Just kidding. I do.
Will we finally see the Chad saga come to an end...?
Let's start with last week's episode. I will try to keep this brief since you all are way ahead of me here.
We leave off after the God-Awful two-on-one with Chad and Alex. The guys are chilling in their backwoods mansion. They celebrate his demise by taking a bunch of protein powder and sprinkling it throughout the wind. That's not me being sarcastic...that actually happened.
Meanwhile, Chad's making his way downtown, walking fast, faces past, and he's homebound...
JUST KIDDING...he's knocking on the door!
Chad "explains" himself, which means he's going to say what he wants to say when he wants to say it. I'm so tired of this. Can we move on? Chad and Jordan get into a "fight", Evan asks Chad if he has any money because he reallllly wants that $7 H&M shirt that Chad so meanly destroyed.
No physical fight happens, and Chad heads on out apparently.
What a waste.
Would've loved to see Evan get punched.
Kidding.
Sort of.
Bachelorette JoJo is having a rough time as the cocktail party-rose ceremony approaches. And somehow Vinny and Daniel are still here, everyone. Let's not forget this.
Chase says, "there's no negative ENERGIES in this house right now"
I like Chase. He seems like a nice guy, but he literally always looks drunk. She seems to enjoy that though. Makeout Master, Robby, makes his move...again...by taking JoJo to a beautiful fountain and they make wishes with coins together.
J goes, "OK so how do I do this?"
I'm sorry...didn't Chad take you to a wishing well a few weeks ago. Do you not remember how to throw a coin into a body of water?
One of the James' (not A James Taylor, but James who owns a cross-fit gym..DON'T GET IT TWISTED) decides to read J one of the poems he has written her. I cringe. Did he write this? did he find this on tumblr? UGHHHH AJDGHKAJHLKADJAGH awkward times. Worst than writing her a song. *available on iTunes now!*
Alex, the hero of the week, decides that despite having a rose he will have some one-on-one time with JoJo tonight. The other guys are resentful little babies about it.
Self-proclaimed nice guy, Evan, whines about other guys with roses taking up time with JoJo. Jordan takes J aside for a quick makeout session right on the other side of the wall from the rest of the group.
Rose ceremony time! (remember: Jordan, Alex, and Luke have roses)
1- Derek - Jim Halpert lives to see another week
2- Robby - The Dark Horse
3- Chase - "who me?"
4- Wells - MY LOVE
5- Grant - FIRE BURNING ON THE DANCE FLOOR
6- Vinny - OH COME ON...what?
7- James T - *sings you a song he wrote*
8- Evan - UGH REALLY?!?!?!
Thus, sending the Other James and Canadian Psycho Daniel home. Well, I guess James F's last ditch effort poem stolen from Tumblr.com didn't work on our girl J.
I still think he was better than Vinny and Evan tbh. Also, would like to correct my earlier mistake...James does not own a cross-fit gym, but a boxing club. Which is actually a lot less douchey.
You will be missed, guys...especially Daniel, god love that entertaining weirdo.
"If this was based solely on looks, there's a good chance I would still be here. But she's going on personalities, and mine sucks," Daniel says.
I DIE.
At least he is self-aware.
What a gem.
Bachelorette JoJo tells the guys their next location will be Uruguay. Most of them do not know what that is.
Also, how am I just now realizing that almost all of these guys have the same haircut?
And I feel like Robby has gotten way sexier since episode 1? Am I making this up?
The first date goes to....Jordan.
WTF?
He's basically already in first place. What a shitty one-on-one. BOOOOOOO.
Jordan's hair is tooooooooooo fucking much. It can't be tamed. And it can't be blamed. The guys are not pleased. They say he's not trustworthy - and not going to lie - I agree. I know I initially liked The Other Rodgers but he just seems phony to me. and that hair.
The men are confident that JoJo is a "good judge of character" IS SHE THOUGH? Like, she was all about Chad until he literally admitted he was violent?
Back at the hotel, Vinny, the barber, is lining everyone up (FRESH TO DEATH YEA YEA YEA) and they find an InTouch magazine claiming JoJo was sneaking around with her ex the entire time Ben's Bachelor season was airing.
OK...like chill, homies. InTouch is the least reliable of all gossip mags. Everyone with a brain knows that. Such drama queens, FOR REAL.
The next date card arrives: Luke, Derek, Chase, Evan, James, Vinny, Grant, Wells, and Alex get the group date card. We all saw that coming, AMIRIGHT? Robby IS totally ready for that one-on-one.
They're still all dwelling on that stupid fucking article. I'm legitimately mad....
