Episode #4 starts off as usual: me with a glass of wine, Chris Harrison updating us all that Sean is looking for a wife (in a disgusting purple shirt), and Sean without a shirt at all, working out in his one pair of blue shorts.
"Another day being me...damn it's rough."
They waste no time getting Sean shirtless, just as they waste no time getting the first date card out and the episode starts getting real and ready. Bachelor Sean picks Selma, who is definitely the most naturally beautiful girl there.
Leslie then begins to cry like a weirdo, so that happens again..
So Selma finally catches on to all of these other bitch's dates...all of which have been entirely too athletic for my liking...and wears workout clothes and little to no makeup. For that, I say: Kudos Selma. We love you.
Casually being Selma
Selma is an actual person and Sean takes her on this private jet, making her think the date will be classy and amazing...but oh, no. Sean continues to make everyone uncomfortable and takes Selma to the DESERT. If he took Amanda, I'm almost positive her hair would've been out of control, so this is a good thing.
There's some useless commentary as usual in which Sean talks about how he wants a wife and Selma talks about finding her prince charming. Just some blah blah bull shit. Sean drives them off in this yellow Jeep, making us all eat his dust.
Sean once again tells us how he's "an outdoorsy guy" like we didn't already fucking guess that.
Then Sean's says, "Alright, Selma, we're going to climb Pride Rock" and the lovable, city-girl Selma, like myself, basically says "fuck no". But, of course, she doesn't.
So they start climbing and of course, Sean takes up the rear to get a good view. Selma is leading the way, A PERSON WHO HAS NEVER CLIMBED BEFORE AND RARELY WEARS ATHLETIC SHOES. (a girl of my own heart)
I begin to realize this is actually theh beginning of 127 Hours and soon Sean will fall and Selma will have to cut off her own arm. Making it weird.
"GET ME OFF THIS DATE"
Sean tells her (Direct Quote): "Your form looks unbelievable" as he lecherously stares at her ass. Then he says, "That helmet looks cute on you"...then, "I have a boner" and Selma must be concerned with not only falling, the fear of maybe having to cut her own arm off, but now Sean forcing himself on her on the side of Pride Rock!
Sean thinks he's Simba
LIKE, WHAT IS HAPPENING.
So they finally get the top and spend about 6 seconds staring off into the distance before Sean goes, "alright let's go get dinner" then they cut to a commercial break and we don't even get to see the best part...them getting down from the cliff.
Anyways.
The boring part of the night commences and Sean wraps Selma around himself as they drink champagne. Selma looks like, at any moment, she could fall asleep.
To which Sean says, "You fall hard, I can tell"
WHAT?!
If that were me, I'd sit my ass up, give him my betch look and go, "Excuse me? STFU."
Sean is easily the most unnatural person in the world and so cheesy/corny/and cocky. I actually can no longer believe anything about this show.
Selma tells Sean she doesn't believe in kissing on national TV, which is interesting to say the least...
-__-
Sean then proceeds to GET EVEN CREEPIER and keeps kissinng the top of her head and rubbing her arm/leg like a creepy, single ex-high school teacher you'd see at the bar when you go back home for visits.
Needless to say, he gives her the rose.
We go to commercial break and ask what happens if he says he loves them, to which all four of my Bachelor Spirit Guides guffaw, "He NEVER is allowed to say it."
To which I say, "They're not ALLOWED to say 'I love you'?"
"That's exactly right, the girls are allowed to say it, but he's not."
I mean, honestly, I don't think anyone should be saying it becaue it's completely ludicrous to tell someone you love them in this type of situation!
Alright, so next the group date card-invite comes and of course, it's more sports...further proving I wouldn't fit in on a show like this. (can't they just go out drinking or something?)
So the girls go to their down and dirty date and find out it's a freaking roller derby which is the most intense female sport I know of besides figure skating and competitive cheerleading. It's so betchy, I cannot handle. Sean, once again, divides them into teams and makes them compete for his affections. We also learn that he not only requires his girls to be adventurous, good at taking practical jokes, able to break world records with him, and playing competitive "volleyball" (if you can call what they were doing a sport..), but they also have to be sassy roller skating girls now?!
