and now all four of you can have something to read again while you're browsing through facebook late at night.
They tease Andi's pregnancy right away, which means the rumor is absolutely not true.
Tonight the men will all be bitching for an hour and a half in front of a live studio audience, so let's try and pace ourselves. But the best part will definitely be the audience members who are sure to be awkward and very, very interested in what is happening.
CHarrison starts off the night by bringing out one of the only successful couples in Bachelor/ette history, JP and Ashley. JP is very sweet and adorable and Ashley is SHOCK pregnant! So many babies! And another shock CHarrison drops the bomb that we will be doing A LIVE ULTRASOUND.
Which is, you know, great and all but some of the audience members, one woman in particular look verrrry uncomfortable. I wish I had a screen shot of this moment, because this lady was FREAKED.
The ultrasound tech is super awkward, and I am wondering if anyone told this guy he was going to be on live television. It takes him about forty-five minutes, but he finally finds out that Ashley and JP are having a boy! Woo! Congrats!
Now on to the juicy, annoying stuff.
CHarrison introduces us to Bachelor in Paradise which looks like the Bachelor's version of Jersey Shore/Paradise Island (does anyone remember that show???) in which old contestants from the show get together and HOOK UP.
I CANNOT WAIT!!!!!!!!!! New Blog?
PS I really can't wait till this show is over so we don't have to endure those terrible Suave Bachelorette commercials. GOOD LORD.
They introduce us to all the guys, and they're all wearing scarves, and I AM DEAD. Rolling in my own tears right now.
CHRIS YOU ARE GORGEOUS.
Marquel's got a cookie pin on his lapel. Could he be any more perfect?
We waste no time getting down to business to defeat the huns.
We re-hash the racist, Andrew thing. Marquel handles it with class. Andrew tries to defend himself and calls Marquel 'Ron' which is super awkward considering Ron is the only other black man on the show. Andrew denies it again, then CHarrison brings up the video and Andrew clearly whispers something to JJ. JJ claims that Andrew definitely said the black guy comment. Then people start attacking JJ and it all gets way too out of control. JJ looks like he might cry, and I feel sort of bad.
Andrew says he "completely" understands what Marquel is feeling...which I find comcical considering Andrew is a swarmy white guy salesman.
But hey.
What do I know?
We come back from commercial break and Harrison is ready to interview Marquel in the hot seat. JJ interupts, saying he needs to get "something off his chest" first. He apologizes saying maybe he should have done things differently, blah, blah. I don't really know why he is still harping on because he did enough gossiping on the show. God Bless his heart though, he looks genuinely sad. The guys don't want to hear it though. Farmer Chris calls him out and CHarrison goes back to his interview with Marquel.
They replay Marquel's emotional goodbye and the women in the audience are shown weeping.
Oh, calm down.
He's going to be fine.
He's going to be on Bachelor in Paradise where he is...sure...to find love.
Marquel ends his interview by giving out cookies. Perfection.
Harrison brings up Marcus next saying that his leaving was one of the most heartbreaking moments of the season but I think of it more as a 'relief of creepiness'
Marcus is also one of the only Bachelorette contestants to claim his love for someone within, like, four days of knowing them.
How could he think that she loved him back when she gives him that puppy dog noise of pity every time he says it?!
"You were everything for me," says Marcus in the flashback.
He really cannot turn down.
They cut back to the studio and Marcus is tearing up. The audience wastes no time "Awwwwe-ing"
I do like the idea of Marcus saying 'if you love somebody, tell them everyday'...THAT I am all for...but falling in love in a few days on a reality TV show? Eh...
His feelings I'm sure are real because he seems crazy like that but CHarrison lets us know that he will be on Bachelor in Paradise...NEVER FEAR LADIES WHO LOVE MARCUS! You'll get to see him a few more weeks on primetime abc.
CHarrison: Well, America has fallen in love with Chris.
YES, YES THEY HAVE. So much so that I want to be on your stupid show for once, Chris Harrison.
So they play a flashback and I fell in love all over again when he steppe dout of that limo on day one. Then they show his heartbreak all over again when Andi denies him.
And I am so in love with him. She has made HUGE MISTAKE.
CHarrison tells Chris that Andi said his hometown date was "by far her favorite" so I'm sure that makes whoever her fiance's family may be feel really good.
THEN THIS BEYOND AWKWARD THING HAPPENS.
This random psycho is the audience stands up and is like "um, excuse me Chris?" and all the guys are like 'wtf is happening?'
Harrison lets this rando come down to the stage and meet my future husband, which I find quite rude, and we think she's going to say something totally ridiculous .. but all she does is ask 'So are you going to marry someone from your hometown?'
WHAT?!
That was the epic question you wanted to ask, random audience lady?
I'm glad that I'm not the only one shocked by this moment, as the other women in the audience looked really pissed (that they didn't do it first)
Harrison asks this girl what she is going to do now and all the guys are like "kiss! kiss!"
Which is, you know, uncomfortable. Since we all know Farmer Chris is most likely the next Bachelor and already had a slew of girls who have tried out to be his wife. (myself included)
Needless to say, Chris is a gentleman and they do not kiss.
I'm at home, alone, and I'm still so so so uncomfortable.
Next they bring Andi out and we can only hope to get some questions answered, like she always seems to want herself.
She basically just reiterates everything she's harped on about forever on the show...
CHarrison gives each of the final guys a chance to ask a question.
When Marquel gets his question she goes "awwww, my cookie monster" and omg I want to pass out because she's so annoying.
Harrison introduces that Chris guy (the 35th Chris) that popped up in episode one trying to get on the show, who is sitting in the audience, to Andi. The guy really wants to come down and meet Andi like that random crazy woman did for Farmer Chris. But Harrison is like "NO STOP, SECURITY"
and, like, we all know he is not kidding which is hilarious.
Lucky for Thirsty Chris, he will get to go on Bachelor in Paradise, so he lives to see reality television another day.
PS I am annoyed with myself at how much I used the name 'Chris' in that last paragraph...
Harrison then asks Andi if she is or isn't pregnant. She denies the rumors, as we all knew she would.
He then brings out the lie detector results.
We find out that Marcus, Dylan, and JOSH(?!?!) were lying.
Dylan apparently lied about preferring brunettes.
When asked if he likes blondes he simple said: "Yeah"
Andi was offended which is odd since she didn't even like him.
Marcus lied about sleeping with less than 20 women.
That's nice.
Andi does NOT want to see Josh's results, which makes me think she picks him to be her husband next week...but we'll see.
Then we get to watch some fun bloopers which make me laugh, even though I thought this entire season has been (mostly) a blooper.
We then recap the 'relationships' between Andi and Josh and Andi and Nick. And it's all so great and the music is so epic blah blah blah.
ANYWAYS.
A pretty weird, awkward, and kind of annoying episode of Men Tell All.
No surprise here.
Winners:
Josh and Nick. Obvious.
Farmer Chris...the ladies love him.
Losers:
JJ, I guess everyone hates you?
Andrew, always.
Tasos, Patrick, Ron, and other irrelevents who didn't get to talk at all.
Hottie of the week:
I'm giving this to Marquel with that cookie lapel pin.
Until next time (THE FINALE),
Kaitie
xo
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