What, were the producers scrambling for more drama once Chad was gone so they planted this bullshit InTouch article slandering JoJo in the guys' hotel room?? What kind of sick behavior is this?!
LET JOJO LIVE.
Meanwhile, back on the date....JoJo informs us that she knows a girl who used to date Jordan and she said he was a bad boyfriend. UMMM OK? Is this ALLOWED? Why would they put him on this show?!
I'm annoyed.
J brings it up to Jordan...and you can see the panic on his face set in. He basically has no idea what to say, and also he sooooort of admits to cheating. He says he has changed.
UGH NO NO NO.
95% of people are INCAPABLE of changing. Fight me. But it's true.
And I HIGHLY DOUBT Jordan is in the 5% bracket.
Somehow Jordan manages to make JoJo feel bad, she goes "don't be mad at me!" and kisses him repeatedly before giving him the date rose.
This is such shit. I'm annoyed.
As soon as conflict rises, they backtrack and make it fake again. That's the essence of this show though. I'm not sure why I'm surprised.
J and Jordan end their date. She talks to the camera about how great she feels, how happy she is, how nothing could take away this feeling....
Some gross producer is like "I wanted to show this to you," and hands her the dramatic InTouch magazine featuring the tell-all article from her ex-Chad (not Psycho Chad, but her actual former boyfriend)
OH COME ON.
"Ew, are you kidding me...?" she asks. YES SASSY JOJO I AM HERE FOR IT. "Why are you showing this to me...?" YES CALL HIM OUT.
Her ex is clearly full of shit. I mean, who goes to InTouch? Ew. You're gross dude.
Meanwhile, in their hotel room, the guys are having a conniption about it. Luke, my boy, is like "it sounds like complete fabrication to me...."
YES LUKE I LOVE YOU.
Jojo clearly needs her girls there to tell her that everything will be okay. Not just these dumb producers and emotional men. Where's Becca?!?! Bring her in.
J decides to go up to the men and be upfront with them and is in tears telling them she "cares so much about them" (wellllll not all of them, right?)
Robby is really cute about it.
HEY AM I TEAM ROBBY NOW?
JoJo takes her group date sand surfing which I did not know was a thing..but how lovely. There's nothing I love more than getting sand in every crevice.
Derek, aka Jim Halpert, is being a whiney baby. He's jealous of the others guys, blah blah you know.
Meanwhile, Robby and Jordan are back at the hotel netflix and chillin, having a spa day; Robby gets his one-on-one date card and is very excited
HOW CUTE.
Luke and JoJo share a cute moment together - he assures her that the article means nothing to him, and they share a sweet kiss. AWWWW LOVE YOU LUKE.
Derek is still wigging out. He comes to her, sweating, nervous. She eases his mind by making out with him. Alex, meanwhile, decides he does not like Derek. Alex thinks Derek is very calculated and manipulative. Which is exactly what Chad said...but whatever. we won't go there.
J gives the date rose to........Derek.
Eugh. Fine.
"He's an insecure little bitch," Alex says in regards to the group date pity rose.
YEEIKES.
The guys are really freaking out about who is going home/how the rose ceremony will go.
Meanwhile, JoJo takes Robby on their group date.
"I know I love JoJo...and saying it first is not a problem," he says.
WHOA WHO WHOA............Robby is IN LOVE?
they jump off a cliff together which is supposed to be symbolic I think
did I mention they were jumping into water?
Yeah. So they didn't die.
Sorry should've prefaced that.
Meanwhile, Alex and Chase play mean girls and attack poor little Derek. Derek doesn't have much to say/doesn't get confrontational. It's all very forced. Whatever.
Robby, though, is killing it on this date. They sit down at dinner together and talk about their families, and love, and shit...you know, the usual. Robby tells JoJo an emotional story about his best friend dying in a car accident :( He then tells her that he has fallen in love with her.
You guys.
Like normally I would drag this really hard, but I really enjoyed the way he told her!
I feel like he is more genuine than Jordan. I really hope he is, at least.
She obviously gives him the rose. I MEAN COME ON.
Unlike Ben though, J does not say it back.
Moving on to the cocktail party/rose ceremony.
Hellz yea.
Derek decides to immediately pull Jordan, Alex, Chase, and Robby aside and address the "mean girl clique" happening. Alex gets mad that Derek would waste his time pulling the guys aside to call them out on petty bullshit. Yet, Alex has never had a problem calling anyone out on anything. I'm not defending Derek or anything because I could give two shits about this situation. But come on, Alex, you're pretty dramatic yourself my friend. (sexy AF though)
They go back inside and the guys are like "what the hell was that about?" and Jordan is like "Derek is sad and feels like we're being mean" and my lovely lovely lovely husband Wells is like "Well, I think he just had some issues he wanted to address with you guys as men...and wasn't being childish" or something along those lines.