What...a...nightmare.
He says, "Amanda and Tierra (I'm spelling it right this week!!) will be the toughest, I can feel," to which I say...UM YEAH BECAUSE THEY'RE BOTH CLINICALLY PSYCHOTIC. Those women would jump at the chance to side swipe/elbow attack another woman.
Robyn, the girl who fell on her ass in front of Sean when she first walked out of the limo, of course is super uncoordinated and hanging onto the sidebar. I had harsh flashbacks to gradeschool when my mom forced me to go to my friend's birthday parties at the RollerEna and I would just skate on the carpet while holding onto the wall while I watched all of the other girls do fun moves and stuff to songs like "Spice Up Your Life".
Meanwhile, poor Sarah is struggling. I love Sarah. She and AshLee with a big L, seem like the only two genuinely okay people on the show. Sarah is having a hard time keeping balance and skating considering she only has one arm. WHY THE FUCK WOULD SEAN PICK HER TO GO ON THIS DATE??? WHAT IS HIS PROBLEM!?
Like, come on...
So anyways, she begins crying and when she cries, I cry, so that's problematic considering I don't actually know her. AshLee talks to Sarah while the other girls "practice".
Sean goes over and tells Sarah he believes in her or some bull shit like that.
Spirit-Guide Rebekah comments: "If that were Tierra, he'd be caressing her leg creepily," which is just so true.
While practicing, Amanda accidentally puts a hex aimed towards Lindsey on herself and falls chin first on the floor. I don't feel bad for her at all though because she was acting like this roller derby professional. Just because you're a witch, doesn't mean you can acquire athletic talent. She hurts her jaw, to which I say: "How can you hurt that monster, witch jaw???" Seriously, her mouth is huge.
Sean decides this is getting too serious so he just makes it a "free skate" which is also my worst nightmare. After they skate around like 10 year olds, Sean takes them clubbing in some purple building. Things get weird on the rooftop.
Lindsey reaches her full desperation point, even though I thought she reached it weeks ago...and puts on a bikini to go hot tubbing.
Meanwhile, Tierra goes completely bonkers and bitches out all the girls, including AshLee and Robyn who are basically innocent bystanders. She goes off, "crying", to Sean. Creepily hunched in a corner, she waits for him to come out. When he does, she monopolizes all the time, continues to obsess over their time together, then expresses her "Fears and Concerns" about the other girls. Instead of kicking her ass to the curb like he did to Kacie when she did the exact same thing, Sean proceeds to give Tierra the fucking rose. Tierra gives this evil grin right into the camera and I am absolutely obsessed with her game skills.
She just loves roses so much.
They're her favorite flower.
Not to mention she's dressed like a cheap cocktail waitress.
They start kissing in the dark for a solid minute, to which no one can see anything and I feel like this is Zero Dark Thirty or something.
Amanda, the witch gets some alone time with Sean after her incident and shoves her chin in his face, telling him about her struggle. He basically looks at her and says, "I can't see shit..." then she goes, "no look, closer! feel this!"
So Sean looks closer at the chin, "oh yeah..I do see a bump..."
That's not a bump.
It's a boil.
She is a witch.
Finally, that stupid date ends.
Next one-on-one date goes to crying, Poker Dealer, Leslie, who is suddenly very pleased. With her invite card, she also gets a set of diamond earrings which I think is extremely weird. As soon as she opened the box, Bachelor Spirit Guide Haley says, "there is no way he's giving her a rose...she's going home."
Sean picks Leslie up and it becomes very clear they are the worst match ever. She's like a foot taller than him, first of all, and secondly, he just is clearly not into her.
He takes her to Rodeo Drive and lets her shop around for ugly clothes. Sean and Leslie both reference Pretty Woman frequently...which I'm pretty sure is kind of insulting.
Does Leslie not realize she is being compared to a cheap hooker? All Julia Roberts aside, at the end of the day, she was a hooker.
