This week, I was overwhelmed with four whole hours of staring at Sean's Aryan self. So many women were sent home, so many tears were spilt, so much champagne was popped, and so many Doritos were eaten by Tierra.
We'll start with Monday's episode.
Chris Harrison comes on, as usual, telling these women what is up. He drops teh "two on one" date on all of us like a grenade. Then he tells everyone they're going to...Montana.
Woo.
Then they show Sean, and he is wearing a shirt, so you know this episode is going to be fucked from the very start. If I can't see Sean with his blue work out shorts on at least once a week, my week is not going to be very good.
So psycho-dumbass Lindsey gets the one-on-one to which we're all just sort of "who cares". They cut to her getting picked up in a helicopter, of course, some scenic views. She talks in her Disney Princess voice about how much she is falling for Sean and Sean talks, once again, about how he can't wait to find his wife and loves the outdoors. Basically, everything is repeating itself.
They sit under a moosehead together and drink some wine, talking about some irrelevant babble, then Sean's like "here I'm going to surprise you" and takes desperate Lindsey out back to watch some country artist sing her songs. As if that wasn't weird enough, they decide to post up on their own stage and the whole crowd is very "wtf" about it.
I didn't think concert dates could get repetitive, but somehow Sean even managed to do that.
Next, we have the group date. The girls who are chosen are told that they were going to be competing (what?!...weird!) in a redneck relay race in which they canoe down a river, slice wood, chuck hay, and milk a goat. Then someone from each team has to drink the milk straight from the teat. Chris really loves milking goats, as he describes it, you can just see the thrill on his face. Selma is cray cray and ready to go. Sarah, once again, must endure the stupidity of Sean's physical challenges. This time, she's much more "I can do this!" about it. Desiree drinks the goat teat milk and for the rest of the episode feels entitled to things.
If only life were that simple.
Selma, Sarah, Robyn, and Desiree win the challenge, I'm sorry...relay. And then they are allowed to go on a date with Sean. The others go home and whine about it the whole time. Robyn is so not pleased. Sean feels bad, of course, and invites all the girls out anyways.
So these betches are all drinking wine, pretending to like each other. Tierra, meanwhile, is back at the hotel journaling writing "I <3 SEAN" and "Mr. and Mrs. Sean Lowe" all over some notebook when she decides the normal thing to do would be to sneak up on the group date and give herself a leg up over Jackie for their two on one date the following day.
Sean's getting interviewed and Tierra pops up in the background like a psychopath. The absolute funniest thing about this scene is the music they are playing in the background. They literally make Tierra out to look like a serial killer. Which, maybe she is.
Tierra pulls Sean aside and he acts like he's not completely weirded out. She continues to talk about how sad she is about "time"...Tierra loves time and roses, just like the Queen of Hearts from Alice in Wonderland!
Sean goes back to his group date, feeling horny and desired as ever. Catherine comes up on him like a little minx. All of the girls seem to be getting all this alone time except for Daniella...but who is really shocked about this? No one.
Sean and Daniella finally get a minute together, in which she cries the whole time, therefore solidifying the fact that she will be receiving the pity rose. The pity rose is not a real thing, but I think it should be. The rest of it is so ridiculous, why shouldn't they have one?
We skip to the next day to the two on one date. Jackie and Tierra have a tension-filled car ride to some horse riding camp or some shit. It's so unbelievably awkward, even I am cringing. They arrive at the farm and Sean rides up on a white horse...being annoying and perfect. The three go on a horseback ride like "this 2 on 1 is fun!"....but not really. Sean requests a few minutes with Jackie, because, I mean, that hasn't happened yet...and Tierra actually monopolizes all of his time.
So Sean pulls Jackie aside and all they do is talk about Tierra. Jackie tells Sean none of the girls like her instead of saying anything about herself and Sean's all "DON'T TALK ABOUT MY MUSE THAT WAY!"
I just kept thinking to myself, "Jesus, Jackie hasn't talked about her parents at all...this girl stands zero chance."
Of course, he gives the rose to Tierra. No one is surprised. Jackie goes home and everyone is really sad about it, especially the other girls, who absolutely despise Tierra at this point. But who doesn't?
The Rose Ceremony cocktail party happens and things get weird. Everyone's talking shit about Tierra. Robyn approaches the terrorist and Tierra begins freaking out, yelling at Robyn like the whiney little brat she is. Robyn just sits there like ....
Meanwhile, Sean walks by.
But this doesn't stop him or make him question anything about Tierra. He just justifies it as Tierra having "emotional connection issues with girls because of the bad boyfriend she's had in the past"
UM HELLO.