Good guy Wells. Always the saint! MY LOVE.
Chase doesn't care. He thinks the timing is bad and is #bitter
Papi H comes in and tells the guys that J has made up her mind so they're going to get this shit poppin and skip the cocktail hour. Thank God. My heart can't take it. And some of these guys realllllly do not need more alcohol in their systems.
Rose Time (remember Derek, Jordan, and Robby have roses)
1- Luke - HELLLLZ YEA
2- Chase - "who me?"
3- Alex - my sexy little firecracker
4- James - lives to write another song
5- Wells - YAAAAAAAAAAAAAA thank God
Thus, sending Evan (finally...did he get his shirt back ever?), Grant :(, and Vinny (yes, he is STILL there)
"I'm just so disappointed in myself," Evan cries. I mean...it's nothing you did bro...? She just wasn't into you? Like move forward, my friend. There's nothing more you could do. Like you can't force someone to be interested in you.
ALRIGHT BETCHES LET'S MOVE ON TO THIS WEEK'S EPISODE!
______________________________________________________________
This week we are in Buenos Aires y'all!
Papi H, looking DAPPER, comes up to our girl, J to check in on how things are going. Also, he loves Buenos Aires and was just casually walking around a park when he stumbled into her.
Papi H then skips over to the gents and tells them SURPRISE there will be another two-on-one date this week. LOL yeeikes.
The first date card arrives and goes to Wells! YAY MY BOYFRIEND GETS THE ONE-ON-ONE DATE FINALLY
Wait.
No but really. Happy for him.
Not only is he the only man left who has not had a one-on-one, he is also the only one left who has yet to kiss JoJo.
OMG.
The other men are shocked to hear this. Wells embraces it.
I won't lie JoJo and Wells look good together. Plus, they both have weird-ish names. They spend the beginning of the date walking around the streets of Argentina. She takes him to a play that's kind of awkward to watch because it's in the ceiling. You had to be there.
Wells keeps looking for the opportunity to kiss JoJo, but it hasn't arisen yet.
Some director guy who definitely straightens his hair comes out and tells them they will be doing some performance art. Yikes.
They share a weird peck on the cheek WHICH I HATE.
Back at the hotel, the guys discuss that they are pretty sure she is not giving Wells a rose and he'll be headed home. Wah :(
I fear they might be right.
Although in Wells' defense, this date is getting weird. Next, they swim in this ceiling pool like they are in an aquarium. They're basically flopping around like fish and Wells is like 'OH FUCK IT' and kisses her.
It's presh.
I guess.
They move on to their dinner time. I'm not going to lie to you all. I think they're really cute together. Maybe it's just because I'm obsessed with Wells. I just think he's super different from all the other guys there and I enjoy that. But then again, could see them just being good friends in a big way... she needs someone who's sexy and wants to pin her against a wall and kiss her, not like tell her really good jokes and be adorable. But I could be wrong.
He's like "I've always had the idea of what the perfect woman should be for me...and like, never found it, so here you are." LOL uh....
he didn't exactly say that, but basically.
J immediately asked him about his ex-girlfriend.
Wells starts sweating, but is very charming about it. He says he was with his ex and saw her as more a best friend than a romantic partner. JoJo says that is exactly what happened to her in her last relationship...(before Ben)
uhoh.
Meanwhile, the date card comes to the hotel. Luke, Robby, Jordan, James, and Alex get the group. Which means Chase and Derek get the two-on-one. UH OH. it's on. nice guys face off.
Back to the date. JoJo asks Wells about his opinions on love. He is a skeptic. Which, unfortunately, you cannot be on this show. Because although this a reality show, it is not realistic. They clearly differ in opinions on love. UH OH.
J decides to not give him the rose. She enjoys him as a person, but not as a boyfriend. FINE I'LL TAKE HIM! He's my future boyfriend. So glad he has this backstory now it'll make our love all the more stronger.
Awkwardly, JoJo goes to their "post date" awkward private concert/raver ALONE.
Yeeikes.
The group date begins. James feels like he's "snuck onto a set that he's not supposed to be on" :( aww, James, you're hot too! Don't worry!
I do feel kind of bad. He's on the date with the bro-iest bro's ever. Like a lot of muscle mass on this date, y'all. They end up playing a game of street futbol with some locals. The competition is tough. At the end of the match, they have a penalty kick off. If the guy makes the goal, he gets a kiss from JoJo.
