Hope everyone had a splendid long weekend thanks to the incredible Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
As per usual, tonight will be dedicated to The Bachelor. For those of you who are mad that I haven't written about anything else--DON'T WORRY! I'll have another blog up about something completely different later this week (hopefully).
So once again, if you don't like the Bachelor (I hate it, too) or find this blogging about it irritating/confusing, then don't read it because I promise you nothing in the blog tonight will be any different than what's been written before.
ALRIGHT HERE WE GO.
So in preparation for tonight's events, I not only drank a lot of pink wine, but I also pressed "info" on The Bachelor button to get a little preview. It says that tonight is the night that Sean makes a "revelation"--so obviously, this is when I became intrigued.
The episode starts off as all the others have thusfar and as I suspect the rest of them will start off. Sean without a shirt. Working out. In his blue shorts. To some dramatic sequence music as he blathers on about the hunt and quest for true love.
So we're all falling for the bull shit as usual.
Chris Harrison walks in and is all, "Alright ladies, shit is getting real" and informs them that there will be two one-on-one dates and one group date. All the girls cheer like this is exciting and I palm slap my own forehead. If I were picked for a group date, I'd refuse to go.
Lesley gets chosen by Bachelor Sean for the first one on one date and everyone shits butterflies about it. Leslie H., meanwhile, is pissed because she thought maybe she'd be the Leslie that would be going on the date with Sean...but no.
So Lelsey puts on her cute as heck lace dress and Sean's all, "I'm going to take you on THE CREEPIEST DATE EVER" to the Guinness World Record Museum and Lelsey looks uncomfortable the entire time. I would be, too if some guy took me to a place where people's 31" toe nails were on display.
Most spoons balanced on a man. Ever!
Sean gets annoying and is all "here's a pic of my dad who's been all over the country" because he's obsessed with his parents and then it cuts to him commentating and he literally says, "she's just so fun to interact with" and it makes me realize that these people just say the same thing over and over and over again but put different words in. He's already said that she's fun to talk to, so now he has to say "interact". I don't know. I found it annoying.
Since Lesley is SUPER comfortable walking around this freakshow museum, Sean decides that he's going to take their date to a new level and surprises Lesley by telling her they will be taking part in a mission to have the longest on-screen kiss ever. This is when I realize Sean's flaw: he wants to make every girl uncomfortable.
It finally makes sense. Jumping off of buildings, posing for romance novel covers, now this? I cannot.
So Sean and Lesley stand up on this platform and kiss for four minutes and we all have to watch and endure it. Chris Harrison is watching and is so pleased, the music is epic as hell, and I just can't help but think to myself: I just watched an episode of The Bachelor that MADE HISTORY. But not the good kind. Then I become very sad for our world and drink more wine.
Then, as if making us all watch them suffocate one another with lips for four minutes isn't enough, we have to endure them drinking champagne annoyingly. Thus I learn that I actually don't even like the dating/"romance" part of the show. I just want to see the bitches fight. That's what it's all about anyways.
At the end of the date, they kiss (again) and a bunch of confetti is falling around them and I feel like I'm at the end of a Jonas Brothers concert. Bachelor Spirit Guide, Rebekah states to us "Why is there confetti falling down? Why is no one questioning this?" to which I giggle. Sean and Lesley have unrealistic expectations about dates now in which confetti will always fall when you kiss someone.
After the groundbreaking date with Lesley, Sean makes his group date pick in which he takes 12 girls to the beach.
Cool.
I've been on better dates in middle school.
12 girls on a group date and Sean's all "heh-heh" and I realize I actually hate him now for being so weird and annoying. He's too perfect, also meaning he's got major issues. I'm now starting to realize.
So all the girls are frolicking with Sean, playing in the waves in matching bathing suits. (I'm not actually joking about this--they are indeed wearing matching swim suits...) Bachelor Spirit Guide Emily points out that it is commendable that some of the girls actually kept their shorts on and did not bare all. To which, I agree.
The date is seemingly irrelevant and lame until Chris pops up in a metro pink button down and board shorts, casually, then says, "Alright ladies, time to play volleyball for Sean's heart'
Shit gets real.
The girls are split up into teams, and the winning team gets more alone time with Sean (once again, I wish I were kidding). The teams huddle together and shout enthusiastically, "FOR SEAN!" (not joking)
The girls all warm up and practice, then the game begins. One girl says, "what started out as fun turned very frustrating" which sums up my ENTIRE BACHELOR BLOG EXPERIENCE THUS FAR PERFECTLY! Leslie H. and her huge jaw are getting serious and I swear the theme music from The Amazing Race is playing. I realize that this vball match (if you can even call it that) is not violent enough and way too erotic for my taste. If I were a women's volleyball player, I'd be offended at this whole display of playing for a man and not the glory of it all. I am barfing.
The red team loses and model/proclaimed oompa-loompa Kristy starts fucking crying all over the place.
Commercial break happens and Bachelor Spirit Guide Haley says, "I want to be married!...Eh, not really, I just want a Range Rover."
This has nothing to do with the show, but I needed to add it in because I thought it was very fun.
Sean takes a liking to Lindsey, the girl who will forever be known as the one who came in a bridal gown, and she is so desperate, it makes me cringe. She is easily the type of girl who would drop her life for a guy like Sean...which makes me so sad. Also, I'm sorry but I can never like her. Her first impression with me just did not cut it. Sean finds her weirdly endearing though, which further makes me realize his terrible judgement.