We have all had bad boyfriends in the past! This is 21st century America. You find 1 guy in 50 that is a good guy. That is no reason for this to ruin your social skills and make you a raging lunatic who is obsessed with roses and mascara!
Sean, all of the sudden, is having a "rough week" because what he's doing is so hard and terrifying...please.
He sends "drama-causing" Robyn home.
Yup, she's the problem.
Anyways.
Tuesday night happens, and I'm almost out of wine for the week...but I go on, for you.
Suddenly, we're in Canada and I am still thinking we're in Montana.
I don't necessarily understand the point of changing to another ridiculous location that no one cares about, but whatever.
Sean continues to act like this is his biggest life mission, like what he's doing is so hard. I feel no sympathy for you, Sean. Really, I don't. I don't care how good of a guy you are. Nothing you say is going to make me go "Yeesh, his life is ROUGH."
The date card comes, Daniella is unreasonably expecting it, but it goes to peppy, nose-ring Catherine. Daniella makes the duck face. Catherine is pleased. We skip to Catherine standing in a blizzard on some glacier, completely alone..acting like Liam Neeson in The Grey. Sean shows up in the lame snow bus, even though we were totally all expecting a heli. I suppose I must applaud him for changing it up ever so slightly.
They both slip into some snow suits, making them look like teletubbies, and make snow angels in teh -15 degree weather. So that sounds like a whole lot of fun. All I keep thinking is how badly I wish they'd fall through the ice. Place Sean in any ridiculous weather situation, and he will show you how he can be a man about it. He claims, "This is what I want in a wife!" SOMEONE WHO CAN BRAVE ALL ELEMENTS?
Um, good luck.
I begin to realize this date, out of all the stupid ones, might be the most physically exhausting one of all. How much fun is it to play on a glacier? I'm not sure...but they really aren't making it look that great in those stupid outfits.
After the frolicking, they go into some igloo contraption from the Ice Capades and, SHOCK, drink some wine. Catherine talks about her life story, which is dramatic and kind of sad. Sean, meanwhile, is waiting for the rose to melt so that he can give it to her.
Once he does, he claims that she has "melted his heart" in this, icy, cold, arctic Tundra of Canada.
Anyways.
Next is the group date. I only can expect something physically and emotionally challenging as all the other group dates have been thusfar.
The girls all run to Sean on another glacier, because there isn't anything else to do in Canada apparently. AshLee runs ahead of all the others and her OCD self says, "I'M ALWAYS FIRST."
Alllllright.
Or should I say, "ALright."
Sean says they have another "exhilerating date" in store...to which we're all like "no shit"
They canoe again, which is absolutely annoying. Sarah is just like "REALLY, AGAIN WITH THIS SHIT, I HAVE ONE ARM SEAN." Lesley snags the canoe with Sean and the other girls try not to plot her death by drowning.
When they're done with that madness, Sean informs them the physicality of this date is not yet over and they will be jumping in the below freezing water in their bikinis performing the classic "polar bear" date.
Some girls are very surprisingly, "hell yeah" about, while the more logical girls like Selma are peacing the fuck out. Lindsey's already lost so many brain cells that she is actually thrilled about the prospect of jumping into a melting plate of ice with no wetsuit. I just think to myself how anyone could be married to this man! His dates are so nuts, marrying him would be physically exhausting! I wouldn't mind being sexually exhausted, but physically exhausted? Nope. No thank you.
So all the girls jump in, except Selma. They all say they "LOVED IT"...okay.
Tierra has a hypothermic episode like a pussy. Or at least, she acts like Rose from the Titanic while she's on the door floating in the midst of the freezing Atlantic. Really, she's a very good actress, with the mascara running down her eyes and the mad "shaking hands". Her first words are, of course, "I missed time with him."
TIME, TIME, TIME...TIERRA LOVES TIME.
Desiree, meanwhile, is pretending to be very worried back in the hotel with Catherine as they watch the ambulance take Tierra off. She says, "it makes me wonder how the other girls are!" then the camera immediately cuts to the remaining polar bear girls running through the hotel, laughing, and frolicking because they DGAF about Tierra's episode.
Neither do we though.
Tierra gets back and is lying in bed with oxygen attached to her face.
Sean comes in bed with her and she loves it.
She once again tells him how she wishes she had more time with him and wants to marry him. Same story, different night.
Lesley gets some alone time with Sean on the date and becomes irritating when she claims, "I love love." Sean just says the same thing he says to everyone, "I appreciate you, I love your spirit."
What the fuck does that even mean?
Where is my rose, douche?"