Easy. right.
WRONG. They all miss....except our musician friend, James Taylor!
NICE
Underdog game strong.
Luke pulls J away first during group date cocktail hour. They are all over each other. They for SURE want to fuck. Don't blame her. He's beautiful. I do like them a lot together. I would much rather he win over Jordan, y'all. Like how could a guy look at you like that and kiss you like that and you NOT fall in love with him?
James takes his time with JoJo, and decides to talk about Jordan - thus pulling a Leah from last season. WTF? James comes off looking a little pettttttttttttttty. He calls Jordan entitled, etc. Which is fucking true. But don't waste your time with the bachelorette talking about some other guy?! I hate that.
JoJo pulls Jordan aside and confronts him on the matter. (WHO CARES) Jordan tries to laugh it off and J is NOT happy. Jordan says he doesn't know what "entitled" is.
"I'm not entitled" he says repeatedly.
Uh...
???
that's because he always has been but whatever.
It's clear that Jordan is not taking this as seriously as JoJo. Or maybe producers are just trying to make it look that way.
Jordan re-enters the room with Robby, James, and Alex and they sit in awkward, heavy silence for a few good minutes.
Jordan asks James how is conversation went. James says it was good. Jordan asks James if his name was brought up at all and James is like "Yeah...." nice
It gets slightly heated. Jordan tells James what he did was pathetic. James says he just wants JoJo to end up with a good man. (lots of J's...amiright?) I'm confused as to how a game of poker got this out of hand. Is there more to it that the producers edited out...? I like to think James is decent and wouldn't take it that far.
JoJo diplomatically gives the date rose to Luke. Duh, they basically had sex on that couch!
Let's move on to this two-on-one.
Chase is super nervous. Derek is super confident.
Which means Derek is going home. lol
That's how this always goes.
Chase is really good looking. I'm just saying. He's the only one on this show right now who is actually pulling off that haircut in the perfect way.
JoJo takes the guys to a tango class. yeeikes.
Is the instructor not wearing panties?!? like her vagina is out, you guys.
you go girl
This is so weird. JoJo is dancing with both of them at once. Will the dance end with her choosing who gets the rose? Will he bit down on the rose between his teeth?
Classic.
J takes some one-on-one time after the tango classes with each guy. Derek gets really googley-eyed and tells her that he is falling for her, and that he is so "freaking" lucky to be sitting there with her. She then proceeds to tell Chase that he needs to open up more.
"I guess...it's like...new for me...to have to express....those things," Chase says. She basically forces it out of him as he says "I'm uh...falling for you."
Oh, Chase. lol
So JoJo must make the decision to choose between Derek and Chase. She ultimately goes with Chase, thus sending Derek home.
told you so.
the more confident guy always goes home on the two-on-one.
I think Derek was just too sensitive for her. she literally likes guys who are emotionally not-there. Which is why she will probably marry Jordan at the end of this.....
sigh
After sobbing as she whisks Derek off, she goes back to Chase (awkward private concert time...) and laughs it off/they dance.
This woman begins singing "DON'T CRY FOR ME ARGENTINA" (which I always quote) which matches Derek's dark, cloudy mood as he cries in the car.
"I thought this was my time to be happy....BUT IT'S NOT" Derek cries.
"Why am I crying right now? DON'T CRY," he yells at himself.
yeeikes.
I mean everyone else has cried leaving this show. I don't know why the producers are dragging Derek so hard. They're definitely making fun of him/doing this on purpose! Which is super shitty. There is no reason this crying scene should be so long.
We move on to the rose ceremony cocktail hour.
JoJo is SLAYING in her blue gown.
Jordan pulls J aside first and re-iterates that he is serious about this and wants to be engaged by the end of this (or the next bachelor....whatever comes first...he sees that cash money fame)
Each guy takes some time to try to re-assure her that they love her the most.
It's obviously between James and Alex going home.
I mean, come on.
Rose ceremony (remember Luke and Chase are safe)
"This is HANDS down the hardest decision I've had to make" - JoJo
legggooo
1- Robby
2- Jordan
(I told you guys...between James and Alex)
Dramatic music swells.
JoJo runs off.
She needs some damn air.
She tells Papi H that she doesn't want to give out this final rose.
Wait, does this mean she's sending them BOTH home?
Papi brings two roses out
AWWWWWWWWWWWW
So she'll give roses to both of them! What a shift! Has this ever been DONE before?! Anything for our Queen J.
We have six men left, y'all. It's happening.
Until then,
Kaitie
xo
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