So Sean acts like a sugar daddy and lets Leslie pick out this hideous bridesmaid dress basically. Then they go into Neil Lane and she picks out this $1 million dollar necklace or something which looks like Jasmine's necklace in Aladin and doesn't match her dress at all. Maybe if he went to Kay, he could've gotten a kiss.
After spending what could be 2.5 mil on the hooker, Sean takes Leslie to dinner in some warehouse. The first thing he asks her is to tell him about all of her past relationships. (what a fucking nightmare..) She continues to horse laugh and be annoying.
He ends the date by telling her that he can't give her a rose, after she spilled her entire romantic woes to him about her past relationships/parent's divorce.
Seriously, Sean, you are the definition of a prick.
He sends her home, but not before awkwardly taking off the necklace worth millions...which is uncomfortable for all.
Then Sean goes back into the restaurant alone, acting like he's all sad and depressed about it even though Leslie was basically irrelevant the entire time...while some weirdo guy is playing guitar in the corner. It's all getting very weird for me. But, wait, things get stranger, Sean drops the rose poetically onto an air shaft. The petals fall off in an epic way and they cut to commercial.
BOOM.
SO SYMBOLIC...
Alright. The climax of the night...the cocktail, pre-rose party. Robyn gets awkward as usual and asks Sean if he wants the chocolate.
ooOOOOoooh!...my.
Meanwhile, Tierra is up to her own tricks. She takes Robyn and Jackie (who the fuck is Jackie, right?) aside and "apologizes" to them, then demands that they also apologize to her. At this point...we're all just so exhausted from Tierra.
Catherine, another irrelevant, comes out of nowhere like the Tazmanian Devil and forces herself on Sean with her little nose stud, and is all, "here take this note from my thigh!" proceeding to let him take a piece of paper with lip marks on it. (little does Sean know that those lip marks are actually Chris Harrison's)
ROSE CEREMONY...HERE WE GO. wooooo!!!!
Catherine gets the first rose because Sean literally still had her saliva taste in his mouth. He continues to hand out roses left and right, leaving Daniella and Amanda till the end.
My spirit guides and I are so sure Amanda is going to get it.
We're like "PEACE OUT DANIELLA AND YOUR DUCK FACE!" (seriously, everytime the camera cuts to her, her lips are quirked to the side).
But no.
Sean gives the rose to Daniella (who surprisingly still exists)--who I think is more shocked than anyone. As she should be. I don't think she even talks to Sean...? She's literally there for sassy commentary and duck faces.
So Amanda leaves and we're like "BETCH, BYEEEE!"
They show Amanda leave in her emotional flapper outfit. Her hexes didn't work apparently, and Sean has told her to hit the road.
The girls later discover that Amanda, indeed, left her veneers behind.
The episode ends with an outtake of Sean completely losing his man card on his date with Selma as he cannot figure out how to drive the Jeep. Selma is laughing hysterically, as she should. She finally points out to him that the e-brake is on.
My 16 year old sister who just learned how to drive knows that, Sean.
Way....to....go.
Anyways, next week is a 2 night episode, and I just don't think I can take two nights in a row of heavily drinking like this...but I honestly need to to get through this dumb ass show.
The moral of the story tonight that I found alarming and troubling is this: both Amanda and Leslie talked about how they wish they had more time to basically "prove themselves" to Sean.
Um...hold on.
You should never, in life, have to prove yourself to any man.
Don't be a pathetic excuse for a woman.
Believe what you believe, show who you are, and if he doesn't like it...then fuck him.
Constantly trying to prove your worth to someone doesn't lead to love, it leads to a lie. And lies get messy, lots of webs, and all that stuff.
Just ask Manti Te'o.
Wait...
TE'O FOR THE NEXT BACHELOR.
Until next time,
Kaitie
xo
(P.S. I didn't proofread this and I'm kinda drunk, so don't judge, y'all)
Also....
Tierra <3's Doritos
Thank you Spirit Guide Emily for the photos!
Thank you Spirit Guide Emily for the photos!
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