Sean takes Sarah aside and they talk for a bit. She shows him pictures of her from her childhood and talks about her parents, like every other girl talked about before her. Sean talks about how connected he feels with Sarah.
Meanwhile, the girls are in the other room talking shit about Tierra. Then the bitch walks in after a hypothermic episode. They all shut the fuck up like she was doing the walk of shame into a sorority house after a hook up from the night before.
Then Lindsey gets some time with Sean and claims they should actually talk instead of kiss. Sean doesn't seem to love what she has to say though. But who really does? Talking to desperate Lindsey seems like talking to a pile of bricks. At one point, she solidifies her complete desperation and tells Sean the most interesting thing about her is that she sleeps naked.
Sigh. (files nails) bitch, we all do that. It doesn't make you sexy.
Sean has had enough talking and awkwardly sucks her lips again. They spend about 85% of their time making out and the other 15% of time, Lindsey is "woo!"-ing.
The night ends. Sean gives the rose to Lesley annoyingly. Tierra says she is not happy because she says she deserved the rose...so that happened...again.
Just because you almost died doesn't mean you deserve the pity rose.
That is reserved for Daniella.
Anyways.
Suddenly Sean has a revelation and decides he can no longer lie to one of the girls and that he must send her home tonight before the rose ceremony. He commences to pull Sarah into the other room. Literally, right after he was talking about how much he enjoys and respects her as a person, and how he feels connected, he changes his mind and sends her ass packing.
WHAT THE HELL?!
Sean chooses Tierra over...Sarah. THAT MAKES SENSE...NOT REALLY.
Everyone is allowed to talk about their family with Sean, Sean is allowed to talk incessently about his family, but when Sarah shows him some pics of herself, HE FREAKS A LEAK and sends her home.
NO.
Not cool, Sean.
I mean, I get not wanting to embarasss her and send her home during the rose ceremony...but jeesh, did he lead her on the whole time, or what?!
Despite this, the episode, nevertheless must continue.
Sean goes on his one-on-one with Desiree...or as he likes to call her "Dez". This is their second one-on-one, which is kind of weird to me. However, Sean is a fan of repitition, it seems. So they go on this date and to me it's just boring and not cute at all.
Sean decides to switch it up and instead of climbing UP something they are going to climb DOWN something...woot woot. The thrill.
Dez is freaking out, probably because her jeans might split from being so damn tight on her. She doesn't want to do it, and I don't blame her.
Eventually, they finally do the damn thing then they sit and have wine by a campfire or something. Sean wears a delightfully ugly sweater and she talks about her struggles and tells Sean she's had to live in a tent for four months before.
I'm surprised he didn't respond: "SO YOU'RE OUTDOORSY?! I LOVE THE OUTDOORS!"
She says that "money doesn't matter to me" to which I roll my eyes. Money matters to everyone. Dez is a fashion designer, which is actually one of the most materialistic industries out there, so don't give me that "I don't like money" bull shit. You do. we all do.
Finally, the stupid rose ceremony happens. At this point, we're all wasted and ready for the night to be over. Chris Harrison shows up finally, and let's us all know that tonight more women will be sent home. Cool. thank God. Because Sean needs to find a wife...like asap.
The night consists of Lindsey speaking uselessly, the girls pouring their emotional baggage all over Sean some more, AshLee giving Sean complete control over her using a blindfold (S&M..rawr)..so that was very "wtf", and Selma handing over her moral card. She decides that because she refused to jump into a freezing cold lake for love, that she would give up her beliefs of not kissing a person on national TV, and she decides to kiss Sean. What a saint, those double D's popping out of your dress scream "virgin" to me. This doesn't prevent him from sending her ass home though, too. The rose ceremony commences and half the girls are already safe. It comes down to Tierra, Daniella, and Selma. I know for a fact he won't be sending Tierra home because he's so blinded by her "amazingness" (but can we just talk about that outfit? she's wearing a skanky dress with an infinity scarf that is not even wrapped correctly around her...what kind of dumb ass can't work an infinity scarf? aren't you female? Dez, can you help her out, Miss. Fashionista?) So Daniella and Selma are sent packing. Daniella's face, of course, becomes contorted and duck-like, she cries like she actually stood a chance, even though she's talked to Sean twice the whole time..(like how has she even made it this far?)
Selma leaving was a bit more of a shocker considering she is literally the most beautiful woman there and also the most sensical.
Whatever, Sean.
Whatever.
All I have to say is if I had to go a week without The Bachelor, I think I'd be okay.
Because that...was overkill.
Until next time,
Kaitie
xo
P.S. Also, I didn't spell check/revise this one...so if you find mistakes, don't hate me.