Meanwhile, I am thinking that I cannot believe anything any of these people say. It's all just such bull shit and I honestly do not understand how so many people can watch this show and fall for it all.
ANYWAYS. CUT TO THE BACHELORETTE PAD/HOUSE.
They get the next "date card" and Tiara reads aloud, "AshLee...and Selma" and everyone is all like "WTF?!?!" then Tiara laughs like a ghoul, "JK!" then this sharp music happens dramatically and the mood is entirely changed. AshLee is mad, Selma is mad, everyone is mad. Tiara is ridiculous. And I love her. (but not really)
BACK TO THE GROUP DATE.
Amanda is being strange and creepy with her big teeth and sweaty face. I begin to realize that the revelation that Sean may behold is that Amanda is, in fact, a witch.
Kacie gets a few minutes alone with Sean and brings up the Amanda/witch situation. Making it weird. (well, not the witch part, just the bitch part)
Sean completely dismissed Kacie (even though they're apparently friends), shoots her down for stickign up for Desiree, and calls her a "weirdo"...he actually did. He basically says, "You shouldn't be worrying about any 'friends' you make in the house. I don't want to hear about it. This is about ME, finding love..."
This is when I actually begin hating Sean.
So Kacie's fucked forever for some reason now. Poor Kacie.
Then we go back to the house and Kacie's could-be sister, AshLee (with a big L) is getting ready for her one on one with Sean, looking all cute, and we remember she does actually exist. Then Tiara falls down the steps like an imbecile. Once again, making it weird.
Coincidentally this happens RIGHT before Sean arrives to pick up AshLee for the date. Tiara couldn't possibly have known though.. So the paramedics come and it's all hyped up for nothing because Tiara's plan backfires--instead of Sean giving her attention, she gets put in a disgusting neck brace, to which she immediately freaks out towards, "this is so stupid! get me off! get this off me! Sean will think I'm ugly in this neck brace!"
Obviously, this is when we all realize she's faking it.
Tiara is just that hot, bitchy girl that Sean could never get in college, and that is why he's creepily rubbing her leg and so enamoured by her. I'm telling you, that's what it is.
Eugh.
At this point, I JUST CAN'T!
So FINALLY Sean takes AshLee on their date. They go to Six Flags and meet up with two best friends and young girls with illnesses which is just very nice and makes up for the rest of this shitty show. The four have a great time together and then randomly the Eli Young Band shows up to play some tunes. This is when I picture Eli Young sitting with his guys talking to a few producers and Chris Harrison like, "Alright, we'll do it for the kids..."
Sean and AshLee talk about their plans for the future and it seems at this point anything commendable the girls say Sean will say "Oh, yeah, me too!" AshLee shares a lot with Sean about her childhood and wanting to adopt children later in life and he just jumps right on that band wagon. He's creepy. I think he's shady and a liar. We all know that men with no flaws DO NOT EXIST...SO STOP SEAN.
Finally, the cocktail party/rose ceremony starts. Sean takes Sarah aside randomly and brings her her little, ugly dog for a visit. (the dog is so ugly, it's cute kind of thing) I don't really understand why this happened, but the dog arrived in its own limo...so that was fun.
Then things get whack.
Tiara is talking to Sean on the private lounge couch and instead of talking about anything with meaning she just keeps talking about how badly she wants more than ten minutes with him. BITCH STOP WASTING TIME TALKING ABOUT TIME AND SPEAK! What a fool.
Desiree comes out, stirring the pot, and steals Sean away. Tiara is not happy about this so she steals him back. Lesley gets in on the action and steals Sean from Tiara. Then it just becomes this fucked up cycle and Sean is so pleased with himself that I WANT TO SLAP HIM TILL HE BLEEDS.
Desiree cries annoyingly, "I hate this game!" And if I were there, I'd be rolling my eyes, filing my nails, flipping my hair and turn to her, "Bitch, you started it!" Obviously, Desiree thinks she's above these people somehow.
Anyways. The rose ceremony starts and all the girls are wasted.
Before he starts, Sean calls Kacie outside to talk. This is where he tells her that he just sees them as friends and obviously he's still taking the whole Desiree/Amanda thing too seriously. Kacie is heartbroken, as am I for her. Then Sean says something that puts the cherry on my dislike for him: "I just can't put you through another rose ceremony like this, I respect you too much."
O_o
I do not understand.
Isn't calling her out and apart from everyone else more embarassing and less respectful than anything? Also, is he saying he doesn't respect the other girls..? (obviously, this is true, but come on!)
Then he proceeds to tell the other girls what happened. MAKING. IT. WEIRD. Because they don't GIVE A FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK that Kacie is gone! One less in the competition.
Sean hands out roses all over the place, including one to Daniella, who I forgot existed because of her lack of commentary in this episode.
Chris pops out and is like, "As you know this is the last rose." And literally everyone rolls their eyes.
Sean idiotically sends probably the most normal person home (Taryn) and then the Bronzer-Happy model Kristy who has always been irrelevant.
Upon watching tonight's episode I am beginning to understand the world of The Bachelor. The guy is a complete fool. I cannot wait till he goes back and watches everything and realizes that Kacie was right, that Tiara is crazy, that Amanda is a witch. These things. Also, Sean it too much for me. I can no longer stand him after what happened tonight and I almost hope he picks Tiara in the end and that they fail..as much as I HATE saying it. He needs a reality CHECK.
We all do, actually, for taking this show seriously....
Me especially.
Alright, well,
Until next time,
Kaitie
xo
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